Tag: Priorities

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 34: I’m William

DBM: Hello William. Please tell me a little about yourself

William: I’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife says I am a joy to be married to.

DBM: Are you?

William: I’d want to believe so. I make my wife feel included, wanted, special, appreciated and loved. She sleeps soundly by my side every evening.

DBM: I’m glad to know

William: I have been following the conversations you’ve been having with the ladies, and I want to say, it’s good they’re being open about their experiences with married men. However, not every married man cheats. I have played by the rules of marriage for 28 years.

DBM: Well done!

William: Thank you! Dave, when you care about someone for who they are, like how I love my wife, everything about them becomes beautiful to you.

DBM: Do you know any married friends who are doing otherwise?

William: A ton, and they tell me they cheat not because they do not love their wives. I doubt cheating has anything to do with love. A lot of these guys take a chance out with other people because they do not want their wives to feel they’re overly being demanding when it comes to their need for sex. A lot of men love sex; I love sex and it can become our weakness. Unfortunately, many wives who know this about their husbands take advantage of the opportunity to deny them, leaving the men depressed.

DBM: Have you ever been denied sex at home?

William: Many times

DBM: And, what did you do?

William: I exercised self-discipline and control over my desires. I made a promise to my wife when I married her, to forsake all others. I respect myself too much to break my vows.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

William: As a kid, I also saw my father disrespect my mother. We found out he had been cheating on her. The damage it did to our self-esteem as children, and the fact that, our dad did not even see this act of utmost selfishness, and his disregard for our need for security and trust – is the reason why I want to encourage men to be more attentive and available to their wives. A man has to be open and honest to his wife; know how your wife feels, so she can understand how you feel.

DBM: And has it always worked for you?

William: No!

DBM: Did your father love your mum?

William: Like many others, I never heard him appreciate my mother for anything she did. My wife is valuable to me because I appreciate her for being a big part of my life, and that of our family; my children know this. And because she means the world to me, I have never allowed any form of temptation to make me act in a way that would put my marriage to her in jeopardy.

DBM: Is the typical man built for monogamy?

William: Every man has the ability to do right by his wife, even when she’s not there to witness your every move. I made a sacred pledge to commit myself to only my wife, because I love her. It’s a conscious choice I made. Many guys have made similar promises, but are choosing to cast aside the feelings of the women they’re supposed to be in love with, for a momentary time of pleasure. Our integrity as men ought to outweigh our socioeconomic status. My word, as a man, should be as good as my bond; because going back on your promise to your wife means losing all of her trust in you. No one in their right senses should put their trust in you, or even do business with you if you can’t be faithful to your wife.

DBM: It’s that much a big deal?

William: It is to me, unfortunately. Marriage is not an easy work; that is why some of us are working really hard to build and maintain the relationship we want to experience with our wives. The 24-hours I have in a day is barely enough for me to be a husband, father and an employee. I cannot add an extra job of maintaining an affair.

DBM: How often do you think about your wife in a day?

William: She’s come to my mind more than four time already today.

DBM: How about sex?

William: How many times have I thought about sex today?

DBM: Yes!

William: It has not flashed my mind.

DBM: Meaning, you’re not having sex tonight?

William: You are the one drawing my attention to it. I probably would

DBM: How old are you?

William: 57

DBM: If you could be 28 or 29 years old again, would you have asked for your wife’s hand in marriage?

William: No!

DBM: Why not?

William: My intimacy needs are not met. She tries to give in to sex just to make me feel happy, but a lot of the time, I see that she’s not really into it. She agrees to it only out of duty. I have more sex drive than her – and it sometimes creates an unspoken tension between us.

DBM: So, sex plays an important role in marriage

William: If my wife could have understood years ago that, meeting my sexual needs was as important as prioritizing her needs and that of our children, maybe I would have been the happiest man in the world.

DBM: Give me an example of a scenario

William: My mother died 15 years ago. The day of the funeral, I wanted to be intimate with my wife before attending the funeral service that morning. She was very close to mum, and so, she was grieving too; I could understand that part, but hey, she was my mother, and I was hurting the most. I needed that perfect moment to be vulnerable, accepted and not judged for wanting to get laid while my mum lied in state. She refused me that opportunity to be comforted by her. I still remember to this day because that was time that I needed to be covered with my wife’s love.

DBM: You don’t feel alone in the marriage, do you?

William: I’m okay, I’m used to all this. My children are becoming everything they wanted to become, my wife smiles a lot and looks happy all the time. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

DBM: Are you happy, as a married man?

William: I am happy as a man. I am happy as a father. I am proud of being a good husband to my wife

DBM: But…?

William: There is no but. Lol!

DBM: You qualified your state of being a man and a father with happiness. You didn’t do same as a husband.

William: I don’t want to put out the impression that marriage is all about sex for the men. But for some of us guys with a high sex drive, we’re our most confident, active and alive when our wives make it a priority to keep our sex lives interesting and working. A woman is more memorable to a man if the sex is good. A woman is more powerful to a man if the sex is great. A woman is more attractive to a man if the sex is awesome. A man is impressed if sex with you is something he cannot easily get out of his mind.

DBM: I’ve spoken to people who genuinely are good at heart, and do care about their partners. Many of them have had affairs, and do know that, sometimes, it’s the wrong thing to do. But then again, they did not truly know it until they did it.

William: From our conversation, you realize a lot has also gone on in my marriage. Everything that has happened between me and my wife, I’ve had a CHOICE in how to respond. An affair is a type of response. It’s a choice.

DBM: What would you say to people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, or even jobs that aren’t so fulfilling, whereby they may love or like whoever they may be dealing with, but deep down they know they deserve better?

William: If the relationship isn’t working, if the marriage does not bring you joy; if the job isn’t fulfilling enough; if your life in the situation isn’t progressing – then maybe you need to consider closing that chapter and moving on from that entanglement. You don’t need to waste any more time trying to make others feel good.

Image Credit: Zen Chung