Tag: Divorce

The Man He’s Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Rawline: Hi David. Please do me a favor. This is a picture of my husband making out with the man he’s been sleeping with. Can you post their faces on your page for me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why would I post something like that?

Rawline: You’re not going to post it?

DBM: Make a post of it on your own timeline.

Rawline: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Rawline: I’m preparing to file for divorce.

DBM: Contact Cila or Manokekame. They might consider posting it.

Rawline: Why don’t you want to share my story?

DBM: This is not a story. You want to humiliate your husband. My platform is not for such purposes. You’re conducting a revenge campaign.

Rawline: Why are men so heartless?

DBM: Some men, not all men

Rawline: I don’t understand why my husband would do this to me

DBM: Have you confronted him about this picture?

Rawline: No. The other guy is also married.

DBM: Confront him!

Rawline: What do I gain from that?

DBM: You live in a society that pushes men like your husband to cower in the closet because of their sexual orientation.

Rawline: What has that got to do with the fact that the man I have children with is a homosexual?

DBM: How did you get this image?

Rawline: Does it matter? I’ve had my husband followed for months. They’ve been meeting at a rented apartment. I got a camera installed. I have a full video of them in the act.

DBM: Let him know you have in your possession, evidence of him being intimate with another man. Let him know you know he’s having sex with men.

Rawline: Dave, all these years I’ve been in a trauma bond with this narcissist and liar. His actions towards me made me believe I was the cause of his unhappiness in the marriage. Why are men like that?

DBM: Some men, not all men.

Rawline: I have been left alone in this miserable marriage to be picking up the pieces.

DBM: I’m very sorry about that.

Rawline: Men are wicked David.

DBM: Can I ask questions?

Rawline: What?

DBM: You had no idea about his sexuality prior to marriage?

Rawline: No

DBM: You had no inkling of a sort?

Rawline: No.

DBM: How has your sex life been like?

Rawline: Normal. Dave, my husband is a strong man. He has no girlish tendencies. I had no suspicions.

DBM: How do you think you’ve both changed since you got married?

Rawline: I realized something was lacking weeks after we got married but I didn’t know what it was. There was no urgency in his desire for me. But when we’re in public, he’s excited about introducing me to his friends and colleagues. After the birth of our first child, he became angry and belligerent. I also realized how withdrawn and anxious he often was. So many things weren’t adding up which was confusing to me.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory of him?

Rawline: He loves our children and treats them better. He’s more loving towards them, he’s happy to see them. He is more enthusiastic when he’s talking to the children. He hugs them and kisses them, and would sacrifice his last money and free time for them. He is a good father and is more interested his children’s lives. But Dave, this marriage is broken and cannot be repaired.

DBM: Have you considered how your life would look like once you’re divorced?

Rawline: I have thought about it. I would rather be alone than to limit myself to a miserable life. I don’t want to model the wrong example of a marriage to my children by staying in a shitty situation. This is not what I signed up for. My issue is, if I had fallen in love with another man, because I wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would leave my husband. Why can’t men be honest with women? I always felt he had been acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me while he was playing out his fantasies with other men. I was convinced I was the reason for his unhappiness.

DBM: This is your escape route if you’ve been feeling trapped in the marriage. It’s not healthy to endure hopelessness and misery. This is your perfect relief to leave behind all the pain.

Rawline: I really loved my husband, David. To now have to grieve the loss of the man I love, and a marriage I have invested so much of my youth, resources and everything heavily in, the future I thought we were building together as a family. All these years of my life spent with him was a sham. Who does that? I am going to publicly humiliate this guy for what he has done to me.

DBM: Things do not always feel fair or logical in life sometimes. The pain, hurt and fear you’re experiencing aren’t proof that your life is over. You’re not broken.

Rawline: I am broken, David.

DBM: Imagine your best friend came to you this very evening feeling the way you are feeling now – what would you say to her? What would your immediate instinct offer her? You’re not that broken, believe me. Offer yourself the very same kindness you would grace your best friend with. You can find a safe space to heal from this kind of betrayal. Do not lose sight of what gives your life meaning and purpose. Your husband, at this moment, is not your purpose to fulfill.

Rawline: Do you think he’s going to be gay forever?

DBM: I understand that you love him but you may want more from your marriage than he can ever offer you over time.

Rawline: Can a gay man love a woman?

DBM: I think so. If your husband has ever told you he loved you, he probably did. However, loving you doesn’t change his orientation

Rawline: Awwww. David. You’re making me cry. Thank you. I will go ahead with the divorce.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Pursuit Of Happiness

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Armstrong: I’m considering leaving my wife but I don’t know how to explain my decision to her

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain your decision to me

Armstrong: That’s the problem Dave; I don’t have a legal reason. Can a man leave his wife without providing concrete reasons?

DBM: Yes, legally, a man or woman can just wake up one morning and pack up and leave or file for divorce. I’ve had conversations in the past with men and women who did that and the courts granted them divorce.

Armstrong: What kind of divorce did they file?

DBM: I don’t remember exactly but I know someone once mentioned a ‘no-fault divorce’ or something like that. Would you want me to post this conversation on my platform?

Armstrong: Yes, but anonymously.

DBM: Of course. I’m certain the lawyers who often comment on my cases would educate us on these types of filings.

Armstrong: Thank you Dave

DBM: How long have you been married?

Armstrong: I don’t want to give details about my marriage. My wife might read this

DBM: She follows my page?

Armstrong: I don’t know. Women follow your page. That’s all I know

DBM: You have children?

Armstrong: Yes. Don’t ask me how many or their ages

DBM: Why do you want to divorce your wife?

Armstrong: I told you already, I don’t know

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. There’s no reason. She’s not done anything wrong to me.

DBM: What have you done wrong then?

Armstrong: Lol.

DBM: Because there is rarely ‘no reason’ if we’re to touch on the emotional and psychological subject of it.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: You’re not happy with?

Armstrong: I don’t know Dave

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. Stop saying I know

DBM: You know! If I am not happy, I may not be happy with myself, my life, my partner, marriage or a particular circumstance. You can’t just say you’re not happy.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: What do you feel is that long-term underlying issue shifting your marriage in the quiet?

Armstrong: I don’t have an answer that would make sense to you.

DBM: Unmet needs?

Armstrong: She meets my needs

DBM: Okay! So, then what are some of the emotions you’re not bold enough to speak about with her? Because you’re clearly emotionally distant, no?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: Are you happy with your life?

Armstrong: I have a good career. I love my children. I’m happy being a father. I would flourish being a single dad and not a husband.

DBM: And not a husband to your wife or generally being a husband to anyone?

Armstrong: Being a husband to my wife

DBM: Do you find your wife attractive?

Armstrong: I used to

DBM: Why don’t you anymore?

Armstrong: There’s no explanation. Before you ask, there is no new side-chick in the waiting. I’m not seeing anyone. Dave, I just want to be single. I want to be single. I don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not happy

DBM: What would make you happy?

Armstrong: If I’m divorced

DBM: Do you feel safe at home?

Armstrong: What do you mean?

DBM: Do you feel safe around your wife?

Armstrong: Yes, but I don’t want it anymore

DBM: Do you feel seen by your wife?

Armstrong: Sometimes

DBM: Do you feel your wife understands you, as a man in her life?

Armstrong: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with your wife?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Are you getting sex from another person?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your wife?

Armstrong: No

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your family?

Armstrong: I love spending time with my children.

DBM: This is what I’ve deduced thus far: you might be a good man but not necessarily a great partner to your wife, no?

Armstrong: I’m a good person

DBM: But not good enough for your wife

Armstrong: I am not the husband she deserves

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: But you’re not considering leaving your wife for another woman?

Armstrong: Not at the moment. I just want to be single

DBM: Are you sexually compatible with your wife?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: How about physical intimacy?

Armstrong: I just answered you. We have good sex

DBM: Intimacy isn’t about sex. Good sex is just a complementary factor to build a marriage on easily.

Armstrong: We’re intimate

DBM: Does your marriage burden you?

Armstrong: I think we’re going round and round with your questions. You’re repeating questions with different words.

DBM: I am not. How old are you?

Armstrong: In my 40s

DBM: At what point did you stop being intentional about your marriage?

Armstrong: When she was pregnant with our second child

DBM: What happened?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: What happened to you when she was pregnant with your second child?

Armstrong: I fell in love with someone else

DBM: Where is this other person now?

Armstrong: Dead

DBM: What happened to her?

Armstrong: I don’t know

DBM: Let’s talk about your wife

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Why not?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Okay then! Would you want to discuss how your decision would make her feel?

Armstrong: She has to understand

DBM: Let’s assume you tell her you want out, and she doesn’t, and would want to fight for her marriage; what would be the way forward?

Armstrong: The way forward wouldn’t be with me. I want to be single

DBM: Why did you get married to her?

Armstrong: I was in love. I don’t know

DBM: Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: And?

Armstrong: It’s a waste of time. It wouldn’t change how I am feeling

DBM: But have you made the attempt to see one?

Armstrong: No. I know I will be happy if I am no longer married

DBM: Where do you see happiness?

Armstrong: My next chapter should be a happy place

DBM: Just be careful about placing your happiness to an unknown destination. We men very much are addicted to the high of finding our happy spots somewhere else. Yes, your next chapter could be your happy place, but happiness isn’t somewhere else. Happiness is where you are, and until you sit to seriously analyze your choices, you may never appreciate the happiness in where you find yourself today.

Armstrong: Gotta go Dave. Thanks for chatting

Image Credit: Savia Rocks

Everybody Hurts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Theodore: My mother filed for divorce on their 25th wedding anniversary party which was organized by my dad, her now ex-husband. It was a reunion for the whole family, none of their friends invited, which I thought was weird at first. Then I later came to find out that she had specifically insisted she didn’t want any friends coming to the celebration. She wanted just the families from both sides in attendance.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh my! How old were you that year?

Theodore: I was 23

DBM: When did this happen?

Theodore: 2017

DBM: Fairly recent

Theodore: Yes. They raised three kids in total; built their careers and navigated through all sorts of illnesses and life events. My mother surprised us with her decision.

DBM: Was it a mutual decision on the day of the announcement?

Theodore: It took my dad by surprise too. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have spent money on a party meant to announce the death of his marriage.

DBM: Do you know why your mother chose to opt out?

Theodore: My mum is a very private person. And also, peaceful. She told the three of us after the party, that, she and my father stopped laughing together early in their marriage. Which eventually, became a struggle for her. Decisions my father made with other women were some of the hardest moments that tested their marriage, and ultimately, shifted her feelings for him. Nothing else he did or said could pull her love back to him.

DBM: When you say ‘the three of us’, you mean your siblings?

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Okay! Did she put a date to the ‘early’ years she stopped laughing?

Theodore: Four years into the marriage. Nothing felt right to her afterwards because all the memories that now stayed with her were the bad choices my father made to break them apart.

DBM: I do understand that part. It’s never about the material stuff or how nice you make people believe your marriage looks. The shared experiences and memories left on the hearts of our minds are what we hold on to – when all is said and done.

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Do you know why your mother stayed that long?

Theodore: Yes. She stayed for us. She was in the middle of raising young children. Her life revolved around us. But she said she never stopped counting the years to when my younger sister would turn 19.

DBM: Tell me a little about growing up under their roof.

Theodore: My mother was the present parent. My dad, not so much. Now that I’m a father myself, I understand the importance of being present in my child’s life because the years go by so fast, we don’t get the time back.

DBM: How old is your child?

Theodore: 4-year-old. I and my siblings were very vulnerable to the influence at home. We saw a lot. We heard a lot. We analyzed a lot and I don’t think my father realized we were soaking up all kinds of information we came across at home, pertaining to how he treated my mother and how that made us feel. We were like sponges. I soaked up my father’s mannerisms and some traits. My sister and brother soaked up their own habits from either my mother or father. When we came of age, our mother was the only role model at home we could look up to.

DBM: Why do you say that?

Theodore: Our mother was the one always involved in our lives. Our father compensated us with fancy gifts and outings. He woke up very early to go to work and we wouldn’t see him until later in the night. He was the busy parent. That was the picture he painted for us to see.

DBM: Did your mother work?

Theodore: My mother is a surgeon.

DBM: Ha!

Theodore: Yes

DBM: What are some of the mannerisms and traits you picked up from your dad?

Theodore: The unhealthy bits and pieces of his pattern that I witnessed for the early years of my life were manifesting in my marriage. I was staying out late, engaging in casual sex with old flames, getting home late to take my shower, and watch TV or be on my phone, hoping not to be bothered until I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how my father used to tell my sister to be quiet because he was tired and not in the mood to play with her. I catch myself repeating the same thing with my son. I was also lying to my wife a lot about my whereabouts.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Theodore: 5 years. I’m trying to break from these habits but it’s still a difficult task

DBM: You’re at liberty to choose your own path. However, you need to understand that, you signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it involves just more than paying the bills.

Theodore: I know

DBM: Anyways, what’s life like for your sister?

Theodore: We’re all thriving in our careers. But I think my sister is always ending up having relationships with emotionally unavailable men. She’s been engaging in various behaviors I used to see my mother display at home when we were kids, to get the attention of my father. I know she has lost faith in men.

DBM: I’ve lost my chain of thought. Why did you reach out to me?

Theodore: I came across a conversation between my mother and my wife. She was advising my wife to divorce me if she’s no longer interested in the marriage. It took me by surprise because why would my own mother say that to the mother of my child?

DBM: Because you’re your father’s son. Your mother lived through all of that, and knows this about you. And wouldn’t want her daughter in love suffering in the process because of it.

Theodore: But she crossed the line, don’t you think so?

DBM: The fact that a woman makes the decision to marry you doesn’t necessarily mean she has to accept all there is to you. She’s been understanding enough. She’s been patient enough. A wife is not supposed to be the only one wanting her marriage to get better.

Theodore: I want my marriage to get better.

DBM: Then be better. I don’t think your mother crossed a line. She knows the heartache and pain in staying married to a man like you. Something you will never understand.

Theodore: I understand

DBM: If you say so. How is your father doing?

Theodore: He is fine. He married again.

DBM: Good for him. You see, life goes on, regardless

Theodore: Yes. He got married two months after their divorce finalized.

DBM: Life still goes on. Life is meant to be lived.

Theodore: Yes

Image Credit: Isabela Catao

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Carle: Hi Dave. Can I use your platform to apologize to my ex-wife?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What did you do to your wife?

Carle: I don’t want to share our personal issues with you. I just want a platform to apologize

DBM: Why do you want to use my platform? That’s my question

Carle: She comments on your page.

DBM: Okay!

Carle: Esi, I am so sorry. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop. I know what I said many times to you but the truth is, you have always been there for me. You have always been willing to meet my needs. I betrayed your trust and let you down. For that, I am sorry. I am seeking the help I need. I thought what I was doing would make our marriage better. I have realized that you make me better. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I really love you

DBM: You have to be better for yourself, not Esi.

Carle: Dave

DBM: What?

Carle: Please. Don’t start

DBM: No, seriously, have you sat with the fact that you intentionally, chose to hurt the woman who had trust in you?

Carle: How is that your concern?

DBM: Let me guess, you slipped a mistress in the equation, no? If you have something to hide, then you have something to protect.

Carle: I made a mistake and the guilt is keeping me up at night. I am ashamed of my actions and I have regrets because I destroyed our family. I just want to repair what has been broken.

DBM: A woman’s trust in you is very fragile. One careless misstep can fracture the relationship beyond repair if not appropriately addressed.

Carle: That is why I need a second chance.

DBM: Is this really your second chance? Or she had given you chance upon chance to do right by her and the marriage?

Carle: I made a mistake

DBM: How do you intend fixing a problem you’re still refusing to look at?

Carle: What do you mean?

DBM: You’re referring to your action as a ‘mistake’. How can you scar your wife’s heart with another person and call it a mistake?

Carle: I don’t need to explain myself to you

DBM: You addressed her as your ‘ex-wife’. Are you divorced?

Carle: Yes

DBM: For how long now?

Carle: 2 years

DBM: What were you doing these past two years?

Carle: Nothing

DBM: Were you dating any of the girls you made mistakes with?

Carle: Yes

DBM: Are you still together?

Carle: No

DBM: Why are you not together?

Carle: She left me

DBM: Why?

Carle: Because I wanted to be with my wife.

DBM: It’s up to your ex-wife to forgive you.

Carle: I’m hoping she would accept my apology.

DBM: She can decide not to accept this apology, and you’d have to respect that decision too.

Carle: I want to bring my family back together.

DBM: Fixing what you took for granted doesn’t start with her forgiveness. It begins with you, changing for real, and for the better.

Carle: I have changed

DBM: Good for you, but that wouldn’t necessarily push her toward the kind of decision you’re hoping for.

Carle: I just want her to read this message

DBM: And assuming she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you again after reading the message, you can use this experience as a learning opportunity and simply apply whatever it has taught you to future relationships. Every effort we put into a relationship matters to the integrity of its overall state.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Lonely At The Top

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Luna: Good evening, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you?

Luna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Luna: My guy just asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh great! Congratulations!

Luna: Thanks.

DBM: You’re excited, no?

Luna: I’m supposed to be but I don’t know why I am feeling a bit unsure.

DBM: Unsure about what?

Luna: He used to tell me he would never marry again.

DBM: People’s minds change, you know?

Luna: Yes, but he is a divorcee, and based on the stories he has shared with me about his ex-wife and what he said she put him through, I never imagined him settling down again.

DBM: His divorce is official, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You’ve seen a signed divorce decree by a judge?

Luna: Yes Dave.

DBM: Good to know! I had to be sure. A lot of skewed men are loosely throwing out the ‘I’m divorcing my wife’ lines to single women just to get laid.

Luna: I know

DBM: Are you the reason he divorced his wife?

Luna: No. I met him after his divorce

DBM: Okay! You’re on a good start then.

Luna: Dave, is marriage for everyone?

DBM: Question should be, is marriage for you?

Luna: I want to be married, yes.

DBM: Do you see yourself being married to him?

Luna: I love him but I feel like he’s made me believe he’s not interested in marrying anyone again.

DBM: You need to understand that, no amount of love can make a man who isn’t that much into the idea of marriage to want to do something (marriage) he doesn’t want to. If he’s asked you to marry him, then it means he’s that much into you. Have you asked him why he wants to marry you?

Luna: No, do I have to?

DBM: But of course! You’re not the least curious as to why?

Luna: I am

DBM: How old is he?

Luna: 48

DBM: How old are you?

Luna: 37

DBM: You need to know his perceived analysis of your worth to him. You are certainly offering him something of value, and he’s calculated exactly what marrying you might or not cost him. You need to understand from his point of view – what he feels he’s gaining: i.e. Are you an asset or a liability. Is this going to be your first marriage?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Luna: No, but he has three with his ex.

DBM: And, you’re okay with that?

Luna: I don’t mind

DBM: Okay! Something is holding you back, what is it?

Luna: He’s never said ‘I love you’ to me before

DBM: How long have you been together?

Luna: 3 years. Ever since we fell in love two years ago, I have been randomly telling him how much I love him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t feel any true love for me. The one time I remember him saying it back to me was after an awesome afternoon sex. Even with that, I felt he talked himself into believing it because I said it to him first.

DBM: You want my honest opinion, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: So, this is what I, David Bondze-Mbir believe and practice: I would rather have somebody who could never tell me they love me but every day, I felt it with their actions. That’s exactly who I got in my marriage. Fortunately for us, we do tell each other we love us every day. And, we’ve been doing that for years now. It’s an intentional thing to want to be a student of the other person’s feelings and interests.

Luna: Hmmm. And there’s the topic of monogamy. He doesn’t believe a man is to devote his body to one woman alone. He’s been trying to negotiate with me to consider the fact that, he would sexually attract other women. And might pursue them.

DBM: That is what he thinks is right for him. Question is, does it sit well with you?

Luna: No

DBM: Do you know his ex-wife?

Luna: I know about her. I have friends who know her personally.

DBM: And, what do they say about her?

Luna: She’s a great lady apparently. The only person I know who has spoken bad about her is my man.

DBM: This is what I would suggest: figure out a way to have a conversation with his ex.

Luna: To say what? Lol

DBM: You’re contemplating on marrying her ex. You need to know if you’re making the right decision. She was someone he once loved. However her ex-husband chose to describe her to you, that is his version of experience with her. It doesn’t make her a total idiot. It shouldn’t form your total perception about her. You need to know her version of how he sees and treats women who are important to him. Treat her choice of words and lived experience with him with respect, and you will earn more of it for yourself.

Luna: What if she also has nothing good to say about him?

DBM: It’s normal. None of us are enthused about being made to remember the times we made a mistake or were made to feel stupid by someone we loved. The best you can do is to acknowledge her feelings. Just listen with your heart. It will let you know. You will find the answer needed to say yes or no to his marriage proposal. It’s always good to be in the known, so you do not find yourself lowering your standards – just to accommodate the idea of being with the man you think you like. Most men think only with their mouths. They know all the right things to say to make a woman feel like she’d be lucky to be with him. Those are the typical bully material, not necessarily marriage material. Do not create in him one because you’re blinded by love.

Luna: Oh Dave, that’s a lot for me to process.

DBM: You will be fine. You know what is good for you at the end of the day.

Luna: Thank you, David. Thank you very much.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Brand New Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Marcus: Hi Dave. I am in my second marriage. The first was to my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 9 years but later realized we weren’t a good match. My ex-wife was unhappy in the marriage. We forced to be together due to the fear of being alone, and on my part, the shame. But we knew we both felt stuck. It wasn’t a satisfying marriage. The friendship was tight, it’s still tight. We are better as good friends; we’ve come to now realize that.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Kids?

Marcus: O yes, we have two. But I have three in my second marriage.

DBM: How long have you been married in your second chapter?

Marcus: 15 years

DBM: What finally made you part ways with your childhood sweetheart?

Marcus: We started to dislike each other and I realized our actions were harming our children more than our fear of a divorce could. My wife was accepting how bad I was treating her. I was enduring her silence and avoidance. We talked to each other anyhow, most of the time, not in the presence of the children but they felt it. They felt the tension and hate between us in the house. It was detrimental. What made me take the bold decision to file was when I saw my 7-year-old daughter accepting insults and beatings from her 8-year-old brother. I was not physically abusing their mother but they had been witnesses to us accepting each other’s bad behavior, and I think that was what was making her accept the same from her brother. I didn’t want that for her future relationships with guys or in her marriage.

DBM: How are the kids doing today?

Marcus: Perfect. They’re excelling in school and living their best lives. They love how cordial their mother and I have suddenly become. They love the peace between their two different households. The fact that my relationship with their mother didn’t work out didn’t mean it had to also affect the family we once were. Divorce isn’t pretty. It cost me an arm and leg, but it was a necessary lesson and sacrifice, though painful, to teach my children. I did everything I could, including putting in the work to try and salvage what felt like a loveless marriage.

DBM: In as much as I would like to grow into old age together with my partner until we both pass, if it ever should get to that point where I know our marriage hasn’t got any more fights left, I’d leave.

Marcus: That was the point I got to, Dave. But I thank my ex-wife for our years together. It wasn’t always as bad. As I mentioned from the beginning, she will always be the love of my life. I’ve learnt what not to do to my wife and I am a very happy man today. My wife and I have our days of disagreements and fights but I make sure not to point fingers at, or place any blames on her. I don’t have to ‘win’ in an argument anymore. I read one of your conversations with the guys and you were telling him, in your marriage, your focus as a couple during arguments is on your connection and not the power one lords over the other. That’s one lesson I learned from my first marriage. I wasn’t doing that with my ex-wife, and that became a huge challenge for us. In this new phase of my lifelong commitment to my wife on this journey of uncertainty, I am learning to do way better than expected of me.

DBM: Good for you!

Marcus: I’m trying to remember why I reached out to you. Damn, I’ve forgotten the reason.

DBM: Lol! It’s all good.

Marcus: This is serious Charley. I can’t remember o.

DBM: That’s okay! You can always come back to continue with the chat.

Marcus: Damn…

DBM: It’s all good!

Marcus: Anyway, thank you for all that you’re using your Facebook to do for free. Some of us are learning.

DBM: It’s a learning platform for me too.

Marcus: Bro. this marriage thing isn’t child’s play but some of us are willing to stay true to our vows, “For better, for worse”. We don’t commit and become good husbands only for the good stuff. That wouldn’t be a genuine commitment. I agreed to go the long haul with my wife, and I am willing to reach the highest peak and climb the tallest mountain with her by my side. And the lowest valleys, we will descend together. So far, I’m proud to say our marriage and relationship has grown and become deep and beautiful. We have a wonderful friendship too. My wife and I do not have a lot in common but we get along just fine.

DBM: I’m happy for you. Is your ex-wife married?

Marcus: Yes. I’ve never seen her that happy. I wasn’t the one meant for her. I am so glad she did not waste her heart to stay in our stagnant marriage. It’s nice to sometimes brave the unfamiliar territories.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Always Say Goodbye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Papa Yaw (PY): Hello David, how are you doing?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. Doing alright! You?

PY: I’m not bad. Quite overwhelmed. It’s been long

DBM: It’s been a while. Glad to know you’re fine.

PY: I feel like marriage isn’t for me. And I feel bad about it.

DBM: Argh! Not you too?

PY: Are you disappointed?

DBM: Well, I remember you telling me nice things about your wife in the past, no?

PY: Yes

DBM: So, what changed? Why aren’t you cut for it now?

PY: I don’t hold any resentment toward her, though I admit some of her actions have influenced my decision not to pursue marriage again. Ultimately, this is more about self-awareness. I have come to realize that I thrive better on my own than within the bounds of marriage. There are times I simply crave solitude, no distractions, no noise, just the peace to focus on my work to take care of the people in my life. My child, wife and siblings.

DBM: That is understandable. Is this not a conversation to be had and respected? Have you drawn her attention to your need for space?

PY: She doesn’t seem to grasp it, and she’s deeply focused on marriage, believing everything must revolve around it. I’ve tried to help her understand that my feelings have changed despite all our efforts to make things work. My desire now is simply to be alone, not because I am involved with someone else, I’m not. When I met her, I believed she needed guidance and support to grow and elevate herself, and I thought I could play a role in helping her achieve that. I genuinely felt we could have accomplished this without being married. I entered the relationship with compassion and a desire to uplift her and in hindsight, that was my misstep. I created an environment where she could feel secure and cared for, providing everything from our living arrangements to gadgets, money and conveniences that would make life easier. But over time, I realized she wasn’t ready to grow in the way I had hoped. Considering my aspirations and current path, it became clear she couldn’t keep pace. I’ve done everything within my power to support her.

DBM: Let’s go back to the beginning of this: you made a promise. You vowed before GOD and witnesses to have and to hold, from that day forward. For better, for worse. To love and to cherish. What did you mean by that?

PY: Okay David, so when I made that vow, I meant it sincerely in that moment. I believed in the commitment and the promises I was making. But over time, people grow and circumstances change. My intention was never to take that vow lightly or to break it carelessly. I entered the marriage hoping we could grow together, support each other, and elevate each other’s lives. (Though I wasn’t expecting her to do much for me). I gave it my all, creating an environment where she could feel secure and supported. However, I have realized that our paths, aspirations, and readiness to grow are no longer aligned. My commitment to my family and my responsibilities remains, but I have come to understand that my personal well-being and the kind of life I need now require me to be alone. This isn’t about abandoning my vows out of malice, instead, it’s about recognizing reality and being honest with myself and with her.

DBM: So, your vow was merely an ambition? Would it be fair for me to assume that?

PY: No David, it wasn’t merely an ambition. At the time, my vow was genuine and heartfelt. I truly intended to honor it. But life is not static, people grow, circumstances evolve, and sometimes the reality of a relationship reveals truths that were not apparent at the start. My commitment was real, but over time I have realized that our paths and aspirations are no longer aligned. Recognizing that doesn’t diminish the sincerity of my vow, it simply reflects the honest reality I now face. Or what do you think?

DBM: When I made the decision to settle down in marriage, it wasn’t to celebrate a love I thought I had found. I got married to declare a genuine love I had/still have for my partner. It was to promise a love I believed in. We make promises because as committed as we sometimes feel in our best and great days when in love, we may want to leave someday. And because marriage is a whole lot of work, if we are easily moved to abandon our promise when it does not serve our best interest anymore, we prove the vows made weren’t really coming from our best of intentions. It was not a promise to be kept, but rather another formal way to get what we wanted. Question is, what did you really want from your partner?

PY: David, the truth is I wasn’t expecting anything from her in return. My intention was to support her growth and help her elevate herself, to be happier and better than when I first met her. Along the way, I communicated clearly about boundaries and expectations, things like maintaining appropriate distance with family members, respecting personal space, and not sharing everything indiscriminately. Unfortunately, she consistently went against these guidelines, having conversations with one family member and then discussing them with another. While I value family, boundaries are essential, and I needed her to respect that. I also did everything I could to make life easier and provide opportunities for her. I bought appliances i would not buy on a normal day. From advanced washing and drying machine, automatic ironing and folding machines, a dishwasher, and even equipped a shop for her business. I brought in clients from my network, including politicians and classmates from my master’s and doctorate programs, because I genuinely wanted her to succeed. Despite my efforts, her actions repeatedly undermined the environment I tried to create. Over time, I realized that continuing in the marriage no longer made sense for me. It wasn’t a lack of effort or care; it was a recognition of reality and the misalignment between our paths.

DBM: If your wife never changed a thing about herself, would you be happy with her?

PY: I think Yes. I only hoped for growth, for effort, and for a willingness to evolve alongside me. A relationship requires both people to move forward together, without that, it’s difficult to build something meaningful or lasting. I don’t mean to be defensive of my plans. I am here because I want to listen to what you also think, and I don’t mind if it’s the harsh truth.

DBM: If you knew you could get the right help (marriage therapy), would that even matter to you?

PY: David, we have gone through this several times. Our issue has even gotten to one of the most popular men of God in the country. Someone I respect.

DBM: And, in your mode of communication with wifey, do you make the issue about what you want or it’s rather about what is wrong with her?

PY: Truthfully initially, I used to communicate the issue as what is wrong with her. It changed to what I want now. She will go above and beyond to keep the marriage though she’s not happy as well. It’s been a year and 5 months of no intimacy. This is how serious it is. In the early days, I made a mistake and had an affair due to a lack of excitement, but I ended it after a few months and have not been involved with anyone since now over two years and counting.

DBM: I was about to ask who is singing into and riding on the mic now.

PY:

DBM: How is your conflict resolution like at home? In our house, we want our relationship to always win, even in a heated argument or disagreement. It’s not about me winning. It’s not about my partner winning. But rather to come to a resolution where both feel satisfied with the final outcome after the ‘fight’.

PY: Truthfully, we haven’t come up with one. When there is tension, everyone does what they want. No abuse though. I just do my responsibilities.

DBM: I have heard everything you’ve said. And I appreciate you for putting in the effort the best way you know how. Are you willing to continue putting in the effort and intention to grow with your wife, or you feel it would be a waste of your time?

PY: David, I honestly don’t want it anymore. My problem is how to go about it.

DBM: Tell her you want out of the relationship. She knows you have given her and the marriage your best effort. You should feel good about bringing it to an end. Whatever purpose brought you into her life has been fulfilled. She needs to acknowledge that and make this process less stressful.

PY: I will do that David. I will try my best. And thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.

Image Credit: August de Richelieu

Divorce Song

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lydia: David, do you remember me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): ………., hey! How are you doing?

Lydia: Fine here. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Oh wow! I’m surprised to see you here.

Lydia: It’s difficult getting your attention. I’ve been messaging you since 2023.

DBM: I am just realizing that. So sorry. Sometimes, I’m unable to keep up with the inbox messages. It can be overwhelming.

Lydia: You seem to be doing very well

DBM: We are managing. We can only thank GOD. What have you been up to?

Lydia: A lot has happened to me. Are you going to make this chat public?

DBM: It depends on you. Would you want it shared?

Lydia: You mentioned my name in your first response. Can you delete that part so I remain anonymous? I don’t want some of our mates to put 2 and 2 together.

DBM: Sure, I will do that. What’s up?

Lydia: This marriage thingy isn’t favoring me

DBM: Why do you say that?

Lydia: I cannot recognize who I am anymore. Also, I feel like I don’t have a voice of my own.

DBM: At what point did you start realizing that?

Lydia: In the early years. Second year, I think.

DBM: You have kids?

Lydia: Yes. The marriage isn’t serving my best interest, Dave.

DBM: Well, marriage isn’t necessarily about you, you know!

Lydia: It takes two to make it work. I know that.

DBM: Yes, but I tend to look at marriage through a different kind of lens. It’s not entirely about you. It is about your partner. It is about what you bring to him. It’s not supposed to be about you and what you are to be getting from him. It’s the very same way your husband is supposed to be doing marriage with you; it’s not about him, but you. His focus should be on what he brings to you to make you feel at home and at peace with yourself and with him.

Lydia: I’ve given too much of myself to him and our marriage already, and I’m tired of being the glue keeping us together. He verbally abuses me. I am damaged emotionally, Dave.

DBM: That is domestic abuse. It’s not a good thing. What do you think is making him behave that way towards you?

Lydia: You know I was completely unaware that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage? It took him verbally abusing me to wake up to what I am being faced with. I don’t know why my husband hates me so much, Dave. I have done everything every supportive wife would do. He started making advances towards our house help. She drew my attention to his bad behaviour. Initially, I was doubting her and suspecting she probably was the one interested in him. She recorded a conversation my husband wanted to have with her while she was in the kitchen cooking. I questioned him about it after listening to her phone recording and he denied it. One day, I heard the help insulting him. I rushed to the kitchen and my husband was pretending to be drunk. He touched the lady’s breast and she slapped him. She also told me he wasn’t drunk. He had just had a sip from his glass of wine. He asked her to leave our house but I insisted she stayed.

DBM: Why did you want her to stay?

Lydia: She helps with the kids and keeps our home tidy. My husband and I have a busy work schedule. We cannot afford to lose her. My husband is in such a complete denial that he is unable to see how damaging his behaviour is to me. He insults me even in the presence of the help.

DBM: People only do publicly what they’ve already done privately.

Lydia: I think it’s come to that time for me to check out of this marriage

DBM: If you two are talking back at each at each other more often than not, then I feel it’s time to do some retrospection.

Lydia: I’ve already reflected, Dave. It’s time to go our separate ways. Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about what my life would be like if we lived apart. I do not respect him anymore.

DBM: If you no longer have respect for him, then I think the foundation to rebuild the marriage is lost, unfortunately. Not every man is a good fit to do marriage with.

Lydia: My husband is not a good fit. Things I would never have tolerated from any other man, he’s done to me and gotten away with it. He is a serial cheat and a liar. And he keeps pretending that everything he’s done to me never happened.

DBM: That’s their favorite to-go-to anthem: everything they said or did to break you never happened. It wasn’t them. To the best of their knowledge, it is all in your head. Thank GOD you know better and want out of it. There are children involved in this, so I might have to ask you for the last time: Are you certain that pulling this plug is the best thing for you to do?

Lydia: Yes, David. He is very controlling and has made very huge decisions with our finances and other things without ever talking to me about it. I had to find out from documents he had stashed from me. I’ve lost any romantic interest for him. He is very mean to me privately but in public, always putting on a lovely show. The lack of respect from both parties also makes me want to bring it to a close.

DBM: So, if you’re to look back, say, five years from now, there will be no regretting your decision to cut this line – because you know you at least, tried harder to make things work out between you two?

Lydia: There will be no regrets.

DBM: Where is your husband now?

Lydia: He moved out 9 weeks ago.

DBM: What do you believe is your contributing part to the failure of this marriage?

Lydia: I think our, so I claim my part of the maturity level to sustain a healthy marriage wasn’t up there. We sometimes couldn’t calmly talk to each other about pressing issues.

DBM: Was marriage therapy ever brought to the table?

Lydia: Yes, but he wasn’t willing to talk about our issues with another person. He doesn’t want people pin-pointing his mistakes and errors.

DBM: Do you feel, to the best of your recollection, you have honored your husband enough?

Lydia: David, even though he would occasionally talk down on me, belittle me and make me feel like I am the worst mother and wife, I showed him respect, love and grace.

DBM: I hope the two of you have come to the conclusion that the children come first until they are raised, regardless of whatever you two are fighting or going to argue about in court?

Lydia: Yes, I have. I don’t know about him. Dave, can we speak on phone? I don’t think I have your number.

Image Credit: Jayro Cerqueira da Silva

The Enemy Within

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Bortele: My husband is telling people I am philandering and making out with any man that shows me attention. We’ve been separated and in the process of divorce. I don’t understand why he’s making me look dirty in the eyes of some of our friends.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Are you sleeping around?

Bortele: No, Dave. I haven’t slept with any other man after we got married. I haven’t slept with any of the male admirers expressing interest in me yet. I want to get to know them first. And I’ve been chatting with a few so far. I will change the dynamics to sex the day my divorce is confirmed.

DBM: When did you start granting these men an audience?

Bortele: A few days after my husband and I agreed our marriage was over and went our separate ways.

DBM: You mind me asking why you two are ending the marriage?

Bortele: I don’t mind. He crossed a boundary with me. I caught him in an affair and he became abusive towards me.

DBM: What kind of abuse?

Bortele: Emotional and verbal abuse. He abused me psychologically too. It had to end because he was making me doubt myself as a mother and human being worth someone’s love.

DBM: Why is he concerned about what you choose to do with your life now that you’re no more an item?

Bortele: That is the controlling aspect of his abuse. He’s really trying my patience

DBM: Or he’s just bored and trying to add some level of excitement to his life?

Bortele: By besmirching my reputation?

DBM: You have proof he’s behind this?

Bortele: The wives of the people he’s lying to are the ones calling to inform me. Their husbands are discussing his accusations with them.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Bortele: No. I want to deal with him through the court system.

DBM: Do you have it in you to rise above his actions?

Bortele: I’ve been trying to, but lately it seems to be eating at me.

DBM: It’s the misplaced superiority syndrome feeling. Men who do that ride on the notion that they’re better than you. I know and have experienced quite a few of such. They lie and exaggerate the most – and would find delight in seeing you break. That is the kind of negativity they add to the world around them. That’s their unconscious legacy they’re most proud of. Do you care about what he thinks of you?

Bortele: No.

DBM: Good!

Bortele: You think I should ignore him?

DBM: Engaging with him only fuels his zeal to tell more lies and talk shit about you. It doesn’t make him stop anyways. People will do whatever they want to do. Your attention is your life. Question is, who do you choose to give an ounce of it to?

Bortele: I agree with you

DBM: There is a reason why you’re divorcing him. He is not a decent man. He pretends to be to his friends but the him inside of him is the man you’re done with.

Bortele: I am so done with him, Dave.

DBM: Good for you. You’re deserving of a structured man who will make you feel safe without you having to explain why.

Bortele: Do I need to tell my side of the story to the people he’s spreading rumors about me to?

DBM: If that’s what is going to make you feel heard and understood. I, on the other hand do things differently; I do not have time to waste on such foolishness. I’d rather people make their own minds about me. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Do you feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone?

Bortele: I don’t know. He’s making certain people avoid me

DBM: Truth is, some of the people around you are patiently waiting for you to make a huge mistake, so they can rain their prepared judgements on you. Give them a show while in waiting. Give them a front roll seat to what excites you. Winning their love and approval isn’t worth the while. Your peace of mind is worth the price. Nothing anyone says about you should ever affect the joy in you.

Bortele: I wish you could see me smiling

DBM: Smiling looks good on you. You’re alive each day for a reason. And, as a Christian, I believe GOD has reserved a table before an audience that has all of their biased attention on you. Give them a show that is yours and no one else’s.

Bortele: By the way, my husband dislikes you and your Facebook presence.

DBM: Even better; GOD is using the very one he so much dislikes to inspire the one he loves.

Bortele: He’s probably frowning by now reading this. Not just frowning, fuming and also insulting you in his head.

DBM: GOD has a sense of humor. No one should ever make you feel limited in any way, what-so-ever and in all situations. Do you understand?

Bortele: Yes, David. I understand perfectly. Thank you so much. I feel relieved.

DBM: Have fun.

Bortele: I am going to.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Learning To Co-Parent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova

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