Tag: Rape

I Wanna Stand Over There

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paisleigh: Dave, it’s February. Can we chat? I’ve been messaging you since September

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Paisleigh: Am fine. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paisleigh: I have a 24-year-old daughter who wants to get married this year. I’ve been a little grumpy about her decision because I know she’s not ready for what she’s about to jump into. I’ve not been able to congratulate or be happy for her because I am against her decision to marry so young. And because of that she wants me to introduce her to her father’s family. I raised my baby girl as a single parent. Her father has not been a part of our lives since I got pregnant with her. He does not even know I got pregnant with his child.

DBM: Is her father alive?

Paisleigh: Yes

DBM: Do you want to introduce her to him?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: Why not?

Paisleigh: She came about as a result of rape.

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Paisleigh: I have tried to keep the conversation about her dad out of our talks because she may end up eventually hating him.

DBM: Or, forgiving him. People change, you know?

Paisleigh: Yes.

DBM: Do you want her to know him?

Paisleigh: No. I do not trust him.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing what actually happened between you two, prior to the assault?

Paisleigh: I was questioning my identity at a very young age. 14, maybe 15 years old. Even at that age, I knew I couldn’t see myself pursuing a relationship with a boy even if I liked one. Boys had had crushes on me but I couldn’t crush on any of them that I liked as friends. Rather, I found our class prefect Mina attractive. I also liked Akua Forson, and Maame Serwaa. Dave, these are real people I schooled with and are now doing so well in life. It was a struggle to express my feelings openly, so I had to repress it somehow. I can’t remember what really happened but something happened for me to be enrolled in a camp retreat for 9 days during one of our school vacations. There were a lot of teenagers at the camp. One of the leaders or organizers of the camp who registered me upon my arrival was talking to my mother, and I don’t know what discussions they had had till date; but he showed special interest in my spiritual growth at the retreat. He seemed harmless and his tactics were insidious. He forced himself into becoming my spiritual mentor and ended up assaulting me sexually a day before the retreat ended. He also told me my mother had informed him about my interest in girls and he felt I was truly broken on the inside, that he had to teach me what it felt like to have interests in boys.

DBM: Did you report him to your mother or any of the leadership at the camp?

Paisleigh: No. I was disappointed and mad at myself. And I believed him when he said I was a broken piece. I was also mad at my mother for setting me up to this.

DBM: Predators pick on children they know are the least likely to tell on them.

Paisleigh: You’re right. I was the shy girl, very quiet and secretive. My mother trusted and was depending on him because he was the Christian adult at the retreat.

DBM: How old do you think he was?

Paisleigh: Not sure. 29 or in his early 30’s. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my parents were insisting to know who was responsible. I was beaten by my mom and threatened by my dad but I kept his name to myself.

DBM: Your mother was not able to watch for signs you directly or indirectly showed at home after the camp?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: That is rather unfortunate. They were wrong for what they did to you. As a parent, beating an already severely traumatized child is really some next level shit.

Paisleigh: I know but I also blame myself. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to what I felt for girls.

DBM: I do not believe any girl or boy should be conditioned to our culture’s misogynistic and heteronormative attitude of always encouraging people to place their value on their capability to just being straight with their desires. It’s not every boy that is attracted to a girl. It’s not every girl that is attracted to a boy. Some boys desire boys. Some girls find girls attractive.

Paisleigh: Hmmm

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your daughter.

Paisleigh: Yes. My biggest fear is that she would gravitate more to her father’s love and acceptance of her and may no longer need me.

DBM: What makes you think that?

Paisleigh: The man is doing very well for himself. He is a big shot preacher with a big church and following in Accra. He has a beautiful family and my daughter may be drawn to the glitter.

DBM: As parents, we are indirectly expected to model to our children how to approach life and relationships. We are to teach them how to express and receive love; teach them how to process feelings of all sorts and how best they can handle disagreements. Do you think you have modeled that for her these past 24 years?

Paisleigh: I have tried. Yes

DBM: Good! It’s her father’s turn to shape and color the lens through which she’s going to see and make meaning of life. She’s deserving of that relationship with him.

Paisleigh: Without her knowing the genesis of her birth?

DBM: That is solely to your discretion but I would have told her about the camp-retreat story, and what he did to me. That is the context she needs right now to shape her conscious and unconscious perceptions about what she’s seeking in a father.

Paisleigh: Ok

DBM: I hope your daughter knows how phenomenal a mother you have been to her

Paisleigh: Hmmm

Image Credit: Tubarones Photography

Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gyan: I never knew who my father was. I never met him. I wish I knew what he looked like. My mother had no proof of his existence, not even pictures. The name representing my father on my birth certificate is my mother’s closest friend. My mom died of cancer last year. She was a nurse.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m sorry to hear that. How old was mum?

Gyan: In her 50’s. She had me when she was 17

DBM: Oh! That young?

Gyan: She was raped by my father.

DBM: I see

Gyan: Before my mom passed she told me the full story behind my birth. It was my first time hearing the story. I resent my mother for keeping this information from me. Also, the fact that I am a by-product of rape hurts me.

DBM: You are a by-product of GOD’s ultimate design. Your DNA, all else there is to you: strengths, weaknesses, capabilities etc. all play a huge part in His plan for you. You are not who you are today by accident. You have always been in GOD’s care, even before your conception.

Gyan: I don’t believe in these motivational quotes anymore, sorry.

DBM: That’s also understandable. What was the story your mother told you?

Gyan: When she was 16, she had to study for an exam. One of the science teachers at her school was National Service personnel. He lived in the same compound house she and her mother lived. He had been posted there for a year. Mom said she wasn’t feeling well one afternoon and had to skip school. She had finished eating, gone to take a cold bath and fallen asleep in her room. She woke up a few hours later to him having sex with her. She said she begged him to stop but he had her hands pinned above her head. She couldn’t tell anyone because she felt no one would believe her. Also, the guy was calm, and liked by many in the compound and neighborhood. Very charismatic. My mother says the incident happened just once and was pregnant after a month. She didn’t know she was pregnant.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate.

Gyan: But Dave, would you classify this as rape? Because my mother also said they were very close friends, aside him being her teacher.

DBM: How close?

Gyan: Flirtatiously close. She said they had kissed before and even attempted to have sex but didn’t.

DBM: Per the account you just gave, he raped her. She did not consent to sex when she woke up and found him on top of her, did she?

Gyan: No.

DBM: Why don’t you see it as rape?

Gyan: Because I do it sometimes to my wife when she’s intentionally denying me sex. She knows I love sex and would punish me occasionally by denying me when we have a misunderstanding. I get up at dawn and have my way with her by force. She gets cold mad and insults me but we end up having consensual sex after a few days, and things would be back to normal.

DBM: Does your wife ask you to stop when you’re forcing yourself on her?

Gyan: Yes, she tries to push me away but she knows I get a bit carried away when she treats me like that.

DBM: You’re repeating your father’s exact insolence. You value your power over your wife more than her comfort and autonomy. Your father did not respect your mother for doing what he did to her. You do not respect your wife enough as a person.

Gyan: I love my wife

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Gyan: I do.

DBM: I see. What you sometimes do to your wife is slowly shattering her confidence. Is she a happy woman?

Gyan: I do the best I can to make her happy.

DBM: You need to ask her if she’s happily married to you. A lot of women are living a quiet life of suffering, enduring so much in their marriages till they can’t wait to break free. And they always break free at last.

Gyan: Ok.

DBM: What inspired your mother to become a nurse?

Gyan: Well, her primary goal wasn’t to provide care for patients in their most vulnerable state. A sense of drive was to someday be working in the same hospital my father would seek treatment for an illness, so she could attend to him and pay him back, which she finally did.

DBM: What do you mean by that?

Gyan: My mother kept transferring to different hospitals or clinics, and I had to do a lot of moving around with her. At first, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit still but before she died, she told me we were moving around to different locations because she had been tracking my father for more than 30 years. Everywhere we moved to meant my father lived in that city or region. He fell sick and was unfortunately admitted to the hospital my mom was placed. She found out he was on admission and sneaked her way in his ward to give him the wrong injection. He mysteriously was pronounced dead one dawn.

DBM: Your mother went too far. This is not right!

Gyan: That is the baggage of information she had to confess to before passing on.

DBM: I can only imagine the weight of it on you.

Gyan: Do you still believe God created me into all this mess for a reason?

DBM: GOD knew about you then. GOD certainly still knows about you now. And you know the best part?

Gyan: What?

DBM: GOD will know all there is to you in the future. I only hope you wouldn’t allow your emotions to be constantly dictating your actions. Real men do not excuse their bad behavior because their emotions got a little triggered. If you continue to justify how you choose to sometimes treat your wife unfairly, she will lose trust in you. And when a woman decides not to trust you again, she will seek her own liberation from your control. She would want to regain her life, her dignity, and her power, so she can pursue what is really deserving of her.

Gyan: This was a good chat. Let’s do it again another time.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Yumna

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 122: My name is Yumna

DBM: Hello Yumna. How would you describe yourself?

Yumna: I’m a survivor

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yumna: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Yumna: When I was 15 years, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. We were staying in the Pretoria Moot area. It’s a neighborhood supposed to be having a strong sense of community, yet get raped as a young girl and see who would jump to your defense or be a safe space to turn for help. I couldn’t speak out against my perpetrator; no one would have believed me, not even my mother. The perception of me out there wasn’t great, simply because I loved to dress and look pretty. Dave, I feel more comfortable wearing short skirts than wearing any other kind/type of shorts or trousers. I was able to move around freely, especially in crowded places. That was my crime 17 years ago, because I decided to wear a mini-skirt and a cropped top to go partying with my friends. My biggest fear was getting shunned and blamed for something I did not do, and that’s what he would have done – telling my mother I tried seducing him. Because he was loved in the community, and respected by my mum. I was conditioned and threatened to keep quiet about it. And so, I did. Long story short, he married my mother and got away with it.

DBM: Who else knows about what he did to you?

Yumna: It’s not a story I could easily come forward to share, partly due to the shame attached to it. I ended up blaming myself even though I knew I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me.

DBM: This must have been really tough for you!

Yumna: David, time did not in any way heal this wound. Rape is an unfortunate experience that no lady can just pretend to live through. I had to go through it, the trauma, the fear and shock, the disappointment and hurt; all those feelings of failing myself – I had to feel them. It burdened me until the feelings kind of, run out eventually. That was my only way out of driving myself crazy.

DBM: I’m so sorry this happened

Yumna: It’s past. I just want to share how far I have come since that incident, to encourage any girl feeling like a failure.

DBM: How far have you come?

Yumna: I’m a Registered Nurse working in the Cardiac ICU at the Lenmed Ethekwini Hospital and Heart Centre, located in Durban, South Africa.

DBM: Oh, nice!

Yumna: And, I’m very proud of myself

DBM: You should be.

Yumna: I run away from home, four or five days after the incident. I didn’t feel safe in my mother’s house because he had moved in to stay with us. He had his own house, but after what he did, I don’t know the discussions he had with my mum, they decided to rent his place out so it could serve as another source of income for the home. When I realized he would be sleeping over at mum’s, I run and never looked back.

DBM: Run to where?

Yumna: I had money saved, so I went to one of my father’s sisters at Sebokeng. My mother didn’t like this particular aunt, and so I knew her home would be the last place my mum would come searching for me. After narrating my ordeal to her, she promised not to call either of my parents. I was enrolled into a new academic programme at a different school.

DBM: How was life in general for you at Sebokeng?

Yumna: It was a different kind of nightmare. My aunt was a sex worker, and though it wasn’t a job she was proud of, it was the means through which food was put on my plate. She made sure I was devoid of any real exposure to the inner workings of her profession. And she reminded me to do better than her in life, so I can be sending her money when I grew up.

DBM: Where is she now?

Yumna: She died when I turned 29

DBM: Did she have a family of her own?

Yumna: I was her only family. She never married nor had children. She was of the opinion that marriage would restrict her freedom to be.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your mother now?

Yumna: There is no relationship

DBM: And your dad?

Yumna: We’re very cool

DBM: He knew about your whereabouts when you left your mum’s?

Yumna: No. They all got to see me for the first time in a long time at my aunt’s funeral.

DBM: Do you miss your aunt?

Yumna: She was the mother I never had. She did not have an easy life. Her reputation may have stunk in the community, but she was humble and very generous. Most of those who talked bad about her did not know about her graciousness and kindness. She worked long hours just to pay for my education. Though her line of work may not be what I’d ordinarily subscribe to, she used her services to find me opportunities. Some of her clients were directors and managers of scholarship trusts. She traded what she could offer for scholarships to enable me through my education. She serviced the right clients for my breakthroughs. I studied hard to maintain every opportunity she brought my way. And interestingly, none of her clients made advances at me – to return the favor.

DBM: Were you able to make it up to her?

Yumna: I did. She moved in with me till her death. She died of HIV.

DBM: How do you feel about everything that has happened to you thus far?

Yumna: My life so far has been a journey. It has not been easy for me but everything I have gone through has contributed to where I am today. I will smile in spite of all the odds I am bound to experience on this new path I’m on. I see my life today to be good because I’ve been striving to live consciously with each day’s challenges. My aunt may have been a prostitute but she had something special to give me. Whoever comes your way has something to offer you – that is, if you’re open to receiving it. I’m living through life, loving and learning from it.

Image Credit: Laura James

Let’s Talk To Madina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 37: Madina

DBM: Hello Madina. Please tell me a little about yourself

Madina: You’re looking at a strong-willed, opinionated and articulate 45-year woman who still feels traumatized about her periods, but is a valuable member of society.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Madina: I think a lot of our ladies are not self-aware, thus, they’re not able to learn about who they are, what they want, and what they deserve.

DBM: Why do you think that is so?

Madina: They’ve probably forgotten they’ve got only one life to live on this earth. A woman right now is allowing someone to make her feel inadequate. A woman is allowing someone right now to bring down her mood and cause her so much pain, stress and discomfort. A woman is right now allowing someone to dish out to her their definition of the kind of attention, care and love they think she deserves. A woman at this very moment doesn’t know she deserves better.

DBM: To each their own, no?

Madina: That’s rubbish! When she can go out of her own way to make herself feel important? When she can take back control of her own happiness? When a situation she finds herself in isn’t right for her? When the thought of something she’s found herself in quickly takes away her smile? When the environment she’s finding herself in doesn’t add any true value to her self-worth? Why is she even with that person who doesn’t make her feel beautiful, loved, alive, happy and needed?

DBM: Some women genuinely, feel stuck

Madina: David, when I have a sore on my leg, I treat it. Someway, somehow, those wounds ought to close and heal for me to find my feet. It’s a decision I have to make for myself, and by myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Madina: So long as she knows she’s not of herself, she still has a chance to change her circumstances.

DBM: But it’s not that simple, is it?

Madina: I’d rather find my inner strength than to remain hopeless. A lot of women can’t access their freedom because they feel they’re in chains. Being free from an unfortunate circumstance is within a woman’s control, and we have the hope to change our predicaments.

DBM: What is your story?

Madina: I was afraid of being myself when I used to be married to my husband, and it took me almost nine years in the marriage before I finally had to stand up for myself.

DBM: How long were you married?

Madina: 10 years

DBM: Kids?

Madina: We have a daughter together.

DBM: How do you feel now, after the divorce?

Madina: I own my voice, and have stepped into my own power. I feel happy to be alive to witness this for myself.

DBM: Are you single?

Madina: I am in my second marriage

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Madina: We’re clocking the fourth year in September, 2023.

DBM: How does the present feel like, compared to the past?

Madina: The person I am is the person my husband is married to, and he does not criticize me for who I am. My marriage means everything to me, so is who I am.

DBM: Why were you afraid of being yourself in your first marriage?

Madina: I was afraid of being a single mother and alone; he threatened me with divorce and I didn’t want to be divorced. My ex-husband is a catch, and I felt I wasn’t going to meet a nice man like him anywhere; he made me believe all men were the same, and that, I had to take what I had been given and just work around it. I was also in love with him, and I think I had on my rose-colored sunglasses when it came to his lies, affairs, abuse, disrespect, vindictiveness and betrayal.

DBM: That was what you had been given?

Madina: Yes, and more. He paid two guys to come and rape me at home.

DBM: Are you alleging?

Madina: The men came to the house around 2 AM. I was not fully asleep because I was experiencing panic attacks; and he wasn’t home. We had just two keys to the main door; he kept a copy, and I had mine. And because he was used to coming to the house late, I locked up after him and took my key out – so he could unlock whenever he got home. I heard them unlock the door, and I assumed it was him. They did not steal anything from the house; they did not touch or go to our daughter’s room. They walked straight to our bedroom, raped me in turns, and left.

DBM: Again, how could your husband have been involved in all this?

Madina: They left our bedroom and went out, locking the main door. I was trying to identify any of them by face, and so I went to the living room; feeling traumatized, yet watching their every move outside the corridor – through the window. I heard the taller guy ask in Ga, ‘where did he say we should hide the key?’. They placed it under a stone, next to the flower pot. My husband came home two hours later, and picked the key from under the stone next to the flower pot.

DBM: Oh, my goodness! So, what did you do?

Madina: I had to go to a safe place

DBM: Where?

Madina: To a neighbor’s house, for them to take me to the nearest hospital. I told them I was feeling sick. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come home first, because our daughter was in her room, sleeping. I had to also see where he was going to pick his copy of the key from.

DBM: Why do you think he would do this to you?

Madina: To punish me; to silence me; to submit me to his authority; to keep me in fear and in bondage; to break me and take away my pride.

DBM: Did you get him arrested?

Madina: No!

DBM: But he got punished for it, no?

Madina: I filed for divorce.

DBM: That was that?

Madina: That was that! I did not tell him, and he didn’t bother to find out

DBM: You know you can still report him if you want him to be held criminally liable?

Madina: I don’t want to report him

DBM: Why not?

Madina: He’s the father of my daughter. And my daughter has no idea of what happened.

DBM: Have you sought for support and counseling – at least, for yourself, to deal with the trauma the assault might have caused?

Madina: Yes! I got professional help.

DBM: Have you told anyone you trust about the ordeal? I mean, aside the professional assistance

Madina: No! Anyways, I am no longer the type of woman who would loosely take what people do or say and just accept it.

DBM: That’s good to know

Madina: That’s why I am encouraging women to be clear about what they want, and stick to just that. They have to choose what they deserve, be aware of their own thoughts and actions. Women have to stand by their decisions and express their truths to the people who matter most to them without any sense of fear.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko 

 

BROKEN BUT UNDETERRED

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

When I was 12 years my parents took me to a place. It was supposed to be a prayer camp but I found out later we weren’t going on a spiritual retreat. The host and his wife welcomed us and gave my parents water. I was given a drink. That was the last thing I remember when I woke up at dawn. Dave, I didn’t know how or when I fell asleep. My parents weren’t in the room I found myself in. It was so dark all around me. I started screaming and crying and calling my parents when I realized the door was locked. No one was there. Minutes later, someone turned on a light outside the room. I saw a shadow and his familiar voice. It was the host. He asked me to keep quiet. He wouldn’t tell me about where my parents had gone. They fed me, gave me water to drink and bath. I was bathing in the presence of two men. I was accompanied by two men whenever I needed to use the toilet. That was my routine for three years. My parents didn’t visit me. My brother and sisters didn’t know where I had been taken to.

At age 15, the host forced himself on me. He raped me three different times. He explained that I needed to know what I could be missing if I continued in my sinful ways. Dave, I am a lesbian and I knew at an early age that I was different. I liked pictures of girls in magazines. Maybe I left so many clues for my mom to catch up because I received beatings anytime I was close to girls. I wasn’t allowed to play with my friends who were girls in the neighborhood till I was sent to that camp. What my parents didn’t know was that when I turned 15, the host made me strip naked at dawn for his intercession visits. I learnt how to kneel before a man at 15. I learnt how to suck a man’s dick at 15. I lost my virginity to an older man at 15. I learnt how to survive at 15. My dad came for me three weeks after my 15th birthday. I have not told my parents about what went down when they left me with their spiritual father.

I am 26 years old now and my mom is fixing me with her friend’s son in marriage. She gave my number to him without telling me. He lives and works in Canada. I know the guy. He’s cool and doing very well for himself. But I like girls. He is in Ghana for 5 months and he wants to return to Canada with his wife, me. Do I tell him the truth so he backs off? Everybody is telling me he’s the right man for me. I unsubscribe to the idea that people who refuse to listen to and respect me, people who have never met or known me can tell me who I am or what I should be.

Image Credit: Kritsada Seekham

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