Tag: Friendship

The Marriage I Want

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to be held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Paying Him Forward – [After The Date – Update]

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: The date night went well. I was nervous but we both showed the best versions of ourselves.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you wish to see him again?

Lorraine: I don’t think so

DBM: Why not?

Lorraine: I doubt it would lead anywhere

DBM: Was that his conclusion too?

Lorraine: No. He wants a second date

DBM: How was the conversation like, between the two of you?

Lorraine: It flowed nicely. He maintained eye contact with me throughout the date. He asked very sensible questions and was of course, flirting with me. He found me attractive.

DBM: You asked the question?

Lorraine: I did, when I realized he would quickly smile back at me anytime I smiled about something he had said. We initially were seated opposite each other by the table but before the date ended, he had drawn closer to my chair and was leaning into the conversation.

DBM: If I am interested in someone and what they have to say, I would lean closer too. That’s a positive sign I believe.

Lorraine: I thought so till the awkward moment.

DBM: Oh Oh! What did he do now?

Lorraine: I asked about his feelings for my daughter.

DBM: And?

Lorraine: He said that chapter had closed. I asked if they were intimate in the three years of their friendship. He first cleared his throat, slowly sipped his drink. And then smiled. And then there was that awkward pause. He then said he didn’t want to lie to me.

DBM: Lie to you about what?

Lorraine: That was all he said.

DBM: How did the date end?

Lorraine: On a good note. He drove me back home, talked a bit in his car in front of my gate, gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.

DBM: Do you mind me asking a few personal questions?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Can you take me through your activities for the day, leading to the date?

Lorraine: I woke up to a text message from him. A greeting and how he was looking forward to our date. He asked me not to drive to work that morning because his driver was on his way to pick me up to work. My daughter had given him the locations to my house and work. His driver brought me flowers. I thought that was very sweet of him. I was taken to work, and was picked up from work later by him.

DBM: Okay! What kind of conversations did you have on the date?

Lorraine: We talked about almost everything important to us. He wanted to know more about my life, my interests, anything in my past I was willing to share and my plans for the future. He shared his with me too. We were very expressive about our feelings.

DBM: Was there chemistry between the two of you?

Lorraine: There was chemistry, so much chemistry that could have led to sex if I had allowed it.

DBM: Okay! Describe the relationship between you and your daughter to me.

Lorraine: You might not quite get it but my daughter is my best friend. I was a parent to her when she was young but as she grew into this amazing young woman, the friendship component to our mother-daughter relationship suddenly has blossomed. Dave, the desire of every mother is for their children to like them. My daughter has always liked me. Even in the years I thought she wouldn’t need me anymore, she would come and take me out shopping or fine dining. It melts my heart when she calls me every day to tell me how much she loves me. She makes all the scarifies I’ve made for her sake worth it. Watching my baby girl grow into the lady she’s becoming is more rewarding than I could have ever thought.

DBM: What’s the story between you and her biological father?

Lorraine: He was the branch manager at my second employment. I had been hired as the assistant to the Relationship Manager to enhance client satisfaction while driving revenue growth. He used to seek my opinions on investments and financial services. We became more than friends and I got pregnant in the process. The day I shared the news with him; he told me he was engaged and soon to be married to his girlfriend who was also pregnant for him. He gave me the option to abort the pregnancy but I kept it.

DBM: Did you know he had a girlfriend?

Lorraine: No. He told me he was an available man and not married.

DBM: Is he present in your daughter’s life?

Lorraine: He took responsibility from a distance. They’re not so close because his wife doesn’t know about her existence but they manage to meet and catch up from time to time.

DBM: He married the pregnant girlfriend?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: What happened to your relationship with him?

Lorraine: There was no relationship between us after he made me aware he had a girlfriend. It ended the day I shared my pregnancy news.

DBM: Back to your daughter; now we know she probably might have shared more than just a kiss with your date. How does this new information reflect on you?

Lorraine: I am, in equal measures, perturbed and disappointed in her. She should have told me the whole truth.

DBM: Would you have gone on a date with him if she had been honest about her relationship with him?

Lorraine: No. It’s very embarrassing, Dave.

DBM: You have nothing to be embarrassed about, really. You were merely acting on her word, which you believed was the truth.

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Do you intend seeing him again?

Lorraine: No

DBM: You’re certain?

Lorraine: 100%. It was a beautiful connection but my intuition is telling me that he is the type that is really good at creating the right impact on women. He’s skilled in asking the right questions, having eye contact and pretending to be listening to you intently so he can give the best answers. He knows how to connect with single women looking for love and impressing them along the ride. That’s not what I am looking for at the moment.

DBM: I see. It’s all good.

Lorraine: Dave, thank the people on your Facebook page for me. I read all their comments and concerns on our first chat. I did not take their opinions for granted.

DBM: There really are genuine, goodhearted single men out there praying to come into contact with a heart like yours. All the good men aren’t taken. The kind of man you seek doesn’t grow on trees, that is why I am hoping you wouldn’t let the least pleasant experience with this guy daunt you from being openminded to what else there is to come. Because another unique experience will come your way. Do not close off so easily nor sit home waiting for a man to fall out of the sky and land on your lap. Go out there. Make new friends. Put your energies into the right people and trust that you can do right by yourself.

Lorraine: You are so kind. You are so kind. Thank you David.

