Tag: Differences

Yesterday When I Was Young

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Imani: Mr. David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please!

Imani: I’m a big fan of how you do Facebook.

DBM: I appreciate you!

Imani: I am 36 years old. I’ve been in a relationship with my guy for 5 years. I am sure about him and our relationship so far. He is the realest guy I know; I don’t feel invisible in his eyes. He understands me. It’s rare to have had a guy like him loving me because I have never found someone who sees me like he does. He believes I am the prettiest woman in his eyes and worthy of his love. Everything I’ve prayed for in a husband is him but he doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s told me he’s never going to get married to anyone. I want to get married.

DBM: Have you asked why he’s not interested in marriage?

Imani: He told me his parents were miserable in their marriage and his mother had to endure being unhappy with his dad because she was solely at the mercy of on his financial support. He has also seen the marriages of some of his friends and their parents end in divorce. He doesn’t see the need to spend so much money on a single day’s event. I have also heard him make jokes with friends about not involving the laws of the nation in his relationships because it’s an indirect way of handing a woman with a chainsaw to ruin his life with.

DBM: What do you want for your love life in order to feel settled and secure?

Imani: I want marriage. I want more

DBM: If you want more than just co-habiting with a man, you would have to be intentional on making space for more.

Imani: But I don’t want to lose him, Dave. My past relationships have all been bitter. This is the only bittersweet relationship I have stayed the longest and felt seen and accepted. In him, I feel seen, honestly. He sees me when I’m in doubt. He sees me when I am lost in my insecurities.

DBM: If a man accepts you, he accepts all of you. A part of who you are desires marriage and he’s unwilling to acknowledge that. That is not total acceptance of you. A man ought to feel excited, I mean, really happy or at least, feel at ease with the mere thought of marrying you to prove to himself that marriage is the right decision for him. Does he feel all these when he’s around you?

Imani: I think he feels it. He’s just not sure if it’s the right step to take. My pastor was suggesting to me to invite him to church one day and surprise him with a public proposal.

DBM: As in, you proposing to him?

Imani: Yes.

DBM: Are you built for that?

Imani: I can actually do it. He’s the type that would not publicly embarrass me.

DBM: Do not be the woman to pressure an unwilling man to say ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal just to please you. If I’m understanding the kind of man, you’ve thus far presented to me, it will be very easy for him to accept your proposal in the moment to avoid any form of public awkwardness. I disagree with your pastor. The guy can easily say ‘yes’ to play along, knowing very well he’s specifically told you marriage is not his thing; and then end the relationship outright later in private. Who loses at the end of the day?

Imani: How can a man care about a woman like he does with me and not see himself taking that step with me? Everyone close to us keep asking me when we would be tying the knot.

DBM: Let the man be. Allow him to live his life the way he wants and on his own terms.

Imani: What about my own terms?

DBM: You can find it elsewhere. There are a dozen single men looking to settle down with the women of their dreams. Also, marriage isn’t really for everyone.

Imani: Marriage is for me.

DBM: Yes, but there is also more to his life than just becoming your husband.

Imani: Dave, you are married, anaa?

DBM: Yes, and marriage is a partnership. Partners ought to be on the same page. Trust me, you would want to be with a man who would love you the way you want to be loved. A man who, you wouldn’t have to say or expect your desires met and he’s already done it just to make you happy, because it makes him happy to see you happy.

Imani: I don’t think I’m ready to join the single pool again. Those waters are cold with deprivation.

DBM: Tell me a little about yourself

Imani: I am a licensed professional. I design high-end residential and commercial buildings, and other structures.

DBM: An architect?

Imani: Yes

DBM: What else makes you stand out and not blend in?

Imani: I do everything with valor. I’m a risktaker, I work hard, and I try not to crumble when things go wrong. I am determined, resilient and have a calm confidence to move one day at a time. I keep my thoughts clear at all times and wouldn’t stay silent when my voice needs to be heard. I love deeply

DBM: Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal of life. You can be unmarried and still consider yourself worthy, simply because of your accomplishments.

Imani: Good men are hard to find these days

DBM: I know! And the right and better man for you wouldn’t opt to stay on the fence when it comes to what is important to you. The man you’re currently with is not going to marry you, if marriage truly is what you want. Make the best decision for yourself.

Imani: What do you think a woman can do to make a man do her wish?

DBM: What you can do is not to settle for a man’s bullshit. You have been having sex with a man you claim loves you for five years – and still waiting on him to ask you to marry him. Who is to blame here? Even married men of today operate with the mentality that they’ve got to have a lot of freedom in their marriages. Most men want more than enough rope to hang themselves. They want the freedom and independence to come and go as they please – and do what they want when they want. Men want to go out, get laid, and not have to answer to anybody. And, these are even the married ones, so imagine your current situation and the rope your willingness to accept his conditions gives him.

Imani: Now, that’s tough. I will think about it.

DBM: Marriage to the right partner is a beautiful experience. Commitment to the right partner outside of marriage can equally be great. Being unmarried or single is not a bad thing, at least, not in my eyes. It’s not a curse or a problem that needs to be fixed at all cost. It’s not an experience to be ashamed of. It’s just where you are in life, and life happens to all of us. Do not be defined by it. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Be comfortable loving who you are. Marriage will happen when it happens at the right time. But assuming it does not, make peace with it. Everything happens for a reason. Just because you don’t have a husband or children doesn’t mean you’re incomplete.

Imani: Thank you David Bondze-Mbir. No one has ever spoken to me this way before.

Image Credit: Picha Stock

Let’s Talk To Wyatt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 109: Name is Wyatt

DBM: Hi Wyatt. How would you describe yourself?

Wyatt: Someone’s beau, humorous, handsome, sexy, dapper, brilliant, hardworking, supportive, adventurous, very confident and can be affectionate.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wyatt: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wyatt: I am in a six-year relationship with my girlfriend. Honestly bro, I am very content with what we have and okay to let our relationship stay just the way it is, boyfriend-girlfriend, without any status change. My girl on the other hand, wants an upgrade in my level of commitment to her… And she feels marriage does that for her. I am not dragging my feet about this whole marriage conversation; it’s just that I don’t think it’s all that important if we still have what we have, which we both love.

DBM: Marriage is not important to YOU, you mean to say, no?

Wyatt: Dave, we’re doing everything married people do. How is that any different?

DBM: How old are you?

Wyatt: 39

DBM: How old is your lady?

Wyatt: 33

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Wyatt: I’m a statistician

DBM: And your lady?

Wyatt: Nurse anesthetist

DBM: So, you’re in the position to be married then?

Wyatt: I can get married today, that’s not the issue. I am not ready

DBM: When do you think you will be ready?

Wyatt: When I’m ready. I don’t see the rush in this

DBM: Do you know why your lady wants marriage?

Wyatt: She’s eight weeks pregnant, and I think that’s her sudden tick-tock

DBM: Congratulations!

Wyatt: Thank you!

DBM: There should be a reason why you don’t want to be married now. If I don’t want marriage, I would know why. Why don’t you want to get married?

Wyatt: Marriage can be a lot of work

DBM: How do you know?

Wyatt: I just know

DBM: From which experience? You’ve never been married, have you?

Wyatt: Friends share their experiences with me. I have family members also talking. Most of my married male friends wish they were single

DBM: How does their unique experiences reflect on how yours could become?

Wyatt: Marriage puts unnecessary expectations on a man’s behavioral commitment. I don’t think I am ready for such a transition.

DBM: Enlighten me on the behavioral commitment bit

Wyatt: If I am to get married, then it means I would be limiting myself only to my girlfriend. This makes me miss out on so much

DBM: Miss out, how?

Wyatt: Come on, Dave, you’re a guy

DBM: I honestly do not understand your statement

Wyatt: I also don’t know how to explain it

DBM: Can I try putting myself in the shoes of your woman?

Wyatt: In which sense?

DBM: I want to try arguing from her perspective

Wyatt: Smh!

DBM: Being married would protect our baby. Our child can lead a healthier, long life if we’re to be officially committed

Wyatt: Dave, giving our child a loving and safe upbringing requires just more than a ring and a priest. Our child will not be anything less than ours; he or she is not going to be illegitimate, or a bastard. He or she is not a sin if born out of wedlock. Us being unmarried doesn’t necessarily risk our unborn child into poverty. He or she will not fail in school because we are not married. Our child will not suffer from emotional or behavioral problems because we are not married. How we raise and protect him or her would solely be our decision to make.

DBM: How about the fact that, marriage can offer me the legal protection that could or would make it more pleasing a step for me to take before giving birth to our child?

Wyatt: It’s just a piece of paper. Luckily for me, my girlfriend does not rely on me to survive. She works and earns her own money, even though we support ourselves and would do same for the child when its finally here.

