Tag: Dating

Gifty: I have never seen my mother enjoying a healthy relationship before. I’ve been trying to remember a single time I’ve seen mom with a man she’s dating or trying to find her way in love with, and all I’ve witnessed for the most part is something toxic. My mother is my best friend and the closest thing to me. She’s the only family I have, and an example of what I feel love is supposed to look like. She’s now in her mid-60’s and isn’t interested in dating anymore. I have fears, big fears when it comes to putting myself out there again to find love. I’ve done it twice already and both experiences have been disturbing. I don’t even know why I am contacting you.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Keep typing

Gifty: Dave?

DBM: Yeah! Hello!

Gifty: Hi

DBM: How are you doing?

Gifty: Fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How is mum?

Gifty: She’s fine

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Gifty: I’m scared

DBM: It’s perfectly fine to be scared sometimes. It’s okay to also talk to someone about your fears.

Gifty: I feel like I am currently struggling doing relationships and trusting men in general. My biggest concern is drifting from one toxic relationship to the other, just like my mum.

DBM: How old are you?

Gifty: 33

DBM: What does your ideal love life/relationship look like? What do you think it should feel like or be?

Gifty: I want to mean something to a man who has plans of building a future with me in it. I want to be loved and cherished in a relationship. I don’t want to be taken for granted or lied to. I want to be with a man who can make time for me when I have something to discuss with him. I want a man who can effectively communicate his feelings so that I can also know how to step up and connect with him on that level.

DBM: Tell me about your first relationship.

Gifty: I was 25. We dated for two years. I found out he was in multiple affairs and I didn’t want to stay to add on to the numbers.

DBM: How about your second relationship?

Gifty: I was 29. We dated for three years. He subscribes to these noxious alpha male philosophies that advises men to treat themselves like the price while treating women less than they’re worth. I am a confident and a self-sufficient woman with my own opinions and viewpoints. I was willing to support his dreams while pursuing my own but he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with me. He had to play hard and tough. He could ignore me for no reason but expect me to chase and long after him. He was also cheating. I had to break it off.

DBM: How were your mother’s past relationships like?

Gifty: Some of the men she dated became violent, and that scared me. They lied, cheated and disrespected her. My mother is a retired medical doctor who experienced a lot of highs in her career. She cared about people, so imagine my mother in a relationship with a man she loved; she would care so much for him, but these men wanted to make lies, disrespect and cheating the standard for their love to be earned. She refused to conform, and I am my mother’s daughter. I refuse to conform.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Gifty: I’m a surgeon.

DBM: You are indeed your mother’s daughter. So, are you looking for love?

Gifty: Not at the moment. I just want someone to talk to and I felt like pouring out my frustrations on you.

DBM: That’s okay!

Gifty: Dave, are there really single, good men out there? Because my experience and that of some of my girlfriends with some of these men tell me otherwise. It’s like, the good ones have either vanished or been snapped up. What we are currently left with to choose from are full of sh*t.

DBM: There are wonderful, single guys out there also looking for the real deal. Question is, would you be attracted to, or even recognize one if you’re to come into contact with one? Will his age be right for you? Will his financial record be judged or not? Will his educational profile play a part in drawing your attention? Will you zone in on, or out of over intellectualizing potential men with whatever your criteria are for men in your level or class? Because the next man you will date may also reflect your beliefs on love, relationship and yourself.

Gifty: I’m not sure I’m the picky type.

DBM: Good to know!

Gifty: Any ideas where you think good men can be found?

DBM: You’re a Christian?

Gifty: I am

DBM: We can start from there, church.

Gifty: I go to church every Sunday. They’re not there.

DBM: They are there. You just have to be intentional on making yourself noticeable.

Gifty: How?

DBM: By popping up. Wear a simple, yet colorful dress that pops. Sit somewhere visible where there is space also for a single guy to see you, and want to sit next to, or close to you.

Gifty: My church has ushers directing the seating arrangements.

DBM: Even better, volunteer to be an usher, welcoming guests with a smile on your face. Your husband could be that guest you would smile at while ushering him to find a seat. A lot of single men are seeking GOD, and God-fearing women. Thus, their reason for being in church on their own. Trust me, single men notice single women in church. All you have to do is to get their attention.

Gifty: Any other suggestions?

DBM: Attend weddings. There is a sense of familiarity in such gathering.

Gifty: How so?

DBM: Everybody knows or must at least know the bride or groom to some extent. That is the familiar ground. A total stranger may still look familiar to you because they know either the bride or the groom. Even if you don’t know them, there is that assumption that you do. That should help you have the confidence in approaching people you may find attractive.

Gifty: And what if they’re not single?

DBM: You move on. My point is, at least you tried.

Gifty: Ok. We have two basic ideas. I need a third one, something different.

DBM: Find a bar that puts time, thought and effort into their establishment. Such places attract thoughtful, hardworking men and women who value their time and peace of mind.

Gifty: I like the third idea.

DBM: Run with it then.

Gifty: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: No please!

Gifty: I will ask anyway. How did you meet your wife/spouse/partner? I realized you never say wife when you are talking about your spouse. Why do you always say partner?

DBM: When a man asks you to be his wife, I hear the tone of such request on the level of hierarchy and ownership of a sort. I’d rather a man asks if you would like for him to be your husband instead. I am all about partnership because it defines a certain level of equality in the commitment. “Would you be my wife?” as to “Would you like for me to be your husband?” Does that make sense to you?

Gifty: Certainly

DBM: I met my partner on a book review app. We have done seven years and it hasn’t been about getting through life together. We have leveraged our individual qualities to circumnavigate the twist and turns on the journey.

Gifty: Has it been easy?

DBM: It has been an experience of choosing to want to live in the moment. We are intentional on creating memories and sharing enough laughter. We make it a point to talk to, and with each other every single day. And we’re finding joy and having a blast living in all the unimportant, day to day moments.

Gifty: So, what should I look for in a husband?

DBM: Find a decent man who will call you by your name and put some respect on it. A man that you can build something even more awesome together with, as a team. A man you can share responsibilities with, while being each other’s hype buddies.

Image Credit: Boko Shots