Let’s Talk To Madina

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 37: Madina

DBM: Hello Madina. Please tell me a little about yourself

Madina: You’re looking at a strong-willed, opinionated and articulate 45-year woman who still feels traumatized about her periods, but is a valuable member of society.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Madina: I think a lot of our ladies are not self-aware, thus, they’re not able to learn about who they are, what they want, and what they deserve.

DBM: Why do you think that is so?

Madina: They’ve probably forgotten they’ve got only one life to live on this earth. A woman right now is allowing someone to make her feel inadequate. A woman is allowing someone right now to bring down her mood and cause her so much pain, stress and discomfort. A woman is right now allowing someone to dish out to her their definition of the kind of attention, care and love they think she deserves. A woman at this very moment doesn’t know she deserves better.

DBM: To each their own, no?

Madina: That’s rubbish! When she can go out of her own way to make herself feel important? When she can take back control of her own happiness? When a situation she finds herself in isn’t right for her? When the thought of something she’s found herself in quickly takes away her smile? When the environment she’s finding herself in doesn’t add any true value to her self-worth? Why is she even with that person who doesn’t make her feel beautiful, loved, alive, happy and needed?

DBM: Some women genuinely, feel stuck

Madina: David, when I have a sore on my leg, I treat it. Someway, somehow, those wounds ought to close and heal for me to find my feet. It’s a decision I have to make for myself, and by myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Madina: So long as she knows she’s not of herself, she still has a chance to change her circumstances.

DBM: But it’s not that simple, is it?

Madina: I’d rather find my inner strength than to remain hopeless. A lot of women can’t access their freedom because they feel they’re in chains. Being free from an unfortunate circumstance is within a woman’s control, and we have the hope to change our predicaments.

DBM: What is your story?

Madina: I was afraid of being myself when I used to be married to my husband, and it took me almost nine years in the marriage before I finally had to stand up for myself.

DBM: How long were you married?

Madina: 10 years

DBM: Kids?

Madina: We have a daughter together.

DBM: How do you feel now, after the divorce?

Madina: I own my voice, and have stepped into my own power. I feel happy to be alive to witness this for myself.

DBM: Are you single?

Madina: I am in my second marriage

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Madina: We’re clocking the fourth year in September, 2023.

DBM: How does the present feel like, compared to the past?

Madina: The person I am is the person my husband is married to, and he does not criticize me for who I am. My marriage means everything to me, so is who I am.

DBM: Why were you afraid of being yourself in your first marriage?

Madina: I was afraid of being a single mother and alone; he threatened me with divorce and I didn’t want to be divorced. My ex-husband is a catch, and I felt I wasn’t going to meet a nice man like him anywhere; he made me believe all men were the same, and that, I had to take what I had been given and just work around it. I was also in love with him, and I think I had on my rose-colored sunglasses when it came to his lies, affairs, abuse, disrespect, vindictiveness and betrayal.

DBM: That was what you had been given?

Madina: Yes, and more. He paid two guys to come and rape me at home.

DBM: Are you alleging?

Madina: The men came to the house around 2 AM. I was not fully asleep because I was experiencing panic attacks; and he wasn’t home. We had just two keys to the main door; he kept a copy, and I had mine. And because he was used to coming to the house late, I locked up after him and took my key out – so he could unlock whenever he got home. I heard them unlock the door, and I assumed it was him. They did not steal anything from the house; they did not touch or go to our daughter’s room. They walked straight to our bedroom, raped me in turns, and left.

DBM: Again, how could your husband have been involved in all this?

Madina: They left our bedroom and went out, locking the main door. I was trying to identify any of them by face, and so I went to the living room; feeling traumatized, yet watching their every move outside the corridor – through the window. I heard the taller guy ask in Ga, ‘where did he say we should hide the key?’. They placed it under a stone, next to the flower pot. My husband came home two hours later, and picked the key from under the stone next to the flower pot.

DBM: Oh, my goodness! So, what did you do?

Madina: I had to go to a safe place

DBM: Where?

Madina: To a neighbor’s house, for them to take me to the nearest hospital. I told them I was feeling sick. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come home first, because our daughter was in her room, sleeping. I had to also see where he was going to pick his copy of the key from.

DBM: Why do you think he would do this to you?

Madina: To punish me; to silence me; to submit me to his authority; to keep me in fear and in bondage; to break me and take away my pride.

DBM: Did you get him arrested?

Madina: No!

DBM: But he got punished for it, no?

Madina: I filed for divorce.

DBM: That was that?

Madina: That was that! I did not tell him, and he didn’t bother to find out

DBM: You know you can still report him if you want him to be held criminally liable?

Madina: I don’t want to report him

DBM: Why not?

Madina: He’s the father of my daughter. And my daughter has no idea of what happened.

DBM: Have you sought for support and counseling – at least, for yourself, to deal with the trauma the assault might have caused?

Madina: Yes! I got professional help.

DBM: Have you told anyone you trust about the ordeal? I mean, aside the professional assistance

Madina: No! Anyways, I am no longer the type of woman who would loosely take what people do or say and just accept it.

DBM: That’s good to know

Madina: That’s why I am encouraging women to be clear about what they want, and stick to just that. They have to choose what they deserve, be aware of their own thoughts and actions. Women have to stand by their decisions and express their truths to the people who matter most to them without any sense of fear.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko