Tag: Unhappiness

10th Anniversary Message

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Monica: David, happy new year

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Happy New Year

Monica: Are you still having conversations with people?

DBM: No!

Monica: Why?

DBM: I am on break

Monica: Till when?

DBM: February

Monica: Oh, what I want to discuss with you is urgent Mr. Bondze Mbir. Please?

DBM: Are you at a point of wanting to end your life?

Monica: No

DBM: Then it can wait, no?

Monica: It would be too late by February. It shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes of your time

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Monica: My husband wants to celebrate our 10 years marriage anniversary by recreating with me, our ‘how we met’ story and filming it for our children to watch in the future. He has hired two videographers, one for me and the other for him to capture the circumstances leading to us meeting for the first time and our first date. He wants me to take advantage of this opportunity to tell or ask him anything else I might have forgotten to draw his attention to during our dating era, so we can watch the video as a reminder to do better for one another in the next ten years of our marriage.

DBM: It’s a thoughtful suggestion from him. What did you do to mark your 9th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: How about on your 5th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: 1st anniversary?

Monica: Nothing. We have never celebrated any of our marriage anniversaries, even when I remind him. As long as the years keep adding up, he’s ok.

DBM: How do I fit in all this?

Monica: I am willing to participate in his idea however; there are certain things I have come to know about my husband in these past 10 years that has really been a disappointment in my opinion. He is a great pretender and performer to outsiders. People look at me and automatically assume I have the best marriage and husband ever. He knows how much I love him and our family, and I think he’s been riding on that to often take me for granted when he comes home. In the presence of people, he is an Oscar winning actor to put on a great show for people to think he treats me right. He is sweet and nice to the wives of our close friends but harsh and mean to me at home. He speaks nicely and proudly about me to people but never to me in person, unless he wants sex. He is quick to criticize everything I do but would not tolerate it when I draw his attention to his own flaws.

DBM: I know men like that. Flattery goes to their head to blow them high, while criticisms go straight to their hearts to hurt their feelings. In their minds, they’re the only ones who can give or offer criticism but cannot take it.

Monica: David, that is my husband’s attitude. The other disappointment is, he’s been involved in two different affairs that I know of, unbeknownst to him.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Monica: I do

DBM: Are you still in love with him?

Monica: I am

DBM: Do you still want to do marriage with him in the equation?

Monica: Yes

DBM: Take advantage of his video documentation idea to let him know what you’ve come to understand about him after all these years.

Monica: I don’t know how to go about it, David. Also, I am scared I might say something that could ruin the whole anniversary celebration on camera.

DBM: Let’s role play. Act as your husband and let me use the little information you have given about him to address you – without hurting your/his feelings.

Monica: Ok

DBM: What’s his name?

Monica: Papa Yaw

DBM: PY, happy anniversary to us. Thank you very much for doing 10 years of marriage with me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you. It’s been a pleasure loving you. I do love you but as I have observed over the years, I have only gotten the least of you. You give the best of you to the people you are trying so hard to impress, while I get the least of you. That has been my lived experience with you in this marriage. I am not mad at you. I only disappointed in my husband. Papa Yaw, if I am going to do the next 10 years of marriage with you, I would only ask that should you feel the need to continue performing to look good in the eyes of people, at least, do not stop with the charade when you walk through the doors of our matrimonial home. Pretend with me too. Make me believe you genuinely are that much into me. Make me believe you love me. Make me believe you care about me. Don’t just come home to a wife because home is your safe space; give a performance for me to equally feel safe with you at home. Let me feel protected even if it’s just for show. Please let that become the new normal because how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Monica: He’s not going to get angry after hearing this?

DBM: When will you both watch the final film?

Monica: After the two videographers have combined our separate shoots.

DBM: So, you don’t see what you both say or do until the final edit?

Monica: Yes.

DBM: It’s a good message to him. He will hear you.

Monica: Okay.

DBM: You’re doing the right thing when you let your partner decide what your truest concerns are worth in a relationship or marriage.

Monica: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Kuda Foto

Let’s Talk To Lizy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 114: Lizy

DBM: Hello Lizy. How would you describe yourself?

Lizy: I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong and independent person. My friends and family tell me I’m smart and kind. Nothing comes between me and a goal I set for myself. If I want something, I go for it. I do my best to be self-reliable. Hence, it’s difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. When I love, I go all in, which sometimes blinds my rationality, but hey, we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lizy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Lizy: My fiancé and I are preparing to get married. However, we are at a road block. His religious doctrines do not align with mine. He’s neither ready to compromise or find a middle ground. He wants me to join him in his church or, better still, continue going to my church. I’ve visited his church a couple of times, and I know within me that that’s not the lifestyle I want for myself. I would want us to have unity of purpose in all aspects of our lives. I’m ready to let him go, but he will have none of it. I feel I’m wasting my time with him but he thinks otherwise. I’m lost.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Lizy: Since 2015

DBM: So, basically your concerns are about the differences in religious doctrines?

Lizy: There are others but this is the straw breaking my back. He’s not kind towards me. I’ve observed that with his mother too. He’s always concerned about the future. Not that I don’t but I’m of the opinion that I must be alive first in order to enjoy the future. Because of this, he thinks I waste money, which is not the case. I work hard for my money, so the least I can do for myself is to be comfortable.

DBM: Do you see yourselves coping in a compatible way based on, maybe, similar values?

Lizy: Dave, I don’t want to cope in my marriage. At least it didn’t turn out well for my mother. Interestingly, most of his values are directly linked to the doctrines he practices in church. I see a lot of disagreements in my future marriage and I wouldn’t want to go in knowing this.

DBM: Has he the capacity to be kind to you – if you’re to predict a future with him?

Lizy: He’s more than capable of being kind to me. At first, I was demonstrating it to him, but it was not being reciprocated, so recently, I’ve stopped. We’ve discussed it. I made him aware that kindness is one of my love languages but in his defense, he claims I’m not yet his wife and so he has no responsibilities towards me. I understand that. However, knowing the person I’m dealing with, it’s not going to change in marriage. I believe that if you love someone, you show it. He’ll only do things for you out of convenience and if he has something to gain.

DBM: I see. So, this table you both find yourselves seated by, is love being served?

Lizy: From his angle, he thinks he’s loving me the best way he could. From my end, I think he’s doing the barest minimum to keep me around.

DBM: Has he the desire to give you what you need, i.e.: his consistent presence, respect, genuine concern and maybe, the foundation of something real and meaningful outside of sex?

Lizy: The truth is, we are cohabiting at the moment (I have the means to rent my own place though- currently putting plans in place to move out). The desire is not there. He thinks I’m ungrateful and don’t appreciate what he does for me. Although we are in the same space, he’s mostly unavailable to me (not physically) unless he needs my help with something.

DBM: What did you find attractive about him to want to be in a relationship with him?

Lizy: From start, his sense of self assurance and control (he seems to have it all together). After a couple of years, I fell in love and I held on to it. I held on to the hope that things will get better for us. But as we grew together, he seems to develop different priorities. My mistake was and still is hoping against all odds. I don’t know how to move on after being with someone for this long. After my high school sweetheart- childish love, he’s the only man I’ve known.

DBM: What time is it now for you? Is it the period you feel that your future happiness depends on a fresh start, or just giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Lizy: I feel I need a fresh start. Giving benefits of the doubt is what has gotten me here. But the question I keep asking is where and how am I starting?

DBM: Can you describe what a happy relationship looks like for you?

Lizy: A relationship that I’m at liberty to be my authentic self and express my exact feelings without being judged or gaslighted. One that there’s mutual respect and support for each other’s life goals. A relationship where I’m viewed as a partner and not a competition. A relationship that will challenge me to be progressively better, one that will make me wake in the morning and be thankful that someone has got my back.

DBM: In a balanced relationship, what are you not willing to compromise?

Lizy: My sanity, happiness and true self.

DBM: What is it like to be you right now?

Lizy: In an ideal situation or in reality? Because in reality, being in my shoes right now means having to bottle up a lot of your feelings because you don’t want to be told it’s all up in your head. Being me means taking care of everyone else except yourself. Being me right now means being constantly tired emotionally and physically because you are trying your best to meet the expectations of you while also finding a way to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself, which brings you meaning. Finally, being me in reality means you are at a breaking point where you feel empty because this is not the life you wish for yourself; nothing makes meaning anymore.

DBM: Hmmm! Do you believe you are each other’s soul mate?

Lizy: I don’t believe there’s something like that. I believe no one is indispensable.

DBM: Is your fiancé your biggest advocate?

Lizy: For my life decisions?

DBM: All inclusive: your general well-being, etc.

Lizy: No. After myself, my sister is my biggest advocate. Verbal advocacy, yes. Advocacy in deed, no.

DBM:  Oh wow! So, how often would you say the two of you laugh together?

Lizy: Our laughing is inconsistent. This week, we are laughing together and then next week, we are angry at each other – more of silent treatment.

DBM: Are you content with the level of intimacy that you share with him?

Lizy: Physical? Yes. Other aspects such as emotional, no.

DBM: What would be a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you ever overlooked one in your current relationship?

Lizy: Cheating. So far, we’ve not had any issues regarding it.

DBM: My last question is, do you see yourself having an affair in the future – if you’re to marry your fiancé?

Lizy: Nope. However, I will mostly be unhappy.

DBM: I get it. Hmmm! Thank you for engaging me.

Lizy: You are welcome. Thank you too for making the time.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

Let’s Talk To Marc

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 65: Call me Marc

DBM: Hello Marc. How would you describe yourself?

Marc: A family man; husband to my wife, father to my children.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Marc: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Marc: My wife has not returned to the house since Thursday of January 12th this year. Suddenly, I am my kids only parent.

DBM: How many children do you have?

Marc: I have two wonderful kids

DBM: Do you know where your wife is?

Marc: No, but she speaks to me and the kids on phone sometimes

DBM: Do you know when she would be returning home?

Marc: She says she needs some time alone

DBM: How are the kids managing in her absence?

Marc: My son says she was at their school the Thursday afternoon, to inform them about her decision to go away. She bought phones for them and have been calling and sending them money.

DBM: How old are your children?

Marc: 11 and 9

DBM: What are your in-laws telling you?

Marc: Nothing. They do not know where she is

DBM: Does your wife have a job?

Marc: She resigned before the 12th of January

DBM: Did you know?

Marc: I found out from her employers on the 13th of January, when I went to her workplace.

DBM: Do you know why she’s taken off?

Marc: Apparently, she told my children before leaving that she had been trying to convince herself that she was happy being with me when she was not.

DBM: She speaks with you sometimes, no?

Marc: Yes

DBM: What has she told you?

Marc: She’s leaving the marriage

DBM: Is this a conversation you’ve both had, prior to January 12?

Marc: Yes, and I made it clear I wasn’t in agreement. I love my wife, and will be willing to do anything to save our marriage

DBM: In your opinion, is your marriage working?

Marc: My marriage is just like any other relationship; there is nothing perfect about it. I am equally paying the tough price in order to create and maintain a happy home for us.

DBM: Do you think you could be struggling with accepting that, maybe, something isn’t working in your marriage – and that could be the reason why your wife had to walk away?

Marc: Massa, no relationship is easy. Even the best of marriages have issues in there that they deal with daily. We have our issues to work out, and I have been here, willing to talk it out. I have made a lot of sacrifices and changes – just to accommodate my wife

DBM: Why is your wife unhappy?

Marc: That’s the question she’s refusing to answer. She once told me she feels alone and trapped, and that, it wasn’t about me.

DBM: Do you think she found herself in a relationship that was a wrong fit?

Marc: Dave, marriage is like having a second good job. Most great jobs may pay well but that doesn’t mean they’re comfortable and easy. Whenever I get home, I know I am entering into my second, full-time job. I take off work and put on family. I roll up my sleeves and start working on what needs to be done

DBM: Like?

Marc: Giving my wife a hug or kiss, asking about her day, checking on the children and asking about their day; eating if there is food etc. My wife is my best friend, and truly one of the best human beings alive

DBM: Are you her best friend?

Marc: I’d want to believe so. She treats me right, even though I realized she was drifting apart as at last year.

DBM: What do you think your wife feels is missing in your marriage?

Marc: I don’t think I know

DBM: Do you know what she is searching for that she couldn’t possibly find in you?

Marc: Maybe, a new man. That could be my only answer. I am a good man Dave

DBM: I don’t doubt that. Question is, why couldn’t your good self be enough for her?

Marc: Can I ask you a question?

DBM: Ask away

Marc: Do you believe in marriage?

DBM: I do

Marc: How would you know your person is enough for you?

DBM: When I am not putting more of my effort into making the relationship work than I am enjoying being with my partner (who would/should qualify as the love of my life)

Marc: David, how do you know someone is the love of your life?

DBM: I just would know.

Marc: How?

DBM: I am supposed to be asking you the questions

Marc: Bruv, we’re having a chat to help me understand things from a different perspective

DBM: When I do not have to wonder where my relationship with you is heading; when I do not have to question whether or not you care about me, because I would already know how much you love me. This is due to the fact that you step up every day in your actions to make it clear to me that, you want me in your life, just as I am

Marc: Hmmm!

DBM: What is your intuition telling you?

Marc: My wife is not in love with me, and I am the one forcing her to stay with me

DBM: Do you see your wife happy with you?

Marc: I can make her happy

DBM: I believe you can, but is she in awe of you as her man?

Marc: I don’t think so

DBM: Do you believe she knows you’re a good man?

Marc: She does

DBM: Good is just not good enough for some people. I see marriage to be for one’s pleasure

Marc: My wife is my greatest pleasure

DBM: Are you her greatest pleasure? These are some of the questions you need to ask. She may be making you happy but you clearly aren’t her definition of happiness

Marc: We’ve done almost 13 years of marriage

DBM: Letting go can sometimes feel impossible, especially when you do not have much about someone or something to complain about. But it’s the right thing to do to let go, if your wife feels lonely and caged with you in her life.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Hanson

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 40: Hanson, for now

DBM: Hi Hanson. Please tell me a little about yourself

Hanson: Married – Father – Employed – Simple dude

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hanson: I intend to suggest to my wife, we take a break

DBM: A break from what?

Hanson: The marriage

DBM: Can you explain further

Hanson: I need time to rethink; I need time to not be her husband in order to get clarity.

DBM: How much time are we talking about here?

Hanson: At most, a year. I will still be involved in the children’s lives; I will make sure the family’s needs are met.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Hanson: Almost 10 years

DBM: Are you unhappy in the marriage?

Hanson: I am grateful for the experience so far, but I still want to explore what not being a husband feels like.

DBM: I know how it feels like; it’s called being single. You were once a bachelor, no?

Hanson: I need time to look at my marriage from a distance, and also, spend more time on personal growth.

DBM: And this can’t be done while at home with your wife and children?

Hanson: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: To a place where our children would have the capacity to look adversity in the eyes with courage, and to never find a middle ground when it comes to their beliefs to please others.

DBM: Those are great expectations for the kids. Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: I don’t know how to answer the question

DBM: Jobs let people down. Children grow up and move away from their parents’ homes. Is your marriage rock-solid to make you that ultimate team player, playing on your wife’s side?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Why not?

Hanson: The demands of our day interfere with our relationship

DBM: When you think of your marriage, what are the first words that comes to mind?

Hanson: Too much work

DBM: Marriage is work

Hanson: You don’t think I know?

DBM: Do you feel valued?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Do you feel alone?

Hanson: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the problem? You want a divorce?

Hanson: I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to be married. That is the problem

DBM: Why don’t you want to be married?

Hanson: I am not mentally healthy to be a husband

DBM: And, when did this occur to you?

Hanson: In the third year of our marriage

DBM: Why did you continue with it?

Hanson: Our first child had been born by then

DBM: Are you genuinely committed to your wife for the long haul, with or without marriage?

Hanson: Dave, I just don’t want to be a husband.

DBM: To just your wife or any other woman?

Hanson: To my wife

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Hanson: Sometimes, yes!

DBM: Are you contemplating on the break to reflect on what you can do to make forever with your wife a possibility?

Hanson: I need a break to be sure I made the right decision

DBM: To be married to your wife?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: What do you need from your wife that you feel like you’re not getting?

Hanson: Space, and less of her in my face

DBM: Define space

Hanson: Dave, you’re not making this any easier for me

DBM: I’m only trying to understand how you’re feeling

Hanson: Deep inside, I’m broken. And it’s taking its roots from within.

DBM: Was this feeling present before or after marriage?

Hanson: Before

DBM: And, was this conversation had with your wife?

Hanson: She knew I had issues

DBM: But did you talk about it?

Hanson: We did!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Hanson: I felt it was important to her. She was happy about the decision

DBM: And, did the decision bring you joy in the process?

Hanson: She was happy, so I was happy

DBM: For her?

Hanson: I guess

DBM: What does being married means to you?

Hanson: It means being on her team; having her as my teammate in life, and cheering each other on

DBM: What are your top three priorities right now?

Hanson: My children, my sanity and purpose in life.

DBM: Does your purpose in life include being a husband to your wife?

Hanson: You keep asking the same question over and over. My wife has been clinging to this whole marriage thing too tightly, I am losing my breath

DBM: How so?

Hanson: That is why I am saying I need a break to figure it out. Something is not working in our marriage for me.

DBM: What are you grateful for, when you think about your wife?

Hanson: She lives within her means, and she’s a good mother.

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to her?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Is she sexually attracted to you?

Hanson: I think so

DBM: Was it ever part of your plans to start a family?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: And, did you ever imagine getting married only to end in a divorce?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Is there something you’re afraid to tell your wife?

Hanson: She’s not the wife I want to be married to

DBM: You have an idea as to the type of wife you want?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Have you met her yet?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Hanson: She doesn’t know how I feel about her. She’s also married, though we’ve built a strong friendship. I see a future with her

DBM: During this ‘break’, would you be sleeping with other people?

Hanson: I can’t tell

DBM: Have you been intimate with this other woman?

Hanson: No. We’re just friends.

DBM: If she’s to give you the opportunity to cross that line with her, would you use it as a tourniquet?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: Do you feel like you’re very different than when you got married?

Hanson: Deep down, I know my wife is not the right woman for me. I have stayed in it for this long even though I am aware of my unhappiness. I feared being alone, so when I realized she loved me, I made the decision to lock her down. I also thought she could fill the void in my life. I still don’t feel complete.

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, only Hanson can complete Hanson.

Image Credit: Pixabay

 

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

The driver’s name is Eddie. His car’s number is GS 7443-21. He was the ride I ordered to the airport. I was very late, and so I wasn’t really present in the vehicle with him. I knew he was trying to build on a conversation with me, but I was behind time and wasn’t interested. Mr. Dave, I am in my second marriage, he said. Suddenly, I was interested; there was a story to be told. I am sharing his story because I sought for his consent. Secondly, there are lessons to be learned from his experience. He is in his mid-40’s, and was married to his first wife for 10 years. They could not have children.

According to Eddie, children are a gift from GOD. I wasn’t bothered that we couldn’t have any in my first marriage. I had trust in GOD, and was hoping my ex-wife could trust in Him, my commitment to her and our marriage. He says it really hurt him that the woman he loved with all of his heart, a woman he never for once even considered cheating on or disrespecting, chose to end their marriage. He is of the view that, our society has influenced some women to place a high value on childbearing in marriages – to the extent that, it is so ingrained in their reasoning, they often forget there is a spouse, a man, to be loved also. He says he married his ex-wife because he loved her; children were not his major reason for marriage. He loved his commitment to her; he loved the idea of spending the rest of his life on earth with her in it. He was with her because he wanted to be with her. Unfortunately, his ex-wife had a different expectation for their marriage.

Eddie says, some people will end up being childless because they worry too much to rather focus on the now, the very people loving on them in the present. He believes that societal pressure to become a mother ate into the mind of his ex, that she allowed it to almost measure her worthiness as a woman. The marriage became very unhealthy for the woman because she wanted something different: a real man who could get her pregnant. And so, after 10 years of marriage, she asked her family to return his drinks to his family. The families both asked if had done her any wrong, and she said no. Eddie says, in the presence of both families, he went on his knees, begging her to reconsider. He refused to accept her decision, but she wasn’t interested in the marriage. He kept insisting for a real reason why she wanted out. She finally informed him and their families that, she was no longer in love with him.

Mr. Dave, that was what made me stop pleading with her. I had to understand and respect the fact that, she did not love me anymore. When a woman tells you that she doesn’t love you, let her go. Don’t force your feelings on her. said Eddie. Somehow, he found the confidence to agree to the divorce. His ex-wife also got the confidence to leave, because she had made it clear that she felt trapped. Eddie says, the dissolution of the marriage made all his anxieties about not having the chance of a family even worse. He lost weight, lost his appetite for food; he had a few thousands of cedis saved, and did not know how all that money finished within days. He contemplated on suicide many times. His heart had been broken into pieces.

There was no getting around the divorce because it shook him to his very foundations, causing him to question his confidence level, and even his faith in GOD, women and love. The experience was horrible, terrible for him. All this happened to him in 2019. In 2020, he had learned how to grapple with the pain of rejection and was almost done mourning a lost love, when he met his current wife. He knew he liked this new woman. She makes me want to smile for no reason. I think that was part of the reasons why I found her to be interesting. She was nothing like my ex-wife. he said.

His now Mrs. intentionally became a daily feature in his life just so he could have a dose of real laughter. He allowed the laughter to shape his new found interest into a beautiful friendship, and then, love. Her friendship helped him to return to the things he used to love doing. He then gradually started to lose himself in this good woman who made him smile every day. They got married, and have a one-and-a-half-year-old child. He says, his wife is currently pregnant.

Every relationship (be it good or bad) has something for us to learn. Eddie accepted that his first marriage had ended. He took baby steps and moved on with his life. He is now picturing how to better give and receive with his new wife. I asked him if he knew about his ex-wife’s whereabouts; he says she calls him once or twice every week to check on him. She’s single and has no kids yet. He says she sometimes asks if he misses her too. When I alighted, I was curious in knowing, whether or not he misses the ex.

Mr. Dave, right now as we speak, I miss my wife and child. I can’t wait to close for the day and rush home to help with the house. said Eddie.

Image Credit: David Bondze-Mbir

HE IS THE PRESENT PAST

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I feel very ashamed to be sharing this with you but Dave, do not judge me. I am only human. On my wedding day, I was in a heated conversation with my ex-boyfriend about my decision to marry my husband. My ex is divorced but he was married when we were dating. I was seeing him because he had told me he was getting a divorce. Two years in a relationship with him and his divorce wasn’t happening, so I moved on. I love my husband but I was thinking about my ex when I was saying “I do”. Ten months after I was married, my ex got his divorce. It all happened too fast Dave.

I have been having sex and secret meetings with my ex since I found out about his divorce. He has rented a house where he now lives and that’s where we meet. He wants me to divorce my husband for him. I believe him. I know he is in love with me. Dave, I take my ring off anything I leave the house to go to work. It’s like, I want to be single when I am not home. When I compare the sex between me and my husband and me and my ex, I love the sex my ex gives me. I like the way my ex treats me; I like the way my ex talks to me. He hasn’t changed. He is still the same person I have always known and admired.

I don’t want to throw away a good marriage and family. My husband is a good guy; he takes very good care of our children. But I am scared about pushing my own happiness aside all because I have a husband and children. David, I never stopped loving my ex-boyfriend. I moved on because I didn’t want to remain the side chick of a married man. He was in the process of divorcing; I just couldn’t wait for so long that time. I regret rushing to date my husband, because if I had exercised patience, I would be with the man I truly love. I have more sex with my ex than I have with my husband. Sometimes, I get so tired from my meetings with my ex, I have to fake headaches and sleepiness to avoid my husband’s advances.

I don’t know what to do. I am scared of breaking my home and making things complicated for my children. I am scared of what people will say if I leave my husband for my ex. I am scared of losing my ex because I am still married to my husband. My ex understands the situation I find myself in and he is willing to give me time to make a decision. I don’t know what to do; I want to be happy, Dave. How do I find happiness in this situation?

Image Credit: Arina Krasnikova

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