Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production