Tag: Old flames

Sentimental Journey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mofoluwakemi: My husband’s first wife reached out to me one day to ask if I still loved her husband. Let me put it in context; my husband is my first love. The only man I have ever loved. We broke things off in 2008 because I left for Canada to study and fell in love with Vancouver. We had by then dated for two years. I sent him a long email explaining why I he should consider joining me abroad. I told him about the thriving job market, predominantly in industries like technology, which was his field of expertise. And the fact that it also offered a perfect balance of work and personal life. He wanted to remain in Ibadan. I had just started a new job and, after seven months, I got an email from him suggesting we ended things. It was tough but we did end the relationship. Fast forward to nine months later, he got married to his first wife. Two years into their marriage, his wife sent me an email asking if I still loved her husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Were you still talking to him after the breakup?

Mofoluwakemi: No Mr. David, communication in all forms ceased.

DBM: I see. How did she get your email address?

Mofoluwakemi: She said there was an internet Café’ near their house that she and her husband used to frequent. They had both gone there that day and there were a lot of people. So, when her husband was done using the computer, he asked her to come and use his station. He had forgotten to log out of his email when she was about to check hers.

DBM: Interesting.

Mofoluwakemi: Yes. That’s not even all. She said prior to her chancing on our email exchanges, she had woken up at dawn to her husband sleep talking or crying out my name and professing how much he still was in love with me. She said their physical intimacy was great, but she realized as much as he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to being vulnerable or even sharing intimate details of his life with her. And it bothered her for the most time.

DBM: She knew of your name then?

Mofoluwakemi: She did. And had been curious to find all the information there was to me. They had been married for two and a half years with a 12 months old daughter, who was named after me.

DBM: Eish! That’s to the extreme

Mofoluwakemi: It actually came as shock to her too, realizing her daughter’s first name was actually in remembrance of me.

DBM: What was your relationship status during this moment?

Mofoluwakemi: I was single and working hard. I needed the money and experience my job was offering.

DBM: Understandable.

Mofoluwakemi: She said she wrote down my email address after reading every conversation me and her husband used to have on yahoo.com. The first time she sent me a message, she introduced herself and told me how much she loved her husband but also wanted him to find true love. She said she felt something was missing in his life that she couldn’t be the one to fill wholeheartedly. She brought up the idea of me sending him an email to check on him, if I still had feelings for him.

DBM: You had gotten over him, no?

Mofoluwakemi: Dave, what I shared with that man was real. I couldn’t have gotten over him just like that. I still loved him, though we hadn’t spoken in years. I actually tried to date guys in Vancouver to take my mind off him, but I couldn’t because I was so much in love with him. Anytime I would allow another man to get close, I will feel this urge of suddenly being trapped and would frequently be tensed or just find myself crying the arms of these men, while thinking of my husband.

DBM: Hmmm! How did the marriage arrangement come about?

Mofoluwakemi: His wife gave her blessing of approval if I still was interested in her husband. She was willing to share him with me.

DBM: What’s your religion?

Mofoluwakemi: I’m a Christian.

DBM: What’s his wife religion?

Mofoluwakemi: She’s a Muslim.

DBM: That makes a lot more sense. What’s your husband’s religion?

Mofoluwakemi: He’s a Christian.

DBM: Interesting. He did not convert to Islam before marrying his wife?

Mofoluwakemi: He wasn’t forced to. Apparently, the woman comes from a very level-headed Muslim background and family.

DBM: I see. So, you eventually reached out to him?

Mofoluwakemi: No, I did not.

DBM: Why not?

Mofoluwakemi: I wasn’t sure it the right thing to do, going after someone else’s husband like that.

DBM: How did you end up becoming a wife?

Mofoluwakemi: She knew her husband’s yahoo.com password. She sent me an email pretending to be him, expressing how much he’s been thinking about me and wanted to know if I was also going through the same phase. I replied to his message and he found out someone had used his email address to contact me. But Dave, who doesn’t love a good theatrical declaration of undying affection? That’s how we started to talk again. His wife later confessed to the act. He said he went straight to the house to tell his wife of what had happened in his email at the café. His wife told me that was the first time in their marriage that her husband could trust her with that part of him he could have easily hidden from her.

DBM: He cared for her too, I guess!

Mofoluwakemi: On a very deep level. We got married a year later. I moved back to Nigeria to join my husband.

DBM: You all live together?

Mofoluwakemi: No, he bought a 5-bedroom house for me as my wedding gift, and built a 5-bedroom house for his first wife as his appreciation present for her kind initiative. But his wife and I have become the best of friends and out children love each other.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Let’s Talk To Okaile

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 100: Okaile

DBM: Hello Okaile. How would you describe yourself?

Okaile: 🙆🏽‍

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Okaile: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Okaile: My husband’s boss has asked me out, and he says my husband gave him my phone number and the go-ahead to approach me. My husband did not deny it when I confronted him. All he said was, his pending promotion depends on it, and he wants me to do something I have never done for him.

DBM: Did he state exactly what he wants you to do – which you have never done for him?

Okaile: Yes! He wants me to have one-time romantic affair with his boss

DBM: In other words, sleep with his boss?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Okaile: Nine years

DBM: Kids?

Okaile: Yes, we have a son.

DBM: How old is your son?

Okaile: He is six years

DBM: Why do you think your husband is bold enough to request such from you?

Okaile: David, I am shocked. He thinks it would be a fun experience for me – since he is the only man I have known intimately, for the past 10 years.

DBM: Do you find the request funny?

Okaile: Absolutely not!

DBM: Are you the only woman your husband has known sexually, since you married?

Okaile: I don’t know, but I hope yes

DBM: Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Okaile: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Okaile: He was begging me to consider doing it for his sake

DBM: Your husband?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: Have you spoken up about your frustration?

Okaile: I told him I will not do it

DBM: And?

Okaile: He says he desperately needs this promotion because it’s everything he’s wanted. I am disappointed in my husband. I feel very angry right now

DBM: Bottling up all these feelings will only make the bitterness boil

Okaile: When I tell him no, he keeps begging me to consider

DBM: What’s your deepest fear?

Okaile: That he will use it against me someday

DBM: Or leave you

Okaile: Exactly!

DBM: Do not experiment anything thrown at you, simply because it would make your husband’s dream come true

Okaile: I think I caused it

DBM: How is that?

Okaile: I have been the one always telling my husband that he can count on me through thick and thin. Dave, I deeply care about his needs, and I have been constantly there for him any time he’s needed me.

DBM: And this was the best test he could throw your way?

Okaile: He recently bought me a new car. I am just finding out it actually was a gift given to me by his boss. They had talked about me months ago, and had discussed what could pull me in the challenge. A cheque of £5,000 was also presented to me

DBM: Why is his boss interested in you?

Okaile: I know him

DBM: Prior to your husband working for him?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: How do you know him?

Okaile: We used to date

DBM: Before you met your husband?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: Why didn’t the relationship work out?

Okaile: He was married

DBM: Is he single now?

Okaile: No! He is still married

DBM: Does your husband know about your past with him?

Okaile: I don’t think so. After ending things with him, I made sure we didn’t remain friends

DBM: How long was this?

Okaile: 14 years ago. Now that my husband has given my number to him, he’s been messaging me frequently.

DBM: Your best bet would be having a one-on-one conversation with your ex.

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: Why can’t you?

Okaile: I wouldn’t be able to draw any boundaries if I am to meet with him

DBM: Do you have any trust in your marriage to your husband?

Okaile: I do

DBM: So, what’s the problem then?

Okaile: I don’t trust myself

DBM: You have not gotten over him?

Okaile: I thought I did. The spark might rekindle looking at how I am feeling right now

DBM: Awww! Poor you!

Okaile: I feel so bad

DBM: Did you love him?

Okaile: With all of my heart

DBM: Sometimes eh, our connections with certain exes can be as special as however long it takes to heal

Okaile: I don’t think I healed from that break-up

DBM: Didn’t it ever occur to you when your husband applied for a job with him?

Okaile: I didn’t know he was the owner of that company. Our relationship was a one-way street. I never asked questions or bothered to know more about him. We broke up because I found out he had a wife. And, he was my first boyfriend.

DBM: You need to tell your husband. He is currently your most important focus

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: This is something that has gone on in your life that you should be able to easily tell your husband, if he’s able to pitch his boss to you

Okaile: You will not understand

DBM: Help me understand

Okaile: My ex is the first man I ever loved. I told my husband about him; I just didn’t put a name to the description. If I become his friend again, it will quickly turn to romance. Our emotions will be stirred all over again, and the romance I thought I put away will begin to take form and shape. Those strong feelings I had for him will rear its ugly head; and the one-time escapade for my husband’s sake will turn to other secret meetings. I will start lying to my husband because of an affair.  That old flame wasn’t properly laid down.

DBM: But you’ve carried new fire for nine years, no?

Okaile: The old never died

DBM: You need to tell your husband, if the thought of his suggestion already is making you develop hidden feelings for your ex. Your husband wasn’t uncomfortable about the idea of you sleeping with his boss. Tell him, even if this disclosure will make you feel embarrassed.

Image Credit: Beingthetraveller

Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Tess

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 39: Tess

DBM: Hello Tess. Please tell me a little about yourself

Tess: Who I am is the personality you will experience when you meet me in person. I am not the type that will try on different personalities just to make a good impression, or get people to like me. I have a big heart but have a good grasp over my finances. I am self-reliant, and will give off my best to make life better for me.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Tess: I have been presented with the option of either resigning or getting fired

DBM: Who is making you choose?

Tess: My boss’s wife

DBM: Has she the authority?

Tess: She’s a member of the board of directors of the company

DBM: Why does she want to push you out?

Tess: I am pregnant with her husband’s child.

DBM: That was the reason given you?

Tess: She told me I jeopardized my career prospects with their company the day I decided to sleep with her husband.

DBM: Are you blindsided by this news?

Tess: I might have ignored the signs because I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Tess: I’m freaking out

DBM: Before you drive yourself any crazier, have you talked to your boss?

Tess: I’m in contact with my him; we talk on phone every day. He’s promised to fix things

DBM: And, you’re certain your job is not on the line?

Tess: I can only take what he’s told me with a grain of salt.

DBM: When did his wife confront you?

Tess: Thursday

DBM: Where is your boss now?

Tess: He’s been out of the country since last week. He will return on the 30th of January.

DBM: Which is more important to you, your relationship with the boss or the job?

Tess: I care about my job, and I have been performing to the best of my ability. Senior management can testify to this. I put in extra hours every week. That’s how dedicated I am.

DBM: What’s your game plan? Do you know your next move, assuming your boss is not able to get his wife to back off?

Tess: I would file an employment lawsuit for wrongful termination, lost wages and other damages

DBM: What if their excuse is staff layoff?

Tess: I am the only staff being laid off.

DBM: What if she lies about not making such accusations against you?

Tess: There were two other people in the room when she came at me and said, my services are no longer needed because I am sleeping with her husband. I am being unjustly attacked, and I know what was said to me; I know who said it to me and how she said it to the hearing of all those around.

DBM: Are you the elephant in the room?

Tess: What does that mean?

DBM: Is your relationship with the boss public knowledge?

Tess: No! We’ve kept it a secret for two years because his divorce isn’t finalized. They’ve been separated for the past three and a half years.

DBM: How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Tess: Two years

DBM: So, your affair with him didn’t wreck his marriage?

Tess: No, it couldn’t have! They were not together when we started seeing each other.

DBM: So, why is it making your situation at work untenable? You’re about to lose your job over it

Tess: That’s what I am trying to find out. He was my good friend many years ago. It was purely friendship with no strings attached. And he was married then

DBM: He’s still married

Tess: I know. What I am saying is, they were living together and in love with each other. I knew he had feelings for me.

DBM: Did you have feelings for him?

Tess: I did, but I didn’t follow through with it, because he didn’t know. I cut off contact with him when I traveled.

DBM: When did you resume conversations with him?

Tess: Three years later. We met at the mall and realized the attraction was still there, and so we reconnected. That was when I found out they had separated, and started with their divorce processes. We went on lunch and dinner dates, first, as casual friends and then, relationship. He offered me a job opportunity, and I couldn’t decline because I knew I still had feelings for him

DBM: You told him you were still in love with him?

Tess: He told me about his feelings for me first.

DBM: How complex is your relationship with him?

Tess: Keeping it a secret has been problematic for me, because we feel inseparable and happy when we’re together at home.

DBM: How was your relationship with his wife?

Tess: She is not my friend. She knows who I am because I am an employee of theirs.

DBM: Tell me a little about your boss

Tess: He is confident in his abilities, intelligent and very organized; very positive minded, passionate and sensitive; he knows how to dress and look good; he smells good and is good with conversations; he knows his worth and respects mine; he is very understanding and lets me have my space; he never gets tired looking at me; he makes me smile even without being funny; his charm and charisma is lovely; he makes me know that he loves me every day, and I have never grown idle when it comes to digging down deep within to discover fresh reasons to love and appreciate him.

DBM: How old are you?

Tess: 35

DBM: And, this would be your first pregnancy?

Tess: Yes!

DBM: How do you feel about becoming a mother?

Tess: So far, I love being pregnant, and I am hoping to feel the same way about being a mother. I want to own my parenting journey and choose the kind of people I would want to show up for me and the child.

DBM: Are you delivering vaginally or through a C-section?

Tess: I’ve chosen C-section. I don’t think I will be too classy to push. Also, I want this first experience at my age, to be as controlled as possible.

DBM: When is your due date?

Tess: In three months.

DBM: I wish you the very best.

Image Credit: Shvets Production

SPARK SPARKED

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hello,

I am happily married. I am only beginning to realize that I can’t be faithful to him as I thought I would be. I never told my husband about my past. I told him what I knew could influence his decision to marry me. He thinks I am a good girl. Dave, I can be a good wife and everything else good girls are, but my past is loaded. I have 54 men under my belt. My husband is number 54. Twenty seven out of the number f***ked me well. I keep records when it comes to good sex. My husband is not part of the 27. We married because the first day I met him I knew he was the right one to make family. I forgot to factor in the importance of good sex. My concentration was on his fine looks, and his good character; he wasn’t doing bad for himself in his career. My husband is a likable guy. I was ok tolerating our sex life.

When children came in they took my mind off what it meant to have an orgasm. Dave, I can count the number of times I have experienced orgasm with my husband. I reached that height because I was thinking of some of the 27 characters. You get what I am trying to say right? It was still not a problem till I met one of the 27 that I really, really liked. Our relationship didn’t work because he told me he was going to engage his then wife. He is divorced. We met and the spark sparked. It was natural. No one had to say anything to start anything. It was there between us.

I told him I am married, but Dave, my heart was telling him I missed him. He asked for my number. He called my phone in my presence to say hello. That was that! I saved his digits. It’s been three days and he hasn’t called or said anything. I want to call and say hello too but I am scared of what else could follow after the hello. Of all the men I slept with, I think he’s the one I fell in love with. When we broke off, his last words to me were, I am in love with you. I ended our affair because he told me he was getting engaged. I have never had sleepless nights thinking about my husband like I am thinking of this ex. I’ve been a little distracted in thought because I don’t know what to do with him. I keep staring at his name on my phone and I can’t help but smile.

Do I want to go on a date with him? Yes. Do I want to kiss him? Yes. Do I want to touch his bare chest? Yes. Do I want to give him a BJ? Yes. Do I want him to go deeper and harder? Yes. The feeling is so bad, I want to have his child. I have been asking myself if it’s all lust but it’s deeper than lust. His last words to me before we broke off has come alive to me all over again. I don’t know what to do. I know you will tell me to think about my husband. The problem is, I can’t find my husband in my mind and heart since I met my ex.

Image Credit: Rahul Pandit

HE IS THE PRESENT PAST

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I feel very ashamed to be sharing this with you but Dave, do not judge me. I am only human. On my wedding day, I was in a heated conversation with my ex-boyfriend about my decision to marry my husband. My ex is divorced but he was married when we were dating. I was seeing him because he had told me he was getting a divorce. Two years in a relationship with him and his divorce wasn’t happening, so I moved on. I love my husband but I was thinking about my ex when I was saying “I do”. Ten months after I was married, my ex got his divorce. It all happened too fast Dave.

I have been having sex and secret meetings with my ex since I found out about his divorce. He has rented a house where he now lives and that’s where we meet. He wants me to divorce my husband for him. I believe him. I know he is in love with me. Dave, I take my ring off anything I leave the house to go to work. It’s like, I want to be single when I am not home. When I compare the sex between me and my husband and me and my ex, I love the sex my ex gives me. I like the way my ex treats me; I like the way my ex talks to me. He hasn’t changed. He is still the same person I have always known and admired.

I don’t want to throw away a good marriage and family. My husband is a good guy; he takes very good care of our children. But I am scared about pushing my own happiness aside all because I have a husband and children. David, I never stopped loving my ex-boyfriend. I moved on because I didn’t want to remain the side chick of a married man. He was in the process of divorcing; I just couldn’t wait for so long that time. I regret rushing to date my husband, because if I had exercised patience, I would be with the man I truly love. I have more sex with my ex than I have with my husband. Sometimes, I get so tired from my meetings with my ex, I have to fake headaches and sleepiness to avoid my husband’s advances.

I don’t know what to do. I am scared of breaking my home and making things complicated for my children. I am scared of what people will say if I leave my husband for my ex. I am scared of losing my ex because I am still married to my husband. My ex understands the situation I find myself in and he is willing to give me time to make a decision. I don’t know what to do; I want to be happy, Dave. How do I find happiness in this situation?

Image Credit: Arina Krasnikova

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