Let’s Talk To Atticus

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 117: Atticus

DBM: Hi Atticus. How would you describe yourself?

Atticus: A man of choice

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atticus: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atticus: Sif

DBM: What does it mean?

Atticus: Sif is the name of my wife.

DBM: Oh, okay! How long have you been married?

Atticus: 45 years young

DBM: Congratulations!

Atticus: We put in the work, Dave. It wasn’t by luck.

DBM: Describe Sif

Atticus: My wife’s embrace is warm. She’s grown to build an equal, trusting and lasting relationship and connection with me; she’s organized, kind, honest, compassionate and a woman I trust. Sif is always taking very good care of herself and looks good at all times; she makes me her number one priority, not the kids, not her parents, not friends. My wife is intelligent and I’ve had the pleasure of engaging in deeper and more stimulating conversations for decades. My Sif is confident.

DBM: How did you meet?

Atticus: I used to work with her late cousin. We met at his funeral.

DBM: Did you go on a date?

Atticus: We did, and she ruined my afternoon. She came to cry and mourn her cousin with me all over again.

DBM: You mean after the funeral?

Atticus: Yes

DBM: How were you communicating back then?

Atticus: Face to face. We would agree to meet somewhere to talk and bond, and show up for each other

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Atticus: I knew on our first date, before she started to cry on me that she could be my life-mate. After we had spoken at the funeral grounds, she gave herself the permission to like me too, because she understood how I felt about her. When you allow yourself to have what you really want, you get it somehow.

DBM: Can you recount a challenging time or moment in your marriage?

Atticus: There was a point in my life where I started craving for validation, connection, affection and intimacy from another woman. I loved Sif, but I wanted a different experience with someone else. The one-time affair happened, and she caught wind of it. The challenge was when I had to tell her everything, including how I met the other woman, how many times we had sex, what the other lady could do to/for me that she wasn’t doing, etc. And because I refused to answer most of her questions, it added more strain to our marriage – forcing her to separate from me.

DBM: For how long?

Atticus: Three weeks, but I was lucky the love we shared worked out eventually in our favor. She forgave me when I started doing things to build her trust in me again. I haven’t made such a mistake since.

DBM: How did she find you out?

Atticus: She said it was a strong feeling she fought for days to ignore

DBM: Is forgiving a spouse a significant step to take for a marriage to work?

Atticus: It can be an option on the table, because not everyone can easily recover from say, an affair. Unfortunately, most of us pretend a lot when we’re chasing after love. Many after giving in to the chase only get to find out that everything they venerated about the other person was all for show. When I cheated on my wife, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t paying her any attention; It didn’t occur to me that I had taken her for granted all that while. It was like, anytime she attempted speaking to me about something, she was either nagging or whining. That was how I was feeling about her when I was looking outside my marriage. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was actually begging for my attention, and time together all that while I was busily offering the very same things to someone else.

My focus was rather hoping on the wish that my life could be more exciting like it was being promised from the other end. And so, I spent most of my free time developing feelings, plans and what to do to the other woman to have my needs met. I was only thinking of how I could get out of the house each time.

DBM: What kind of work was put into the pursuit to get your wife back?

Atticus: When she left with the children, it hit me that I probably was in the wrong. I knew how troublesome our kids were in their early years and couldn’t imagine letting their mother, my Sif, struggle with raising them all by herself.

DBM: You felt she couldn’t have on her own?

Atticus: She could have. Also, I was supporting financially but I know my children, they can be a handful. They can eat for the whole of Ghana. They can talk and scream and shout and fight for the whole world. They’re troublesome. Having a life outside my family couldn’t have painted the perfect picture of what the real costs would have been for a single mother.

DBM: You were thinking of all that?

Atticus: It was part of the work done, that I believe made me a better man. It wasn’t just to get my wife back – it was for my own good and future with my family. I had to change to want better for us. I’d say, we became inseparable and happier than we were before I cheated.

DBM: How long was this rough moment?

Atticus: 36, 37 years ago, I think

DBM: In your opinion, what is nourishing your marriage?

Atticus: A number of things: allowing myself to be influenced by my wife.

DBM: Please explain

Atticus: Let me use this recent example: I usually have gulfing plans outlined for most weekends. Sif knows this, but still insisted I drove her to a wedding event last week. My wife can drive but she didn’t want to sit behind the wheel that Saturday morning. I cancelled my plans to drive her around. I could have returned home but I decided to wait for her. While waiting, I met a former school mate I hadn’t seen since Mfantsipim School. He was also dropping his wife. We drove to Sky Bar 25 to catch up, and we’re now in touch. He was one of the coolest guys in our day. I gained a best friend back just because of saying ‘okay’ to my wife.

DBM: Makes sense

Atticus: We also appreciate the good in our marriage while letting the bad take a hike. I have respect for my wife and treat her better than I would treat anyone else in my life. The fact is, I will not give to a stranger while my wife lacks. We are kind to each other that way. I am always happy for her success and have been encouraging and supporting her growth in all aspects of her interests. She does same for me. We found shared interests and pursued it with all the fun that comes with it. This made us not grow apart. We’ve built a solid financial security net around us; she’s always in the known about any activity I’m involved in outside the house. Sif knows how much I love sex, and has created a comfortable environment for me at home to express my love for her through sex – anytime I want to be with her.

DBM: You have any advice to give?

Atticus: 45 years being married to the same woman is no joke. I’ve been deliberate with my every effort to enjoy my wife and the marriage. The bad many of us men see in our wives are often through our own lenses. I changed the way I perceived my Sif, 37 years ago, and she automatically became the queen of my heart, and every woman I needed to be happy. Change how you look at, and address things/people, and see how the things/people you look at, and address suddenly also changes to your admiration. In my case, I was the person who needed to change for the better in order to experience 45 years of a healthy marriage.

Image Credit: Steward Masweneng