Tag: Respect

Once In A Lifetime

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Thom: Marriage is not an easy decision to commit yourself exclusively to, David, but I have been happily married to a woman I am not ashamed to be upset, insecure, temperamental, win, fail, be scared, happy, unsure, certain or honest with when I am in her presence. My wife agreed to marry me 34 years ago and thankfully, our connection has been developing naturally and is never forced at any point. I am always slowing down. That has been the key to my successful marriage. My walk with my wife since embarking on this journey, three decades ago has been at a slow pace, one day at a time to draw our attention to the fact that, we’re at least moving, even if not as fast. My marriage is not for show. I don’t need to convince people that I am happy with my wife. Who cares, if you’re not living under our roof 24/7 to be a witness to it?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You’re speaking my language Sir.

Thom: Dave, for 34 years my wife and I have built trust. We have in our snail pace also tested the frequency and intensity of our intimacy. I saw my father love my mother slowly but surely for 49 years and that has been my motivation since I became an adult. I want to be a good lover and I want my wife to enjoy sex with me. And because I want my wife to be satisfied in bed at all times, I am not in a hurry to rush the process. My wife knows she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I remind her of that every day. My father was constantly affirming my mother’s beauty even though our neighbour’s wife was way prettier than my mom. What am I trying to say? Because I am choosing to make my wife my world’s most beautiful woman ever, I have not had the time to be interested in making another woman’s beauty the center of my attention or attraction. One advise my father gave to me on our wedding day was to appreciate my wife and care about what is important to her. What is important to my wife is synonymously linked to her feelings. Caring about what is important to her is to care about her feelings. That is why for 34 years, our marriage hasn’t been a struggle. I do not dismiss or ignore my wife’s needs and feelings. I honor them. I keep her safe. Emotionally she’s safe with me. Physically, she’s safe with me. Financially, she knows I’ve got her and the family we have built together covered.

DBM: This is a healthy conversation. I am smiling and willing to learn.

Thom: I smiled and learned from my dad, what it takes to be a good husband. Dave, I lost my job and was unemployed for almost six years. Guess who stood in the gab to return a favor to keep me safe emotionally, physically and financially?

DBM: Your wife

Thom: Yes. A wife will prioritize your well-being above all else if you prioritize hers above everything else. She has loved me for who I am and it has not been about what I have done for her, because I love her for who she is to me. She knows she matters to me, that is why I can be comfortable with the idea of helping my wife at home. I help with chores. I helped with the children aside taking on the financial responsibility of their wellbeing. Because my wife didn’t feel burdened at home after work, she had the interest to initiate sex from time to time. Dave, I love sex, so when I see my wife initiating intimacy with me, boy oh boy, it means the world to me.

DBM: How relevant is sex to a man?

Thom: The question should be, how relevant is sex in a marriage. Marriage is made up of the two people involved, and not just one man’s sexual drive. My wife has needs too, that’s why I am intentional on doing things to take the stress off her, so she can have space to tap into her need for intimacy. She needs to trust me to enjoy sex with me. We have built a healthy sex life with one experience after the other. And I prove myself to my wife every day, in the smallest ways.

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves you this much?

Thom: I’ve asked her this question before. She told me she loves me because I make her feel like she’s a part of our marriage as a team. She doesn’t feel dominated or controlled. We talk about important things together as equals. We make plans for our family together. We lead our family with love and respect. She knows she’s not doing this marriage thing alone. I feel I am not alone in the marriage too. I understand my wife’s needs.

DBM: Can we ever know a person we’re in love with that well?

Thom: My answer would be no, based on my own experience with my wife. After all these years, there are still some things I haven’t learned about her, even though I can confidently say I know almost every little detail about her.

DBM: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

Thom: I know what is enough in my marriage. I have a deep-rooted admiration for my wife and wife alone. She has a genuine admiration for me too. Love is not what is sustaining my marriage. God is. Prayer together with my wife is what is sustaining my marriage. Friendship with my wife is sustaining our marriage. Because the love we have for each other comes alive every day, it evolves with the changing times. What it used to be isn’t always going to be what it is today. What it wasn’t yesterday could be what it should become for us today. Our love evolves with time. I don’t always make my wife happy; she doesn’t always make me want to fall in love with her but I am committed to her all the way. I have never lost respect for the woman she is. She has so much respect for me too. That is why I don’t want to do anything to lose her respect because I might never get it back.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not cheated on her?

Thom: I have not and do not have any intentions to lose the respect my wife has for me.

DBM: Respect

Thom: It’s everything gold. When your choices are not judged by your spouse, you know how much they respect you. When your independence isn’t encroached by a spouse, you know they respect you. That is why I respect myself enough not to mess things up. Also, my wife and I talk about everything. I used to hear my parents discussing everything. It felt like there were no secrets between them. There are no secrets in our marriage.

DBM: Well, secrets have a way of dividing two people. I concur.

Thom: If something is bothering any of us, we say it as it. We don’t find sarcastic ways to mock or troll each other to make a point. I married Aku because I knew she was good enough for me. And if something is good enough, you don’t want to change it because you think you have changed. I could not have been one hundred percent sure of the woman I was marrying, 34 years ago. Of course, I knew who she was that fateful day at the altar, but I couldn’t have known who she was going to grow to become in 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years’ time. That is why I had to psyche myself to prepare for the unexpected in the land of the unknown. I had to be willing to find admiration for my wife, regardless of … You get the point, Dave?

DBM: I do.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Let’s Talk To Sono

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 146: Sono

DBM: Hi Sono. How would you describe yourself?

Sono: A gentle giant with a heart and conscience

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sono: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sono: My entire life has been shaped because of a choice I made. I married a woman who had strong financial values and goals. She was just a secretary when we first met; a secretary who sold ice cream, ice water and fruits as a side job. She baked meat pie and would supply a basic school next to her house before going to work. Barely a year of knowing her, I had rivetted to her habits. We had become teammates with similar values and goals on our finances. My father was reckless with money, and so I grew up seeing my mother always burdened, muffled and irritated. Unfortunately for me, I was almost ending up like my father until I met my wife.

DBM: How old were you when you met your wife?

Sono: 32

DBM: How old was she?

Sono: 25

DBM: How long have you been married?

Sono: 28 years this year

DBM: I see. Congratulations!

Sono: Thank you

DBM: How does your wife think in general?

Sono: Let me tell you the first question she asked me when I expressed interest in her, ‘What did your father teach you about money?’

DBM: For real?

Sono: Yes

DBM: What was your response?

Sono: The truth. I told her I had similar traits and she was like, ‘How much in debt do you owe?’

DBM: Lol!

Sono: She made me understand she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a man with bad financial habits.

DBM: Hmmm! I kind of side with her

Sono: Why?

DBM: That is a woman who knows she deserve a good man. If you want a good woman, you ought to become the type of guy deserving of that good you seek in her. I wouldn’t be comfortable dating a partner who would come into my life to only compound my existing problems.

Sono: That was her attitude towards me

DBM: I like her. She’s good in Math?

Sono: No! My wife always says her financial goals are more behavioral and emotional than anything mathematics related.

DBM: I see

Sono: I’m teaching our sons how to save, budget and spend with caution

DBM: Why is that important?

Sono: As a man, you need to understand how these things work. Unfortunately, many guys with families are spending their entire lives working for money. Ask yourself, how many of these guys are getting ahead in life – even after the hustle?

DBM: Hmmm!

Sono: Thanks to my wife’s insistence, I know how to not worry about money

DBM: 28 years in marriage; rate your experience thus far

Sono: It’s been a journey I’ll choose to take all over again, in a heartbeat. I will choose my wife any day. It’s not been easy; we’ve had our share of problems but we’ve never talked bad about each other to a third party. I have friends who are always complaining in the negative about their spouses, and I realized anytime they did that, it indirectly minimized their spouse’ integrity to some extent in our eyes. That is not a state I would ever want to put the mother of my children. And as my wife would always say, it takes away from the one telling us stories about their spouse’s own character.

DBM: Indeed! How do you deal with disagreements?

Sono: We know we cannot always get along, so whenever there is a heated argument between us, we remind ourselves first, that because we fight doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. We address issues for what they are without blaming the other. I can’t even remember the last time we fought, that we ended up impugning the other’s character or flaws.

DBM: Do you believe love is worth pursuing?

Sono: Love is a good thing, in as much as the people doing the loving are the ones sometimes making relationships complicated. For me, I know what I like about my wife and what I like in my wife. She says I am the right man for her, and I believe she is the right woman for me. There is nothing to this effect. Even when I am mad at her, I know I am angry because I love her so much. I can’t explain what I mean by that but it is what it is. Even with our 28 years history, I cannot confidently say that I know our marriage will survive the long haul. There is no real issue hindering the success of our marriage. In fact, everything is close to perfect with our relationship but I’m still unable to know whether or not things will work out for our good. I don’t know if I will continue loving and choosing her forever, even though at the back of my head, I know I would. I cannot tell whether or not she is pleased with me as her husband. And, it’s okay. That is how love is supposed to be. I am not supposed to see through its fine lines. All I know is, my solid marriage has the capability of falling apart, and it’s my duty to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening to me. I am not comfortable with my happy situation; I’ve not become complacent whatsoever. I’m still putting in the work to achieve the ‘Till death do us part’ bit in my vow to her.

DBM: Is she approaching her marriage to you through this same lens?

Sono: Yes

DBM: Has one woman been enough for you?

Sono: My wife is the only woman I have known in every way since we married. One woman can make you feel alive if you allow her room to grow on you the way you desire to be loved. One woman is enough. We’re just a bunch of selfish, greedy and inconsiderate people coming up with all sorts of excuses to not be trustworthy. I would rather argue with my wife than sleep with another woman.

DBM: Participant 145, July, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?’

Sono: I read her question, and I remember smiling to myself. The nature of my relationship with my wife is such that, we are open and very honest about everything. When I find another woman attractive, she’s the first woman I tell. She’s found many guys attractive; two of my friends have flirted with her and I was the first to be told. We respect our commitment to the extent that, if we tell each other about something, anything, we don’t react poorly towards one other. Liking or finding other people attractive has never been an off-limits conversation to be had in our home. It’s not even about the friendship I’ve built with my wife. We have been able to do 28 years together because we are transparent with information and do not create a reason to doubt the other’s intention.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Sono: This is my question to one after me, what do you know or heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?

DBM: Really? Lol!

Sono: This is where you say, Thank you! 😁

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Atticus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 117: Atticus

DBM: Hi Atticus. How would you describe yourself?

Atticus: A man of choice

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atticus: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atticus: Sif

DBM: What does it mean?

Atticus: Sif is the name of my wife.

DBM: Oh, okay! How long have you been married?

Atticus: 45 years young

DBM: Congratulations!

Atticus: We put in the work, Dave. It wasn’t by luck.

DBM: Describe Sif

Atticus: My wife’s embrace is warm. She’s grown to build an equal, trusting and lasting relationship and connection with me; she’s organized, kind, honest, compassionate and a woman I trust. Sif is always taking very good care of herself and looks good at all times; she makes me her number one priority, not the kids, not her parents, not friends. My wife is intelligent and I’ve had the pleasure of engaging in deeper and more stimulating conversations for decades. My Sif is confident.

DBM: How did you meet?

Atticus: I used to work with her late cousin. We met at his funeral.

DBM: Did you go on a date?

Atticus: We did, and she ruined my afternoon. She came to cry and mourn her cousin with me all over again.

DBM: You mean after the funeral?

Atticus: Yes

DBM: How were you communicating back then?

Atticus: Face to face. We would agree to meet somewhere to talk and bond, and show up for each other

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Atticus: I knew on our first date, before she started to cry on me that she could be my life-mate. After we had spoken at the funeral grounds, she gave herself the permission to like me too, because she understood how I felt about her. When you allow yourself to have what you really want, you get it somehow.

DBM: Can you recount a challenging time or moment in your marriage?

Atticus: There was a point in my life where I started craving for validation, connection, affection and intimacy from another woman. I loved Sif, but I wanted a different experience with someone else. The one-time affair happened, and she caught wind of it. The challenge was when I had to tell her everything, including how I met the other woman, how many times we had sex, what the other lady could do to/for me that she wasn’t doing, etc. And because I refused to answer most of her questions, it added more strain to our marriage – forcing her to separate from me.

DBM: For how long?

Atticus: Three weeks, but I was lucky the love we shared worked out eventually in our favor. She forgave me when I started doing things to build her trust in me again. I haven’t made such a mistake since.

DBM: How did she find you out?

Atticus: She said it was a strong feeling she fought for days to ignore

DBM: Is forgiving a spouse a significant step to take for a marriage to work?

Atticus: It can be an option on the table, because not everyone can easily recover from say, an affair. Unfortunately, most of us pretend a lot when we’re chasing after love. Many after giving in to the chase only get to find out that everything they venerated about the other person was all for show. When I cheated on my wife, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t paying her any attention; It didn’t occur to me that I had taken her for granted all that while. It was like, anytime she attempted speaking to me about something, she was either nagging or whining. That was how I was feeling about her when I was looking outside my marriage. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was actually begging for my attention, and time together all that while I was busily offering the very same things to someone else.

My focus was rather hoping on the wish that my life could be more exciting like it was being promised from the other end. And so, I spent most of my free time developing feelings, plans and what to do to the other woman to have my needs met. I was only thinking of how I could get out of the house each time.

DBM: What kind of work was put into the pursuit to get your wife back?

Atticus: When she left with the children, it hit me that I probably was in the wrong. I knew how troublesome our kids were in their early years and couldn’t imagine letting their mother, my Sif, struggle with raising them all by herself.

DBM: You felt she couldn’t have on her own?

Atticus: She could have. Also, I was supporting financially but I know my children, they can be a handful. They can eat for the whole of Ghana. They can talk and scream and shout and fight for the whole world. They’re troublesome. Having a life outside my family couldn’t have painted the perfect picture of what the real costs would have been for a single mother.

DBM: You were thinking of all that?

Atticus: It was part of the work done, that I believe made me a better man. It wasn’t just to get my wife back – it was for my own good and future with my family. I had to change to want better for us. I’d say, we became inseparable and happier than we were before I cheated.

DBM: How long was this rough moment?

Atticus: 36, 37 years ago, I think

DBM: In your opinion, what is nourishing your marriage?

Atticus: A number of things: allowing myself to be influenced by my wife.

DBM: Please explain

Atticus: Let me use this recent example: I usually have gulfing plans outlined for most weekends. Sif knows this, but still insisted I drove her to a wedding event last week. My wife can drive but she didn’t want to sit behind the wheel that Saturday morning. I cancelled my plans to drive her around. I could have returned home but I decided to wait for her. While waiting, I met a former school mate I hadn’t seen since Mfantsipim School. He was also dropping his wife. We drove to Sky Bar 25 to catch up, and we’re now in touch. He was one of the coolest guys in our day. I gained a best friend back just because of saying ‘okay’ to my wife.

DBM: Makes sense

Atticus: We also appreciate the good in our marriage while letting the bad take a hike. I have respect for my wife and treat her better than I would treat anyone else in my life. The fact is, I will not give to a stranger while my wife lacks. We are kind to each other that way. I am always happy for her success and have been encouraging and supporting her growth in all aspects of her interests. She does same for me. We found shared interests and pursued it with all the fun that comes with it. This made us not grow apart. We’ve built a solid financial security net around us; she’s always in the known about any activity I’m involved in outside the house. Sif knows how much I love sex, and has created a comfortable environment for me at home to express my love for her through sex – anytime I want to be with her.

DBM: You have any advice to give?

Atticus: 45 years being married to the same woman is no joke. I’ve been deliberate with my every effort to enjoy my wife and the marriage. The bad many of us men see in our wives are often through our own lenses. I changed the way I perceived my Sif, 37 years ago, and she automatically became the queen of my heart, and every woman I needed to be happy. Change how you look at, and address things/people, and see how the things/people you look at, and address suddenly also changes to your admiration. In my case, I was the person who needed to change for the better in order to experience 45 years of a healthy marriage.

Image Credit: Steward Masweneng

Let’s Talk To Larry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 45: I am Larry

DBM: Hello Larry. Please tell me a little about yourself

Larry: I am my family’s provider, and I make sure that the financial needs of my wife, children and the home is met. I am my family’s protector, and I make sure I am available to any of them should they feel anxious or threatened. I have made it my mission to not put the name, image or reputation of any member of my family to shame. In our home, I am the interpreter of our moral code. I lead by example, first as a man, husband and father. I have been married for 29 years to the same woman, and we have four children together. I am a Nephrologist

DBM: Who is a Nephrologist?

Larry: A doctor that diagnosis and treats diseases that affect the kidneys. We also treat patients with illnesses that can lead to kidney failure or its related diseases.

DBM: Interesting. What do you want to talk about?

Larry: I want to make a suggestion to women. Guys are not perfect; we cannot be perfect, but we can be loyal. We can be caring. We can be respectful. We can be kind. My suggestion is, make sure the man you are with, or the man you seek is all that and more.

DBM: Why should a woman opt for loyalty?

Larry: A loyal person will not think twice to inform you that he loves his wife and children. A man who is loyal doesn’t speak negatively about his wife to others. We choose our wives above every other woman or man we might be interested in. We follow through with our wedding vows and stick to it, no matter what. We are not ashamed to be faithful to our spouses; it’s not even a challenge; it’s not a difficulty; it’s not an obligation… It’s our everyday lifestyle because we believe in who we are, HONEST men by every standard measurable. And we give off this characteristic freely

DBM: Why should a woman choose a man who is caring?

Larry: A man who is caring is the right man because he relieves you off the burden of investing so much of your energy, compassion, love and effort into the relationship. Our actions put your instincts to rest, because we are focused on what is important to us, YOU. We don’t mind inconveniencing ourselves for the short while just to see you experience what you feel is best for you. You see us, and it’s like your dreams have come true – because we want to do anything to make your dreams come true. We know this, when we see that smile on your face, every day.

DBM: What is the relevance of a respectful man?

Larry: I respect my wife because I do not forget about her in my daily activities. I have not cheated on my wife all these years because I carry her along the way in my heart, and in my mind. She is the singlet I wear under my shirt; she’s the boxer shorts I put on before wearing my trousers. She’s the socks that fits in my shoes. I respect my wife because she’s the only woman I want to be with. She’s an important part of my life, and I want to be a significant part of her life. We are intentional when it comes to not doing anything our wives wouldn’t approve of, because we don’t want them to lose their respect for us. A man who respects you loves you. Dave, I love my wife, and I fear making a wrong decision that could affect her deeply. She accepts my good, she accepts my bad, but I want to be a better person every day, so she can be proud of me.

DBM: So, you’re basically doing everything possible to please your wife, no?

Larry: It’s not about pleasing her. At work, I see a lot of the nurses and junior staffs attempting to make us happy. I don’t think they realize it, but they seek our approval somehow. Our job is already demanding, and so trying to please others other than yourself – takes too much energy. I am a doctor because I WANT to be a doctor; It has nothing to do with what my parents or friends expected of me. For me, a BS/MD program best fit my interest and long term goals. I have always been passionate about medicine and helping people. It’s the same with marriage; my desire is to make it work with my wife, so we can enjoy the journey together. She’s doing her part of the agreement; I am doing my part of the agreement, and so far, we’ve gotten better results.

DBM: What are the results?

Larry: A peaceful home; a happy wife; the happy me and happy children. When I think of what I share with my wife, I get more vitality, passion and interest in achieving more for our marriage, so we can enjoy each other.

DBM: She’s your priority

Larry: Numéro un. And I am very patient when dealing with her

DBM: You talked about kindness

Larry: I think my wife and I did good in our choices, because we decided to be kind to each other. We are both decent and considerate. No, it’s not been easy: we have nursed our sore egos together, and we have decided to hold our hearts out in front of each other – with the hope that we wouldn’t crush it in our fists. A kind heart will hold yours dear to theirs. Being just kind doesn’t make me weak; it doesn’t make me vulnerable. I am not foolish because I am kind; I am not reckless. And it has nothing to do with being phony. I am the man I want to be in my marriage. I am the man I want to be for my wife. My actions are always within my control because I want my wife to feel safe and seen.

DBM: This is actually good. I don’t think I have any more questions

Larry: All I am trying to say is, being with such people is a blessing. I have not let my wife down; I have no intention of leaving her, even during a darker time in her life. I am a responsible man, and I will struggle along with her to make sure things are better between us.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ono Kosuki

Let’s Talk To William

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 14 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 34: I’m William

DBM: Hello William. Please tell me a little about yourself

William: I’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife says I am a joy to be married to.

DBM: Are you?

William: I’d want to believe so. I make my wife feel included, wanted, special, appreciated and loved. She sleeps soundly by my side every evening.

DBM: I’m glad to know

William: I have been following the conversations you’ve been having with the ladies, and I want to say, it’s good they’re being open about their experiences with married men. However, not every married man cheats. I have played by the rules of marriage for 28 years.

DBM: Well done!

William: Thank you! Dave, when you care about someone for who they are, like how I love my wife, everything about them becomes beautiful to you.

DBM: Do you know any married friends who are doing otherwise?

William: A ton, and they tell me they cheat not because they do not love their wives. I doubt cheating has anything to do with love. A lot of these guys take a chance out with other people because they do not want their wives to feel they’re overly being demanding when it comes to their need for sex. A lot of men love sex; I love sex and it can become our weakness. Unfortunately, many wives who know this about their husbands take advantage of the opportunity to deny them, leaving the men depressed.

DBM: Have you ever been denied sex at home?

William: Many times

DBM: And, what did you do?

William: I exercised self-discipline and control over my desires. I made a promise to my wife when I married her, to forsake all others. I respect myself too much to break my vows.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

William: As a kid, I also saw my father disrespect my mother. We found out he had been cheating on her. The damage it did to our self-esteem as children, and the fact that, our dad did not even see this act of utmost selfishness, and his disregard for our need for security and trust – is the reason why I want to encourage men to be more attentive and available to their wives. A man has to be open and honest to his wife; know how your wife feels, so she can understand how you feel.

