Author: David B

© David Bondze-Mbir. All rights reserved.

Let’s Talk To Boris

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 86: Boris

DBM: Hello Boris. How would you describe yourself?

Boris: My woman’s man

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boris: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boris: I believe in premarital sex; my wife doesn’t due to her Christian convictions. I am a Christian too, and I believe having sex before marriage is one of the best ways to do romantic relationships. We had sex and fortunately for us, got pregnant before our wedding day. We got married not long ago, and I think what the reverend minister who officiated our wedding did, has austerely affected my relationship with my wife.

DBM: Are you interested in anything else your wife offers beyond the bedroom?

Boris: There is more to her than the sex. I invest in her, I prioritize her and make decisions that validate my affection and desire for her.

DBM: What did the minister do?

Boris: He asked my wife before the exchange of vows, whether or not she’s pregnant with my baby.

DBM: Asked in which manner, openly or privately?

Boris: He did not speak into the microphone but he asked in the presence of her Lady of Honor, my best man and the MC.

DBM: In the presence of your invited witnesses?

Boris: Yes, during the ceremony

DBM: Why did he feel the need to ask?

Boris: He felt we tricked him

DBM: Tricked him how?

Boris: Well, her resident pastor requested to meet with us a couple of times leading up the wedding. They asked if we had been sexually intimate, and my wife said ‘no’, which was a lie because we had found out she was seven or eight weeks pregnant as at that time.

DBM: Why did she have to lie about it?

Boris: She didn’t see the need to volunteer any of that information. Secondly, she didn’t want to disappoint her pastor because she’s been told since she was a kid, that premarital sex is a sin. I had no problem telling the truth, but she begged me not to come forward with our private activities if her church executives asked.

DBM: How did the minister find out that she was expecting?

Boris: I don’t know how, but someone clearly told him our business.

DBM: Did he officiate the wedding?

Boris: He insisted we confessed before he did. Unfortunately, while my wife was denying the pregnancy, I was saying ‘yes’ to his question at the same time.

DBM: You both were to present a united front, no?

Boris: Yes, but here is the case people had started murmuring and were wondering what could be going on with us. The pastor looked angry, and would not go ahead with the program till we told the truth.  It was even embarrassing when he kept expressing how disappointed he was in my wife. My wife practically started to weep.

DBM: This is so wrong on every level. On your wedding day?

Boris: If I am being honest here; I wish we hadn’t gone through with the wedding after that whole scene. My wife was not herself right up the questioning before the vows exchange till the ceremony was over. Our professional photos look ugly because we weren’t happy in it. That overwhelming sense of happiness that I was hoping my wife and I could experience was taken away from us.

DBM: I can only imagine

Boris: Dave, I don’t think I will ever get to that point where I can look back on my wedding day with any emotion other than regret, anger and discomfort.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate

Boris: It’s the truth

DBM: Who do you think is to blame here?

Boris: My wife blames me

DBM: Why is she blaming you?

Boris: She says I didn’t have her back when she needed me the most.

DBM: As in?

Boris: Not going along with the same script.

DBM: But you had gone along with it up till the priest had to confront you all over again at the altar, no?

Boris: She doesn’t see it that way. She feels she cannot trust me. And my wife is the type who would rather love a man she trusts. We have not had sex since our wedding incident. She cancelled our honeymoon plans and went home. It’s been two months since the wedding. Her love and excitement for me is now replaced with fear and doubt.

DBM: I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, but then again, she’s the one who put you in that uncomfortable position to save face by lying about it

Boris: I had no problem telling anyone we were having sex

DBM: Because you were having sex with her

Boris: Exactly!

DBM: I have a personal relationship with GOD, even though I am no longer a church-goer. And to the best of my knowledge, I doubt if GOD cares that much about what I do with my genitalia. I may be wrong; however, I do know that He is very much concerned about my heart, and exactly where my priorities lie.

Boris: Do you believe in sex before or after marriage?

DBM: I do not equate sexual morality to how long I wait before having sex. Don’t get me wrong; I believe in abstinence. I have two biological sisters who are still keeping themselves pure only for their future husbands, and would not have sex with any man till they are married to them. To me, it’s a beautiful and wise decision they’ve made. But sexual morality, in my opinion isn’t about purity. It is about how I treat myself and the person I am with. If I am genuinely that much into you, and I feel there is a possible future to be built with you, sex would be good for me if it’s that important a bond to increase our emotional intimacy, and also build a stronger self-image for us. And this has absolutely nothing to do with being married to you. That doesn’t make me dirty or impure. I feel that, so far as we are ready, and we both consent to it, one should not feel shame in desiring to be physically intimate with someone they love and trust.

Boris: I agree

DBM: Why do you think your wife agreed to sex before marriage, even though she would have loved to wait till after the wedding?

Boris: I think she craved for it at a point.

DBM: I am naturally not so crazy about sex, even though I love the idea of some good sex. I think I have a low sex drive and can find pleasure in deep and meaningful companionship without necessarily using sex as a key component.

Boris: What do I do about my wife?

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Boris: I have, but she’s still not having sex with me. She looks at me differently.

DBM: Do you think she will ever get over it?

Boris: No! She doesn’t think I am reliable. She doesn’t share her feelings and personal thoughts with me anymore

DBM: Well, at this point I don’t think there is much you can do. Just trust that she knows what’s in her best interest. Respect her boundaries and be considerate to her needs. Also, have faith in her, regardless of the tension between you two.

Boris: For how long? We’ve been married for more than two months and still, no show.

Image Credit: Carsten Vollrath

Let’s Talk To Luke

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 7 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 85: The name is Luke

DBM: Luke chapter what?

Luke: 😁

DBM: Hi Luke. How would you describe yourself?

Luke: I don’t know how to break this complication down: I am legally in a marital relationship with my wife. I have also agreed to work as a hired husband to my employer’s wife, for payment under the contract of employment.

DBM: What?

Luke: Yeah!

DBM: I will come back to this. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Luke: 8 + 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Luke: My situation ship. I came across a job advertisement. The job title was Client Satisfaction Manager. The job responsibilities included handling client issues during the execution life cycle in a timely and accurate fashion; compilation of data collected, and basically, knowing enough about each zone of the company, in order to make pertinent suggestions to the client. It also involved a lot of traveling. I applied and got my job interview scheduled. Dave, I needed a new challenge, and so I prepared for my interview to ensure I made the best impression possible. We were about six in number on the day I interviewed. In the course of answering a question directed at me, I saw the only lady on the panel focusing with an intense gaze at me. She picked her phone and texted someone. The owner of the company, who was part of the team interviewing me, picked his phone to read a message, and immediately started smiling. I gazed back at the lady and she was staring at my lips to probably gain further circumstantial cues about the responses I was giving. Well, so I thought. Twenty-five or so minutes later, I left the conference room feeling positive about my candidacy. I missed a call on the phone on my way home, and so I tried calling back. He cut my call and called back.

DBM: Who called?

Luke: The owner of the company.

DBM: How could you tell it was him?

Luke: I could recognize his voice from the interview.

DBM: Okay?

Luke: He arranged a private meeting at a venue, which turned out to be the house address of his wife. They were waiting for me when I arrived. He wanted to offer me a different job but under the title of Client Satisfaction Consultant. He wanted me to become his wife’s husband.

DBM: His wife’s husband?

Luke: I know, right? Creepy. He explained to me that he is unable to meet his wife’s emotional needs. He also said he was pursuing another love interest and didn’t want to divorce his wife because there is too much at stake. He wanted me to become the safe place his could come to when emotionally down. He was going to continue being her provider in monetary ways. However, I am expected to provide her strength when she’s frail, affection when she feels lonely and courage when she’s scared.

DBM: Did they know that you are a married man?

Luke: They knew. I had my wedding band on during the interview and the meeting at her house. They proposed a lucrative salary with all benefits included; pension and social insurance contributions – medical, death, education, annual paid leave and public holidays off. I start work at 8:30 am to 4:30 pm.

DBM: I really am following your story, but where is your office be located?

Luke: Per my contract, I report to the company’s headquarters twice a week, from 8:30 to 12:30 pm to do personal assignments, and then complete the remaining hours at his wife’s house. I have been given my own office.

DBM: Which days do you report at the office?

Luke: It’s per my discretion.

DBM: So, the three remaining weekdays, your job station is where?

Luke: His wife’s house.

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Luke: For some time now

DBM: Can you put a time frame to it?

Luke: Yes, but it may inconvenience me. My wife can easily calculate from when I started job-hunting if she’s to come across this post.

DBM: But your job title equally gives you out, no?

Luke: I lied to her about the job title when I made the decision to accept this offer.

DBM: Aha!

Luke: Sometimes, a man has got to withhold certain truths about themselves or what they’re doing from their wives – just to avoid disappointing them. I know it’s not the best of decisions to make, that’s why I am choosing to shield my wife from pain and other possible consequences.

DBM: What if your wife decides to one day, surprise you at work?

Luke: My wife may consider a surprise on my birthdays or our wedding anniversaries. Those days, I ensure to be at work for the first half.

DBM: You have it all figured out, I guess?

Luke: Yes sir.

DBM: So, tell me how it works when you’re at the contract-wife’s house

Luke: I get home. Greet her with a kiss or hug; ask about her night. She prepares breakfast for us. After eating, she talks about whatever she’d want to talk about. Actually, I used to think my legal wife was a talker but this woman talks way more than my original wife. Anyhow, I don’t mind her talking so much, so I just listen and chat back. Most days in my original marriage, my wife and I argue a lot. But with this contract marriage, my woman and I don’t really argue.

DBM: I am just laughing in awe

Luke: I know. It will sound funny to me too 😊

DBM: How do you greet her when you first arrive at her home?

Luke: ‘Good morning, my Love’ or ‘darling, babe’ or ‘how is my lovely sunshine doing this morning?’ depending on my groove. Most mornings when I am there and I hear the shower turn on, I’ll climb in the shower with her and… Wheew! Those are usually beautiful mornings.

DBM: I can only imagine. So, this is not just some sex gig?

Luke: No, Dave. It’s a real-fake marriage. We would often watch a TV show together, make lunch together, and this is something I never thought I could do with my real wife. Some days, we just keep to ourselves. She would be reading a book and I would be in bed.

DBM: Do you do outings together?

Luke: No! But as I said earlier, we travel once in a while, to other places together.

DBM: Does it get boring?

Luke: Sometimes. And at those times, we both recognize it and keep to ourselves till it’s time for me to go home.

DBM: What is your feeling towards this job?

Luke: Dave, I am in love with her. Being in love only requires me to believe that I am in love. And I can confidently say that, this job has helped me grow to understand love even better. It’s helping me to appreciate my legal wife and children the more. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without my original wife and work wife.

DBM: That’s good to know. But as at this moment, your wife doesn’t have a clue what you have been up to over the years. Aren’t you barring yourself from showing up authentically at your matrimonial home?

Luke: This secret is weighing me down, that’s why I am revealing it to you instead, so we share its load. I know my wife, she cannot organize her life around this information. I would spare her the hurt, sadness and anger.

DBM: Okay!

Luke: I love my job. Aside the benefits, I am learning a lot about women and how to treat them right. I am learning about love.

DBM: I am curious about one thing; does your wife not see any changes in you to suspect something?

Luke: I watch how I react around her when I am at home. Also, work officially ends when it’s 4:30 pm. Work-wife respects the boundaries.

DBM: Your wife doesn’t smell her perfume or scent on you?

Luke: She doesn’t use any presumes around me when I am at work. But even if she has to wear one to smell good, I’ve bought her my brand of perfumes to smell like me.

DBM: This is one of the interesting chats I have ever had in my life. Why did you choose me?

Luke: David, I haven’t always been your No.1 fan. But truth be told, I think you are using your Facebook to do a wonderful thing. I don’t agree with your prejudiced point of view when it comes to men and women. I can’t seem to wrap my head around why you think women are incapable of doing bad all by themselves. Anyways, that is a conversation for another day. But as I was saying, your platform is clean and sound. You know how to pull some of us out of our shelves to open up. It’s a rare gift, and I believe you have it. Just try not to change. Continue to be in a league of your own.

DBM: Appreciated. Thank you!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Kimberly

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 84: Kimberly

DBM: Hello Kimberly. How would you describe yourself?

Kimberly: I have a positive attitude. I have a soft heart. I am always smiling

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Kimberly: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Kimberly: I have been constantly treated unfairly and essentially, intimidated at my workplace by my supervisor and some of my co-workers. To the extent that, it is affecting my mental health and stressing me out. Everything I do, is wrong in someone’s eyes. My supervisor demeans my work standards all the time, yet would present them at meetings as his ideas. He does not give me credit for the works I do. He takes the glory for himself and shuts me out totally when the CEO or investors needs briefing on the works I’ve done. The criticisms of my co-workers are always unfair, and they would not stop spreading false rumors about me. They give me poor reviews on my performance, even though they all know I do solid work for the company. I don’t know how to put these things behind me. I am now afraid to even be myself at work.

DBM: That’s awful. I am terribly sorry about that.

Kimberly: I do not understand what I have done to them

DBM: It is not fun; trust me, I know how you are feeling. Kim, some people are like that; they only find delight in disparaging you on a regular basis till you begin to question your own capabilities.

Kimberly: There is an important meeting I am supposed to be attending because it’s my proposal that is being considered to be funded. My supervisor and his cheerleaders have managed to leave me out.

DBM: Are you authorized to be present at this meeting?

Kimberly: They expect me to explain into detail the proposal, but my supervisor called me in his office to do a presentation on my project. He is again, going to present it as his own. I realized he has taken my name off the work and replaced it with his. This is the fourth time he has done this to me.

DBM: He is the one you report to directly?

Kimberly: Yes

DBM: Have you made an official complaint to maybe, HR? Because I see this to be a form of mistreatment

Kimberly: Every time I get into contact with our HR, she brushes it aside or gives a cursory response and moves ahead without any real action.

DBM: I see

Kimberly: Another thing they keep saying is, they all went through the process, and so I should stop whining and just focus on my work.

DBM: Do you believe what they’re doing to you to be right?

Kimberly: No! I treat everyone with respect at work. I smile with everyone, even the cleaners. I try to be nice and spread joy. I don’t understand why they are picking on me.

DBM: What do you do when you feel attacked in this manner?

Kimberly: Lately, I ignore them

DBM: I am used to ignoring people who act that way too. However, ignoring them and letting it continue only gets worse with time. Your silence gives them permission to disrespect you the more.

Kimberly: Just last week at a meeting, I shared an idea, which I believed was brilliant. Even I was proud of myself. My supervisor outrightly ignored it. A hour later, a line manager shared my same concept, tweaking it to sound different. But everyone in the room knew it was my exact concept, and my supervisor congratulated him on his ‘excellent’ suggestion.

DBM: From the way you speak, I’d want to assume you are very smart. This is what I believe, brilliant people are those with great ideas to share. So, keep your ideas and concepts coming, and be willing and okay with giving them away all the time.

Kimberly: Even if people are going to steal them? Because I work really hard to come up with concepts for our company to execute. The least they could do is acknowledge me. It’s really annoying when I think of it.

DBM: This may sound weird, but when people steal something I have built as their own or interpret it differently to suit their agendas, all in the name of being seen, heard, praised or viewed as smart, I take their act as a compliment. You need to understand that, there are people who will go to great lengths to make themselves look important. My little advice would be, keep delivering your ideas, and have fun doing it. Because it does bring meaning to your work life, Kim.

Kimberly: How about the fact that they try to be rude in the process?

DBM: Maybe, you can draw their attention to the fact that, you notice what they’re doing.

Kimberly: I have tried that. They’re still being nasty

DBM: Then, let them for the time being. Continue to be nice to everyone at work. Help your supervisor to get the job done, even if it means him taking credit for your work. Just approach it with an open mind, and see what else he’s capable of. As an employee, your foremost duty is to make your boss happy.

Kimberly: But I am not happy, Dave. I don’t feel valued at my workplace.

DBM: Your happiness is important. If you are not happy, then that’s not a good thing. Are you considering looking into jobs elsewhere?

Kimberly: Yes

DBM: Okay! At the end of the day, your pride, self-respect and esteem; mental, emotional and physical well-being is far more important than the paycheck you get.

Image Credit: Marcelo Chagas

Let’s Talk To Israel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 83: Israel is fine by me

DBM: Hi Israel. How would you describe yourself?

Israel: My friends say they can count on me at every turn. They also say I am good looking, funny and have a knack for making others feel good. I am a dreamer, goofy and a goal-chaser.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Israel: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Israel: I share a beautiful escapade with a friend that is arousing so many funny feelings in me. We weren’t supposed to fall in love but I find myself sharing even the slightest moments of my day-to-day with her. I am interested in her interests. It’s crazy to admit but I feel like a teenager again.

DBM: I am happy for you

Israel: Thanks, but not everyone in my camp is digging the idea. She is a single mother of two. I don’t have a child.

DBM: How old are you?

Israel: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Israel: 33

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Israel: Two years

DBM: How do you define the nature of your relationship?

Israel: Our agreement was to have really good sex. I care about her but we were not reliant on our affection. I did not feel answerable to her beyond friendship. It wasn’t frequent sex but it happened when it happened.

DBM: You get laid how many times in a week?

Israel: With her or in general?

DBM: With her

Israel: At least, twice a week

DBM: And in general?

Israel: Four or five times.

DBM: And, it was strictly sex?

Israel: That was the arrangement, and we made sure it wasn’t confused for something deeper. But it’s difficult now for me to get my head around it. I am literally fighting with my feelings and it’s stressing me out.

DBM: Warmth is a huge part of how men sometimes express love

Israel: She’s always on my mind

DBM: Because you want to keep the love alive

Israel: Do you think it’s love?

DBM: If I am consciously or unconsciously, staying in touch with an important part of me that craves physical contact, and I am that much into giving and receiving affection from this person who excites my point of view, then it’s definitely something worth looking into.

Israel: She’s introduced me to her children.

DBM: As her what?

Israel: Friend. Her children are very stubborn, but I like them

DBM: How old are they?

Israel: 11 and 9

DBM: Do you think her children are ready to see their mother with another man who isn’t their father?

Israel: They hug me when they see me. They talk to me on phone when I call their mother. I get along very well with them.

DBM: That’s good then

Israel: I have introduced her to my friends. They like her, as long as she doesn’t become my wife. But their opinions doesn’t count on this subject.

DBM: Smh!

Israel: I don’t know what she’s thinking. She has a busy life. Her job is demanding; mine too but she seems to believe the strictly sex hook-up and our friendship is what works best for her.

DBM: Meaning, you cannot tell whether or not she feels the same way towards you?

Israel: Yeah! She’s afraid of hurting the feelings of her children, so she stays single. They want their mother and father to be together.

DBM: Is she still interested in the guy?

Israel: No, but he wants to come back to her.

DBM: Have you dropped the L-bomb on her?

Israel: Not yet. I don’t know how to drop hints without being too forward.

DBM: What I know is, if I am developing genuine feelings for someone that I believe I care about, I would put it out there – for them to know exactly what is going on with me. Afterall, I have nothing to lose.

Israel: I care about this woman. I care about her children too.

DBM: Send her an admiration text.

Israel: Saying what precisely?

DBM: What’s her name?

Israel: Hannah

DBM: ‘Hannah, I think you are doing an incredible job with your kids. You just came to mind.’

Israel: I like it. Can I send it now?

DBM: If you want to. You stated earlier that your camp isn’t in agreement of her?

Israel: My friends think single-mothers come with a lot baggage. My mother will not be welcoming to the idea of a woman with two children. In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to date her friend’s daughter.

DBM: You may love Hannah to want to commit to her, but are you ready for a relationship like that?

Israel: Is anyone ever ready to jump into a serious relationship?

DBM: Well, one can always challenge themselves to become a man or woman worth loving, no?

Israel: I am worth loving

DBM: Question is, why Hannah?

Israel: Hannah, because I honestly cannot see myself finding anyone like her. I’ve lived a pretty adventurous life and I don’t want to lose the greatest thing that has ever happened to me by far.

DBM: Most of these single-mothers have a sense of fear when it comes to putting themselves out there, and basically, exposing their feelings with the hope of something positive in return.

Israel: I realized that about Hannah

DBM: I have a few friends like your woman, who open up to me about their lives, and so, I have a fair idea as to how they think and feel. These ladies often have been hurt or disappointed by their past relationships, thus, making them have a hard time trusting another man. Nonetheless, they say what’s on their minds as blunt as possible. They hardly would have the time to play any games with your mind. And I know they expect same from you.

Israel: It’s been good talking with you, Dave.

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rhema

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To Alexa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This phone interview was engineered by the mother of Alexa. She wanted me to have a conversation with her daughter to know her mind. Alexa’s mother’s first husband was Pop. The union produced Joey and Toni. Her second marriage was to Alexa’s father, Nigel. Now, she’s divorced and engaged to her third guy, Charles. This phone interview between David Bondze-Mbir and Alexa was recorded, and has been transcribed verbatim for publication.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 81: I would say Alexa

DBM: Hi Alexa. How would you describe yourself?

Alexa: Kind, smart and a polite child

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alexa: Errrm, probably 7 😀 Please don’t ask me why; I have no idea.

DBM: So, how would you describe your mum?

Alexa: Kind, respectful; I’m trying to figure out a word for someone who ‘stands out’ but I have no words – vibrant.

DBM: Oh my! Hehehe. How about your dad, how would you describe him?

Alexa: Errrm, strong; what’s like a word for like always working hard? Hardworking, busy… he’s very busy. Sometimes I feel bad to think he has anger issues. He’s like a shadow; he doesn’t like standing out like my mum

DBM: Tell me a little about your sisters

Alexa: Well… well. Hehehe. I was waiting for that. It’s going to take me a long time. Errrm, Joey, she’s sometimes bossy. And, she likes to run a lot, so I’d say sometimes energetic but she really does not like to take photos, neither does Toni. Errm, Toni, she’s strong. Joey is also strong, but she’s strong and … I’m thinking of words: polite to other people. And, she’s mean to me. Errm, yeah! But she’s sometimes kind to me.

DBM: Do you believe your parents love you?

Alexa: Well, yes. And, I really like remember, I think it was last night, I’m not sure. Last night or the night before, I said that my mommy likes Charles more than me. And now I know that mommy can’t love anyone else more than us. She can love someone else but not more than us. I know that my daddy loves me. Just that sometimes I think he doesn’t when he’s shouting at me. Pops I think loves me too. No one is leaving me

DBM: Have any of your friends’ parent gotten a divorce?

Alexa: Hehehe. Yes! Errm, Corey. Err Corey, she’s… Yeah, so her parents have gotten a divorce. They’re actually divorced and her mum is going out with another person. And she doesn’t call him dad. She calls her first dad, dad. I feel sad that my parents are getting a divorce because I don’t want them to split up. I fear that someday, my daddy will just leave us and I won’t see him. But my parents have promised me that we are all going to be staying together as one family.

DBM: Have you had nightmares about what’s going on between your parents?

Alexa: Nah, I haven’t had nightmares. Because I’m not that scared of it. But I feel I will in the future because I have heard other children do have nightmares after their parents’ divorce.

DBM: Will you let both parents know any time you get hurt at the thought of them not being together?

Alexa: Yes, because I know that mummy can fix it; mummy or daddy will help me when I am upset.

DBM: When you grow up, how would you want to see your own family? As in, your idea of the kind of family you would want to have when you grow up?

Alexa: I want to be rich. And I want to be famous, but I consider my family in future to be a very happy family; all of us living together happily, nothing sad. Sometimes arguing, because I know we will sometimes argue but we will have a good resolve, I know. Hehehe. Because me and my family have a lot of differences. But we are still family, no matter what.

DBM: Okay, that’s cool. How do you think your siblings are taking this whole decision your parents have made? Do you think they understand why mommy is no longer with your dad, and why she feels she’s happier now with someone else? Do you kids understand what is really going on? Has mom and dad sat you all down to explain what is going on, and why they feel they have to make such a decision?

Alexa: Errrm, that’s a lot of things you just asked. I understand it. I am not sure if my other sisters understand. I am pretty sure Joey understands it, but I will tell you one thing; I already knew about it before mommy told me. I was literally on her iPad doing my thing, and then I just wanted to look at some pictures of mommy. So, I went over to the photos, and I saw a letter, a Valentine card. And it said… errrm, I forgot. But then a few days later, I saw a picture of mommy and Charles, talking to each other. So, I was like, ‘hmmmm! I smell something fishy’. Hehehe. So then, I went to tell Toni. I told her, ‘I think mommy is going to marry a different man.’ When we figured out that she was going to divorce my father, errrm, Toni was like, ‘what the hell!’ I was correct. As in, I’ve never been correct in my whole entire life. It really was going to happen after all, and that was just a miracle to her. My sister was very surprised that I guessed right. And, I think my daddy was also thinking of someone else after their divorce; because when I am watching him, especially when he was with my mother, he was texting someone else. It was a girl. And they were exchanging love-heart emojis between themselves.

DBM: Wow! That’s very interesting. Okay, so if you could tell your mom and dad one thing, what would it be?

Alexa: Errrm, I’d say to daddy, I feel you are very jealous of Charles. And I’ve also noticed that he’s sad about it like I am, but it’s the best for mommy. Because if my mommy stays with my dad, she would be sad and probably, not happy. That will also not make daddy happy. And to my mommy, I’d say, ‘why did you make this decision?’Arrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhh! ‘Why did you make this decision?’ I am not saying mommy should leave Charles and go back to my daddy, but she can. Anyways, I am pretty sure that as long as we all stay happy, I am okay. Because I am happy. Yeah! I am okay that she’s in love with someone else, but I would prefer mommy and daddy not getting a divorce. If I had a magic wand, I would figure out a way to make everyone else happy. But I would try to figure out how to make the three of us, me, mommy and daddy very happy. I am not as happy as I was before their divorce. I know my daddy is not as happy as he was before the divorce. But my mommy is definitely happy. She likes Charles very much. She talks to him every single day. She likes talking to him. Is that obsession?

DBM: Lol! Please clarify this for me; do you understand the fact that because your mom and dad want to be happy, they cannot be together?

Alexa: Errrm, yes, I do understand. Mommy made the decision. I don’t know why daddy agreed to it. Errrm, I feel very disappointed in them. Especially in my dad for agreeing to a divorce. Bla… bla… bla. I know mom would not have been happy, but I can make her happy. Well, I cannot be her husband. But I don’t think she even needs a husband to be happy. It’s literally like saying, a woman needs money to be happy.

DBM: Thank you Alexa. How old are you?

Alexa: I am eight. I hope we would do this again, because it was really fun. I think mommy is now going to ask me a million questions. But thank you. I also want to say, I wish my middle sister, Toni loves me more, or show that she loves me more. Mummy keeps insisting Toni loves me very much but she does not always behave like she loves me.

Image Credit: Monstera

Let’s Talk To Asantewaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 80: Asantewaa

DBM: Hello Asantewaa. How would you describe yourself?

Asantewaa: 😭

DBM: Oh! What’s the matter?

Asantewaa: I don’t know where to begin

DBM: Let’s start from here. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Asantewaa: 0

DBM: Zero? You cannot be zero

Asantewaa: That’s how I feel

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Asantewaa: I just tested positive for HIV. I am so frightened; I don’t know how to process the news. I have not done anything wrong. I have not done anything bad. My husband is the only guy I have been sexual with since we married. I can swear on my life and the lives of our children, I am telling the truth. The news distresses me so much, I have not been myself a couple of days now. I don’t know if my husband senses my anxiety. Dave, I have never been this depressed in life.

DBM: Hey, slow down.

Asantewaa: I can’t. This is not my destiny

DBM: I am so sorry about everything happening to you right now

Asantewaa: I feel so alone

DBM: You are far from alone

Asantewaa: I don’t know what to do. I am going to die from AIDS

DBM: Being HIV-positive doesn’t mean you have AIDS. Try to calm down, please?

Asantewaa: How can I calm down!

DBM: It is going to be okay

Asantewaa: No, that’s a lie

DBM: Have you done further blood test to confirm the result?

Asantewaa: Yes. I have done three separate tests and they all came back positive

DBM: It may take some time, but I believe you will come to terms with it

Asantewaa: I will not

DBM: Hey, everything is going to be alright

Asantewaa: How do you know?

DBM: You are not the first person to share your HIV news with me on Facebook. Many people have, and their health seems to be better now because they know their HIV statuses. They tell me they’re able to get the right monitoring and treatment.

Asantewaa: This is so scary, Dave. This is not the life I dreamed for myself.

DBM: You can still chase after the life you dreamed for yourself before you learned that you were HIV-positive.

Asantewaa: Easier said. You are not in my shoes

DBM: I don’t have to be in your shoes to tell you that everything is really going to be alright. What has your doctor told you thus far?

Asantewaa: Hmmm! She says my immune system is working well, and the HIV isn’t progressing so fast. She also said I have a healthy body.

DBM: Okay! That’s good to know. Has your husband been tested?

Asantewaa: No! I’ve not told him anything yet

DBM: When do you plan telling him?

Asantewaa: I don’t know. I am still wrapping my head around the news

DBM: You don’t have to share your HIV diagnosis with everyone out there, but your husband has a legal right to know.

Asantewaa: I don’t know what I am more sacred of; me dying or my husband leaving me – when he finds out

DBM: His safety depends on it

Asantewaa: I know

DBM: And any sexual partners he’s had since being exposed to the infection.

Asantewaa: You know what? I’ve been thinking about that actually. Why am I HIV-positive if my husband is the only man, I’ve been having sex with since we married?

DBM: Were you both negative prior to marriage?

Asantewaa: Yes.

DBM: Off the top of my head, I can count 17 women who have shared their diagnosis with me. I think only two found out they had been infected after their husbands had come clean for them to get tested. The rest got to know through random tests, because their husbands either did not know, or knew but kept the information from them.

Asantewaa: My husband has not given me any reason to question him, nor his intentions or feelings. He has not given me a reason to doubt him or our relationship.

DBM: Not even once?

Asantewaa: We’ve had our disagreements every now and then, but he does not make me second-guess his emotions. He has not given me any reason not to trust him.

DBM: Again, you can only be certain after he’s been tested. Majority of the women who shared their experiences with me were convinced about the same things when it came to questioning their husbands’ fidelity to them. Whenever a man is trying so hard to make it clear to you that you are the only one he could ever be with, just ask for his phone and password; right there and then, to have a private tour on his daily conversations and activities.

Asantewaa: My husband has a password on his phone

DBM: Do you know the code?

Asantewaa: I don’t. But he knows mine. I let him have my phone anytime he wants to use it. The children have access to it too. I have nothing to hide; also, it’s because he is my husband.

DBM: I see

Asantewaa: But there have been times that he would be on his phone and would try to hide his screen from me.

DBM: Do you do that to him?

Asantewaa: I don’t.

DBM: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. However, if a partner starts to act shady or give any reason to suspect something is amiss, sometimes by hiding their phone screens while on phone next to you, then it is what it is

Asantewaa: I usually do not have a clue what he does on his phone, and I don’t ask

DBM: What prompted you to get tested?

Asantewaa: I was experiencing recurring vaginal yeast infections. I was feeling so tired all the time, I wasn’t finding my energy to be intimate with my husband. Also, my husband used to complain about the heat in the environment in general, when he used to sweat at night. I had to visit the hospital when I experienced itchy skin rashes

DBM: I see.

Asantewaa: I feel myself growing angry again

DBM: Why is that?

Asantewaa: What if my husband is the reason smiles have fallen off my face?

DBM: If you love your husband, and still want to spend the rest of your life with him, HIV does not have to affect that.

Asantewaa: I am not going to be my husband’s keeper if he did this to me.

DBM: Please let me know what happens after confronting him.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To SafoMaame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 79: You can call me SafoMaame

DBM: Hi SafoMaame. How would you describe yourself?

SafoMaame: I fear being a failure. I fear being rejected if I am to speak the truth. I used to not drink. Now, I actually enjoy a good vodka or gin because those are the drinks my husband hides in the cabinet at home. I am no longer passionate about the office I occupy; I am no longer passionate about my marriage; I am no longer passionate about my husband.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

SafoMaame: I’d say 4 over 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SafoMaame: I am supposed to be the wife of a Prophet, but my husband is toxic. And I am worried about the foundation of his church, putrefying. The second concern is my son. I asked him what he wants to become in future, and he said, he wants to be like his daddy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

SafoMaame: My husband is very active on his social media platforms, so I don’t want to be specific with personal information.

DBM: Understood! You’re still married to him, no?

SafoMaame: Yes

DBM: Why do you describe your husband as toxic?

SafoMaame: I have never seen a man as arrogant as my husband is. He is calculating and crafty, unforgiving, selfish, always lying and exaggerating; and only chases after the endorsement of people. He is his most prophetic when he comes into contact with a rich man or woman. He will say and do anything to cajole or indulge them, so far as they have money. I am sorry to say this, but he is not trustworthy.

DBM: Was he always like this?

SafoMaame: I’d say yes and no, though I had my reservations about him, even back then – when we were dating.

DBM: What kinds of doubts?

SafoMaame: He has difficulty acknowledging his transgressions. He sees the call upon his life to be unique, and above the biblical standard. I know some of his junior pastors in church who are scholarly and can preach and speak into the lives of the congregation way better than him. My husband knows these young, spirit-filled guys can do the job better, but would not share his pulpit. Anything that would influence the attention of the people off him, he would not allow. It always has to be his name on the lips of people; his brand, his message. If a junior pastor proposes a solid idea that benefits the church, at a church-executives meeting, he will undermine the proposal simply because it didn’t come from him. If he feels threatened by a discerning junior pastor, he will send them off to the field to go and establish a branch of the church elsewhere, without any help from him or the church.

DBM: This is not healthy

SafoMaame: Mr. David, if I am to tell you what I am dealing with

DBM: I believe in a church that is bursting with diverse voices and giftings; a church that is welcoming to different minds and interpretations, when it comes to The Word of GOD. I prefer a pastor who doesn’t mind sharing his stage

SafoMaame: Not my husband. He has a dollar account in the name of the church, but the funds are being used for his personal purchases overseas: homes, cars, designer shoes and tailored clothing, etc.

DBM: At the end of the day, it’s your family that’s benefiting from all this, no?

SafoMaame: Yes, and that is why I am troubled. He is not doing things the right way. My husband will accuse a church staff for the same thing he’s doing with church money. Dave, the horrific things my husband has done …

DBM: What has he done?

SafoMaame: Let me tell you about one or two. There are women in our church who unfortunately, are unable to conceive in their marriages. I know my husband prays for a number of them during regular Sunday church services and consultation during the week. Many of them eventually get pregnant. They will come to church to thank my husband after giving birth, give their offerings, but then, stop church afterwards. I kept wondering why I wasn’t seeing many of the new miracle babies and their mothers. I accidentally met two of them at separate locations after a year or two of not attending church, and their sons looked just like my sons when they were their sons’ age. The sad part is, they were all trying to hide from me. They didn’t want me to see their kids. One even lied about the child being home, while he was seated in her car.

DBM: That’s weird

SafoMaame: The resemblance was crystal. They were my husband’s children. And so, I asked if they slept with him. One vehemently denied and was accusing me of insulting her integrity, but the other broke down in the end, and started confessing to how my husband had to have sex with her multiple times till she took seed. This particular lady had been married for six years without a child. She said my husband convinced her in prayer, he was the one to give her the experience of a child, and not her husband.

DBM: Did you confront him?

SafoMaame: I did. He says the call on his life is an opening to help others through whichever means, and that, I need to understand

DBM: The call on his life is not to take advantage of people

SafoMaame: To him, Prophets also make mistakes, and will keep making mistakes, so far as their mistakes solve problems for others. Dave, at the moment, my life revolves around him and what he brings home to our family. The irony is that, he is the first to expose a church member or staff for their wrongdoing

DBM: Do you pray for your husband?

SafoMaame: I used to, but he keeps getting worse

DBM: How many people have you told this to?

SafoMaame: My mother, and now, you.

DBM: In-as-much as you abhor his deceitfulness, I would entreat you not to be spreading rumors about him by telling too many people. Rather, find people you know he respects and would listen to, to address the matter with him.

SafoMaame: His spiritual fathers in ministry are doing worse. Majority of the people who give their offerings to my husband’s church are suffering, yet he would do nothing to support the congregation. He takes, and keeps taking from them. He will prescribe days of fasting and prayers for the church, and he will not pray nor fast at home.

DBM: I can only imagine. I have an idea of many of such people who look the part, while their character lacks the part. Their outward appearance looks good, while their actual motives and intentions stinks.

SafoMaame: Women look up to me in church, and I feel very bad when I think about all the bad things going on in my husband’s ministry that I am helping to cover up with my silence and fears.

DBM: Your task as his wife is to be true to yourself, your husband, the church and to GOD.

SafoMaame: I am not being true to myself and God.

DBM: What do you want to do?

SafoMaame: I’m stuck at the moment. I have heard other preachers questioning his calling and sermons, and he’s always accusing them of being spiritually and biblically oblivious

DBM: Do you see yourself to be growing as a Christian, fellowshipping under your husband’s feet?

SafoMaame: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: If you, his wife isn’t seeing growth in your spiritual walk with GOD, then I wonder what else the church is feeding on.

SafoMaame: Dave, can you pray for me? I am really hurting

DBM: I pray The Lord to make known to you the path He’s called you to take, especially in these times where you cannot clearly tell between what to do and what not to do. Only GOD understands what’s going on in your life, in your mind, in your head, and in your heart. I pray The Peace of GOD to your understanding; I pray healing to your brokenness and hurt. May the grace of GOD be sufficient for even you. I pray The Lord to fill you with so much joy, just at the thought of Him. May He hide you and the children, in the shadows of His wings from the wiles of whatever is causing your husband to be what GOD has not called him to be. May The Lord grant and create in you His sound and pure Heart, Spirit and Mind; and may He smile on you through it all. In Jesus Name, Amen!

SafoMaame: Amen! Thank you!

DBM: You’re most welcome!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Keith

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 78: Keith

DBM: Hello Keith. How would you describe yourself?

Keith: I am a DJ with an Accra-based FM station. I like inspiring people to get up and dance. It puts a smile on my face

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Keith: I would have said 9, but because of the trouble I find myself in now, I’d say 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Keith: I have impregnated a 17-year-old girl, and her parents are threatening to get me arrested

DBM: How old are you?

Keith: In my mid-to-late thirties

DBM: Did you know of her age before being physical with her?

Keith: No! We met at a night club, clicked and had our first sex in my car. We exchanged numbers, and she would arrange to fuck with me, once or twice in a week.

DBM: Where were you meeting to do this?

Keith: I have a place

DBM: Is that where you live?

Keith: No! But I used to live there

DBM: I’d want to believe I would know a teenager when I meet one. Couldn’t you tell her age by just looking at her?

Keith: Dave, she looks way older than she actually is. Also, when we met at the club, she had make-up on, and was wearing a wig and clothing that an adult would wear. She and her friends were acting mature. I could not tell the difference.

DBM: Were you two dating, prior to the pregnancy?

Keith: No! It was strictly sex. We weren’t talking with the intention of being in a relationship. It was simply fun we were having

DBM: Till she got pregnant

Keith: Yes. I hadn’t heard from her for two weeks, so I sent her a message. Her father called me, minutes after the message was read.

DBM: Are you single?

Keith: Not really

DBM: Not really, meaning?

Keith: I am not single. Whatever we did, she consented to it

DBM: Whereby consent means?

Keith: She agreed to have sex with me, and we both understood what we were agreeing to.

DBM: Everyone but minors have the right to make choices about sex. A minor cannot consent to any type of sexual activity. How long have you been having sex with this girl?

Keith: Almost a year

DBM: When was her 17th birth date?

Keith: I don’t know. We don’t discuss those things

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, Ghana’s statutory rape law is violated when you have consensual sexual contact with a person under the age of 16, I think.

Keith: I did not rape her

DBM: I am not saying you did. Being prosecuted for unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor has nothing to do with rape. If she was under 16 years, the night you first met at the club, then the situation you currently find yourself in could be termed a felony, as well as misdemeanor child molest.

Keith: I have all of our chat history on WhatsApp. She couldn’t have been less than 16 years, ten months ago

DBM: Okay! Have you spoken to the young lady?

Keith: Yes. She used her friend’s phone to call me. She warned me about her father’s decision to get me arrested. Her father has her phone

DBM: What information is her dad working with to track you down?

Keith: He has my phone number and full name.

DBM: How did he get to know your name?

Keith: I think he used the mobile money transaction process. He sent me 1 Cedi

DBM: Did you ask of her actual age when she called?

Keith: Yes. She was 17 in February

DBM: 2023?

Keith: Yes, this year. Do you think she can be forced to lie about me?

DBM: Lie about what?

Keith: Maybe, rape or something

DBM: Did you rape her?

Keith: No!

DBM: If she does not want to falsely testify against you, then she cannot be forced to. These situations are rarely investigated by the police, unless someone reports it to them.

Keith: Her father might

DBM: So, get your story straight. What’s going through your mind right now?

Keith: Hmmm! I can’t even focus at work

DBM: What are you going to do about the pregnancy?

Keith: I am not ready for it

DBM: Do you have any idea what her parents might be going through right now? The flood of emotions, from shock to being disappointed in her; to grief and worry about her future

Keith: Yeah

DBM: How is the girl managing through all this?

Keith: I don’t know

DBM: What do you really know?

Keith: She said she will contact me when tempers calm at home. Do you think I am going to be pressured into an unwanted marriage?

DBM: Did it not ever occur to you that you were placing yourself, and that of the girl at risk of an STI, HIV or an unwanted pregnancy – while engaging in unprotected sex?

Keith: I thought she was taking emergency contraception like the others

DBM: Which others?

Keith: 😜

DBM: I see

Keith: Dave, can we meet over lunch somewhere to talk? I need someone to talk to

DBM: I would love to, but I am currently not available for a face-to-face. Sorry. Please keep me updated whatever happens

Keith: Will do. Thanks

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Marcus Silva

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

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