DBM: Let’s assume she isn’t working

Wyatt: She works. Let’s stick to what my current reality is

DBM: In your response to my earlier question, you stated that marriage may limit you to just one woman. How about your woman wanting marriage because deep down, she feels it could increase your sexual fidelity?

Wyatt: I know she believes that

DBM: Do you?

Wyatt: Dave, you have been chatting with a ton of married women and men. Is that the reality on the ground? Because all of my married male friends are cheating on their wives. Nothing really has changed

DBM: Are you cheating on your girlfriend?

Wyatt: I am

DBM: And you don’t think a commitment in marriage would make you want to do right by her?

Wyatt: I am doing right by her. Having a few affairs isn’t an indication of whether or not I am a bad person.

DBM: But do you feel like something is missing in your relationship with your lady?

Wyatt: Nothing is missing or broken. We’re intact. I am happy

DBM: Is she happy?

Wyatt: I think so

DBM: How would she feel if she’s to find out about your affairs?

Wyatt: I don’t know

DBM: Are you satisfied with your self and actions as a man?

Wyatt: Somewhat. I am always doing what is best for me

DBM: How would you define your relationship with your girlfriend?

Wyatt: We’re exclusive. She’s my world, my everything. And I love her so much

DBM: So, you have agreed to be exclusive with her, yet here you are doing other women on the side while your leading lady is remaining true to you and your agreement of exclusivity. How fair do you think you are being? Is she not satisfying you sexually?

Wyatt: She is

DBM: Have you fallen in love with any of those other ladies?

Wyatt: No!

DBM: Is there boredom in your relationship?

Wyatt: No, we have a lot of fun. Dave, I am not a bad person.

DBM: You may not be a bad person, but you clearly aren’t an honest man

Wyatt: What do you want me to do? Marry her even though I don’t feel like it?

DBM: No! From what you have told me, marrying her wouldn’t even be a realistic promise of permanence – with regards to your romantic relationship. But Wyatt, you can at least be honest with yourself and your woman for a change.

Wyatt: I am honest the best way possible.

DBM: I see. Was the pregnancy planned?

Wyatt: No

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Ryutaro Tsukata

Let’s Talk To Coffie

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 99: Coffie

DBM: Hi Coffie. How would you describe yourself?

Coffie: I try not to cross the line of being inappropriate. I’m a gentleman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Coffie: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Coffie: I smoke cannabis every day before going to bed, because it relaxes my nerves. I cannot do without dope, also because it puts me in the mood for sex. I love sex; every woman I have been with orgasms satisfactorily because the weed increases my sex drive. Pot alters my sexual libido to do more rounds of sex when I am high. Even though my girlfriend testifies to the amplified pleasurable sensations that arises in her when I am high on marijuana, she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke weed. She wants me to quit smoking; something I don’t think I can do.

DBM: How old are you?

Coffie: 39

DBM: And, for how long have you been smoking weed?

Coffie: Since I was in SSS 2. A few of my friends were into it, and I became curious and later wanted to experiment. Initially, it was just for the fun of it but I got to realize it was a stress reliever. I could manage my emotions and moods, cope with depression and anxiety; it helped me feel good, forgetting all of my worries. I could sleep better, analyze situations from a higher perspective and it takes away boredom

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Coffie: I am a Petroleum Engineer

DBM: How long have you and your woman been an item?

Coffie: Two years

DBM: She’s known you to be smoking all this while?

Coffie: Yes. I was actually blowing off steam in my car the first time she walked up to me

DBM: Why does she wants you to stop?

Coffie: I usually keep my smoking habits discrete and can carry on through my daily activities without smelling like dope. Her family invited us to dinner, and I think the smell of the weed smoke had clinged on my skin and shirt. Her dad and brothers got the hint and they weren’t in favor of our relationship before I could even introduce myself to them.

DBM: I hate the smell of weed. I would not have liked you either

Coffie: But Dave, my favorite flower has different aromas. Do you know about that?

DBM: I don’t!

Coffie: It depends on the strain; however, I will not dispute the fact that, some can be dramatically strong

DBM: How much weed had you smoked prior to the family dinner?

Coffie: Just two rolls, nothing major

DBM: I see

Coffie: My girlfriend wants me to either stop smoking or lose her

DBM: That’s easy, no?

Coffie: Easy how?

DBM: You’re going to stop smoking because you love her

Coffie: I love her, but I don’t want to feel pressured by a woman who is using my love for her to make an uncomfortable decision that does not align with my desires and beliefs.

DBM: You think she’s trying to control you by making such a request?

Coffie: She’s already been denying me sex, because I’m still smoking. I find her recent attitude towards me to be manipulative. Boss, I don’t treat her bad, I don’t chase after other women when I am in a relationship. I am aroused when I am high and my woman is the only person I think about. Why is she threatening to leave me because I won’t stop smoking?

DBM: Why do you love her?

Coffie: She’s sincere, and I love waking up next to her every morning. I want her in my future because she has an awesome body and enormous arse; we’ve made good memories and I get amazed when she doesn’t know how beautiful she is. She’s very gentle and kind, smart and sometimes, humorous. Her car is always messy and would argue with me if I try to clean it. I love those little arguments with her. A few things about her that I admire; her smile, laughter, energy, enthusiasm. She’s my close to flawless.

DBM: Did she give her reasons as to why she doesn’t want you to be smoking weed anymore?

Coffie: No! And I don’t want to carry any resentment towards her due to this disagreement

DBM: Prior to the family dinner, was she okay with your smoking habit?

Coffie: No, but she wasn’t making an issue out of it. She understood this was me. Now, I am stuck with what to do.

DBM: Do you see yourself giving up smoking any time soon?

Coffie: Dave, if I did not give it up as a teenager to stay in parents’ house, what makes you think I would now? I don’t do alcohol. I don’t do tobacco. I don’t chase women. Why should I give up the one thing that keeps me on my toes to work hard for my money?

DBM: You will choose weed over the love of your life?

Coffie: My simple rule in life is that, if a woman can ask me to choose between something I enjoy and her, then she’s already making the choice easier for me. Because I will never put someone I care about in that position of choosing

DBM: Is smoking it the only way you can take it?

Coffie: No, but smoking it is my favorite. I vape it sometimes. When I am at work, I eat or just drink the grass.

DBM: Don’t you think part of her concerns could be, marijuana being addictive and harmful to your health?

Coffie: It does not affect me in a bad way. I am fine

DBM: You are certain it does not affect productivity at work?

Coffie: I don’t get high at work. My body is accustomed to the amount I take at work. The effects wear off in seconds. I am always sober during working hours

DBM: Hmmm!

Coffie: Dave, I know what I want in life. I know what I want to do with my life. I know the name of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know my final destination ahead of time; that is why I am making the choices I make and taking these little, necessary steps to get me there. People who may not understand me may see my choices to be bad, but my ‘bad’ choices are also bringing me to the right places and people.

DBM: Does your girlfriend follow my Facebook platform?

Coffie: I don’t know

DBM: This is what I can suggest, I will let you have the last word to tell her something. When I publish our chat on my blog, I will send you the link so you send it to her to read. Cool?

Coffie: That is also a good idea

DBM: You have the last word

Coffie: Matilda, have a little faith and trust in our process. It’s just you and me in this, remember? Just as I allow you to be yourself in the relationship, can you allow me to be myself too? I don’t feel comfortable changing who I am to fit into your family’s ideals of who the right man for you should be. You are fervently religious and I am not, yet we’ve always found a common ground to be happy. We’ve both made sacrifices because we truly love what we have and like each other very much. I don’t think we are too different to allow whatever is causing this friction between us to eat away our faith in love. I love you, and I want to be able to express this feeling without being judged. Please allow me to be my true self around you and let’s have an interesting relationship. I am available tonight to discuss your expectations and boundaries, and any other ways we feel we can be of support to one another. I don’t want our differences to cause any more issues in the relationship.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Nat

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 47: I would like to go by Nat

DBM: Hello Nat. How would you describe yourself?

Nat: I am a 37-year-old father with three great kids; I am also a husband. A very generous person, passionate and with the desire to succeed in life through fair means. I am a risk taker and I possess the willingness to do everything for the success of my family.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nat: Hey, can we make it another time please? I have not been feeling well

DBM: Alright! But what’s wrong with you?

Nat: I wanted us to do it but my mind is not fully focused at the moment

DBM: I understand

Nat: I feel I have made a mistake marrying my wife, even though I knew her and have been with her for a while. I had a baby with her before traveling to the States. I didn’t really look at the other side of her being a helper

DBM: Meaning?

Nat: Meaning she isn’t putting in an effort. You know how as a man, you really want to take risks in order to be successful; but when the other partner isn’t buying into those ideas, it becomes frustrating and kind of, drags you backwards.

DBM: I can imagine, hmmm! What kinds of risks do you want to take?

Nat: A lot Dave. I really want to start being my own boss, exploring other adventures; but nothing of that sort is happening. You know life is very short, and I would like to fulfill something in order to achieve much of what I want. I wouldn’t like to say I made a mistake marrying her, but most of the times, that is how I feel.

DBM: Hmmm!

Nat: I have tried talking to her but she has lost a lot of spark that – I can’t really figure out what is really going on

DBM: Do you think she’s also not happy with you, or the marriage?

Nat: I definitely feel so, but you and I know how our communities’ frown on divorce. She isn’t happy, yet she’s scared to let it go. Primarily, it might be based on the kids

DBM: I see

Nat: For sure she’s not happy, but she’s pretending to be, and that is killing me gradually

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Nat: Very good question. Her educational background isn’t great but when I met her, I tried so hard making sure she furthers her education. All attempts failed. She is a beautician now. No disrespect to her career, but I feel she can do more.

DBM: She’s with you in the States?

Nat: Yes. I brought her and my older daughter about three years ago

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I have tried to upgrade her by encouraging her to enroll in classes and stuff, to elevate her to a level where it would be good for the both of us, but all attempts have failed. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. She literally can’t stand or survive on her own, nor take care of herself. She cannot even take good care of the kids; therefore, I feel overburdened. I have to do almost everything in the family.

DBM: What are her interests?

Nat: I wish I can pinpoint what really interests her Dave

DBM: Do you know what she would like or want to do with her life?

Nat: Great question! I have asked her on countless occasions or during our discussions, but she seems not to know what she really wants to do with her life. I had to take risks to get to where I am at the moment. I am successful when it comes to my career. I have been accomplishing things because I want to give my wife and my children a good life. I wish she were on the same level with me. I would have been a happy man

DBM: What made you want to pursue her in marriage?

Nat: She’s was faithful to me even though I didn’t have anything when we met. I was just a student at the time. She wasn’t those types of ladies that would jump from one man to the other, cheating and engaging themselves in those dangerous attitudes. But now, I have realized I want more. I want my wife to be a goal getter, a woman who is not scared to take risks; a lady with a purpose in life. A woman who can support me in ways that can make me feel more relaxed, even when I am not around. Someone who can make decisions that are sound to help our kids and herself, you know?

DBM: No two people are the same. This is what you chose for a wife. How best do you think you can make do with who she is – assuming, she’s never going to change for you?

Nat: Hmmm! That’s a difficult question. I have been trying to psych her up. For instance, she took driving lessons in Ghana, before coming her. She has taken two driving lessons in addition to what she had back home. I knew there wasn’t any improvement, but she forced me to buy her a car. Eventually, I did buy her a brand new 2022 car. Guess what? She can’t drive the car. It is still parked in the garage, and I have been the one driving her around. To and from work. I wish to help her to be independent but I feel her mindset is kind of weak. It’s been a struggle to change or groom her to be who I really want her to be. Anytime she moves the car, she gets into an accident. I really want her to be successful and independent in life, so if I am not around, she can afford to take care of the children.

DBM: That’s understandable. Do you feel your life would be way better without her by your side?

Nat: Sometimes, that is how I feel, but I also feel each person comes with their own luck in our lives. Even though I wasn’t successful before she migrated to the United States, I often feel her luck is also part of the reasons why I am where I am at the moment in life. Some ladies can really ruin one’s life with a lot of bad luck. It could be that I would have been better or not… But I seriously don’t know if she is destined for me. If she is destined for me, then she has to change a little to make me happy as a man, because at this very moment, I am scared for us.

DBM: I heard my mother once tell a man who had come to discuss his plan to divorce his wife, that, ‘a good wife is a man’s covering. She may not be a perfect wife, however, keeping to her can be a good thing – because you obtain favor’

Nat: That is absolutely for sure

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Nat: Yes, I do. I love her for her patience, her respectful nature, her sense of humor, the care and other qualities. But I need her to lift herself to make me proud.

DBM: Are you in love with your wife? I mean, aside the fact that she’s not making you any prouder

Nat: I am not really in love with her

DBM: Are you in love with someone else?

Nat: No!

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I just want her to be the woman I dreamt of, so things can get better for us all.

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust to speak with you?

Nat: That would be wonderful

DBM: I will publish our conversation on Friday, the 27th of January. I will get him to read it, so he gets to have a fair idea of you, and then, you can WhatsApp him afterwards.

Nat: Awesome! Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Thirdman

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