Let The Little Girl Dance
Oluchi: Hi
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hiya!
Oluchi: How do we do this?
DBM: Just write what’s on your mind
Oluchi: I was 18 years old when I got married to the man my parents, specifically, my mother picked as my prospective groom. I didn’t have much to say in their arrangement. It was my 18th birthday and I woke up that morning to my engagement ceremony. We’ve been married for 17 years and I have nothing in common with my husband other than our two kids. Our relationship hasn’t grown; we don’t talk, because there’s nothing to talk about. I know what love is but I don’t know how to give him my love. I couldn’t have time to hatch a plan to run away from home when I realized I was being married off to a stranger. My husband sedated and raped me under the guise of marital obligation. It was my first sexual encounter. I have woken up many times in the course of our marriage to find him having sex with me without my consent. I’ve been drugged, raped and abused for 17 years in a marriage I did not consent to. And I have had enough.
DBM: Marriage without your consent is invalid and non-binding, even if your parents are in agreement
Oluchi: I didn’t know any of that. I was only 18 and thought it was a surprise birthday party. I heard my parents saying yes to a lot of things before I was forced to accept the man as my husband. I didn’t know his family had come to knock on our door to inform my family of their son’s wish to marry me. I had never met the groom before. Only my parents knew of him. I was asked to wear a new kente dress my mother arranged to be made for me, along with gold jewelry to accent the attire. It was when an aunty came to my room and had in her hand tekua, for me to wear on my head, that I figured it wasn’t a surprise birthday party. By the time I was asked to join them downstairs, his family had presented clothes, jewelry, money and other items as my dowry. My brothers were also given money. Members of both of our families sat across from each other and I was told to say yes, three times. I was then presented to the man’s family. My husband gave my dad schnapps and the spokesperson said the marriage was sealed.
DBM: Did you find out why they gave your hand in marriage without informing you?
Oluchi: I know why
DBM: Why?
Oluchi: Because my mother caught me masturbating. She entered my room without knocking to grab her sewing kit box and found me squirting to lesbian porn. I was 16 years old. She also found similar porn magazines I had hidden in my room and ran to my father, crying to tell him. That was the first time my daddy looked at me with disgust and punched me in the face. I fell on the ground panting for air. They locked me in my room like a prisoner for two weeks. Since then, I have lived my life in fear.
DBM: I am terribly sorry. This is absolutely heartbreaking
Oluchi: Before my husband took me away, my mother told him to put the fear of God in me
DBM: Hmmm!
Oluchi: I left my husband’s house.
DBM: How long ago?
Oluchi: 3 months.
DBM: How about your children?
Oluchi: I left without them.
DBM: Do they know where you are?
Oluchi: No, but I have been visiting them in school. They know I am fine
DBM: How about your parents?
Oluchi: They’ve been dead to me since I was 18. I don’t care about them anymore.
DBM: Do you work?
Oluchi: Yes. I started a new job three months ago. I had to change jobs because my husband and parents knew where I worked previously. I was living a miserable life, Dave. I wasn’t happy. I was depressed. I was suicidal.
DBM: Are you going to be alright wherever you are now?
Oluchi: Yes.
DBM: Do you know why I’m not saying much to you?
Oluchi: No
DBM: Because you’re the only person that is sure to remain in your life and stand by you forever when everyone one else sees you as the problem. I am so glad you have cut ties with your parents and husband. Any person that holds you back from growing mentally with their actions or choice of words are not welcome. Stand your ground and never again allow any man or woman to stretch their wickedness any further. You will find a way to be happy.
Oluchi: I want to experience what it means to be happy
DBM: You will, and when you do, you will project it so loud – it will attract the right person to your heart.
Oluchi: I have a really good job that brings me stability.
DBM: Stability is attractive.
Oluchi: Hehehe
DBM: How old are your children?
Oluchi: 16 and 14. They saw and heard their father become abusive towards me in every way. The subtle physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional and verbal abuse broke me down to the extent that, they started to worry. My son was the one who begged me to leave their father. He told me he had never seen me happy since he was born. Though I visit them in school and secretly give them money to save, they have never told their father nor grandparents about my school visitations. They understand why mummy is not home with them, and they’re okay.
DBM: Is your husband the only man you’ve been with?
Oluchi: Yes. I don’t know of any other man or woman sexually.
DBM: What’s your short-term goal?
Oluchi: Get a divorce. Connect with my children and have them come around. Find a loving woman to be in a relationship with.
DBM: Okay! Your husband doesn’t deserve you. Whatever your parents’ reasons were to throw you to the wolves in the name of marriage, know that the abuse you suffered wasn’t your fault nor your responsibility. Only your husband is responsible for his behavior. Your parents are responsible for their neglect and abuse of you. Being a lesbian does not excuse their bad behavior. Nothing ever excuses any form of abuse or disrespect. No matter how ‘straight’ you pretend to become, your parent’s behavior and that of your husband’s is their choice.
Oluchi: Yes
DBM: You have life. You have your sanity. You have GOD. You have a good job. You have your children. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.
Oluchi: Dave, it got to a point in my marriage I was willing to force myself to fall in love with my children’s father, even though I have a strong attraction to women. It was so confusing to pretend because I am not sexually attracted to men. I have fantasied about women since I was 11 years old.
DBM: What goes through your mind when you see a woman you like?
Oluchi: Let me give a typical example. When I was in JSS 1, we had a class prefect who always added my name to the names of talkative on the board. Anytime she did that, I would look at her angrily, and in my teenage brain, picture myself as a handsome guy and be thinking about all the things I would do to her in the bedroom. She was my first crush, and I didn’t even like her.
DBM: Ha!
Oluchi: Anytime my husband is on top of me and sweating, I get very jealous that I may never know what it feels like to penetrate a woman. Because in my mind, I am also a man and would be fantasizing about having sex with a woman who wants me. If I had not left my marriage, I would have poisoned my husband to become the grieving widow trying to date women.
DBM: Have you come out to your children?
Oluchi: I have. It was nerve-wracking to be vulnerable before my kids.
DBM: Did they understand you?
Oluchi: My daughter understood. It was my son whose first reaction was anger. It’s taking him a bit of time to process why his mother would be attracted to women.
DBM: How long ago was this?
Oluchi: Three months ago, at their school. It’s recent.
DBM: People need their own timing to process such information. It’s not rejection.
Oluchi: I know
DBM: I am very proud of you. Well done!
Oluchi: How long do you think it’s going to take a boy child to talk to his mother about how he feels about her preference?
DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Every child is different. You basically disrupted his assumptions of you. That is not his idea of how a woman should love. His feelings may or not change with time but you did the right thing by being honest with them. They deserve to know and understand why their mother will never want to be with the opposite sex. Doing right by the people you love also means being honest with them. Just keep the door open for questions and communication. It nurtures an environment where progress is possible.
Oluchi: They know they can ask or talk to me about anything. When I visited them two weeks ago, he asked me if I ever loved his father. He also asked if I knew I was a lesbian before marrying their father. He asked if I ever cheated on their father with a woman. He wanted to know if my parents knew about my sexuality, and if I had ever had a relationship with a woman before marrying their father. I answered all his questions truthfully.
DBM: Good! It shows them that you’re indeed open and actively listening to what their concerns are, and that you have a vested interest in trying to understand their point of view. You’re teaching them an important life skill: Every human being deserves to feel seen, heard and respected. You’re not forcing them to accept you. You’re teaching them to be open-minded. Just give them space to take care of their own emotions while you also explore yours at your own pace.
Oluchi: I will keep you updated
Image Credit: ALLAN FRANCA CARMO
