Tag: Happiness

Happiness Seeker

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Charlotte: Mr. David, how are you doing? I have a problem. I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or it’s just my own insecurities stemming from fear. I think my husband doesn’t want to be married anymore. He hasn’t specifically told me that but I feel like he’s checking out slowly on us.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you talked to him about your observation?

Charlotte: Yes. He thinks I’m worrying over nothing

DBM: Are you?

Charlotte: No. My husband is the type to say what you want to hear to make you happy. He’s not the kind to be upfront with the truth.

DBM: What made you want to marry a man who is not upfront with the truth?

Charlotte: Love

DBM: Ask him if he is happily married to you

Charlotte: Direct like that?

DBM: Would you not want to know?

Charlotte: I want to know but what if he says no? What happens to me?

DBM: If someone tells me they do not love me anymore, I will respect my own feelings and do everything possible to change the status quo.

Charlotte: He does not have time to spend with me and the children. He compensates the children by buying them things or taking them out once in a while.

DBM: Is he a workaholic?

Charlotte: His job isn’t that demanding

DBM: Is that a guesstimate or he said so himself?

Charlotte: He told me. That is why I find it a bit baffling. He has time for friends. He has time to have fun. He has time to travel. He has time for social gatherings. He has time to be on his phone, 24/7. If I am lucky to be invited to a public function alongside him, there would be no display of affection between us, but you will see him excited talking to the wives and girlfriends of other people.

DBM: So, at such functions, you can also talk to the husbands and boyfriends of other people. You don’t need your husband’s approval or permission to do that.

Charlotte: I don’t subscribe to tit for tat.

DBM: It’s not tit for tat. You need to take control of what interests you too. Your husband is probably engaging in conversations about politics, football, money, governance, work etc. with people. Find people who speak your same language and connect with them. You don’t have to have your husband at all cost to be doing things with you. It’s an indirect form of control. It pushes men away

Charlotte: What if I want him to be discussing those topics with me instead at home? What if I want to tag along when he’s traveling with someone to go on one of his exploration trips?

DBM: You want my opinion?

Charlotte: Of course,

DBM: Do not beg anyone to spend time with you, not even a husband. If you want to travel to sight-see, plan the trip and go anyways, with or without him. You know what you want. You know what you need. What is stopping you from telling your husband what you intend doing and doing it anyways?

Charlotte: I fear pushing him more away if I’m to start acting that way

DBM: I don’t know how you want to live the rest of your life but you need to adjust your priorities accordingly and become your own happiness seeker.

Charlotte: If he’s seeking his happiness and I am seeking mine, who will take care of the children?

DBM: Alternate your weekends. If he is going out this weekend, stay at home with the kids. Next weekend, you can go out and live your best life while he remains home with the kids. That is the fairest thing to do, in my opinion.

Charlotte: Dave, sometimes we need our husbands.

DBM: You have your husband

Charlotte: Yeah, but I need him to be a part of what we do as a family.

DBM: You need him because…?

Charlotte: There is no one else I would want by side.

DBM: Have you told him that?

Charlotte: In other words, yes.

DBM: No, I mean in those exact words

Charlotte: No.

DBM: Is he patient with you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he listen to you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he understand you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he let you cry?

Charlotte: I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t care if I cry

DBM: Has he been your constant support and encouragement?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Is he leading your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he provide for the family?

Charlotte: He’s doing the best he can

DBM: Does he protect your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know how to answer that. He’s generally not home. My son was telling me the other day that his father is hardly home to spend time with them.

DBM: Does he respect you?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he pray for you?

Charlotte: No

DBM: Is he honest with you?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Does he make you laugh?

Charlotte: Why all these questions?

DBM: A ‘yes’ to my questions should have been the only reason why you need your husband. Do not let your world close in on you because of marriage and children in the mix. There are some men who, the more you chase for their attention, the more they run from you. If you feel your husband is checking out, let him; while you work on differentiating yourself as an individual in your own right, while being connected to the marriage as a whole.

Charlotte: Hmmm

DBM: Marriage and family life is challenging, don’t get me wrong. I am figuring my own out the best way I know how. But truth is, no matter what you do or whatever your approach is, marriage and family life can be challenging.

Charlotte: Dave, thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Jina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 116: Jina

DBM: Hello Jina. How would you describe yourself?

Jina: I live by a different set of core beliefs and that’s what is guiding my decisions

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jina: My mother walked into a sensitive relationship with me, in the name of marriage. I was 17 years old. Just like my mother, when I dream of getting married, I am often imagining my relationship to be a happily ever after storyline. Divorce wouldn’t be a thought on my mind because I’d only want to thrive as my husband’s wife. Prior to her second marriage, she was in an unhappy situation with my father. Even I wished she could start all over without my dad, but mom stayed because of me. I’ve heard people say that it takes two people in a marriage to make it work, but I saw my mother as the only one doing things differently to keep the home together. Mum ensured she was her pleasant self every day, while my father found every reason to fight with her. My mother lost her energy to stay married. She died five years into her second marriage with my step father, who is currently my soul mate.

DBM: Your step father is your husband, you mean?

Jina: No, boyfriend

DBM: How old are you?

Jina: I’m in my mid-twenties

DBM: Is your relationship with zaddy public?

Jina: No

DBM: At what point did your step-dad become a love interest?

Jina: I am still mystified as to why of all the men in the world, I decided to fall in love with my late mother’s husband. He was mourning my mother, months after her burial and one day he looked at me and the attraction between us turned into something rather commanding and real, we were both comfortable with crossing that bridge over troubled waters.

DBM: Meaning?

Jina: We had sex. We were completely at ease around each other, the attraction could not be mistaken

DBM: Did he and your mother have kids?

Jina: No!

DBM: Has he any children of his own?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know you as their step-sister?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know about you and their dad?

Jina: Not yet

DBM: What caused your mother’s death?

Jina: She suffered from a chronic lower respiratory disease

DBM: How would you describe your boyfriend?

Jina: He is a generous wave that carried my mother and me along with him

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Jina: Over year, four months and two weeks

DBM: You love him?

Jina: With all of my heart. He’s very down to earth and endearing. When my mother was alive, his unconditional acceptance of her was never based on anything special she had to do. He was fond of saying, mum was one of God’s beautiful gifts to him.

DBM: Awww! How do you understand love?

Jina: When I am able to let him live his life, and not do anything that would suggest I want to keep him only for myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Jina: It’s crazy, I know! But it’s because I trust him, and we have so much in common

DBM: Was the feelings between you two mutual when your mother was alive?

Jina: There was nothing romantically inclined between us

DBM: Is this a relationship that could end up in marriage?

Jina: No. We’ve talked about it, and marriage is certainly out of the question

DBM: You don’t want to be married?

Jina: I do. But in our complicated situation, it wouldn’t be ideal. Just having him close by is good enough for me; especially knowing how much he cares about me

DBM: You’re certain you’re not confusing your own emotions, especially knowing how vulnerable you both are while going through the whole grieving process of the one woman you loved?

Jina: I loved my mother, and he loved his wife dearly. That love is still present in our hearts. I think what we’ve developed between us, in a way is a compliment also to my mother. The human heart is capable of limitless love and can or will make room for possible relationships in the future

DBM: In other words, you can love two people at the same time?

Jina: I believe so; though those two relationships will never be founded on the same level of depth and definitely not feel the same, one can still be happy pursuing love while making the most out of life. Sharing true love with someone you are capable of genuinely caring about is a healthy exercise for the soul

DBM: How long are you two planning on keeping your relationship under wraps?

Jina: We haven’t discussed into detail. We feel that people will quickly assume that’s what might have even killed my mother, but we both know that’s not the case. Also, we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves with the judgmental attitudes of naysayers

DBM: So, where do you draw the line between a secret relationship and a private one?

Jina: Dave, we recently buried his wife, my mother. We don’t want the outside world to know he’s been able to move on so quickly with me. Because truth is, we’re still mourning her in our own way. And we are not ready to compromise our relationship in the process of having to always explain why we happen to be dating all of a sudden.

DBM: How do you think your mother would be feeling in her grave – if she were to see what you two are up to?

Jina: The traditional priest representing my boyfriend’s family’s clan showed up at our house, unannounced, the night we first had sex. He asked us to pacify my mother at the graveyard with an egg, schnapps, a fowl and a plea. He covered us with leaves and doted spots to perform a sacred ritual as demanded by their custom to enable us to be together intimately

DBM: I see. How did he know you two were sleeping together?

Jina: That’s a question for the gods. We don’t know how but he showed up at our doorstep

DBM: Do you work?

Jina: Yes, I am a teacher

DBM: So, you’re not with him because of money?

Jina: To me, money is a make-believe commodity. In fact, I am the one that gives ‘sika’ the very power it has in my life. Dave, as long as I can feed myself, I’m good to go.

Image Credit: Jairo David-Arboleda

Let’s Talk To Wyatt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 109: Name is Wyatt

DBM: Hi Wyatt. How would you describe yourself?

Wyatt: Someone’s beau, humorous, handsome, sexy, dapper, brilliant, hardworking, supportive, adventurous, very confident and can be affectionate.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wyatt: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wyatt: I am in a six-year relationship with my girlfriend. Honestly bro, I am very content with what we have and okay to let our relationship stay just the way it is, boyfriend-girlfriend, without any status change. My girl on the other hand, wants an upgrade in my level of commitment to her… And she feels marriage does that for her. I am not dragging my feet about this whole marriage conversation; it’s just that I don’t think it’s all that important if we still have what we have, which we both love.

DBM: Marriage is not important to YOU, you mean to say, no?

Wyatt: Dave, we’re doing everything married people do. How is that any different?

DBM: How old are you?

Wyatt: 39

DBM: How old is your lady?

Wyatt: 33

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Wyatt: I’m a statistician

DBM: And your lady?

Wyatt: Nurse anesthetist

DBM: So, you’re in the position to be married then?

Wyatt: I can get married today, that’s not the issue. I am not ready

DBM: When do you think you will be ready?

Wyatt: When I’m ready. I don’t see the rush in this

DBM: Do you know why your lady wants marriage?

Wyatt: She’s eight weeks pregnant, and I think that’s her sudden tick-tock

DBM: Congratulations!

Wyatt: Thank you!

DBM: There should be a reason why you don’t want to be married now. If I don’t want marriage, I would know why. Why don’t you want to get married?

Wyatt: Marriage can be a lot of work

DBM: How do you know?

Wyatt: I just know

DBM: From which experience? You’ve never been married, have you?

Wyatt: Friends share their experiences with me. I have family members also talking. Most of my married male friends wish they were single

DBM: How does their unique experiences reflect on how yours could become?

Wyatt: Marriage puts unnecessary expectations on a man’s behavioral commitment. I don’t think I am ready for such a transition.

DBM: Enlighten me on the behavioral commitment bit

Wyatt: If I am to get married, then it means I would be limiting myself only to my girlfriend. This makes me miss out on so much

DBM: Miss out, how?

Wyatt: Come on, Dave, you’re a guy

DBM: I honestly do not understand your statement

Wyatt: I also don’t know how to explain it

DBM: Can I try putting myself in the shoes of your woman?

Wyatt: In which sense?

DBM: I want to try arguing from her perspective

Wyatt: Smh!

DBM: Being married would protect our baby. Our child can lead a healthier, long life if we’re to be officially committed

Wyatt: Dave, giving our child a loving and safe upbringing requires just more than a ring and a priest. Our child will not be anything less than ours; he or she is not going to be illegitimate, or a bastard. He or she is not a sin if born out of wedlock. Us being unmarried doesn’t necessarily risk our unborn child into poverty. He or she will not fail in school because we are not married. Our child will not suffer from emotional or behavioral problems because we are not married. How we raise and protect him or her would solely be our decision to make.

DBM: How about the fact that, marriage can offer me the legal protection that could or would make it more pleasing a step for me to take before giving birth to our child?

Wyatt: It’s just a piece of paper. Luckily for me, my girlfriend does not rely on me to survive. She works and earns her own money, even though we support ourselves and would do same for the child when its finally here.

DBM: Let’s assume she isn’t working

Wyatt: She works. Let’s stick to what my current reality is

DBM: In your response to my earlier question, you stated that marriage may limit you to just one woman. How about your woman wanting marriage because deep down, she feels it could increase your sexual fidelity?

Wyatt: I know she believes that

DBM: Do you?

Wyatt: Dave, you have been chatting with a ton of married women and men. Is that the reality on the ground? Because all of my married male friends are cheating on their wives. Nothing really has changed

DBM: Are you cheating on your girlfriend?

Wyatt: I am

DBM: And you don’t think a commitment in marriage would make you want to do right by her?

Wyatt: I am doing right by her. Having a few affairs isn’t an indication of whether or not I am a bad person.

DBM: But do you feel like something is missing in your relationship with your lady?

Wyatt: Nothing is missing or broken. We’re intact. I am happy

DBM: Is she happy?

Wyatt: I think so

DBM: How would she feel if she’s to find out about your affairs?

Wyatt: I don’t know

DBM: Are you satisfied with your self and actions as a man?

Wyatt: Somewhat. I am always doing what is best for me

DBM: How would you define your relationship with your girlfriend?

Wyatt: We’re exclusive. She’s my world, my everything. And I love her so much

DBM: So, you have agreed to be exclusive with her, yet here you are doing other women on the side while your leading lady is remaining true to you and your agreement of exclusivity. How fair do you think you are being? Is she not satisfying you sexually?

Wyatt: She is

DBM: Have you fallen in love with any of those other ladies?

Wyatt: No!

DBM: Is there boredom in your relationship?

Wyatt: No, we have a lot of fun. Dave, I am not a bad person.

DBM: You may not be a bad person, but you clearly aren’t an honest man

Wyatt: What do you want me to do? Marry her even though I don’t feel like it?

DBM: No! From what you have told me, marrying her wouldn’t even be a realistic promise of permanence – with regards to your romantic relationship. But Wyatt, you can at least be honest with yourself and your woman for a change.

Wyatt: I am honest the best way possible.

DBM: I see. Was the pregnancy planned?

Wyatt: No

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Ryutaro Tsukata

Let’s Talk To Aurora

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 102: Ms. Aurora is my name

DBM: Hello Aurora. How would you describe yourself?

Aurora: The measurement of pleasure my body needs to reach orgasm. That is to say, I have better acceleration, which equates my overall performance in bed

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aurora: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aurora: I want to talk about my job as a sex-worker. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be who I am today, and I am so glad that I did not bury myself in self-doubt with a laundry list of explanations as to why I couldn’t rent my body to men willing to pay and use me for their pleasure. Let me also state that, nothing went wrong in my life for me to be doing this job. There is no shame in this; just like any other profession, I showed up and made myself available to my first client. Even though I didn’t have any experience the first time, I knew the experience would come with time. I became available to different clients to stretch myself in ways that weren’t always comfortable, and my sex life earnt the benefits. Dave, one of the most beautiful and intimate things every woman ought to do with someone else is to fuck them.

DBM: How old are you?

Aurora: 35

DBM: How long have you been in the business?

Aurora: 13 years and counting

DBM: You started when you were 22 years?

Aurora: Yes

DBM: What is the one thing you believe works – when it comes to sex?

Aurora: Sex makes sense when the individuals engaging in it know how to stem pleasure out of their own selves. Understanding what pleases you sexually and tapping into it during sex to please yourself will make you enjoy the act even better. A lot of the time, we want to please the ones we’re fucking so bad that, our focus shifts rather to performance. Sex is not about performance; sex should be for your own pleasure. Own your body, know what makes you tick and groan. I always tell my clients, it’s not my duty or responsibility to make you cum. I am responsible for my own orgasm, no man is. I know what makes me orgasm, that is why I do not share my glory with anyone. I don’t believe any man performs poorly in bed. If a woman knows how to keep her body excited, she will have no time to mark her partner’s performance. If a man knows how to take a swing at himself for a cum during sex, he will never criticize his partner for being boring in bed.

DBM: Do you know your body count?

Aurora: I’ve been with a lot of men. Let’s say a 100+

DBM: Is the sex protected?

Aurora: Always. I believe in safe sex and pleasure. Luckily for me, condoms provide me both. It’s all about the approach. I make my clients find putting on condoms sexy. And they always end up feeling good after using it.

DBM: What are your customer demographics?

Aurora: I don’t pay attention to that, but 97% of the men could be married

DBM: What does that inform you?

Aurora: I can only draw from the interactions some clients have had with me. They said their spouses find solace in motherhood rather than being wives. Some claim their wives have even forgotten that they exist

DBM: Can you use yourself to explain what you stated earlier concerning pleasuring yourself during intercourse with a client?

Aurora: I understand my body because I know me and what can make me orgasm without even touching my count. My nipples and inner thighs bring me so much pleasure. They are my crazy, sensitive hot spots that can set off explosives through my whole body. When I am with a client, I stimulate my breasts in ways that automatically provokes a sexual response from the men. When I place ice cubes in slow motion on my inner thighs, the mood it sets me in takes any man from just observing and loving it to, ‘I’ve got to have you right now’

DBM: Do you think people pay attention to their bodies?

Aurora: No, they don’t. They rather expect others to know how to pleasure them so they can reach orgasm. I don’t roll that way. That’s why I use my first encounter with every new client as a teaching session. I help them to discover and activate their sweet selves so they can trigger their own orgasmic responses for themselves. Our bodies are roofed with extremely delicate areas that we often aren’t making any efforts on our own to explore to the fullest

DBM: How do you perceive the ordinary Ghanaian man in bed?

Aurora: Useless.

DBM: That bad?

Aurora: Most Ghanaian and African men only dream of lasting long in bed to prove they’re good at sex. But they’re not good, that’s the truth. I’ve been with almost 250 men in total. They all sucked initially. They penetrate and thrust from different positions, delay ejaculation for it to take them from five minutes, to half an hour (depending on their stamina) before getting off or climaxing. What could have been fun for both parties rather turn out to be exhausting, and not to mention, frustrating. Many of my married female friends all say the same thing, ‘sex with their husbands feels like a waste of their time and energy’. Many ladies’ fake orgasms because of communication hitches in their relationships. So, when you hear her groan, moan or scream the ‘Ah, yes, yeah, Mmmm, Ou, harder, feels so good, etc.’ during vaginal sex, majority of them only are triggering your cum-fest to draw near, so you can pull the hell out of her.

DBM: Are you dating?

Aurora: No. I have not met the type of man who is open and would consent to the kind of relationship I want

DBM: What’s your kind?

Aurora: I want to have more than one sexual partner; I want to love more than one person at a time, yet being emotionally accountable to each of the partners involved.

DBM: You have kids?

Aurora: I don’t want children now

DBM: Thank you for making time to chat.

Image Credit: Nathan B. Caldeira

Let’s Talk To Nicholas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 90: Nicholas

DBM: Hello Nicholas. How would you describe yourself?

Nicholas: I understand what commitment means, that’s why it’s easy for me to compromise. I am kind, patient, humorous and good with kids

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nicholas: 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nicholas: I think every man must find himself a job that makes him happy, in order to be pleased with his own life. I am a house-husband, and I am loving how I am able to make my wife, children and the home a priority. We decided I stay home to look after the children while my wife goes out to work. And truth be told, I am crushing it like a pro. I think I was born to take care of my family like this. I like it that I am the one to make sure the house is always clean and smelling good; the children get prepared for school while my wife gets to rest and have enough sleep. The only thing I can’t do is to cook, so she prepares a variety of meals during the weekends to last the household for the week.

DBM: Were you working prior to meeting your wife?

Nicholas: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nicholas: Six years

DBM: And, when did you make the decision to stay home?

Nicholas: It was actually my wife’s idea. Before we married, we talked about the importance of being present for our marriage, and also, in the lives of our children – if we were to have any. We love kids and we knew they would become a huge part of our lives. We wanted one parent to be 100% responsible for their upbringing till they are 18 years age. We weighed our options and concluded I would be the better parent and the best person to sacrifice my time to raise them right. Also, my wife earns three times my salary, and did not see the need for the both of us to be chasing after money.

DBM: So, you’ve been home since you married?

Nicholas: Yes, as the king of the house. It’s actually fun and humbling. It’s a fulfilling job to say the least. Due to this arrangement, I have found a best friend in my wife. She’s the one person I am comfortable with – talking to. Because I realize I can’t do it on my own. I appreciate the little things right now; we get to eat together as a family and talk. I am attracted to my wife daily, and can’t wait to see her return home from work. This experience seriously is turning my life around, and I am becoming the best husband and father I can be.

DBM: This is something you are passionate about?

Nicholas: Family is very important to me, and would not trade it for nothing.

DBM: What do your circle of friends say/think of you when you tell them about what you do?

Nicholas: Some think it’s disgraceful. I used to justify myself but I don’t care what they say anymore. Also, my church no longer invites me to speak to the youth. When I used to work, I was one of their favorite keynote speakers on Finance. Now that I work as a house-husband, majority of them tend to look down on me. They believe I am unemployed. Some call me lazy.

DBM: Do you see this as a real job?

Nicholas: It is a real job for me, Dave. Imagine coming home to a spotless house? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me chasing my dream career. I’m also doing exactly what I love; It’s work. My wife and I are not bothered by her being the one going out to earn money for the house. We are not bothered by me taking care of the home and family. In fact, I’m very good at this. And most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy for our family to have two parents/adults getting stressed from work. One should be enough, while a calm, handsome, loving, sexy-hot other quenches their thirst after a long day. It’s the sweetest feeling ever.

DBM: Does this situation also not make it a whole lot easier for your wife to control you financially?

Nicholas: Control me how?

DBM: Do you have your own money?

Nicholas: First and foremost, I married a reasonable woman who also happens to be right for me. She respects me and my place in her life. Secondly, we share a joint account. The money in the account has more than one owner. It belongs to the both of us. Also, I work remotely from home. I make my own money to contribute to the pool.

DBM: Would you be prepared for the unknown? I.e., Death of your wife, divorce, wife involved in an accident or is permanently disabled, etc. and the responsibilities are shifted

Nicholas: I am ever ready to shoulder all responsibilities. Being a house-husband prepares you for anything.

DBM: What do you do for fun?

Nicholas: I work out in my free time at the gym.

DBM: Does this make you more critical about your wife’s appearance?

Nicholas: My wife is perfect, just the way she wants to be

DBM: The free time on your hands at home doesn’t make you want to look for some side action? I mean, most guys get in shape purposely for that.

Nicholas: I work out to stay in shape. Nothing else

DBM: You have the last word

Nicholas: I am uniquely equipped to keep my family safe and as one unit. I am not ready to do anything that could affect my family negatively. I am willing to do anything for my wife and for her heart’s sake. My wife’s desire comes first

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Alexa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This phone interview was engineered by the mother of Alexa. She wanted me to have a conversation with her daughter to know her mind. Alexa’s mother’s first husband was Pop. The union produced Joey and Toni. Her second marriage was to Alexa’s father, Nigel. Now, she’s divorced and engaged to her third guy, Charles. This phone interview between David Bondze-Mbir and Alexa was recorded, and has been transcribed verbatim for publication.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 81: I would say Alexa

DBM: Hi Alexa. How would you describe yourself?

Alexa: Kind, smart and a polite child

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alexa: Errrm, probably 7 😀 Please don’t ask me why; I have no idea.

DBM: So, how would you describe your mum?

Alexa: Kind, respectful; I’m trying to figure out a word for someone who ‘stands out’ but I have no words – vibrant.

DBM: Oh my! Hehehe. How about your dad, how would you describe him?

Alexa: Errrm, strong; what’s like a word for like always working hard? Hardworking, busy… he’s very busy. Sometimes I feel bad to think he has anger issues. He’s like a shadow; he doesn’t like standing out like my mum

DBM: Tell me a little about your sisters

Alexa: Well… well. Hehehe. I was waiting for that. It’s going to take me a long time. Errrm, Joey, she’s sometimes bossy. And, she likes to run a lot, so I’d say sometimes energetic but she really does not like to take photos, neither does Toni. Errm, Toni, she’s strong. Joey is also strong, but she’s strong and … I’m thinking of words: polite to other people. And, she’s mean to me. Errm, yeah! But she’s sometimes kind to me.

DBM: Do you believe your parents love you?

Alexa: Well, yes. And, I really like remember, I think it was last night, I’m not sure. Last night or the night before, I said that my mommy likes Charles more than me. And now I know that mommy can’t love anyone else more than us. She can love someone else but not more than us. I know that my daddy loves me. Just that sometimes I think he doesn’t when he’s shouting at me. Pops I think loves me too. No one is leaving me

DBM: Have any of your friends’ parent gotten a divorce?

Alexa: Hehehe. Yes! Errm, Corey. Err Corey, she’s… Yeah, so her parents have gotten a divorce. They’re actually divorced and her mum is going out with another person. And she doesn’t call him dad. She calls her first dad, dad. I feel sad that my parents are getting a divorce because I don’t want them to split up. I fear that someday, my daddy will just leave us and I won’t see him. But my parents have promised me that we are all going to be staying together as one family.

DBM: Have you had nightmares about what’s going on between your parents?

Alexa: Nah, I haven’t had nightmares. Because I’m not that scared of it. But I feel I will in the future because I have heard other children do have nightmares after their parents’ divorce.

DBM: Will you let both parents know any time you get hurt at the thought of them not being together?

Alexa: Yes, because I know that mummy can fix it; mummy or daddy will help me when I am upset.

DBM: When you grow up, how would you want to see your own family? As in, your idea of the kind of family you would want to have when you grow up?

