11th Anniversary Surprise
Vedrana: Knock knock.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, come on in.
Vedrana: Good evening, David Bondze-Mbir. How are you?
DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?
Vedrana: I wish I could say I am fine but I am not. I am very upset and angry today.
DBM: What are you angry about?
Vedrana: I became very ill two years ago and tested positive for HIV. I found out later on that my husband was living with it and had been put on treatment, and I never knew. He did not tell me. Mine was actually a late diagnosis. Do you know what it means to be diagnosed late?
DBM: What does it mean?
Vedrana: It means the virus had already started to damage my immune system. My CD4 count had drastically dropped below 350.
DBM: What is CD4?
Vedrana: It’s a white blood cell (cluster of differentiation) in the frontline defense in a person’s immune system. That is how I am able to monitor the overall health of any patient of mine living with HIV. It helps us to also figure out how the immune system of the person is being affected by the virus.
DBM: What is your profession, if you don’t mind me asking?
Vedrana: I am a medical doctor.
DBM: What is usually the normal range for the CD4 count?
Vedrana: That of an average man or woman should be between 500 to 1200 cells/mL. Mine was below 350.
DBM: I see. How long have you been married?
Vedrana: 11 years in October.
DBM: Why did your husband hide such a diagnosis from you?
Vedrana: His excuse was that the person he contracted it from was undetected and had advised him to go on treatment so the HIV in his blood would be reduced to a lower level.
DBM: Wait! Help me understand what you’re saying better. So, he was on treatment?
Vedrana: Yes
DBM: And was having unprotected sex with you?
Vedrana: Precisely.
DBM: But that is not fair
Vedrana: That is why I gave him the option to pack out of our house, because I could have harmed him if he still was coming home to me.
DBM: So, where is he now?
Vedrana: I don’t know
DBM: Do you stay in touch with him?
Vedrana: Yes, he calls three times in a week to speak with our children.
DBM: Who was he sleeping with?
Vedrana: His ‘serious girlfriend. They had been in a relationship for four years. He was under the assumption that she was in a relationship with only him.
DBM: Was she the only girl he was messing around with – behind your back?
Vedrana: He claimed she was his only chick but she had a secret boyfriend who was also married. He was the one who infected her and his wife.
DBM: Oh lala!
Vedrana: Yes. We had to track the source. The married guy also had another woman who was a bit younger on the side. She had given it to him. She contracted it from her campus boyfriend who had been engaging in group sex with three of his friends. Apparently, the four boys were in the habit of meeting casually every month to make out with four random women in turns. None of the group sex squad knew of their status till I had to get all of them tested. They were all positive and probably had been infecting others they’re intimate with.
DBM: This is scary.
Vedrana: My husband refused to share his status with me. The boyfriend of his girlfriend did not share his status with his wife. She found out the same week I got my results.
DBM: Is it not a crime?
Vedrana: It is, Dave. I can be charged with a crime if I have unprotected sex with another man without disclosing my HIV+ status to him.
DBM: Why didn’t you report your husband to the police?
Vedrana: He had the option to either leave the house or get arrested.
DBM: Are you going be alright?
Vedrana: I will be fine. I am trying to live well.
DBM: It shouldn’t be about how well you live but how long you live well.
Vedrana: That’s true.
DBM: How old are your kids?
Vedrana: 9/11
DBM: Do they know why their father has been out of the house for so long?
Vedrana: I am hoping he will tell them in his own time.
DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?
Vedrana: I’m saddened about the fact that I spent 11 years of my life giving everything to my marriage and the man I thought loved me so much to not want to hurt me. Dave, I have sacrificed so much for my husband. He is the only man I have slept with since we started dating. Now that he has brought this into my life, he is now apologizing and making promises upon promises to do all the things he vowed to do. Now, I am left wondering whether I should believe his abrupt change.
DBM: Have you forgiven him?
Vedrana: I’m not sure I can.
DBM: Do you feel like giving him a second chance?
Vedrana: Will that change my HIV status?
DBM: No!
Vedrana: What’s the point then?
DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you have to go through because of him
Vedrana: Sorry doesn’t change a thing.
DBM: Some men, unfortunately do take for granted the very people they believe will always be there for them.
Vedrana: He took me for granted
DBM: I doubt if he truly, even understands what he has done to you and the family as a whole.
Vedrana: And now that he’s fronting the reality of losing me, he’s all of a sudden feeling the urgency to change?
DBM: That’s a man in panic mode for you. He’s going to promise you heaven and earth, knowing very well he will not keep even one.
Vedrana: His family is also on my neck begging me to allow him to come home.
DBM: They shouldn’t be begging you! They should be begging him instead to become a better man, whether or not you take him back.
Vedrana: I’ll keep you posted.
DBM: Hmmm! I usually would tell people everything is going to be alright.
Vedrana: Please don’t tell me. There is no ‘alright’ in being HIV+. I will be doing myself a disservice by sweettalking my emotions to believe that everything is going to be okay, when very likely, I might have to live with this scar for the rest of my life.
DBM: There is more than enough space in my prayer to carry you along on your journey, even though you might be feeling the weight of it is too heavy to carry alone. There certainly are more positive (+) things in your life than HIV.
Vedrana: That’s very sweet of you. You’re right, I have worked so hard to be such a damn, incredible doctor.
Image Credit: Jeff Denlea
