Tag: Loneliness

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Chloé: Dave, my husband lacks empathy for me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Has he always been this way or he recently started acting up?

Chloé: I think he has always been like this but because I was blinded by love, I overlooked a few of his faults.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Chloé: 5 yrs

DBM: Well, at least there’s the good start: you are not the cause of his problems, and you will not become the cause of his ill behavior toward you.

Chloé: I no longer enjoy my time with him. I don’t think I find him attractive anymore.

DBM: Do you think you need space and time to think about what you want?

Chloé: Yes

DBM: So, tell him. A man already knows what he wants; so, if your husband, through his actions is making you not find joy in his presence and also, find him attractive, then it means he cares less about what you think of him and wants to put that message across.

Chloé: You are right. He comes home very late. He’s always on his phone, even in the shower. He will do everything to avoid me at home. He’s disgusted by the mere sight of me. He has complex passwords on all of his electronic devices.

DBM: Do you check his phone?

Chloé: I don’t do that

DBM: Are you bothered by his attitude?

Chloé: I used to be when I was in love with him, but I’m not sure I care about what he does anymore.

DBM: Do you know why he’s behaving this way?

Chloé: I’ve asked him but he’s denied anything being wrong.

DBM: Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Chloé: No, Dave. I don’t think I can continue staying in this marriage if things don’t change.

DBM: You think he’s having an affair?

Chloé: I always suspected an affair and had to take some extra measures to secure the evidence I needed. I arranged with a taxi driver to be following him for a month, and I got my proof. He’s sleeping with two different women.

DBM: Plus, you?

Chloé: I stopped having sex with him the day my intuition drew my attention to his secretive behavior. The proof is the evidence I believe in, not his explanations as to why.

DBM: Okay! It’s unfortunate that most men reserve the worst of their character for the women they’re supposed to love the most.

Chloé: Dave, I will be fine. I am not going to wait for him to change for my sake. I’m going to rent my own place. I am leaving the kids with him. I’ve been the one taking care of them all this while. It’s his turn to take over.

DBM: How old are your children?

Chloé: 4 and 2

DBM: Lol!

Chloé: Why are you laughing?

DBM: Nothing, really!

Chloé: You think I should take them along?

DBM: Do you want to?

Chloé: No. He is their father. He has to learn how make time for them. My youngest daughter is a daddy’s girl. She’s all about her dad. Taking her along will make things difficult for me.

DBM: How involved is he at home with the kids?

Chloé: He comes home late every day, but he leaves money for them. He pays their fees, etc.

DBM: Since he’s used to coming home late, leaving the kids behind will be a good reason for him to be present for them.

Chloé: I have a question

DBM: Okay?

Chloé: Do you think all men cheat?

DBM: Why, you have a new beau?

Chloé: No, I’m a married woman. I am asking because my husband and I have grown apart.

DBM: You have such a young marriage

Chloé: I know

DBM: When it comes to men, it’s best you have your own boundaries at large. It helps us to know that you do not tolerate certain behaviors and any form of disrespect.

Chloé: I’ve done everything every good wife would do. I was reminiscing the other day about how we used to talk for hours and laugh over everything. We used to enjoy each other’s company when we were dating. I suspected he was entertaining other women even then but I didn’t let it bother me because I felt he was a single man and didn’t owe me his loyalty. He became more withdrawn and distant after we married and had our first child. I thought the birth of our son was going to get him excited about our family.

DBM: Make him choose what he wants, because a real man wouldn’t easily give up something he values in order to keep a side piece he’s entertaining his boredom with. If he’s comfortable losing what you’ve built together as a unit, let him.

Chloé: I’m very disappointed in myself

DBM: Why?

Chloé: I feel like I’ve wasted five to six years of my life for nothing.

DBM: You cannot blame yourself for the actions of an inconsiderate man. He is the one who has been breaking your marital vows and choosing to destroy the family you’ve built together. He is still out there living his best life and having fun. Why are you being hard on yourself for someone else’s poor choices?

Chloé: I wanted this marriage to work, Dave. I did not want to raise children in a broken home.

DBM: If I go and steal waakye today from Hajia because I was feeling very hungry, it would sound somewhat okay an excuse until I discover later on that – a hungry man can have more than four other means to get waakye without necessarily stealing it. Your husband had a choice to do right by you and the marriage. Cheating, lying, disrespecting you while doing the most to make you not feel loved and wanted are all some of the available options to him. Question is, are these the only better options available to him to make his relationship with you work?

Chloé: Do you know why a man will all of a sudden, change and be slipping out of your hands?

DBM: What do you usually argue about at home?

Chloé: Everything I do irritates my husband, Dave.

DBM: He’s probably seeking or might have found something better out there. A man will be tempted to choose better over good. He’s probably figuring out ways and means to hang onto the good he’s currently married to, at home, while also trying to experience what could be better for him out there. It’s in your choice to go along with his idea of having his cake and eating it.

Chloé: I’m going to go ahead to rent the two-bedroom apartment I’ve found. David, thank you.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Raw Emotions

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kuntwaa: The kind of future I imagined with my husband by my side, the kind of helpmate and support he was to me and our daughter; the fact that he was the second source of income in our little equation called family. The fact that he was that other parent I dreamed of raising a child with; my best friend in the world, died; leaving me and our little angel all by ourselves whiles he hovers somewhere over the rainbow, alone, probably feeling vulnerable and lost. Dave, doing marriage for six years with my late husband was one of my greatest accomplishments. So, for it to be just over like that without giving me enough time to experience the ‘in sickness and in health’, ‘for better and for worse’ aspects of our vows really hurt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): There are no words. I am terribly sorry about that.

Kuntwaa: Yeah

DBM: How long has it been since he died?

Kuntwaa: Three years

DBM: How is your daughter doing?

Kuntwaa: She’s fine

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kuntwaa: I thought I was. Because I wasn’t fully living for a year and a half after his death, I dated briefly and fell in love with an emotionally generous man. He was alone and in a quiet phase in his own life after his divorce. We both seemed to be walking broken and empty on these streets. That practically how we met. He offered to take me out on a date and we bonded from there. It has been interesting and fun knowing him and being known by him. He introduced me to his two kids, he met my daughter and she loved him. Dave, he welcomed me into his world and managed to make me feel loved and wanted. He made me laugh and I finally thought I had it all over again.

DBM: What happened?

Kuntwaa: He reunited with his ex-wife

DBM: Oh my!

Kuntwaa: His children loved me but they preferred their father and mother rather being together.

DBM: Ha!

Kuntwaa: I contacted you because my daughter keeps asking me why Uncle Dodoo left, because she misses him. They used to talk on the phone every day. She feels every man she’s come to love has left her.

DBM: How did you introduce Uncle Dodoo to her?

Kuntwaa: I told her he was my ‘special friend’.

DBM: Were you sleeping over at his end?

Kuntwaa: Yes, sometimes with my daughter. He slept over at mine a couple of times too.

DBM: Just use the dynamics in friendship to explain things to her. Some friends are meant to stay with us for the long haul, while others just come in and go. She needs to understand that, it’s okay to sometimes miss someone we care about.

Kuntwaa: But she keeps asking a lot of questions

DBM: You need to as much as possible be truthful with your answers to her questions

Kuntwaa: Truthful to what extent?

DBM: You need to explain your feelings about the whole breakup to your daughter. When I was a child, I had all these big emotions. I could feel what my mother was feeling. I felt hurt when she was hurt. I was happy when she was happy about something. You need to help her to understand the complexities of her own feelings. She’s feeling a whole lot of things and it’s your responsibility as a parent, to help her make sense out of what’s going on inside and outside of her.

Kuntwaa: It’s not that simple

DBM: Why is that?

Kuntwaa: He still wants us to be, while he works things out with his wife

DBM: Wait! Was he officially divorced?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: I see. What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I was very much attracted to him. I feel like he was honest with me in our relationship. He was capable of providing for me. I make a good living for myself but it’s sweet to also have a successful man who cares about me and my daughter, and was treating us with respect and love. He promised to provide me the life I’ve always dreamed of. My relationship with him was already on that path that I was enjoying living in.

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I just answered that

DBM: Is he dating his ex-wife?

Kuntwaa: No! His family presented drinks to her family again.

DBM: So, he’s married?

Kuntwaa: I think so.

DBM: And he wants what he had with you on the side?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I want a man of my own

DBM: I don’t know how best to say this in the right context for you to understand. I am telling you this not because I am a man, but because I understand men. I know men probably in ways you may never know. So, believe me when I tell you that – you need a man who is available to only you, so he would have more than enough time to sweep you off your feet with his genuineness, out of your own dreamed reality, and place you gently into his own ideal of a reality with you in it. That is a man you can confidently lay your love on. That is a man you can decide to want to trust wholeheartedly. That is a man you can depend on. That is a man who will never consider choosing another person over you.

Kuntwaa: Ok

DBM: Your feelings for him are valid, and I respect that. Question is, is he worth the risk of your feelings and that of your daughter’s being taken for granted? Because someone who leaves you for another person, yet still wants to be with you – does not respect you that much. Do not dedicate your time and attention to someone whose actions, deliberately eats away the little emotions you have left in you to give.

Kuntwaa: I don’t want to be alone, Dave

DBM: I don’t think I have anything else to say to you for now.

Kuntwaa: Ok. It was nice talking to you.

Image Credit: PNW Production

COLOUR OF LOVE

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 10: Olive

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

OLIVE: I am a quiet young lady who loves to bring out the best in people. I love with my all and abhor drama of all forms. I love and pursue peace in all my relationships.

DBM: How long have you been married?

OLIVE: It’s been 11years of matrimony.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

OLIVE: Well, my ideal man is one that will love me for who I am, be content with me in my good, bad and the ugly. The perfect man for me didn’t have to be rich or poor but should have a vision and a clear plan for himself so I can correctly play my role as a help-mate suitable for him. Above all, I wanted my man to be someone who puts God first in everything, and was crazily kind to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. My husband didn’t completely fit the specifications but I was willing to work with what I had.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

OLIVE: We met at a mutual friend’s graduation ceremony and became friends. A few months later he proposed, and I accepted because I had heard a lot of great things about him, which led me into concluding that he fit about 60% of my criteria for an ideal man.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

OLIVE: I actually hoped that we would grow to be the best of friends as the years came by since we really did not know each that intimately before marriage. Unfortunately, this desire of a friendship with my husband has not happened. I have tried several ways to help us build this but I have come to the conclusion that – that may not be what he desires of us, based on how he has received my efforts over the years.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

OLIVE: I cannot really tell. It’s been so long since we made each other laugh. I can only remember a few years into the marriage when I was trimming his toenails in our backyard. A neighbor commented that he envied him because he has a good wife, and that made him laugh out loud.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

OLIVE: I have always had my doubts about him being the suitable person for me. Remember I accepted his proposal based on the testimony of mutual friends. When we kick-started the relationship, he said and did a lot stuff that made me doubt his authenticity as a Christian, and his love for me and all that. My spirit was always unsettled but I thought that I was being too judgmental about him because he was really a kind guy to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. I went ahead with the marriage because I had given him and his parents my word. I also, hoped that whatever negative energy was all in my head, and that, with time I would come to know the real him that our friends testified to. Long story short, I still don’t know.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

OLIVE: Only when he smiles or laughs. There is something about his eyes that melts my heart anytime he smiles.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

OLIVE: I believe that 70% of the time I listen to understand what he is communicating, and will choose to either respond or not based on the understanding I gain. This approach has helped prevent a lot of unnecessary fights in the marriage because initially, I was listening to respond.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

OLIVE: He is not doing very much in this position. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy to the children and his friends.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

OLIVE: Every one word in the vow means the world to me. I believe these words: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part” were given to use for a purpose. After eleven years in this journey, I really want to choose but judging from what we have been through, I think each of them is a valuable to me.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

OLIVE: Taking walks in the evenings or just sitting outside enjoying the beauty of nature and chit chatting. We have taken a lot of trips to enjoy but I have fun when we do simple stuff.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

OLIVE: The love for my husband has been dinging in the last eight years. I have put a wall around my heart because I don’t want to hurt again. I feel like my husband took the love that I gave him, trampled on it under his feet, picked it up, and threw it at me and said to me: “in your face, Olive!”

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

OLIVE: No!

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

OLIVE: Not much. I am mostly fulfilling my wifely duties – cooking, cleaning, feeding the children, etc. When we are together, he is always having a great time with the friends on his phone. When I make the move to be with him, he often tells me that he is busy working on a project he brough home from work, or doing something that is more important than spending time with me. The excuses are plenty so, I have learnt to be my own cheerleader and spend time with me.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

OLIVE: Not at all!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

OLIVE: I don’t feel secure at all. I honestly do not know why I am still married on most days.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

OLIVE: In the next 10 years if I am being honest, I see myself taking care of our children as a single mom and my husband married to his longest surviving side chick. However, my spirit tells me that things will be better in the next 10 years and we will have a strong marriage, laughing over his “sexcapades”.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

OLIVE: My ideal sex life is as many acts as we desire, as long as there is nothing biological hindering the act. Drop hints well ahead of the action, not like 5 minutes before. Of course, there are times that demand a quickie which I understand but that should not be the status quo. We should try new positions and all things that are permissible and beneficial for strengthening the marriage bond. Most importantly, I want to be shown that I am desirable not only for sex but for all things that pertain to marriage. This gesture honestly helps me give my all.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

OLIVE: 0.5/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

OLIVE: My understanding of love is informed by 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I believe that love is a choice I make every day that I have breath to do what is outlined above.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

OLIVE: No! I feel like I am a “ceremonial wife” in my marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

OLIVE: I try my best to be a good spouse but my husband rarely compliments me on my efforts except, when his married friends draw his attention to my efforts when comparing me to their spouses.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

OLIVE: Yes, emotionally. Physically, I decided to experiment with cheating but could not carry it through because it was too much work to do. I was curious that for all the years that we have been married, my husband has been cheating with different shades of young ladies. I really wanted to know what was to be gained from that practice, but I could not carry it through. Dave, cheating is too much work and belittling!

