Let’s Talk To Ian
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 54: Ian
DBM: Hi Ian. How would you describe yourself?
Ian: I am positive-minded, very open and I make the effort to live my life as best as I can. I am a sweet guy, fit, free-spirited and very adventurous. I am a father of three, a husband, and funny. I make my friends laugh a lot.
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Ian: I had an affair and confessed to my wife. She didn’t get angry after hearing me out. The dawn of the day I confessed, she woke me up to confess to her own affair. Mine had gone on for eight months and I have ended things between me and the other woman. My wife has been seeing her guy for two years, and it’s still ongoing. I don’t understand why she could do this to me.
DBM: How long have been married?
Ian: We are 12 years, Dave.
DBM: And, throughout the 12 years, was the eight months encounter your first affair?
Ian: No!
DBM: When did you start being with other women since you met your wife?
Ian: I have been with a few
DBM: How many is a few?
Ian: Maybe, five or six women.
DBM: Did your wife know about these other ladies?
Ian: No!
DBM: That is, to the best of your knowledge, no?
Ian: Yes! But I don’t think she knew; she would have confronted me.
DBM: Okay! Why were you cheating on your wife?
Ian: The other women provided a part of my needs that weren’t being met in my marriage.
DBM: What kinds of needs?
Ian: Dave, I was simply doing what felt good at that moment.
DBM: What felt good?
Ian: I know my week is perfect if I have had sex a few times in a row. Also, monogamy doesn’t make sense to me; it’s making my marriage a bit stale and routine. Being with other women provided me with something new to explore every day. It kept my thinking fresh, and it was exciting… And, challenging too.
DBM: Why didn’t you tell your wife right from the onset that – the marriage was becoming boring?
Ian: I did, and we tried doing things differently to spice it up.
DBM: What changed?
Ian: Not much. That’s why I started looking for connections outside of my marriage, rather than trying again to fix what could be missing or broken. It got to a point where, we sometimes didn’t have anything exciting to talk about at home.
DBM: Why did you confess to the affair?
Ian: The relationship with the other woman wasn’t working anymore, and I was feeling guilty.
DBM: Why were you feeling guilty?
Ian: I don’t know. Maybe because she threatened to tell my wife about us, when she couldn’t have her way with me.
DBM: Relieving your guilt just by telling your wife makes you selfish, you know?
Ian: Yeah, but I had no choice.
DBM: How do you feel about your wife’s affair?
Ian: I completely lost it. I am still hurt and angry, and I feel betrayed. It’s pretty hypocritical, but she has shattered my ability to trust her.
DBM: Do you know how she also feels about you?
Ian: I don’t really care.
DBM: Why don’t you care?
Ian: She’s destroyed our marriage.
DBM: How so?
Ian: Because she’s still in a relationship with the guy. She says she’s in love with him
DBM: What else did she say?
Ian: She wants to keep both the marriage and the affair
DBM: Do you know anything about the other guy?
Ian: He is married. That’s all I know
DBM: I see. What are you going to do now?
Ian: I have this friend that I enjoy being around. There is a strong sexual tension between us and I want to consider exploring it. I’ve been hesitant about her because she’s married.
DBM: Have you been honest with your wife about how her other relationship makes you feel?
Ian: It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, we are all doing what we like
DBM: Is this what you want for your marriage?
Ian: No
DBM: Being married doesn’t mean you’d be immune to falling in love with other people. Your wife wants to keep both worlds. Question is, are you staying or are you going?
Ian: I don’t know what I want right now
DBM: What do you think you want?
Ian: I know it’s time to pay more attention to myself
DBM: Or your wife?
Ian: She doesn’t need me.
DBM: Do you need her?
Ian: I don’t!
DBM: Is this the ego and anger in you responding, because you feel your wife is checking out on your marriage?
Ian: Again, I don’t care
DBM: You don’t think the decisions you both have been making is wrong, and it’s what is destroying you and the marriage?
Ian: It is what it is! I don’t care about the consequences anymore. I will do me; she will do her.
DBM: What is your love language?
Ian: I express my love in a more physical way, because I most often do not have the perfect feeling words for a woman.
DBM: By ‘woman’, you mean your wife?
Ian: Whatever! So, sex is my best route to connection and intimacy.
DBM: Are you emotionally available to your wife?
Ian: Why that question?
DBM: Because all the married women I know who cheated, or are cheating on their husbands, are/were trying to fill an emotional void. They are/were with those other men because they made them feel desired and valued.
Ian: It is what it is! I am counting down to 3 o’clock to meet up with the lady I was talking about.
DBM: I can understand what you’re suffering, but you need to know that you have caused suffering too.
Ian: You think I don’t know that?
DBM: Why are you not avoiding the temptation to cheat again?
Ian: Is she doing that?
DBM: If only you could stop second-guessing her actions, and rather examine your own
Ian: She’s the one breaking our family. I made a mistake. I ended things. She’s making a mistake and holding on to it.
DBM: We are not talking about your wife. I am chatting with you. Why is it that most of us men, instead of creating space to process exactly what has happened to us, and why it happened in the first place, we rather would move to the next available trick?
Ian: What do you want me to do?
DBM: What do you need from your marriage, and from yourself?
Ian: I don’t want my wife to let me down. I don’t want to let her down either.
DBM: What do you think is currently lacking in your marriage?
Ian: At the moment, my wife is not giving me the chance to share my heart with her, and win her over. She’s decided for me by hanging on to the married man.
DBM: You’re married to a human being. She will let you down, just as you have. Don’t tell me you’re waiting on her to change first?
Ian: I am changing my ways. She has to change hers
DBM: Stop blaming your wife for your own part of the bad decisions and behavior.
Ian: It takes two to break a marriage
DBM: So, own your role in your infidelity, and stick to that.
Ian: Smh!
DBM: Do you love your wife?
Ian: I love my wife
DBM: Tell her how you feel about everything happening and make time for trust to be rebuilt. That could be the fresh start you need.
Ian: What if it doesn’t get back to how it used to be?
DBM: You will take a step back and come to the conclusion that, after genuinely trying for so long, maybe this one thing you so much wanted to work out, isn’t meant to be.
Image Credit: Oladimeji Ajegbile
