Children Are Always Watching

Akuba: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Akuba: Can you chat? I don’t have the clearness of mind to type my issue in length. I will flow if we discuss.

DBM: Sup?

Akuba: My daughter wants me to leave her father

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Akuba: 14

DBM: I see. Are you married to her dad?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Okay! Why does she want you to leave him?

Akuba: She thinks I am not happy with him

DBM: What makes her think that?

Akuba: I don’t even know. Lol! Children.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Akuba: I am ok.

DBM: Define okay.

Akuba: I mean, it could have been worse but it’s not for now.

DBM: Are you happy?

Akuba: Not really

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: Dave, life is not all about my happiness.

DBM: I concur.

Akuba: Yeah. I can manage. I will be fine.

DBM: If you were presented an opportunity to redo marriage in your next life, would you still be doing it with the father of your daughter?

Akuba: Never

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: I don’t have a reason. I just wouldn’t. I would rather be single.

DBM: I see. Does he make you happy?

Akuba: He used to.

DBM: Why doesn’t he anymore?

Akuba: Dave, you might have to ask him because as I sit here right now, I don’t have an answer to that question.

DBM: That is rather unfortunate.

Akuba: I know. Life happens.

DBM: How do you intend explaining situations to your child?

Akuba: She will grow to understand

DBM: Understand what?

Akuba: Marriage and life and all.

DBM: Do you understand that your happiness, as her mother, is just as important to raising a healthy, well-developed child?

Akuba: I know

DBM: And that, if being with her father does not situate you in an environment that you can be 100% your authentic self and the best parent you know you can ever be to her, then it is hardly the best decision to be staying where you are, thinking ‘it could have been worse’.

Akuba: Yeah

DBM: Are you sure you are doing alright?

Akuba: I’m fine

DBM: When you put your marriage on the table, is it salvageable?

Akuba: I used to love my husband very much. It used to be the two of us against the world

DBM: Let’s put your marriage on the table. Is it salvageable?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Good! Have you tried counselling?

Akuba: I have

DBM: How about him?

Akuba: I wouldn’t know. He is difficult to have a sit-down with to discuss our relationship.

DBM: Is your husband still interested in you?

Akuba: I doubt that

DBM: Are you interested in him?

Akuba: I don’t know

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to him?

Akuba: Sometimes. I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Do you still love him?

Akuba: I care about him, yes.

DBM: You love him?

Akuba: I love him

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Akuba: Not at the moment

DBM: But you could fall in love with him again if situations were to change for the better?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Is he physically abusive?

Akuba: He almost hit me once. My daughter witnessed it

DBM: Is he verbally abusing you?

Akuba: Yes. Our daughter has been a witness to that also. A lot of it

DBM: Is he a good father to your child?

Akuba: He is

DBM: Is he a good husband to you?

Akuba: He used to, when we first married.

DBM: You have just one child, no?

Akuba: 2. A boy and a girl

DBM: How old is your son?

Akuba: 11

DBM: Your children are learning how to treat others by the example you and your husband are setting in how you treat each other.

Akuba: Are you married, David?

DBM: Yes, I am

Akuba: Do you look at your wife as though she’s not pretty enough to you anymore? Do you look at your wife as though you regret marrying her? Do you speak to her anyhow? Do you justify having affairs? Do you intentionally do things to frustrate, push or force your wife away from you and your marriage?

DBM: Is that what you are dealing with?

Akuba: Yes. I sometimes feel stuck and screwed in this marriage.

DBM: For the past seven years, I have come to understand that, I can use my words and actions to be a blessing or I can use my words and actions to be a curse to my partner. Even when I am justified; I mean, completely justified to be angry and upset – I am commanded by the Word of GOD to treat my partner with gentleness, kindness and understanding.

Akuba: You are making me cry. It’s not easy, David

DBM: You and your husband cannot under any circumstance expect more from your children than you both do out of yourselves. Your children are always watching and taking mental account. Is it really worth it to you, to keep a family dynamic together for your children’s sake?

Image Credit:  Marlon Schmeiski