Let’s Talk To Wafaa and Oz
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 143a: Wafaa
Participant 143b: I want to go by Oz
DBM: Hello Wafaa and Oz. How would you describe yourselves?
Wafaa: Not my happy self
Oz: Husband and father
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oz: 5
Wafaa: 3
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Wafaa: I’ve asked my husband for a divorce but he’s not for it. My lawyer says I cannot unilaterally divorce him unless he grants me his consent for the divorce.
DBM: How long have you been married?
Wafaa: We were 10 years in May
DBM: Sir, is this an out of the blue request from your wife?
Oz: No, I sensed it coming
DBM: How long ago?
Oz: About three years
DBM: Why do you want a divorce?
Wafaa: I think we’re both done with each other. Our marriage has been over since 2018. We don’t hate each other. We are actually good friends and will be wonderful co-parents.
DBM: Why don’t you want a divorce?
Oz: I have been suggesting we rather stay separated than divorced, at least, until our children are of age and leave home.
DBM: How many kids do you have?
Wafaa: Two
Oz: 5- and 7-year-olds
DBM: Separation is ideal, no?
Wafaa: Separation will feel like I am still settled in the marriage. I want to be totally single so I can date someone nice. My husband is attracted to me. I don’t want to give him any false hope.
DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?
Oz: Yes
DBM: Do you find your husband attractive?
Wafaa: He’s a fine man by all standards but no, I am not attracted to him in that way anymore
DBM: What kind of relationship are you hoping to pursue after your divorce?
Wafaa: A man I can be passionate about in every other way outside settling
DBM: As in, marriage?
Wafaa: Yes, and the whole living together thing. I want a relationship whereby we can meet up and have fun, and then go to our respective homes.
Oz: You can have that with me – if that’s what you’re looking for?
Wafaa: I am not in love with you anymore
DBM: How did it get to this?
Wafaa: It just happened. 10 years of trying. We’ve done our best.
DBM: What if your best combined is still not enough?
Wafaa: That’s the reason I want a divorce. Enough is enough! Dave, it came to a time at the mere sight of him, I wanted to report to work indefinitely on a weekend. And, I don’t go to work on weekends.
DBM: Was there a specific rough patch that happened in your marriage or there has been a persistent problem not dealt with?
Oz: I know we are cool and relate well. I don’t hate my wife
Wafaa: I don’t hate my husband
DBM: Is there respect in your relationship?
Wafaa: I respect my husband
Oz: I respect her
DBM: Are you able to freely talk about difficult issues in the marriage?
Oz: Yes
Wafaa: We talk about everything
DBM: So, what is making you want out of your marriage?
Wafaa: The love is no more
DBM: And is love alone what you believe can help you stick to your husband?
Wafaa: No
DBM: Prior to 2018, what had been sustaining your marriage?
Wafaa: Self-control, my commitment to him and emotional maturity
DBM: Is your husband the type willing to make an effort at your relationship?
Wafaa: Yes
DBM: How do you understand love?
Wafaa: How do you also understand love?
DBM: Hmmm!
Oz: Dave
DBM: Yeah
Oz: How old are you?
DBM: 38, you?
Oz: 45
DBM: How old is your wife?
Oz: 42
Wafaa: I will be 43 years in September
Oz: Are you in a relationship?
DBM: I am
Oz: For how long?
DBM: Some years now
Wafaa: Why are you asking the young man personal questions?
Oz: I want to know what is making his relationship work. Are you always in love in your relationship?
DBM: No
Oz: What do you do when the love is no more?
DBM: I’ve realized that as a human being, I can fall in love with anyone, and it will take me no real effort to catch such feelings. I cherish what I have with my partner, reason why my relationship isn’t being built on what we feel or felt for each other. It’s taken us more than just love to stay interested in one another. When love is present to you when you need it the most, it’s expedient and saccharine to want to fall on just that.
Oz: Truth
DBM: When my love for my love is no more, it becomes my responsibility to make what we share meaningful to me in other ways. It’s never the responsibility of love to make me fall in love with love. Love is not all about what I feel for someone. You asked what love means to me; love is not about being in a relationship that loves me back. Love is not about being with someone, and then waiting for that magical feeling to happen to me to make things look perfect. It’s work, intentional communication and the both of us putting in the effort.
Wafaa: But I want more. Is it wrong to want more
Oz: ‘More’ meaning?
Wafaa: More than you. More than you can offer me at the moment
DBM: Do think you can find all that ‘more’ in one person?
Wafaa: No
Oz: Yes
DBM: Sir, is your wife the only woman you’ve been with since you married?
Oz: No
Wafaa: No? Who else have you been with?
Oz: It’s all in the past.
Wafaa: No! This is news to me. You’ve been with other women?
Oz: I made bad decisions and learned from them
Wafaa: How many women have you been with?
Oz: Let’s not do this here, please
Wafaa: Oh wow! You’ve been cheating all this while?
Oz: I’m sorry
Wafaa: You’re sorry? Which people did you have the affairs with?
Oz: I don’t want to talk about this here
Wafaa: How long did it last?
Oz: It happened in the past
Wafaa: When?
Oz: It’s past
Wafaa: Where did it take place?
Oz: We’re not doing this here
Wafaa: Did you love them?
Oz: No!
Wafaa: And here I was cherishing the promise of fidelity. Men will stain your white
Oz: I’m sorry it happened but it’s over
Wafaa: I don’t give a fuck
DBM: Committing to one person is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are extremely beautiful and handsome, sexy and intelligent other people out there seeking our attention and grace. Some of us have had to develop ourselves emotionally to be able to stick to/with just the one we believe we can be content with.
Wafaa: I used to think like that too. Anyway, as I said before, I AM DONE
DBM: Participant 142, Uriel, left a question for you: ‘If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?’
Oz: I cheated on my wife
Wafaa: I cannot see myself riding through this wave of mixed feelings with the little confidence left in me. I do not love my husband anymore. I want a divorce
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Wafaa: I’m out of here
Oz: What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Bolarinwa Olasunkanmi
