Let’s Talk To Hanson

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 40: Hanson, for now

DBM: Hi Hanson. Please tell me a little about yourself

Hanson: Married – Father – Employed – Simple dude

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hanson: I intend to suggest to my wife, we take a break

DBM: A break from what?

Hanson: The marriage

DBM: Can you explain further

Hanson: I need time to rethink; I need time to not be her husband in order to get clarity.

DBM: How much time are we talking about here?

Hanson: At most, a year. I will still be involved in the children’s lives; I will make sure the family’s needs are met.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Hanson: Almost 10 years

DBM: Are you unhappy in the marriage?

Hanson: I am grateful for the experience so far, but I still want to explore what not being a husband feels like.

DBM: I know how it feels like; it’s called being single. You were once a bachelor, no?

Hanson: I need time to look at my marriage from a distance, and also, spend more time on personal growth.

DBM: And this can’t be done while at home with your wife and children?

Hanson: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: To a place where our children would have the capacity to look adversity in the eyes with courage, and to never find a middle ground when it comes to their beliefs to please others.

DBM: Those are great expectations for the kids. Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: I don’t know how to answer the question

DBM: Jobs let people down. Children grow up and move away from their parents’ homes. Is your marriage rock-solid to make you that ultimate team player, playing on your wife’s side?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Why not?

Hanson: The demands of our day interfere with our relationship

DBM: When you think of your marriage, what are the first words that comes to mind?

Hanson: Too much work

DBM: Marriage is work

Hanson: You don’t think I know?

DBM: Do you feel valued?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Do you feel alone?

Hanson: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the problem? You want a divorce?

Hanson: I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to be married. That is the problem

DBM: Why don’t you want to be married?

Hanson: I am not mentally healthy to be a husband

DBM: And, when did this occur to you?

Hanson: In the third year of our marriage

DBM: Why did you continue with it?

Hanson: Our first child had been born by then

DBM: Are you genuinely committed to your wife for the long haul, with or without marriage?

Hanson: Dave, I just don’t want to be a husband.

DBM: To just your wife or any other woman?

Hanson: To my wife

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Hanson: Sometimes, yes!

DBM: Are you contemplating on the break to reflect on what you can do to make forever with your wife a possibility?

Hanson: I need a break to be sure I made the right decision

DBM: To be married to your wife?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: What do you need from your wife that you feel like you’re not getting?

Hanson: Space, and less of her in my face

DBM: Define space

Hanson: Dave, you’re not making this any easier for me

DBM: I’m only trying to understand how you’re feeling

Hanson: Deep inside, I’m broken. And it’s taking its roots from within.

DBM: Was this feeling present before or after marriage?

Hanson: Before

DBM: And, was this conversation had with your wife?

Hanson: She knew I had issues

DBM: But did you talk about it?

Hanson: We did!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Hanson: I felt it was important to her. She was happy about the decision

DBM: And, did the decision bring you joy in the process?

Hanson: She was happy, so I was happy

DBM: For her?

Hanson: I guess

DBM: What does being married means to you?

Hanson: It means being on her team; having her as my teammate in life, and cheering each other on

DBM: What are your top three priorities right now?

Hanson: My children, my sanity and purpose in life.

DBM: Does your purpose in life include being a husband to your wife?

Hanson: You keep asking the same question over and over. My wife has been clinging to this whole marriage thing too tightly, I am losing my breath

DBM: How so?

Hanson: That is why I am saying I need a break to figure it out. Something is not working in our marriage for me.

DBM: What are you grateful for, when you think about your wife?

Hanson: She lives within her means, and she’s a good mother.

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to her?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Is she sexually attracted to you?

Hanson: I think so

DBM: Was it ever part of your plans to start a family?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: And, did you ever imagine getting married only to end in a divorce?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Is there something you’re afraid to tell your wife?

Hanson: She’s not the wife I want to be married to

DBM: You have an idea as to the type of wife you want?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Have you met her yet?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Hanson: She doesn’t know how I feel about her. She’s also married, though we’ve built a strong friendship. I see a future with her

DBM: During this ‘break’, would you be sleeping with other people?

Hanson: I can’t tell

DBM: Have you been intimate with this other woman?

Hanson: No. We’re just friends.

DBM: If she’s to give you the opportunity to cross that line with her, would you use it as a tourniquet?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: Do you feel like you’re very different than when you got married?

Hanson: Deep down, I know my wife is not the right woman for me. I have stayed in it for this long even though I am aware of my unhappiness. I feared being alone, so when I realized she loved me, I made the decision to lock her down. I also thought she could fill the void in my life. I still don’t feel complete.

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, only Hanson can complete Hanson.

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