Eye For An Eye
Aqua: Hi Dave. Story time. When our child was born, my wife suggested two names she wanted me to add to the names I had already chosen for my son. We had agreed on two names, plus my surname. But my wife, out of nowhere, wanted us to add two new names to his name. Just recently, I was having issues with my phone and had to use my wife’s WhatsApp to call someone. I came across conversations she’d had with two different men who were under the assumption that my son was theirs. They know my wife is married, yet believed my son was theirs. Meaning, they both slept with her at a point in time. Their first names, interestingly, happened to be the two new names my wife added to my names for our son. I also found out that, they have been sending her money every month for ‘their’ son’s upkeep. Dave, there is absolutely nothing lower than a woman you think is in love with you, lying about the paternity of a child. I think it’s unfair and I’m going to clap back.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you confronted your wife about your discovery?
Aqua: I have. Her only excuse is that I was cheating on her so she had to let her own hair down.
DBM: Were you cheating on her?
Aqua: I was but I stopped when I got caught.
DBM: What are you going to do?
Aqua: I’m going to leave this marriage
DBM: I see. Do you mind me asking why you were cheating on her?
Aqua: Same reason every guy steps out sometimes. I needed to feel needed and admired. The woman I was with was struggling with her life and career. My intention was to help her find a job but we both became vulnerable and lost focus.
DBM: Does she have a job now?
Aqua: She’s still working on it. I gave her a few contacts and leads when I ended things.
DBM: Is your marriage worth saving?
Aqua: No
DBM: You’re done?
Aqua: Totally done.
DBM: You don’t think you can ever forgive her?
Aqua: I will never be able to forgive her
DBM: How about how she felt when you were doing the cheating?
Aqua: I didn’t get the other woman pregnant. There is a difference
DBM: I am not talking about that. I am talking about how you made her feel when she caught you cheating. Were you expecting her to forgive and forget?
Aqua: She said she had forgiven me. And I believed her. That’s why I ended things with the other girl.
DBM: I know you feel betrayed right now but I’d have to ask again; there really is nothing worth holding on to?
Aqua: Even if there is, I don’t think I’d ever trust her again
DBM: Do you think she would ever trust you again?
Aqua: I don’t care anymore bro.
DBM: Do you at least, feel the love you once had for her beneath all the anger you’re feeling right now?
Aqua: I don’t think I can bring myself to love her like I used to.
DBM: That’s understandable. Has she apologized to you?
Aqua: Yes.
DBM: Have you apologized to her?
Aqua: I did when I was caught.
DBM: Was it sincere?
Aqua: Does it matter? She cheated back
DBM: And, is the baby your child?
Aqua: Yes. I did a DNA test.
DBM: Thank GOD! Now, baby is yours. What’s the next step?
Aqua: Filing for divorce.
DBM: That is your final decision?
Aqua: Final decision.
DBM: Have you started with the process?
Aqua: Not yet.
DBM: When do you intend to?
Aqua: Not sure but soon.
DBM: You still live in the same house?
Aqua: Yes, but sleeping in separate rooms.
DBM: How long have you been married?
Aqua: 5 years
DBM: That’s a young marriage. Do you want my opinion or you just needed to find a space to vent?
Aqua: What’s your opinion?
DBM: Maintain the separation arrangement and sleep in different rooms. Use the time to reflect on your individual actions and be happy on your own terms. Make little efforts to invest in the marriage if you still think you can one day be willing to show up – with a forgiving heart, to grant the mother of your child mercy. If you can see yourself, someday, extending grace on your wife, you will grow to want to rebuild the marriage from where you left of.
Aqua: You would have told a woman to leave her cheating husband. You and your biases
DBM: Well, guess what! The cheating husband in question was the one cheating on her first. Deal with it or take accountability.
Aqua: I can forgive her but not now.
DBM: That’s a great start. Anytime I choose to forgive someone it helps reduce the hate and dislike I have for the person. Genuine forgiveness also inspires a change in our behavior and encourages a healthy attitude towards rebuilding a relationship.
Aqua: But Dave, I’m still questioning whether we have to work things out. I still feel like I am done with her.
DBM: If you reflect on it and still come to the same conclusion, then don’t force to make it work. Not all marriages are meant to last.
Aqua: Thanks
Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko
