Author: David B

© David Bondze-Mbir. All rights reserved.

Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gyan: I never knew who my father was. I never met him. I wish I knew what he looked like. My mother had no proof of his existence, not even pictures. The name representing my father on my birth certificate is my mother’s closest friend. My mom died of cancer last year. She was a nurse.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m sorry to hear that. How old was mum?

Gyan: In her 50’s. She had me when she was 17

DBM: Oh! That young?

Gyan: She was raped by my father.

DBM: I see

Gyan: Before my mom passed she told me the full story behind my birth. It was my first time hearing the story. I resent my mother for keeping this information from me. Also, the fact that I am a by-product of rape hurts me.

DBM: You are a by-product of GOD’s ultimate design. Your DNA, all else there is to you: strengths, weaknesses, capabilities etc. all play a huge part in His plan for you. You are not who you are today by accident. You have always been in GOD’s care, even before your conception.

Gyan: I don’t believe in these motivational quotes anymore, sorry.

DBM: That’s also understandable. What was the story your mother told you?

Gyan: When she was 16, she had to study for an exam. One of the science teachers at her school was National Service personnel. He lived in the same compound house she and her mother lived. He had been posted there for a year. Mom said she wasn’t feeling well one afternoon and had to skip school. She had finished eating, gone to take a cold bath and fallen asleep in her room. She woke up a few hours later to him having sex with her. She said she begged him to stop but he had her hands pinned above her head. She couldn’t tell anyone because she felt no one would believe her. Also, the guy was calm, and liked by many in the compound and neighborhood. Very charismatic. My mother says the incident happened just once and was pregnant after a month. She didn’t know she was pregnant.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate.

Gyan: But Dave, would you classify this as rape? Because my mother also said they were very close friends, aside him being her teacher.

DBM: How close?

Gyan: Flirtatiously close. She said they had kissed before and even attempted to have sex but didn’t.

DBM: Per the account you just gave, he raped her. She did not consent to sex when she woke up and found him on top of her, did she?

Gyan: No.

DBM: Why don’t you see it as rape?

Gyan: Because I do it sometimes to my wife when she’s intentionally denying me sex. She knows I love sex and would punish me occasionally by denying me when we have a misunderstanding. I get up at dawn and have my way with her by force. She gets cold mad and insults me but we end up having consensual sex after a few days, and things would be back to normal.

DBM: Does your wife ask you to stop when you’re forcing yourself on her?

Gyan: Yes, she tries to push me away but she knows I get a bit carried away when she treats me like that.

DBM: You’re repeating your father’s exact insolence. You value your power over your wife more than her comfort and autonomy. Your father did not respect your mother for doing what he did to her. You do not respect your wife enough as a person.

Gyan: I love my wife

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Gyan: I do.

DBM: I see. What you sometimes do to your wife is slowly shattering her confidence. Is she a happy woman?

Gyan: I do the best I can to make her happy.

DBM: You need to ask her if she’s happily married to you. A lot of women are living a quiet life of suffering, enduring so much in their marriages till they can’t wait to break free. And they always break free at last.

Gyan: Ok.

DBM: What inspired your mother to become a nurse?

Gyan: Well, her primary goal wasn’t to provide care for patients in their most vulnerable state. A sense of drive was to someday be working in the same hospital my father would seek treatment for an illness, so she could attend to him and pay him back, which she finally did.

DBM: What do you mean by that?

Gyan: My mother kept transferring to different hospitals or clinics, and I had to do a lot of moving around with her. At first, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit still but before she died, she told me we were moving around to different locations because she had been tracking my father for more than 30 years. Everywhere we moved to meant my father lived in that city or region. He fell sick and was unfortunately admitted to the hospital my mom was placed. She found out he was on admission and sneaked her way in his ward to give him the wrong injection. He mysteriously was pronounced dead one dawn.

DBM: Your mother went too far. This is not right!

Gyan: That is the baggage of information she had to confess to before passing on.

DBM: I can only imagine the weight of it on you.

Gyan: Do you still believe God created me into all this mess for a reason?

DBM: GOD knew about you then. GOD certainly still knows about you now. And you know the best part?

Gyan: What?

DBM: GOD will know all there is to you in the future. I only hope you wouldn’t allow your emotions to be constantly dictating your actions. Real men do not excuse their bad behavior because their emotions got a little triggered. If you continue to justify how you choose to sometimes treat your wife unfairly, she will lose trust in you. And when a woman decides not to trust you again, she will seek her own liberation from your control. She would want to regain her life, her dignity, and her power, so she can pursue what is really deserving of her.

Gyan: This was a good chat. Let’s do it again another time.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

‘Babe, can you focus on the road?’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi David. I don’t feel like chatting right now. I just want to brief you on something that happened recently. There used to be a guy working in my husband’s office. He became more like a family friend to us. He died in June, 2025 and we attended his funeral a few weeks ago. I love to drive and go fast but I couldn’t bring myself to drive to his funeral. My husband planned to leave early because his name was on the program to read a tribute on behalf of their team at work. Long story made short, he came home to pick me up. In the backseat was his personal assistant. Another amiable, smart young lady who had also become a family friend to us. She’s the one he uses often to surprise me with gifts and dinner dates on our wedding anniversaries or my birthday. I’ve used her services many times to plan birthday surprise parties for my husband at work and home.

On our way to Kumasi, we were discussing every subject on the table, politics, life, death, etc. My husband is the type that even if he’s exhausted behind the steering wheel, he would force himself not to fall asleep. He started to sleep and wasn’t focused on the road. He made a swift miss to change a lane and his personal assistant at the back shouted, ‘BABE, can you focus on the road?’ Dave, the first name I screamed when that happened was ‘Jesus’, hers was ‘babe’. Suddenly, my husband who was supposed to be heavy-eyed was wide awake and nonchalantly, staring at his assistant through the rearview mirror. In the 11 years that I have known my husband, I have never seen him on silent mode. We all sat in awkward silence till we got to Kumasi and back.

I have still not brought the subject up for discussion at home. It’s been five weeks now.

Image Credit: Shukhrat Umarov

The Enemy Within

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Bortele: My husband is telling people I am philandering and making out with any man that shows me attention. We’ve been separated and in the process of divorce. I don’t understand why he’s making me look dirty in the eyes of some of our friends.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Are you sleeping around?

Bortele: No, Dave. I haven’t slept with any other man after we got married. I haven’t slept with any of the male admirers expressing interest in me yet. I want to get to know them first. And I’ve been chatting with a few so far. I will change the dynamics to sex the day my divorce is confirmed.

DBM: When did you start granting these men an audience?

Bortele: A few days after my husband and I agreed our marriage was over and went our separate ways.

DBM: You mind me asking why you two are ending the marriage?

Bortele: I don’t mind. He crossed a boundary with me. I caught him in an affair and he became abusive towards me.

DBM: What kind of abuse?

Bortele: Emotional and verbal abuse. He abused me psychologically too. It had to end because he was making me doubt myself as a mother and human being worth someone’s love.

DBM: Why is he concerned about what you choose to do with your life now that you’re no more an item?

Bortele: That is the controlling aspect of his abuse. He’s really trying my patience

DBM: Or he’s just bored and trying to add some level of excitement to his life?

Bortele: By besmirching my reputation?

DBM: You have proof he’s behind this?

Bortele: The wives of the people he’s lying to are the ones calling to inform me. Their husbands are discussing his accusations with them.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Bortele: No. I want to deal with him through the court system.

DBM: Do you have it in you to rise above his actions?

Bortele: I’ve been trying to, but lately it seems to be eating at me.

DBM: It’s the misplaced superiority syndrome feeling. Men who do that ride on the notion that they’re better than you. I know and have experienced quite a few of such. They lie and exaggerate the most – and would find delight in seeing you break. That is the kind of negativity they add to the world around them. That’s their unconscious legacy they’re most proud of. Do you care about what he thinks of you?

Bortele: No.

DBM: Good!

Bortele: You think I should ignore him?

DBM: Engaging with him only fuels his zeal to tell more lies and talk shit about you. It doesn’t make him stop anyways. People will do whatever they want to do. Your attention is your life. Question is, who do you choose to give an ounce of it to?

Bortele: I agree with you

DBM: There is a reason why you’re divorcing him. He is not a decent man. He pretends to be to his friends but the him inside of him is the man you’re done with.

Bortele: I am so done with him, Dave.

DBM: Good for you. You’re deserving of a structured man who will make you feel safe without you having to explain why.

Bortele: Do I need to tell my side of the story to the people he’s spreading rumors about me to?

DBM: If that’s what is going to make you feel heard and understood. I, on the other hand do things differently; I do not have time to waste on such foolishness. I’d rather people make their own minds about me. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Do you feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone?

Bortele: I don’t know. He’s making certain people avoid me

DBM: Truth is, some of the people around you are patiently waiting for you to make a huge mistake, so they can rain their prepared judgements on you. Give them a show while in waiting. Give them a front roll seat to what excites you. Winning their love and approval isn’t worth the while. Your peace of mind is worth the price. Nothing anyone says about you should ever affect the joy in you.

Bortele: I wish you could see me smiling

DBM: Smiling looks good on you. You’re alive each day for a reason. And, as a Christian, I believe GOD has reserved a table before an audience that has all of their biased attention on you. Give them a show that is yours and no one else’s.

Bortele: By the way, my husband dislikes you and your Facebook presence.

DBM: Even better; GOD is using the very one he so much dislikes to inspire the one he loves.

Bortele: He’s probably frowning by now reading this. Not just frowning, fuming and also insulting you in his head.

DBM: GOD has a sense of humor. No one should ever make you feel limited in any way, what-so-ever and in all situations. Do you understand?

Bortele: Yes, David. I understand perfectly. Thank you so much. I feel relieved.

DBM: Have fun.

Bortele: I am going to.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Heart Of My Heart

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tobe: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Tobe: I’m fine boss. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Tobe: My story is not so great but it’s something.

DBM: Something’ is good enough.

Tobe: Okay. I was in my late 30s, and a bit fed up with my first marriage. Our marriage was a mess and 95% of it was my fault. I am in my second marriage. She is the same woman I was cheating on my ex-wife with. My ex-wife has also moved on and has been married for 8 years. I admit that whatever broke my first marriage was because I let my guard down for more than just a moment. I did not make any serious effort to address what went amiss. Instead of changing my ways to assure my ex-wife that she could trust me again, I had opened the door to rather rebuild something better with my current wife. A decision I partially regret because my ex was one person who loved me through my poorer. I feel bad for disappointing her in my richer. She should have been the one enjoying the fruits of her sweat. I destroyed her self-esteem, which I regret.

DBM: You had kids?

Tobe: Yes. We have a daughter together.

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Though I love and admire my now wife, I feel like I made a big mistake letting a good woman go. It was not a good choice. I was also not ready for marriage. I made her sound crazy by denying all of her suspicions of me and my now wife. It was so bad she did not know who I was or meant to her anymore. I got up with other emotions and was deceived by my flesh’s lust for different things.

DBM: Did you own up to it?

Tobe: I tried.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Tobe: I have, in court. I don’t have access to her on phone so I had to use our divorce proceedings in court to ask for her forgiveness in person.

DBM: You did the right thing.

Tobe: I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I had a good wife, David Bondze-Mbir. All I do sometimes is to reminisce on the good times we once shared, the beautiful experiences she gave me; all the things we could have done, the dreams and future I promised her, but never did.

DBM: It’s good you know what you did to her and hopefully, the lessons learnt thus far. Now you have a new wife and marriage to apply it.

Tobe: That is right

DBM: You will be fine

Tobe: I will be fine

DBM: Indeed! Sometimes, GOD uses these experiences and mistakes we consciously or unconsciously make, to drive home the point we fail to realize when the people we were supposed to have loved right are no longer around.

Tobe: It really sucks. She is my one true love

DBM: I know! How is your relationship with your daughter?

Tobe: We’re close. She’s my everything.

DBM: Does she understand why you and her mother are no longer together?

Tobe: Yes

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Tobe: Can you say something to encourage me?

DBM: What do you want me to say to you?

Tobe: Anything from your experience in marriage

DBM: You have to keep going because you have a new family now. Your partner deserves a good relationship with you. Put your energies into being a good man, a great husband and an awesome father. The most you can do is to be the very best of you. Whatever you now wish you could have been to your ex, become to your partner in your marriage. Love your wife. Do not fix her. Do not control her sense of self and being. Do not manipulate your way through her vulnerability and respect for you. Accept her and love her. Who knows, this could be the best one you’ve ever had.

Tobe: Thank you for your time.

Image Credit: Dapo Abideen

Wildwood Flower

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sharod: David, I have to commend you. Your Facebook is lit. Honest to God; I used to not believe anything on your platform. Some of the stories were too good to be true until my own brother from the same mother and father shared his marital issues with you and made us read some of the comments under his story.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well, I don’t really care whether or not you believe it. I am more interested in the lessons to be learnt from each story.

Sharod: Take a chill pill Bruh, it’s a compliment.

DBM: I know. Thanks!

Sharod: I have a positive story to share. 21 years ago, I rented a house that my now wife, had just moved out of. It was a very simple house. It had 2 decent sized bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a living room, a dining area, and a kitchen that was connected to the dining. It was very spacious and neat. The layout was spot-on. It did not feel cramped like where I had moved from. The bones of the house were solid; it had strong floors, walls and roof. It was relaxing and comfortable, as I was making myself at home three weeks after moving in. Then one evening, I heard an unexpected knock on my door. It was raining heavily that night. I opened the door and there stood this guy with a look of confusion written all over his face. He was looking for the former tenant. I told him I had moved in not long ago. Two days later, another man came knocking on the door. Four days later, a different guy came knocking looking for the same lady. I called the landlord to inform her. That was when she shared the hot gossip. The former tenant had wild orgies at the house and those guys were probably some of her participants or customers. In fact, that was the first best thing I had heard since moving to the area.

DBM: Lol! You’re funny!

Sharod: True. I was a hardworking, single young man in my early 30’s who needed a break to relax, have fun and let my hair down to enjoy some of the pleasures of life. Being part of an orgy had been a secret dream of mine.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Sharod: That’s the story I’m telling. I went out partying one weekend and I bumped into a lady. We were talking and getting to know each other. She asked where I stayed and I told her my new address. She laughed and asked me to give her a second. She ran back to the party and returned holding hands with my wife. She introduced us and then told me she used to live in my house. Come and see me smiling. I had finally found the legend. Her friend, before leaving us alone to chat, whispered to me, ‘You’re the type she usually goes for’.

DBM: Was she your type?

Sharod: I don’t usually have a type. I prefer giving people a shot, and before I know it, I’m having all the fun and I’m hooked. That’s how I know who complements me. If you don’t try giving people a chance with you, you may never know what works for you.

DBM: I concur!

Sharod: I told her about her male visitors at my door and we both laughed at the joke. I didn’t know what to expect but I was interested in knowing more about her life. That is one of the awesome things about getting to know all manner of people. You learn something new. Her days of partying, drinking and doing orgies were over. Damn. Not when it was supposed to be my turn. Lol

DBM: You’re silly! Lol! Why was she into that lifestyle, did you know?

Sharod: I asked her that question. She used to date a guy who was addicted to porn and always joked about how tempting it would be for them to have sex with another couple. She said her ex used to fantasize about sex with multiple partners. It wasn’t something she was interested in but because she loved the guy, she gave it a try. Her first experience turned out to be different from the way she had pictured it in her head.

DBM: Good different or bad?

Sharod: She didn’t like it but she kept doing it with him for a while to please him. She stopped when their relationship finally ended.

DBM: That was when she moved out of the house?

Sharod: I think.

DBM: Okay!

Sharod: We became friends and through our friendship, realized how much we liked each other. Nothing was more stimulating than when I realized her care for me could make me still surprise myself. I didn’t know I could love a woman so deeply. She reaffirmed the right kind of love and fondness that left a good taste in my mouth and later, heart. I wanted our relationship to work so I became too loyal. When I realized I was falling in love with her, I knew I didn’t have to have everything I thought I had to have in order to be happy in life. Appreciating one good woman and making sure she’s everything important to you is all it takes to be happy with your wife.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Sharod: Happily married for almost 20 years.

DBM: What do you like the most about the way your life is right now?

Sharod: I’m at peace with myself. I have peace in my heart.

DBM: What was your first impression of your wife, and what do you think about her now?

Sharod: She was different. That was my first impression of her. We could laugh together over stories from her past. We could listen to the reasons why we did what we did. My thoughts about her now are almost the same as my first impressions. I made the best decision for myself. She belongs in my heart. When she agreed the first day her friend introduced her to me at the party, to go back home with me to where she started life as an independent woman, and upon arrival, didn’t have to relive her wild memories with me, but rather made me understand a phase she once belonged in that home, I knew I could hold history in that house with her.

DBM: Before you met your wife, what were your views on marriage?

Sharod: I don’t know. My parents were married and I thought I would too. I knew exactly what I wanted and expected out of a love relationship, and I was not afraid to keep pushing until I found it in someone.

DBM: Was there anything about your wife that you wanted to change after you had gotten married?

Sharod: No. I loved her just the way she was. Marriage brought us closer and we still share the warmth, respect, excitement and our little acts of love. I’ve not stopped loving my wife. I’ve not stopped choosing my wife. I’ve not stopped celebrating my wife. I’ve not stopped belonging to my wife. I have not tricked her into thinking I am someone I am not. I’m still showing her my best side because I’m trying everyday to secure my marriage and relationship with her. I’m very intentional when it comes to our relationship, because in my mind, there’s still something to ‘woo’. I’m a big-time flirt when it comes to my wife. You will always see me amping my sultry side to just hookup with her.

DBM: How has your sex lives changed, and how do you communicate if you’re unsatisfied?

Sharod: I desire sex but it’s not an urgent need. Marriages of my friends ended because they saw sex as a need. It was a must have, else… It becomes a justification, intentionally or unintentionally to do things outside the marriage. My wife knows that sex draws us closer and she’s capable of putting my desires ahead of her own. When she’s not in the mood, I am capable of understanding her and suppressing my desires for the right time. I have a question.

DBM: Ask away

Sharod: How do you get through a difficult conflict in your marriage?

DBM: Lol! My partner and I hug. One of us, one way or the other would initiate a hug an hour or two after the disagreement. We don’t talk. We just stay in the warmth and comfort of the embrace. Every pride is put aside for the hug. It’s something we look forward to after a fight. We find strength in our tears – if any of us had to cry it all out. It has always been our unspoken promise of being there for one another. We’ve never insulted each other before. I have been mean every now and then but it wasn’t intended to hurt anyone. It’s not always a practical gesture and I don’t know if it’s going to work for everyone else, but we’ve been intentional on working out our differences with a hug. We’re seven years down the line and still married and expressing affection and reassurance.

Sharod: That’s a mature move there. How old are you?

DBM: 40

Sharod: And your significant other?

DBM: Also 40

Sharod: Nice one. It was nice talking to you David Bondze-Mbir.

Image Credit: Kampus

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

You Oughta Know

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.

Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?

DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.

Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?

DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?

Heather: Who, me?

DBM: Yes, you!

Heather: Never

DBM: Why not?

Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.

DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.

Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest

DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?

Heather: Yes

DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.

Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.

DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.

Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.

DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.

Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me

DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it

Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet

DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?

Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.

DBM: Good luck with that one!

Heather: Why do you say that?

DBM: Trust me, you will need it!

Heather: But why?

DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.

Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different

Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.

Heather: How about sex?

DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.

Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.

DBM: You don’t miss being single?

Heather: No

DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Heather: Always

DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.

Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?

DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.

Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?

DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.

Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?

DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?

Heather: No

DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?

Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.

DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?

Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.

Image Credit: Ovid Burke    

Struttin’ With Some Barbecue

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oumar: Hello David. I want to share how I met my wife. I was working in Johannesburg in 2014. It was a holiday and I had made plans with some of my work colleagues to go out to a strip club. We arrived at the club after 11:30pm and the show had already begun. All kinds of pretty girls were there but the one who caught my attention first, was my wife. She was in her thin lingerie on the stage performing on the pole. I could not take my eyes off her. She was the focal point on stage. The lights had been dimmed, and was dancing for a room full of almost 300 horny men, all looking at her. She twerked and made her sexy moves to entertain all the guys cheering her on, and then after the stage performance, walked down to every guy in the room’s table to collect her tips. I watched eagerly as those pleased with her dance moves tucked money in her almost-nothing undergarment.

She got to my table and I rewarded her handsomely, and she noticed my tip. The amount was huge; even I knew I had gone too far with it but I wanted her to have it. She had earned it. She asked if I needed anything in particular, and I said no. She left my table and went round to collect from the other guys before coming back to me, again. She handed me a note requesting for my presence in her private chamber. I gladly followed. She asked me to sit while she lap-danced on me. The craziest sh*t I had ever experienced. Though it was purely professional, it was hot as f*ck. I enjoyed my drink while she made her nasty moves on me. When she was done and tired, she sat on my lap to catch a breath. I held on to her so tight. I could feel her smile. She turned to stare back at me with a smile. It was after she had thanked me for my generous tip that I realized I was interested in knowing her.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): She being a stripper wasn’t a bother to you?

Oumar: You have asked a very important question. I used to live by a specific set of values, and because of that, I wasn’t so very accepting of others that easily. But after I had asked why she stripped and she gave me her reasons, I was willing to acknowledge her reality as her truth and did not make any attempt to push my expectations on her to change her profession. She needed money to pay for her tuition and feeding at school. She was a student at The University of the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg.

DBM: Interesting! Why did you want to get to know her?

Oumar: She was an attractive lady. I think attraction sparked at first sight. And it sneaked up on me when we had our one-on-one encounter in her private chamber. It was stealthy and unexpected. I also took notice of how intelligent and sensitive she was in person. She had a good sense of humor and was an ambitious girl. She carried herself so well and was super confident. I was drawn to all. We became friends for eight months before our first kiss and hook-up. I liked her from the start but my feelings of love for her were like a sleeping cat. It took eight months of knowing, liking, accepting and respecting her before it awakened.

DBM: That’s good to know.

Oumar: Yes. I kind of knew I liked her from the onset but I didn’t want to encourage myself to believe that. The interest grew when I realized she wasn’t playing the ‘hard-to-get’ games with me. Though she did not sell herself cheap, she made sure she didn’t make her presence and feelings for me so hard to win me over. One of the reasons why I didn’t give up on her. I married her two months after our first kiss. We’re still growing strong as a couple, two kids later.

DBM: Congratulations! I love stories like these. What would you say is making your marriage stand out and not blend in?

Oumar: I made a decision to fall in love with her as many times as I could, each day of our lives together. It’s the same woman every day, but I still enjoy it. I am loyal to my wife; I am committed to my wife. I trust my wife and she trusts me. I am emotionally exclusive with only her. Physically, my fidelity is to only her, so Dave, you don’t have to ask whether I have cheated on her before. I am very faithful to my wife. Mentally, I am dedicated to only her needs. I take my marriage to my wife very seriously and have not forgotten that, our relationship prior to marriage required daily effort. I have not become lazy after our ‘I do’s’. Also, I did not come into our marriage with any unreasonable expectations concerning sex or intimacy. We instead, build each other up. Anytime we’re out together, we are always holding hands; we are always cuddling at bedtime. Do not get me wrong, we both have our shortcomings and we are not blind to our faults. However, we choose to rather celebrate our strengths and support each other in areas we are weak.

DBM: What is your wife’s current profession?

Oumar: She’s the Chief Finance Officer at the company she works for. She’s making close to R4.5 million per year.

Image Credit: Haybee The Photographer

Sentimental Journey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mofoluwakemi: My husband’s first wife reached out to me one day to ask if I still loved her husband. Let me put it in context; my husband is my first love. The only man I have ever loved. We broke things off in 2008 because I left for Canada to study and fell in love with Vancouver. We had by then dated for two years. I sent him a long email explaining why I he should consider joining me abroad. I told him about the thriving job market, predominantly in industries like technology, which was his field of expertise. And the fact that it also offered a perfect balance of work and personal life. He wanted to remain in Ibadan. I had just started a new job and, after seven months, I got an email from him suggesting we ended things. It was tough but we did end the relationship. Fast forward to nine months later, he got married to his first wife. Two years into their marriage, his wife sent me an email asking if I still loved her husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Were you still talking to him after the breakup?

Mofoluwakemi: No Mr. David, communication in all forms ceased.

DBM: I see. How did she get your email address?

Mofoluwakemi: She said there was an internet Café’ near their house that she and her husband used to frequent. They had both gone there that day and there were a lot of people. So, when her husband was done using the computer, he asked her to come and use his station. He had forgotten to log out of his email when she was about to check hers.

DBM: Interesting.

Mofoluwakemi: Yes. That’s not even all. She said prior to her chancing on our email exchanges, she had woken up at dawn to her husband sleep talking or crying out my name and professing how much he still was in love with me. She said their physical intimacy was great, but she realized as much as he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to being vulnerable or even sharing intimate details of his life with her. And it bothered her for the most time.

DBM: She knew of your name then?

Mofoluwakemi: She did. And had been curious to find all the information there was to me. They had been married for two and a half years with a 12 months old daughter, who was named after me.

DBM: Eish! That’s to the extreme

Mofoluwakemi: It actually came as shock to her too, realizing her daughter’s first name was actually in remembrance of me.

DBM: What was your relationship status during this moment?

Mofoluwakemi: I was single and working hard. I needed the money and experience my job was offering.

DBM: Understandable.

Mofoluwakemi: She said she wrote down my email address after reading every conversation me and her husband used to have on yahoo.com. The first time she sent me a message, she introduced herself and told me how much she loved her husband but also wanted him to find true love. She said she felt something was missing in his life that she couldn’t be the one to fill wholeheartedly. She brought up the idea of me sending him an email to check on him, if I still had feelings for him.

DBM: You had gotten over him, no?

Mofoluwakemi: Dave, what I shared with that man was real. I couldn’t have gotten over him just like that. I still loved him, though we hadn’t spoken in years. I actually tried to date guys in Vancouver to take my mind off him, but I couldn’t because I was so much in love with him. Anytime I would allow another man to get close, I will feel this urge of suddenly being trapped and would frequently be tensed or just find myself crying the arms of these men, while thinking of my husband.

DBM: Hmmm! How did the marriage arrangement come about?

Mofoluwakemi: His wife gave her blessing of approval if I still was interested in her husband. She was willing to share him with me.

DBM: What’s your religion?

Mofoluwakemi: I’m a Christian.

DBM: What’s his wife religion?

Mofoluwakemi: She’s a Muslim.

DBM: That makes a lot more sense. What’s your husband’s religion?

Mofoluwakemi: He’s a Christian.

DBM: Interesting. He did not convert to Islam before marrying his wife?

Mofoluwakemi: He wasn’t forced to. Apparently, the woman comes from a very level-headed Muslim background and family.

DBM: I see. So, you eventually reached out to him?

Mofoluwakemi: No, I did not.

DBM: Why not?

Mofoluwakemi: I wasn’t sure it the right thing to do, going after someone else’s husband like that.

DBM: How did you end up becoming a wife?

Mofoluwakemi: She knew her husband’s yahoo.com password. She sent me an email pretending to be him, expressing how much he’s been thinking about me and wanted to know if I was also going through the same phase. I replied to his message and he found out someone had used his email address to contact me. But Dave, who doesn’t love a good theatrical declaration of undying affection? That’s how we started to talk again. His wife later confessed to the act. He said he went straight to the house to tell his wife of what had happened in his email at the café. His wife told me that was the first time in their marriage that her husband could trust her with that part of him he could have easily hidden from her.

DBM: He cared for her too, I guess!

Mofoluwakemi: On a very deep level. We got married a year later. I moved back to Nigeria to join my husband.

DBM: You all live together?

Mofoluwakemi: No, he bought a 5-bedroom house for me as my wedding gift, and built a 5-bedroom house for his first wife as his appreciation present for her kind initiative. But his wife and I have become the best of friends and out children love each other.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Let The Little Girl Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oluchi: Hi

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hiya!

Oluchi: How do we do this?

DBM: Just write what’s on your mind

Oluchi: I was 18 years old when I got married to the man my parents, specifically, my mother picked as my prospective groom. I didn’t have much to say in their arrangement. It was my 18th birthday and I woke up that morning to my engagement ceremony. We’ve been married for 17 years and I have nothing in common with my husband other than our two kids. Our relationship hasn’t grown; we don’t talk, because there’s nothing to talk about. I know what love is but I don’t know how to give him my love. I couldn’t have time to hatch a plan to run away from home when I realized I was being married off to a stranger. My husband sedated and raped me under the guise of marital obligation. It was my first sexual encounter. I have woken up many times in the course of our marriage to find him having sex with me without my consent. I’ve been drugged, raped and abused for 17 years in a marriage I did not consent to. And I have had enough.

DBM: Marriage without your consent is invalid and non-binding, even if your parents are in agreement

Oluchi: I didn’t know any of that. I was only 18 and thought it was a surprise birthday party. I heard my parents saying yes to a lot of things before I was forced to accept the man as my husband. I didn’t know his family had come to knock on our door to inform my family of their son’s wish to marry me. I had never met the groom before. Only my parents knew of him. I was asked to wear a new kente dress my mother arranged to be made for me, along with gold jewelry to accent the attire. It was when an aunty came to my room and had in her hand tekua, for me to wear on my head, that I figured it wasn’t a surprise birthday party. By the time I was asked to join them downstairs, his family had presented clothes, jewelry, money and other items as my dowry. My brothers were also given money. Members of both of our families sat across from each other and I was told to say yes, three times. I was then presented to the man’s family. My husband gave my dad schnapps and the spokesperson said the marriage was sealed.

DBM: Did you find out why they gave your hand in marriage without informing you?

Oluchi: I know why

DBM: Why?

Oluchi: Because my mother caught me masturbating. She entered my room without knocking to grab her sewing kit box and found me squirting to lesbian porn. I was 16 years old. She also found similar porn magazines I had hidden in my room and ran to my father, crying to tell him. That was the first time my daddy looked at me with disgust and punched me in the face. I fell on the ground panting for air. They locked me in my room like a prisoner for two weeks. Since then, I have lived my life in fear.

DBM: I am terribly sorry. This is absolutely heartbreaking

Oluchi: Before my husband took me away, my mother told him to put the fear of God in me

DBM: Hmmm!

Oluchi: I left my husband’s house.

DBM: How long ago?

Oluchi: 3 months.

DBM: How about your children?

Oluchi: I left without them.

DBM: Do they know where you are?

Oluchi: No, but I have been visiting them in school. They know I am fine

DBM: How about your parents?

Oluchi: They’ve been dead to me since I was 18. I don’t care about them anymore.

DBM: Do you work?

Oluchi: Yes. I started a new job three months ago. I had to change jobs because my husband and parents knew where I worked previously. I was living a miserable life, Dave. I wasn’t happy. I was depressed. I was suicidal.

DBM: Are you going to be alright wherever you are now?

Oluchi: Yes.

DBM: Do you know why I’m not saying much to you?

Oluchi: No

DBM: Because you’re the only person that is sure to remain in your life and stand by you forever when everyone one else sees you as the problem. I am so glad you have cut ties with your parents and husband. Any person that holds you back from growing mentally with their actions or choice of words are not welcome. Stand your ground and never again allow any man or woman to stretch their wickedness any further. You will find a way to be happy.

Oluchi: I want to experience what it means to be happy

DBM: You will, and when you do, you will project it so loud – it will attract the right person to your heart.

Oluchi: I have a really good job that brings me stability.

DBM: Stability is attractive.

Oluchi: Hehehe

DBM: How old are your children?

Oluchi: 16 and 14. They saw and heard their father become abusive towards me in every way. The subtle physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional and verbal abuse broke me down to the extent that, they started to worry. My son was the one who begged me to leave their father. He told me he had never seen me happy since he was born. Though I visit them in school and secretly give them money to save, they have never told their father nor grandparents about my school visitations. They understand why mummy is not home with them, and they’re okay.

DBM: Is your husband the only man you’ve been with?

Oluchi: Yes. I don’t know of any other man or woman sexually.

DBM: What’s your short-term goal?

Oluchi: Get a divorce. Connect with my children and have them come around. Find a loving woman to be in a relationship with.

DBM: Okay! Your husband doesn’t deserve you. Whatever your parents’ reasons were to throw you to the wolves in the name of marriage, know that the abuse you suffered wasn’t your fault nor your responsibility. Only your husband is responsible for his behavior. Your parents are responsible for their neglect and abuse of you. Being a lesbian does not excuse their bad behavior. Nothing ever excuses any form of abuse or disrespect. No matter how ‘straight’ you pretend to become, your parent’s behavior and that of your husband’s is their choice.

Oluchi: Yes

DBM: You have life. You have your sanity. You have GOD. You have a good job. You have your children. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.

Oluchi: Dave, it got to a point in my marriage I was willing to force myself to fall in love with my children’s father, even though I have a strong attraction to women. It was so confusing to pretend because I am not sexually attracted to men. I have fantasied about women since I was 11 years old.

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see a woman you like?

Oluchi: Let me give a typical example. When I was in JSS 1, we had a class prefect who always added my name to the names of talkative on the board. Anytime she did that, I would look at her angrily, and in my teenage brain, picture myself as a handsome guy and be thinking about all the things I would do to her in the bedroom. She was my first crush, and I didn’t even like her.

DBM: Ha!

Oluchi: Anytime my husband is on top of me and sweating, I get very jealous that I may never know what it feels like to penetrate a woman. Because in my mind, I am also a man and would be fantasizing about having sex with a woman who wants me. If I had not left my marriage, I would have poisoned my husband to become the grieving widow trying to date women.

DBM: Have you come out to your children?

Oluchi: I have. It was nerve-wracking to be vulnerable before my kids.

DBM: Did they understand you?

Oluchi: My daughter understood. It was my son whose first reaction was anger. It’s taking him a bit of time to process why his mother would be attracted to women.

DBM: How long ago was this?

Oluchi: Three months ago, at their school. It’s recent.

DBM: People need their own timing to process such information. It’s not rejection.

Oluchi: I know

DBM: I am very proud of you. Well done!

Oluchi: How long do you think it’s going to take a boy child to talk to his mother about how he feels about her preference?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Every child is different. You basically disrupted his assumptions of you. That is not his idea of how a woman should love. His feelings may or not change with time but you did the right thing by being honest with them. They deserve to know and understand why their mother will never want to be with the opposite sex. Doing right by the people you love also means being honest with them. Just keep the door open for questions and communication. It nurtures an environment where progress is possible.

Oluchi: They know they can ask or talk to me about anything. When I visited them two weeks ago, he asked me if I ever loved his father. He also asked if I knew I was a lesbian before marrying their father. He asked if I ever cheated on their father with a woman. He wanted to know if my parents knew about my sexuality, and if I had ever had a relationship with a woman before marrying their father. I answered all his questions truthfully.

DBM: Good! It shows them that you’re indeed open and actively listening to what their concerns are, and that you have a vested interest in trying to understand their point of view. You’re teaching them an important life skill: Every human being deserves to feel seen, heard and respected. You’re not forcing them to accept you. You’re teaching them to be open-minded. Just give them space to take care of their own emotions while you also explore yours at your own pace.

Oluchi: I will keep you updated

Image Credit: ALLAN FRANCA CARMO

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