Tag: Separation

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Anna: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Anna: Not fine

DBM: What would make your day a bit fine?

Anna: I’m not sure at the moment

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Anna: I am being tempted to harm my husband. I want to hurt him so bad

DBM: We are not going to do that

Anna: Dave, if I am to tell you what he’s done

DBM: We’re still not going on that evil route. What will make you not execute that thought?

Anna: If I’m out of the house

DBM: Great! So, that’s what we’re going to plan. Are you open to that?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: How old?

Anna: 7 and 9

DBM: Do you work?

Anna: Yes

DBM: What is your relationship like with your employer?

Anna: We’ve developed a meaningful one

DBM: Okay! Do you have a car?

Anna: I do

DBM: Do you have a personal rainy-day fund set aside for emergencies?

Anna: I have a personal savings account.

DBM: That your husband doesn’t know of?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You’re a smart woman. Marriage can be very complicated; reasons why I hope every woman would maintain a separate bank account even after opening a joint one with their partners for shared bills and other household purchases. You maintain that sense of financial independence. You also feel empowered, knowing you have claims to your own money.

Anna: I agree with you

DBM: How many days do you think you would need to clear your head?

Anna: Three weeks. Maybe, a month. I don’t know

DBM: Do you have the perfect excuse in your head that you feel your employers can buy into – to give you days off?

Anna: Not really. I don’t want to discuss my marital issues with people I know

DBM: Understood. Do you have any medical doctor friends?

Anna: I know of two

DBM: Two that you are close to?

Anna: I am very close to one. The other is just a friend of a friend.

DBM: Would the one you’re close to be willing to authenticate a report or note to excuse you from work for a month?

Anna: She would want to know why I need a fake report for work

DBM: Can you trust her with your problems?

Anna: Maybe.

DBM: You’re considering harming your husband. That is a mental health issue. At least, you know what you’re working with. Help her find reason in supporting your claim for a month off-work. She can come up with the perfect note to address the burnout you’re currently feeling.

Anna: Ok

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Anna: How do you know?

DBM: I just know.

Anna: I was really going to poison his drink or meal. He would have been placed in a medically induced coma and never woken up from it. My husband has broken my heart, Dave, and I am willing to make his heart stop.

DBM: But how are you able to get your hands on such chemicals?

Anna: A friend of mine who is a nurse gave me options to choose from. They know the types of solutions to use for these kinds of assignments to remove the brute strength of a toxic, philandering man from the equation. And it can be difficult to detect their cause of death.

DBM: I see. If you’re able to secure a date for your one-month absence from work, where do you intend to go?

Anna: I’m not even sure. Maybe the Volta or Western Regions. I also have a visa to travel to two countries. I could choose that option.

DBM: Perfect. So, two or three days before you leave, cook as much food for the house. Store your soups and stews in the freezer. Prepare enough sauces, stews and soups to last for at least, three weeks. Fry or grill enough proteins to accompany the sauces. Your husband can cook rice, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Make food present at home in your absence.

Anna: I will do that.

DBM: Do their laundry before leaving. Including that of your husband’s

Anna: David, you’re asking too much of me

DBM: He is your husband

Anna: I do not consider him as my husband anymore

DBM: But legally, he is, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: He is your husband. You will do his laundry too. And if possible, iron his clothes for work.

Anna: I will think about that.

DBM: You’d have to do a general cleaning of the house. Leave the house in a clean state.

Anna: I will try. I want to take the kids along

DBM: No! You’re leaving them behind

Anna: I can’t do that

DBM: You can and you will. Your mind and soul need a holiday. This is the perfect opportunity to stop doing for others, so you can delight yourself and best interest instead. Your children fall in the category of ‘others’. It’s time to enjoy your own good company. This should also help you to put your marriage on a plate to see if it’s really over. You will see more clearly and hear your inner witness more keenly. You will know the truth and the truth will set your heart at peace.

Anna: It’s the leaving my children behind part that is unsettling.

DBM: Is your husband a good father to his children?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you believe he knows what is good for his children and would act accordingly?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you trust that he has the well-being of his own children at heart?

Anna: Yes

DBM: And do your children know that no matter what you will do or have done, there is nothing in this world that would diminish your love for them?

Anna: I think so

DBM: Great! So, you are doing this without your children, no?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: Before you leave that day, write a simple note on a piece of paper. Lay your matrimonial bed and leave the note on top of it. You don’t need to detail the specifics of your decision to be absent from home for whatever number of days. Just let him know you need a bit of space between the two of you. Indicate when you’re returning and also tell him about the numerous dishes you’ve prepared for them in storage. Take a picture of the note on the bed and take pictures also of all the meals you will prepare and store. Some men can lie just to throw you under the bus. Have proof on your phone in case he decides to lie to family and friends about you leaving the children behind without food. He will also tell people you left without telling him.

Anna: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Abstract Photos

Eye For An Eye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Aqua: Hi Dave. Story time. When our child was born, my wife suggested two names she wanted me to add to the names I had already chosen for my son. We had agreed on two names, plus my surname. But my wife, out of nowhere, wanted us to add two new names to his name. Just recently, I was having issues with my phone and had to use my wife’s WhatsApp to call someone. I came across conversations she’d had with two different men who were under the assumption that my son was theirs. They know my wife is married, yet believed my son was theirs. Meaning, they both slept with her at a point in time. Their first names, interestingly, happened to be the two new names my wife added to my names for our son. I also found out that, they have been sending her money every month for ‘their’ son’s upkeep. Dave, there is absolutely nothing lower than a woman you think is in love with you, lying about the paternity of a child. I think it’s unfair and I’m going to clap back.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you confronted your wife about your discovery?

Aqua: I have. Her only excuse is that I was cheating on her so she had to let her own hair down.

DBM: Were you cheating on her?

Aqua: I was but I stopped when I got caught.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Aqua: I’m going to leave this marriage

DBM: I see. Do you mind me asking why you were cheating on her?

Aqua: Same reason every guy steps out sometimes. I needed to feel needed and admired. The woman I was with was struggling with her life and career. My intention was to help her find a job but we both became vulnerable and lost focus.

DBM: Does she have a job now?

Aqua: She’s still working on it. I gave her a few contacts and leads when I ended things.

DBM: Is your marriage worth saving?

Aqua: No

DBM: You’re done?

Aqua: Totally done.

DBM: You don’t think you can ever forgive her?

Aqua: I will never be able to forgive her

DBM: How about how she felt when you were doing the cheating?

Aqua: I didn’t get the other woman pregnant. There is a difference

DBM: I am not talking about that. I am talking about how you made her feel when she caught you cheating. Were you expecting her to forgive and forget?

Aqua: She said she had forgiven me. And I believed her. That’s why I ended things with the other girl.

DBM: I know you feel betrayed right now but I’d have to ask again; there really is nothing worth holding on to?

Aqua: Even if there is, I don’t think I’d ever trust her again

DBM: Do you think she would ever trust you again?

Aqua: I don’t care anymore bro.

DBM: Do you at least, feel the love you once had for her beneath all the anger you’re feeling right now?

Aqua: I don’t think I can bring myself to love her like I used to.

DBM: That’s understandable. Has she apologized to you?

Aqua: Yes.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Aqua: I did when I was caught.

DBM: Was it sincere?

Aqua: Does it matter? She cheated back

DBM: And, is the baby your child?

Aqua: Yes. I did a DNA test.

DBM: Thank GOD! Now, baby is yours. What’s the next step?

Aqua: Filing for divorce.

DBM: That is your final decision?

Aqua: Final decision.

DBM: Have you started with the process?

Aqua: Not yet.

DBM: When do you intend to?

Aqua: Not sure but soon.

DBM: You still live in the same house?

Aqua: Yes, but sleeping in separate rooms.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Aqua: 5 years

DBM: That’s a young marriage. Do you want my opinion or you just needed to find a space to vent?

Aqua: What’s your opinion?

DBM: Maintain the separation arrangement and sleep in different rooms. Use the time to reflect on your individual actions and be happy on your own terms. Make little efforts to invest in the marriage if you still think you can one day be willing to show up – with a forgiving heart, to grant the mother of your child mercy. If you can see yourself, someday, extending grace on your wife, you will grow to want to rebuild the marriage from where you left of.

Aqua: You would have told a woman to leave her cheating husband. You and your biases

DBM: Well, guess what! The cheating husband in question was the one cheating on her first. Deal with it or take accountability.

Aqua: I can forgive her but not now.

DBM: That’s a great start. Anytime I choose to forgive someone it helps reduce the hate and dislike I have for the person. Genuine forgiveness also inspires a change in our behavior and encourages a healthy attitude towards rebuilding a relationship.

Aqua: But Dave, I’m still questioning whether we have to work things out. I still feel like I am done with her.

DBM: If you reflect on it and still come to the same conclusion, then don’t force to make it work. Not all marriages are meant to last.

Aqua: Thanks

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

A LOT UNSAID

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Please keep me anonymous. Me and my wife are dealing with a complicated issue that is getting us worried. Our close friend died last year. She was in the process of divorcing her husband when we gave her and her kids our spare rooms. She was also battling cancer. Her husband isn’t our buddy-buddy as his wife was but he is a friend to me and my woman. Our friend died due to the cancer but before she died, she wrote a legal document in the presence of her attorney requesting that me and my wife bury her. She didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband; she didn’t want to have anything to do with her own family.

Dave, a lot was going on in her life which she left unsaid. That was part of the reason why it was hard for me to tell if she was actually in an unhappy marriage or she was just going through a rough patch. We knew something wasn’t right when she moved to our house with her children. Our late friend, who used to talk to my wife says our friend’s family were on the side of her husband and believed in his lies more than her complaints. Also, because he was good at giving her mother, father and siblings gifts and money, they assumed he was a good man for their daughter. But she was suffering in the marriage. The contents in the legal document she prepared before she died stated that we should send her children to her ex-husband the first week after her death. It also said we were to buy a coffin and bury her without holding a funeral. She’s an insurer and had left money to cover her coffin and burial processes.

She wrote in the document that she did not want her mother, father, sisters, brothers, ex-husband or children around her corpse. She wanted only me and my wife to bury her privately without fanfare. Her last instruction was that she didn’t want us to show any member of her family where we buried her. Her lawyer ensured we had honored her last wishes. Th problem is that, when we took the children to her ex-husband’s office and informed him about his ex-wife’s demise, he called his in laws to tell them. The family is now on our neck to produce the buried body. It’s been three months and we are not having it easy. They brought the police to our house, etc. But because there is a legally binding document in our favor, there hasn’t been any arrests. But her family is always at our main gate in black and red attires,  demanding for their corpse. I was telling my wife we show them where we buried their relative but she and the lawyer are insisting we do not go against her dead friend’s wishes.

Dave, the woman is dead. What else can a dead body do? Wouldn’t it be easier showing them where we buried her?

Image Credit: Cottonbro

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