Compromise – David B

Tag: Compromise

Let’s Talk To Mamle

Written by David B on June 30, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 136: Mamle

DBM: Hi Mamle. How would you describe yourself?

Mamle: Radiant, scrumptious, gorgeous, fun to be with, hardworking, troublesome, peaceful, friendly and very active

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Mamle: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mamle: My boyfriend is on my case as we speak to agree to his request of recording us while having sex. I am not comfortable with it; I have made it known to him but he keeps giving me pressure.

DBM: Have you asked his reasons for such a request?

Mamle: He says our sex life is something he thinks about a lot because he cherishes it, and so, having it videoed for him to be watching it every now and then would add to the beauty of it. It’s a recording he claims would be viewed by just the two of us.

DBM: Would you want to have such a footage of yourself on phone?

Mamle: Never

DBM: So, tell him that

Mamle: I have, but he keeps bringing it up. He’s been sending me recordings of him masturbating, etc.

DBM: What do you do with such videos?

Mamle: I watch them, and keep it on my phone.

DBM: Why?

Mamle: It turns me on sometimes

DBM: And, you give him such feedback?

Mamle: I do. It excites me in so many ways. And these random moments are build-ups to us meeting and having sex on the regular. I appreciate it when he sends me videos of himself doing things. I don’t ask for them, he sends them my way voluntarily

DBM: Have you also captured yourself on camera doing things for him?

Mamle: No. I don’t trust the internet

DBM: Imagine your sex tape with him becoming available publicly?

Mamle: That is what I cannot imagine.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Mamle: 4 years

DBM: What is the end goal?

Mamle: To make a lifetime commitment together

DBM: In marriage?

Mamle: Yes

DBM: How old are you?

Mamle: 33

DBM: Him?

Mamle: 36

DBM: What’s his profession?

Mamle: He’s an Accountant

DBM: You?

Mamle: A nurse

DBM: I see

Mamle: A part of me wants to give in because it’s something that I know would make him very happy

DBM: Why is a part of him not willing to respect your discomfort?

Mamle: I also don’t understand

DBM: I know a lot of women who couldn’t overcome the temptation of compromising themselves, all because a reward of love was put on the table. Question is, is he worth risking the unknown?

Mamle: I love him and he loves me too

DBM: Do you trust him?

Mamle: I do

DBM: How do you measure your trust in/for him?

Mamle: I don’t understand the question

DBM: Let’s assume your relationship suddenly ends on a bad note, would your mind be at peace knowing he’s got your nudes and videos on his phone – and that, you trust it wouldn’t be all over the internet?

Mamle: No

DBM: Okay!

Mamle: But how about we record it, and then delete it a few days after watching it?

DBM: How about you film it alright, but then his phone or yours gets stolen the next morning?

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: The lust I know in men knows no boundaries

Mamle: He will be cautious; I know my boyfriend

DBM: Good luck with that

Mamle: He’s not the type of guy to be making unnecessary demands of me. This is his first serious request and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t trust or denying him. Moreover, you are the same people always preaching compromise in relationships on your platforms. Isn’t it the same?

DBM: I believe in compromising, but to some extent. I will not compromise too much to the extent of losing myself. It’s never okay to overcompensate, simply because it makes the other person happy.

Mamle: I understand

DBM: Do you feel like already, you’re giving away more than you should of yourself – all in the name of love?

Mamle: I don’t know

DBM: If you’ve ever been cautioned intuitively about certain things you’re doing in the relationship, simply because it’s what your boyfriend wants or is pleased with; if deep down it feels like a red flag to you, then please don’t be sweeping it under the carpet that easily

Mamle: I’ve heard you. Dave, my second problem is, I do not know for sure if he’s going to marry me.

DBM: Have you brought the marriage conversation up with him?

Mamle: Many times

DBM: And?

Mamle: He is not ready to get married

DBM: Are you?

Mamle: I’ve been ready for a long time

DBM: Why is he not ready?

Mamle: I don’t know. He says he will marry me at the right time

DBM: How do you know you’re ready to marry your boyfriend?

Mamle: I love him, and I don’t want to remain single for so long

DBM: But you’re not single

Mamle: I’m unmarried, so still single

DBM: I see. Has he a timeline he’s working with to marry you?

Mamle: Not that I know of

DBM: So, sit him down and create a time-table that would work for the both of you.

Mamle: Would that not be putting pressure on him?

DBM: It’s all about coming to a compromise to plan your future with him. It’s not about you insisting, but discussing the next step within a favorable time-frame together

Mamle: And what if he’s still indecisive about marriage?

DBM: There was a point in my life, I could genuinely love someone, but at the same time desire and want something totally different – that did not include the one person I loved in the picture. I can be in love with you, and still not be the best choice of a spouse for you. You know that, no?

Mamle: He’s all I know

DBM: There’s more to know

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 135, Chibueze, left a question for you: ‘If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?’

Mamle: This is a hard one. Distance can impact my emotional connection with someone I love. It can make me feel neglected, even though we might be communicating on phone. And if the neglected me is to meet someone close-by I connect with, it will eventually start to feel like I have someone in my life. My intention may not be to have an affair but I may end up having an affair.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Mamle: How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Letticia Massari

Let’s Talk to Whitney and Idris

Written by David B on April 25, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 88i: My name is Whitney. Dave, I am doing this interview with my husband. He will also respond to all of your questions.

Participant 88ii: Idris

DBM: Hello Whitney and Idris. How would you describe yourselves?

Whitney: I smile a lot and I am comfortable, pleasant and easy to live or be with. In the context of a wife, I make the life of my husband easy and comfortable. I am a mother

Idris: I am aware of my habits and general personality. I am sure of my actions, without any excuses.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Whitney: 5

Idris: Three

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Whitney: My husband is always on his phone, and I have never been able to understand why. He feels bothered if I am to call or text to converse with him. Dave, I cannot get 10 minutes on phone with my husband. He doesn’t have 10 minutes off his schedule to chat or talk with me during the day. How is it possible that someone who is always using ‘busy working’ as his excuse, has time for other things on his phone?

Idris: Why I am less focused on my wife and marriage. I need my ‘me’ time. It’s simple: sometimes, the personal stuff is just personal.

DBM: Does his work involve him being on the phone all the time?

Whitney: No! He is an accountant

DBM: Sir, why is your wife not a priority to you?

Idris: She is important to me, she’s the mother of my children. I’m just tired of her constant need for my attention to make her feel happy. I am a bit exhausted doing that, to be frank; I’m tired of always being the one to compromise for her to feel loved. What about my own happiness?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Whitney: 8 years in August. We have two children.

DBM: Okay! Mrs. why do you think your husband married you?

Whitney: I don’t know. Maybe you can ask him. I am dying to know his answer to that question myself.

DBM: Noted, but to the best of your knowledge…

Whitney: I think he married me because he loved me, and wanted to be with me.

DBM: Sir?

Idris: I felt it was better being with her than staying single. I didn’t want to be alone. Also, having a wife was a cool and responsible decision to take.

DBM: Did you choose your wife because you love her?

Idris: I had grown fond of her

Whitney: Do you love me?

Idris: Yes

Whitney: Are you in love with me?

Idris: I can’t answer that question

Whitney: You can’t or you won’t?

Idris: I am not in love with you. That’s the truth. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t know why I married you to be honest. Maybe, because I felt you were infatuated by me and needed me to choose you. You showed me many times why you love me and I felt validated. You were too much into me, I got confused.

DBM: Are you miserable in your marriage?

Idris: I don’t think I am miserable. I have learned to cope with an unwilling situation. I am just not myself. I feel like I gave in to my wife’s desire to be loved by me

DBM: Meaning, you probably might have not chosen her if it were left to your discretion?

Idris: Yes!

Whitney: Am I not beautiful enough?

Idris: That is not what I am saying

Whitney: Am I not good in bed?

Idris: Do not take things out of context.

Whitney: Do I not bring a mind that is capable of supporting you to find practical solutions to our family’s problems and future plans?

Idris: You do. You are a smart woman. I have told you that before

Whitney: Do I not help our family in times you have no money to contribute to our wellbeing?

Idris: You do

Whitney: Do I not respect you as my husband?

Idris: You do

Whitney: I watch you take strange and mysterious phone calls when you leave the room, whispering into your phone. You delete your chat history before getting home and you want me to believe you are not hiding something from me? You are always texting someone. How would you feel if I was doing that to you?

DBM: Sir, why are you always on your phone?

Idris: My phone is the only moment I get to have with myself to reflect, and think, laugh and feel loved – without my wife around wanting my attention. Does marriage mean I cannot imbed myself in the man I used to be before meeting her?

Whitney: That is bullshit. Why are you sly then when on phone?

DBM: Wait, you don’t think your husband needs a break from you at a point in time to do what he also loves?

Whitney: Dave, my problem is, I don’t feel included in his life.

DBM: Sir, what do you do to please your wife, while pleasing yourself at the same time?

Idris: This fucking interview is a perfect example; I don’t know you from shid, but because she’s a fan and follower, she wants me to participate in this group chat with you so we talk about our personal issues. Knowing very well I don’t like involving people in my business.

DBM: You had the choice to not do this, no?

Idris: She would have taken offense.

Whitney: You will not agree to counseling. This is the best alternative

Idris: Our marriage has been one form of guilt tripping me emotionally into commitments after the other. There is practically no room in my own life to express my very authentic feelings about anything.

Whitney: Our goal was to get married, have children and live a happy life

Idris: Oh, no! Don’t get it twisted; those were your schedules, not mine. I am not happy in this your story. And I am still craving out time that could be entirely mine.

DBM: This question is to the both of you; when you assess your priorities and put focus into perspective, what about you do you think you value the most?

Idris: My peace of mind.

Whitney: My husband, our marriage and children.

DBM: What are your love languages?

Idris: My wife wants to hear how much I love her and want to be with her. I like what we have built in the past eight years, but it’s not serving me right. You miss the mark with me. I miss the mark with you. I don’t think we are compatible. Bossu, this interview unfortunately is not working for me. The longest chat I have had with my wife, I guess. Bye

Whitney: Dave

DBM: I’m still here

Whitney: I think I heard what I wanted to hear

DBM: A man who is excited about you is attuned to what you think and feel. Such men are not burdened at the thought of leaning in carefully to learn and understand all of the ways your genuine desires and concerns aren’t being met. I know you love him, but is he happy about making you happy? Is his life fulfilled and complete with you in the picture?

Whitney: I’ve got to go. Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! This life is a never-ending effort to always figure things out. You will figure what works best for you somehow.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Tag: Compromise

Let’s Talk To Mamle

Let’s Talk to Whitney and Idris

POPULAR

Contact Us