Tag: Priorities

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 106: My name is Zuri

DBM: Hello Zuri. How would you describe yourself?

Zuri: I know who I am, I know what my priorities are in life; I know what I want and need, I love the woman that I am because I stay true to myself.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuri: Eight, I think

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuri: I grew up with two mothers and my father. This is the story behind their arrangement; my birth mother was the best friend of my father’s wife. Apparently, when the couple were ready to start a family, his wife could not get pregnant. They had tried conventional methods by having frequent sex during her fertile window, etc. Six years passed in their marriage with no cry of a baby. The wife of my dad complained to my mother and she offered to carry his baby for her. I still do not understand the details and nature of their friendship, but I know the three of them have been sharing the same bedroom for as long as I can remember. My mother is not married to my father but they’re one big family. I am the only child of my parents

DBM: How old are you?

Zuri: 27 years

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see all three of your parents enter their bedroom?

Zuri: I used to think all families were like mine because I had never known anything different. But when I first found out most families consisted of just two parents (father and mother), I thought it was abnormal because that wasn’t my experience.

DBM: Abnormal, how?

Zuri: The father-mother only relationship, because I am used to Father, mother and his wife

DBM: How would you describe your dad?

Zuri: He is my first love. He is hardworking, strict, silly sometimes; he’s maintained a safe and open home for all of us; he is very charitable, and I believe his perspective and personality together have contributed to who I am today.

DBM: Describe your birth-mother

Zuri: Mum is persistent and tenacious. She is passionate about other things and people but not about me. She’s in love with my father and will not let anyone walk all over him and get away with it. She is driven, and very intelligent. She will tell you, ‘No’, and mean it but also would deliver when she promises to do something. She can be a hurricane and tornado when provoked. My mother, I’d say is the representation of what bravery and resilience mean. The only person I think she’s allowed to see her vulnerability, is my father. She’s never wanted children, according to my father’s wife… So, I am not surprised she’s not been so much of a mother to me.

DBM: What has she been to you then, if she’s not been a mother-figure?

Zuri: More of a friend or an Aunt

DBM: How would you describe your father’s wife?

Zuri: I hope you have time for this one, because I do not even know where to begin. 😊She’s the mother I never had. She’s also the proof that true love does exist. She’s loved me without questions. She’s loved me with no bounds. She’s loved me without reservations. The love that she’s shown me to be springing from her heart can be trusted, and I find comfort in the truth that, no matter what, her love will remain by my side because it’s meant for just me. Her love for me is absolute, it’s steadfast and certain. She loves me more than she loves my dad.

DBM: Why do you think your birth mother isn’t that much into you?

Zuri: According to my father’s wife, my dad wanted his marriage to be exciting, and didn’t want to lose their sense of fun after having children. She desperately wanted to be a mother, and my birth-mother badly wanted to hang out with my father. When it dawned on my second mother that she was having trouble getting pregnant, she allowed the burden of it to push the fun in their marriage to take the backseat. She realized how much my mother was fond of my dad, and suggested he rather tried having a child with her. The three of them came to a consensus, and it seems to have worked for all parties involved. Everybody has what they want the most.

DBM: Is your father’s wife happy?

Zuri: I make her happy. I’ve also read jealousy in the way she sometimes stares at my mum, when she’s making my dad laugh out loud. My dad gives my mum more attention and hangs out with her a lot. He gives his wife attention but cannot be compared to the time he spends with my mother.

DBM:  What’s your relationship status?

Zuri: I am dating

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Zuri: It’s been two years

DBM: Has your parents’ relationship taught you anything?

Zuri: My father is always happy and looks his best when he’s with my mother. He laughs more. He jokes a lot, and is hardly in a bad mood. He looks good, alive and energetic when he sees my mother, and he’s more giving and kinder towards his wife and me because of whatever my mother does with him in bed. One mistake I don’t want to make is to assume that, having explicit fun with my man isn’t something of importance. From the little I have witnessed at home and my own experience with my boyfriend, life should be about great, exciting times with a man. Most men hate it, and would eventually get bored if we fail to prioritize having crazy fun in our relationships or marriages.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your parents’ union?

Zuri: My dad is always saying both women give him the respect due him. He loves the fact that his wife is an excellent cook and a nurturer/mother to me. She gives him peace and understands his intentions for the family. My mother on the other hand is the vital element connecting all three of them as one. She’s the game changer, the slut, the wife, and the other-woman. She’s also career-driven and supports the home financially. This takes the workload off my dad.

DBM: I see

Zuri: One woman can be all that my mother and my father’s wife are to him

DBM: I agree. But then again, it’s also important to protect your own joy; protect your peace

Zuri: Can you explain?

DBM: I know people who have accommodated all sorts of behaviors in their men, simply because they want to be in a relationship with them. The fear of being alone scares them so much, they are willing to compromise on their values and how they’d want to be treated in a relationship – just to have a man in their lives. I know people who would justify just any bad behavior in their significant other so they’re liked and wanted by them

Zuri: That’s not me

DBM: Good to know! It’s always best not to ignore your needs while in the process of putting that of those you love first.

Zuri: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your boyfriend?

Zuri: Fiercely

DBM: I’m happy for you

Zuri: I am happy for me too

DBM: Do you know what your grandparents, from all three sides, make of your parents’ living arrangement?

Zuri: I know my mother leaves the house whenever any of my dad’s or his wife’s relatives visit the house. They also kept the news of my birth from everyone until I was nine months old. I wasn’t born in Ghana, and we stayed overseas for almost a year, after my birth.

DBM: So, your extended family from your father and his wife’s side think you are the daughter of his wife?

Zuri: Yes

DBM: At what age did they tell you about the truth?

Zuri: When I was 13 years old

DBM: Did you understand it then?

Zuri: I did

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Iury Bessa