Tag: Infidelity

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Let’s Talk To Forrest

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 151: Forrest

DBM: Hello Forrest. How would you describe yourself?

Forrest: I’m in need of a distraction of a sort from the pressure that comes with being a husband. I want what I want out there, but with the security of a wife still intact at home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Forrest: I’m a 6 now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Forrest: My wife traveled to go further her education. It’s a decision we both agreed on. It’s also been her desire to pursue higher education. But most importantly, I did not want to come across as a control freak, regulating my wife in what she can or cannot do. I want to be the best husband possible when it comes to encouraging the mother of my children to achieve her dreams.

DBM: That’s commendable. Marriage, under no circumstance should oppress anyone, especially, women from sustaining that momentum in their lives. I think it is the responsibility of every married man to help guide their wife’s focus, when it comes to their academic pursuit.

Forrest: I want the best for my wife

DBM: Exactly! So, give her enough room to manage the aspirations she can measure, and also, pursue the choice she decides on

Forrest: She’s back from the study and I am very proud of her. The problem I am unable to deal with is, in her absence, one of her close friends used to come by with cooked meals and other forms of help to support me. At first, it was purely friendship and we both acknowledged it for what it was. But it grew into something else

DBM: Something else like what?

Forrest: An attraction

DBM: On your side or hers?

Forrest: Both sides

DBM: At the same time?

Forrest: I think so

DBM: Who was the first to draw the other’s attention to their feelings?

Forrest: I was

DBM: And, what did she say?

Forrest: She had been feeling it too.

DBM: Your wife knew about her bringing in food, etc.?

Forrest: She knew the first time she brought in foodstuff, but I stopped telling her when I realized I liked her friend.

DBM: Liked her in which capacity?

Forrest: I didn’t know then, to what extent

DBM: What else does your wife know about your engagements with her friend?

Forrest: Not much

DBM: Is she a single woman?

Forrest: No, she’s married

DBM: You know her husband?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: What else have you done with this woman?

Forrest: Hmmm! A lot

DBM: Have you kissed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Have you had sex?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: You’ve slept with her in your matrimonial bed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: Has she any kids?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How does she manage to come to your house if she has a family of her own?

Forrest: We were making time for it

DBM: Forgive me for asking these questions but I want to gain insight into your reasons for cheating

Forrest: I understand

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Forrest: Emotionally, I didn’t feel connected with my wife due to her absence

DBM: What is your definition of emotional connection?

Forrest: Physical affection and sex

DBM: Meaning, this is something you know of yourself?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Your wife knows this too about you, no?

Forrest: Not really, though she knows I love sex

DBM: Prior to her absence, had there been any records of infidelity on your part?

Forrest: Once or twice

DBM: That she knew of?

Forrest: No

DBM: Were there underlying issues that might have contributed to all these?

Forrest: No, we have a good relationship

DBM: Was the affair with your wife’s friend purely physical or emotional?

Forrest: I’ve fallen in love with her

DBM: When did you realize this?

Forrest: Six to seven months after my wife had left the country

DBM: How long have you been married?

Forrest: Almost 10 years

DBM: Were you using protection with this woman?

Forrest: Not really

DBM: How about with the other ladies?

Forrest: Yes, but not always

DBM: Is there a reason why you are unable to talk to your wife about what is going on in your life?

Forrest: I don’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: Will there come a time you believe you can be honest to your wife about your feelings for her friend, and maybe, try to explain your reasons why?

Forrest: I’m not sure

DBM: Do you feel what you’re doing is bad?

Forrest: I don’t know

DBM: Why don’t you know?

Forrest: It’s confusing

DBM: Are you a good man?

Forrest: I think I am

DBM: Is this woman also in love with you?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Forrest: We’ve decided to keep our distance, now that my wife is back

DBM: Till when?

Forrest: Till we can get over the feelings

DBM: So, you’re going to cut contact with her, all at once?

Forrest: No

DBM: Is this love, something you feel you deserved?

Forrest: Yes. It was good for me

DBM: Because it filled a vacuum?

Forrest: Not really. I think because it was different

DBM: Meaning, you could have still felt this way about her, whether or not your wife had traveled?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: You’re certain both of you have the correct expectations about your future?

Forrest: For now, yes. Ours respective families should come first.

DBM: Participant 150, Ozigbodi, left a question for you: ‘What has been on your heart or mind lately?’

Forrest: My wife. My marriage. My family, and my feelings for the other woman, and what it represents.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Forrest: How do you process the feelings of confusion or loss?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

 

Let’s Talk To Kuturuku and Takyiwaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 113a: Kuturuku

Participant 113b: The name I want use is Takyiwaa

DBM: Hi Kuturuku and Takyiwaa. How would you describe yourselves?

Kuturuku: The type that would make a difficult decision and stand by it. Also, I don’t give up easily, even though I can be contented with the possibility of me failing at something. I love to explore interesting avenues, and I am a fun-loving guy.

Takyiwaa: I wake up and go to sleep and this man is the first and last thing on my mind

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Takyiwaa: 8

Kuturuku: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Takyiwaa: My boyfriend is all of a sudden suggesting that, what we’ve built for almost a year is friends with benefits kind-of relationship.

Kuturuku: I’m going to be honest with her since she’s the one bringing our private issues here; dating one woman can get very boring for me really fast.

Takyiwaa: We were dating then?

Kuturuku: No! I was of the impression that the attraction between us was purely physical

Takyiwaa: Say it is physical for you.

Kuturuku: You don’t love me, do you?

Takyiwaa: I am catching feelings for you

DBM: What do you think you want in a woman to get you to settle down with one?

Kuturuku: I’m married boss. I have settled down

DBM: I’m confused

Takyiwaa: I am perching

DBM: You’re the other woman?

Takyiwaa: Yes

DBM: I see

Kuturuku: Dave, the nature of my job prevents me from staying in one location for a long time. I travel a lot, and have a busy work schedule. That’s why I cannot do one relationship and commit to it at a go.

DBM: It’s that difficult to stick to one woman?

Kuturuku: I wouldn’t say it’s difficult. I’m just not a firm believer of the whole monogamy thing

DBM: Why did you get married?

Kuturuku: My wife wanted marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Kuturuku: I do

DBM: Is marriage for you?

Kuturuku: No

DBM: Is Takyiwaa your only side-chick?

Kuturuku: She knows she’s not

Takyiwaa: I didn’t know that. You’re now telling me

DBM: How many women are in your life?

Kuturuku: You mean, how many ladies I’ve had sex with?

DBM: How did he convince you to be with him? What did he tell you about his wife?

Takyiwaa: He doesn’t say much about his wife. As to how we met, he was at a filling station filling up his car. The taxi I had chartered drove to the same filling station to fuel up. He saw me in the car and hurriedly paid the driver whatever my fare was, and handed me his business card. I called to thank him for paying my fare, and one text led to the other.

Kuturuku: The opportunity was there; she looked pretty in her dress and I couldn’t resist. It just had to happen for us to be in touch somehow.

DBM: Did he tell you he was married?

Takyiwaa: I didn’t ask

DBM: And, he did not tell you either?

Takyiwaa: I figured it out

DBM: Why do you want to continue being in his life?

Takyiwaa: I don’t know how to resist the emotions growing inside of me. It’s getting the best of me

DBM: Have you come to peace with the fact that, you may never be his priority?

Takyiwaa: Not yet

DBM: What does she mean to you?

Kuturuku: She’s a dear friend I share something beautiful with

Takyiwaa: He makes me feel special

DBM: But replaceable

Kuturuku: Lol!

Takyiwaa: Dave, he’s not a bad person. His intentions are good

DBM: Can you honestly trust a man who has chosen to deceive his wife – with you?

Kuturuku: My wife can distinguish some of the things that are off with me. She may not know the details, but she knows something is up

DBM: You have children?

Kuturuku: I do

DBM: Let me present a scenario; your wife or child is in a horrible crisis. Takyiwaa also finds herself in a hot mess, and all parties are in need of your support and presence. Which of them is assured of your unconditional support?

Kuturuku: Family above all else

DBM: Let’s assume you’re in love with Takyiwaa

Kuturuku: I will choose my wife and children

DBM: Are you keeping your options open, even though you are doing things with him?

Takyiwaa: I don’t understand the question

Kuturuku: I wouldn’t want her to be dating other men

DBM: Are you two dating?

Kuturuku: We have something going on between us

DBM: Sex and?

Kuturuku: Friendship

DBM: And?

Kuturuku: Everything else this can develop into

DBM: Define what you share with Takyiwaa

Kuturuku: A pleasant situation

DBM: Has it a potential of changing into something meaningful any time soon?

Kuturuku: I mean, I can’t marry her but yes. I really like her

Takyiwaa: I really like you too

Kuturuku: I know

DBM: Time sometimes gives us time to prepare ourselves for the truth existing in a pleasant situation

Takyiwaa: Being with a married man is one of the things I swore never to do. But life once again has an interesting way of proving me wrong. I know you will not believe me, but I never planned for this to happen

DBM: I believe you

Kuturuku: He doesn’t believe you

DBM: Why did you decide to chat with me?

Kuturuku: I didn’t decide anything. She got me involved

Takyiwaa: I wanted a neutral platform for us to open up about exactly what we’re doing, and where it’s going

DBM: Have you gotten the answers you needed?

Takyiwaa: 90% of it

DBM: What does the remaining 10% consist of? Because a man who is married will tell you all the right things your ears want to hear – just to have his way with you.

Kuturuku: Look, I see a potential love story with Takyiwaa. It’s not just about the physical attraction and passion. There could be love involved somewhere in the mix.

DBM: Are you both certain about your emotions?

Takyiwaa: I am; I love him

Kuturuku: What I know is, she’s not just a statistic in my equation

DBM: Please help me to understand something, are you waiting on him to choose you as his what, since he’s already married?

Takyiwaa: I want more; some level of commitment at least

DBM: So, you will put your life on hold for him to make up his mind about you?

Image Credit: Lucretius Mooka

Let’s Talk to Judah and Andrea

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 111a: Judah

Participant 111b: Andrea please

DBM: Hi Andrea and Judah. How would you describe yourselves?

Andrea: I’m an open and honest person who doesn’t believe in misleading other people. I try to be fair in everything I do

Judah: Unhappy, suicidal but a clergy also

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Judah: 1

Andrea: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Judah: Can I go first?

DBM: Please do

Judah: This is an issue of infidelity. I have been unfaithful, a cheat and dishonest in my dealings and marriage with my wife.

DBM: Does your wife know about this?

Judah: Yes, she found out about it few weeks ago

DBM: Mrs., how did you find him out?

Andrea: I asked, and he denied. And so, I told him to hand his phone to me and he denied. I decided to get rid of our car papers before he agreed and gave the phone to me.

DBM: What made you cheat on your wife?

Judah: There are a lot of factors that could lead to cheating. Physically and spiritually. Well, let me start with the physical aspect. It all started somewhere in November when we lost our first pregnancy. But before that, there were a few people who didn’t really care about whether I’m married or not. Being someone from a very strong Christian background and ethics, I was genuinely afraid of mingling with such people. So, because of who I am in society (a Man of God) I get a lot of people who reach out to me for various reasons. Some are genuine while others are not.

Some begun to flirt with me and I became comfortable with it. But as time went on, I became scared. Until the November, when we lost our pregnancy. I really became stressed out and I couldn’t share it with anyone. In fact, it’s all my fault because I allowed it to happen. It was relaxing because whenever I got home to see my wife crying and stressed about the loss of our baby, it stressed me out. Most of my messages were more of flirting than meet ups, because I didn’t really have time. Until I met a lady in my mum’s area whom I got involved. It broke the seal. Spiritually, I’ve been a man of God for a good number of years. I’m not blaming anyone but, in my position, there are many attempts and attacks that I face. If they can’t get you, they will get anyone you love. I’m not blaming anyone or anything but this is where I find myself. No matter how I explain, it won’t make sense to her because she’s extremely angry. I choose to cry within and be sorry for myself.

Andrea: I’m very sure you didn’t start cheating just when we got married, because I read your chat with the lady you said is at your mum’s area. You started way back in 2021, if I am right; so why would you use the first miscarriage as an excuse? Be honest and blunt with me here please!

DBM: It’s good you’ve taken responsibility of your actions

Andrea: He hasn’t taken responsibility because he’s still not transparent with me, even after finding out he’s cheating

Judah: What do you want to see before? Because you have access to my phone. Which is the root of all the problems

Andrea: I told you I don’t want to do that to myself because I’d be the one to die earlier, so I won’t check your phone ever again. Didn’t I say I regret going to your phone that night? I’m really keeping my cool because I didn’t want to let you know I read the chats you had with the lady. And the thing is that, you didn’t have an affair with just her; so, come clean here now.

Judah: Please don’t keep your cool at all. I want you to say it all

Andrea: Don’t worry, I will. I don’t want to be an anxious person. After all, if I do that what will be left of me?

Judah: I’m saying this here again. That most of my texts are explicitly flirty. To the extent that, when you read, you’ll feel we meet everyday

Andrea: I’ll show you evidence now because you’re still not coming clean. Most of the ladies you sent flirt texts, money, data bundle and calls to, you had sex with them.

Judah: Please go ahead and show. That’s why we are here

She attaches screenshots from his interactions with other women

DBM: As a man of GOD, based on what your wife has said, it seems like the trust she has in and for you has faded.

Judah: The position I’m in now, everything I say will be a lie. You’re not a thief until you’re caught. So, I accept every charge on me. Explaining over and over again won’t really change the fact that I’ve cheated on my wife

Andrea: Even with the lady who told you that she works as a prostitute, you went ahead to have sex with her. And were lying to her that you didn’t have a girlfriend, even though we had been in a relationship close to five years by then.

DBM: Pastor, what do you think you can do differently to change that?

Judah: I have deleted over 200 contacts, both male and female. She has access to my phone now. I pray with her before we leave the house (something I wasn’t doing before)

Andrea: This prostitute really wanted you to prove that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and you told huge lies that you get sex from your ex, who’s also in a relationship. Even with that information, she wanted to fuck you, and you also wanted to do it.

Judah: I know I’ve been dirty, and I accept every charge

Andrea: I don’t have access to your phone, because you even get angry and aggressive to the point that you hit me

Judah: When did I get aggressive? Have you asked and not gotten?

Andrea: Just this morning, you were aggressive with me.

Judah: You know how it feels when you’re accused of something you didn’t do? That was painful.

Andrea: You held me tight and wanted to hit me. But because I dared you to try and get arrested, you stopped! So, you better come clean. I want you to know that you’re a liar! You didn’t just have sex with only Carolina; that’s what I want to hear

Judah: I have begged you. My mother and brothers all cried and begged you not to leave me, yet you’re still harboring this. Well, like I said. I’m contemplating suicide and when it happens, all will be over. After all, I own nothing to my name.

Andrea: We are both in pain because you refuse to let us talk about the circumstances that led to that act, yet you get aggressive anytime. Claiming it’s a spiritual attack instead of accepting your actions.

Judah: Where did I say I haven’t accepted my charges?

DBM: May I know how long you both have been married?

Judah: One and a half years now

Andrea: Just a year.

Judah: In as much as I want this solved, I don’t want it to affect my ministry and what I’ve built for a decade

Andrea: The chats I’ve seen means that you didn’t start this cheating habit after we got married. I am actually mad that you didn’t think about your marriage, and just went ahead to do whatever

DBM: Were you really ready for marriage or you settled because that is what you were taught, considering you grew up in the church?

Judah: I was ready for it. I knew very well

Andrea: I’m not sure you were ready, because the fact that I get suspicious and ask you continuously that, ‘are you doing anything outside of our marriage’, and you rapidly get angry at me, and even hit me sometimes; that I should never think like that of you. Not knowing you’re not that of a saint. That is what really hurts me. It’s not like I didn’t get suspicious continually. But you decided to rather deny and get angry on top of it. I really kept believing you because I didn’t want doubt to set into our relationship and marriage. I tried not to ever go through your phone and you know very well that I don’t do that, unlike you. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Would you be ready for the trauma associated with this level of betrayal?

Judah: If that’s the only way you’ll forgive me, and keep me as your husband, then please go ahead. Because I love you and I want to save our marriage. Dave, I’m preparing for church now but I’ll be following please. Give me a few minutes

DBM: Mrs., what’s the first thing you noticed about your husband when you first met?

Andrea: His love towards the Ministry

DBM: And prior to his affairs, what was your favorite thing about your relationship with him?

Andrea: His honesty

DBM: Pastor, what’s the first thing you noticed about your wife when you first met?

Judah: Her sense of hard work and dedication

Andrea: I actually had a problem when we started our marriage counseling, and so I voiced it out to the counselors. They told my husband to not give in to that, but he never took their advice. He was always on his phone even after initiating that we go outdoors and spend some time. He will be on his phone until we leave the place, and he continues when he’s driving. I’ve been complaining but he doesn’t care. That’s why I told our marriage counselors.

DBM: Hmmm!

Andrea: He doesn’t want me to talk about the pain he caused me and this marriage. He prefers that we act like everything is okay, but I’m not really well with it. I even had to say out of anger that this infidelity could be the reason why I lost two pregnancies. Because I was really hurt. I didn’t want to tell his mother that this is what his son had done, and so I forced my husband that I’ll tell our counselors. He said they are not that confidential, so he’ll get a mutual person, and I just okayed.

He called his mum that midnight when I found out he was cheating, through the messages on his phone, that she should come to our place now because I’ve decided to leave my marriage. He told his mother parts of the story.

DBM: I see. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Andrea: No! After I found out what he did, it made me question myself severally, because I can boldly say there’s nothing tangible that he has provided since he met me till date. I do things like I’m the man of the house, without any complain; all because I loved what I was doing. Now, he’s made me realize I was a fool for a long period. He’d rather give money out to other ladies, but his own wife, even if I ask, he’ll tell me he doesn’t have enough money.

DBM: Have you gotten yourself tested for any STI’s after finding out about his affairs?

Andrea: I told him the first thing we should do was to get ourselves tested. I was also scared of the unknown. He agreed to getting tested but hasn’t even mentioned or said that we should go and do it. He actually had an itching in his manhood and I was also infected; that’s how come I wanted to go through his phone and get answers, since he wasn’t willing to do so.

DBM: I would suggest you get yourself tested, just to be on the safe side

Andrea: It involves money and at the moment, I’m not working due to how I lost both pregnancies. I just started a business this week. We will get tested on Monday. The truth is, my husband doesn’t have any money.

DBM: I see

Andrea: I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, that it could be probable that he didn’t love me from the beginning. Maybe, it was just for the benefits he was getting from me. But I rethink again and I remember, while we were dating, he didn’t want me to talk to any other guy, so he always went through my phone and even blocked some of my male contacts. At a point, I got angry because my elder sister told him not to be doing that. I had to stop him because I wasn’t doing that to him.

DBM: I have a lot of questions to ask him when he comes back online

Andrea: Okay, but he will be back after church around 12am or so I think

DBM: We can use as many days to chat. Most of the conversations I publish on my website takes from two to five days. We can continue whenever

Judah: I’m here David. Let’s continue if you have the time

DBM: Since you’re a pastor, I’d want to understand your moral compass. How did you feel after the affairs? Was there any guilt at all?

Judah: I was guilty anytime I saw her, and felt like opening up. But I believe everything that has a beginning, has an end. If I had opened up, it wouldn’t have gotten to this level.

DBM: Are you on the same wavelength as your wife about monogamy in your relationship/marriage?

Judah: Yes, I am

DBM: From all that your wife said about you yesterday, I could deduce there is a high probability that the information she managed to gather about you cheating isn’t the first time you have done this. Do you consider yourself a serial cheater?

Judah: David, I am guilty of cheating. I say this and I’ll say it again, most of them were mere flirty messages

DBM: Do you think you have the ability to change from this behavior?

Judah: It’s been two weeks after being caught, and I tell you the truth, my conscience is so clear. I’ve never been free like this before. No level of guilt

DBM: At the moment, your wife doesn’t seem to trust you. What are you going to do about that?

Judah: I’m in for anything she wants to do. Because the level of disrespect is too much. I wouldn’t want to stress over this one again.

DBM: Do you understand what could be going through your wife’s mind after finding you out?

Judah: I totally understand sir. I know because I’ve been in that state before

DBM: Explain

Judah: I mean in my lifetime, I’ve been hurt many times, looking at where my life comes from as a man of God

DBM: Is saving your marriage a priority to, or for you?

Judah: There’s nothing as important as saving my marriage. I’ve told her many times, that we should get it over and done with and move on. I have

DBM: Teach me how you expect your wife to quickly move on from this, as you seem to have easily done?

Judah: I have developed a very thick skin over the years. My family background speaks a lot of volumes. I’ve seen my mum becoming a single parent when my dad left her. So, I’ve learnt to quickly let things go and never mention it to anyone. I will definitely remember, but I ask myself if it’s worth it. No matter how deeply I hurt, by the next day I’m over it. It’s not that I don’t remember; I just don’t dwell on the past

DBM: I’m glad your approach works for you. But do you think you wife equally deserves her own way of figuring all this mess out?

Judah: Yes, David

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Judah: Most definitely

DBM: Do you love her?

Judah: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Judah: I really am

DBM: Was she a means to an end? As in, whatever it was about her that influenced your decision to date and marry her?

Judah: I literally built my world around her. I couldn’t do anything without her. I literally gave up on a lot of things because of her. We dated for four years and married on the 5th, because I said to myself, I can’t keep someone’s daughter like that. I know her and there’s nothing else to know anymore. So, I woke up one morning and made a call to my parents that I want to marry her.

DBM: This would be my last question: you have the word to say anything on your mind or heart to your wife’s hearing.

Judah: I’ve said everything I need to say. I totally regret my actions. But I give her all the right to do whatever she wants to do to me. She says she wants to do what I did to her, so that she’ll feel equal. If it will make her happy, then she should do it. If that’s what I’ll get, then no problem. But for me, whatever I did, I’ve gotten over it and I’m not willing to ever mention it again because it’s not something I want to revisit.

Image Credit: Keira Burton

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

Let’s Talk To Malik

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 93: Malik

DBM: Hi Malik. How would you describe yourself?

Malik: Empty. The supply of fuel that could drive my ability to take crazy risks and be confident in myself is no longer in service

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Malik: 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Malik: I think my wife has done something to me. I cannot get an erection when I am with another woman. I am only able to keep an erection around my wife.

DBM: How old are you?

Malik: 40

DBM: And, is this an occasional episode or the norm?

Malik: I am unable to get an erection with any other woman except my wife

DBM: Are you an excessive alcohol taker?

Malik: No! I drink occasionally

DBM: Do you do drugs?

Malik: No!

DBM: Are you a smoker?

Malik: I smoke once in a while

DBM: Do you take any sedatives?

Malik: Not really

DBM: Are you on any medications, i.e., antidepressants?

Malik: No!

DBM: Are you on any blood pressure medications?

Malik: My heart is in a good place, no.

DBM: Are you depressed or anxious of anything?

Malik: Yes! I can’t get my dick hard anymore when I am with other women

DBM: Are you under any kind of stress, aside your immediate problem?

Malik: No!

DBM: What is your self-esteem level?

Malik: Very low, because of the problem

DBM: Have you gone to see a doctor?

Malik: No

DBM: Why not?

Malik: Something is telling me it’s my wife behind all this.

DBM: What makes you think your wife could be involved?

Malik: We had a big argument last year, in July. We ignored each other for days when we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. I had a dream in one of those nights about finding money in our trash. My grandma always says, if you dream about accidentally finding money in a pile of trash, wake up from your sleep and check the trashcan. Because you’re in bad luck. It’s a bad omen; you or someone close to you is either going to die or a misfortune would befall you. When I woke up in the morning, I felt a mild but sharp jab in my left hip – like someone had injected a substance into my body. I went to check the garbage can outside the main house, and there was a syringe and smaller-sized needle thrown in it. The syringe had a red substance in it

DBM: Did you confirm the content in the syringe?

Malik: I did not. I just assumed it was blood

DBM: Blood from where?

Malik: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife a nurse or doctor?

Malik: She’s not

DBM: Where did the syringe and needle come from?

Malik: It should have come from our house because the trashcan is in the main compound of our home. I asked my wife about it and she was acting all surprised

DBM: What if she genuinely, did not know anything about it?

Malik: It couldn’t have come from the kids because they hate hospitals and injection

DBM: So, on what grounds are you suspecting your wife?

Malik: I couldn’t be aroused that afternoon, when I met with one of my girlfriends. She tried every trick in her books to get me hard but it wouldn’t respond. This is a girl I had been having mad sex with for years. I couldn’t even masturbate on my own. The moment my wife returned home from work and I smelled her body scent, I naturally got a hard-on

DBM: That’s strange

Malik: Tell me about it!

DBM: How long have you been married?

Malik: 11 years

DBM: When did you first notice the problem outside your home?

Malik: July 6th 2022

DBM: When did you feel the pain in your hip?

Malik: The morning of July 6th

DBM: I see

Malik: I have three close friends I have fun with. I haven’t been able to fuck any of them ladies since

DBM: Erections are mysterious, and they do have a mind of their own. I think you need to consider seeing a doctor – just to be sure you’re on the safe side.

Malik: My wife has done something to me

DBM: Have you confronted her about your suspicions?

Malik: No!

DBM: What did you argue about last July?

Malik: She came across one of my escapades through WhatsApp and made a mountain out of a molehill. Husbands will cheat, we will get caught. If you can’t understand that a man will ultimately disappoint you, just walk your separate way. What is difficult about this?

DBM: Most women fear to be alone. Reason why some stay in terrible situations

Malik: What is terrible about having a little fun here and there?

DBM: What is your definition of ‘a little fun…’

Malik: David, for me sex is sex to satisfy my urges. I do not have to be in love to enjoy sex. Marriage is marriage. These two can never overlap in my books. It cannot affect my love for my wife. And I have no intention of leaving my wife.

DBM: Good to know! Now that you’re unable to be with other women, use the cuddle and care of your wife to sooth your broken ego.

Malik: What she’s done to me is a crime, and I don’t know how to prove it. After damaging my manhood, she’s refused to be available to me; she’s refused to have sex with me. She doesn’t care and has been sleeping with the children in their rooms. The only person who can give me sex is punishing me by not giving me sex. Why cause me so much pain in the first place and then refuse to take away my pain? I am deeply broken. Women are evil

DBM: Go and see a doctor. That is what you need to do

Malik: Will it change anything?

DBM: It can help you stop impugning your wife for your misery and unhappiness. You are solely responsible for your low self-image. Get yourself fixed.

Malik: If I were a woman, you would have been way empathetic towards my plight

DBM: I genuinely am concerned about you. What I am trying to get you to understand is that, you assumed other women, and not your wife could make you feel good about yourself. And masked your true feelings from the one woman whose opinions should have mattered to you the most. You don’t take a woman for a fool and expect her to open her legs for you that easily

Malik: I am her husband

DBM: Then stop blaming your wife for your failures

Image Credit: Karolina Grabowska

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To Awo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 55: I choose Awo

DBM: Hello Awo. How would you describe yourself?

Awo: I’ve been through a lot, but I think I am strong – stronger than I know

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Awo: My husband used to grow his left-little finger. He kept it rounded, polished and clean. It used to be really cute, till he accidentally poked my right eye during sex. My retina tore and fluid came out of my eye. My right eye practically opened, and the rest is history. I lost my vision for the right eye, even after undergoing surgery.

DBM: Oh, my goodness!

Awo: The pain I had to endure for months… Hmmm!

DBM: I can only imagine.

Awo: The incident made me hate my husband for all the wrong reasons. I developed a lot of negative feelings towards him, I was not exactly sure why. I wouldn’t let him touch or even get close to me for almost a year.

DBM: I can understand

Awo: Here is the other thing, I’ve had a fallout with my mother-in-law.

DBM: Why?

Awo: She doesn’t like me

DBM: Why?

Awo: Because her son married me. She’s been against our relationship for the longest time. She had the ‘perfect’ lady-in-waiting to date her son, but he wasn’t interested in her. My mother-in-law thinks I ‘stole’ her son from the woman she approved of.

DBM: Did you come between them?

Awo: I did not

DBM: Okay! How long have you been married?

Awo: Nine years. We’ve been blessed with a boy and a girl

DBM: That’s great!

Awo: You realize I’ve still not told you why I am in your inbox?

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Awo: Dave, I try to avoid any form of conflict as possible. I abhor fights, and I am always careful not to get into arguments with people. But my mother-in-law wouldn’t hear it. She’s had a problem with me since the beginning of time. The annoying part is, anytime she feels like visiting my husband at home, she comes unannounced and uninvited. Actually, I don’t even have a problem with her being here. The children love to have their grandma around. My husband, however, finds an excuse every time his mother arrives – to be less available to her at home. He expects me to bond with a woman he knows doesn’t like me.

DBM: How do you relate with her when she’s around?

Awo: We don’t really talk

DBM: You at least, greet her, no?

Awo: I used to, but she wouldn’t respond and so I stopped.

DBM: And, your children are a witness to this?

Awo: She tells them that I don’t respect her. Dave, it’s a long story.

DBM: I see

Awo: So, in one of our arguments two weeks ago, she made fun of my right eye. She did not know it was her son who caused it, and so I angrily rubbed it in her face, and I think I went overboard to insult her. I threw her things out and sacked her from my house. She stood outside the gate till my husband got home. He wanted to bring her in but she insisted on leaving. And mind you, it was late. Dave, I cannot forget the look of sadness that crossed my husband’s face when his mother started to cry.

DBM: You felt bad about it?

Awo: Yeah, but it wasn’t because his mother was crying.

DBM: What was it then?

Awo: Because I told her he poked my eye. We had agreed not to inform her, due to the toxic relationship between us.

DBM: Why was his mother crying?

Awo: I don’t know

DBM: I see

Awo: I heard my husband talking to a woman on phone, asking if he could bring his mother over for the night. He drove his mother to wherever, and returned home after 12 am. I pretended to be asleep till he started snoring. I checked the call history on his phone, and checked his conversations with the lady he had sent his mum to on WhatsApp.

DBM: What prompted you to do this?

Awo: It was a raw, gut feeling I had, suggesting to me to check his phone. You men may never understand. My internal feeling was telling me something wasn’t right the moment I heard him talking on phone with the other woman outside. Even before I found out that they had been having an affair. There wasn’t much conversation between them as at two weeks ago, because he had been deleting all of their chats. He probably forgot to clear their chats that day because of the altercation between his mother and I.

DBM: How did you feel after what you discovered on his phone?

Awo: Dave, it ruins everything between us.

DBM: Hmmm!

Awo: I am still considering what to do

DBM: It’s always better to make a considered decision, rather than an impulsive one

Awo: If only you knew what is going through my mind right now

DBM: Did you confront him?

Awo: I did, and he is using my issue with his mother to score a stupid point.

DBM: What is going through your mind?

Awo: I want to do something to hit him where it hurts.

DBM: Something like what?

Awo: He breaks my eye and still thinks he has the license to cheat on me?

DBM: Awo

Awo: What?

DBM: This is your anger speaking

Awo: He has hurt me. I will hurt him back

DBM: Treat yourself kindly and consider walking away from what you know isn’t the right thing to do

Awo: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I don’t know what I would have done

Awo: He has a beautiful family with me, and he tells his mother all the time. Why would he risk so much by cheating on me?

DBM: Do you know his motivation for going outside the marriage?

Awo: He says it started when I distanced myself from him for a year after poking my eye.

DBM: He could have found a better way to deal with your silent treatment. I know a lot of guys who have told me that, they can still love their wives and want to have sex with other women.

Awo: And they feel they can get away with it? How inconsiderate can a man be, huh? Don’t you people feel guilty?

DBM: Even if there is a feeling of guilt, it wouldn’t be because of the stray sex. Your husband probably has been contemplating on the consequences, like you finding out about it someday.

Image Credit: Diva Plavalaguna

Let’s Talk To Mawuena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 11 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 32: Mawuena is my name

DBM: Oh, nice. I like Ewe names. What does it mean?

Mawuena: A gift from God or God’s gift

DBM: How is it pronounced?

Mawuena: Ma-wu-ena or MAH-WUH-EH-NAH

DBM: Hi Mawuena. Please tell me a little about yourself

Mawuena: I am married with children. I like it whenever the sunshine falls on my face. I have a good job, I am financially independent, and I have a mind of my own. I love to keep my home clean and my family well fed. I love being involved in my children’s lives, and I have always been there to support my husband and keep him amused.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mawuena: My priority has been to make my husband a happy man by all means, and he’s told me many times that I satisfy him.

DBM: Good, but what does that mean?

Mawuena: Whatever that means, David, because I don’t believe him anymore.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Mawuena: He’s been partially blind for the past few months.

DBM: What happened?

Mawuena: He supposedly returned home from work in August, 2022, feeling sick. He complained about his skin becoming painfully itchy, but would refuse to go and see a physician. A week later, I realized the cornea area of his eyes had started to scar. I called a doctor friend to come and check on him at home. In the middle of October, he went blind.

DBM: Oh, wow! I’m terribly sorry

Mawuena: Don’t be

DBM: Why not?

Mawuena: I think it was the Universe’s way of letting me catch up with him.

DBM: How so?

Mawuena: All that while, I had not heard my husband’s phone ring or vibrate, not even once. He has been given a sick leave to recover, and so he’s been home from Wednesday, 19th of October till date.

DBM: Okay! How is he doing now?

Mawuena: His vision is still blurry but he feels the impact of light rays entering his eyes lately.

DBM: So, that’s an improvement?

Mawuena: Yes, hopefully.

DBM: You were talking about his phone

Mawuena: I don’t know where our five-year old son found his mobile phone but it was switched off and hidden somewhere in the house. He wanted me to download games on it for him to play. I switched it on, and gave it to him to go ask his father for his password. That was in the morning of Tuesday, 25th of October. I was getting late for work so I left them. I came home in the evening, and my son was standing at our carpark, waiting for me. Dave, anytime this child has told me to shishhh, he’s had something to report about. He told me his daddy made him promise not to tell me.

DBM: What?

Mawuena: He was holding his father’s phone. He unlocked the passcode and asked me to check his WhatsApp. My baby says his father instructed him to delete messages that had come in from a particular contact. He did not delete them but had lied to his father he had. He wanted me to see it first.

DBM: What did you see?

Mawuena: Everything a child shouldn’t be seeing. Obscene images and videos from my husband’s girlfriend.

DBM: Why would your son show you this?

Mawuena: Joshua is so beloved. He is the cutest kid in the world and a total badass. He understands my ultimate rule at home: Do not keep anything from mummy.

DBM: I see

Mawuena: From his conversations with the lady on August 24th, whatever bit him to make him feel sick had bitten him while he was at her house. Mind you, it was this same day that he came home complaining about body ache. I did not know he had called in sick at work that Wednesday morning, because he left home, claiming he was going to work. He went to spend an entire day with his side piece of shit.

DBM: Marriage is challenging

Mawuena: Dave, stop with the inspirational talk

DBM: Oh!

Mawuena: I am going through the gruesome pain of his cheating ass and I don’t need any motivational messages at this moment.

DBM: Noted! Have you ever had doubts about his loyalty to you?

Mawuena: I had no clue about infidelity. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because it’s difficult to catch my husband in a wrongdoing. He is smart and gives you no reason to doubt him. My husband is also very careful about leaving any clues on his phone. He would have probably become more careful and subtle if he realized that I was onto him.

DBM: Have you confronted him?

Mawuena: I have.

DBM: You’ve known since October. Are you still angry at him?

Mawuena: Yes, and I’ve tried my best not to hurt him where it hurts, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do. How do I get attracted to a man when he has taken a wrecking ball to my trust in him?

DBM: You love him?

Mawuena: I’ve never loved any man as much as I love my husband. That’s what pains me. Before finding out about his cheating, we used to have sex multiple times in a week. Dave, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. There was so much hunger like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t understand why he would do this to me.

DBM: Unfortunately, the urges of a cheating man lack reason.

Mawuena: And the fact that he told our son to lie, and gave him money for his silence

DBM: How much?

Mawuena: 50 Cedis

DBM: How is a blind man able to see a GHs 50 note?

Mawuena: Josh says he asked him to go and take it from his wallet. But he gave the money to me after handing over his father’s phone.

DBM: Are you still intimate with him?

Mawuena: No! I’ve lost that passion. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with him again.

DBM: Has he owned up to his mistake?

Mawuena: He’s been asking for forgiveness. He’s also been begging for sex.

DBM: Lol!

Mawuena: Smfh!

DBM: Is your relationship worth rescuing?

Mawuena: I no longer have interest in making my marriage a priority.

DBM: Can you let go of the resentment towards him and try to move forward?

Mawuena: Maybe, but I am not sure I would want to have sex with my husband ever again.

DBM: Is there a possibility of you being happy with him, despite what he has done?

Mawuena: No! I have mixed feelings about everything that has happened. I don’t think I can easily forgive and forget. I don’t trust him.

Image Credit: Yan Krukau

Let’s Talk To Mercy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 21: Call me Mercy

DBM: Hey, Mercy! Please tell me a little about yourself.

Mercy: I’m married, and a mother.

DBM: Okay! Any other thing about you?

Mercy: I am a career woman, and not afraid to push boundaries set before me. Dave, I have a question.

DBM: Please ask

Mercy: I am not good at writing and expressing myself with words. Will you be correcting my grammatical errors before publishing it on your website?

DBM: Yes please. I proofread and edit all the conversations, and would even rephrase sentences that aren’t clear to suit my house-style. You are in good hands.

Mercy: Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! What do you want to talk about?

Mercy: I’m just curious Dave, but what do men want?

DBM: I may never know myself

Mercy: The BS my husband is putting me through emotionally eh

DBM: Mercy, the art of bullshit is how most men get through with their day.

Mercy: I almost poisoned my husband’s food for the second time this year.

DBM: That is to the extreme.

Mercy: His actions are forcing me to hurt him.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Mercy: I don’t want to say

DBM: Why not?

Mercy: It might give me away, assuming he gets to see this online.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Mercy: Yes, I love him.

DBM: Getting hurt by the people we love is inevitable.

Mercy: This is something I can’t forgive

DBM: Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

Mercy: Because he is hurting me too.

DBM: Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s hard; it’s a job and you’ve got to work at it every day.

Mercy: I do my part

DBM: What is he doing to hurt you?

Mercy: He is having an affair. Infidelity is the nail in the coffin for me.

DBM: You have proof of this?

Mercy: I wasn’t immediately suspicious. We were having dinner at home, and I realized he had become so alert as to which WhatsApp message to respond to. It was written all over his face though he was trying to play cool. But something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not let my suspicion go. I paid one driver I am cool with for a week to trail my husband. He had gone to meet the same lady three times that week.

DBM: I am sorry.

Mercy: I feel so angry and hurt.

DBM: Do you know how long the affair has lasted?

Mercy: It is still ongoing. I don’t know when it started.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Mercy: He’s going to lie anyways, so what’s the point?

DBM: You mentioned ‘almost’ poisoning him. What made you stop?

Mercy: My kids always came to the kitchen to ask when their father would be home from work. That is what usually gets me emotional and stops me. Because they need their father. So, I would throw away the contaminated meal, and dish a new one.

DBM: Children need their father.

Mercy: I know! It’s like, he has pushed the responsibly of raising our children solely to me. He just pays fees and bills, and provides money. He gets mad very quickly when the children are trying to play around him. He screams at them, ignores them, but has time to be chatting with the other woman. He has time to make plans with another woman.

DBM: People can make poor choices at times, you know?

Mercy: That is no excuse, Dave. At his age, does he need a reminder to prioritize his family?

DBM: It’s your husband’s duty towards you and the family, to share all the responsibilities.

Mercy: He leaves me to deal with issues at home all by myself, while he keeps himself occupied with another woman’s touch. He is spending more time taking the other lady out, talking to her and sharing his goals and dreams. I am burdened at home, all because I am his wife and mother to the children.

DBM: Do you think he is happy being married to you?

Mercy: I do everything to meet his sexual needs. I don’t stress this man at home. Secondly, he chose me. He asked me to marry him. I did not force myself on him. There is this huge hole in my heart and in my life that I have to fill with a man’s touch, affection and attention. Either that, or I may be tempted again to mix something in his food.

DBM: If you are tempted to physically or emotionally hurt someone you love, simply because they hurt you, then it would be best to walk out of the marriage.

Mercy: If there is any walking out to be done, that should be in his obituary.

DBM: If you truly love him, he will need you to help him do right by you.

Mercy: Dave, he doesn’t need me. Trust me, he has his side-chick.

DBM: Most men are addicted to approval and validation from other women. He might be one of those.

Mercy: I don’t care. Right now, it’s two things, I either find myself someone on the side to be meeting my needs – as he’s enjoying, or close this chapter with my husband permanently.

DBM: ‘Till death do us part’?

Mercy: That was my vow to him.

DBM: What about forgiveness? Because the real need for forgiveness is in marriage

Mercy: No good comes of it

DBM: No good comes out of cleansing your heart and making peace with yourself?

Mercy: You do not understand, I will not forget what he’s done to me.

DBM: I am not making any excuses for his behavior. All I am asking is, is his foolishness worth the foolish decision you’re intending on making?

Mercy: He should have thought of all that.

DBM: You need to confront your husband.

Mercy: And say what?

DBM: That, you are thinking of ways to make him pay for what he is doing to you.

Mercy: Why would I want to do that?

DBM: Because just like him, you’re equally flawed, and your perceptions are too.

Mercy: Thank you for the conversation.

DBM: You’re welcome, Mercy. Every relationship that we’ve all been in, one way or the other, requires some level of forgiveness to sustain its relevance to us.

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

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