Tag: Support

Fixing A Hole

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wendy: Dave, should I concern myself about the kinds of friends my husband keep?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know these friends of his personally?

Wendy: No, but something inside me doesn’t trust them to keep him safe.

DBM: Does he feel safe around them?

Wendy: I think so

DBM: Safety is a knowing. It’s a conviction. If he’s convinced in his spirit that hanging out with them feels right, then let him.

Wendy: But what if he doesn’t see what I’m seeing?

DBM: What do you see? Because whatever your intentions are should not rub off negatively on him.

Wendy: I don’t want his character to be corrupted. My husband is a good man, Dave. I fear he will change

DBM: If he’s a good man, let him be his good self even amongst bad company. Good character stands out and does not blend in. Trying to keep someone safe out of fear or insecurity sometimes feels like manipulation.

Wendy: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I just told you what I would have done.

Wendy: You just told me theoretically, what you would have done. Be practical with me

DBM: I would show him that I trust his decision-making and thought processes, and expect the best outcome. If he’s a good man as you claim, then that’s exactly what he would be and do: Good, by himself and by you. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Wendy: If you say so

DBM: Give him the space he needs

Wendy: To spend time with his friends. Ok.

DBM: Well, he’s supposed to have a life of his own outside of you and the children, no?

Wendy: I hear.

DBM: Is that all that is on your mind?

Wendy: No.

DBM: What’s left?

Wendy: How do I let him understand that I get tired handling household chores and the kids all by myself.

DBM: Whoever asked you to be doing everything around the house by yourself?

Wendy: Dave, I’m a wife. He expects these to be done by me but I am tired of cooking, cleaning, washing, attending to the kids etc. It’s too much stress. I work and come home to more work.

DBM: Then stop stressing yourself. Stop doing it all by yourself. There should be enough room for your husband to also step up and be responsible at home. Attend to what is important to you and leave the rest to him to figure out. Take care of your own self because no one else would.

Wendy: You make it sound so simple

DBM: You just told me your husband is a good man. A decent man knows when to step up to add to your happiness. In my home, I support my partner with household chores. Unless I’m overseas and not physically present at home; I help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, I wash dirty dishes as and when, and take out trash. Yes, somebody has to get it done but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your sole responsibility. Do not put house chores on your shoulder because you are a wife.  A man who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing comes through for you – because at the back of his mind, he knows and understands that, nothing makes him happier than seeing you happy. Question is, are you happy?

Wendy: No. I will come back with update.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

GOD Comes Through

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife usually wakes up around 2:30 AM to pray. She will quietly get up and try not to disturb my sleep. Most of the time I will hear the bedroom door gently being opened and closed when she’s heading to the living room. I am not the easiest guy to be married to, and I know my wife a lot of the time cannot deal with my anger and temperament. I am very aware of my flaws and have been trying to work on myself. I was feeling very hungry for whatever reason this specific dawn, and so I got up to go and warm leftover soup in the kitchen.

My wife had her headphones on and was seated at the dinning table, praying. I went to the kitchen, put the soup on fire, lowered the heat and returned to our bedroom to relax on the bed. I didn’t realize when or how but I had dozed off. The next thing I heard was my wife screaming and calling out my name. I woke up inhaling intense smoke coming from the hallway. Flames. Sparks gushing from the kitchen. Our house was on fire and my wife and kids had already run out, screaming for help.

I brought a baggage of insecurities into our marriage that my wife found it very difficult to address because I would always be on the defense. To the extent that I had failed to even admit I had left soup on fire and gone back to sleep. I couldn’t take the blame. By the time the fire truck arrived, our house had burnt down. We lost everything. Dave, my hands were literally on my head while I cried out. I was still barefooted walking from one edge of our compound to the other.

My daily routine suddenly had changed. I was now officially bent on worrying every day about how we were going to start all over again. I would leave our early morning quiet time feeling encouraged by the word of God explained by my wife. My wife takes the bible to its word, she ends up always boosting my confidence in God, but my mid-day, the worries had returned. Man was afraid. Man was in doubt. Man had lost hope. Man couldn’t forgive himself for being reckless. Man couldn’t tell his wife the truth about the soup he left on fire.

Fast forward to five months later. I received a phone call from an unknown number. He was a former school mate. He used to eat from my chop box. We were good friends. He had heard about my incident and wanted us to meet for lunch at his house. The moment he saw me approaching his car, he smiled. I couldn’t smile back but he kept smiling. He put his arm around my shoulder and called me by my nickname. That forced a light smile out of me.

“You look like you haven’t eaten for 30 years. Are you hungry?” he asked. I wasn’t. I just needed money and to be left alone. “You know you’re going to be fine?” he kept whispering, calmly and quietly. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I lost everything that dawn in the fire. Everything that mattered to me. “But you didn’t lose your wife and children. Those are the important people that matter” he spoke. I got to later find out he owned a construction company and the four-bedroom house we were standing in front of was one of the properties he had built to put on the market. He waved the keys in my face, made another silly joke about my posture before handing it over to me.

“God spoke to me. He instructed me to remember you. He has been guiding my decisions. This particular prompting didn’t make sense to me. But he said he had made a promise to your wife. God says he keeps his promises. He says your wife has waited on him for long, and he has to come through for her. Welcome to your new home.”

Some jokes we know are expensive. This wasn’t one of them. Who would have thought a simple act of kindness that happened in Secondary School, 29 years ago, from Form 1 to Form 3; allowing this poor kid to be eating whatever he wanted from my chop box because I had more than enough could create a positive impact on his life. I thought I only was deriving life satisfaction and fulfilment from seeing a friend get fed and feeling thankful. My aid meant nothing to me. It was simply a small gesture but it made a difference in improving his situation. His aid towards me and my family in our time of need made a big difference in our lives. It’s good to know there are still good people left in this world who are willing to come through for others in need of their assistance.

Image Credit: Andrey Karpov

Man like Fynn

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My husband claims he married me because of this strange, yet irritating habit I have of speaking too frequently in a question form. I am a very curious woman, Dave. That cannot be overstated. You tell me you love me; I need to know why you love me. You tell me you are not happy in the marriage, I need to know why you’re unhappy. You tell me you want sex; I need to know why you want to fuck me. These conversations spur learning and enables us to exchange as much ideas as possible. My husband will not admit to this, but it has fueled performance in our intimacy and built the needed rapport and trust between us.

We have been married for 21 years and our son was telling me recently that I am starting to look like his daddy. Apparently, we now share the same mannerisms and I have realized it too. The way I say ‘hello’ on the phone, the way I laugh and talk; the way I approach situations. It’s hard to observe oneself but I think being married to Fynn has helped me to also act in accordance with my beliefs, and have been consistent and reliable in my personal and professional life.

My husband is a very honest man. He has deep compassion and empathy. He understands my problems and would do anything to relieve my burdens or pain. I have never met a man who sincerely cares about the well-being of his wife and child as Fynn does. We first met at a Goil Filling station. He was walking around with a Bic Cristal pen behind his ear, providing customer service at the gas station. He moved to the fuel dispenser near my car to pump and before taking my cash, he asked if I was a single woman.

“Uh, yes!” I nodded, smiling to communicate that I was checking him out too from a distance.

“You know, we should get together some time this week.” He said, so enthusiastically while he took my money and counted it. I was single but not lonely, though often alone. Fynn was charming. He still is, but there was something about his appearance and smile, and the way he talked to me that captivated and held my interest. He brought a blend of strength and sensitivity to our first interaction at the filling station.

I picked him up after his shift one evening to go out on our first date. My observations were these; he was a smart guy. A very confident and curious graduate from Legon. He was also very BROKE. Dave, there is already a lot of pressure on women to do almost everything in the household. The idea of adding the burden of potentially carrying a broke man’s ass could almost be too much. I thought of it, to be honest. Fynn was honest and open about his feelings, pocket and intentions for me, and did not hide his thoughts. I listened to everything he had to say actively, and acknowledged our different viewpoints. I got to know he was unable to find a better job despite putting in the effort.

Fast forward to when he got his master’s degree, started his dream job and then later asked me to marry him. My husband has been consistent in being sensitive to my needs and feelings. He responds to me with so much kindness and support. Every year on our wedding anniversary, he assures me of keeping his promise and vows, and will fulfill his commitments. A man like this, I can depend upon in all aspects of my life. It’s not even about him being faithful to me; It’s about Fynn choosing to be devoted to the growth of our marriage, and standing firm even in challenging times. He walked into my life quietly and has been showing up for me loudly.

Every woman deserves to be with a man who willingly gives freely without expecting something in return. A man who enriches your life and the relationship he intends to build with you. A man who makes you feel valued and cared for without the daily broadcast of his goodness and mercies upon you. A man who treats you well, not just in easy times but when challenges arise. Fynn is a pleasant companion. Every decision or initiative he has taken in these 21 years have been made while considering my needs and wishes.

Image Credit: Chris wade NTEZICIMPA

Let’s Talk To Phyllis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 57: I am Phyllis

DBM: Hello Phyllis. How would you describe yourself?

Phyllis: I am real, I am not fake; I am strong in my faith and firm in my beliefs.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Phyllis: I’ve dated my fiancé for five years and we were already talking marriage this year. I would admittedly have been the luckiest lady to have him as my man three weeks ago, if I hadn’t found out about what he had been up to.

DBM: What has he been up to?

Phyllis: Let me start from the beginning. When we met, he was struggling to find his feet. I had no problem with that because he is smart and a goal chaser. He’s the guy who would work hard when the crunch is on, and still get the result. He’s not been the type that needs someone to motivate him; he’s always encouraging himself. He is strong and resilient, except when he’s being a softie. We’re both trained in the same field and in many ways, I could see the buoyancy that allows me to rise above problems and adversity in him. That was the first connection I felt between us when he approached me at the filling station with his résumé.

DBM: How old is he?

Phyllis: 39

DBM: How old are you?

Phyllis: 36

DBM: Okay

Phyllis: I helped him to find his current job and he’s been doing exceptionally well. He is respected by his peers. He fell sick two years ago and had to undergo three different surgeries. I used part of my savings to help clear his bills. There was this big contract his firm needed to secure, and him being the team lead for that particular assignment didn’t know how to put a convincing presentation together. He knew this was my field, and so he asked for my help. It took me two weeks to put everything in the bid together. I coached him and his team during weekends at home to get them to familiarize themselves with my work. They won the contract for their firm and he got a deserving commission. I was expecting to get my cut from his over 32,000 United States Dollar commission but he did not bring me in on it. His four other teammates made 15,000 USD each, and they all gave me 5000 USD off their cut.

DBM: What was the agreement between you two?

Phyllis: There was no agreement or payment terms discussed. I was just helping a boyfriend to secure a job contract, which eventually, got him a promotion.

DBM: Okay! But has he paid the money you used in clearing his hospital bills?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: Is he expected to pay back?

Phyllis: As a rational human being, I would have made attempts to pay back if I were him. I think because I haven’t specifically asked for the money, he is thinking it’s a gift.

DBM: Is it a gift?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: I see

Phyllis: I needed to use his phone to make a quick phone call because mine was on low battery. He was asleep when I picked the phone. An unread message was on the screen, and it was coming from another woman, telling him she loves him too.

DBM: Meaning, he told her he loves her?

Phyllis: He did! A lot of their chats had been deleted, and so there was nothing to see. I saved her number on my phone and tried to send her MoMo to see the name registered to it. I knew her; my company had worked for her father’s company before. It was their company that awarded my boyfriend’s firm the huge contract.

DBM: The proposal you worked on?

Phyllis: Same one.

DBM: Are you friends with this other lady?

Phyllis: I am not, but I know her

DBM: Why do you think he is dating her?

Phyllis: I confronted him and he told me he is in love with the both of us, and that, I shouldn’t force him to choose.

DBM: What does he mean by ‘don’t force him to choose’?

Phyllis: Dave, I am trying not to involve too many emotions into evaluating his actions, but I realized somewhere along the line, after winning that contract, that he wasn’t putting enough effort to be there for me when I needed him. I was basically the only one going out of my way to make things work in the relationship.

DBM: Was he present to you?

Phyllis: I wouldn’t know, because it seemed like all the little and big things I was doing for him often went unseen and I felt like my presence was actually in the shadow of his selfishness.

DBM: When did he propose marriage to you?

Phyllis: After he recovered from his third surgery.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the type of man he is?

Phyllis: He is a good guy

DBM: Is this ‘good guy’ the right man for you to marry?

Phyllis: Dave, being single can be unbearable, and I don’t know if I am in the right frame of mind right now, but he feels wrong to marry though he is the right man for me.

DBM: Why does he ‘feel wrong’?

Phyllis: I thought we had a strong partnership built on trust. With the introduction of this other woman in his life, I feel like there is this crack in the foundation of what we share.

DBM: Getting married to an unfaithful man has no power to keep the relationship, or even you from experiencing feelings you’d likely rather not have to go through.

Phyllis: What do I do now?

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I would make time for me, so I could find ways to regain my sense of self.

Phyllis: What do I do with him at the meantime?

DBM: Avoid him as much as physically and electronically

Phyllis: But we live together

DBM: Whose house, is it?

Phyllis: Mine

DBM: You have your answer.

Phyllis: He’s the only man I’ve really loved

DBM: I can imagine but being in love is not enough to make a relationship a healthy one. Is what he is doing to you going to make you happy down the line – if he’s unable to stick to only you? You need time to process everything that has happened if you’re uncertain of being able to compromise rather too much.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems