Divorce Song

Lydia: David, do you remember me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): ………., hey! How are you doing?

Lydia: Fine here. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Oh wow! I’m surprised to see you here.

Lydia: It’s difficult getting your attention. I’ve been messaging you since 2023.

DBM: I am just realizing that. So sorry. Sometimes, I’m unable to keep up with the inbox messages. It can be overwhelming.

Lydia: You seem to be doing very well

DBM: We are managing. We can only thank GOD. What have you been up to?

Lydia: A lot has happened to me. Are you going to make this chat public?

DBM: It depends on you. Would you want it shared?

Lydia: You mentioned my name in your first response. Can you delete that part so I remain anonymous? I don’t want some of our mates to put 2 and 2 together.

DBM: Sure, I will do that. What’s up?

Lydia: This marriage thingy isn’t favoring me

DBM: Why do you say that?

Lydia: I cannot recognize who I am anymore. Also, I feel like I don’t have a voice of my own.

DBM: At what point did you start realizing that?

Lydia: In the early years. Second year, I think.

DBM: You have kids?

Lydia: Yes. The marriage isn’t serving my best interest, Dave.

DBM: Well, marriage isn’t necessarily about you, you know!

Lydia: It takes two to make it work. I know that.

DBM: Yes, but I tend to look at marriage through a different kind of lens. It’s not entirely about you. It is about your partner. It is about what you bring to him. It’s not supposed to be about you and what you are to be getting from him. It’s the very same way your husband is supposed to be doing marriage with you; it’s not about him, but you. His focus should be on what he brings to you to make you feel at home and at peace with yourself and with him.

Lydia: I’ve given too much of myself to him and our marriage already, and I’m tired of being the glue keeping us together. He verbally abuses me. I am damaged emotionally, Dave.

DBM: That is domestic abuse. It’s not a good thing. What do you think is making him behave that way towards you?

Lydia: You know I was completely unaware that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage? It took him verbally abusing me to wake up to what I am being faced with. I don’t know why my husband hates me so much, Dave. I have done everything every supportive wife would do. He started making advances towards our house help. She drew my attention to his bad behaviour. Initially, I was doubting her and suspecting she probably was the one interested in him. She recorded a conversation my husband wanted to have with her while she was in the kitchen cooking. I questioned him about it after listening to her phone recording and he denied it. One day, I heard the help insulting him. I rushed to the kitchen and my husband was pretending to be drunk. He touched the lady’s breast and she slapped him. She also told me he wasn’t drunk. He had just had a sip from his glass of wine. He asked her to leave our house but I insisted she stayed.

DBM: Why did you want her to stay?

Lydia: She helps with the kids and keeps our home tidy. My husband and I have a busy work schedule. We cannot afford to lose her. My husband is in such a complete denial that he is unable to see how damaging his behaviour is to me. He insults me even in the presence of the help.

DBM: People only do publicly what they’ve already done privately.

Lydia: I think it’s come to that time for me to check out of this marriage

DBM: If you two are talking back at each at each other more often than not, then I feel it’s time to do some retrospection.

Lydia: I’ve already reflected, Dave. It’s time to go our separate ways. Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about what my life would be like if we lived apart. I do not respect him anymore.

DBM: If you no longer have respect for him, then I think the foundation to rebuild the marriage is lost, unfortunately. Not every man is a good fit to do marriage with.

Lydia: My husband is not a good fit. Things I would never have tolerated from any other man, he’s done to me and gotten away with it. He is a serial cheat and a liar. And he keeps pretending that everything he’s done to me never happened.

DBM: That’s their favorite to-go-to anthem: everything they said or did to break you never happened. It wasn’t them. To the best of their knowledge, it is all in your head. Thank GOD you know better and want out of it. There are children involved in this, so I might have to ask you for the last time: Are you certain that pulling this plug is the best thing for you to do?

Lydia: Yes, David. He is very controlling and has made very huge decisions with our finances and other things without ever talking to me about it. I had to find out from documents he had stashed from me. I’ve lost any romantic interest for him. He is very mean to me privately but in public, always putting on a lovely show. The lack of respect from both parties also makes me want to bring it to a close.

DBM: So, if you’re to look back, say, five years from now, there will be no regretting your decision to cut this line – because you know you at least, tried harder to make things work out between you two?

Lydia: There will be no regrets.

DBM: Where is your husband now?

Lydia: He moved out 9 weeks ago.

DBM: What do you believe is your contributing part to the failure of this marriage?

Lydia: I think our, so I claim my part of the maturity level to sustain a healthy marriage wasn’t up there. We sometimes couldn’t calmly talk to each other about pressing issues.

DBM: Was marriage therapy ever brought to the table?

Lydia: Yes, but he wasn’t willing to talk about our issues with another person. He doesn’t want people pin-pointing his mistakes and errors.

DBM: Do you feel, to the best of your recollection, you have honored your husband enough?

Lydia: David, even though he would occasionally talk down on me, belittle me and make me feel like I am the worst mother and wife, I showed him respect, love and grace.

DBM: I hope the two of you have come to the conclusion that the children come first until they are raised, regardless of whatever you two are fighting or going to argue about in court?

Lydia: Yes, I have. I don’t know about him. Dave, can we speak on phone? I don’t think I have your number.

Image Credit: Jayro Cerqueira da Silva