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

OLIVE: Kwabena, after eleven years of journeying with you in marriage and all the blessings we have been blessed with, I am still baffled that you are not content with me and all we have. I am still with you because I believe you can change to be an excellent husband to me. Unfortunately, I am unsure how long I can keep this hope and faith alive. I want to love you wholly again like crazy, but I am afraid you will hurt me and take me for granted. Again, I don’t know what other sacrifice I must make to make this marriage work. Please help me help our marriage work. We can do it!

Image Credit: Anastasia Shuraeva

LOOKING BACK AT ME

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I don’t even know how to start my story, but I need to get it off my chest. I remember being sexually abused at four or five years old. Even though I was just a child, I remember he was a friend to my family; especially with my big sister. He was the type I could go to his room and my parents wouldn’t be bothered. All that I could remember was, he made me sit on his lap and he would insert his fingers in my private parts. I can’t remember the exact times it happened but I know I didn’t tell anyone about it. I can’t remember if he threatened me or not but I couldn’t tell my parents or siblings.

Unfortunately for me too, he left the town as I was growing up, and so I actually forgot about the whole incident. Fast forward to about age nine or ten; my cousin from my father’s side came to live with us. She was about four years older than me. We got along a lot and almost did everything together. Anytime we played, I remember letting her insert her fingers in my private part and sometimes too, I did same to her. It continued for a while. My mom was the strict type, so I couldn’t open up to her like I was supposed to. As little as I was, my mom thought I was sleeping around and was always ready to beat me.

I found solace in my cousin and rather told her my problems. She was the first person I ran to when I first menstruated. I knew a lot at age 11 concerning sex, even though I had not done it before. Well, I’m sure it’s the type of friends I made in school. I had a boyfriend all this while, but we never did anything sexual. Eventually, I lost my virginity at age 13. The sad thing I told my self was, I have done well; at least, I’m 13 and all those around me had done it, so what was I waiting for?

31-12-08 to 1-01-2009: I gave it all to my then ‘serious boyfriend’. From there, I had a series of relationships; most of them, I would go in with my all but along the line, I would say what if he cheats? Why don’t I add another one in case…. After high school, I had slept with about 20 men. I went to tertiary and had about six different relationships, which all led to sex. I don’t know if it was desperation or I was just being plain stupid. I really crave for love but I’m mostly left or I leave. I had so much pride in me that, I would rather replace you than to apologize or talk things out.

Those that I was willing to apologize to also didn’t want me anymore. At age 26, I had a body count of 40 sexual partners, with five abortions to my credit. Three out of the five abortions were for a married man. Tell me, am I not stupid? As at now, I have a job; but even with that, I slept with my boss for it. I gathered courage and broke up with the married man but recently, we have gotten in contact because the guy I left him for is in the States and even that one kraa, I have slept with someone else with the aim that, the US guy won’t take me seriously. Unfortunately, the new guy doesn’t really seem to be serious about me or want anything. He’s scared I guess! I actually look organized, but deep down, I’m not.

The married man I was dating has started calling me and giving me attention again. The US guy has also started acting up because he claims since he went, we haven’t had video sex; mind you – he was here in July and we had a lot of sex. In all, I feel so lonely; I feel I have wasted my life and I feel I would never be loved genuinely. Am I desperate? I’m now working and my salary is okay. Apart from the married man, I have never really been asking for help from guys I date. I break down any time I remember how I have cheapened myself. I really crave for love, especially now that I feel I’m ready to forsake everything and start all over again. But how?

I always believed I am a strong person but sometimes, the strongest gets weak. I have always wanted to talk to people but I’ve got trust issues. I am sharing this here to get this horrible life and secret out of my chest. In all, I blame myself and my mom because honestly, she failed me and I pray I don’t ever fail my children if I ever have any. I want to be their best friend. I want my future kids to always come to me without fear, and I don’t want my children to repeat my mistakes. I pray for forgiveness all the time and I pray true love finds me; and when it does, hopefully, I would be able to see it clearly and give my all without messing it up.

Image Credit: Aviz

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