COLOUR OF LOVE

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 10: Olive

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

OLIVE: I am a quiet young lady who loves to bring out the best in people. I love with my all and abhor drama of all forms. I love and pursue peace in all my relationships.

DBM: How long have you been married?

OLIVE: It’s been 11years of matrimony.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

OLIVE: Well, my ideal man is one that will love me for who I am, be content with me in my good, bad and the ugly. The perfect man for me didn’t have to be rich or poor but should have a vision and a clear plan for himself so I can correctly play my role as a help-mate suitable for him. Above all, I wanted my man to be someone who puts God first in everything, and was crazily kind to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. My husband didn’t completely fit the specifications but I was willing to work with what I had.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

OLIVE: We met at a mutual friend’s graduation ceremony and became friends. A few months later he proposed, and I accepted because I had heard a lot of great things about him, which led me into concluding that he fit about 60% of my criteria for an ideal man.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

OLIVE: I actually hoped that we would grow to be the best of friends as the years came by since we really did not know each that intimately before marriage. Unfortunately, this desire of a friendship with my husband has not happened. I have tried several ways to help us build this but I have come to the conclusion that – that may not be what he desires of us, based on how he has received my efforts over the years.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

OLIVE: I cannot really tell. It’s been so long since we made each other laugh. I can only remember a few years into the marriage when I was trimming his toenails in our backyard. A neighbor commented that he envied him because he has a good wife, and that made him laugh out loud.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

OLIVE: I have always had my doubts about him being the suitable person for me. Remember I accepted his proposal based on the testimony of mutual friends. When we kick-started the relationship, he said and did a lot stuff that made me doubt his authenticity as a Christian, and his love for me and all that. My spirit was always unsettled but I thought that I was being too judgmental about him because he was really a kind guy to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. I went ahead with the marriage because I had given him and his parents my word. I also, hoped that whatever negative energy was all in my head, and that, with time I would come to know the real him that our friends testified to. Long story short, I still don’t know.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

OLIVE: Only when he smiles or laughs. There is something about his eyes that melts my heart anytime he smiles.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

OLIVE: I believe that 70% of the time I listen to understand what he is communicating, and will choose to either respond or not based on the understanding I gain. This approach has helped prevent a lot of unnecessary fights in the marriage because initially, I was listening to respond.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

OLIVE: He is not doing very much in this position. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy to the children and his friends.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

OLIVE: Every one word in the vow means the world to me. I believe these words: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part” were given to use for a purpose. After eleven years in this journey, I really want to choose but judging from what we have been through, I think each of them is a valuable to me.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

OLIVE: Taking walks in the evenings or just sitting outside enjoying the beauty of nature and chit chatting. We have taken a lot of trips to enjoy but I have fun when we do simple stuff.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

OLIVE: The love for my husband has been dinging in the last eight years. I have put a wall around my heart because I don’t want to hurt again. I feel like my husband took the love that I gave him, trampled on it under his feet, picked it up, and threw it at me and said to me: “in your face, Olive!”

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

OLIVE: No!

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

OLIVE: Not much. I am mostly fulfilling my wifely duties – cooking, cleaning, feeding the children, etc. When we are together, he is always having a great time with the friends on his phone. When I make the move to be with him, he often tells me that he is busy working on a project he brough home from work, or doing something that is more important than spending time with me. The excuses are plenty so, I have learnt to be my own cheerleader and spend time with me.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

OLIVE: Not at all!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

OLIVE: I don’t feel secure at all. I honestly do not know why I am still married on most days.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

OLIVE: In the next 10 years if I am being honest, I see myself taking care of our children as a single mom and my husband married to his longest surviving side chick. However, my spirit tells me that things will be better in the next 10 years and we will have a strong marriage, laughing over his “sexcapades”.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

OLIVE: My ideal sex life is as many acts as we desire, as long as there is nothing biological hindering the act. Drop hints well ahead of the action, not like 5 minutes before. Of course, there are times that demand a quickie which I understand but that should not be the status quo. We should try new positions and all things that are permissible and beneficial for strengthening the marriage bond. Most importantly, I want to be shown that I am desirable not only for sex but for all things that pertain to marriage. This gesture honestly helps me give my all.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

OLIVE: 0.5/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

OLIVE: My understanding of love is informed by 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I believe that love is a choice I make every day that I have breath to do what is outlined above.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

OLIVE: No! I feel like I am a “ceremonial wife” in my marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

OLIVE: I try my best to be a good spouse but my husband rarely compliments me on my efforts except, when his married friends draw his attention to my efforts when comparing me to their spouses.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

OLIVE: Yes, emotionally. Physically, I decided to experiment with cheating but could not carry it through because it was too much work to do. I was curious that for all the years that we have been married, my husband has been cheating with different shades of young ladies. I really wanted to know what was to be gained from that practice, but I could not carry it through. Dave, cheating is too much work and belittling!

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

OLIVE: Kwabena, after eleven years of journeying with you in marriage and all the blessings we have been blessed with, I am still baffled that you are not content with me and all we have. I am still with you because I believe you can change to be an excellent husband to me. Unfortunately, I am unsure how long I can keep this hope and faith alive. I want to love you wholly again like crazy, but I am afraid you will hurt me and take me for granted. Again, I don’t know what other sacrifice I must make to make this marriage work. Please help me help our marriage work. We can do it!

Image Credit: Anastasia Shuraeva