Tag: Friendship

Friend Is Benefit (Update)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, can I give an update please? I am not close friends with my best friend’s wife but she knows about me. I was invited to their wedding. The many times I’ve met with him for lunch or dinner, his wife knew. The same way I inform my husband when it’s those two days in a month lunch or dinner meetings. We stay out for only three hours before returning to our homes. These are rules we laid down when he got married. Dave, this is a man who loves being married to his wife. Anytime he feels like talking about her, you can see from his expression how he seeks to only serve and meet the needs of his wife in love, and not out of obligation like my husband does with me.

He goes home on time after our three hours lunch out. When I tell my husband I am going to be home at a specific time after meeting with my friend, I am home at that exact time. When we are out and his wife calls, he answers the phone. He has passed on his phone to me to say hello to her many times. She’s always asking if he’s treating me right and being a gentleman. Sometimes, we talk on phone for more than 30 minutes, discussing her husband. She’s invited me to her home many times but my husband declines to join, so I end up cancelling and giving excuses all the time. His wife is open to knowing me and my family. My husband is not interested in knowing them.

I’ve been reading the comments under our chat and I understand that people will doubt my friendship with this guy but his wife is highest priority in his life. He and his wife go on dates every week, he’s always pursuing her even after being married to her for this long. Things that are import to his wife are important to him. He’s asked me a couple of times for ideas on what a woman would like for her birthday or Valentine’s Day. He remembers their wedding anniversaries and is always planning surprises for her. My husband doesn’t remember my birthday until I am celebrating myself on social media. He doesn’t remember our wedding anniversary till I bring it up. But hey, who is comparing? I cannot even complain because that is what I got. And it is this same friend who has been encouraging me to be content with what I have for a husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Can I ask a personal question?

Jaisha: You can

DBM: What about him, makes you want to give six hours of your time every month to be in his presence?

Jaisha: I learn from him. I learn from his marriage. And I am learning how to properly love my husband through another man’s perspective.

DBM: In your opinion, what does he think a man is supposed to be doing to make his partner feel valued?

Jaisha: He’s told me he is the type always inquiring from his wife to know what he can do to be of assistance to her at home. He is responsive to her needs at all times. He helps her at home, and his wife has testified to that. The way he talks about her in public is honoring. When he’s home from work, his attention is on his wife and children alone. He wouldn’t be on his phone or be watching TV while she is cooking. He joins her in the kitchen to help or talk. His wife has confirmed this to me. And as the head of their family, he leads them through prayer. He is the spiritual leader of their home. He was telling me last month that, though he knows he’s been called as a husband to lead his family, he’s also been called to serve and sacrifice for them. He believes he’s been called to serve his wife.

DBM: Did your husband read our chat?

Jaisha: He did.

DBM: What did he say?

Jaisha: He said nothing. I told my friend to also read. He shared our conversation also with his wife. I think my husband is in shock about the Ghs 2,500 monthly gesture during his unemployment.

DBM: If your husband were to have a female bestie, he spent quality time with, would you be okay with that?

Jaisha: Provided that friendship doesn’t lack integrity, I would be okay with the idea of him having another world out there to inspire him. I will not be jealous of his friends if he’s transparent as I am with him.

DBM: Thank you for this update.

Image Credit: Joshuamckn

Friend Is Benefit

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, let’s discuss friendship

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh, cool! Great subject

Jaisha: Are you a good friend to your close friends?

DBM: I would categorize myself as an ‘okay’ friend.

Jaisha: What does that mean?

DBM: Meaning, I’m there but would hardly drive the relationship.

Jaisha: In short, you’re a bad friend?

DBM: I am not a ‘bad’ friend. I’m just bad at being intentional at holding the emotional currency that sustains friendship.

Jaisha: So, you don’t put in the required effort. Is that what you’re saying?

DBM: Something like that. It’s not the best of excuse but I don’t know how to make tangible and meaningful deposits in a friendship. I’m always the withdrawn one from the equation.

Jaisha: You don’t like people?

DBM: I like people from afar. I love on and care about people from a distance. But I have always been the listening ear and conversation in times that they need someone to uplift them. I wouldn’t hang out necessarily with them, but I can be present when it’s that crucial time to be there for them to feel understood and comforted.

Jaisha: Do you have a best friend?

DBM: Yes, I do. She’s a crazy-fun lady. I love her dearly.

Jaisha: Have you slept with her before?

DBM: Eish! Why all these questions?

Jaisha: I will be sharing my story soon. I just need a little bit of context to my story

DBM: Lol! I see. No, we have not extended our friendship to the intercourse phase.

Jaisha: Will it or can it ever get there?

DBM: The love we share is like the brother/sister vibe. Nothing sexual

Jaisha: But you talk about sex?

DBM: As a general topic, yes.

Jaisha: My best friend is a married man. His best friend is a married woman, me.

DBM: Okay?

Jaisha: And my husband does not understand why I keep a married man in my life as my best friend.

DBM: Have you clarified his confusion?

Jaisha: I have tried but he’s not buying it. The two instances he’s seen us having lunch together, my friend didn’t have his wedding ring on. I didn’t even notice it. My husband drew my attention to it in an argument at home. My husband has started reading meanings into it.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Jaisha: 17 years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

Jaisha: 10 years. We’ve been married for nine years.

DBM: Are you and your friend, without fail, looking for a chance or the right opportunity to fuck each other?

Jaisha: No, Dave. It hasn’t even crossed my mind.

DBM: You haven’t flirted, fucked, kissed or touched each other inappropriately in the past 17 years?

Jaisha: We have not. But we hug each other when we meet up.

DBM: How often do you meet up?

Jaisha: Twice in a month for lunch or dinner. We have a lot of fun hanging out talking.

DBM: And, how often are you out on a date with your husband in a month?

Jaisha: Dave, my husband is not the romantic type. He’s not interested in doing anything outside the ordinary to enhance intimacy and build on our connection.

DBM: But he’s affectionate, no?

Jaisha: Sometimes he is. I can’t complain

DBM: Is his love for you shown or hidden?

Jaisha: The love is there. I see it in his actions and commitment

DBM: How long has your friend been married?

Jaisha: 11 years or almost 11 years.

DBM: Have you ever found him attractive?

Jaisha: Of course. He’s a very handsome man

DBM: Does he find you attractive?

Jaisha: I should think so. I am a chic chick

DBM: And did you ever attempt pursuing one another when you both used to be single and available?

Jaisha: No

DBM: Why not?

Jaisha: Our friendship means something to us.

DBM: Define your friendship with him.

Jaisha: Let me tell you why I like him instead. He is a very smart man. I learn a lot from him. He is the funniest guy I have ever met. He is enthusiastic and very caring. He’s that energy you want to hang out with to clear your mind. He is a decent, honorable man

DBM: How did you meet?

Jaisha: We met at a conference. I made a presentation and he was impressed. He made his presentation and I was in awe of him and his ideas. When the conference wrapped up, he approached and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, and he invited me out the following week for a drink. We have been best friends since. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Do you enjoy being married to your husband?

Jaisha: I love my husband. Four years ago, I could have said I would choose him over and over again but he betrayed my trust in him, and I’m not sure I’m 100% all into him.

DBM: What did he do?

Jaisha: He had an affair with another woman

DBM: What was his reason for the betrayal?

Jaisha: He could not believe that a beautiful woman could be friends with a rich, handsome man and not be sexual with him.

DBM: Even after telling him there were no boundaries being crossed in your friendship?

Jaisha: My husband runs with any excuse to act up

DBM: A mature man or woman should be able to honor healthy boundaries with the opposite sex whether or not they’re sexually attracted to them. I’m curious to know what your husband’s ideas are on what it means to be a man. Is he the type that feels he needs to win at all cost?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: The type to want to propose all the important rules in his relationship with a woman?

Jaisha: Pretty much

DBM: Wants to make all the money and can sleep with whomever at any time?

Jaisha: That is his argument with his fellow guys

DBM: Does he cry or show emotion or weakness?

Jaisha: Infrequently

DBM: These immature kinds often are slaves to their sexual energies and toxic masculinity exuberances.

Jaisha: My husband wants me to choose between him and my friend.

DBM: That’s not fair

Jaisha: I am doing no such thing.

DBM: You’re willing to lose your marriage over a friendship?

Jaisha: No Dave. I am willing to let an insecure man easily go.

DBM: Interesting.

Jaisha: My husband lost his job a couple of years ago. Do you know who was giving me a monthly support allowance of Ghs 2,500 to be given to him?

DBM: Your friend?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: Does your husband know this?

Jaisha: He will find out today through our conversation, since I told him I will be having a chat with you about our situation. My friend told me not to let him know he was the one supporting him because he didn’t want him to feel his ego has been bruised.

DBM: So, your husband was of the impression that you were the one giving him the stipend?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: How long was he unemployed?

Jaisha: A year and four months.

DBM: And your friend was supporting him financially every month?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: That is a good man

Jaisha: He is an awesome friend everyone should have in their corner. He talked me into giving my husband a second chance when he cheated on me. He is the reason I forgave his affair and still stayed in the marriage.

DBM: That’s kind of you. I think your husband is projecting his lifestyle outside of the home on you. He thinks you’re doing what he has always been up to, sleeping around.

Jaisha: This thing called married…

DBM: I know, right! Choosing to do right by your marriage and spouse is still your choice. I wake up every day reminding myself that, making my marriage work isn’t going to be dependent on my partner and me making the effort. I as an individual should be intentional to want to save or make my marriage a success on my own. I contribute my strength and the other contributes theirs. In the end, we both show each other how to open our hearts and connect it to each other.

Jaisha: I am doing the best I can till he gives me another good reason to stop.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight 

Gimme Some Lovin’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edwin: I had not spoken to my father in over nine years and I didn’t know he had been hospitalized. The woman who is now my wife was the nurse helping him to feel calm and fulfilled in his last days of living at the hospital. I returned home late from work one day and there she was by my gate, waiting to deliver a message. My father had requested she facilitated his death in a comfortable and dignified manner as possible. I was his only child, and so he had asked her to find and inform me about his decision.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You and dad, was it a relationship that had drifted apart or it was something else?

Edwin: It was an unhealthy father-son relationship that I knew I didn’t want.

DBM: Understood!

Edwin: Is your father alive?

DBM: Yes

Edwin: What’s your relationship like with him?

DBM: I don’t know! There’s no real relationship and it hasn’t been for years.

Edwin: Does it bother you?

DBM: Nope!

Edwin: What’s the background story?

DBM: Wait! Is this my interview or yours? Lol!

Edwin: It’s our interview, Dave. It should not be a one-sided chat.

DBM: I think he missed out on an opportunity to really get to know me as a person. And because of that, I moved on in life without needing his presence, support or opinions. Anytime I look back and think about the things he used to say to take my spirit, or how he used to treat me, I remember how each one of his actions made me feel. I refuse to ever be made to feel that worthless and broken again. Nobody will subject me to such a state, ever again.

Edwin: I will go back to my story.

DBM: Great!

Edwin: The nurse convinced me to find a way to go and see him, and bond with him in his last days, even if it did not involve me talking to him. It was very late, so I suggested she slept over and left in the morning. She declined the offer and left. I rushed to the hospital the next morning and my father had been pronounced dead. I was allowed to briefly view his body before he was moved.

DBM: Let me backtrack a bit: How did she locate your residence?

Edwin: My father directed her to my best friend’s office, so he could bring her to my house. My father didn’t know where I was staying.

DBM: Well, I’m so sorry about the whole experience. Sometimes, there are no words to describe these feelings and happenings.

Edwin: I honestly couldn’t explain how his passing made me feel. I was transformed by a certain type of grief that made me feel empty and stranded. Dave, I felt paralyzed by not knowing how to feel about his death. I saw the nurse who had come to my house, on duty from a distance, and I could see she very much wanted to provide some solace for me. I could see it in her eyes but she did nothing. She said nothing. I settled every bill I needed to settle at the hospital and left, walking pointlessly in the streets. I later returned to the office as if nothing had happened, closed at the usual time, and then went home. I got home very late and there she was again, waiting.

DBM: The nurse?

Edwin: Yes, my wife. She came up to me with great concern and hugged me so tight for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stop tearing up. That was when I knew she was something special. Her big heart caught my attention that evening and I held on to her. She kept reaching out even on days I just wanted to be alone. She was by my side when I had to travel to see my father’s family to inform them of his passing. She became a shoulder for me to cry on, and I enjoyed listening to all the stories she told me about my father’s two weeks admission to the hospital. We became friends after I had buried my father.

DBM: She seems like a good woman.

Edwin: My wife is the best.

DBM: Was she single?

Edwin: Not initially. Because I made an attempt to kiss her one time and she pushed me away. She told me she was in a relationship and asked if I would be okay if she checked on me again once some time had passed. I didn’t hear from her for about ten months. Then, I fell sick and had to go to the hospital. I asked one of the nurses attending to me about her. I was directed to where she was and I could still feel the excitement her presence used to bring me. She smiled when I smiled and then informed me about her relationship status. She was single and ready to mingle. You should have seen me that afternoon. I was on a cloud of my own because that sense of wonder about her remained throughout the time she had pushed me away. She wouldn’t admit it then but we had a strong, unique bond that only the two of us could understand. Our friendship matured into something beautiful, and somehow, everything clicked. We decided to get married.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Edwin: 18 years.

DBM: That’s nice. 18 good years or 18 some-what good years?

Edwin: It’s been good so far. I would have been a complete mess without her in my life.

DBM: What do you feel is making your marriage work for this long?

Edwin: We talk to each other a lot. And because there is constant communication, we’ve gotten to know each other more. My marriage is doing well because I am interested in whatever my wife wants to discuss with me. I’m never too busy to hear her out. She gets my attention when she wants my attention. A lot of guys would have the time to give their attention to all manner of people and things but their wives. I am the complete opposite. My wife is my priority, she comes first.

DBM: How do you deal with conflict?

Edwin: We have a kissing culture at home. First thing we do when we wake up in the morning, we kiss. We kiss before going to sleep. Conflicts automatically settles because nothing is supposed to break the culture. We still have to kiss even if we’re mad at each other. And Dave, there are kisses, and there are kisses. Some kisses are meant to end wars.

DBM: Hehehe! I love kissing, so I think I get the memo. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Edwin: One of my key strengths I’d say is, my intention to always present myself attractive to my wife. I let her see my heart for God. And because she’s a witness to that, she gets to experience God’s kindness, patience, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, faithfulness, truth, wisdom, beauty, humility, support, care and love in me. When a woman experiences all these traits in her man, the attraction she has for him grows.

DBM: Did you have a ‘type’ and was your wife your ‘type’?

Edwin: I used to have a type I typically went for. My wife wasn’t in that category. However, getting to know her made me realize how beautiful and physically attractive she was in my eyes. My wife is now definitely my type. I am glad I gave someone I usually wouldn’t go for a chance to speak to my conscience, attitude and heart. Beauty is skin deep. I fell in love with my wife’s character.

DBM: That is what I always tell my very close friends; my partner’s character is the person I know I can spend the rest of my life with. I married character too. Physical appearance has always been superficial and less important to me.

Image Credit: Anna-Nekrashevich

Taking A Chance On Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyrone: Are you free to talk David?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please. How are you doing?

Tyrone: I’m good. Thank you

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Tyrone: I am a married man. We’ve been together for 20 years. We met on KNUST campus. I remember my whole world changing when she first walked into our lecture hall and sat right next to me. She asked of my name and our first conversation started. We’ve been talking every single day since then.

DBM: ‘Been together’, meaning married for?

Tyrone: Yes

DBM: Good for you!

Tyrone: Lately, I’ve been developing affection and care towards someone else.

DBM: Who?

Tyrone: A very good friend of mine.

DBM: Does your wife know her?

Tyrone: No

DBM: How did you first meet?

Tyrone: It’s a him

DBM: A man?

Tyrone: A man.

DBM: I see.

Tyrone: Are you surprised?

DBM: Nope! It’s a subject I find delight in discussing.

Tyrone: We’ve not done anything physical yet but we’ve established the fact that there is this intense chemistry between us. My emotions have been completely caught off-guard. At first, I thought something was wrong with my marriage.

DBM: Is something wrong with your marriage?

Tyrone: No.

DBM: Are you a homosexual?

Tyrone: If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said no. Now, I don’t have a clear answer to that question.

DBM: Have you been with, or been attracted to the same sex before?

Tyrone: This is my first time experiencing such a romantic connection towards a man. So, no.

DBM: Have you been with any other woman since you married your wife?

Tyrone: No, but I had been dating women prior to my wife and I making a serious commitment to one another.

DBM: So, for 20 years, you’ve not known any other woman or person but your wife?

Tyrone: Precisely.

DBM: Okay! I commend you on that. Well done!

Tyrone: Thanks.

DBM: Is your friend single?

Tyrone: Yes, divorced.

DBM: Do you have any childhood recollection of you ever being overly, fond of a boy or man?

Tyrone: I had a science teacher in JS 1 that I thought was beautiful in a funny way. I liked the way he dressed and how his trousers fit his back cheeks tightly.

DBM: Are you homophobic?

Tyrone: I used to be. I had issues with anyone who identified as gay. Probably because I was indirectly battling an internal struggle, I wasn’t aware of.

DBM: What kind of ‘struggle’?

Tyrone: I wouldn’t call it a struggle per se. I don’t know, Dave. I can’t explain.

DBM: Let’s go on an imaginary excursion

Tyrone: Okay. Where to?

DBM: The beach. We’re feeling the salty taste of the air. We can feel the wind on our cheeks. Are you feeling it?

Tyrone: I am, yes.

DBM: We’ve been given four hours with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing so hard onto the shore. How is the feeling like?

Tyrone: Calming. I feel happy where I am

DBM: Good! We hear men and women breaking out into the sun by the sea. You open your eyes. What/who are you looking at?

Tyrone: I see all the people and can touch their excitement

DBM: Where is your attention focused at this moment, while staring at the people walking on the beach?

Tyrone: I’m checking both the men and women out.

DBM: Which of the sexes is your attention more drawn to?

Tyrone: I like the ladies in their bikinis. I like the shirtless men in shape and in wet shorts.

DBM: Which gender are you gravitating towards, sexually?

Tyrone: Both

DBM: You wouldn’t mind tapping both asses?

Tyrone: I would tap that of the ladies I am attracted to first, and then explore with the men who find me attractive.

DBM: Is it a maybe sort of, exploration or a definite tap?

Tyrone: The men?

DBM: Yeah!

Tyrone: Definite tap.

DBM: Still on the beach…

Tyrone: I’m here

DBM: You’re not married in this scenario. Your wife shows up as a single woman, walking her dog. Whatever feelings you think you feel towards her surfaces in your heart. The very good male friend you’re developing affection and care towards is jogging shirtless in see-through soaked shorts. Whatever you think you feel for him is on your mind’s eye. Who are you going to approach and invite home?

Tyrone: Invite home for what?

DBM: Knowing you, knowing me; dinner, maybe sex; waking up next to in bed the following morning.

Tyrone: I can’t take both?

DBM: No! The option is to take one home for today.

Tyrone: And I can take the other home the next?

DBM: Maybe, yeah!

Tyrone: I will take the guy home first.

DBM: Why?

Tyrone: My desire to want to explore with him is a living, breathing something that I cannot explain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I do, though our marital sex life isn’t that active anymore. Being with this guy may allow me to have more sex.

DBM: I know you love your wife. You don’t have to explain yourself. The attraction you feel towards the guy, is it only sexual?

Tyrone: No. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his friendship. But I want to experience pleasure without always having to be in control, like when I am with a woman. I want to connect with him in a sexual way and still feel masculine. Am I a bad person for feeling the way I feel?

DBM: There are people who are not ready to have or accept a new definition of yourself. They would probably be the ones to judge you. I don’t judge you. You’re coming into this part of your identity because another person awakened it someway, somehow. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a human. There is no shame in noticing someone other than your wife. Do you want my honest opinion?

Tyrone: That’s why I am here, Dave.

DBM: If whatever feelings you’re developing towards this man is starting to seep heavily into your thoughts, then I would admonish you to consider bringing it to your wife’s attention. You need to tell her the truth so she can be in the known, but most importantly, help you share this concern. If you can do this, it will be a tell on your character: that you are honest and true. That you have courage and enough humility to be weak.

Tyrone: I can’t tell my wife about this, sorry.

DBM: Why not?

Tyrone: Dave, I can’t. It will destroy her trust in me. It will be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

DBM: Then you’re not willing to do the work that it takes to keep a marriage healthy, transparent and vulnerable.

Tyrone: I’m willing to do the work, but I can’t tell her something like this.

DBM: How do you stay true to your wife while, at the same time, feeding another affection developing elsewhere?

Tyrone: I don’t want to deny myself the feelings he’s bringing out of me.

Image Credit: PNW Production

You Oughta Know

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.

Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?

DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.

Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?

DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?

Heather: Who, me?

DBM: Yes, you!

Heather: Never

DBM: Why not?

Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.

DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.

Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest

DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?

Heather: Yes

DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.

Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.

DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.

Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.

DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.

Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me

DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it

Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet

DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?

Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.

DBM: Good luck with that one!

Heather: Why do you say that?

DBM: Trust me, you will need it!

Heather: But why?

DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.

Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different

Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.

Heather: How about sex?

DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.

Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.

DBM: You don’t miss being single?

Heather: No

DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Heather: Always

DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.

Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?

DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.

Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?

DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.

Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?

DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?

Heather: No

DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?

Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.

DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?

Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.

Image Credit: Ovid Burke    

A Brother From Another Mother

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Turff: Hi Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. How are you doing?

Turff: Fine. U?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Turff: I am going straight to the point?

DBM: Sure! What’s up?

Turff: I just found out that one of my best friends – I have known him since we were ten, is gay, and I am upset.

DBM: Why are you upset?

Turff: This guy stole my girlfriend when we were in secondary school and I never forgot about it. I never forgave him.

DBM: Do you still call him ‘your’ friend?

Turff: Yes. He has been there when I truly needed him in the past. I could call on him at 1 o’clock in the morning for literally anything, and he will be there with no hesitancy. I love him like a brother from another mother.

DBM: No one can ‘steal’ a girl from you. It’s all up to the girl. If she decided to leave you for your gay friend, then she wasn’t that much into you.

Turff: I and the girl were very much in love, Dave

DBM: A girl who doesn’t want to be ‘stolen’ in a relationship cannot be taken away by another man

Turff: I am upset because all that while he was a homosexual and he pretended as if he likes girls.

DBM: Look at it also from this angle; your girl needed a moment to step back to allow space – so you both could grow individually. It’s another way of honoring what you two shared and held dear, without forcing it into a shape it cannot hold. You were young. You were in senior high school.

Turff: Anyway, it’s in the past

DBM: The past is a memory we can still appreciate because of the people in it that impacted our lives for the better or worse.

Turff: Yeah. Back to my friend. He reached out to me telling me he needed a place to perch for like six months. He was staying with his friend but has been kicked out.

DBM: How old is he?

Turff: 36

DBM: Does he work?

Turff: Yes, but I don’t think he earns enough

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: For six months?

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: Yes, but I might have to ask my wife.

DBM: Okay! Ask your wife then?

Turff: My wife will not agree

DBM: Have you asked her?

Turff: Not yet

DBM: How do you know she wouldn’t agree?

Turff: She doesn’t approve of homosexuality.

DBM: Oh, okay! If she condemns people like that, then you’ve got to protect her wish.

Turff: Moreso, we have kids. Boys

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Turff: Moreso, we are a Christian household.

DBM: What has it got to do with the other?

Turff: I’m just saying … You know… Trumutrumu tu.

DBM: What is your memory of him? How would you describe your friend to me?

Turff: He is a very nice guy, very polite and respectful. He is thoughtful, honest and very smart. He is not a troublemaker. He used to walk like a girl.

DBM: Smh!

Turff: But it’s true. Lol.

DBM: Why is he being kicked out from his previous abode?

Turff: His roommate found out he sleeps with men.

DBM: Why, were they sharing the same room?

Turff: No.

DBM: Does it bother you that he is same-sex attracted?

Turff: I don’t know. But I know God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah

DBM: Do you know why GOD destroyed those two cities?

Turff: Yes. Men were sleeping with men.

DBM: The account in Genesis 19:6-8, states that, Lot went out to meet an angry mob at his entrance and begged them to rather rape his two virgin daughters. Did you read that part?

Turff: But Dave, the Bible clearly calls homosexuality a sin in Genesis 19.

DBM: That’s not my understanding of that passage. Read Ezekiel chapter 16:49. It says Sodom was destroyed because the people were greedy and arrogant. They were prideful and wicked. They were corrupt and lacked empathy. They were also neglecting the poor amongst them. Because most people in church practice selective outrage, they would rather associate Sodom and Gomorrah with homosexuality, and not address the sexual violence against women and men.

Turff: How about Leviticus? The Bible calls it an abomination.

DBM: I don’t wanna go into this conversation

Turff: Why? What are you scared of?

DBM: I am not scared of this subject. I just don’t see the point in explaining myself to a homophobe

Turff: I am not. I am just asking questions.

DBM: You are not asking questions. You’re using mistranslated Bible scriptures as a weapon to control a narrative.

Turff: Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination. Let’s discus.

DBM: Why do you want us to discuss it?

Turff: Because my wife will use these same scriptures to refuse my friend.

DBM: Will you be comfortable with him staying with you?

Turff: Yes

DBM: I am a Chriatian, and I am not obligated to follow the Mosiac Law. Though some commandments have been brought forward because they are deemed helpful for our faith in the New Testament, I am often tempted to ask which of the commandments are worth keeping today. And if they’re to be kept, what criteria is to be used?

Turff: I don’t quite understand what you are saying but continue. Lol!

DBM: Leviticus 11:4-7 forbids the eating of pig, rabbit, shell-related fishes (crabs, shrimps, etc.). Do you eat any of these today? Leviticus 19:19 forbids the wearing of clothes made with more than one kind of fiber. Does your wife eat fried shrimps with fried yam and shito, while wearing a mixed fabric to look pretty? Do you have tattoos on you?

Turff: No

DBM: Good! Because Leviticus 19:28 forbids it. Does your wife wear trousers?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Deuteronomy 22:5 forbids women from wearing any men’s clothing. Leviticus 19:19 forbids sowing mixed crops. Do you know how vegetables and food-based plants are grown on farms by farmers before being sold to your wife at the market?

Turff: Dave, but I don’t think it’s the same argument.

DBM: It is the same. You brought Leviticus and what it describes as an abomination, no? Leviticus 25:35-37 commands you not to charge interest on loans or take profit from people who do not have, or cannot afford. Leviticus 25:23 bans the selling of land permanently to prevent divide between landowners and serfs. Deuteronomy 21:15-17 calls out the assumption of having multiple wives or concubines a sin. Is your wife the only woman you have been intimate with since you married?

Turff: No.

DBM: Have you ever had sex with a woman on her menstrual period?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Leviticus 18:19, 20:18 calls it a sin. Leviticus 19:33-34 commands us not to treat foreign residents as though they were equal citizens. Are you friends with, and nice to a foreigner? Why do Christians choose which prohibitions in the Bible to apply if not to police and marginalize others? It’s only a small-minded bigot who will refuse to hold people accountable for what Jesus actually said.

Turff: But in Genesis, we all know God created Adam and Eve, and not Adam and Steve?

DBM: The entire creation story in Genesis, to the best of my knowledge was about roots, ancestries, backgrounds, heritage and mainly, companionship. It wasn’t about orientation. Adam and Eve, was a beautiful love story GOD created. They lived their best lives. Let other creations of GOD who find other creations of GOD attractive be. Leave them be if they have shared experiences, which requires the same effort, presence and alignment you bring to the table to make your wife feel loved. What makes you think they don’t deserve what other people bring into their lives? The laughter, the lessons, the love?

Turff: Expunge what I am about to say from our chat

DBM: What now?

Turff: I fucked him when I was in UCC. He was in Legon. He visited me a couple of times.

DBM: What do you mean?

Turff: That doesn’t make me gay

DBM: Wait! Is he the only guy you have had sex with?

Turff: Yes, or maybe, no. But I love pu$$y.

DBM: Did you enjoy the sex with him?

Turff: Yes.

DBM: What happened next?

Turff: Nothing happened next. He was catching feelings. I don’t do feelings.

DBM: You do feelings. You just don’t do feelings with a man. I don’t think you should let him come over and stay. If you can afford to help him rent a place of his own, that would be ideal.

Turff: Why do you say that? I want him to come over

DBM: In-as-much-as you say you enjoy sex with your wife, you also have a desire to engage in sexual acts, specifically anal sex, with a specific man.

Turff: But Dave, I don’t want to date him

DBM: I understand, but what you just told me tells me that your sexual orientation may be more fluid and open to exploration when it comes to sexual experiences, while your choice of romance is more aligned to acting straight and staying married to your wife.

Turff: I can afford to help him rent a place.

DBM: That settles it then.

Turff: But that would also mean, I might be going there to visit him

DBM: That is better than confusing your wife with his presence at home. She would wonder exactly what the man she’s in love with have in common with a homosexual. And by extension, what she possibly could have in common with him. You are that common denominator they both share.

Turff: We had something going. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was fulfilling.

DBM: You had friendship, and that should be good enough. He cannot force you to be what he needs, just as you cannot fix yourself in a situation that doesn’t serve you. That doesn’t erase the good times you shared. It’s okay to sometimes look back and appreciate what he once meant to you. It doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human.

Image Credit: Gweje of Africa

The Waakye Seller

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good evening, David. I want to share my love story but keep me anonymous. I have been married to the same woman for 16 years. She’s the lady seated next to me on my profile picture. I have not known any other woman but her. Before I met my wife, I was always praying for the perfect woman to marry. My wife used to sell waakye for her madam. She helped her cook it and then, she would come and sell. She had set her shop in a busy area near where I used to work.

