Let’s Talk To Serwaa

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 46: Serwaa

DBM: Hi Serwaa. How would you describe yourself

Serwaa: I am 43 years of age, mother of a teenage girl, wife and God’s child. I do not take anything for granted; I choose my words carefully, and I love life

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Serwaa: I want to share the surprise I found in my ‘For better or for worse’ vow.

DBM: Tell me about it

Serwaa: A year and a half into our marriage, my husband suffered a terminal illness that rendered him disabled. Before he became incapacitated, we found out I was pregnant.

DBM: How long ago?

Serwaa: 16 years now.

DBM: How is your husband doing?

Serwaa: He’s alive, but still under my care. Nothing really has changed, and I have been taking care of him and our daughter.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Serwaa: The last time I had sex with a man was 16 years ago, and it was with my husband, before he became ill.

DBM: Hmmm!

Serwaa: I signed up for it, ‘In sickness and in health…’ but I’d be lying if I say it’s a walk in the park. It’s a responsibility I never imagined I could be prepared for. I am physically exhausted a lot of the time; I am often depressed, and sad. Sometimes, I get angry for no reason; I get scared of either losing him or me losing my mind due to the overwhelming mixed emotions.

DBM: Why do you sometimes get angry?

Serwaa: Dave, I feel like he has taken away my dream to be happily married. His condition has taken away 16 years of our relationship; our intimacy and fun times. He’s also missed out on being a father to our baby girl.

DBM: Is he conscious enough to understand what is happening around him?

Serwaa: He can’t talk, he can’t walk but he can hear us. He tries to smile and nod gently sometimes when we engage him in a conversation. He sees us

DBM: I can only imagine what you have been dealing with

Serwaa: It’s not been easy

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Serwaa: I know I love the man I married very much, but I have caught myself on several occasions wishing he were not here, so I could move on with my life. There is nothing really ongoing between us. I have been more of a caregiver, than being a wife for 16 years. As a woman, I sometimes feel I deserve to get some well-deserved break from all this.

DBM: Do you receive any external assistance in taking care of him?

Serwaa: In the early years of his illness, some family members of his and friends used to come around to help with the cleaning and shopping and cooking, etc. But they all stopped after a year or two. One thing this experience has thought me is that, people are not always going to be there for you. We need to learn to handle situations on our own, because I had to learn how to quickly get back to my senses – and not have to be depending on people.

DBM: What is your current state of mind?

Serwaa: I’ve been keeping a close eye on myself and my mental health of course. I make sure I am active, and because my daughter and I take turns in the caring of her father, I am able to get plenty of rest. We eat well too, all three of us.

DBM: I see. I am glad you are not the only one providing care for him

Serwaa: Same here

DBM: Do his other family members live nearby?

Serwaa: Most of them are here in Accra

DBM: Do they, at least get to spend time with him even though they’re not helping in the provision of care?

Serwaa: Once in a while they call or pass through for an hour or two to check on how we are doing?

DBM: What kind of activities or hobbies does your husband love to enjoy?

Serwaa: He loves to look me directly in the eye. He looks very happy whenever it’s our daughter’s turn to attend to him. He loves gospel music. In fact, he’s his happiest when he hears a gospel song. Dave, maybe you can sing me a gospel song one of these days, so I let him watch. I love the way you sing.

DBM: What type of gospel music moves him?

Serwaa: Foreign songs.

DBM: I will do just that for you. I’m already thinking of ‘GOODNESS OF GOD’ by CeCe Winans. Have you heard that song?

Serwaa: Dave, that’s perfect.

DBM: Hehehehe!

Serwaa: Thank you! Oh, I almost forgot, he also loves rubbing the cats

DBM: Nice. What do you see in his eyes when he stares at you?

Serwaa: Love and respect. He cares about me; it’s written all over him. He’s always finding a reason to smile a lot too, whenever he looks over my way

DBM: You make him happy

Serwaa: Maybe…

DBM: People say, ‘GOD is good’ all the time. Do you think through it all, GOD has been good to you?

Serwaa: Your question is making me want to cry

DBM: Why is that?

Serwaa: Oh David, you’re making me cry at work. I wasn’t expecting this

DBM: It’s all good, Serwaa; it’s all good

Serwaa: For 16 years, I’ve lived in fear and anxiety; emotional unrest and so much uncertainty. I know God has been good to me, my husband and our daughter; even when he seems distant, or money is short. I am not living in my dreamed marriage but God is good. Come what may, I am prepared to embrace anything and everything.

DBM: What kind of man was your husband, prior to his situation?

Serwaa: The type that would protect me from anything that endangered my well-being. He used to talk to me on a daily basis; he shared with me all that made him happy. He talked about me to his friends and family, and they could feel his excitement. I knew I made him very happy; he used to make me glad too.

DBM: What would you do if his situation never changes?

Serwaa: I will accept my fate fully, because I can’t change what is happening to him. No one knows what’s going to happen to us next. I don’t understand what is going on but for the meantime, I’d want my understanding to take the back seat – while I choose to live with what I’ve been given.

DBM: Even if what you’ve been given is clearly, a closed door?

Serwaa: Dave, if I turn around, I see open windows. A beautiful blessing came out of this ‘closed door’, and she’s the love of our lives. She’s smart, caring, happy, lovely and everything a daughter has to be. I have a good paying job that enables me to take very good care of my husband and daughter. I don’t beg for bread. Also, my husband is not difficult to handle. His situation stresses me out alright, but he as a person does not give me problems.

DBM: Are you the right woman for your husband?

Serwaa: I am. I want more, for sure but we journey on till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you for getting in touch.

Image Credit: Alexandre Saraiva Carniato