Tag: Trust

In His Spell

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paula: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Paula: I am fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paula: Is it a good time to chat? I promise not to take too much of your time

DBM: It is, sup?

Paula: My husband is a junior pastor sort of to our main resident and presiding pastor. The resident pastor is also the founder of the church. Dave, my husband used to not like our presiding because he thought he was corrupt. Now that the pastor has included him in his circle of friends, he is all of a sudden, his favorite person in the world. He’s acting ignorant of the very actions he used to complain about to me and others close to us. It doesn’t sit right with me.

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Paula: My husband has money. He used to give to our church occasionally. Word on the street was that, he was a womanizer. I didn’t know anything about him. Our church held an all-night service a couple of years ago and he was ushered in to sit right next to me. It didn’t take long for me to realize how hilarious and charming he was. He had an intense interest to want to sit next to me, because he wanted to chat with me, even during worship time. I later found out that our presiding arranged for him to be seated next to me. The presiding preached and it was time for prayers. He called on me and prophesied that; I was still single because my future husband had been held up by so many other single women who also wanted to claim him. And that, I shouldn’t rush into anything serious yet with any other man.

DBM: You must be kidding me!

Paula: David, I laughed when he made that prophesy. Long story short, my husband called my phone and I later found out he was the one seated next to me at the all-night service. He conveyed his struggle in finding the right woman to settle down with. That is how our relationship begun. I am a career woman doing very well for myself. I didn’t need any man’s support then and even now, but my husband insisted on helping with my deepest wishes. If I ignored his offers, he would use other means to uncover something about me and make it come true for me. I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself wrapped in his spell and I was head over heels in love with him.

DBM: Is he a good man?

Paula: To our children, yes. He can be if he chooses to be

DBM: Is he good to you?

Paula: Sometimes.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Paula: No

DBM: Why not?

Paula: Dave, the trust I give is like the love I give. The doors of my heart and the other doors to my life cannot be opened by just anything. Trust opens most of these doors. So, if you break the trust I had in you, I shut the door completely to you.

DBM: You do not trust your husband.

Paula: I don’t.

DBM: Why was he not so trusting of your pastor?

Paula: Because he told me the pastor was taking advantage of some of the vulnerable, pretty young women at the church. He also said he was misappropriating church funds for his personal gain. These were a few of the bad things going on at the church that he was aware of. So, imagine the ones I don’t even know, that is going on.

DBM: People’s actions speak volumes. Sometimes, all you have to do is just listen.

Paula: Yes.

DBM: May your heart have an understanding of GOD; may it also have a fear of GOD’s justice and an awareness of what is in your very own best interest.

Image Credit: Avonne Stalling

Let’s Talk To Sono

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 146: Sono

DBM: Hi Sono. How would you describe yourself?

Sono: A gentle giant with a heart and conscience

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sono: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sono: My entire life has been shaped because of a choice I made. I married a woman who had strong financial values and goals. She was just a secretary when we first met; a secretary who sold ice cream, ice water and fruits as a side job. She baked meat pie and would supply a basic school next to her house before going to work. Barely a year of knowing her, I had rivetted to her habits. We had become teammates with similar values and goals on our finances. My father was reckless with money, and so I grew up seeing my mother always burdened, muffled and irritated. Unfortunately for me, I was almost ending up like my father until I met my wife.

DBM: How old were you when you met your wife?

Sono: 32

DBM: How old was she?

Sono: 25

DBM: How long have you been married?

Sono: 28 years this year

DBM: I see. Congratulations!

Sono: Thank you

DBM: How does your wife think in general?

Sono: Let me tell you the first question she asked me when I expressed interest in her, ‘What did your father teach you about money?’

DBM: For real?

Sono: Yes

DBM: What was your response?

Sono: The truth. I told her I had similar traits and she was like, ‘How much in debt do you owe?’

DBM: Lol!

Sono: She made me understand she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a man with bad financial habits.

DBM: Hmmm! I kind of side with her

Sono: Why?

DBM: That is a woman who knows she deserve a good man. If you want a good woman, you ought to become the type of guy deserving of that good you seek in her. I wouldn’t be comfortable dating a partner who would come into my life to only compound my existing problems.

Sono: That was her attitude towards me

DBM: I like her. She’s good in Math?

Sono: No! My wife always says her financial goals are more behavioral and emotional than anything mathematics related.

DBM: I see

Sono: I’m teaching our sons how to save, budget and spend with caution

DBM: Why is that important?

Sono: As a man, you need to understand how these things work. Unfortunately, many guys with families are spending their entire lives working for money. Ask yourself, how many of these guys are getting ahead in life – even after the hustle?

DBM: Hmmm!

Sono: Thanks to my wife’s insistence, I know how to not worry about money

DBM: 28 years in marriage; rate your experience thus far

Sono: It’s been a journey I’ll choose to take all over again, in a heartbeat. I will choose my wife any day. It’s not been easy; we’ve had our share of problems but we’ve never talked bad about each other to a third party. I have friends who are always complaining in the negative about their spouses, and I realized anytime they did that, it indirectly minimized their spouse’ integrity to some extent in our eyes. That is not a state I would ever want to put the mother of my children. And as my wife would always say, it takes away from the one telling us stories about their spouse’s own character.

DBM: Indeed! How do you deal with disagreements?

Sono: We know we cannot always get along, so whenever there is a heated argument between us, we remind ourselves first, that because we fight doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. We address issues for what they are without blaming the other. I can’t even remember the last time we fought, that we ended up impugning the other’s character or flaws.

DBM: Do you believe love is worth pursuing?

Sono: Love is a good thing, in as much as the people doing the loving are the ones sometimes making relationships complicated. For me, I know what I like about my wife and what I like in my wife. She says I am the right man for her, and I believe she is the right woman for me. There is nothing to this effect. Even when I am mad at her, I know I am angry because I love her so much. I can’t explain what I mean by that but it is what it is. Even with our 28 years history, I cannot confidently say that I know our marriage will survive the long haul. There is no real issue hindering the success of our marriage. In fact, everything is close to perfect with our relationship but I’m still unable to know whether or not things will work out for our good. I don’t know if I will continue loving and choosing her forever, even though at the back of my head, I know I would. I cannot tell whether or not she is pleased with me as her husband. And, it’s okay. That is how love is supposed to be. I am not supposed to see through its fine lines. All I know is, my solid marriage has the capability of falling apart, and it’s my duty to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening to me. I am not comfortable with my happy situation; I’ve not become complacent whatsoever. I’m still putting in the work to achieve the ‘Till death do us part’ bit in my vow to her.

DBM: Is she approaching her marriage to you through this same lens?

Sono: Yes

DBM: Has one woman been enough for you?

Sono: My wife is the only woman I have known in every way since we married. One woman can make you feel alive if you allow her room to grow on you the way you desire to be loved. One woman is enough. We’re just a bunch of selfish, greedy and inconsiderate people coming up with all sorts of excuses to not be trustworthy. I would rather argue with my wife than sleep with another woman.

DBM: Participant 145, July, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?’

Sono: I read her question, and I remember smiling to myself. The nature of my relationship with my wife is such that, we are open and very honest about everything. When I find another woman attractive, she’s the first woman I tell. She’s found many guys attractive; two of my friends have flirted with her and I was the first to be told. We respect our commitment to the extent that, if we tell each other about something, anything, we don’t react poorly towards one other. Liking or finding other people attractive has never been an off-limits conversation to be had in our home. It’s not even about the friendship I’ve built with my wife. We have been able to do 28 years together because we are transparent with information and do not create a reason to doubt the other’s intention.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Sono: This is my question to one after me, what do you know or heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?

DBM: Really? Lol!

Sono: This is where you say, Thank you! 😁

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To July

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 145: July

DBM: Hello July. How would you describe yourself?

July: I exude confidence and will always speak in plain language

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

July: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

July: Trust

DBM: Okay!

July: I want to know what your opinion on trust is. My marriage lacks trust. My husband cannot be trusted, and I don’t feel comfortable believing his love for me

DBM: What has been your expectations of your husband?

July: I used to not have any. Now, I am constantly expecting the worst from him

DBM: Are you happy subjecting yourself to live this way?

July: No! It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s stressful

DBM: What did your husband do?

July: Everything a man can do to destroy every last ounce of trust a woman has for her man

DBM: I’m sorry about that

July: It’s not your fault. I blame myself for believing he’s a good man

DBM: Has he ever been good to you?

July: Yes

DBM: Has he ever been true to you?

July: Yes

DBM: You used to trust in him, no?

July: I did, till he gave me a reason not to

DBM: How long have you been married?

July: Nine years

DBM: You have kids?

July: I do

DBM: What made you fall in love with him?

July: Right now, it’s hard for me to put the love I used to have for him into words

DBM: Why is that?

July: I don’t know why

DBM: What about your husband did you used to find attractive?

July: His patience. Confidence. His cynical sense of humor. He is/was the kindest man I knew. His opinions are loud and different. He is intelligent. An excellent father to our children.

DBM: How was he as a husband?

July: He was a good husband; he was always there when I needed him

DBM: Do you believe he loves you?

July: I used to, but I don’t anymore

DBM: Okay!

July: How do you understand trust?

DBM: I understand it in different ways

July: Which is the first?

DBM: I’m holding a glass and I let it fall. It breaks and cannot be patched to its original state or form

July: Trust is broken in this scenario

DBM: Exactly.

July: So, what do you do?

DBM: There are options: I can choose not to sweat over one broken glass

July: What if it’s a glass that meant something to me?

DBM: You can choose to gather the broken pieces to make an art design for your home.

July: What is your second understanding of it?

DBM: My phone falling on the ground and cracking its screen. That thin one-line crack

July: I have one on my phone

DBM: How did it come about?

July: My children were playing with it

DBM: Have you thrown the phone away?

July: No, it’s not totally damaged

DBM: You still can use it

July: I use it

DBM: You see everything on the screen?

July: I do

DBM: A man betraying your trust in him can also represent that same thin, one-line crack on your phone. It never means the phone is damaged. It doesn’t mean you should throw your phone away, knowing very well it’s usable.

July: What if the crack wasn’t a thin line, but a full screen crack to destroy the phone’s beauty and originality?

DBM: You have changed your phone’s screen before, no?

July: I used to. Now, I buy new phones when my screen is totally cracked. I throw the damaged one in the garbage

DBM: That is understandable, but you can equally get it fixed

July: Yeah

DBM: Somewhere, deep down inside, of every man is that spark to do right by people

July: Hmmm!

DBM: Again, the fact that you can get the broken phone screen fixed doesn’t necessarily mean you have to keep it in your life

July: It is nearly impossible for me to trust my husband. I don’t know if I can get back that glue that kept the bond intact.

DBM: What’s your fear now?

July: Giving him a second chance only to be hurt by him again

DBM: Have you ever made a mistake before?

July: Dave, a mistake would be having too many drinks at a friend’s party and waking up next to a naked man, lying next to my naked body. I can argue on the grounds of a mistake, if I cannot recall parts of the night out.

DBM: Agreed

July: He had the perfect opportunity to weigh up the option of him honoring a wife that loved him, and having an affair. He made a decision to choose one of his options. If you claim to love and care about me, you will not do something to hurt me

DBM: I concur

July: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You can forgive him

July: And then what?

DBM: Believe that he is capable of doing right by you

July: Is that the only option?

DBM: You can go your separate ways, still with love and forgiveness in your heart for him. There is beauty in walking away with grace and dignity.

July: Thank you for making time to chat with me.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 144, Alistair, left a question for you: ‘If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?’

July: Barack Hussein Obama II. He once said, he knows very well that at every corner, there is a lady more beautiful than his wife, but there is something about Michelle Robinson Obama that is beyond beautiful. Michelle was, and is his final choice to commit to intimately because she gives him the most satisfaction. He does not love her in this manner because they’re married, but because Michelle, as a woman, makes for a great choice.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

July: Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Let’s Talk To Mamle

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 136: Mamle

DBM: Hi Mamle. How would you describe yourself?

Mamle: Radiant, scrumptious, gorgeous, fun to be with, hardworking, troublesome, peaceful, friendly and very active

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Mamle: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mamle: My boyfriend is on my case as we speak to agree to his request of recording us while having sex. I am not comfortable with it; I have made it known to him but he keeps giving me pressure.

DBM: Have you asked his reasons for such a request?

Mamle: He says our sex life is something he thinks about a lot because he cherishes it, and so, having it videoed for him to be watching it every now and then would add to the beauty of it. It’s a recording he claims would be viewed by just the two of us.

DBM: Would you want to have such a footage of yourself on phone?

Mamle: Never

DBM: So, tell him that

Mamle: I have, but he keeps bringing it up. He’s been sending me recordings of him masturbating, etc.

