Let’s Talk To True

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 74: True or False

DBM: True, Hello! How would you describe yourself?

True: A loving and concerned father who is not perfect, but trying to do the right things by my children the best way possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

True: 7 thereabouts

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

True: I want to talk about my oldest daughter. Because of the nature of the situation at hand, I prefer starting from where it all begun. When I met my wife, she already had this child. She was almost five years old when I married her mother. My wife’s first husband had died when the girl was just two years old. I showed up in their lives when she was four years of age, and I have played her father-figure since. She’s 22 years old now.

DBM: Were you a single-dad, divorced or widowed when you met her mother?

True: I was a single man with no child or ex/late wife.

DBM: Okay

True: I love my wife, but she came with the additional ‘burden’ of her child. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to be a father, but I graciously took on the responsibility of being there for her and her daughter; something I actually regret now

DBM: Why is that?

True: I found out later on that, she didn’t really love me. She is with me because I can provide her and the daughter with security. Dave, when you’re just an option to a single-mother in need of your support, that’s how it plays out.

DBM: How long did it take for her daughter to get used to the idea of you, as her daddy?

True: It took a while, but I think I am good with kids, and so we bonded somehow. She used to talk to me separately about everything, before going to her mother with the same information.

DBM: You really believe you meant nothing but an option to your wife?

True: I could never be her top priority in the relationship

DBM: But she had a daughter that had to come first. Most children I know would even wonder why their mothers are with different men, other than their biological fathers.

True: But the husband/father in question was dead

DBM: A mother or wife, putting her children first does not mean she doesn’t care about you. Truth is, most of these women put their kids before themselves. Does that also mean they do not care about their own selves?

True: I expected more from my wife.

DBM: I get you. Anyways, let’s get back to your story. What did your daughter do?

True: I had a lunch meeting with a client in one of the leading hotels in Accra, and I saw my daughter seated in the waiting area, sipping a drink, dressed like a ‘working girl’. An old Caucasian man approached her, talked to her for some time, and they got up to use the elevator to his room. I got up to them and asked where she was going with him. I asked her to leave the hotel and she refused, giving me attitude. I introduced myself to the man as her father, and she had the nerve to tell him I am not her father. I was angry, and so I said some unprintable words to her and she insulted me back. She embarrassed me in front of everyone, and left with the man to his room.

DBM: Why did you have to embarrass your daughter in that manner?

True: Me? Why are you blaming me for trying to stop my daughter from prostituting herself?

DBM: She is 22 years old, for crying out loud. Your responsibility as her father was to raise and educate her before sending her off to the world – which I believe you have done, no?

True: Yes, and still doing. A parent’s job is never-ending

DBM: You have done your part helping her to grow up to become an independent thinker. You need to trust in her ability to make the right decision.

True: Being a hooker is the right decision?

DBM: Did she tell you she’s a prostitute?

True: I witnessed what she was doing

DBM: Your daughter is a grown-ass woman, who knows what is right and wrong. People will do things we least expect of them. Children will make horrible, terrible mistakes that you the parent could have avoided. Such is life sometimes when we are dealing with people. Whatever your daughter is up to, actively contributes to her learning and education process. What didn’t you do at her age?

True: Does that mean I can’t correct her when she’s heading in the wrong direction?

DBM: Your job as her father is not necessarily to protect her from herself and her mistakes. Children have needs and desires, which you and her mother ought to be anticipating. Be her parent when she asks or needs you to be. Be there for her to deal with disappointments when she needs you. Till then, pray for her to become a responsible adult and just let her be

True: You are just like her mother, always taking the side of her daughter. This has made her turn against me in the house. She’s very disrespectful because she knows her mother will support her.

DBM: I am not taking sides. I am just stating the obvious. Again, it’s your house; if she’s rude towards you, kick her the hell out. It’s as simple as that! You cannot be living under my roof and be giving me attitude.

True: My biggest fear is her influence on my other children. I have two boys and two girls with her mother. The younger ladies all look up to her. Imagine them finding out she’s been sleeping with older men to make money?

DBM: Are you in any way, feeling lost or having self-doubt about how you’re doing as their father?

True: Of course not!

DBM: Then, there is nothing to worry about. We’ve all grown and developed our own identities, standards and beliefs that conflicts with those of our parents. It doesn’t make us bad human beings if our different values lead to tension and disagreements.

Image Credit: JD Bond