Alexa: I want to be rich. And I want to be famous, but I consider my family in future to be a very happy family; all of us living together happily, nothing sad. Sometimes arguing, because I know we will sometimes argue but we will have a good resolve, I know. Hehehe. Because me and my family have a lot of differences. But we are still family, no matter what.

DBM: Okay, that’s cool. How do you think your siblings are taking this whole decision your parents have made? Do you think they understand why mommy is no longer with your dad, and why she feels she’s happier now with someone else? Do you kids understand what is really going on? Has mom and dad sat you all down to explain what is going on, and why they feel they have to make such a decision?

Alexa: Errrm, that’s a lot of things you just asked. I understand it. I am not sure if my other sisters understand. I am pretty sure Joey understands it, but I will tell you one thing; I already knew about it before mommy told me. I was literally on her iPad doing my thing, and then I just wanted to look at some pictures of mommy. So, I went over to the photos, and I saw a letter, a Valentine card. And it said… errrm, I forgot. But then a few days later, I saw a picture of mommy and Charles, talking to each other. So, I was like, ‘hmmmm! I smell something fishy’. Hehehe. So then, I went to tell Toni. I told her, ‘I think mommy is going to marry a different man.’ When we figured out that she was going to divorce my father, errrm, Toni was like, ‘what the hell!’ I was correct. As in, I’ve never been correct in my whole entire life. It really was going to happen after all, and that was just a miracle to her. My sister was very surprised that I guessed right. And, I think my daddy was also thinking of someone else after their divorce; because when I am watching him, especially when he was with my mother, he was texting someone else. It was a girl. And they were exchanging love-heart emojis between themselves.

DBM: Wow! That’s very interesting. Okay, so if you could tell your mom and dad one thing, what would it be?

Alexa: Errrm, I’d say to daddy, I feel you are very jealous of Charles. And I’ve also noticed that he’s sad about it like I am, but it’s the best for mommy. Because if my mommy stays with my dad, she would be sad and probably, not happy. That will also not make daddy happy. And to my mommy, I’d say, ‘why did you make this decision?’Arrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhh! ‘Why did you make this decision?’ I am not saying mommy should leave Charles and go back to my daddy, but she can. Anyways, I am pretty sure that as long as we all stay happy, I am okay. Because I am happy. Yeah! I am okay that she’s in love with someone else, but I would prefer mommy and daddy not getting a divorce. If I had a magic wand, I would figure out a way to make everyone else happy. But I would try to figure out how to make the three of us, me, mommy and daddy very happy. I am not as happy as I was before their divorce. I know my daddy is not as happy as he was before the divorce. But my mommy is definitely happy. She likes Charles very much. She talks to him every single day. She likes talking to him. Is that obsession?

DBM: Lol! Please clarify this for me; do you understand the fact that because your mom and dad want to be happy, they cannot be together?

Alexa: Errrm, yes, I do understand. Mommy made the decision. I don’t know why daddy agreed to it. Errrm, I feel very disappointed in them. Especially in my dad for agreeing to a divorce. Bla… bla… bla. I know mom would not have been happy, but I can make her happy. Well, I cannot be her husband. But I don’t think she even needs a husband to be happy. It’s literally like saying, a woman needs money to be happy.

DBM: Thank you Alexa. How old are you?

Alexa: I am eight. I hope we would do this again, because it was really fun. I think mommy is now going to ask me a million questions. But thank you. I also want to say, I wish my middle sister, Toni loves me more, or show that she loves me more. Mummy keeps insisting Toni loves me very much but she does not always behave like she loves me.

Image Credit: Monstera

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 71: Sister Naomi

DBM: Hi Sister Naomi. How would you describe yourself?

Naomi: I enjoy myself a lot, I value who I am to the highest degree; I cannot be rushed. I have heard people say, I am graceful in my appearance and also in the way I behave towards them. I am a born-again Christian, 31 years of age, single and ready to mingle

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Naomi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Naomi: First of all Dave, let me thank you for this opportunity. I have been following the ‘Let’s Talk To…’ conversations and I am learning a lot from everyone’s experience. It’s been an eye-opener for me. And I love the contents on your blog; it’s different and engaging.

DBM: Appreciated.

Naomi: As I said earlier, I am single and ready to enter into the dating scene for the first time in my life. I love the way you engage the ladies on your platform, and was thinking, maybe you could give me some pointers from your experience with people to guide me.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I hope you know that?

Naomi: I know that

DBM: Good! Is there someone you’re interested in at the moment?

Naomi: I have had a few guys flat-out expressing their interests in me in the past. I wasn’t ready for a relationship then so I let them go. The person I like now, and may want to be in a relationship with, unfortunately isn’t a guy my family or friends would approve of.

DBM: Why is that?

Naomi: He doesn’t have a degree. He is one of the security men at my place of work.

DBM: Why do you like him?

Naomi: I think he’s a nice guy

DBM: Nice as in?

Naomi: The way he talks to me, the way he smiles with me. He takes very good care of my car, and finds ways to compliment me every day. He doesn’t mind going on an errand for me.  He walks me to my car when he’s on duty – after close of work. I’ve caught him a few times stealing glances at me. He keeps me relaxed and accepted.

DBM: How old is he?

Naomi: He is 37 I think

DBM: That’s my age mate. Do you think he likes you as much?

Naomi: If I’m to guess, I’d say yes, he likes me too

DBM: Have you asked him directly if he likes you?

Naomi: No!

DBM: Why not?

Naomi: I can’t

DBM: Why?

Naomi: I don’t want to come off as desperate

DBM: But you would be asking him out of desire, not desperation

Naomi: It’s not that simple.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Naomi: I am a specialist in Programs with an international Agency for Development.

DBM: How long have you been friends with this gentleman?

Naomi: I have known him since 2017

DBM: And, he is single?

Naomi: He is

DBM: He told you that himself?

Naomi: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Naomi: Dave

DBM: Yes?

Naomi: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: Yes please

Naomi: Can you use your personal experience to advise me on what to do next?

DBM: What is next on your itinerary?

Naomi: I love him, and I am in love with him. But I fear that love will not be enough for this situation to work out

DBM: What kind of love do you think you deserve?

Naomi: He makes me feel good. Is that a good answer?

DBM: I think it’s a good answer. It tells me you’re not into him because of who or what he is as a person. The person I am in a relationship with contributes to my happiness. That is a ‘feel-good’ moment, in my opinion.

Naomi: But I don’t know if he loves me too. That’s my biggest problem

DBM: I see. I usually do not base my focus on whether or not someone loves me too. I rather look at the behavior of the person I’m interested in; whether or not their actions towards me are driven or directed by love.

Naomi: That makes perfect sense

DBM: So, going back to your earlier response of him being a ‘nice’ guy, do you think he loves you?

Naomi: He loves me.

DBM: Exactly!

Naomi: How about finances?

DBM: What about it?

Naomi: Should it be a criterion to consider, looking at his current employment and the amount he earns?

DBM: Do you mind me asking your net pay?

Naomi: GHs 12,700

DBM: Would you consider the financial season of your life to be okay, with or without a man’s support?

Naomi: I am financially independent and okay

DBM: Do you know much he earns?

Naomi: I do. It’s not much

DBM: His current job aside, do you see in him potential?

Naomi: He is hardworking and smart.

DBM: Smart how?

Naomi: He has interest in going back to school. He likes to farm too. He’s been giving me some of the vegetables he grows at home. He sells his fresh farm produce to my colleagues. We love buying tomatoes, peppers, garden eggs, okro, cassava, plantains and fruits from his farm.

DBM: So, he’s got the earning potential

Naomi: Oh, yes.

DBM: Meaning, who he is today, can change for the better tomorrow?

Naomi: Very likely. Just that he’s got a lot of responsibilities. He’s taking care of his mother, his brothers and sister, and a cousin.

DBM: He’s a responsible man; that’s a good thing, no?

Naomi: It is. I believe in him

DBM: You buy from his farm, I like that.

Naomi: Why?

DBM: If I were him, I know I would be feeling content, supported and loved by you – just because you buy from my farm. This life is too short for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in my dream. It’s a big deal for me

Naomi: I believe in him

DBM: I believe you do.

Naomi: He is family oriented, and wants to have a family of his own. I want that for myself. He is a Christian, he has integrity… Dave, he stands for almost everything I believe in.

DBM: Those are some very important core values you both seem to live by.

Naomi: I feel like I will be safe with him by my side.

DBM: Are you going to be comfortable with others knowing you two are an item?

Naomi: Very. He’s a decent man. I am not shy about his person. I am actually proud of him.

DBM: Then choose him, if that decision is going to contribute to your own happiness. Everyday in my life is a choice; I choose the love of my life on a daily basis, and I do it intentionally. Don’t let your security guy choose you before you accept that he wants you. Choose him first for yourself, because he is good for you – and to you. Tell him you think of him. Tell him you love him. Tell him the thoughts of him alone excites you. Tell him exactly what he means to you.

Naomi: I will tell him tonight.

DBM: Keep me posted.

Naomi: I will. Dave, I am very happy

DBM: Good for you!

Image Credit:  Samuel Estevan

Let’s Talk To Damian and Lololi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 66: I am Damian. My wife’s name is Lololi. We want to participate individually in one segment

DBM: Hello Damian and Lololi. How would you describe yourselves?

Damian: I am tall, dark and handsome. I work for what I have, that’s why my accomplishments taste even sweeter. My wife can attest to this: I confidently hold the floor with exceptional footwork to dance my heart out. I am 59 years, slightly stubborn, but a great dad and husband. My best attribute is randomly having to woo my wife

Lololi: Dam is right about one thing; he’s got crazy dance moves. I am 56 years young, thriving professionally and my own woman. I do not have it all, but I have a bit of everything a woman dreams of. Always been independent; I am a picky eater, I can take silly jokes, and have the basic understanding of time. I can hold a conversation about almost anything with anyone, and I take very good care of my body.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Damian: I am 8

Lololi: 7 for me

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Damian: Our 25-year wedding anniversary is this July. I want to talk about my wife and how far we have come

Lololi: I have fallen in and out of love with my husband for the past 25 years. I want to share how I have been able to keep my part of the marriage going when I was out of love

DBM: How did you meet?

Damian: My wife is my ex-girlfriend’s best friend. My cousin had come to Ghana for a short visit, and had asked my then ex, if she knew of any single friends to go on a date with him. It was my third date with her friend. She talked me into agreeing to a double date with my wife and his cousin. That was how we met and decided to make the swap

Lololi: One of my best friends was trying to facilitate a hookup between me and Dam’s favorite cousin. We went on a double date and it was my first time meeting my husband. My friend had told me about Damian, because their relationship was just two weeks old. She had told me she liked him but wasn’t sure he was her type. I remember she once told me; her date was the type I liked. There was a live band playing and Dam asked me to dance with him to my surprise. I agreed to the dance not expecting to like him. My friend was okay with the idea. His cousin, who was supposed to be my date for the evening, danced with my friend, and I actually saw them exchanging numbers. We were on opposite sides, and Dam asked if I was going to have to see his cousin again. His cousin walked to us and told Dam, he felt he had a lot in common with his date. He asked for his permission to date his woman, and he agreed, because he actually felt there was an ongoing chemistry between us.

DBM: Damian, how far had you gone sexually with your ex-date prior to the double date?

Damian: We hadn’t gotten to that stage yet. Our relationship was still fresh

DBM: Where is your cousin and the lady now?

Damian: They’re in Canada, married with children

DBM: At what point did you both know you were meant to be?

Damian: Marriage had always been a huge commitment to undertake. I love to have a lot of fun, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to spend the rest of my life with just one woman. My wife gave me the freedom to express my fears and concerns, without the feeling of judgement. Our friendship was such that, she did not place a demand to make me afraid of losing her. She realized I liked girls a lot, so she gave me the liberty to date other women before settling on one. Unfortunately for me, anytime I was out with another woman, and need to say I went out with a lot, I was always thinking about Lololi. That was when I knew I would rather hang out with her than anyone else. Because I was calling her every evening and sharing every little detail about my day with her.

Lololi: I fell in love with Dam because he is kind and compassionate, very funny and would put me first. I knew he was the man for me because he was taking up a major real space in my mind. I craved for his presence, and did not want happiness for just myself, but for him too. I could confidently trust in my decision to want to be with him, and how he made me feel.

DBM: What were some of your talking points before tying the knot?

Damian: For me, money is everything when it comes to a relationship. Before we married, we had a heart to heart talk on how to prioritize our spending habits. We discussed the sharing of expenses. The second important conversation was about sex. I have entered a relationship in the past because of sex; I have left a relationship because of lack of sex. My overall quality of life looks balanced because I have a lot of good sex.

Lololi: I brought up the topic of children. Luckily for us, we both wanted to have kids. We talked about the possibility of struggling to get pregnant, and agreed on what to do as a team if that happened to us. I am not sexually closed minded, and so we’ve enjoyed a healthy sex life. I told him about my dealbreakers and explained why I wasn’t bothered about him dating different women before deciding to marry me. In marriage, I demand for faithfulness; no secret affairs or relationships. I also requested for a collaboration in exploring different ways to be intimate with me.

DBM: What was the most special part of your wedding celebration?

Damian: When we hit the dancefloor at the reception. All that dancing and laughter was a lot of fun

Lololi: The exchange of vows was my special takeaway. He looked into my eyes with every promise he made

DBM: What has been the most challenging time over the years in your marriage?

Damian: The first nine years were tough on us because we couldn’t have children. I began to question everything and forgot about the agreement I made with my wife. Those were lonely times

Lololi: I found out my husband was having an affair. I rented an apartment close to my workplace, and left him alone in the house for a year. Three months out, I was pregnant with his child. The pregnancy saved my sanity, because I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I had our first son while separated. My son gave me focus, and made me laugh and smile again. Dam swore on the life of our little boy, never to cheat on me again. The promise of fidelity is an important part of my marriage, and true happiness occurs when you are with the right person who respects your value enough to not want to take the risk of hurting or losing you by doing something utterly stupid.

DBM: What are you proudest of as a couple?

Damian: I am proud of my ability to choose monogamy as my lifestyle. It has helped me to form an honest commitment to just my wife. I have found fulfilment in my wife, marriage and family

Lololi: I had to learn how to forgive Dam, at a point where I couldn’t. I prayed to God for a heart like His, so I could do the right thing for my family. Forgiveness has been my proudest moment.

DBM: What does marriage mean to you?

Damian: Giving our relationship the best chance to thrive and succeed.

Lololi: Marriage has inspired me to love myself the most. It’s been my guide to set stronger boundaries to protect my sanity and what serves me. I am not defined by the fact that we are a ‘we’ in this union. I own my voice, actions and opinions, and have been true to myself for the past 25 years.

DBM: You have the last word

Damian: It’s easy to take your spouse for granted if you’re with them all the time. My marriage is better now because I have come to accept that, not everyday will be perfect; not every day will even feel great, and that has to be okay with me.

Lololi: A woman should not give up control over her decisions, just to get married or date a man. Being in love is not the main event of your entire life, so do not see the world through the eyes of the man you love by buying every excuse given you hook, line and sinker. Connect with your inner voice, connect with your passion and dreams, connect with your energy and strength; connect with all of your feelings, especially with anger. Do not leave your sense of self behind so you can make others happy.

Image Credit: Korede Adenola

Let’s Talk To Milk & Honey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 59: Milk & Honey

DBM: Hello Milk ‘n’ Honey. How would you describe yourself?

M&H: I am not the type that falls into the ruse that buying or having the next nice thing will give me the gratification I may be looking for in life. I am okay if people do not choose me to hang out with. I am okay if others have fun without me. I do not attribute my worth to my social presence. I eat healthy and nutritious meals, I drink a lot of water, my mental health is of utmost concern to me; I make sure I am feeling good inside and out, I hardly would take anything too personally or to heart to hurt my feelings. My daily routine is to strive to be better than I was the day before.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

M&H: 8.5 over 10, I think.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

M&H: I’ve had my fair share of being in ridiculous relationships, whereby I was prioritizing love over respect, trust and affection. My third relationship, actually was my wake-up-call to the fact that, being in love with a man should not be the reason for me to stay in a relationship with him. I tolerated certain behaviors in my past relationships that I shouldn’t have, and finally made the difficult decision not to force my heart to people who didn’t deserve my love. I decided to be a single mother if I weren’t dating or married to a solid guy by the age of 36.

DBM: How old are you today?

M&H: 36

DBM: I see

M&H: And I am eight months pregnant.

DBM: Oh, wow! You, did it?

M&H: I did.

DBM: Congratulations!

M&H: Thank you!

DBM: You’re in a relationship, I guess?

M&H: No!

DBM: Okay?

M&H: Five days before ovulation last year, I had sex with someone. I had already made plans with myself to have a baby, and so I decided to find the ‘perfect’ candidate to sleep with during my fertile window.

DBM: ‘Perfect candidate’ meaning?

M&H: He had to be intelligent, kind, courageous and creative.

DBM: Is this a random guy or you already knew him?

M&H: I know him. He’s a friend and colleague from work.

DBM: Is he single?

M&H: No, he’s married.

DBM: I see

M&H: There was and is nothing going on between us.

DBM: So, why did he agree to this?

M&H: He doesn’t know he is responsible for my pregnancy

DBM: But he knows he had unprotected sex with you, no?

M&H: I don’t know. But he knows we had sex that one time

DBM: Really?

M&H: We were slightly tipsy, I think

DBM: Were you drunk?

M&H: Not really, but he was.

DBM: You did not plan this with him, you also mentioned nothing ever going on between you two; how did you manage to get him to sleep with you?

M&H: As I said, he is my friend. I knew his hangouts with friends that weekend. I just happened to be there that evening while they partied.

DBM: Where did the sex happen?

M&H: In my car.

DBM: What was his reaction after the sex?

M&H: We’ve not talked about it.

DBM: He sees you pregnant though, no?

M&H: Yes. He’s congratulated me and is happy for me and the baby-daddy.

DBM: Which baby-daddy?

M&H: Everyone at work thinks I have a secret boyfriend.

DBM: Smh! Including him?

M&H: Especially him. I had to sell that storyline.

DBM: He’s buying it?

M&H: Not sure, because he’s started befriending my girlfriends and asking questions about my imaginary boyfriend.

DBM: Your girlfriends know about your plan?

M&H: Nobody knows.

DBM: So, you truly got pregnant after the action in your car with him?

M&H: Yes!

DBM: That was quick

M&H: I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a mother, even though I had planned the process to the last detail.

DBM: How did you feel when you found out you were expecting?

M&H: I was in shock. I sobbed for hours because I couldn’t believe it could happen to me. I am going to love this baby with all of my heart.

DBM: Are you going to involve the father at any point in time?

M&H: No! I am raising her all by myself.

DBM: It’s a girl?

M&H: Yes! I am having a princess, and she’s going to be the greatest blessing of my life.

DBM: Why don’t you want to involve the guy?

M&H: Dave, I have a mind of my own. I am financially stable and can take care of my needs and that of the baby’s. I am up for the challenge as a single mother, and do not need to depend on him. I take responsibility for my own actions and happiness. Most importantly; I do not think I need a man to feel complete.

DBM: Okay!

M&H: Also, I know he has a girlfriend. A man cheating on his wife is an evidence to me that, he will resort to the same behavior after giving him my attention. I am not settling for a flawed connection.

DBM: Understood. Why did you want to chat with me?

M&H: My pregnancy scenario may not be the best example, but I knew what my dream was. I knew what my life needed the most at this point in time. It was a plan I could achieve, though babies are a gift. I want to encourage anyone with a plan in mind or a dream, to follow through with the steps in pursuing their passions. You can turn your reality into something you believe can make you happy. We are never going to make everyone in our lives happy, no matter what we do or say. That is why we have to realize that, we are the only ones in our lives to understand our decisions and choices; our deepest fears and wishes. Only you know what’s in your best interest.

DBM: I concur.

Image Credits: A&C Photos

Let’s Talk To Antobam

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 51: The name is Antobam

DBM: Hello Antobam. How would you describe yourself?

Antobam: A mother of four, capable of supporting myself and my family. Been divorced since May, 2022, and at my age, I don’t think I need to be relying on any man or even society for validation.

DBM: May I know your age, please?

Antobam: 46

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Antobam: My divorce

DBM: How long were you married?

Antobam: 19 years

DBM: Wow! That’s a lot of years

Antobam: The first five years were good, but from the sixth to the nineteenth year, I wanted to end the marriage – even though I didn’t believe in divorce. My ex-husband doesn’t believe in divorce

DBM: Interesting

Antobam: Yes! We’re actually very happily divorced, if there is anything like that

DBM: Explain

Antobam: Love couldn’t conquer it all in our situation, because we both had other needs that weren’t being met. My ex-husband loved me like no other; I loved him dearly, however, our priorities had different angles and twists to it; we viewed and understood love differently

DBM: How so?

Antobam: I wouldn’t know how to explain it: I wanted more. I see myself as a leader, and since my early years, I have taken charge of situations. My strength is quiet and reserved but it shines through at the end of the day. I make and take calculated risks, so once I am convinced about something, I am not scared to pursue it.

DBM: Was marriage not something you were enthused about?

Antobam: I dreamed of being in love, being loved, wedded and married. I dreamed of having children and raising them together with my husband. All these, I accomplished. I however forgot to dream about finding happiness with all these combined

DBM: You weren’t happily married?

Antobam: I was. I mean I was married to a great guy. But only for the first five years. My marriage reached its expiration date on the sixth year, and I knew I had to pack it all in but I couldn’t.

DBM: Why not?

Antobam: I was pregnant with our third child. Then I had the fourth. We wanted to raise the children in a family unit

DBM: Did your husband know you wanted out?

Antobam: I told him two weeks before finding out about our third pregnancy.

DBM: How did he feel?

Antobam: He said he felt he was also trying so hard to make our marriage work, which shouldn’t have been the case. A healthy marriage shouldn’t feel like ‘work’, though it’s work. We weren’t passionate about one another or the marriage; I wasn’t infatuated about my ex-husband; he did not excite me or my thoughts… I could not feel myself changing for the better

DBM: Well, that can be understood because it’s no longer ‘new’. You had both become familiar with each other, no? I wouldn’t expect a ‘sparkly’ feeling at this stage

Antobam: It wasn’t just about feelings. I lost myself and couldn’t see my life from a distance. I could not pinpoint exactly what our marriage was working toward. I have a very busy schedule at work, and trust me, my job doesn’t paralyze me.

DBM: Is that how you felt about your marriage?

Antobam: Yes! Dave, when you are excited about your marriage, and something about it isn’t living up to the standards you both set, you feel disappointed and frustrated. If the parties involved want the relationship so bad, you will be committed to doing something to be better than you used to be – in order to bring it up there to your smoothness level.

DBM: I concur

Antobam: I didn’t want to go through all that struggle.

DBM: How about your husband?

Antobam: It was too much work and a pain in his ass to push in so much effort. It got to a point, I found no interest in talking to anyone about my marriage. He is the type that is concerned about the opinions of others, and so he did his best putting up a front of the ‘happily’ married man.

DBM: In your opinion, a good marriage looks like what?

Antobam: It should look and feel like this task or job you’ve decided to do. Deep down you know it isn’t the easiest project to take on, yet it doesn’t feel so challenging to the extent that – you’re unable to do it right. Marriage is good when you feel your partner doesn’t overwhelm you with so much. He or she is just right for you, even after the bullshit.

DBM: Whereby ‘bullshit’ means?

Antobam: Anything they’re doing, or the relationship is presenting to you – which you can’t tolerate. When the marriage is good, you see the good in your partner, especially on the days they’re not of their best behavior. Nothing they do blows you away negatively.

DBM: I am learning something today

Antobam: I would not have divorced my husband, if I admired him for who he is. It’s unfortunate, but I couldn’t find myself admiring him from a place of happiness. You’re happy from a place of admiration if the piece of work smells and looks like something you’re proud of, because you contributed to its success.

DBM: I so get your point.

Antobam: Great!

DBM: Do you feel like you’ve failed at marriage?

Antobam: This was an experience for me, Dave, and I learned a thing or two from it. I can confidently say that, I can choose to open myself up to the likelihood of love again. But most importantly, I have the strength to guard my heart by walking away from unhappiness.

DBM: How does he feel about everything?

Antobam: He respects my decision to not stay married. He’s forgiven me, I have forgiven him and forgiven myself for letting our children down. He’s happy. He’s dating a very nice woman, and he smiles a lot lately

DBM: How do you feel about everything?

Antobam: Divorce isn’t always a bad idea. I can say mine has offered me a fresh start and opened a beautiful door, which is also leading me to a much better future

DBM: How is your relationship with him like?

Antobam: Awesome. As I said earlier, my ex-husband is a good man, and we both played a role in the end of our marriage. We know that it takes two to either break or make a marriage work. We want to maintain our friendship and be the best parents for our children, because we’re going to be in each other’s lives for the longest time, co-parenting.

DBM: And the children?

Antobam: They understand what’s going on, and we have explained why we can’t be married to them. We have also made them understand that, they are our key lens, and the most important basis and platform from which we would make every decision. It’s always going to be about what is best for them.

DBM: I think I like you

Antobam: Lol! I like you too, David. As it stands now, you’re the only person to get me to open up this easily. You’re doing a great job with your Facebook. Also, thank you for the exceptional live performance you shared on Facebook this Tuesday. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you sing that song.  It was so powerful.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Uriel Mont

 

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