I always thought she was beautiful but never gathered the courage to tell her. I was one of her loyal customers and she knew exactly how much I was going to spend every time it reached my turn to be served. We got to that stage of knowing each other on a first name basis. She was very popular in the neighborhood because of two things; the food was good and she was pretty. Every guy wanted to buy from her. I got jealous a few times I was in line to buy waakye because she knew almost all the guys by their first names. And the kinds of cars that would park by the roadside just to buy waakye. I felt some of the men wanted to flex with their rides just to catch her attention.

I was next in queue behind a ‘big’ man she was attending to who was asking her a number of personal questions. The man was assuring he could provide nice things for her if she would agree to date him. When I heard him say that, I remembered I also dress to look good just for her. It wasn’t completely for waakye or work. All the corporate guys in the queue were saying the right things and doing the right things to catch her attention. She finished serving the ‘big’ man and for the first time she asked, ‘Kwabena, what do you want?’

She realized I was fuming with jealousy. I wondered what she meant by ‘what did I want!’ Because she had already started topping my usual order with stew, eggs, gari, wele, shito and salad; wrapped in the banana leaf. She handed my food to me, took the money and whispered, “I want to know how you feel. I want to connect with your heart. All I desire is security and trust.”

From that day, I knew I had to pursue her because she was valuable enough to catch my full attention. She saw me beyond the customer she had retained. The fact that she liked me too made me want to be the perfect man for her at all cost. My focus shifted that day on the kind of life I wanted to live, and most importantly, the kind of boyfriend and husband I wanted to be. My favorite waakye seller was an amazing woman and I had to become an amazing man in order to love her well.

I have been a man of my word in the 16 years we’ve been together in holy matrimony. Not once have I dropped a vow because a beautiful woman gave me attention and opportunity. Not once have I considered backing out on my marriage or family or commitments. When we officially decided to be exclusive, I stopped flirting with other women. I was no longer casual texting or communicating with old and new flames. I stopped my eyes from lingering and wandering.

Some of us grew up watching parents do marriage anyhow. My father did not know how to do marriage right with my mother, and because of that, could not teach me what they did not know. So, when I got married, I made a decision to love everything about my waakye seller. The sacrifices this woman has made for me and our children; even how she runs our household. Whenever she shows up for me with intimacy, I am nothing but excited and happy to be one with her. Dave, my wife knows she cannot fail with me by her side and I am always validating and appreciating the little she does for me and the children. Not once have I made her feel unattractive. She’s beautiful and sexy and she’s comfortable flaunting all her assets before me. I have no expectations about how the mother of my children should look, perform in bed or even behave. We should not be the men burdening our wives because I am not.

Image Credit: Darkshade Photos

Let’s Talk To Wacian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 178: Wacian

DBM: Hi Wacian. How would you describe yourself?

Wacian: A man that God is with and for, and is fighting for me every single moment of every single day.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wacian: 9.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wacian: My friend died last year. He lived abroad. He used to stay with me anytime he visited Gh, till he built his own house. No member of his family knows about this property. He had his reasons for keeping it a secret. I have the main keys while he kept a spare. Now that he’s no more, I want to take over the property but my wife is accusing me of attempting to steal.

DBM: Are you attempting to steal it?

Wacian: No

DBM: Did he will it in your name?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why do you want to claim it as your own?

Wacian: Because he gave the house deed to me to keep safe

DBM: Was he married?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: He had children?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: How old are they?

Wacian: They’re not babies. That’s the best I can say

DBM: How long was he married?

Wacian: More than 10 years

DBM: Why are you not giving specific answers?

Wacian: Someone who may have known him can connect the dots

DBM: Is this the only property he’s built in Ghana?

Wacian: He has another house that his siblings and parents live in. His wife knows of that one

DBM: Why did he build this house you want take?

Wacian: He had plans of having another child with another woman and raising a second family here.

DBM: Does the other woman know of this building?

Wacian: No

DBM: So, there is another woman?

Wacian: Lol! Other women. He hadn’t settled on one yet

DBM: I see. Is your wife close to his wife or family?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why not?

Wacian: She didn’t like him

DBM: Why is that?

Wacian: She thought he was a bad influence on me

DBM: Was he?

Wacian: No

DBM: How big is this property?

Wacian: It’s an open-floor plan, four bedrooms with high vaulted ceilings, five bathrooms, outdoor spaces and an attached garage. It has an eat-in-kitchen

DBM: Aside raising another family, why do you think he kept such a project from his family of orientation?

Wacian: I don’t know. All he said was, he was building this one just for himself

DBM: There are no secrets in this life, just hidden truths. You know that, no?

Wacian: Dave, we were like brothers. What’s mine was his. That was our brotherly code

DBM: What was his was yours if he wanted it to be

Wacian: I have the house deed

DBM: Why is your wife against this decision?

Wacian: My wife is type always wanting to be the smartest person in the room. She makes everything into an argumentation context just to prove a point. Her first impulse is always to counter any idea I would propose, only to build unnecessary arguments around it.

DBM: Let me guess, a brilliant idea like stealing someone else’s home?

Wacian: You’re funny

DBM: Do I sound funny?

Wacian: Dave, if I said to my wife right now that the sky was blue, she would look up, see blue, and still tell me no, it’s gray

DBM: Hmmm!

Wacian: My friend’s wife is the same. She broke something in him

DBM: Broke what?

Wacian: His jar of marital happiness

DBM: Is yours too broken?

Wacian: Almost. That’s why a lot of men cannot rely on just their wives to make them happy

DBM: I can only imagine the sheer frustration your wife lives in with you, as her husband

Wacian: You don’t know me like that, boss

DBM: Many of us men, unfortunately, do not care. And, that’s the big problem. No woman or partner can fix the good values you have chosen to break in you. We all now tend to put our own selfish desires ahead of what’s right. Our partners no longer are not enough for us because we’d rather prefer to be validated and valued by strangers.

Wacian: Smh!

DBM: Participant 177, Ana, left a question for you ‘If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?’

Wacian: I actually left a job that I hated, yet was paying me the most, to do a job I absolutely love, but is paying me the least. To answer your question, yes, I’d still be doing what I am doing for work now. I am doing what I am passionate about.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wacian: Do you believe in luck?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Ozigbodi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 150: Ozigbodi

DBM: Hi Ozigbodi. How would you describe yourself?

Ozigbodi: My life involves growth

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ozigbodi: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ozigbodi: I smile now, and for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I feel so comfortable with myself. I think I am in love, but I am not so sure. How does it feel like to fall in love?

DBM: Is this your first relationship?

Ozigbodi: No

DBM: Is it your first time feeling this way with a man?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: How long have you known this person?

Ozigbodi: We’ve been friends for nine years

DBM: What type of friendship?

Ozigbodi: He is my boss at work. Acquaintances, no strings attached. But I knew the first day we talked in his office, that we were going to be great friends. He felt comfortable talking to me about his personal issues; with time, I was also able to put my walls down to trust him with my personal information.

DBM: Was he single when you first met?

Ozigbodi: He is a divorcee

DBM: Okay! So, single then?

Ozigbodi: To the best of my knowledge, yes. We’ve grown closer in the years as best friends.

DBM: Are you having sex with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: For how long?

Ozigbodi: Since 2017

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: I used to be married too

DBM: How long were you married?

Ozigbodi: 5 years. We divorced in 2014

DBM: What led to the end of your marriage?

Ozigbodi: It was really not anyone’s fault. My ex-husband was a great man. We were just not compatible. We were two very different people and our priorities couldn’t align. That’s what I think broke our marriage.

DBM: To the extent that it was beyond repair?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: So, on what grounds was the divorce filed?

Ozigbodi: Incompatibility

DBM: You had kids?

Ozigbodi: Yes, two

DBM: Are you compatible with the new relationship?

Ozigbodi: I am the first person he calls to share every detail of his day with. And, this has been him since we both realized our friendship was good for us.

DBM: Can you date back to this particular day?

Ozigbodi: Yes, it was the 19th of September, 2012. A Wednesday, to be precis

DBM: This is the date you also knew there could be more to the friendship?

Ozigbodi: Yes! I found myself acknowledging that he was the first person I would call every evening, to share every detail of my day with. Even though we worked at the same firm. My ex-husband also seemed to have found his person he enjoyed sharing details of his day with.

DBM: Do you know why your current guy got divorced?

Ozigbodi: Yes, adultery or cheating

DBM: With whom?

Ozigbodi: Not sure. I didn’t want details

DBM: But he did the cheating?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: Alright!

Ozigbodi: He has made the effort to reorganize and reimage his life to please me. What will make me happy is his priority now. I do same for him.

DBM: Good for the both of you. So, what’s the way forward?

Ozigbodi: I want marriage

DBM: You’ve discussed it with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: And?

Ozigbodi: I’ve told him I cannot imagine dating him for all these years, doing the cohabiting thing, and giving him and our relationship my everything without him also considering putting a ring on it.

DBM: Is marriage what he wants?

Ozigbodi: Not at the moment

DBM: But it’s a possibility?

Ozigbodi: I don’t know. I know he wants to have a child with me. I know he enjoys being intimate with me. I know he wants to make and share a home with me

DBM: But he doesn’t want to make you, his wife?

Ozigbodi: Hmmm!

DBM: Is he financially fit?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: What’s his concern?

Ozigbodi: He thinks marriage will twinge his current lifestyle.

DBM: Which is what?

Ozigbodi: Late-night out with his friends, and the freedom to do whatever makes him happy

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: He doesn’t want a situation where he has to go through another divorce. He’s also told me he feels comfortable with the security of his financial assets if no woman is his wife. He says a wife will take all his money if there is to be a divorce

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Ozigbodi: Do I need marriage to legitimize my relationship with my boyfriend?

DBM: I know many people who are okay committing their lives to their partners outside of marriage. Question is, is that what you want?

Ozigbodi: No!

DBM: Participant 149, Sipho, left a question for you: ‘how do you evaluate success?’

Ozigbodi: When I am authentic in my dealings while loving what I do. I feel like a success right now because I am committed to what I love.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ozigbodi: What has been on your heart or mind lately?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Adrienne Andersen

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