Friend Is Benefit

Jaisha: Dave, let’s discuss friendship

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh, cool! Great subject

Jaisha: Are you a good friend to your close friends?

DBM: I would categorize myself as an ‘okay’ friend.

Jaisha: What does that mean?

DBM: Meaning, I’m there but would hardly drive the relationship.

Jaisha: In short, you’re a bad friend?

DBM: I am not a ‘bad’ friend. I’m just bad at being intentional at holding the emotional currency that sustains friendship.

Jaisha: So, you don’t put in the required effort. Is that what you’re saying?

DBM: Something like that. It’s not the best of excuse but I don’t know how to make tangible and meaningful deposits in a friendship. I’m always the withdrawn one from the equation.

Jaisha: You don’t like people?

DBM: I like people from afar. I love on and care about people from a distance. But I have always been the listening ear and conversation in times that they need someone to uplift them. I wouldn’t hang out necessarily with them, but I can be present when it’s that crucial time to be there for them to feel understood and comforted.

Jaisha: Do you have a best friend?

DBM: Yes, I do. She’s a crazy-fun lady. I love her dearly.

Jaisha: Have you slept with her before?

DBM: Eish! Why all these questions?

Jaisha: I will be sharing my story soon. I just need a little bit of context to my story

DBM: Lol! I see. No, we have not extended our friendship to the intercourse phase.

Jaisha: Will it or can it ever get there?

DBM: The love we share is like the brother/sister vibe. Nothing sexual

Jaisha: But you talk about sex?

DBM: As a general topic, yes.

Jaisha: My best friend is a married man. His best friend is a married woman, me.

DBM: Okay?

Jaisha: And my husband does not understand why I keep a married man in my life as my best friend.

DBM: Have you clarified his confusion?

Jaisha: I have tried but he’s not buying it. The two instances he’s seen us having lunch together, my friend didn’t have his wedding ring on. I didn’t even notice it. My husband drew my attention to it in an argument at home. My husband has started reading meanings into it.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Jaisha: 17 years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

Jaisha: 10 years. We’ve been married for nine years.

DBM: Are you and your friend, without fail, looking for a chance or the right opportunity to fuck each other?

Jaisha: No, Dave. It hasn’t even crossed my mind.

DBM: You haven’t flirted, fucked, kissed or touched each other inappropriately in the past 17 years?

Jaisha: We have not. But we hug each other when we meet up.

DBM: How often do you meet up?

Jaisha: Twice in a month for lunch or dinner. We have a lot of fun hanging out talking.

DBM: And, how often are you out on a date with your husband in a month?

Jaisha: Dave, my husband is not the romantic type. He’s not interested in doing anything outside the ordinary to enhance intimacy and build on our connection.

DBM: But he’s affectionate, no?

Jaisha: Sometimes he is. I can’t complain

DBM: Is his love for you shown or hidden?

Jaisha: The love is there. I see it in his actions and commitment

DBM: How long has your friend been married?

Jaisha: 11 years or almost 11 years.

DBM: Have you ever found him attractive?

Jaisha: Of course. He’s a very handsome man

DBM: Does he find you attractive?

Jaisha: I should think so. I am a chic chick

DBM: And did you ever attempt pursuing one another when you both used to be single and available?

Jaisha: No

DBM: Why not?

Jaisha: Our friendship means something to us.

DBM: Define your friendship with him.

Jaisha: Let me tell you why I like him instead. He is a very smart man. I learn a lot from him. He is the funniest guy I have ever met. He is enthusiastic and very caring. He’s that energy you want to hang out with to clear your mind. He is a decent, honorable man

DBM: How did you meet?

Jaisha: We met at a conference. I made a presentation and he was impressed. He made his presentation and I was in awe of him and his ideas. When the conference wrapped up, he approached and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, and he invited me out the following week for a drink. We have been best friends since. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Do you enjoy being married to your husband?

Jaisha: I love my husband. Four years ago, I could have said I would choose him over and over again but he betrayed my trust in him, and I’m not sure I’m 100% all into him.

DBM: What did he do?

Jaisha: He had an affair with another woman

DBM: What was his reason for the betrayal?

Jaisha: He could not believe that a beautiful woman could be friends with a rich, handsome man and not be sexual with him.

DBM: Even after telling him there were no boundaries being crossed in your friendship?

Jaisha: My husband runs with any excuse to act up

DBM: A mature man or woman should be able to honor healthy boundaries with the opposite sex whether or not they’re sexually attracted to them. I’m curious to know what your husband’s ideas are on what it means to be a man. Is he the type that feels he needs to win at all cost?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: The type to want to propose all the important rules in his relationship with a woman?

Jaisha: Pretty much

DBM: Wants to make all the money and can sleep with whomever at any time?

Jaisha: That is his argument with his fellow guys

DBM: Does he cry or show emotion or weakness?

Jaisha: Infrequently

DBM: These immature kinds often are slaves to their sexual energies and toxic masculinity exuberances.

Jaisha: My husband wants me to choose between him and my friend.

DBM: That’s not fair

Jaisha: I am doing no such thing.

DBM: You’re willing to lose your marriage over a friendship?

Jaisha: No Dave. I am willing to let an insecure man easily go.

DBM: Interesting.

Jaisha: My husband lost his job a couple of years ago. Do you know who was giving me a monthly support allowance of Ghs 2,500 to be given to him?

DBM: Your friend?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: Does your husband know this?

Jaisha: He will find out today through our conversation, since I told him I will be having a chat with you about our situation. My friend told me not to let him know he was the one supporting him because he didn’t want him to feel his ego has been bruised.

DBM: So, your husband was of the impression that you were the one giving him the stipend?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: How long was he unemployed?

Jaisha: A year and four months.

DBM: And your friend was supporting him financially every month?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: That is a good man

Jaisha: He is an awesome friend everyone should have in their corner. He talked me into giving my husband a second chance when he cheated on me. He is the reason I forgave his affair and still stayed in the marriage.

DBM: That’s kind of you. I think your husband is projecting his lifestyle outside of the home on you. He thinks you’re doing what he has always been up to, sleeping around.

Jaisha: This thing called married…

DBM: I know, right! Choosing to do right by your marriage and spouse is still your choice. I wake up every day reminding myself that, making my marriage work isn’t going to be dependent on my partner and me making the effort. I as an individual should be intentional to want to save or make my marriage a success on my own. I contribute my strength and the other contributes theirs. In the end, we both show each other how to open our hearts and connect it to each other.

Jaisha: I am doing the best I can till he gives me another good reason to stop.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight