Always Say Goodbye
Papa Yaw (PY): Hello David, how are you doing?
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. Doing alright! You?
PY: I’m not bad. Quite overwhelmed. It’s been long
DBM: It’s been a while. Glad to know you’re fine.
PY: I feel like marriage isn’t for me. And I feel bad about it.
DBM: Argh! Not you too?
PY: Are you disappointed?
DBM: Well, I remember you telling me nice things about your wife in the past, no?
PY: Yes
DBM: So, what changed? Why aren’t you cut for it now?
PY: I don’t hold any resentment toward her, though I admit some of her actions have influenced my decision not to pursue marriage again. Ultimately, this is more about self-awareness. I have come to realize that I thrive better on my own than within the bounds of marriage. There are times I simply crave solitude, no distractions, no noise, just the peace to focus on my work to take care of the people in my life. My child, wife and siblings.
DBM: That is understandable. Is this not a conversation to be had and respected? Have you drawn her attention to your need for space?
PY: She doesn’t seem to grasp it, and she’s deeply focused on marriage, believing everything must revolve around it. I’ve tried to help her understand that my feelings have changed despite all our efforts to make things work. My desire now is simply to be alone, not because I am involved with someone else, I’m not. When I met her, I believed she needed guidance and support to grow and elevate herself, and I thought I could play a role in helping her achieve that. I genuinely felt we could have accomplished this without being married. I entered the relationship with compassion and a desire to uplift her and in hindsight, that was my misstep. I created an environment where she could feel secure and cared for, providing everything from our living arrangements to gadgets, money and conveniences that would make life easier. But over time, I realized she wasn’t ready to grow in the way I had hoped. Considering my aspirations and current path, it became clear she couldn’t keep pace. I’ve done everything within my power to support her.
DBM: Let’s go back to the beginning of this: you made a promise. You vowed before GOD and witnesses to have and to hold, from that day forward. For better, for worse. To love and to cherish. What did you mean by that?
PY: Okay David, so when I made that vow, I meant it sincerely in that moment. I believed in the commitment and the promises I was making. But over time, people grow and circumstances change. My intention was never to take that vow lightly or to break it carelessly. I entered the marriage hoping we could grow together, support each other, and elevate each other’s lives. (Though I wasn’t expecting her to do much for me). I gave it my all, creating an environment where she could feel secure and supported. However, I have realized that our paths, aspirations, and readiness to grow are no longer aligned. My commitment to my family and my responsibilities remains, but I have come to understand that my personal well-being and the kind of life I need now require me to be alone. This isn’t about abandoning my vows out of malice, instead, it’s about recognizing reality and being honest with myself and with her.
DBM: So, your vow was merely an ambition? Would it be fair for me to assume that?
PY: No David, it wasn’t merely an ambition. At the time, my vow was genuine and heartfelt. I truly intended to honor it. But life is not static, people grow, circumstances evolve, and sometimes the reality of a relationship reveals truths that were not apparent at the start. My commitment was real, but over time I have realized that our paths and aspirations are no longer aligned. Recognizing that doesn’t diminish the sincerity of my vow, it simply reflects the honest reality I now face. Or what do you think?
DBM: When I made the decision to settle down in marriage, it wasn’t to celebrate a love I thought I had found. I got married to declare a genuine love I had/still have for my partner. It was to promise a love I believed in. We make promises because as committed as we sometimes feel in our best and great days when in love, we may want to leave someday. And because marriage is a whole lot of work, if we are easily moved to abandon our promise when it does not serve our best interest anymore, we prove the vows made weren’t really coming from our best of intentions. It was not a promise to be kept, but rather another formal way to get what we wanted. Question is, what did you really want from your partner?
PY: David, the truth is I wasn’t expecting anything from her in return. My intention was to support her growth and help her elevate herself, to be happier and better than when I first met her. Along the way, I communicated clearly about boundaries and expectations, things like maintaining appropriate distance with family members, respecting personal space, and not sharing everything indiscriminately. Unfortunately, she consistently went against these guidelines, having conversations with one family member and then discussing them with another. While I value family, boundaries are essential, and I needed her to respect that. I also did everything I could to make life easier and provide opportunities for her. I bought appliances i would not buy on a normal day. From advanced washing and drying machine, automatic ironing and folding machines, a dishwasher, and even equipped a shop for her business. I brought in clients from my network, including politicians and classmates from my master’s and doctorate programs, because I genuinely wanted her to succeed. Despite my efforts, her actions repeatedly undermined the environment I tried to create. Over time, I realized that continuing in the marriage no longer made sense for me. It wasn’t a lack of effort or care; it was a recognition of reality and the misalignment between our paths.
DBM: If your wife never changed a thing about herself, would you be happy with her?
PY: I think Yes. I only hoped for growth, for effort, and for a willingness to evolve alongside me. A relationship requires both people to move forward together, without that, it’s difficult to build something meaningful or lasting. I don’t mean to be defensive of my plans. I am here because I want to listen to what you also think, and I don’t mind if it’s the harsh truth.
DBM: If you knew you could get the right help (marriage therapy), would that even matter to you?
PY: David, we have gone through this several times. Our issue has even gotten to one of the most popular men of God in the country. Someone I respect.
DBM: And, in your mode of communication with wifey, do you make the issue about what you want or it’s rather about what is wrong with her?
PY: Truthfully initially, I used to communicate the issue as what is wrong with her. It changed to what I want now. She will go above and beyond to keep the marriage though she’s not happy as well. It’s been a year and 5 months of no intimacy. This is how serious it is. In the early days, I made a mistake and had an affair due to a lack of excitement, but I ended it after a few months and have not been involved with anyone since now over two years and counting.
DBM: I was about to ask who is singing into and riding on the mic now.
PY:
DBM: How is your conflict resolution like at home? In our house, we want our relationship to always win, even in a heated argument or disagreement. It’s not about me winning. It’s not about my partner winning. But rather to come to a resolution where both feel satisfied with the final outcome after the ‘fight’.
PY: Truthfully, we haven’t come up with one. When there is tension, everyone does what they want. No abuse though. I just do my responsibilities.
DBM: I have heard everything you’ve said. And I appreciate you for putting in the effort the best way you know how. Are you willing to continue putting in the effort and intention to grow with your wife, or you feel it would be a waste of your time?
PY: David, I honestly don’t want it anymore. My problem is how to go about it.
DBM: Tell her you want out of the relationship. She knows you have given her and the marriage your best effort. You should feel good about bringing it to an end. Whatever purpose brought you into her life has been fulfilled. She needs to acknowledge that and make this process less stressful.
PY: I will do that David. I will try my best. And thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.
Image Credit: August de Richelieu