DBM: What do you do with such videos?

Mamle: I watch them, and keep it on my phone.

DBM: Why?

Mamle: It turns me on sometimes

DBM: And, you give him such feedback?

Mamle: I do. It excites me in so many ways. And these random moments are build-ups to us meeting and having sex on the regular. I appreciate it when he sends me videos of himself doing things. I don’t ask for them, he sends them my way voluntarily

DBM: Have you also captured yourself on camera doing things for him?

Mamle: No. I don’t trust the internet

DBM: Imagine your sex tape with him becoming available publicly?

Mamle: That is what I cannot imagine.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Mamle: 4 years

DBM: What is the end goal?

Mamle: To make a lifetime commitment together

DBM: In marriage?

Mamle: Yes

DBM: How old are you?

Mamle: 33

DBM: Him?

Mamle: 36

DBM: What’s his profession?

Mamle: He’s an Accountant

DBM: You?

Mamle: A nurse

DBM: I see

Mamle: A part of me wants to give in because it’s something that I know would make him very happy

DBM: Why is a part of him not willing to respect your discomfort?

Mamle: I also don’t understand

DBM: I know a lot of women who couldn’t overcome the temptation of compromising themselves, all because a reward of love was put on the table. Question is, is he worth risking the unknown?

Mamle: I love him and he loves me too

DBM: Do you trust him?

Mamle: I do

DBM: How do you measure your trust in/for him?

Mamle: I don’t understand the question

DBM: Let’s assume your relationship suddenly ends on a bad note, would your mind be at peace knowing he’s got your nudes and videos on his phone – and that, you trust it wouldn’t be all over the internet?

Mamle: No

DBM: Okay!

Mamle: But how about we record it, and then delete it a few days after watching it?

DBM: How about you film it alright, but then his phone or yours gets stolen the next morning?

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: The lust I know in men knows no boundaries

Mamle: He will be cautious; I know my boyfriend

DBM: Good luck with that

Mamle: He’s not the type of guy to be making unnecessary demands of me. This is his first serious request and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t trust or denying him. Moreover, you are the same people always preaching compromise in relationships on your platforms. Isn’t it the same?

DBM: I believe in compromising, but to some extent. I will not compromise too much to the extent of losing myself. It’s never okay to overcompensate, simply because it makes the other person happy.

Mamle: I understand

DBM: Do you feel like already, you’re giving away more than you should of yourself – all in the name of love?

Mamle: I don’t know

DBM: If you’ve ever been cautioned intuitively about certain things you’re doing in the relationship, simply because it’s what your boyfriend wants or is pleased with; if deep down it feels like a red flag to you, then please don’t be sweeping it under the carpet that easily

Mamle: I’ve heard you. Dave, my second problem is, I do not know for sure if he’s going to marry me.

DBM: Have you brought the marriage conversation up with him?

Mamle: Many times

DBM: And?

Mamle: He is not ready to get married

DBM: Are you?

Mamle: I’ve been ready for a long time

DBM: Why is he not ready?

Mamle: I don’t know. He says he will marry me at the right time

DBM: How do you know you’re ready to marry your boyfriend?

Mamle: I love him, and I don’t want to remain single for so long

DBM: But you’re not single

Mamle: I’m unmarried, so still single

DBM: I see. Has he a timeline he’s working with to marry you?

Mamle: Not that I know of

DBM: So, sit him down and create a time-table that would work for the both of you.

Mamle: Would that not be putting pressure on him?

DBM: It’s all about coming to a compromise to plan your future with him. It’s not about you insisting, but discussing the next step within a favorable time-frame together

Mamle: And what if he’s still indecisive about marriage?

DBM: There was a point in my life, I could genuinely love someone, but at the same time desire and want something totally different – that did not include the one person I loved in the picture. I can be in love with you, and still not be the best choice of a spouse for you. You know that, no?

Mamle: He’s all I know

DBM: There’s more to know

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 135, Chibueze, left a question for you: ‘If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?’

Mamle: This is a hard one. Distance can impact my emotional connection with someone I love. It can make me feel neglected, even though we might be communicating on phone. And if the neglected me is to meet someone close-by I connect with, it will eventually start to feel like I have someone in my life. My intention may not be to have an affair but I may end up having an affair.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Mamle: How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Letticia Massari

Let’s Talk To Asher

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 132: Asher is fine

DBM: Hi Asher. How would you describe yourself?

Asher: Funny, cocky, confident, charming and assertive

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Asher: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Asher: I’m a social media influencer with over 30k followers. For some time now I’ve been reading messages from people asking for my help. I’ve been contemplating on asking for donations from my followers to help support those asking for help. I know you’ve had similar experiences in the past and would want to know how to go about it.

DBM: Raising money for a good cause is a good thing. I commend you for considering it

Asher: Thank you! Why don’t you crowdfund anymore on your platform?

DBM: I got to know some people were playing smart with me.

Asher: How?

DBM: They were in the habit of jumping from one platform to the other with all sorts of sad stories just to get financial support.

Asher: I understand, but there are genuine cases too

DBM: Yes

Asher: How were these monies being sent to you?

DBM: They weren’t sent to me.

Asher: I don’t understand

DBM: I usually would ask the person in need of help, if they’d be comfortable sharing their mobile money number, so I attach to the post

Asher: Money transfers weren’t sent directly to your MoMo?

DBM: No. If I can recall, only four people have specifically asked to send their donations to my number/bank account, to be forwarded to the persons in need. Anytime such happened, I would take screenshots of their messages and transfer receipts and post publicly. I make public posts with screenshots also of me transferring the funds to the individuals in need.

Asher: Why didn’t you want to raise the funds using your number?

DBM: I have just one mobile number, and I wasn’t comfortable putting it out there. I’m a very private person and wouldn’t want to be engaging so many people on phone

Asher: But you interact with a lot of people on Facebook

DBM: Yes

Asher: What is the difference here?

DBM: My phone number is personal; I don’t have a lot of contacts on my phone, and I am very okay with that. Also, because I receive a dozen inbox messages on Facebook each day, I’m unable to respond to every single one of them. Some people because of that, would call or WhatsApp at will – if my number was out there.

Asher: You don’t want to talk to people?

DBM: I’m not good at that. My phone can go three days without a ring from anyone, and that makes me happy.

Asher: Not even WhatsApp?

DBM: I WhatsApp every day, but with just one or two people at most

Asher: Wow! But what if the person seeking your help isn’t okay sharing their number publicly?

DBM: I give them options to find a trusted relative or friend to use their numbers, or I’d simply use my discretion to find one FB follower that people trust to use their number to collect the donations.

Asher: Is it because you don’t trust yourself with money?

DBM: I trust myself with money; I just don’t want to be responsible for, and involved with other people’s money.

Asher: Alright! I want the donations to be made directly to my MoMo

DBM: Okay!

Asher: I feel like I’d be the best person to account for it

DBM: Sure

Asher: Also, I want people to know about what I’m doing for others. It’s all part of the branding

DBM: Okay!

Asher: Do I have to give the entire amount received to the person in whose name I raised the funds?

DBM: Yeah!

Asher: Would it be unprofessional if I gave 80% and kept the 20%?

DBM: Kept it for what?

Asher: As my ‘well-done’ benefit or even use it for other good causes? Money isn’t easy to come by these days

DBM: If your motive truly is to assist others in need, then it’s wrong to take from what they’ve been given. If you’ve ever been in the position to ask a stranger for help, you’d realize you do so because you feel there isn’t anyone else out there you feel safe enough to confine in; someone who would understand your predicament, and if possible, offer help. So, if they tend to see you as that person they can trust, and feel comfortable opening up to, then you owe them your honesty to say the least.

Asher: I will think about it. Is there any other way I can use my platform to raise money to support the needy?

DBM: You can charge people with small businesses who would want to advertise their goods and services on your page, and then use the money for your intended charity projects.

Asher: Thanks Dave

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 131, Ira, left a question for you: ‘Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?’

Asher: I still have this strange attachment to the last woman I dated. She’s moved on but I’ve not. I did some bad stuff and she couldn’t trust me anymore. I believe she was the right person for me; however, I betrayed her trust and it hurt her feelings. I did care about her, though I was selfish with some of my decisions. She has totally cut ties with me, and I have learned my lesson as to why our relationship didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I wish I could stay friend with her but she’s not ready for that.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Asher: What do you enjoy about your job?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Monstera

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Ladybird

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 50: Ladybird

DBM: Hi Ladybird. How would you describe yourself?

Ladybird: I have my shit together. I am a strong woman

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ladybird: My father’s straightforward dishonesty has had a mammoth effect on my opinions of men. I am supposed to be getting married in March, and I can’t find it in me to believe my fiancé is any different from my father.

DBM: What did your father do to you?

Ladybird: It’s not about what he did to me, but what he put my mother through. My father is the kindest man I’ve ever seen, but he’s not been faithful to my mother – for as long as I can remember. He takes risks for other women, but never for my mother.

DBM: Is your mother his wife?

Ladybird: Yes! They’ve been married for 37 years

DBM: What has your father’s character got to do with your man?

Ladybird: They’re good friends. In fact, my dad calls him ‘son’. Dave, ‘show me your friend…’

DBM: ‘And I will show you your future’

Ladybird: Thank you! My dad has so much influence on my guy, and my fiancé also knows about the deeds on my father. He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his behavior. One of his colleagues at work told me just recently, that my guy used to introduce single ladies to my dad.

DBM: How long has he known your dad?

Ladybird: Longer than I have known him. He used to work for dad. I love my father, don’t get me wrong, but I do not trust him.

DBM: I understand what you mean

Ladybird: I feel like I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life

DBM: You’re talking about marriage?

Ladybird: Yes! Since I found out my man used to introduce girls to my dad, I can’t help but to look at the both of them with disgust.

DBM: Have you asked him about the gossip fed to you?

Ladybird: I have. He laughed and said, ‘don’t mind them’

DBM: Lady, people around us judge us from their perceptions and opinions of what or who they think we are. If we are to simply jump on, or believe every observation made about us by people who do not have a clue about our upbringing, and allow what they say to impact our experiences with the people we care about, then it’s going to be hard for you to love on anyone based on your own truth about them.

Ladybird: I get that part

DBM: You need to know and experience people for yourself, without somebody else throwing reasons in your face

Ladybird: My father is a liar, and a cheat. Nobody’s opinion informed me on this. He’s repeatedly broken the trust that he’s entitled to in his marriage to my mother.

DBM: Noted! How about your boyfriend, has he given you any reason to doubt him?

Ladybird: Not really, but I suspect he is no different from my father

DBM: How so?

Ladybird: He is often on his phone, and some calls and texts are taken outside. He ignores certain phone calls when he is seated next to me. And, just like my father, he is of the opinion that a man has the right to do whatever he wants. He can be very self-centered.

DBM: How long have you guys been dating?

Ladybird: Four years.

DBM: I see

Ladybird: He is the ‘Mr. I know it all’, just like my father. He also drinks a lot. I hate to be making all these comparisons at this crucial time of my engagement, but he’s also a charmer. He will charm the panties off any woman.

DBM: Then, he may be doing just that.

Ladybird: Exactly what I have been thinking all this while. Dave, I am not assuming on him, but I strongly feel he is able to lie to me just as easily as my father does with my mom. Whenever he comes home, he has very little to discuss about his life outside. He would rather talk about other unimportant issues than to speak about his real activities in the day. Because he doesn’t want to be caught up in his web of lies, should he speak more

DBM: He is not your father’s image; I hope you know that?

Ladybird: I know

DBM: Good! What about him made you accept his proposal?

Ladybird: I was first attracted to his style of dressing, impeccable. I also liked that he put his family first at all times. I liked the way he spoke, and he’s a smart-ass.

DBM: Okay! Do you love him?

Ladybird: I do, and I am scared

DBM: Why are you scared?

Ladybird: I feel like he’s going to let me down already.

DBM: We are all capable of letting people down. People fail us, just as we sometimes also disappoint others. No one is perfect. The question you need to be asking yourself is, is your guy the type that would rather choose not to display these negative attributes in order not to betray your trust in him?

Ladybird: I don’t trust him 100%

DBM: Are you going ahead with your wedding in March?

Ladybird: Would you, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: If I am in love with you, then I should be able to count on you to be reliable; I should be able to count on you to have my back; to do what is right and do right by me. Those are the only conditions that would inspire me to want to take the next step in a relationship.

Ladybird: I doubt my guy, and I am not sure about his fidelity and dependability.

DBM: Fair enough. However, do not forget that he is not solely responsible for creating the distrustful feelings you’re entertaining. You’re equally to take responsibility due to the effect your father’s way of life has had on you.

Image Credit: Polina Kovaleva

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