Let’s Talk To Phyllis

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 57: I am Phyllis

DBM: Hello Phyllis. How would you describe yourself?

Phyllis: I am real, I am not fake; I am strong in my faith and firm in my beliefs.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Phyllis: I’ve dated my fiancé for five years and we were already talking marriage this year. I would admittedly have been the luckiest lady to have him as my man three weeks ago, if I hadn’t found out about what he had been up to.

DBM: What has he been up to?

Phyllis: Let me start from the beginning. When we met, he was struggling to find his feet. I had no problem with that because he is smart and a goal chaser. He’s the guy who would work hard when the crunch is on, and still get the result. He’s not been the type that needs someone to motivate him; he’s always encouraging himself. He is strong and resilient, except when he’s being a softie. We’re both trained in the same field and in many ways, I could see the buoyancy that allows me to rise above problems and adversity in him. That was the first connection I felt between us when he approached me at the filling station with his résumé.

DBM: How old is he?

Phyllis: 39

DBM: How old are you?

Phyllis: 36

DBM: Okay

Phyllis: I helped him to find his current job and he’s been doing exceptionally well. He is respected by his peers. He fell sick two years ago and had to undergo three different surgeries. I used part of my savings to help clear his bills. There was this big contract his firm needed to secure, and him being the team lead for that particular assignment didn’t know how to put a convincing presentation together. He knew this was my field, and so he asked for my help. It took me two weeks to put everything in the bid together. I coached him and his team during weekends at home to get them to familiarize themselves with my work. They won the contract for their firm and he got a deserving commission. I was expecting to get my cut from his over 32,000 United States Dollar commission but he did not bring me in on it. His four other teammates made 15,000 USD each, and they all gave me 5000 USD off their cut.

DBM: What was the agreement between you two?

Phyllis: There was no agreement or payment terms discussed. I was just helping a boyfriend to secure a job contract, which eventually, got him a promotion.

DBM: Okay! But has he paid the money you used in clearing his hospital bills?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: Is he expected to pay back?

Phyllis: As a rational human being, I would have made attempts to pay back if I were him. I think because I haven’t specifically asked for the money, he is thinking it’s a gift.

DBM: Is it a gift?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: I see

Phyllis: I needed to use his phone to make a quick phone call because mine was on low battery. He was asleep when I picked the phone. An unread message was on the screen, and it was coming from another woman, telling him she loves him too.

DBM: Meaning, he told her he loves her?

Phyllis: He did! A lot of their chats had been deleted, and so there was nothing to see. I saved her number on my phone and tried to send her MoMo to see the name registered to it. I knew her; my company had worked for her father’s company before. It was their company that awarded my boyfriend’s firm the huge contract.

DBM: The proposal you worked on?

Phyllis: Same one.

DBM: Are you friends with this other lady?

Phyllis: I am not, but I know her

DBM: Why do you think he is dating her?

Phyllis: I confronted him and he told me he is in love with the both of us, and that, I shouldn’t force him to choose.

DBM: What does he mean by ‘don’t force him to choose’?

Phyllis: Dave, I am trying not to involve too many emotions into evaluating his actions, but I realized somewhere along the line, after winning that contract, that he wasn’t putting enough effort to be there for me when I needed him. I was basically the only one going out of my way to make things work in the relationship.

DBM: Was he present to you?

Phyllis: I wouldn’t know, because it seemed like all the little and big things I was doing for him often went unseen and I felt like my presence was actually in the shadow of his selfishness.

DBM: When did he propose marriage to you?

Phyllis: After he recovered from his third surgery.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the type of man he is?

Phyllis: He is a good guy

DBM: Is this ‘good guy’ the right man for you to marry?

Phyllis: Dave, being single can be unbearable, and I don’t know if I am in the right frame of mind right now, but he feels wrong to marry though he is the right man for me.

DBM: Why does he ‘feel wrong’?

Phyllis: I thought we had a strong partnership built on trust. With the introduction of this other woman in his life, I feel like there is this crack in the foundation of what we share.

DBM: Getting married to an unfaithful man has no power to keep the relationship, or even you from experiencing feelings you’d likely rather not have to go through.

Phyllis: What do I do now?

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I would make time for me, so I could find ways to regain my sense of self.

Phyllis: What do I do with him at the meantime?

DBM: Avoid him as much as physically and electronically

Phyllis: But we live together

DBM: Whose house, is it?

Phyllis: Mine

DBM: You have your answer.

Phyllis: He’s the only man I’ve really loved

DBM: I can imagine but being in love is not enough to make a relationship a healthy one. Is what he is doing to you going to make you happy down the line – if he’s unable to stick to only you? You need time to process everything that has happened if you’re uncertain of being able to compromise rather too much.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim