Tag: Love

Explained With A Venn Diagram

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Prosper: I have an incredible story to share

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Tell me.

Prosper: This week marks my 18th cohabitation anniversary.

DBM: With your partner?

Prosper: I wouldn’t call her ‘my partner’ because we’re not shacking up in the bedroom. She was supposed to move in with me temporarily because she’s still married to her husband.

DBM: Huh?

Prosper: I’ve been living with a married woman and her daughter for 18 years.

DBM: Explain with a Venn diagram

Prosper: Hahaha. According to her, there was abuse and serial cheating and she had to make the difficult decision to leave her marriage. She had been married for nine years, thrown herself into the relationship, given birth to two kids, a boy and a girl. After the 9th year she realized how burned out she felt and did not have no more to give. She described her marriage as out of balance. So, she took her daughter one afternoon and run away.

DBM: Leaving the son behind?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she know how the boy is doing today?

Prosper: No

DBM: Wow! Who are you to her?

Prosper: Best friend. We go way back. High school mates

DBM: High school sweethearts?

Prosper: No. High school mates. No strings attached

DBM: Nothing has happened between the two of you after running to you?

Prosper: Nothing has happened

DBM: Are you a married man?

Prosper: No

DBM: Dating someone?

Prosper: No

DBM: Do you like this friend staying with you?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she like you as much?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Have you kissed?

Prosper: I wish. No

DBM: Define your friendship

Prosper: I love her. I am in love with her and this secret lives in my head as I’ve never expressed it to her or anyone else. I know she admires me too.

DBM: You admire her in the romantic sense?

Prosper: Yes. She brightens my day. But I have been curious about something

DBM: What?

Prosper: Why would a married woman just pack her bags and leave her whole life behind for 18 years and not look back?

DBM: We know the man or woman we marry. We do not know the person we separate from or divorce later on in the marriage.

Prosper: But why would she separate her own children in that manner?

DBM: Have you asked her?

Prosper: No

DBM: I’m guessing she asked herself whether or not she would be proud of her daughter if she were to find herself in a marriage like hers.

Prosper: I have a warm and lasting relationship with her daughter. She calls me father. I am in my step-father role. She comes to me for advice and is always thankful because I have been there for her and her mother all these years. I’ve been providing their needed security, love, conversation, friendship, hopefulness, trust, and anything they need to survive. It’s my little unconventional family I’ve built.

DBM: I don’t know what or how to feel about this. It’s kind of, tricky

Prosper: I feel the same way. What if she packs her things one day and just leaves?

DBM: You think about that?

Prosper: Every day

DBM: They’ve done 18 years with you. You are definitely bringing something valuable to the table.

Prosper: Dave, do you think this is going to have a happy ending?

DBM: Having feelings for another man’s wife is normal. Acting on those feelings is what I honestly do not know how to speak on. What you’ve described to be feeling for her seems to go beyond the bedroom. This kind of loving and intimate friendship is rare.

Prosper: I would have married her if she wasn’t married

DBM: I believe you. She has to do something about her marital status, if she’s that much into you too. Because at the moment, her marriage is still in your way.

Prosper: What would you have done?

DBM: I would have asked her to return to her husband and make a decision to leave him legally. It’s been 18 years. Believe me, her husband did not sit in waiting. This is how you know a married woman or man loves you and has every intention of being available and coming for you: by being willing to try to break free from whatever is holding her back – for your sake.

Prosper: Hmmm. When she first moved in with me, she said before that her husband would make divorce as difficult as possible if she ever tried to leave. He thinks it would wreck him financially. Staying with him was also causing her a lot of suffering.

DBM: Her family of orientation, do they know where she is?

Prosper: They don’t know where she lives, but she visits her parents and siblings with her daughter twice a year. They know she’s doing fine.

DBM: How are you getting laid since she’s not given you an official invitation?

Prosper: I find sex elsewhere. My sex drive is insane but it’s just sex. My house mate is my soul mate. She’s the woman of my dreams and the lady with whom I know we can build an expected life and have a family. She’s been the one person I have experienced true love, true romance and emotional intimacy, minus sex with. We meet our needs for conversation.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Going Once, Going Twice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Magnus: Many years ago, I was a happy single man. The grass was always greener on my other side. If I needed someone to cuddle with on a rainy evening, I knew someone to call. There were nights on weekdays and weekends that I spent alone. It wasn’t always fun and I made the most of what it was then. All I had were little moments in time and I could do anything with those moments. I didn’t feel bad about being single or being alone. It didn’t really matter to me. So far as I didn’t have to settle for all of the wrong encounters I came into contact with, I was willing to wait for the right woman to come along. My mother once told me her biggest regret in life was to have settled in her marriage to my father just for the sake of being with a man. She thought that decision was far better than having no one in her life at all. But it wasn’t because she knew she had lowered her standards and was with the wrong man. My mother was alone even though she had a husband.

At 38, I was still single and looking forward to meaningful relationships in my future. I went on dates and got to know different people. I was invited to my wife’s 32nd birthday party in 1997 by one of her closest friends. Dave, I used to love the energy a good party could throw in the air because there was always that likelihood of finding someone attractive to talk to or make out with later on. I didn’t know anything about my wife. I got to the venue and there were five other guys plus the three ladies in attendance. The three ladies were the best friends of my wife and each had invited two of their closest, single male friends as their plus twos. Which was weird to me in the beginning but was delightfully surprised when I ended up forming a connection with the birthday girl.

Her best friends left no stone unturned to make her feel extra special that day. They all held cardboards with my wife’s best qualities and flaws boldly written on them. They read what they had to share about her to us the guys and then gave us the opportunity to ask questions. Mind you, the person being celebrated or in this case, auctioned to us was nowhere present at her own birthday venue. There were no pictures of her around, nothing. We were just being sold an illusion and expected to bid on it. I had a crush on the qualities they shared about my wife. I could see potential though I did not have any expectations of pursuing a relationship with her. And then, it was time to decide. Who liked what they heard, I did. I raised my hand to express interest. Everybody clapped and cheered me on before we were treated to a fine dinner with her close friends, followed by a good movie, which happened to be my wife’s favorite movie. It was not an extravagant party. A few hours later, party was done and we had to go home. I went home without meeting what I had bid on.

The following morning was a Monday. I was having a rough day, so when I walked into the office, I was very off my game, despite my efforts to appear motivated. Guess who had stopped by my work without letting me know in advance? My wife’s friend. What are you doing here…? I was about to ask before I realized she wasn’t alone. She was tall, slender, with a beautiful smile. Package had arrived and it was pleasing in my sight. My mouth did not go dry. My air supply did not cut off abruptly. Nothing expanded in my chest. I could take my eyes off her for a minute and not lose her beauty. My heartbeat was normal and I was still satisfied. That is how I met my wife. We got married in 1999, and she’s given me chance after chance every day to step in her little world to show her what she had been missing. Dave, till today, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind though I wake up next to her every morning. My wife has made the difficulties life has to offer easier to tolerate. And, she’s made our good times even more nourishing.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s a very beautiful story.

Magnus: It’s the best story I have ever talked about in my life.

DBM: What were some of the qualities shared by her friends at the party?

Magnus: They told us about the base of their friendship, which was respect. They talked about the love she had for all of them which was key for me. I believe a woman with love in her heart for someone is also kind. They talked about the fact that she was quiet naturally, but could also hold a conversation, an intelligent conversation. She was a good listener and could explain what was on her mind, and could make space for other people’s feelings. Those were the first insights I gathered and needed to recognize about her attributes, because they aligned with what I was looking for in a wife.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Magnus: I love the fact that she likes and trusts herself. She knows her value and doesn’t need affirmation from me or anyone for that matter. I love the fact that she follows through on her every word, deed and action. I married a competent woman. She’s very independent, has a full life of her own, a great career, and doesn’t need me to survive. She’s capable and adequate, and can achieve what others believe to be impossible.

DBM: You have children?

Magnus: No. I have low sperm count in my semen. That was the difficulty my wife and I were having getting pregnant.

DBM: How is she taking it?

Magnus: She used to ask herself whether she could be happily married without children. Her concerns always came with layers of fear, and a little bit of hope here and there. She had her own expectations and sometimes, guilt. But she assured me when she came to the realization that she may never become a mother to her own child, that happiness in our marriage wouldn’t depend on whether we have children or not. She was going to base and bet her happiness in our marriage on just the two of us. She has not allowed her family, friends or society to define our family structure. Though it’s been just the two of us in the marriage, she’s not found us to be incomplete because we do not have children. My wife has protected my dignity and our marriage from the outside noise. She’s stood strong for me even when I do not understand. The love we thrive on is deep and is lasting.

DBM: 1999 to 2026 is a big deal of marriage experience. What do you believe is working for the good of the marriage?

Magnus: I think me being the man that I am is what has dictated the climate of our marriage. I am passionate about my wife and our marriage and I make sacrifices for my wife. I am not selfish. I am not foolish. I do not cheat on my wife or entertain the thought of it because I have made the decision to only desire more of her. I am avidly pursuing her in the marriage. Likewise, I have less pride and can humble myself before her. I take very good care of my wife and have made her life comfortable even though she makes her own money. I welcome accountability and can easily say ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’. When something awful or awesome happens, she always has me by her side to empathize or rejoice with her.

Image Credit: 2 Mephoto

18 Years After ‘I Do’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife was standing by her friend’s side as she said “I do” to my best friend, who she believes is the man of her dreams. All it took was one intense gaze from me and she tickled from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toe. Dave, finding the correct woman to wife is not easy but I am lucky to have recognized my friend’s wife’s Maid of Honor, who I believe had smiled her way out of my fantasy and come to life. We became friends after the wedding and I realized how much I liked her a lot. Friendship was so easy we didn’t have to impress each other. I was seen as I truly am. I held on to her as the weeks and months passed because I could appreciate her thoughtfulness and introspection. Everything and nothing were on the table for discussion because we enjoyed talking about something. I admired the woman she was. I had also developed trust in her to the extent that, I was sure about my interest in an exclusive relationship with her. She was the right wife fabric I needed to stitch and embroider. I became so consistent in my actions because she was extremely consistent in her care for me.

We dated for 13 months and in those periods, I realized how my emotions towards her often would feel strained, while her feelings of love for me would lessen. I wasn’t always in love with her. She wasn’t always impressed or in awe of me. I did not always desire to be with her. I did not always want to choose her above all others. It was a confusing phase in my life. I imagined talking to other women with whom I felt I was going to be more compatible with. On my 40th birthday, my 7-year-old niece wished me a happy birthday and asked when I was going to get married. I was very surprised at her question. I told her I didn’t know and she said, ‘Uncle, love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice.’

I asked her to explain and she said she doesn’t always love my nephew because they fight and argue a lot. Her brother is unkind to her most of the time but she still loved him even though sometimes her love for him feels further away. That was the conversation that changed my approach to love and marriage. I had forgotten that I really wanted to be with my wife, her flaws and strengths together. I didn’t have to choose her in a perfect state. I didn’t have to know how to be married in order to be a great husband. I didn’t have to know what it looked like in my day-to-day to love a wife, honor and cherish her. It didn’t have to look a certain way to be perfect. And instead of zoning out when things aren’t going or feeling the way I wanted them to be, I would rather talk to her about it.

I asked my wife to marry me a day after my 40th birthday, and we’ve been together since for 18 years. My marriage entails a lot of generosity with kind words and respect. I am a source of help to my wife without being asked. Dave, it has taken me a lot of daily attention, patience and hard work to see these 18-year results happening to us in 2026. And just like any farm, our marriage has gone through its own different seasons, in which I’ve had to nurture the soil, pull unwanted weeds and intentionally adapting to unpredictable weather to yield a healthy bond as harvest. I am doing the work as a man and husband, the best way I know how. And every deposit I have made into my marriage has been so far, worth the effort.

My wife is a good listener but I too listen to her, not with the intention of reacting but to understand her. I’ve never expected perfection from my wife because I am not perfect in my ways. And the Bible was right about one thing, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I am reminded to calm whenever I am almost frustrated with her. I am reminded to do what I can to make her happy instead of chasing after what would make me happy from outside.

There is joy in our marriage because we lean on God. There is peace in our marriage because God is in the center of our marriage.

Image Credit: Nude The Photographer

The Marriage I Want

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to be held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Water is tasty

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Awal: Hello David. Can I share my 31 years of experience in marriage?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh wow! 31 years? Yes, I want to learn

Awal: Your surname, is it Mbir or Bondze Mbir?

DBM: Bondze-Mbir.

Awal: Where is the name from?

DBM: Winneba.

Awal: Simpa. Do you speak Efutu?

DBM: No!

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Once. I am Fante though

Awal: Fante is your mother’s side?

DBM: Yes. Elmina.

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Yes. Once

Awal: Ok. To my story; It was love at first sight when I looked into the eyes of my wife for the first time. I was healing from a heartbreak and thought I was done with the dating game. I had always been afraid of what might go wrong in a relationship. I wasn’t great at committing to just one woman because I was afraid of missing out on something better in the future. A lot of ‘what ifs’ played on my mind and because of that, I became the ladies’ man. I went for the finest girls I could persuade, the perfect shapes, the best I could attract but could not offer my best to them. In hindsight, I did not know what it was that I actually wanted, and therefore, was chasing the types of women I thought I could have. My intentions weren’t sincere. I was leading girls on just to get them to like me. I knew none of them could break through to get me to be loyal to one girl. This is a past of mine I regret.

DBM: It was all about sex, I guess?

Awal: Yes, and a need for casual companionship.

DBM: Okay!

Awal: While at it I met this other girl. The one who broke my heart before I met my wife. She was the perfect girl I was willing to let my guard down for. It is kind of hard to gauge this particular situation because I didn’t see it coming. She was the first girl I would do things for out of the kindness of my heart with no intention of getting something in return. I loved her and I could not control that moment and outcome. I didn’t know I was capable of falling in love. This made me get lost in my worries and fears. I didn’t want to take her for granted. This was the comical part; she was the first girl I prayed to God about.

DBM: You liked her that much?

Awal: I loved her.

DBM: What happened?

Awal: Unbeknownst to me, she was the cousin of one of the many girls I had played and dumped. She planted herself in my life at the right moment with the help of her cousin who knew a lot about my daily routine, and got me wrapped around her finger in all the wrong ways I couldn’t see coming. To cut the miserable story short, I lost a lot of money in the process of her short-term revenge diversion game. We were planning to get married when she left me to go marry someone else. I nearly committed suicide.

DBM: How did you find out it was a conspiracy?

Awal: The cousin I used to fuck with came to my office to tell me why I was never going to see her cousin again. And truly, I never saw her cousin again.

DBM: Wait! The one you played was the one in your office in this scenario?

Awal: Yes. I didn’t set eyes on the one I was planning marriage with again.

DBM: There was no further communication, breakup, closure, etc.

Awal: Nothing. We were on good terms the night before her cousin’s visit to my office.

DBM: Did you live together?

Awal: No, but I had rented a house for her. Bought a brand-new car for her. Paid her debts and loans. Spent on her. I spent monies I hadn’t even spent on myself before on her because I wanted to impress. She made me fall in love hard, Dave.

DBM: What in your opinion, made her stand out and not blend in?

Awal: She made me a priority in the beginning stages of our relationship and I thought that had set the precedent for how I would reciprocate. I believed she was consistently into who I was, and was happy to be all in with me. I didn’t see the reason to be pulling her back and forth in the games I used to play.

DBM: You never had a sense of her hiding something from you?

Awal: No.

DBM: How long were you together?

Awal: 1 year and six months. After her cousin’s visit to my office, I went to the house I had rented in her name and she had packed out. It happened so fast I couldn’t make the head or tail of it.

DBM: Did you find out where she had gone to?

Awal: The cousin mentioned at the office that she had traveled abroad to be with her husband, which I did not believe. But she made me understand she had it all planned out because she knew I liked beautiful women. Her cousin was the perfect beauty to seduce and lead me on, mess me around and then discard me. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, Dave.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Awal: After finding out that she had packed out, I went back to my car with the intention of driving to the police station to make a formal complaint. It was a really hard time period for me because I had made a quick turn in a corner onto the main street without really paying attention to the road. Truthfully, she appeared from nowhere into the crossing and I hit her with my car. I stopped and immediately ran out to see if she was okay. She was bleeding profusely. My second worse nightmare in life was when I first came in contact with my wife. I did not know what to do that instance. A few guys came over to help me carry her to my car. We sent her to the nearest hospital, and that was when it hit me, she could die. I broke into uncontrollable tears. It all started coming back to me, the love of my life that had vanished on me. The dream to be married that had been taken away from me by a vengeful woman and her cousin. The money I had lost. The innocent lady I had maimed and wasn’t sure whether she could fight for her life or not at the hospital.

DBM: I can only imagine your devastation

Awal: God being so good, she gained consciousness on the second day and I was allowed to see her. She looked at me oddly and managed to smile at me. I knelt by her bed and asked for forgiveness. She lifted her right hand to touch my shoulder and I looked straight into her eyes with tears in mine. She smiled with mercy and grace in eyes for me. Something inside of me loosened. I was touched by her smile. I was moved by the look in her eyes. That look threw a hint of light to shine through my darkness. That was the beginning of our attraction and friendship and relationship and later, marriage.

DBM: What else about her genuinely got you hooked?

Awal: She wasn’t performing to win my attention. A lot of the girls I usually would go for in the past I think put on a show to match my performances. She was deeper than a performance.

DBM: Was she your usual type?

Awal: No. But I felt safe and the connection felt real. I didn’t have to perform or impress. I experienced an honest feeling oozing out of me.

DBM: Did she feel the same way towards you?

Awal: She was developing likeness for me.

DBM: What else got you hooked?

Awal: She knew how to listen and make me feel heard and seen. There was warmth in how she made me feel seen. I could be myself around her, Dave. She made me laugh. She made me smile. She knew how to tease me softly and sweetly. It lightened my world and made me feel like I could be alive and lighter all over again. I felt at ease. She embraced my walls with peace. She had an independent life of her own. An impressive life, as a matter of fact. Goal driven, passionate about her career, super smart and intelligent. Very hardworking and forceful. That, was attractive to me. She was a complete package of her own who just happened to like being around me too. She didn’t need me to be her knight and shining armor. She wanted me to ride along her journey. My wife is a lady. She carries her presence without trying too hard for attention or validation.

DBM: Is she the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Awal: She’s the only woman I’ve been with since hitting her with my car. There’s nothing brand new out there that can’t be drawn from my well at home.

DBM: Water is tasty.

Awal: Lol. Dave, my well is sourced from an underground aquifer deep in my wife’s soil. It’s naturally filtered but a little bit of high concentration of her soil minerals can easily influence her taste to sparkling water. Sometimes, she tastes like spring water. Most times, she’s regular tap water but she can be ionized with rich minerals to raise her pH level to a smoother alkaline water. Her water can be distilled. Water is tasty when you’re thirsty enough. How old are you, Dave?

DBM: 41

Awal: Who taught you that phrase? Water is tasty isn’t for your generation

DBM: I can be an unassuming gentle bad boy sometimes. I know a thing or two about the water I drink.

Awal: What kind of water do you drink?

DBM: Mine also has sodium (Na⁺), potassium (K⁺), and chloride (Cl⁻) dissolved in it. Sometimes it tastes sweet. Other times, it’s sour. It tastes bitter or salty once in a while when we’re mad at each other. But this morning, it certainly was umami

Awal: Lol.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your marriage?

Awal: Contentment. Having a sense that I am enough. My wife is enough. Every moment in our marriage is enough, whether good or bad. Finding sufficiency in the enough and accepting what and who I chose to have in my life to do life with in this present moment. There’s nothing to compare if you dwell, commit to and savor the enough.

DBM: This was a good conversation. Thank you for your time.

Awal: Thank you.

Imagine Credit: RDNE

Everybody Hurts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Theodore: My mother filed for divorce on their 25th wedding anniversary party which was organized by my dad, her now ex-husband. It was a reunion for the whole family, none of their friends invited, which I thought was weird at first. Then I later came to find out that she had specifically insisted she didn’t want any friends coming to the celebration. She wanted just the families from both sides in attendance.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh my! How old were you that year?

Theodore: I was 23

DBM: When did this happen?

Theodore: 2017

DBM: Fairly recent

Theodore: Yes. They raised three kids in total; built their careers and navigated through all sorts of illnesses and life events. My mother surprised us with her decision.

DBM: Was it a mutual decision on the day of the announcement?

Theodore: It took my dad by surprise too. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have spent money on a party meant to announce the death of his marriage.

DBM: Do you know why your mother chose to opt out?

Theodore: My mum is a very private person. And also, peaceful. She told the three of us after the party, that, she and my father stopped laughing together early in their marriage. Which eventually, became a struggle for her. Decisions my father made with other women were some of the hardest moments that tested their marriage, and ultimately, shifted her feelings for him. Nothing else he did or said could pull her love back to him.

DBM: When you say ‘the three of us’, you mean your siblings?

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Okay! Did she put a date to the ‘early’ years she stopped laughing?

Theodore: Four years into the marriage. Nothing felt right to her afterwards because all the memories that now stayed with her were the bad choices my father made to break them apart.

DBM: I do understand that part. It’s never about the material stuff or how nice you make people believe your marriage looks. The shared experiences and memories left on the hearts of our minds are what we hold on to – when all is said and done.

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Do you know why your mother stayed that long?

Theodore: Yes. She stayed for us. She was in the middle of raising young children. Her life revolved around us. But she said she never stopped counting the years to when my younger sister would turn 19.

DBM: Tell me a little about growing up under their roof.

Theodore: My mother was the present parent. My dad, not so much. Now that I’m a father myself, I understand the importance of being present in my child’s life because the years go by so fast, we don’t get the time back.

DBM: How old is your child?

Theodore: 4-year-old. I and my siblings were very vulnerable to the influence at home. We saw a lot. We heard a lot. We analyzed a lot and I don’t think my father realized we were soaking up all kinds of information we came across at home, pertaining to how he treated my mother and how that made us feel. We were like sponges. I soaked up my father’s mannerisms and some traits. My sister and brother soaked up their own habits from either my mother or father. When we came of age, our mother was the only role model at home we could look up to.

DBM: Why do you say that?

Theodore: Our mother was the one always involved in our lives. Our father compensated us with fancy gifts and outings. He woke up very early to go to work and we wouldn’t see him until later in the night. He was the busy parent. That was the picture he painted for us to see.

DBM: Did your mother work?

Theodore: My mother is a surgeon.

DBM: Ha!

Theodore: Yes

DBM: What are some of the mannerisms and traits you picked up from your dad?

Theodore: The unhealthy bits and pieces of his pattern that I witnessed for the early years of my life were manifesting in my marriage. I was staying out late, engaging in casual sex with old flames, getting home late to take my shower, and watch TV or be on my phone, hoping not to be bothered until I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how my father used to tell my sister to be quiet because he was tired and not in the mood to play with her. I catch myself repeating the same thing with my son. I was also lying to my wife a lot about my whereabouts.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Theodore: 5 years. I’m trying to break from these habits but it’s still a difficult task

DBM: You’re at liberty to choose your own path. However, you need to understand that, you signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it involves just more than paying the bills.

Theodore: I know

DBM: Anyways, what’s life like for your sister?

Theodore: We’re all thriving in our careers. But I think my sister is always ending up having relationships with emotionally unavailable men. She’s been engaging in various behaviors I used to see my mother display at home when we were kids, to get the attention of my father. I know she has lost faith in men.

DBM: I’ve lost my chain of thought. Why did you reach out to me?

Theodore: I came across a conversation between my mother and my wife. She was advising my wife to divorce me if she’s no longer interested in the marriage. It took me by surprise because why would my own mother say that to the mother of my child?

DBM: Because you’re your father’s son. Your mother lived through all of that, and knows this about you. And wouldn’t want her daughter in love suffering in the process because of it.

Theodore: But she crossed the line, don’t you think so?

DBM: The fact that a woman makes the decision to marry you doesn’t necessarily mean she has to accept all there is to you. She’s been understanding enough. She’s been patient enough. A wife is not supposed to be the only one wanting her marriage to get better.

Theodore: I want my marriage to get better.

DBM: Then be better. I don’t think your mother crossed a line. She knows the heartache and pain in staying married to a man like you. Something you will never understand.

Theodore: I understand

DBM: If you say so. How is your father doing?

Theodore: He is fine. He married again.

DBM: Good for him. You see, life goes on, regardless

Theodore: Yes. He got married two months after their divorce finalized.

DBM: Life still goes on. Life is meant to be lived.

Theodore: Yes

Image Credit: Isabela Catao

Constant Craving

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ifama: Good evening, David. Are you free to chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Ifama: Not so great

DBM: Why not?

Ifama: It’s a long story.

DBM: Let’s make it a bit short, can we?

Ifama: Yes. Please post me anonymously

DBM: I will

Ifama: I’ve been playing the field, and I am still confused because I don’t know what I want.

DBM: Playing the field as in?

Ifama: In a relationship with two people at the same time.

DBM: They know you’re dating them both?

Ifama: No

DBM: Are you being intimate with both?

Ifama: Yes

DBM: What do you want out of these relationships?

Ifama: What every woman wants

DBM: And, that is?

Ifama: For my needs to be met

DBM: What does Relationship A add to your life?

Ifama: Love. He is so in love with me. He has the financial means and is very protective of his money and assets. He sees me as an asset in his heart and has given me access to his wealth. I am not just a pretty face, Dave, I match his intellectual aspirations. He knows I am an independent, hardworking woman and can take care of myself but he doesn’t want me to. He wants to be the only one to take care of me.

DBM: What does Relationship B add to your life?

Ifama: She respects me a lot. She acknowledges and honors my accomplishments. She respects my opinions and viewpoints. My suggestions and input on everything are welcomed. I don’t feel overlooked or taken for granted, Dave. I am seen and valued. Unlike my other situationship, her actions towards me and our relationship does not send different signals or communicate different messages to me. She is consistent with her love for me. I don’t feel like I am compromising or settling for less than what I deserve. She meets me where I am at any moment in life and treats me justly, and equitably too. She’s like my best friend, very patient in how she indulges me. I don’t feel like I have to jump any bar higher than I am capable of just to prove myself.

DBM: How about the romantic aspect of the spark?

Ifama: It’s burning with flames and keeping me excited and alive. Dave, this is a relationship that I not only want but I know I absolutely need to build a future.

DBM: You’re bisexual, I’m guessing?

Ifama: I could be. I wish there was a way to determine which of them would be my perfect match

DBM: The true intentions of a human heart and whatever it’s feeling for you cannot be predicted, unfortunately. You can never know which of them, genuinely, would do right by you.

Ifama: What do I do? Because I think I have fallen in love with them for different reasons.

DBM: I don’t know what else to tell you. What you are doing would give any of them more than enough reason to doubt you. This kind of relationship wouldn’t flourish because you’re not being honest with them. Your feelings towards them aren’t clear.

Ifama: They’re clear. I am simply cultivating my femininity and trying to use it to my advantage and the benefit of the two most important people in my life.

DBM: Two most important people that you’re conveniently, hiding their existence in your life from each other. Why don’t they know there are two of them competing for your attention and love?

Ifama: It’s not everything that we have to share

DBM: When you have nothing else to hide, you’re invincible.

Ifama: I want to marry the man. My pastor thinks we can pray my feelings for the woman away. I want to believe it is possible but I am not sure.

DBM: You mind me asking why you came to me?

Ifama: Someone introduced me to your Facebook.

DBM: So, you know my stance on same-sex attracted relationships?

Ifama: Yes and no.

DBM: Well, go to my blog: https://dmbir.com/blog/ click on the search bar; type and enter ‘Gay’. You will find my opinions on all the conversations I’ve had with people like you.

Ifama: Ok

DBM: Praying your feelings for the same sex to go away isn’t practical. It doesn’t work like that. However, you can choose not to entertain women romantically, if that is what you really want. Are you willing and desiring to commit to your guy wholeheartedly? Because you can if you want to.

Ifama: I want to but my feelings for the woman are real to me. I’m not sure how people will react to that.

DBM: You need to come to that place in your life where you can easily let outsiders have whatever perspective they assume of you, while you continue to live in your truth.

Ifama: It’s not that simple, Dave.

DBM: Which of the relationships brings you inner peace?

Ifama: The woman

DBM: In John 14:27 Jesus left you with a gift: Peace of heart and mind to combat the fear and anxiety you’re feeling this day. That peace is not supposed to trouble your heart. You need to lead your heart to the place where it isn’t troubled while falling in love. You need to trust that GOD knows the contents of your heart and exactly what’s best for you.

Ifama: Even though I will be judged by others?

DBM: Let not outside noise and condemnation rob you off your calm, quiet and ability to take in every single moment you get to share with the happiness love brings you.

Ifama: You say it as if it’s that easy to make it all make sense.

DBM: People typically tend to be more accommodating with you living a lie. Your existence and experiences aren’t lies. Jesus left you this gift of inner peace, knowing you’re going to need it in times like these. Let your heart be at peace. Peace that surpasses what we (the outsiders) can understand. That’s all I am suggesting to you. Anyone else who has issues with your truth should first cultivate that same energy into praying away their fornication, lying, stealing, cunning, adulterous, hateful, deceitful and corrupt ways of living.

Ifama: I will come back to this conversation again. Thank you.

Image Credit: David Kwewum

Image Capturing My Imagination

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mylo: My father wasn’t that upright at responding with words of truth when my mother was having a tough time trusting his actions. He couldn’t discern her feelings to treat her with compassion. I don’t even think he loved my mother that deeply, thus his inability to be consistent with her. Those were a few of my observations looking back into my childhood. I’m an adult now and I am married with no children. And as a husband, I am very thankful and fortunate to have a woman like my wife in my life.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Mylo: Been married for 29 years

DBM: That’s wonderful. Anyways, hello! How are you doing?

Mylo: I’m fine David. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How did you meet your wife?

Mylo: We were friends in primary school and had kept in touch somehow.

DBM: When did you know you were developing deeper feelings for her?

Mylo: When I was in Mfantsipim School. I was finding ways to reach out to her because I realized how devoted I was exclusively to her and the friendship we shared. She was the only image of a woman capturing my wild imaginations.

DBM: Is she still the only image capturing your imaginations?

Mylo: I have not been with any other woman since the day I knew I had fallen in love with her. I’m drawn to her like bees to honey.

DBM: But you’ve been tempted or attracted to others every now and then, no?

Mylo: David, this may come as a shock but I’ve always been committed to my wife.

DBM: Why do you think other men find it so easy to be unfaithful?

Mylo: A man decides what he wants to do. A woman doesn’t have to do anything wrong to make a man cheat. He decides not to be honest. He decides when it’s convenient to lie. He decides who to play the field with. He decides when he thinks he’s ready to marry or not. All these decisions are made by the man without the help from a woman.

DBM: So, life and marriage in general is perfect for you then?

Mylo: My marriage isn’t perfect. We have our ups and downs. She gets mad at me every now and then but she loves me. I love my wife. Even in times she’s said or done something to get on my nerves, I remind myself of how much she loves me, and that she’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. I tell myself we will get through it. And we always do.

DBM: What would you tell the single, young woman reading this conversation and thinking of getting married someday?

Mylo: Do not assume that because you want to be married at a certain age means all the men you are dating and attracted to are ready for marriage. A lot of men do not want to outgrow their single phase. Conditioning such a man to marry you only gets you a husband at home. He’s partially single when he’s out of the house.

DBM: I know a number of married men who have told me they’re cheating on their wives because they’re not getting enough sex at home. What’s your take on that?

Mylo: Sex should not threaten love. As men, we need to know how to ask our wives for intimacy, not just sex. If I’m to cheat on my wife, it’s because I choose to be selfish. I’ll either choose to be dishonest or choose not to. My inability to fully commit to my marriage and wife isn’t the doing of anyone but myself.

DBM: You have no children, you said?

Mylo: No children and it’s okay. We all can’t have it all. The life I’ve built with my wife and the happiness we’ve created in our marriage feels like all the family we’ve ever wanted. My wife is full of love and is excited about me. I’m challenged everyday to remember why I married her and the home we look forward to in our future together, even if children are not a part of it. We are living a very contented, satisfying life.

DBM: What do you say to couples out there walking in these same shoes without children?

Mylo: You cannot pull the child-card as your excuse to betray the trust your spouse has in you. Doing that simply means your reasons for marrying wasn’t love. Know the bigger vision and purpose for your marriage. The love and connection beyond what you thought you could have or want.

Image Credit: Jbsp Kox’s

Love In Both Worlds

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Snow: Dave, I’m in your inbox today

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Snow: Living the dream, Bruh. Don’t wake me up. Lol

DBM: You’re funny. Lol! Smh! What’s on your mind?

Snow: So, I read one of your conversations and it brought back some funny memories.

DBM: Which of them?

Snow: The girl having a child with her father.

DBM: Oh, okay! That’s a recent chat.

Snow: Yes

DBM: What’s funny about it?

Snow: My wife is 18 years my senior. And I had dated her daughter in the past

DBM: 18 years your senior, meaning, your wife is 18 years older than you?

Snow: Yes, but she doesn’t look her age. In fact, I look older than her if we don’t disclose our ages

DBM: How long have you been married?

Snow: 11 years

DBM: How old are you now?

Snow: 39

DBM: You dated her daughter you said?

Snow: Yeah, a long time ago. I didn’t know about her mother, though she had told me she was her mother’s only child. Her father died when she was 7years old. She was my girlfriend when she was in first year at UG Legon.

DBM: And you dated for how long?

Snow: 7 months before my graduation

DBM: And, you never met her mother during that phase of your relationship?

Snow: I didn’t.

DBM: How did you meet her mother?

Snow: 2 years after breaking up with her daughter. I applied for a job, got shortlisted and she was part of the interviewing panel.

DBM: I see

Snow: I couldn’t stop making eye contact with her when she asked me to walk her through my resume. I realized she wasn’t married because I checked that finger and we caught each other’s eyes and smiled at each other. The weirdest shit I’ve ever done in an interview.

DBM: You’re that confident, huh?

Snow: Calm and confident

DBM: Interesting

Snow: She asked only two questions. Her last question was what I could bring to the company as a demonstration of my skills in leadership. Funnily enough, I didn’t realize the others on the panel had realized I couldn’t take my eyes off my wife. Instead of answering the question, I rather was telling her how great I was at making tough decision while also listening to my woman and being willing to admit to her when I am wrong. I told her I would include my woman in imagining the future. I also said we would discuss household responsibilities together and make sure they are fairly dispersed. I made her understand that I was going to always consult with her on all major financing decisions. I made her know I was going to follow through with any commitment I would make to her, etc. Dave, it was crazy

DBM: Wait, what was her question again?

Snow: Lol. I didn’t get hired.

DBM: I figured. Lol!

Snow: But they had a good laugh. They told me point blank that I wasn’t going to get the job but asked if I had any questions for the panel. I turned to my wife and asked if she was single

DBM: For real?

Snow: True story Dave. I asked for her number when she confirmed being single. A member of the panel asked if I knew her age. She told me her age and I was in shock. I held on to her number for couple of weeks to think through my feelings before finally giving her a call to ask her out on a date. We realized how deep our connection was. It was beyond sexual attraction.

DBM: Wow! What happened next?

Snow: I fell in love with her eventually and we’ve remained best friends and lovers ever since.

DBM: Has it been an easy relationship and marriage?

Snow: It’s been one struggle after the other but we’re still managing through it. I fell in love with my wife that fast and I love her even harder today.

DBM: The age gap, I mean, is a bit yawning. Were you not concerned about what the outside world would perceive of you?

Snow: My wife actually wanted me to marry someone my age bracket and have children but I was in love and didn’t see why I couldn’t be with her.

DBM: The conversation about her daughter, how did it begin?

Snow: Dave, that is a long story to be told for another day. Lol

DBM: Not even a bit of tea? Lol!

Snow: She showed me a picture of her daughter on our first date and she noticed my discomfort. I told her the truth and it was an awkward night afterwards. She didn’t speak to me for weeks. I called her daughter and explained the coincidence to her and she burst into laughter. I later came to find out she had reached out to her mother to tell her what a good guy I was.

DBM: Are you a good guy?

Snow: I am a wonderful husband to my wife and friend to my step daughter.

DBM: Whom you used to fuck

Snow: I’ve had a taste of both worlds but life goes on.

DBM: How did your relationship with her daughter end on campus?

Snow: She was messing around with another guy. I ended it between us.

DBM: I see. Some of your age mates are campaigning rigorously for men to only go for girls under the age of 30. What’s your take on that?

Snow: The fact is that, women over 30 know quite a lot about men because of their experiences with men in their pasts. They know we cheat and mostly are all for the hook up; we lie, we ghost and would assault if given the chance. They know when not to trust a man at the tipping point of their patience. An under 30 girl tolerates almost anything mediocre so far as there is something monetary to gain.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife with another woman?

Snow: No

DBM; Do you think younger men ought to consider pursuing older women?

Snow: Dave, love can be found in unexpected places and more often than not. It’s all about respect and honor. A man will not disappoint or betray his love for you if he respects and honors you. This is my best relationship so far, though it looks nothing like what I used to imagine for myself when I was young. My love feels right though unconventional. We understand each other and we compromise for each other.

DBM: Well said!

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

Love Is Not Always A Choice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Zion: Before I got married to my wife, she was my mother’s favorite hairdresser. My mother lived with me 22 years ago. No hairdresser in our area could fulfill my mum’s enormous hair goals. She expected me to always drive her to the saloon, pay her hairdresser and then later pick her back home. The two times she forced me to walk her into the saloon so she could introduce me to the single women working there, her favorite hairdresser was absent. I met beautiful ladies though, and got to hear interesting stories about their lives and why they would make perfect wives. By the way, my mother’s favorite hairdresser was then married. My mum asked me to drive her to a friend’s house one weekend, and it just happened to be my wife’s home. She had missed two bookings with my mother and she was worried something could be wrong with her. We got to her house and she informed us about her struggle with cancer. She could not adjust to the changes cancer brought to her life because she did not have a strong emotional support. Her husband wasn’t often present at home.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good evening. How are you doing?

Zion: I am fine, David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. This is a sad story

Zion: It’s not a sad story.

DBM: It’s not?

Zion: Let me tell you what happened next. My mother started to make regular but short visits to her, and of course, I was the one always driving her to and fro. One thing I found striking about my wife was her ability to still be cheerful and would say funny things to make us laugh, even though she was in great pain. On one of those visits to her house, we were greeted with sad news. Her husband had been involved in a vehicular accident and had lost his life. His pregnant girlfriend survived the accident.

DBM: Pregnant girlfriend?

Zion: Dave, not every marriage is strong enough to survive a cancer diagnosis. My wife was telling us about the additional pressure and the distress her diagnosis had on her marriage with her late husband. It was a difficult challenge for him to navigate. She was telling my mother her inability to engage in sex with her late husband was due to the dryness in her vagina.

DBM: But is intimacy all about intercourse?

Zion: What counts as sex for you?

DBM: Sex to me should be any creative activity that is pleasurable enough to connect me to my partner emotionally.

Zion: Example?

DBM: I know how to give a good massage that can release me off stress.

Zion: Two weeks after her husband’s burial, my mother asked me to drive her to her chemotherapy treatment. We had an hour and half long meeting with her doctor. She had been struggling with the side effects of the medications and the procedure. It was a tough call but I was willing to be there for her.

DBM: Why?

Zion: At first, it was for my mother’s sake but later I became fond of her. I fell in love with her.

DBM: Did she have any children?

Zion: No.

DBM: How long after her husband’s burial before falling in love?

Zion: Exactly three weeks.

DBM: You could fall in love that quickly?

Zion: I didn’t have any desire for her to love me back. Loving her was good enough for me to be there for her. And I was willing to love her even through the cancer.

DBM: When did you know you were in love?

Zion: The day I decided to take six months off work to support her at home. I had no reason to do that but I did it. Loving someone isn’t a choice you make. It’s something you just do because you rejoice in it. It didn’t make sense to my mother. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone.

DBM: Was she also in love with you?

Zion: She didn’t have to, Dave. I was willing to be the only one in that situationship to be having her best interest at heart. What I felt for my wife was willing to endure cancer with her. I was willing to share her pain and grief. I am still persisting against all odds 20 years later.

DBM: That’s how long you’ve been married?

Zion: Yes.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

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