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Paying Him Forward

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: Hello David. I want to talk about something

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Lorraine: As wonderful as ever.

DBM: Good to know. What’s on your mind?

Lorraine: My daughter wants to hook me up with a man who initially was interested in, and pursuing her.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Lorraine: 26

DBM: How old are you?

Lorraine: 48. I had my daughter when I was very young, in my early twenties.

DBM: And how old is this guy we’re talking about?

Lorraine: 52

DBM: I see. And to what extent did your daughter go with this man during his pursuit of her?

Lorraine: She said they only kissed

DBM: How many times?

Lorraine: Once.

DBM: How long has he known your daughter?

Lorraine: They’ve been friends for three years

DBM: She defined their relationship as ‘friendship’?

Lorraine: Friends

DBM: With no type of benefits?

Lorraine: Not that I know of. I’m just going by my daughter’s word

DBM: And you trust your daughter?

Lorraine: 100%. She wouldn’t lie to me

DBM: Have you met this man?

Lorraine: Not yet

DBM: But you’ve spoken to him before?

Lorraine: Once on the phone

DBM: What did you talk about?

Lorraine: Nothing. She wanted me to say hello to her friend and I did.

DBM: Why is she passing him on to you?

Lorraine: She’s met someone younger and closer to her age that she really likes.

DBM: And the 52-year-old knows this?

Lorraine: Yes. I’ve always taught my daughter that anytime she’s no longer interested in dating a guy, she had to break up with him quickly rather than dragging the relationship on for months or years.

DBM: Is he single? As in, no one else in the world somewhere thinks they’re in an intimate or exclusive relationship with him?

Lorraine: Yes, my daughter confirmed that

DBM: Are you single?

Lorraine: I am single.

DBM: Are you interested in this man?

Lorraine: I want to get to know him. He seems like a great person.

DBM: Is he interested in knowing you?

Lorraine: Yes, I got a text message from him, asking me out on a date.

DBM: Has he any kids?

Lorraine: He has two grown boys.

DBM: I don’t see any wrong in this exploration, unless I’m missing something

Lorraine: I think I’m a bit skeptical because he has been interested in my daughter for three years

DBM: He likes them young

Lorraine: That’s my biggest fear, Dave.

DBM: You’re a young woman yourself. You don’t look 48

Lorraine: Thank you but I’m still concerned.

DBM: About?

Lorraine: His preference in age

DBM: Has he specifically told you or your daughter his desired preference?

Lorraine: No

DBM: So, ask him on the date

Lorraine: Ask him what?

DBM: If he finds you attractive. As sensitive a subject as it is, people’s preferences and motivations do vary, whether you like it or not. We all can’t go for the same things.

Lorraine: What if he doesn’t?

DBM: Then he doesn’t! Life goes on. There are a few things that would only come with age

Lorraine: Like?

DBM: Like hearing the heart of your mind in thoughts even before you utter a word. If you can command a man’s attention with your presence, you will have his attention on something else other than what he usually would go for. You have to look it, because sometimes it’s the look (for most men). For others, it’s the vibe they sense the moment you walk into the room.

Lorraine: It wouldn’t make him think I’m desperate if I ask the attraction question?

DBM: I mean, a degree of tact and caution is needed but read his countenance regardless, before deciding to ask. But it’s an important question you’d have to ask before returning home from the date.

Lorraine: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Lorraine: You really think I’m beautiful?

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. Why, you don’t think you are?

Lorraine: Women my age have no chance competing with these young girls. The beauty standards of today are equated to looking and staying young.

DBM: You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re ageing gracefully. Some men do appreciate experience and maturity in a woman.

Lorraine: Dave, do you trust your gender?

DBM: No! A lot of the men out there are not being real. They’re busy playing roles and putting on spectacular shows to craft an image of perfection for you to fall for. Be in tune with your intuition at all times. That’s the only wake-up call to lead you right. Do not easily fall for their well-rehearsed lines that they feel would get them your needed applause. A lot of these guys looking all nice and important echo nothing short of hollowness. Do not be a victim to how they strategically would edit and revise their way into your heart. GOD made you smart, not desperate. Tap into your smart.

Lorraine: I like the way you talk to me, David.

DBM: Good to know. Keep me updated.

Lorraine: Ok. Bye

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Friend Is Benefit (Update)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, can I give an update please? I am not close friends with my best friend’s wife but she knows about me. I was invited to their wedding. The many times I’ve met with him for lunch or dinner, his wife knew. The same way I inform my husband when it’s those two days in a month lunch or dinner meetings. We stay out for only three hours before returning to our homes. These are rules we laid down when he got married. Dave, this is a man who loves being married to his wife. Anytime he feels like talking about her, you can see from his expression how he seeks to only serve and meet the needs of his wife in love, and not out of obligation like my husband does with me.

He goes home on time after our three hours lunch out. When I tell my husband I am going to be home at a specific time after meeting with my friend, I am home at that exact time. When we are out and his wife calls, he answers the phone. He has passed on his phone to me to say hello to her many times. She’s always asking if he’s treating me right and being a gentleman. Sometimes, we talk on phone for more than 30 minutes, discussing her husband. She’s invited me to her home many times but my husband declines to join, so I end up cancelling and giving excuses all the time. His wife is open to knowing me and my family. My husband is not interested in knowing them.

I’ve been reading the comments under our chat and I understand that people will doubt my friendship with this guy but his wife is highest priority in his life. He and his wife go on dates every week, he’s always pursuing her even after being married to her for this long. Things that are import to his wife are important to him. He’s asked me a couple of times for ideas on what a woman would like for her birthday or Valentine’s Day. He remembers their wedding anniversaries and is always planning surprises for her. My husband doesn’t remember my birthday until I am celebrating myself on social media. He doesn’t remember our wedding anniversary till I bring it up. But hey, who is comparing? I cannot even complain because that is what I got. And it is this same friend who has been encouraging me to be content with what I have for a husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Can I ask a personal question?

Jaisha: You can

DBM: What about him, makes you want to give six hours of your time every month to be in his presence?

Jaisha: I learn from him. I learn from his marriage. And I am learning how to properly love my husband through another man’s perspective.

DBM: In your opinion, what does he think a man is supposed to be doing to make his partner feel valued?

Jaisha: He’s told me he is the type always inquiring from his wife to know what he can do to be of assistance to her at home. He is responsive to her needs at all times. He helps her at home, and his wife has testified to that. The way he talks about her in public is honoring. When he’s home from work, his attention is on his wife and children alone. He wouldn’t be on his phone or be watching TV while she is cooking. He joins her in the kitchen to help or talk. His wife has confirmed this to me. And as the head of their family, he leads them through prayer. He is the spiritual leader of their home. He was telling me last month that, though he knows he’s been called as a husband to lead his family, he’s also been called to serve and sacrifice for them. He believes he’s been called to serve his wife.

DBM: Did your husband read our chat?

Jaisha: He did.

DBM: What did he say?

Jaisha: He said nothing. I told my friend to also read. He shared our conversation also with his wife. I think my husband is in shock about the Ghs 2,500 monthly gesture during his unemployment.

DBM: If your husband were to have a female bestie, he spent quality time with, would you be okay with that?

Jaisha: Provided that friendship doesn’t lack integrity, I would be okay with the idea of him having another world out there to inspire him. I will not be jealous of his friends if he’s transparent as I am with him.

DBM: Thank you for this update.

Image Credit: Joshuamckn

Friend Is Benefit

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, let’s discuss friendship

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh, cool! Great subject

Jaisha: Are you a good friend to your close friends?

DBM: I would categorize myself as an ‘okay’ friend.

Jaisha: What does that mean?

DBM: Meaning, I’m there but would hardly drive the relationship.

Jaisha: In short, you’re a bad friend?

DBM: I am not a ‘bad’ friend. I’m just bad at being intentional at holding the emotional currency that sustains friendship.

Jaisha: So, you don’t put in the required effort. Is that what you’re saying?

DBM: Something like that. It’s not the best of excuse but I don’t know how to make tangible and meaningful deposits in a friendship. I’m always the withdrawn one from the equation.

Jaisha: You don’t like people?

DBM: I like people from afar. I love on and care about people from a distance. But I have always been the listening ear and conversation in times that they need someone to uplift them. I wouldn’t hang out necessarily with them, but I can be present when it’s that crucial time to be there for them to feel understood and comforted.

Jaisha: Do you have a best friend?

DBM: Yes, I do. She’s a crazy-fun lady. I love her dearly.

Jaisha: Have you slept with her before?

DBM: Eish! Why all these questions?

Jaisha: I will be sharing my story soon. I just need a little bit of context to my story

DBM: Lol! I see. No, we have not extended our friendship to the intercourse phase.

Jaisha: Will it or can it ever get there?

DBM: The love we share is like the brother/sister vibe. Nothing sexual

Jaisha: But you talk about sex?

DBM: As a general topic, yes.

Jaisha: My best friend is a married man. His best friend is a married woman, me.

DBM: Okay?

Jaisha: And my husband does not understand why I keep a married man in my life as my best friend.

DBM: Have you clarified his confusion?

Jaisha: I have tried but he’s not buying it. The two instances he’s seen us having lunch together, my friend didn’t have his wedding ring on. I didn’t even notice it. My husband drew my attention to it in an argument at home. My husband has started reading meanings into it.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Jaisha: 17 years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

Jaisha: 10 years. We’ve been married for nine years.

DBM: Are you and your friend, without fail, looking for a chance or the right opportunity to fuck each other?

Jaisha: No, Dave. It hasn’t even crossed my mind.

DBM: You haven’t flirted, fucked, kissed or touched each other inappropriately in the past 17 years?

Jaisha: We have not. But we hug each other when we meet up.

DBM: How often do you meet up?

Jaisha: Twice in a month for lunch or dinner. We have a lot of fun hanging out talking.

DBM: And, how often are you out on a date with your husband in a month?

Jaisha: Dave, my husband is not the romantic type. He’s not interested in doing anything outside the ordinary to enhance intimacy and build on our connection.

DBM: But he’s affectionate, no?

Jaisha: Sometimes he is. I can’t complain

DBM: Is his love for you shown or hidden?

Jaisha: The love is there. I see it in his actions and commitment

DBM: How long has your friend been married?

Jaisha: 11 years or almost 11 years.

DBM: Have you ever found him attractive?

Jaisha: Of course. He’s a very handsome man

DBM: Does he find you attractive?

Jaisha: I should think so. I am a chic chick

DBM: And did you ever attempt pursuing one another when you both used to be single and available?

Jaisha: No

DBM: Why not?

Jaisha: Our friendship means something to us.

DBM: Define your friendship with him.

Jaisha: Let me tell you why I like him instead. He is a very smart man. I learn a lot from him. He is the funniest guy I have ever met. He is enthusiastic and very caring. He’s that energy you want to hang out with to clear your mind. He is a decent, honorable man

DBM: How did you meet?

Jaisha: We met at a conference. I made a presentation and he was impressed. He made his presentation and I was in awe of him and his ideas. When the conference wrapped up, he approached and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, and he invited me out the following week for a drink. We have been best friends since. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Do you enjoy being married to your husband?

Jaisha: I love my husband. Four years ago, I could have said I would choose him over and over again but he betrayed my trust in him, and I’m not sure I’m 100% all into him.

DBM: What did he do?

Jaisha: He had an affair with another woman

DBM: What was his reason for the betrayal?

Jaisha: He could not believe that a beautiful woman could be friends with a rich, handsome man and not be sexual with him.

DBM: Even after telling him there were no boundaries being crossed in your friendship?

Jaisha: My husband runs with any excuse to act up

DBM: A mature man or woman should be able to honor healthy boundaries with the opposite sex whether or not they’re sexually attracted to them. I’m curious to know what your husband’s ideas are on what it means to be a man. Is he the type that feels he needs to win at all cost?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: The type to want to propose all the important rules in his relationship with a woman?

Jaisha: Pretty much

DBM: Wants to make all the money and can sleep with whomever at any time?

Jaisha: That is his argument with his fellow guys

DBM: Does he cry or show emotion or weakness?

Jaisha: Infrequently

DBM: These immature kinds often are slaves to their sexual energies and toxic masculinity exuberances.

Jaisha: My husband wants me to choose between him and my friend.

DBM: That’s not fair

Jaisha: I am doing no such thing.

DBM: You’re willing to lose your marriage over a friendship?

Jaisha: No Dave. I am willing to let an insecure man easily go.

DBM: Interesting.

Jaisha: My husband lost his job a couple of years ago. Do you know who was giving me a monthly support allowance of Ghs 2,500 to be given to him?

DBM: Your friend?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: Does your husband know this?

Jaisha: He will find out today through our conversation, since I told him I will be having a chat with you about our situation. My friend told me not to let him know he was the one supporting him because he didn’t want him to feel his ego has been bruised.

DBM: So, your husband was of the impression that you were the one giving him the stipend?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: How long was he unemployed?

Jaisha: A year and four months.

DBM: And your friend was supporting him financially every month?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: That is a good man

Jaisha: He is an awesome friend everyone should have in their corner. He talked me into giving my husband a second chance when he cheated on me. He is the reason I forgave his affair and still stayed in the marriage.

DBM: That’s kind of you. I think your husband is projecting his lifestyle outside of the home on you. He thinks you’re doing what he has always been up to, sleeping around.

Jaisha: This thing called married…

DBM: I know, right! Choosing to do right by your marriage and spouse is still your choice. I wake up every day reminding myself that, making my marriage work isn’t going to be dependent on my partner and me making the effort. I as an individual should be intentional to want to save or make my marriage a success on my own. I contribute my strength and the other contributes theirs. In the end, we both show each other how to open our hearts and connect it to each other.

Jaisha: I am doing the best I can till he gives me another good reason to stop.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight 

Gimme Some Lovin’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edwin: I had not spoken to my father in over nine years and I didn’t know he had been hospitalized. The woman who is now my wife was the nurse helping him to feel calm and fulfilled in his last days of living at the hospital. I returned home late from work one day and there she was by my gate, waiting to deliver a message. My father had requested she facilitated his death in a comfortable and dignified manner as possible. I was his only child, and so he had asked her to find and inform me about his decision.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You and dad, was it a relationship that had drifted apart or it was something else?

Edwin: It was an unhealthy father-son relationship that I knew I didn’t want.

DBM: Understood!

Edwin: Is your father alive?

DBM: Yes

Edwin: What’s your relationship like with him?

DBM: I don’t know! There’s no real relationship and it hasn’t been for years.

Edwin: Does it bother you?

DBM: Nope!

Edwin: What’s the background story?

DBM: Wait! Is this my interview or yours? Lol!

Edwin: It’s our interview, Dave. It should not be a one-sided chat.

DBM: I think he missed out on an opportunity to really get to know me as a person. And because of that, I moved on in life without needing his presence, support or opinions. Anytime I look back and think about the things he used to say to take my spirit, or how he used to treat me, I remember how each one of his actions made me feel. I refuse to ever be made to feel that worthless and broken again. Nobody will subject me to such a state, ever again.

Edwin: I will go back to my story.

DBM: Great!

Edwin: The nurse convinced me to find a way to go and see him, and bond with him in his last days, even if it did not involve me talking to him. It was very late, so I suggested she slept over and left in the morning. She declined the offer and left. I rushed to the hospital the next morning and my father had been pronounced dead. I was allowed to briefly view his body before he was moved.

DBM: Let me backtrack a bit: How did she locate your residence?

Edwin: My father directed her to my best friend’s office, so he could bring her to my house. My father didn’t know where I was staying.

DBM: Well, I’m so sorry about the whole experience. Sometimes, there are no words to describe these feelings and happenings.

Edwin: I honestly couldn’t explain how his passing made me feel. I was transformed by a certain type of grief that made me feel empty and stranded. Dave, I felt paralyzed by not knowing how to feel about his death. I saw the nurse who had come to my house, on duty from a distance, and I could see she very much wanted to provide some solace for me. I could see it in her eyes but she did nothing. She said nothing. I settled every bill I needed to settle at the hospital and left, walking pointlessly in the streets. I later returned to the office as if nothing had happened, closed at the usual time, and then went home. I got home very late and there she was again, waiting.

DBM: The nurse?

Edwin: Yes, my wife. She came up to me with great concern and hugged me so tight for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stop tearing up. That was when I knew she was something special. Her big heart caught my attention that evening and I held on to her. She kept reaching out even on days I just wanted to be alone. She was by my side when I had to travel to see my father’s family to inform them of his passing. She became a shoulder for me to cry on, and I enjoyed listening to all the stories she told me about my father’s two weeks admission to the hospital. We became friends after I had buried my father.

DBM: She seems like a good woman.

Edwin: My wife is the best.

DBM: Was she single?

Edwin: Not initially. Because I made an attempt to kiss her one time and she pushed me away. She told me she was in a relationship and asked if I would be okay if she checked on me again once some time had passed. I didn’t hear from her for about ten months. Then, I fell sick and had to go to the hospital. I asked one of the nurses attending to me about her. I was directed to where she was and I could still feel the excitement her presence used to bring me. She smiled when I smiled and then informed me about her relationship status. She was single and ready to mingle. You should have seen me that afternoon. I was on a cloud of my own because that sense of wonder about her remained throughout the time she had pushed me away. She wouldn’t admit it then but we had a strong, unique bond that only the two of us could understand. Our friendship matured into something beautiful, and somehow, everything clicked. We decided to get married.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Edwin: 18 years.

DBM: That’s nice. 18 good years or 18 some-what good years?

Edwin: It’s been good so far. I would have been a complete mess without her in my life.

DBM: What do you feel is making your marriage work for this long?

Edwin: We talk to each other a lot. And because there is constant communication, we’ve gotten to know each other more. My marriage is doing well because I am interested in whatever my wife wants to discuss with me. I’m never too busy to hear her out. She gets my attention when she wants my attention. A lot of guys would have the time to give their attention to all manner of people and things but their wives. I am the complete opposite. My wife is my priority, she comes first.

DBM: How do you deal with conflict?

Edwin: We have a kissing culture at home. First thing we do when we wake up in the morning, we kiss. We kiss before going to sleep. Conflicts automatically settles because nothing is supposed to break the culture. We still have to kiss even if we’re mad at each other. And Dave, there are kisses, and there are kisses. Some kisses are meant to end wars.

DBM: Hehehe! I love kissing, so I think I get the memo. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Edwin: One of my key strengths I’d say is, my intention to always present myself attractive to my wife. I let her see my heart for God. And because she’s a witness to that, she gets to experience God’s kindness, patience, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, faithfulness, truth, wisdom, beauty, humility, support, care and love in me. When a woman experiences all these traits in her man, the attraction she has for him grows.

DBM: Did you have a ‘type’ and was your wife your ‘type’?

Edwin: I used to have a type I typically went for. My wife wasn’t in that category. However, getting to know her made me realize how beautiful and physically attractive she was in my eyes. My wife is now definitely my type. I am glad I gave someone I usually wouldn’t go for a chance to speak to my conscience, attitude and heart. Beauty is skin deep. I fell in love with my wife’s character.

DBM: That is what I always tell my very close friends; my partner’s character is the person I know I can spend the rest of my life with. I married character too. Physical appearance has always been superficial and less important to me.

Image Credit: Anna-Nekrashevich

Taking A Chance On Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyrone: Are you free to talk David?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please. How are you doing?

Tyrone: I’m good. Thank you

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Tyrone: I am a married man. We’ve been together for 20 years. We met on KNUST campus. I remember my whole world changing when she first walked into our lecture hall and sat right next to me. She asked of my name and our first conversation started. We’ve been talking every single day since then.

DBM: ‘Been together’, meaning married for?

Tyrone: Yes

DBM: Good for you!

Tyrone: Lately, I’ve been developing affection and care towards someone else.

DBM: Who?

Tyrone: A very good friend of mine.

DBM: Does your wife know her?

Tyrone: No

DBM: How did you first meet?

Tyrone: It’s a him

DBM: A man?

Tyrone: A man.

DBM: I see.

Tyrone: Are you surprised?

DBM: Nope! It’s a subject I find delight in discussing.

Tyrone: We’ve not done anything physical yet but we’ve established the fact that there is this intense chemistry between us. My emotions have been completely caught off-guard. At first, I thought something was wrong with my marriage.

DBM: Is something wrong with your marriage?

Tyrone: No.

DBM: Are you a homosexual?

Tyrone: If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said no. Now, I don’t have a clear answer to that question.

DBM: Have you been with, or been attracted to the same sex before?

Tyrone: This is my first time experiencing such a romantic connection towards a man. So, no.

DBM: Have you been with any other woman since you married your wife?

Tyrone: No, but I had been dating women prior to my wife and I making a serious commitment to one another.

DBM: So, for 20 years, you’ve not known any other woman or person but your wife?

Tyrone: Precisely.

DBM: Okay! I commend you on that. Well done!

Tyrone: Thanks.

DBM: Is your friend single?

Tyrone: Yes, divorced.

DBM: Do you have any childhood recollection of you ever being overly, fond of a boy or man?

Tyrone: I had a science teacher in JS 1 that I thought was beautiful in a funny way. I liked the way he dressed and how his trousers fit his back cheeks tightly.

DBM: Are you homophobic?

Tyrone: I used to be. I had issues with anyone who identified as gay. Probably because I was indirectly battling an internal struggle, I wasn’t aware of.

DBM: What kind of ‘struggle’?

Tyrone: I wouldn’t call it a struggle per se. I don’t know, Dave. I can’t explain.

DBM: Let’s go on an imaginary excursion

Tyrone: Okay. Where to?

DBM: The beach. We’re feeling the salty taste of the air. We can feel the wind on our cheeks. Are you feeling it?

Tyrone: I am, yes.

DBM: We’ve been given four hours with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing so hard onto the shore. How is the feeling like?

Tyrone: Calming. I feel happy where I am

DBM: Good! We hear men and women breaking out into the sun by the sea. You open your eyes. What/who are you looking at?

Tyrone: I see all the people and can touch their excitement

DBM: Where is your attention focused at this moment, while staring at the people walking on the beach?

Tyrone: I’m checking both the men and women out.

DBM: Which of the sexes is your attention more drawn to?

Tyrone: I like the ladies in their bikinis. I like the shirtless men in shape and in wet shorts.

DBM: Which gender are you gravitating towards, sexually?

Tyrone: Both

DBM: You wouldn’t mind tapping both asses?

Tyrone: I would tap that of the ladies I am attracted to first, and then explore with the men who find me attractive.

DBM: Is it a maybe sort of, exploration or a definite tap?

Tyrone: The men?

DBM: Yeah!

Tyrone: Definite tap.

DBM: Still on the beach…

Tyrone: I’m here

DBM: You’re not married in this scenario. Your wife shows up as a single woman, walking her dog. Whatever feelings you think you feel towards her surfaces in your heart. The very good male friend you’re developing affection and care towards is jogging shirtless in see-through soaked shorts. Whatever you think you feel for him is on your mind’s eye. Who are you going to approach and invite home?

Tyrone: Invite home for what?

DBM: Knowing you, knowing me; dinner, maybe sex; waking up next to in bed the following morning.

Tyrone: I can’t take both?

DBM: No! The option is to take one home for today.

Tyrone: And I can take the other home the next?

DBM: Maybe, yeah!

Tyrone: I will take the guy home first.

DBM: Why?

Tyrone: My desire to want to explore with him is a living, breathing something that I cannot explain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I do, though our marital sex life isn’t that active anymore. Being with this guy may allow me to have more sex.

DBM: I know you love your wife. You don’t have to explain yourself. The attraction you feel towards the guy, is it only sexual?

Tyrone: No. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his friendship. But I want to experience pleasure without always having to be in control, like when I am with a woman. I want to connect with him in a sexual way and still feel masculine. Am I a bad person for feeling the way I feel?

DBM: There are people who are not ready to have or accept a new definition of yourself. They would probably be the ones to judge you. I don’t judge you. You’re coming into this part of your identity because another person awakened it someway, somehow. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a human. There is no shame in noticing someone other than your wife. Do you want my honest opinion?

Tyrone: That’s why I am here, Dave.

DBM: If whatever feelings you’re developing towards this man is starting to seep heavily into your thoughts, then I would admonish you to consider bringing it to your wife’s attention. You need to tell her the truth so she can be in the known, but most importantly, help you share this concern. If you can do this, it will be a tell on your character: that you are honest and true. That you have courage and enough humility to be weak.

Tyrone: I can’t tell my wife about this, sorry.

DBM: Why not?

Tyrone: Dave, I can’t. It will destroy her trust in me. It will be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

DBM: Then you’re not willing to do the work that it takes to keep a marriage healthy, transparent and vulnerable.

Tyrone: I’m willing to do the work, but I can’t tell her something like this.

DBM: How do you stay true to your wife while, at the same time, feeding another affection developing elsewhere?

Tyrone: I don’t want to deny myself the feelings he’s bringing out of me.

Image Credit: PNW Production

You Oughta Know

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.

Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?

DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.

Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?

DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?

Heather: Who, me?

DBM: Yes, you!

Heather: Never

DBM: Why not?

Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.

DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.

Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest

DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?

Heather: Yes

DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.

Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.

DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.

Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.

DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.

Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me

DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it

Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet

DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?

Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.

DBM: Good luck with that one!

Heather: Why do you say that?

DBM: Trust me, you will need it!

Heather: But why?

DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.

Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different

Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.

Heather: How about sex?

DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.

Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.

DBM: You don’t miss being single?

Heather: No

DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Heather: Always

DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.

Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?

DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.

Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?

DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.

Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?

DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?

Heather: No

DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?

Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.

DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?

Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.

Image Credit: Ovid Burke    

A Brother From Another Mother

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Turff: Hi Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. How are you doing?

Turff: Fine. U?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Turff: I am going straight to the point?

DBM: Sure! What’s up?

Turff: I just found out that one of my best friends – I have known him since we were ten, is gay, and I am upset.

DBM: Why are you upset?

Turff: This guy stole my girlfriend when we were in secondary school and I never forgot about it. I never forgave him.

DBM: Do you still call him ‘your’ friend?

Turff: Yes. He has been there when I truly needed him in the past. I could call on him at 1 o’clock in the morning for literally anything, and he will be there with no hesitancy. I love him like a brother from another mother.

DBM: No one can ‘steal’ a girl from you. It’s all up to the girl. If she decided to leave you for your gay friend, then she wasn’t that much into you.

Turff: I and the girl were very much in love, Dave

DBM: A girl who doesn’t want to be ‘stolen’ in a relationship cannot be taken away by another man

Turff: I am upset because all that while he was a homosexual and he pretended as if he likes girls.

DBM: Look at it also from this angle; your girl needed a moment to step back to allow space – so you both could grow individually. It’s another way of honoring what you two shared and held dear, without forcing it into a shape it cannot hold. You were young. You were in senior high school.

Turff: Anyway, it’s in the past

DBM: The past is a memory we can still appreciate because of the people in it that impacted our lives for the better or worse.

Turff: Yeah. Back to my friend. He reached out to me telling me he needed a place to perch for like six months. He was staying with his friend but has been kicked out.

DBM: How old is he?

Turff: 36

DBM: Does he work?

Turff: Yes, but I don’t think he earns enough

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: For six months?

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: Yes, but I might have to ask my wife.

DBM: Okay! Ask your wife then?

Turff: My wife will not agree

DBM: Have you asked her?

Turff: Not yet

DBM: How do you know she wouldn’t agree?

Turff: She doesn’t approve of homosexuality.

DBM: Oh, okay! If she condemns people like that, then you’ve got to protect her wish.

Turff: Moreso, we have kids. Boys

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Turff: Moreso, we are a Christian household.

DBM: What has it got to do with the other?

Turff: I’m just saying … You know… Trumutrumu tu.

DBM: What is your memory of him? How would you describe your friend to me?

Turff: He is a very nice guy, very polite and respectful. He is thoughtful, honest and very smart. He is not a troublemaker. He used to walk like a girl.

DBM: Smh!

Turff: But it’s true. Lol.

DBM: Why is he being kicked out from his previous abode?

Turff: His roommate found out he sleeps with men.

DBM: Why, were they sharing the same room?

Turff: No.

DBM: Does it bother you that he is same-sex attracted?

Turff: I don’t know. But I know God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah

DBM: Do you know why GOD destroyed those two cities?

Turff: Yes. Men were sleeping with men.

DBM: The account in Genesis 19:6-8, states that, Lot went out to meet an angry mob at his entrance and begged them to rather rape his two virgin daughters. Did you read that part?

Turff: But Dave, the Bible clearly calls homosexuality a sin in Genesis 19.

DBM: That’s not my understanding of that passage. Read Ezekiel chapter 16:49. It says Sodom was destroyed because the people were greedy and arrogant. They were prideful and wicked. They were corrupt and lacked empathy. They were also neglecting the poor amongst them. Because most people in church practice selective outrage, they would rather associate Sodom and Gomorrah with homosexuality, and not address the sexual violence against women and men.

Turff: How about Leviticus? The Bible calls it an abomination.

DBM: I don’t wanna go into this conversation

Turff: Why? What are you scared of?

DBM: I am not scared of this subject. I just don’t see the point in explaining myself to a homophobe

Turff: I am not. I am just asking questions.

DBM: You are not asking questions. You’re using mistranslated Bible scriptures as a weapon to control a narrative.

Turff: Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination. Let’s discus.

DBM: Why do you want us to discuss it?

Turff: Because my wife will use these same scriptures to refuse my friend.

DBM: Will you be comfortable with him staying with you?

Turff: Yes

DBM: I am a Chriatian, and I am not obligated to follow the Mosiac Law. Though some commandments have been brought forward because they are deemed helpful for our faith in the New Testament, I am often tempted to ask which of the commandments are worth keeping today. And if they’re to be kept, what criteria is to be used?

Turff: I don’t quite understand what you are saying but continue. Lol!

DBM: Leviticus 11:4-7 forbids the eating of pig, rabbit, shell-related fishes (crabs, shrimps, etc.). Do you eat any of these today? Leviticus 19:19 forbids the wearing of clothes made with more than one kind of fiber. Does your wife eat fried shrimps with fried yam and shito, while wearing a mixed fabric to look pretty? Do you have tattoos on you?

Turff: No

DBM: Good! Because Leviticus 19:28 forbids it. Does your wife wear trousers?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Deuteronomy 22:5 forbids women from wearing any men’s clothing. Leviticus 19:19 forbids sowing mixed crops. Do you know how vegetables and food-based plants are grown on farms by farmers before being sold to your wife at the market?

Turff: Dave, but I don’t think it’s the same argument.

DBM: It is the same. You brought Leviticus and what it describes as an abomination, no? Leviticus 25:35-37 commands you not to charge interest on loans or take profit from people who do not have, or cannot afford. Leviticus 25:23 bans the selling of land permanently to prevent divide between landowners and serfs. Deuteronomy 21:15-17 calls out the assumption of having multiple wives or concubines a sin. Is your wife the only woman you have been intimate with since you married?

Turff: No.

DBM: Have you ever had sex with a woman on her menstrual period?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Leviticus 18:19, 20:18 calls it a sin. Leviticus 19:33-34 commands us not to treat foreign residents as though they were equal citizens. Are you friends with, and nice to a foreigner? Why do Christians choose which prohibitions in the Bible to apply if not to police and marginalize others? It’s only a small-minded bigot who will refuse to hold people accountable for what Jesus actually said.

Turff: But in Genesis, we all know God created Adam and Eve, and not Adam and Steve?

DBM: The entire creation story in Genesis, to the best of my knowledge was about roots, ancestries, backgrounds, heritage and mainly, companionship. It wasn’t about orientation. Adam and Eve, was a beautiful love story GOD created. They lived their best lives. Let other creations of GOD who find other creations of GOD attractive be. Leave them be if they have shared experiences, which requires the same effort, presence and alignment you bring to the table to make your wife feel loved. What makes you think they don’t deserve what other people bring into their lives? The laughter, the lessons, the love?

Turff: Expunge what I am about to say from our chat

DBM: What now?

Turff: I fucked him when I was in UCC. He was in Legon. He visited me a couple of times.

DBM: What do you mean?

Turff: That doesn’t make me gay

DBM: Wait! Is he the only guy you have had sex with?

Turff: Yes, or maybe, no. But I love pu$$y.

DBM: Did you enjoy the sex with him?

Turff: Yes.

DBM: What happened next?

Turff: Nothing happened next. He was catching feelings. I don’t do feelings.

DBM: You do feelings. You just don’t do feelings with a man. I don’t think you should let him come over and stay. If you can afford to help him rent a place of his own, that would be ideal.

Turff: Why do you say that? I want him to come over

DBM: In-as-much-as you say you enjoy sex with your wife, you also have a desire to engage in sexual acts, specifically anal sex, with a specific man.

Turff: But Dave, I don’t want to date him

DBM: I understand, but what you just told me tells me that your sexual orientation may be more fluid and open to exploration when it comes to sexual experiences, while your choice of romance is more aligned to acting straight and staying married to your wife.

Turff: I can afford to help him rent a place.

DBM: That settles it then.

Turff: But that would also mean, I might be going there to visit him

DBM: That is better than confusing your wife with his presence at home. She would wonder exactly what the man she’s in love with have in common with a homosexual. And by extension, what she possibly could have in common with him. You are that common denominator they both share.

Turff: We had something going. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was fulfilling.

DBM: You had friendship, and that should be good enough. He cannot force you to be what he needs, just as you cannot fix yourself in a situation that doesn’t serve you. That doesn’t erase the good times you shared. It’s okay to sometimes look back and appreciate what he once meant to you. It doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human.

Image Credit: Gweje of Africa

The Waakye Seller

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good evening, David. I want to share my love story but keep me anonymous. I have been married to the same woman for 16 years. She’s the lady seated next to me on my profile picture. I have not known any other woman but her. Before I met my wife, I was always praying for the perfect woman to marry. My wife used to sell waakye for her madam. She helped her cook it and then, she would come and sell. She had set her shop in a busy area near where I used to work.

I always thought she was beautiful but never gathered the courage to tell her. I was one of her loyal customers and she knew exactly how much I was going to spend every time it reached my turn to be served. We got to that stage of knowing each other on a first name basis. She was very popular in the neighborhood because of two things; the food was good and she was pretty. Every guy wanted to buy from her. I got jealous a few times I was in line to buy waakye because she knew almost all the guys by their first names. And the kinds of cars that would park by the roadside just to buy waakye. I felt some of the men wanted to flex with their rides just to catch her attention.

I was next in queue behind a ‘big’ man she was attending to who was asking her a number of personal questions. The man was assuring he could provide nice things for her if she would agree to date him. When I heard him say that, I remembered I also dress to look good just for her. It wasn’t completely for waakye or work. All the corporate guys in the queue were saying the right things and doing the right things to catch her attention. She finished serving the ‘big’ man and for the first time she asked, ‘Kwabena, what do you want?’

She realized I was fuming with jealousy. I wondered what she meant by ‘what did I want!’ Because she had already started topping my usual order with stew, eggs, gari, wele, shito and salad; wrapped in the banana leaf. She handed my food to me, took the money and whispered, “I want to know how you feel. I want to connect with your heart. All I desire is security and trust.”

From that day, I knew I had to pursue her because she was valuable enough to catch my full attention. She saw me beyond the customer she had retained. The fact that she liked me too made me want to be the perfect man for her at all cost. My focus shifted that day on the kind of life I wanted to live, and most importantly, the kind of boyfriend and husband I wanted to be. My favorite waakye seller was an amazing woman and I had to become an amazing man in order to love her well.

I have been a man of my word in the 16 years we’ve been together in holy matrimony. Not once have I dropped a vow because a beautiful woman gave me attention and opportunity. Not once have I considered backing out on my marriage or family or commitments. When we officially decided to be exclusive, I stopped flirting with other women. I was no longer casual texting or communicating with old and new flames. I stopped my eyes from lingering and wandering.

Some of us grew up watching parents do marriage anyhow. My father did not know how to do marriage right with my mother, and because of that, could not teach me what they did not know. So, when I got married, I made a decision to love everything about my waakye seller. The sacrifices this woman has made for me and our children; even how she runs our household. Whenever she shows up for me with intimacy, I am nothing but excited and happy to be one with her. Dave, my wife knows she cannot fail with me by her side and I am always validating and appreciating the little she does for me and the children. Not once have I made her feel unattractive. She’s beautiful and sexy and she’s comfortable flaunting all her assets before me. I have no expectations about how the mother of my children should look, perform in bed or even behave. We should not be the men burdening our wives because I am not.

Image Credit: Darkshade Photos

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