Tag: Complicated emotions

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 180: Nessa

DBM: Hi Nessa. How would you describe yourself?

Nessa: If asked to describe myself, I would say I’m an intelligent, ambitious individual with a humble and kind demeanor. I strive to be friendly and approachable, valuing my Christian faith and living a simple lifestyle.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nessa: Usually, 8 but in the past week has dropped to 3.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nessa: A year ago, I underwent a surgery related to my fertility as a woman. The procedure was incredibly risky and nearly cost me my life. If I don’t conceive a child soon and the issue recurs, I may be faced with the necessity of undergoing the same surgery again. I’m finding it difficult to accept the possibility that marriage may not be in my future and that I might need to expedite having a child.

DBM: How old are you, if I may ask?

Nessa: 38

DBM: Why do you think marriage may not be in your future plans?

Nessa: Ideally, I would have wanted to get married before having a child. I believe marriage (not the wedding) is an honor to a woman. Skipping straight to the child birth is ‘someway’ for me. I don’t know if I answered your question correctly.

DBM: I see marriage as a promise to another person that I will spend my life with them. That should have absolutely NOTHING to do with child bearing. What’s your take on marriage?

Nessa: I appreciate your view on marriage. That’s a lesson for me. I see marriage as a union between two people to fulfill a calling, in addition to the companionship it provides. I also believe it comes with special blessings and makes women more respected in ‘our’ society.

DBM: I see. Are you single?

Nessa: Hahahahaa! That adds to the complexity of my life. I am in a relationship with a man who I would have to wait for about 1-2 years or more before we can get married. I can’t go into details about that. Let me also ask you this question: what’s your perception about women who have children and are unmarried?

DBM: I think we live in an age where families/parenthood comes in diverse ways. At the end of the day, I believe it’s all about happiness and what is suitable for that particular person or their idea of family. I think people should have the freedom to live their very best lives without worrying about societal constructs. People should live their lives and not be bothered by the ‘traditional’ norm of what communities/society believe are the right family structure. You live in a diverse city in America, what you may think/perceive is wrong in reality may not. What I think or anyone else thinks at the end of the day should not matter.

Nessa: I agree with you, 100%. I always ask myself, what am I afraid of and can’t seem to get the answer.

DBM: What’s your fear, really? Disappointment of not doing what could be expected of you?

Nessa: I want my child to grow up in the kind of home I didn’t get to have. A place where mum and dad are together. I don’t want my child to be raised by a single mother. A father’s influence is very important in every child’s life, I didn’t have that so I know how it feels.

DBM: What makes you think that a father’s influence on a child is important?

Nessa: For a male child, they have a masculine someone to look up to. For a female, a daddy is their first love. I believe a good father-daughter relationship affects her love life in the future.

DBM: I see. Do you believe every woman ought to have a child?

Nessa: No. Children are a gift from God and He chooses who He gives them to. Some women also choose not to have children.

DBM: Okay! Question: how long have you been dating your guy?

Nessa: 1 year plus

DBM: Are you an independent lady?

Nessa: Very independent

DBM: Are you and your guy on the same page about what you value, how you’ve both grown as a couple and essentially why you two feel that it’s baby time?

Nessa: We are not on the same page when it comes to marrying before childbirth. He wants us to have a baby and I want to wait till all obstacles are cleared (which means, we have to wait till 1-2 years later) before we try.

DBM: The 1 or 2 years before marriage thing is still not clear to me

Nessa: He is going through a divorce.

DBM: I figured

Nessa: Honestly, I wish there was someone I could confidently choose without all these complications.

DBM: In two years, you’ll be 40 years old. Do you believe this man will actually divorce his wife? Also, you sound like a very intelligent woman, do you think this relationship is worth your time? As much as you want to raise a kid in a two-parent household, are you willing to sacrifice your values to make something happen with someone who may end up being a huge mistake?

Nessa: Thanks for the compliment. I honestly wouldn’t want to sacrifice my values. Those are tough questions to answer, you know! I just don’t want to go back to finding someone new. Those questions you asked earlier is making me think about things in a different way.

DBM: On a personal note, why can’t your significant other divorce his spouse now?

Nessa: It’s a long process. He is in it, but it can take longer than expected.

DBM: Is the guy also in the States?

Nessa: No.

DBM: I think you really need to sit and ponder your future. Knowing what you know of Ghana and marriage, do you really think this is the right relationship for you? I asked you if you were independent; do you believe in two years – if all were to work right with this man, you’ll find the happiness you are seeking?

Nessa: If you ask me to choose between a YES and No, and not stay in between, then the answer will be a No. For the happiness part, I am not so sure. He is a good man though, no doubt about that, but a woman can never get 100% of what she wants.

DBM: Deciding to have a baby is a huge step to take. Talking about it together as a team in a relationship is very important. When you’re considering getting pregnant, there are a number of things you should put into perspective… And this goes beyond just the baby stuff. To me, it’s more about figuring out how a baby will drastically change your lives, the relationship, and even your future plans as lovers. Is this a conversation you both have exhausted?

Nessa: We have not gone into the tiny details but we have discussed a few.

DBM: You are in a relationship with a lot of baggage. It’s good to know your significant other is a good guy. Remember, you are the only one who can pave your happiness. Take the time to reflect to determine if this relationship is right for you. Two years of waiting can turn into five years. Also, your timeline should not be influenced by a married man or people outside of your purpose in life.

Nessa: That’s the hard truth.

DBM: I might know a few people in a similar situation. My belief, however has always been, a child would give me and my partner an ongoing goal. Not having a child (for whatever reason) equally presents an opportunity for me and my partner to find a mutual goal or avenue to also bond the best way possible with time. Whichever dynamic would make sense to us will come with its own merits and demerits. Know and understand what would work best for you, and just honor that.

Nessa: I am seeing a different perspective to marriage and childbirth through our conversation. Truly happy I did this.

DBM: Participant 179, Ehab, left a question for you: ‘What are your thoughts on polyamory?’

Nessa: I wouldn’t suggest it to any couple. I have a few acquaintances who are involved in polyamory and they talk about it openly but it’s not my thing. I believe if you chose one person, be committed to him or her. Three or more becomes a crowd

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nessa: Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.

DBM: Thank you.

Nessa: Thank you so much. This is the second time I have come to you and you have been so helpful.

DBM: I appreciate the time and chat. Make it your best day today

Image Credit: Elsimag