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I Wanna Stand Over There

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paisleigh: Dave, it’s February. Can we chat? I’ve been messaging you since September

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Paisleigh: Am fine. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paisleigh: I have a 24-year-old daughter who wants to get married this year. I’ve been a little grumpy about her decision because I know she’s not ready for what she’s about to jump into. I’ve not been able to congratulate or be happy for her because I am against her decision to marry so young. And because of that she wants me to introduce her to her father’s family. I raised my baby girl as a single parent. Her father has not been a part of our lives since I got pregnant with her. He does not even know I got pregnant with his child.

DBM: Is her father alive?

Paisleigh: Yes

DBM: Do you want to introduce her to him?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: Why not?

Paisleigh: She came about as a result of rape.

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Paisleigh: I have tried to keep the conversation about her dad out of our talks because she may end up eventually hating him.

DBM: Or, forgiving him. People change, you know?

Paisleigh: Yes.

DBM: Do you want her to know him?

Paisleigh: No. I do not trust him.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing what actually happened between you two, prior to the assault?

Paisleigh: I was questioning my identity at a very young age. 14, maybe 15 years old. Even at that age, I knew I couldn’t see myself pursuing a relationship with a boy even if I liked one. Boys had had crushes on me but I couldn’t crush on any of them that I liked as friends. Rather, I found our class prefect Mina attractive. I also liked Akua Forson, and Maame Serwaa. Dave, these are real people I schooled with and are now doing so well in life. It was a struggle to express my feelings openly, so I had to repress it somehow. I can’t remember what really happened but something happened for me to be enrolled in a camp retreat for 9 days during one of our school vacations. There were a lot of teenagers at the camp. One of the leaders or organizers of the camp who registered me upon my arrival was talking to my mother, and I don’t know what discussions they had had till date; but he showed special interest in my spiritual growth at the retreat. He seemed harmless and his tactics were insidious. He forced himself into becoming my spiritual mentor and ended up assaulting me sexually a day before the retreat ended. He also told me my mother had informed him about my interest in girls and he felt I was truly broken on the inside, that he had to teach me what it felt like to have interests in boys.

DBM: Did you report him to your mother or any of the leadership at the camp?

Paisleigh: No. I was disappointed and mad at myself. And I believed him when he said I was a broken piece. I was also mad at my mother for setting me up to this.

DBM: Predators pick on children they know are the least likely to tell on them.

Paisleigh: You’re right. I was the shy girl, very quiet and secretive. My mother trusted and was depending on him because he was the Christian adult at the retreat.

DBM: How old do you think he was?

Paisleigh: Not sure. 29 or in his early 30’s. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my parents were insisting to know who was responsible. I was beaten by my mom and threatened by my dad but I kept his name to myself.

DBM: Your mother was not able to watch for signs you directly or indirectly showed at home after the camp?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: That is rather unfortunate. They were wrong for what they did to you. As a parent, beating an already severely traumatized child is really some next level shit.

Paisleigh: I know but I also blame myself. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to what I felt for girls.

DBM: I do not believe any girl or boy should be conditioned to our culture’s misogynistic and heteronormative attitude of always encouraging people to place their value on their capability to just being straight with their desires. It’s not every boy that is attracted to a girl. It’s not every girl that is attracted to a boy. Some boys desire boys. Some girls find girls attractive.

Paisleigh: Hmmm

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your daughter.

Paisleigh: Yes. My biggest fear is that she would gravitate more to her father’s love and acceptance of her and may no longer need me.

DBM: What makes you think that?

Paisleigh: The man is doing very well for himself. He is a big shot preacher with a big church and following in Accra. He has a beautiful family and my daughter may be drawn to the glitter.

DBM: As parents, we are indirectly expected to model to our children how to approach life and relationships. We are to teach them how to express and receive love; teach them how to process feelings of all sorts and how best they can handle disagreements. Do you think you have modeled that for her these past 24 years?

Paisleigh: I have tried. Yes

DBM: Good! It’s her father’s turn to shape and color the lens through which she’s going to see and make meaning of life. She’s deserving of that relationship with him.

Paisleigh: Without her knowing the genesis of her birth?

DBM: That is solely to your discretion but I would have told her about the camp-retreat story, and what he did to me. That is the context she needs right now to shape her conscious and unconscious perceptions about what she’s seeking in a father.

Paisleigh: Ok

DBM: I hope your daughter knows how phenomenal a mother you have been to her

Paisleigh: Hmmm

Image Credit: Tubarones Photography

Raw Emotions

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kuntwaa: The kind of future I imagined with my husband by my side, the kind of helpmate and support he was to me and our daughter; the fact that he was the second source of income in our little equation called family. The fact that he was that other parent I dreamed of raising a child with; my best friend in the world, died; leaving me and our little angel all by ourselves whiles he hovers somewhere over the rainbow, alone, probably feeling vulnerable and lost. Dave, doing marriage for six years with my late husband was one of my greatest accomplishments. So, for it to be just over like that without giving me enough time to experience the ‘in sickness and in health’, ‘for better and for worse’ aspects of our vows really hurt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): There are no words. I am terribly sorry about that.

Kuntwaa: Yeah

DBM: How long has it been since he died?

Kuntwaa: Three years

DBM: How is your daughter doing?

Kuntwaa: She’s fine

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kuntwaa: I thought I was. Because I wasn’t fully living for a year and a half after his death, I dated briefly and fell in love with an emotionally generous man. He was alone and in a quiet phase in his own life after his divorce. We both seemed to be walking broken and empty on these streets. That practically how we met. He offered to take me out on a date and we bonded from there. It has been interesting and fun knowing him and being known by him. He introduced me to his two kids, he met my daughter and she loved him. Dave, he welcomed me into his world and managed to make me feel loved and wanted. He made me laugh and I finally thought I had it all over again.

DBM: What happened?

Kuntwaa: He reunited with his ex-wife

DBM: Oh my!

Kuntwaa: His children loved me but they preferred their father and mother rather being together.

DBM: Ha!

Kuntwaa: I contacted you because my daughter keeps asking me why Uncle Dodoo left, because she misses him. They used to talk on the phone every day. She feels every man she’s come to love has left her.

DBM: How did you introduce Uncle Dodoo to her?

Kuntwaa: I told her he was my ‘special friend’.

DBM: Were you sleeping over at his end?

Kuntwaa: Yes, sometimes with my daughter. He slept over at mine a couple of times too.

DBM: Just use the dynamics in friendship to explain things to her. Some friends are meant to stay with us for the long haul, while others just come in and go. She needs to understand that, it’s okay to sometimes miss someone we care about.

Kuntwaa: But she keeps asking a lot of questions

DBM: You need to as much as possible be truthful with your answers to her questions

Kuntwaa: Truthful to what extent?

DBM: You need to explain your feelings about the whole breakup to your daughter. When I was a child, I had all these big emotions. I could feel what my mother was feeling. I felt hurt when she was hurt. I was happy when she was happy about something. You need to help her to understand the complexities of her own feelings. She’s feeling a whole lot of things and it’s your responsibility as a parent, to help her make sense out of what’s going on inside and outside of her.

Kuntwaa: It’s not that simple

DBM: Why is that?

Kuntwaa: He still wants us to be, while he works things out with his wife

DBM: Wait! Was he officially divorced?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: I see. What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I was very much attracted to him. I feel like he was honest with me in our relationship. He was capable of providing for me. I make a good living for myself but it’s sweet to also have a successful man who cares about me and my daughter, and was treating us with respect and love. He promised to provide me the life I’ve always dreamed of. My relationship with him was already on that path that I was enjoying living in.

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I just answered that

DBM: Is he dating his ex-wife?

Kuntwaa: No! His family presented drinks to her family again.

DBM: So, he’s married?

Kuntwaa: I think so.

DBM: And he wants what he had with you on the side?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I want a man of my own

DBM: I don’t know how best to say this in the right context for you to understand. I am telling you this not because I am a man, but because I understand men. I know men probably in ways you may never know. So, believe me when I tell you that – you need a man who is available to only you, so he would have more than enough time to sweep you off your feet with his genuineness, out of your own dreamed reality, and place you gently into his own ideal of a reality with you in it. That is a man you can confidently lay your love on. That is a man you can decide to want to trust wholeheartedly. That is a man you can depend on. That is a man who will never consider choosing another person over you.

Kuntwaa: Ok

DBM: Your feelings for him are valid, and I respect that. Question is, is he worth the risk of your feelings and that of your daughter’s being taken for granted? Because someone who leaves you for another person, yet still wants to be with you – does not respect you that much. Do not dedicate your time and attention to someone whose actions, deliberately eats away the little emotions you have left in you to give.

Kuntwaa: I don’t want to be alone, Dave

DBM: I don’t think I have anything else to say to you for now.

Kuntwaa: Ok. It was nice talking to you.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Beata

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 188: My name is Beata

DBM: Hi Beata. How would you describe yourself?

Beata: I am a dedicated, laid back, thoughtful but tired mother and wife.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Beata: Six, I think for today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Beata: I am a single mom of two. My children are 11 and nine years old. My husband is also a single father but his kids are grown. This is our second year in marriage and my children are begging me to take them out of his house. He has very strict house rules for the kids and they are now telling me they aren’t happy at home and they miss their father.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Beata: 49

DBM: How old are you?

Beata: 37

DBM: You had your children with one man?

Beata: Yes. He died a few years ago. We were married for four years.

DBM: What are some of the house rules making your children feel uncomfortable?

Beata: They’re not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes in the bathroom; the house is supposed to be silent at all times; they’re not allowed to go out and play with their friends after school; they’re to stay in their rooms and study after dinner; no TV, no video games, no friends coming over to visit them.

DBM: Why all these restrictions?

Beata: He says, children are not supposed to be given an inch, else they would take a mile

DBM: Do you believe that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you expressed your views to him?

Beata: I have tried but he says his house, his rules

DBM: How is his relationship towards you?

Beata: He is very caring and thoughtful. I believe my husband loves me very much because he treats me like his only chick. He makes me his top priority.

DBM: What are your priorities?

Beata: My children come first, and my husband knows that.

DBM: What were the dynamics like – when you first started dating?

Beata: He was very cool with my children, to be honest. He talked to them, joked with them, helped them with assignments from school, took us out to eat; he played with them and hardly made any attempt to be their father. He was that cool Uncle to them. Also, I was very busy with work and personal activities.

DBM: What changed?

Beata: That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself

DBM: When did he start being strict?

Beata: I noticed it in November, 2023, but my children are saying he changed when we moved in with him.

DBM: When did you all move in to his house?

Beata: After our engagement

DBM: How long after your engagement did you get married?

Beata: Four months

DBM: Did you at least discuss family roles prior to moving in with your children?

Beata: Not that I remember

DBM: Is it a house you both purchased?

Beata: No! He owns it.

DBM: Do you like how he’s treating your children?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you told him that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Why not?

Beata: I don’t think he’s a bad father. He’s just strict

DBM: But your children are not happy

Beata: I know

DBM: Does that not concern you?

Beata: It does but I was thinking, wives have to love their husbands first, and more than their children.

DBM: When the children are his biological kids, no?

Beata: Not entirely

DBM: You said your children come first

Beata: They still do. What I am saying is I love my husband well so our love can provide the stable base for the kind of family we want.

DBM: How do your kids address him?

Beata: Uncle, followed by his first name.

DBM: I see. Are your children respectful?

Beata: Yes

DBM: Do you believe your husband is doing his very best for your children to be happy in their new home?

Beata: I don’t know!

DBM: Do you believe he is doing his very best for you and your children?

Beata: Yes

DBM: That’s all that matters

Beata: Are you sure? How would you advise your sister if she were in my shoes?

DBM: I’d ask my sister the hard questions

Beata: Ask me

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Beata: To be honest, my husband is a good father-figure. All his children are doing very well for themselves. He is intelligent and successful. He is a good provider, and knows how to balance discipline and consequence.

DBM: Did you marry him because you’re in love with him? That was my question

Beata: No! The man I was in love with had no parenting experience, and could not have been able to take care of me and my children. I did not want my children to lose out. I chose to rather lose out on love, so I can be loved by the one who could take care of me and my children.

DBM: Thank you for your candor. It’s sad, but that’s your truth.

Beata: What do you really think of my decision?

DBM: I think it was selfish of you to choose a man under the false pretense of making him believe you’re in love with him. I do not see marriage as a scheme to replace a dead father in your kids’ lives.

Beata: David, you don’t know how it feels to be a parent with so many responsibilities on your head.

DBM: I do!

Beata: Okay, but you don’t know how it feels like to be a single mother with no one to assist you

DBM: I know how to be a man, and I am telling you – it does not matter whether or not a man has children, so far as he is kind and can be trusted, so far as he is committed to you and everything that concerns you, so far as he can be flexible and thoughtful, with or without money, can do right by you and your children. What every good and decent man out there is doing right now is maintaining a loving and stable home for his partner and their children, if any, with the little or more that they have to their name.

Beata: Ok!

DBM: Participant 187, Xaiden, left a question for you: ‘x2x +19=16x’

Beata: I am sorry but I cannot solve this equation

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Beata: Discus infertility in a marriage where both the man and woman want to have a child but are infertile?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Nappy

Let’s Talk To Pablo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 129: Pablo

DBM: Hello Pablo. How would you describe yourself?

Pablo: Responsible for myself and actions. I will do anything to protect those I love

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pablo: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pablo: I married the corpse of my son’s mother before she was buried three years ago. I had been in a relationship with her for five years. She did not want marriage because she didn’t believe in it but her family wouldn’t let her be buried until I had done the traditional wedding rituals. My intention was to run away when the spokesperson from our family presented the request from the deceased’s family to me. I had packed my things and was ready to go three days before the ceremony but couldn’t move my legs that dawn. That was the first sign I should have taken seriously. My legs unlocked later in the afternoon and could walk again. I went to the bus station the next day still with the intention of not going through with the rituals; our bus was involved in an accident on the road. Nobody got hurt. These were the two strong alerts I got and had to return to do the expected of me.

DBM: But your late girlfriend didn’t want marriage, no?

Pablo: She didn’t

DBM: Why didn’t you argue her preference in her honor?

Pablo: Her family wouldn’t listen to anything

DBM: Where was your son?

Pablo: With her parents

DBM: They knew you?

Pablo: They did

DBM: And were in favor of you marrying her corpse?

Pablo: I don’t think they did but they went along with what the head of their clad had proposed.

DBM: Were you living together?

Pablo: Yes, for four years

DBM: What was the cause of her death?

Pablo: We were expecting our second child. She was nine months pregnant and was in labor. I was at work when the call came through. I got to the hospital and she was dead. The baby had died too. Her mother was in the hospital with her and had complained to the nurses about her daughter being in pain, but was ignored.

DBM: Is marriage something you wanted?

Pablo: Yes, but I wasn’t financially in the position to

DBM: Do you think that could be why your girlfriend wasn’t interested in the idea of marriage?

Pablo: Maybe, because she was very understanding of my situation

DBM: Dead women do not talk so how could the marriage ceremony take place?

Pablo: The two spokespersons from the various tribes did all the talking and negotiations. The one leading our clan officially asked for her hand in marriage, and the other head accepted. We presented the items on the lists given us to their family. My late girlfriend’s siblings also took their Akonta Sikan. The dowry was presented and placed beside her corpse.

DBM: The dowry consisted of what?

Pablo: Bride price of Ghs 2000, Gin, whisky, pieces of wax prints and clothes, Bible, jewelry, kitchen utensils, makeup, the engagement ring and food and drinks for the invited guests.

DBM: How many people were present to witness this?

Pablo: 10 family members from my side, and 10 form hers

DBM: Did you invite any friends?

Pablo: Three friends added to make my side of 10

DBM: Hmmm!

Pablo: It wasn’t easy.

DBM: The corpse looked like a bride?

Pablo: I can’t remember but she was adorned with a kente, crown-like tekua, with gold jewelries and expensive beading to accessorize her. I was the only one who touched, hugged and kissed her while she lay there, dead.

DBM: Whose cost was it to bury her?

Pablo: We split the cost 50/50 between our families. According to them, I was her husband and had to bear part of the funeral costs

DBM: How old were you?

Pablo: 33

DBM: You were so young. Did this experience have any negative effects on you?

Pablo: Depression came over me at nights, whenever I closed my eyes. I’m scared of cohabitation. I’m scared of getting a woman pregnant. Marriage is no longer part of my plans. I used to not drink alcohol but now I do. I lost my sense of sleep and found it very difficult sleeping at night.

DBM: How is your son doing?

Pablo: He’s fine. He’s gone to school.

DBM: He stays with you?

Pablo: Yes

DBM: What’s the relationship between you and your in-laws like?

Pablo: We don’t relate that well. Not spoken to any member of their family in years.

DBM: How is the feeling like, being a single parent?

Pablo: Challenging. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The things I love about him cannot be put into words. He matches my daily actions and behavior, mirroring the way I speak and move my body. He loves hanging out with me

DBM: Are you up to the task of parenting solo?

Pablo: Dave, I am more than qualified to care for my son

DBM: What are some of the challenges you face?

Pablo: A lot. I am on my own running this our household; imagine if he’s to fall sick, and I have work to do, bills to pay, etc.

DBM: Do you have any plans going back on the dating market?

Pablo: I’m not ready to retire my right hand and Vaseline yet

DBM: I see. But don’t you sometimes feel alone?

Pablo: My son is relying on me entirely, and probably even counting on me to keep my shid together. He keeps me company. I am not alone

DBM: You don’t miss the warmth of a woman?

Pablo: I’m okay for now.

DBM: Participant 128, Maxton, left a question for you: ‘What gets you out of bed every morning?’

Pablo: My alarm clock. But I force myself out of bed day after day because of my son. I want to be better for him. I want to be strong for him. I want to be available to him. I don’t have the luxury of messing it up or breaking at any point. I don’t have it all figured out. I can only give it my best shot.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pablo: Let me see… I am going to assume your house, containing everything you own and value, has caught fire. After saving your loved ones, you just happen to have time to safely make a final dash in there to save any one item. What would it be, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Peggy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 89: Peggy is my name

DBM: Hi Peggy. How would you describe yourself?

Peggy: Self-confident, very caring, true to myself, rarely bothered by what people say or think about me; never afraid to stand up for what I believe is right, super productive, extremely hopeful and a go-getter.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Peggy: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Peggy: I am still very new to this; I’ve been asked to raise another man’s daughter

DBM: Who asked you to?

Peggy: The mother of the child. She’s late

DBM: Was she sick?

Peggy: Cancer

DBM: Why would she ask of you to raise her child? Has she no family?

Peggy: Not all people feel a close connection to their families. I am certain that her family does not know where she lived; they didn’t know about her pregnancy or the child. She tried her best to fight the battle against cancer, but the chemotherapy process was overwhelming for her to cope. She left her daughter in my care when the doctor informed us that there was pretty much nothing they could do.

DBM: How old is the child?

Peggy: Five years

DBM: Where is her hometown?

Peggy: I don’t know. We were friends for six years, and she never talked to me about her family. She was one of my close friends.

DBM: How was the daughter left in your care?

Peggy: I was at work when one of the staff showed up in my office with her. I asked why she was in my office all by herself, and she said her mother picked her up from school, put a letter addressed to me in her bag, dropped her at my office gate and just left.

DBM: What was in the letter?

Peggy: Authorization to raise her daughter as my own. There was also the name of the child’s father, his contact information and picture.

DBM: The child has a dad. That’s good then, no?

Peggy: Yeah! But the signed letter stated that, I could contact the father to come for her if I felt I couldn’t raise her all by myself.

DBM: Has the father been in the daughter’s life?

Peggy: Not that I know of. He wanted my friend to abort the pregnancy, but she kept it and broke things off with him. He is a married man though. He doesn’t know he has a child.

DBM: Wait, do you want to keep this child?

Peggy: I am considering it

DBM: Why?

Peggy: I am her God-mother. She’s known me all her life, and she loves me. She loves staying at my house.

DBM: How did you hear about her mother’s demise?

Peggy: In the letter, she asked me not to text her phone because she’d deleted all conversation histories and cleared all contacts and call history. She asked me only to call her phone once a month. I called because her daughter wanted to speak to her, but I heard wailing in the background. Whoever answered the phone told me she had passed on.

DBM: How long after dropping her daughter on you?

Peggy: Two days. Her family called back to ask if I knew anything about their deceased daughter

DBM: What did you tell them?

Peggy: Not much

DBM: You mentioned their granddaughter by any chance?

Peggy: No!

DBM: Hmmm!

Peggy: I don’t think I am ‘stealing’ her. Her mother specifically asked me to keep her if I wanted to.

DBM: And you want to?

Peggy: I want to

DBM: Does this kid know her mother is dead?

Peggy: I haven’t told her anything yet.

DBM: When do you plan to?

Peggy: Not anytime soon

DBM: Would this be your first parenting job?

Peggy: Yes

DBM: Do you have any idea as to what you are getting yourself into, in terms of buying groceries, cooking, paying fees and bills, taxiing her to and from school, assisting with homework, helping her nod off to sleep, being a step-mother, etc.?

Peggy: I know how hard it would be, but I can do it.

DBM: I see. Tell me about your plans for the child

Peggy: I am in the process of moving to a really nice neighborhood. My new house is in a safe and respected area, with excellent schools. I want her to grow up with friends who value education.

DBM: I like the sound of that; a great way for her to socially connect

Peggy: Exactly! She naturally loves to read, which is a good thing. Her mother was an avid reader. I am a mathematical genius, so I have started teaching her math skills. I want her to be great in both worlds. I want her to be poised in her capacity to learn and solve problems.

DBM: You really are up for the challenge, huh?

Peggy: I want to try the best I can for her so she can manage her emotions

DBM: Are you financially prepared for this new responsibility?

Peggy: I am intentional about my saving and spending habits. I have always done the best I could to financially prepare me for my future family. I am ready for this.

DBM: I don’t know what to even say; I am happy for you? Lol!

Peggy: You can be happy for me, Dave. It’s scary, but exciting at the same time.

DBM: Well, I commend you not only for the bold step taken, but also your way of approaching this whole challenge.

Peggy: Thank you, sir.

DBM: What is your biggest fear in all this?

Peggy: I have the perfect idea of the kind of future I want for her. I want my baby girl to grow into a strong and independent lady. My only fear is, maybe pushing her so hard when my fantasies about her doesn’t overlap with her interests and tendencies.

DBM: You want my candid opinion?

Peggy: Of course

DBM: Encourage your daughter to study and grow to forge her own path. Allow her to show you who she really is, as a person, before you start putting your own ideas on her.

Peggy: ❤ I’ve got to put my daughter to sleep.

DBM: Alright! Good night!

Image Credit: Kampus Production

Let’s Talk To Gabe

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 68: Gabe

DBM: Hello Gabe. How would you describe yourself?

Gabe: A single parent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gabe: 7-ish

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gabe: I have two friends that are really good to me. One is my Senior Secondary School sweetheart. She was my first love. I have realized that my feelings for her never went away. The second lady was the best friend of my late wife. My wife died 14 months after we married. She left behind our son, whom I have raised all by myself since 2016. My son adores my late wife’s best friend the most, because he bonds with her daughter. They were born the same day, and at the same hospital. They attend the same school and often spend the weekends and holidays in her house or mine. My SSS sweetheart divorced her husband after she realized I was single, and that, we still had feelings for one another. Both ladies are my soul mates; they bring something different in me – which I like very much when I am with each of them. I love the man I become when I am with them. I want to consider marriage and I am confused as to which of the ladies to choose. My son’s favorite is his best friend’s mother. He already addresses her as ‘mummy’. She’s also a single parent. My favorite lady, however, is my SSS sweetheart.

DBM: Okay?

Gabe: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Are you having sex with both ladies?

Gabe: I am. They’re good in bed

DBM: Do they know they are two of them in your life?

Gabe: No, but they have an idea of my friendship with the two of them

DBM: Are you in an exclusive relationship with them?

Gabe: No. I am not dating them officially. It’s the friends-with-benefit kind of situation

DBM: They both understand that is all there is to it?

Gabe: I think so

DBM: But they would want to be in a serious commitment with you?

Gabe: Yes.

DBM: Why is your high school sweetheart your favorite?

Gabe: She gave me an assurance

DBM: Which was?

Gabe: Leaving her marriage to come and be with me, which she did.

DBM: What do you really like about the other lady?

Gabe: She reminds me of my wife.

DBM: And, is that a good or bad thing?

Gabe: It’s good news

DBM: What kind of woman are you looking for in a wife?

Gabe: The two represent everything beautiful I am seeking in a wife

DBM: But you need to make a choice, no?

Gabe: I am in love with both ladies. I know they love me too, Dave. I was thinking I would marry one and secretly continue with the other.

DBM: How about coming clean about your feelings to the both of them?

Gabe: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Gabe: Because I lied to them once when they asked at different times whether I was messing around with the other

DBM: Why did you lie about it?

Gabe: I didn’t want to hurt their feelings

DBM: The respect a man places on a woman, and the valor and maturity he presents in telling her the truth, looking beyond his present circumstances, looking beyond his desires and wants and needs, is the absolute measure of his true character as a person.

Gabe: I am a good man in love with two women.

DBM: Are you under any pressure to marry soon?

Gabe: No, but I would wish to be married by the end of the year

DBM: Give yourself time to choose. Let them know you are dating other women too

Gabe: It wouldn’t be fair to one. She left her marriage for me

DBM: Did you ask her to?

Gabe: No, but I didn’t stop her either when she told me about her decision.

DBM: Both ladies are mature. If you’re to ask any one of them to make a life decision about choosing you as their husband, at least, you owe it to them to choose in full knowledge of all the facts, no?

Gabe: I don’t want to hurt one’s feelings

DBM: Relationships are always risky. It might or not work out somehow, and we’re supposed to take responsibility for our actions when it comes to love.

Gabe: My son will be very happy if I marry the woman he adores. Do I consider his happiness in all this?

DBM: How important is your son to you?

Gabe: He’s my everything

DBM: Even more than the women you’re chasing?

Gabe: He is the love of my life

DBM: Good, because the relationship he has with you is what is setting the template for how he is to relate to every other person in his life and yours.

Gabe: I know

DBM: So, put yourself in his shoes. Which of the women would you have preferred?

Gabe: But do you understand the dilemma I find myself in?

DBM: I do. I am just trying to also put myself in the shoes of the women. If I were to be dating you, I would already know at the back of my head that, anything at all could happen for us not to be together. I would know you are capable of not choosing me; you’re capable of hurting my feelings. But then, I would prefer you rather end things with me in all honesty than a lie. These are your friends, meaning, you genuinely care about them. Why not allow them the dignity of knowing the actual truth about your decision?

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Milk & Honey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 59: Milk & Honey

DBM: Hello Milk ‘n’ Honey. How would you describe yourself?

M&H: I am not the type that falls into the ruse that buying or having the next nice thing will give me the gratification I may be looking for in life. I am okay if people do not choose me to hang out with. I am okay if others have fun without me. I do not attribute my worth to my social presence. I eat healthy and nutritious meals, I drink a lot of water, my mental health is of utmost concern to me; I make sure I am feeling good inside and out, I hardly would take anything too personally or to heart to hurt my feelings. My daily routine is to strive to be better than I was the day before.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

M&H: 8.5 over 10, I think.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

M&H: I’ve had my fair share of being in ridiculous relationships, whereby I was prioritizing love over respect, trust and affection. My third relationship, actually was my wake-up-call to the fact that, being in love with a man should not be the reason for me to stay in a relationship with him. I tolerated certain behaviors in my past relationships that I shouldn’t have, and finally made the difficult decision not to force my heart to people who didn’t deserve my love. I decided to be a single mother if I weren’t dating or married to a solid guy by the age of 36.

DBM: How old are you today?

M&H: 36

DBM: I see

M&H: And I am eight months pregnant.

DBM: Oh, wow! You, did it?

M&H: I did.

DBM: Congratulations!

M&H: Thank you!

DBM: You’re in a relationship, I guess?

M&H: No!

DBM: Okay?

M&H: Five days before ovulation last year, I had sex with someone. I had already made plans with myself to have a baby, and so I decided to find the ‘perfect’ candidate to sleep with during my fertile window.

DBM: ‘Perfect candidate’ meaning?

M&H: He had to be intelligent, kind, courageous and creative.

DBM: Is this a random guy or you already knew him?

M&H: I know him. He’s a friend and colleague from work.

DBM: Is he single?

M&H: No, he’s married.

DBM: I see

M&H: There was and is nothing going on between us.

DBM: So, why did he agree to this?

M&H: He doesn’t know he is responsible for my pregnancy

DBM: But he knows he had unprotected sex with you, no?

M&H: I don’t know. But he knows we had sex that one time

DBM: Really?

M&H: We were slightly tipsy, I think

DBM: Were you drunk?

M&H: Not really, but he was.

DBM: You did not plan this with him, you also mentioned nothing ever going on between you two; how did you manage to get him to sleep with you?

M&H: As I said, he is my friend. I knew his hangouts with friends that weekend. I just happened to be there that evening while they partied.

DBM: Where did the sex happen?

M&H: In my car.

DBM: What was his reaction after the sex?

M&H: We’ve not talked about it.

DBM: He sees you pregnant though, no?

M&H: Yes. He’s congratulated me and is happy for me and the baby-daddy.

DBM: Which baby-daddy?

M&H: Everyone at work thinks I have a secret boyfriend.

DBM: Smh! Including him?

M&H: Especially him. I had to sell that storyline.

DBM: He’s buying it?

M&H: Not sure, because he’s started befriending my girlfriends and asking questions about my imaginary boyfriend.

DBM: Your girlfriends know about your plan?

M&H: Nobody knows.

DBM: So, you truly got pregnant after the action in your car with him?

M&H: Yes!

DBM: That was quick

M&H: I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a mother, even though I had planned the process to the last detail.

DBM: How did you feel when you found out you were expecting?

M&H: I was in shock. I sobbed for hours because I couldn’t believe it could happen to me. I am going to love this baby with all of my heart.

DBM: Are you going to involve the father at any point in time?

M&H: No! I am raising her all by myself.

DBM: It’s a girl?

M&H: Yes! I am having a princess, and she’s going to be the greatest blessing of my life.

DBM: Why don’t you want to involve the guy?

M&H: Dave, I have a mind of my own. I am financially stable and can take care of my needs and that of the baby’s. I am up for the challenge as a single mother, and do not need to depend on him. I take responsibility for my own actions and happiness. Most importantly; I do not think I need a man to feel complete.

DBM: Okay!

M&H: Also, I know he has a girlfriend. A man cheating on his wife is an evidence to me that, he will resort to the same behavior after giving him my attention. I am not settling for a flawed connection.

DBM: Understood. Why did you want to chat with me?

M&H: My pregnancy scenario may not be the best example, but I knew what my dream was. I knew what my life needed the most at this point in time. It was a plan I could achieve, though babies are a gift. I want to encourage anyone with a plan in mind or a dream, to follow through with the steps in pursuing their passions. You can turn your reality into something you believe can make you happy. We are never going to make everyone in our lives happy, no matter what we do or say. That is why we have to realize that, we are the only ones in our lives to understand our decisions and choices; our deepest fears and wishes. Only you know what’s in your best interest.

DBM: I concur.

Image Credits: A&C Photos

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