Let’s Talk to Whitney and Idris
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 88i: My name is Whitney. Dave, I am doing this interview with my husband. He will also respond to all of your questions.
Participant 88ii: Idris
DBM: Hello Whitney and Idris. How would you describe yourselves?
Whitney: I smile a lot and I am comfortable, pleasant and easy to live or be with. In the context of a wife, I make the life of my husband easy and comfortable. I am a mother
Idris: I am aware of my habits and general personality. I am sure of my actions, without any excuses.
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Whitney: 5
Idris: Three
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Whitney: My husband is always on his phone, and I have never been able to understand why. He feels bothered if I am to call or text to converse with him. Dave, I cannot get 10 minutes on phone with my husband. He doesn’t have 10 minutes off his schedule to chat or talk with me during the day. How is it possible that someone who is always using ‘busy working’ as his excuse, has time for other things on his phone?
Idris: Why I am less focused on my wife and marriage. I need my ‘me’ time. It’s simple: sometimes, the personal stuff is just personal.
DBM: Does his work involve him being on the phone all the time?
Whitney: No! He is an accountant
DBM: Sir, why is your wife not a priority to you?
Idris: She is important to me, she’s the mother of my children. I’m just tired of her constant need for my attention to make her feel happy. I am a bit exhausted doing that, to be frank; I’m tired of always being the one to compromise for her to feel loved. What about my own happiness?
DBM: How long have you been married?
Whitney: 8 years in August. We have two children.
DBM: Okay! Mrs. why do you think your husband married you?
Whitney: I don’t know. Maybe you can ask him. I am dying to know his answer to that question myself.
DBM: Noted, but to the best of your knowledge…
Whitney: I think he married me because he loved me, and wanted to be with me.
DBM: Sir?
Idris: I felt it was better being with her than staying single. I didn’t want to be alone. Also, having a wife was a cool and responsible decision to take.
DBM: Did you choose your wife because you love her?
Idris: I had grown fond of her
Whitney: Do you love me?
Idris: Yes
Whitney: Are you in love with me?
Idris: I can’t answer that question
Whitney: You can’t or you won’t?
Idris: I am not in love with you. That’s the truth. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t know why I married you to be honest. Maybe, because I felt you were infatuated by me and needed me to choose you. You showed me many times why you love me and I felt validated. You were too much into me, I got confused.
DBM: Are you miserable in your marriage?
Idris: I don’t think I am miserable. I have learned to cope with an unwilling situation. I am just not myself. I feel like I gave in to my wife’s desire to be loved by me
DBM: Meaning, you probably might have not chosen her if it were left to your discretion?
Idris: Yes!
Whitney: Am I not beautiful enough?
Idris: That is not what I am saying
Whitney: Am I not good in bed?
Idris: Do not take things out of context.
Whitney: Do I not bring a mind that is capable of supporting you to find practical solutions to our family’s problems and future plans?
Idris: You do. You are a smart woman. I have told you that before
Whitney: Do I not help our family in times you have no money to contribute to our wellbeing?
Idris: You do
Whitney: Do I not respect you as my husband?
Idris: You do
Whitney: I watch you take strange and mysterious phone calls when you leave the room, whispering into your phone. You delete your chat history before getting home and you want me to believe you are not hiding something from me? You are always texting someone. How would you feel if I was doing that to you?
DBM: Sir, why are you always on your phone?
Idris: My phone is the only moment I get to have with myself to reflect, and think, laugh and feel loved – without my wife around wanting my attention. Does marriage mean I cannot imbed myself in the man I used to be before meeting her?
Whitney: That is bullshit. Why are you sly then when on phone?
DBM: Wait, you don’t think your husband needs a break from you at a point in time to do what he also loves?
Whitney: Dave, my problem is, I don’t feel included in his life.
DBM: Sir, what do you do to please your wife, while pleasing yourself at the same time?
Idris: This fucking interview is a perfect example; I don’t know you from shid, but because she’s a fan and follower, she wants me to participate in this group chat with you so we talk about our personal issues. Knowing very well I don’t like involving people in my business.
DBM: You had the choice to not do this, no?
Idris: She would have taken offense.
Whitney: You will not agree to counseling. This is the best alternative
Idris: Our marriage has been one form of guilt tripping me emotionally into commitments after the other. There is practically no room in my own life to express my very authentic feelings about anything.
Whitney: Our goal was to get married, have children and live a happy life
Idris: Oh, no! Don’t get it twisted; those were your schedules, not mine. I am not happy in this your story. And I am still craving out time that could be entirely mine.
DBM: This question is to the both of you; when you assess your priorities and put focus into perspective, what about you do you think you value the most?
Idris: My peace of mind.
Whitney: My husband, our marriage and children.
DBM: What are your love languages?
Idris: My wife wants to hear how much I love her and want to be with her. I like what we have built in the past eight years, but it’s not serving me right. You miss the mark with me. I miss the mark with you. I don’t think we are compatible. Bossu, this interview unfortunately is not working for me. The longest chat I have had with my wife, I guess. Bye
Whitney: Dave
DBM: I’m still here
Whitney: I think I heard what I wanted to hear
DBM: A man who is excited about you is attuned to what you think and feel. Such men are not burdened at the thought of leaning in carefully to learn and understand all of the ways your genuine desires and concerns aren’t being met. I know you love him, but is he happy about making you happy? Is his life fulfilled and complete with you in the picture?
Whitney: I’ve got to go. Thank you!
DBM: You’re welcome! This life is a never-ending effort to always figure things out. You will figure what works best for you somehow.
Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio
Compatibility, Compromise, Marriage, Priorities, Unmet needs
Single
Hi David,
I will be 49 this year, single, never been married and I don’t see myself getting married ever. Not that the opportunity has not or doesn’t present itself but in my walk with God and observance of family and friends I have realised that I’d rather be single and happy and have peace of mind.
It’s a very lonely walk though and I fall into depression at times but thankfully as I’ve grown older and closer to God I’ve learnt ro work through those moments with God and get over them quicker every time.
Do I want children? At this time no, not a biological child or children. I am considering adoption though, an older child or children since they are not popular adoption options and are left in the welfare care system till they reach 18. Also adopting a baby at my age I feel would not serve the child well if I were to pass on before the child reaches adulthood. I am very financially sound by God’s grace and so the adopted child or children would be well taken care off.
I’ve observed from family and friends that people marry for the wrong reasons and set themselves up for failure from the get go and others marry for the right reasons but one or both persons change along their journey of marriage and the other doesn’t change in the same direction or they cannot adapt.
My parents are great parents but I cannot say they are happily married. Today they are in comfortable relationship.
Their earlier years in marriage were fraught with extramarital affairs (my father), inequalities in their stations in life (my father felt my mother was not equal to him in terms of career, finances and social skills and started comparing her to other women).
My mother stayed because of her children. She could have left and been fine. She can stand on her feet and by herself. My father would have been lost without her. Despite that he cheated he did want to leave my mother or my mother to leave him, because she centered his world. She was and is the rock of our family.
As we grew older we encouraged her to leave so we look after her. But she sort of checked out of the marriage when we were in our teens and found her peace in herself and God and has found other interests to occupy herself – hobbies and charitable activities.
So my parents marriage wasn’t one I admired.
My siblings are somewhat happy in their marriages – children, what society thinks and finances are holding their marriages together. Same with my close friends. I cannot point to one marriage around me that makes me say “ahhhh I want some of that for myself”.
I’m not naive to think that there is or are a perfect couples or marriages. No relationship on earth be it between couples, siblings, parents and children, friends is completely perfect. But I believe the perfect example of marriage is that of Jesus Christ and the church. The church isn’t perfect but Christ loves the church with all its imperfections. Christ teaches, disciplines (when necessary) the church , but does so in love, wanting the best for the church. The church strives to do and be their best because of their love for Christ. That exchange between the Christ and the church is what I believe couples should strive for in marriage.
One might say how do I know marriages around me are not what they should be? As a single wealthy female, my house is the dumping ground for nephews and nieces, children of friends when the adults need a break. And whoever drops them off, whether father or mother, always has time for a drink and or a meal, to dump some problem or story too. And the stories!!!
Am I sitting on my high stool in judgement? No. I think I would have made a terrible wife to someone. I’m too fixated on what’s right and wrong and how very far apart I believe the two are. It’s either black or white, there are no grey areas. I am extremely tough on myself. I don’t allow myself to make excuses for myself at all. And find it difficult to do so for the men who have been in my life. I don’t settle in relationships or in business. So I’m a better female friend than a girlfriend (hahaha). If I see something I don’t like I first try to see if it can’t be changed, if not, then I try to adapt and if I can’t then I walk.
I’m seen as a right bitch by some men. Interestingly when I have asked my male partners in the past what I do that they don’t like or is there something they want me to change, the answer is alway no. And I believe that it’s either the sex is good so they don’t want to rock the boat, they like that I don’t bother them for money or they just can’t be bothered to articulate it. Unfortunately I don’t have that problem so I’ll say my own.
I read Idris and Whitney’s story. I don’t believe Idris has checked out of the marriage. He’s very precise about what his problem is. The marriage is about what and how Whitney wants it to be. He’s just along for the ride. And yes you can live with someone and not be in love with them but love them, so you compromise and just do what needs to be done not to rock the boat, and eventually ii you do it with a resentful attitude.
Idris is probably having a sexual or emotional affair hence his addiction to his phone. He did say something about finding love with his phone.
Whitney is in love with what her idea of a perfect man and husband and marriage should be and her whole life is dedicated to that. She has tunnel vision. Once she is being the perfect wife and mother as she sees it should be done, Idris has to fall in line, end of story.
Idris is the main one at fault here. He didn’t love her and married her.
Whitney knew he didn’t love her as much as she did him and felt she could love enough for both of them and he would change. We as women, we know.
Deep deep down we know how men feel about us but forge ahead and hope for the best. And that’s a gamble that’s failed for her.
They are both talking about what they want and feel but they’re not listening to each other. Sad.
Advice for them. I have none. I am imperfect even in my singleness 😄