DBM: And has it always worked for you?

William: No!

DBM: Did your father love your mum?

William: Like many others, I never heard him appreciate my mother for anything she did. My wife is valuable to me because I appreciate her for being a big part of my life, and that of our family; my children know this. And because she means the world to me, I have never allowed any form of temptation to make me act in a way that would put my marriage to her in jeopardy.

DBM: Is the typical man built for monogamy?

William: Every man has the ability to do right by his wife, even when she’s not there to witness your every move. I made a sacred pledge to commit myself to only my wife, because I love her. It’s a conscious choice I made. Many guys have made similar promises, but are choosing to cast aside the feelings of the women they’re supposed to be in love with, for a momentary time of pleasure. Our integrity as men ought to outweigh our socioeconomic status. My word, as a man, should be as good as my bond; because going back on your promise to your wife means losing all of her trust in you. No one in their right senses should put their trust in you, or even do business with you if you can’t be faithful to your wife.

DBM: It’s that much a big deal?

William: It is to me, unfortunately. Marriage is not an easy work; that is why some of us are working really hard to build and maintain the relationship we want to experience with our wives. The 24-hours I have in a day is barely enough for me to be a husband, father and an employee. I cannot add an extra job of maintaining an affair.

DBM: How often do you think about your wife in a day?

William: She’s come to my mind more than four time already today.

DBM: How about sex?

William: How many times have I thought about sex today?

DBM: Yes!

William: It has not flashed my mind.

DBM: Meaning, you’re not having sex tonight?

William: You are the one drawing my attention to it. I probably would

DBM: How old are you?

William: 57

DBM: If you could be 28 or 29 years old again, would you have asked for your wife’s hand in marriage?

William: No!

DBM: Why not?

William: My intimacy needs are not met. She tries to give in to sex just to make me feel happy, but a lot of the time, I see that she’s not really into it. She agrees to it only out of duty. I have more sex drive than her – and it sometimes creates an unspoken tension between us.

DBM: So, sex plays an important role in marriage

William: If my wife could have understood years ago that, meeting my sexual needs was as important as prioritizing her needs and that of our children, maybe I would have been the happiest man in the world.

DBM: Give me an example of a scenario

William: My mother died 15 years ago. The day of the funeral, I wanted to be intimate with my wife before attending the funeral service that morning. She was very close to mum, and so, she was grieving too; I could understand that part, but hey, she was my mother, and I was hurting the most. I needed that perfect moment to be vulnerable, accepted and not judged for wanting to get laid while my mum lied in state. She refused me that opportunity to be comforted by her. I still remember to this day because that was time that I needed to be covered with my wife’s love.

DBM: You don’t feel alone in the marriage, do you?

William: I’m okay, I’m used to all this. My children are becoming everything they wanted to become, my wife smiles a lot and looks happy all the time. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

DBM: Are you happy, as a married man?

William: I am happy as a man. I am happy as a father. I am proud of being a good husband to my wife

DBM: But…?

William: There is no but. Lol!

DBM: You qualified your state of being a man and a father with happiness. You didn’t do same as a husband.

William: I don’t want to put out the impression that marriage is all about sex for the men. But for some of us guys with a high sex drive, we’re our most confident, active and alive when our wives make it a priority to keep our sex lives interesting and working. A woman is more memorable to a man if the sex is good. A woman is more powerful to a man if the sex is great. A woman is more attractive to a man if the sex is awesome. A man is impressed if sex with you is something he cannot easily get out of his mind.

DBM: I’ve spoken to people who genuinely are good at heart, and do care about their partners. Many of them have had affairs, and do know that, sometimes, it’s the wrong thing to do. But then again, they did not truly know it until they did it.

William: From our conversation, you realize a lot has also gone on in my marriage. Everything that has happened between me and my wife, I’ve had a CHOICE in how to respond. An affair is a type of response. It’s a choice.

DBM: What would you say to people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, or even jobs that aren’t so fulfilling, whereby they may love or like whoever they may be dealing with, but deep down they know they deserve better?

William: If the relationship isn’t working, if the marriage does not bring you joy; if the job isn’t fulfilling enough; if your life in the situation isn’t progressing – then maybe you need to consider closing that chapter and moving on from that entanglement. You don’t need to waste any more time trying to make others feel good.

Image Credit: Zen Chung

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