Let’s Talk To Automatic
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 49: Automatic is my name
DBM: Hello Automatic. How would you describe yourself?
Automatic: I love who I am, and I have a solid source of motivation that drives me to do my best. I am hardworking, passion-driven and as real as you’d want me to be. I am in my 40’s, married and a father.
DBM: What would you want to talk about?
Automatic: I’ve gone through different stages of losses, and would want to touch on a few. I put in the ground, two of my children; I’ve lost a job and opportunities; I lost my wife’s trust in me; I almost lost my mind.
DBM: Wow! That’s a tall list of losses. How did it feel like when you lost your job?
Automatic: I saw it coming, and I knew my employer was going to let me go. But it didn’t take me long to come to terms with the fact that, I was no longer employed – and that losing my job didn’t mean my career was also over.
DBM: How do you mean?
Automatic: I know that companies look for people who are motivated, open-minded and resilient. I had to psyche myself to be in that mood, so I could reconnect with my passion and interests.
DBM: Are you working now?
Automatic: Yes, and it’s the job of my dreams
DBM: How long did it take for you to land your dream job?
Automatic: It took almost four years. I had to stay positive throughout the period, and it helped me to get myself back on my feet.
DBM: You talked about the deaths of your children…
Automatic: Dave, nothing can be more overwhelming.
DBM: I can only imagine. How old were they?
Automatic: Eight and six
DBM: How many kids do you have?
Automatic: They used to be three. Now, I have just one.
DBM: How old is this one?
Automatic: Four years
DBM: Boy or girl?
Automatic: Daddy’s little girl.
DBM: What happened with the first two?
Automatic: Someone claiming to be my wife’s friend gave them apples after school. They brought it home, ate it and that was the last time we heard of them.
DBM: What happened to your wife’s friend?
Automatic: We never got to know which of her friends did that.
DBM: I don’t understand
Automatic: Whenever their driver picks them up from school, he calls either of us parents to speak with them. He called me when he brought them home. They told me they had been given apples. My mistake was not asking them the name of person. My wife got home first after work, and they were both dead.
DBM: Where was the third child?
Automatic: With my wife
DBM: Who attends to the children when they return home from school, if you both are working?
Automatic: My wife’s mother lives with us. But she had traveled to Kumasi that week.
DBM: Tell me about the experience
Automatic: It’s profound; one of the very difficult situations to find yourself in. And the challenge it threw to us was painful, gut-wrenching.
DBM: How did you move on?
Automatic: You don’t move on, because you’re reminded everyday by their absence, that they were supposed to be outliving you instead.
DBM: When did this happen?
Automatic: 2019
DBM: How is your wife coping with everything?
Automatic: She’s still mad at God, her mother; she’s mad at me, herself and whoever, in her opinion could have prevented this from happening to our children. She’s mad at the driver, the teachers at the school. It’s not been easy on her.
DBM: You also made mention of your wife not trusting you
Automatic: She still doesn’t trust me
DBM: What did you do?
Automatic: I was involved with another woman
DBM: When?
Automatic: Last year
DBM: Are you still involved with this other woman?
Automatic: I ended things with the hope of getting my relationship back on track with my wife; but then I realized, she may never trust me again.
DBM: So?
Automatic: I am seeing another woman.
DBM: Why are you with another woman?
Automatic: I am not happy in my own home. And, I think the love just isn’t there anymore
DBM: On your part or hers?
Automatic: Both, I think. I’ve been quiet because I was hoping things would improve, because we used to have a fulfilling marriage.
DBM: Before or after the death of your children?
Automatic: Before.
DBM: Do you want to stay married to your wife?
Automatic: Yes! She’s everything to me.
DBM: Is she that much into you and the marriage?
Automatic: I think the tragedy hasn’t made things easier on my wife. She had so many dreams and hopes for the children. She had a plan for their future, and those kids in particular had a bright future. We knew it, and discussed how best we could help fulfill them. My wife is empty, and I don’t think anything I do or say can fill the void. She’s still numb to the reality of what has happened to us, and I don’t think time can heal this.
DBM: You talked about almost losing your mind
Automatic: It’s in relation to this: my wife wouldn’t allow me to touch her. I think about sex, at least, once a day. Sex is my connection to my wife. It is through sex that I am able to express my vulnerable side. Intimacy is my love language; so imagine being denied it for more than two years? I understand we were grieving but man needs to get laid in the process. She blames me for not asking the children who gave them the apples. She thinks I am responsible for what happened because I didn’t put into consideration their safety first, when they told me what had been given them.
DBM: Do you blame yourself?
Automatic: I feel guilty to some extent.
Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio
