Author: David B

© David Bondze-Mbir. All rights reserved.

If Dogs Run Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Obed: One of my greatest nightmares just happened to me. My 10yr old son walked in on his mother and I having sex.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): The bedroom door wasn’t locked?

Obed: I thought I locked it.

DBM: Was the bedroom door locked?

Obed: No. I was slightly tipsy but I swear I closed it.

DBM: How much of everything did he see?

Obed: That’s the problem, we do not know how long he had been standing there.

DBM: How is your relationship like with him?

Obed: We’re close but he’s very close to his mother.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Obed: He looked confused and in shock. His mouth was wide open. And I think he had a hard-on

DBM: He was turned on? I don’t believe you. How is a kid turned on by his mother’s nakedness?

Obed: Believe me David. His junk was upstanding and hard.

DBM: Oh la-la!

Obed: I know, it’s bad

DBM: What was your reaction?

Obed: I yelled at him of course, and I was a bit furious.

DBM: But why? Yelling at him only makes the situation weirder for him. When was this?

Obed: Saturday

DBM: And at what time did this happen?

Obed: I’d say, around 12:30 am

DBM: So, he should have been asleep by then?

Obed: Yes and no.

DBM: Meaning?

Obed: The weekends are usually left for them play and sleep at any time.

DBM: So, at what time do they go to bed on Saturdays?

 

Obed: 12ish

DBM: They stay up late doing what?

Obed: Watching TV, cartoons, movies or playing video games

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Obed: 3

DBM: Was he the only one in sight watching the freak show?

Obed: Yes

DBM: Were the other kids asleep by then?

Obed: We didn’t check but he was the only one standing in the doorway. These questions feel like I’m in kindergarten.

DBM: So, there is a probability they might have also witnessed it but chose not to stay, no?

Obed: I don’t think they were awake.

DBM: Have you spoken to your son about Saturday’s incident?

Obed: Not yet. I don’t think I would.

DBM: Why not?

Obed: I don’t know where to start. Lol. Also, he’s a boy. He will grow up to understand what’s up for men.

DBM: Does your household have any sort of established boundaries that allow for say, privacy?

Obed: Yes. They know they’re supposed to knock on our bedroom door before entering.

DBM: You can start a conversation with him from there. You need to know why he overstepped that boundary.

Obed: My wife thinks we shouldn’t talk to him about it because he’s going to forget about it

DBM: Forget about what? Have you two not been 10-year-olds before? Do you honestly think he’s going to forget about what he knows he saw?

Obed: What should be the best approach?

DBM: Has he said anything about it since?

Obed: No

DBM: He’s not asked what you two were doing?

Obed: No. Lol

DBM: He’s not acting weird, withdrawn, quiet, etc.?

Obed: Something felt off yesterday when we were driving to church. They’re usually active and talking or disturbing us but all three were very well mannered and quiet in the car.

DBM: Those kids, saw every nasty thing you did to their mother.

Obed: You are not making this any easier on me, Dave

DBM: You need to sit all three down.

Obed: Lol

DBM: You keep laughing, what’s funny? They understand what sex is, no?

Obed: I think so

DBM: Have you broached that topic to them?

Obed: Not yet

DBM: Do you think they know what sex is?

Obed: Yes.

DBM: You need to explain to them your need for privacy. In fact, let’s role-play: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. That’s ridiculous

DBM: Were you having sex with mummy?

Obed: Lol. Dave, drop it. Let’s get serious

DBM: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Daddy

Obed: Yes

DBM: What were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Your mother and I were having sex

DBM: Eeeew!

Obed: Roland, why didn’t you knock on the door before opening it?

DBM: But daddy, your door wasn’t locked.

Obed: Dave, what am I supposed to say if indeed the bedroom door wasn’t locked?

DBM: You need to take responsibility if you forgot to locked the door.

Obed: Wow. This parenting thing is no joke.

DBM: You need to also apologize for yelling at him.

Obed: I will not do that. He should have known better

DBM: No, you should have known better.

Obed: Please don’t act shocked at what I am about to say next

DBM: Oo-oh! What did you do?

Obed: It wasn’t their mother I was having sex with

DBM: Huh?

Obed: We’re separated and in the process of filing for divorce

DBM: I don’t care about that. Who were you having sex with?

Obed: My girlfriend

DBM: And, he had to witness that?

Obed: Hmm

DBM: Do they know this lady?

Obed: No

DBM: Where are the kids now?

Obed: With their mother. They came to spend the weekend with me

DBM: And you couldn’t suspend a meet-up with your girlfriend to spend time with your children?

Obed: It wasn’t a planned thing

DBM: Your son is not psychologically prepared for such a responsibility to be carrying the weight of what you have subjected him to. Have you informed his mother about what happened?

Obed: No

DBM: When do you intend telling her?

Obed: Do I have to?

DBM: What is the one experience you wish you could give to your son?

Obed: I don’t understand your question.

DBM: How old are you?

Obed: 38

Image Credit: REAFON GATES

Fixing A Hole

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wendy: Dave, should I concern myself about the kinds of friends my husband keep?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know these friends of his personally?

Wendy: No, but something inside me doesn’t trust them to keep him safe.

DBM: Does he feel safe around them?

Wendy: I think so

DBM: Safety is a knowing. It’s a conviction. If he’s convinced in his spirit that hanging out with them feels right, then let him.

Wendy: But what if he doesn’t see what I’m seeing?

DBM: What do you see? Because whatever your intentions are should not rub off negatively on him.

Wendy: I don’t want his character to be corrupted. My husband is a good man, Dave. I fear he will change

DBM: If he’s a good man, let him be his good self even amongst bad company. Good character stands out and does not blend in. Trying to keep someone safe out of fear or insecurity sometimes feels like manipulation.

Wendy: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I just told you what I would have done.

Wendy: You just told me theoretically, what you would have done. Be practical with me

DBM: I would show him that I trust his decision-making and thought processes, and expect the best outcome. If he’s a good man as you claim, then that’s exactly what he would be and do: Good, by himself and by you. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Wendy: If you say so

DBM: Give him the space he needs

Wendy: To spend time with his friends. Ok.

DBM: Well, he’s supposed to have a life of his own outside of you and the children, no?

Wendy: I hear.

DBM: Is that all that is on your mind?

Wendy: No.

DBM: What’s left?

Wendy: How do I let him understand that I get tired handling household chores and the kids all by myself.

DBM: Whoever asked you to be doing everything around the house by yourself?

Wendy: Dave, I’m a wife. He expects these to be done by me but I am tired of cooking, cleaning, washing, attending to the kids etc. It’s too much stress. I work and come home to more work.

DBM: Then stop stressing yourself. Stop doing it all by yourself. There should be enough room for your husband to also step up and be responsible at home. Attend to what is important to you and leave the rest to him to figure out. Take care of your own self because no one else would.

Wendy: You make it sound so simple

DBM: You just told me your husband is a good man. A decent man knows when to step up to add to your happiness. In my home, I support my partner with household chores. Unless I’m overseas and not physically present at home; I help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, I wash dirty dishes as and when, and take out trash. Yes, somebody has to get it done but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your sole responsibility. Do not put house chores on your shoulder because you are a wife.  A man who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing comes through for you – because at the back of his mind, he knows and understands that, nothing makes him happier than seeing you happy. Question is, are you happy?

Wendy: No. I will come back with update.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Brand New Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Marcus: Hi Dave. I am in my second marriage. The first was to my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 9 years but later realized we weren’t a good match. My ex-wife was unhappy in the marriage. We forced to be together due to the fear of being alone, and on my part, the shame. But we knew we both felt stuck. It wasn’t a satisfying marriage. The friendship was tight, it’s still tight. We are better as good friends; we’ve come to now realize that.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Kids?

Marcus: O yes, we have two. But I have three in my second marriage.

DBM: How long have you been married in your second chapter?

Marcus: 15 years

DBM: What finally made you part ways with your childhood sweetheart?

Marcus: We started to dislike each other and I realized our actions were harming our children more than our fear of a divorce could. My wife was accepting how bad I was treating her. I was enduring her silence and avoidance. We talked to each other anyhow, most of the time, not in the presence of the children but they felt it. They felt the tension and hate between us in the house. It was detrimental. What made me take the bold decision to file was when I saw my 7-year-old daughter accepting insults and beatings from her 8-year-old brother. I was not physically abusing their mother but they had been witnesses to us accepting each other’s bad behavior, and I think that was what was making her accept the same from her brother. I didn’t want that for her future relationships with guys or in her marriage.

DBM: How are the kids doing today?

Marcus: Perfect. They’re excelling in school and living their best lives. They love how cordial their mother and I have suddenly become. They love the peace between their two different households. The fact that my relationship with their mother didn’t work out didn’t mean it had to also affect the family we once were. Divorce isn’t pretty. It cost me an arm and leg, but it was a necessary lesson and sacrifice, though painful, to teach my children. I did everything I could, including putting in the work to try and salvage what felt like a loveless marriage.

DBM: In as much as I would like to grow into old age together with my partner until we both pass, if it ever should get to that point where I know our marriage hasn’t got any more fights left, I’d leave.

Marcus: That was the point I got to, Dave. But I thank my ex-wife for our years together. It wasn’t always as bad. As I mentioned from the beginning, she will always be the love of my life. I’ve learnt what not to do to my wife and I am a very happy man today. My wife and I have our days of disagreements and fights but I make sure not to point fingers at, or place any blames on her. I don’t have to ‘win’ in an argument anymore. I read one of your conversations with the guys and you were telling him, in your marriage, your focus as a couple during arguments is on your connection and not the power one lords over the other. That’s one lesson I learned from my first marriage. I wasn’t doing that with my ex-wife, and that became a huge challenge for us. In this new phase of my lifelong commitment to my wife on this journey of uncertainty, I am learning to do way better than expected of me.

DBM: Good for you!

Marcus: I’m trying to remember why I reached out to you. Damn, I’ve forgotten the reason.

DBM: Lol! It’s all good.

Marcus: This is serious Charley. I can’t remember o.

DBM: That’s okay! You can always come back to continue with the chat.

Marcus: Damn…

DBM: It’s all good!

Marcus: Anyway, thank you for all that you’re using your Facebook to do for free. Some of us are learning.

DBM: It’s a learning platform for me too.

Marcus: Bro. this marriage thing isn’t child’s play but some of us are willing to stay true to our vows, “For better, for worse”. We don’t commit and become good husbands only for the good stuff. That wouldn’t be a genuine commitment. I agreed to go the long haul with my wife, and I am willing to reach the highest peak and climb the tallest mountain with her by my side. And the lowest valleys, we will descend together. So far, I’m proud to say our marriage and relationship has grown and become deep and beautiful. We have a wonderful friendship too. My wife and I do not have a lot in common but we get along just fine.

DBM: I’m happy for you. Is your ex-wife married?

Marcus: Yes. I’ve never seen her that happy. I wasn’t the one meant for her. I am so glad she did not waste her heart to stay in our stagnant marriage. It’s nice to sometimes brave the unfamiliar territories.

Image Credit: PNW Production

A Piece Of My Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I’ve been following the court case/sentencing/verdict reading of Latoshia Daniels, who killed her pastor Brodes Perry. The jury found her guilty and was charged with first degree murder. Facing the rest of your life in prison isn’t cute. It’s rather unfortunate but this is what really caught my attention; her reasons for doing what she did, “He broke my heart”. That was her excuse.

So, Latoshia had been married and divorced twice. The two ex-husbands were behaving typically like what most/some men do, entertaining other women on the side and lying about it. Now, it was taking her a bit of time to recover from the betrayal of her ex-husband, and so she decided to try a new route: church. She joined this new church and built a healthy community sort-of. To the extent that, she became one of the church’s small group leaders. Latoshia was a mental health professional. In that small group she led was the late pastor Brodes Perry. He was an Associate pastor at the church. Perry was married and also handled part of the youth ministry in the church.

He built friendship with Ms. Daniels because she seemed to be loved by most of the people in the church. Over time, Latoshia found trust in their friendship, and decided one day to share her life’s experience with Brodes. Including details about her past marriages. The second time they met in the office, Pastor Perry told her he had been trying his darndest best not to cross the lines with her but couldn’t, and so he kissed her and they ended up making out in the office for the first time. The act, Latoshia claims confused her.

That was the beginning of their relationship. Prior to them officially beginning with what Pastor Brodes termed an Ethical non-monogamy relationship, he had rules, that according to him, all the women in his life followed. An indirect contractual agreement. She was not supposed to approach him in public because he would probably be with another woman, or his wife. She was not supposed to have any clothes on anytime it was her turn to meet with him in a room. He would give stipends as and when he deemed fit and wasn’t supposed to expect it. I read a comment from another young lady who allegedly was also involved with Brodes, that the ladies were at liberty to gift him any and everything, but he wasn’t obliged to reciprocate. And because he was a married man, he wasn’t going to marry any of the women he was dealing with. The rules and conditions were many, but these are the ones I am choosing to highlight.

Latoshia, unfortunately, fell in love with this man and started to do a lot for him to notice her. She spent money and gifts on him. In as much as she knew she was doing the wrong thing dating a married man, she believed herself to be a good woman, smart, and decent. According to her account, the head pastor at the church knew about her relationship with Pastor Perry, and nothing was said/done about it; meaning… (You can fill in the blanks). Yhup! A boy child will only follow or do what he sees his father do.

Why did she kill pastor Brodes? According to her, his behavior and communication was undermining her well-being and happiness. He manipulated her, had no respect for her or her boundaries during intimacy, and would emotionally, physically or psychologically harm her – depending on his mood swings. He constantly dismissed her feelings and it was diminishing her self-esteem over time. He disregarded her needs and would only prioritize his own desires without regard for mutual respect or compromise. His control and dominance over her and the other women were deliberate and it broke something in her to push her into pulling the trigger.

It’s sad that she allowed the foolishness of a man to make her act foolish. Any relationship that is putting fire in your belly, or making your gut feeling uncomfortable is a sign to take a back seat, and learn everything you can about the person you’re dealing with. His behavior will someway, somehow escalate from toxicity to abuse; especially men who talk to, or about women anyhow. If he’s criticizing your opinions or choices the least chance he gets, it simply means a day is coming – he may eventually resort to some form of severe abuse, which, if you’re not careful, may tempt you to react in a manner you’re not ready for.

Do not subject yourself to any form of disrespect, all in the name of love. Love is supposed to be kind to you. Kind in words. Kind in actions. Kind in deeds.

A piece of my thought.

David Bondze-Mbir

Always Say Goodbye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Papa Yaw (PY): Hello David, how are you doing?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. Doing alright! You?

PY: I’m not bad. Quite overwhelmed. It’s been long

DBM: It’s been a while. Glad to know you’re fine.

PY: I feel like marriage isn’t for me. And I feel bad about it.

DBM: Argh! Not you too?

PY: Are you disappointed?

DBM: Well, I remember you telling me nice things about your wife in the past, no?

PY: Yes

DBM: So, what changed? Why aren’t you cut for it now?

PY: I don’t hold any resentment toward her, though I admit some of her actions have influenced my decision not to pursue marriage again. Ultimately, this is more about self-awareness. I have come to realize that I thrive better on my own than within the bounds of marriage. There are times I simply crave solitude, no distractions, no noise, just the peace to focus on my work to take care of the people in my life. My child, wife and siblings.

DBM: That is understandable. Is this not a conversation to be had and respected? Have you drawn her attention to your need for space?

PY: She doesn’t seem to grasp it, and she’s deeply focused on marriage, believing everything must revolve around it. I’ve tried to help her understand that my feelings have changed despite all our efforts to make things work. My desire now is simply to be alone, not because I am involved with someone else, I’m not. When I met her, I believed she needed guidance and support to grow and elevate herself, and I thought I could play a role in helping her achieve that. I genuinely felt we could have accomplished this without being married. I entered the relationship with compassion and a desire to uplift her and in hindsight, that was my misstep. I created an environment where she could feel secure and cared for, providing everything from our living arrangements to gadgets, money and conveniences that would make life easier. But over time, I realized she wasn’t ready to grow in the way I had hoped. Considering my aspirations and current path, it became clear she couldn’t keep pace. I’ve done everything within my power to support her.

DBM: Let’s go back to the beginning of this: you made a promise. You vowed before GOD and witnesses to have and to hold, from that day forward. For better, for worse. To love and to cherish. What did you mean by that?

PY: Okay David, so when I made that vow, I meant it sincerely in that moment. I believed in the commitment and the promises I was making. But over time, people grow and circumstances change. My intention was never to take that vow lightly or to break it carelessly. I entered the marriage hoping we could grow together, support each other, and elevate each other’s lives. (Though I wasn’t expecting her to do much for me). I gave it my all, creating an environment where she could feel secure and supported. However, I have realized that our paths, aspirations, and readiness to grow are no longer aligned. My commitment to my family and my responsibilities remains, but I have come to understand that my personal well-being and the kind of life I need now require me to be alone. This isn’t about abandoning my vows out of malice, instead, it’s about recognizing reality and being honest with myself and with her.

DBM: So, your vow was merely an ambition? Would it be fair for me to assume that?

PY: No David, it wasn’t merely an ambition. At the time, my vow was genuine and heartfelt. I truly intended to honor it. But life is not static, people grow, circumstances evolve, and sometimes the reality of a relationship reveals truths that were not apparent at the start. My commitment was real, but over time I have realized that our paths and aspirations are no longer aligned. Recognizing that doesn’t diminish the sincerity of my vow, it simply reflects the honest reality I now face. Or what do you think?

DBM: When I made the decision to settle down in marriage, it wasn’t to celebrate a love I thought I had found. I got married to declare a genuine love I had/still have for my partner. It was to promise a love I believed in. We make promises because as committed as we sometimes feel in our best and great days when in love, we may want to leave someday. And because marriage is a whole lot of work, if we are easily moved to abandon our promise when it does not serve our best interest anymore, we prove the vows made weren’t really coming from our best of intentions. It was not a promise to be kept, but rather another formal way to get what we wanted. Question is, what did you really want from your partner?

PY: David, the truth is I wasn’t expecting anything from her in return. My intention was to support her growth and help her elevate herself, to be happier and better than when I first met her. Along the way, I communicated clearly about boundaries and expectations, things like maintaining appropriate distance with family members, respecting personal space, and not sharing everything indiscriminately. Unfortunately, she consistently went against these guidelines, having conversations with one family member and then discussing them with another. While I value family, boundaries are essential, and I needed her to respect that. I also did everything I could to make life easier and provide opportunities for her. I bought appliances i would not buy on a normal day. From advanced washing and drying machine, automatic ironing and folding machines, a dishwasher, and even equipped a shop for her business. I brought in clients from my network, including politicians and classmates from my master’s and doctorate programs, because I genuinely wanted her to succeed. Despite my efforts, her actions repeatedly undermined the environment I tried to create. Over time, I realized that continuing in the marriage no longer made sense for me. It wasn’t a lack of effort or care; it was a recognition of reality and the misalignment between our paths.

DBM: If your wife never changed a thing about herself, would you be happy with her?

PY: I think Yes. I only hoped for growth, for effort, and for a willingness to evolve alongside me. A relationship requires both people to move forward together, without that, it’s difficult to build something meaningful or lasting. I don’t mean to be defensive of my plans. I am here because I want to listen to what you also think, and I don’t mind if it’s the harsh truth.

DBM: If you knew you could get the right help (marriage therapy), would that even matter to you?

PY: David, we have gone through this several times. Our issue has even gotten to one of the most popular men of God in the country. Someone I respect.

DBM: And, in your mode of communication with wifey, do you make the issue about what you want or it’s rather about what is wrong with her?

PY: Truthfully initially, I used to communicate the issue as what is wrong with her. It changed to what I want now. She will go above and beyond to keep the marriage though she’s not happy as well. It’s been a year and 5 months of no intimacy. This is how serious it is. In the early days, I made a mistake and had an affair due to a lack of excitement, but I ended it after a few months and have not been involved with anyone since now over two years and counting.

DBM: I was about to ask who is singing into and riding on the mic now.

PY:

DBM: How is your conflict resolution like at home? In our house, we want our relationship to always win, even in a heated argument or disagreement. It’s not about me winning. It’s not about my partner winning. But rather to come to a resolution where both feel satisfied with the final outcome after the ‘fight’.

PY: Truthfully, we haven’t come up with one. When there is tension, everyone does what they want. No abuse though. I just do my responsibilities.

DBM: I have heard everything you’ve said. And I appreciate you for putting in the effort the best way you know how. Are you willing to continue putting in the effort and intention to grow with your wife, or you feel it would be a waste of your time?

PY: David, I honestly don’t want it anymore. My problem is how to go about it.

DBM: Tell her you want out of the relationship. She knows you have given her and the marriage your best effort. You should feel good about bringing it to an end. Whatever purpose brought you into her life has been fulfilled. She needs to acknowledge that and make this process less stressful.

PY: I will do that David. I will try my best. And thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.

Image Credit: August de Richelieu

Divorce Song

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lydia: David, do you remember me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): ………., hey! How are you doing?

Lydia: Fine here. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Oh wow! I’m surprised to see you here.

Lydia: It’s difficult getting your attention. I’ve been messaging you since 2023.

DBM: I am just realizing that. So sorry. Sometimes, I’m unable to keep up with the inbox messages. It can be overwhelming.

Lydia: You seem to be doing very well

DBM: We are managing. We can only thank GOD. What have you been up to?

Lydia: A lot has happened to me. Are you going to make this chat public?

DBM: It depends on you. Would you want it shared?

Lydia: You mentioned my name in your first response. Can you delete that part so I remain anonymous? I don’t want some of our mates to put 2 and 2 together.

DBM: Sure, I will do that. What’s up?

Lydia: This marriage thingy isn’t favoring me

DBM: Why do you say that?

Lydia: I cannot recognize who I am anymore. Also, I feel like I don’t have a voice of my own.

DBM: At what point did you start realizing that?

Lydia: In the early years. Second year, I think.

DBM: You have kids?

Lydia: Yes. The marriage isn’t serving my best interest, Dave.

DBM: Well, marriage isn’t necessarily about you, you know!

Lydia: It takes two to make it work. I know that.

DBM: Yes, but I tend to look at marriage through a different kind of lens. It’s not entirely about you. It is about your partner. It is about what you bring to him. It’s not supposed to be about you and what you are to be getting from him. It’s the very same way your husband is supposed to be doing marriage with you; it’s not about him, but you. His focus should be on what he brings to you to make you feel at home and at peace with yourself and with him.

Lydia: I’ve given too much of myself to him and our marriage already, and I’m tired of being the glue keeping us together. He verbally abuses me. I am damaged emotionally, Dave.

DBM: That is domestic abuse. It’s not a good thing. What do you think is making him behave that way towards you?

Lydia: You know I was completely unaware that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage? It took him verbally abusing me to wake up to what I am being faced with. I don’t know why my husband hates me so much, Dave. I have done everything every supportive wife would do. He started making advances towards our house help. She drew my attention to his bad behaviour. Initially, I was doubting her and suspecting she probably was the one interested in him. She recorded a conversation my husband wanted to have with her while she was in the kitchen cooking. I questioned him about it after listening to her phone recording and he denied it. One day, I heard the help insulting him. I rushed to the kitchen and my husband was pretending to be drunk. He touched the lady’s breast and she slapped him. She also told me he wasn’t drunk. He had just had a sip from his glass of wine. He asked her to leave our house but I insisted she stayed.

DBM: Why did you want her to stay?

Lydia: She helps with the kids and keeps our home tidy. My husband and I have a busy work schedule. We cannot afford to lose her. My husband is in such a complete denial that he is unable to see how damaging his behaviour is to me. He insults me even in the presence of the help.

DBM: People only do publicly what they’ve already done privately.

Lydia: I think it’s come to that time for me to check out of this marriage

DBM: If you two are talking back at each at each other more often than not, then I feel it’s time to do some retrospection.

Lydia: I’ve already reflected, Dave. It’s time to go our separate ways. Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about what my life would be like if we lived apart. I do not respect him anymore.

DBM: If you no longer have respect for him, then I think the foundation to rebuild the marriage is lost, unfortunately. Not every man is a good fit to do marriage with.

Lydia: My husband is not a good fit. Things I would never have tolerated from any other man, he’s done to me and gotten away with it. He is a serial cheat and a liar. And he keeps pretending that everything he’s done to me never happened.

DBM: That’s their favorite to-go-to anthem: everything they said or did to break you never happened. It wasn’t them. To the best of their knowledge, it is all in your head. Thank GOD you know better and want out of it. There are children involved in this, so I might have to ask you for the last time: Are you certain that pulling this plug is the best thing for you to do?

Lydia: Yes, David. He is very controlling and has made very huge decisions with our finances and other things without ever talking to me about it. I had to find out from documents he had stashed from me. I’ve lost any romantic interest for him. He is very mean to me privately but in public, always putting on a lovely show. The lack of respect from both parties also makes me want to bring it to a close.

DBM: So, if you’re to look back, say, five years from now, there will be no regretting your decision to cut this line – because you know you at least, tried harder to make things work out between you two?

Lydia: There will be no regrets.

DBM: Where is your husband now?

Lydia: He moved out 9 weeks ago.

DBM: What do you believe is your contributing part to the failure of this marriage?

Lydia: I think our, so I claim my part of the maturity level to sustain a healthy marriage wasn’t up there. We sometimes couldn’t calmly talk to each other about pressing issues.

DBM: Was marriage therapy ever brought to the table?

Lydia: Yes, but he wasn’t willing to talk about our issues with another person. He doesn’t want people pin-pointing his mistakes and errors.

DBM: Do you feel, to the best of your recollection, you have honored your husband enough?

Lydia: David, even though he would occasionally talk down on me, belittle me and make me feel like I am the worst mother and wife, I showed him respect, love and grace.

DBM: I hope the two of you have come to the conclusion that the children come first until they are raised, regardless of whatever you two are fighting or going to argue about in court?

Lydia: Yes, I have. I don’t know about him. Dave, can we speak on phone? I don’t think I have your number.

Image Credit: Jayro Cerqueira da Silva

Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My mother passed on to me a gold necklace her mother gave to her. My grandmother had it custom made, designed and welded in Germany in the 1960’s. Dave, it is a 24 karat 100% gold chain. Its purity, weight and unique craftsmanship should give you an idea of its value. My mother only wore it twice or thrice in her lifetime. My grandmother wore it twice or thrice. I wore it only on my wedding day to honor the women in my life. They had passed it on to the next generation as a form of financial security in case life got worse. It’s always been in a safe storage at home till it suddenly got missing last year. No thief had broken into our home and we have two small children who can barely lift their shoes.

My husband is the only one who know where I keep it in our bedroom. I had searched everywhere in the house but could not find it. He swore he hadn’t seen it anywhere. In July 2025, their offices organized a dinner function and I was his +1. He was introducing me to some of his colleagues at the gathering. A young lady from their office walked towards us to introduce herself to me. She was wearing my grandmother’s necklace. It was the first thing that caught my attention. My husband hadn’t even noticed it yet. I asked her if I could touch it and feel the rubies and sapphires encrusted in it. Then I saw my husband panic. I turned it to confirm because my grand mother had her initials slightly engraved behind one of the emeralds. It was there. I asked her where she bought it and this was her reply, “My fiancé gave it to me a sign of his love for me. It was a gift from his grandmother to be given to the woman his heart beats for.”

A second look at my husband and you could see he wished the ground would open and swallow him whole. I have resented him over this since the function and he’s been apologizing and promising to get it back. Since I realized it had been stolen from my safe, I have become very suspicious of my husband. I started looking closely at all of our, especially, his financial records to be sure he didn’t owe people money. I am seriously considering divorce the moment he returns my jewelry. I am already in talks with my lawyer. I know it sounds a bit harsh but what this man has done to me is reprehensible.

Image Credit:  Karen Laårk Boshoff

Six-Year Hiatus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crai: Hello David. I was once in a relationship with this man I’m about to talk about. We were very much in love but he broke my heart. And because of the why behind his reasons for doing what he did to me, a big part of me unconsciously blocked anything that reminded me of him in my heart and mind. He ended our 3-year relationship because he felt he didn’t make enough money to enable him take care of us. Mind you, I had never asked him to spend on me. I was working and probably even making more money than he was but he left me for a rich widow who was 12 years older than him. He was not in love with the lady. He told me so himself. He ended things with me because the widow wanted to date him and needed him to be completely single. He asked me not to date anyone and give him 6 years to achieve his dreams through the widow’s support and then he will end things with her and come back for me. His six years with her ended in July 2025, and true to his word, he’s back asking for my hand in marriage. She funded his masters and PhD in Europe, used her connections to link him to land his current job and now he even has a 3-bedroom house of his own. His contract with the widow was for 6 years.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Crai: 42

DBM: How old is he?

Crai: 44

DBM: Did you wait during his six-year hiatus or you also dated other people?

Crai: I was the lady in waiting

DBM: Why?

Crai: He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved

DBM: Were you in communication with him after he broke things off?

Crai: He reached out to me twice every month to assure me he was going to keep his word.

DBM: Just that?

Crai: Yes. It did not go beyond that. He gave that assurance twice every month and would ask me to wait for six more years, five more years, four more years, three more years, two more years, one more year etc.

DBM: You believe he loved you?

Crai: I believe he is in love with me.

DBM: Were finances the only reason for his decision?

Crai: Yes. He used to always complain to me about feeling less of a man because he couldn’t bring in as much to support our relationship. I wasn’t even complaining, Dave.

DBM: Why him?

Crai: He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. What he did to our relationship was dishonorable but he’s an honorable man. I remember the night he ended our relationship; he held my two hands in his and he started to pray and bless me. I cannot describe that evening with the right words. I broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. I cried so hard he started to also cry. He couldn’t stop himself from crying. It was a powerful moment. That was when I knew he was really in love with me and felt bad about his decision.

DBM: He felt bad about his decision but went ahead with it anyway

Crai: Yes. I’m not going to pretend I understand why he did what he did to me but after that night of our break-up, prayer and tears, I developed a new found respect and admiration for him. He’s a powerful man.

DBM: What I want to know is, he did not cheat on the widow with you during the six years break?

Crai: He did not. He also told me he did not cheat on her with anyone else. He entered into a contract and fulfilled his part of the deal.

DBM: What’s your current opinion of him?

Crai: I don’t know if I can trust him again.

DBM: What he did to you, in my opinion, is a subtle warning flag. It may seem small a red flag to him, but it’s still something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

Crai: Yes. And my guards are all up

DBM: Well, there are people worth letting your guard down for. Question is, is he one of those?

Crai: I still love him very much but I am so scared. He’s asking me to marry him, Dave. He doesn’t want to date all over again or hang around. He’s asking to go see my parents.

DBM: I married someone who could be with me despite the troubles and my lack thereof. My partner is someone who could see that I would eventually get there, and was willing to tag along for the ride. Next year, we will be eight years on this ride.

Crai: You think I should risk it?

DBM: You already risked your heart in waiting for six years. You’ve offered him the power to hurt you, betray and reject you. What else is there to him to fear?

Crai: Hmmm.

DBM: Be upfront with what you need from him and be honest with yourself about exactly what you need. There’s no point in holding back if you’re genuinely, that much into him.

Crai: I know I will be happy and in love with him. I will be my most passionate with him.

DBM: Let’s go for it then. There is true joy in true love.

Crai: Let’s go for it. David, thank you very much.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Deliberate Intent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karl: Dave, quick chat. My wife complains about every little I do. I’m of the opinion that she’s getting tired of me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain ‘every little thing’ you do.

Karl: For example, I come home sometimes very late.

DBM: From work?

Karl: Yeah, sometimes

DBM: How about the other times you come home very late?

Karl: I stay out late so the time I get home, the kids would be asleep.

DBM: You don’t enjoy the company of your children?

Karl: They can be a lot, Dave.

DBM: So, your wife is the only one left to deal with the ‘lot’?

Karl: She’s good at it.

DBM: Has she a 9-to-5 job of her own?

Karl: Yes.

DBM: How old are your children?

Karl: The oldest is 11. Youngest is 6

DBM: Do you feel guilt at all missing the bedtime of your children?

Karl: Sometimes

DBM: Which of you gets your kids up and fed and ready for school?

Karl: The wife

DBM: Who does the housecleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping and helps the kids with their homework?

Karl: My wife. She’s always loved doing that.

DBM: What do you love to do at home?

Karl: I pay the bills and fees

DBM: Does your wife contribute financially towards the bills, fees and household management?

Karl: Yes, sometimes

DBM: Sometimes, meaning?

Karl: Not regularly.

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how frequent are her monthly contributions?

Karl: I’d say 7 or 8.

DBM: That is a regular financial contribution towards the household.

Karl: Yes

DBM: What do you do during the weekends?

Karl: I rest. I sleep in during the weekends because my weekdays are hectic.

DBM: What’s your wife’s profession?

Karl: Accountant

DBM: She does all that, and what do you do? Come home late from work or wherever else you choose to spend your time in the evenings and lay down in bed and sleep. And repeat the same routine the following day? Your partner really would be at loss at what to do.

Karl: That’s not how it’s like.

DBM: How is it like then?

Karl: She’s making an issue out of everything I do because she doesn’t trust me.

DBM: Why doesn’t she trust you?

Karl: I made a few mistakes in the past and she’s still holding it against me.

DBM: What kind of mistakes? Argh! Do I even need to ask! You had an affair, no?

Karl: Yes

DBM: It was a one-time thing?

Karl: No

DBM: And you call that a mistake?

Karl: We all make mistakes, Dave

DBM: There is a difference between making a mistake and choosing to make bad decisions. Because everything you have done thus far has been willful acts.

Karl: Here comes the other judge

DBM: I’m not being judgmental boss. I am just telling you everything you have told me thus far in other words. What are you desiring in your marriage that your wife isn’t forthcoming with?

Karl: I desire more space in the marriage. Something needs to change.

DBM: What needs to change?

Karl: I don’t want to be the one to tear our family in half, all for my own comfort. Dave, I’m not happy. I’m not cut for this whole husband and father role.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Karl: I’ve been asking myself the same question. She got pregnant with our first child and she wasn’t prepared to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Do you love her?

Karl: I like her. She’s a good girl. Hardworking. Beautiful. Sensible. She used to be fun to be with. I don’t recognize her anymore.

DBM: What work do you do?

Karl: I’m an engineer

DBM: Imagine this scenario: Your workload at work suddenly got increased, while your job title and compensation remained the same. How would that make you feel?

Karl: Frustrated

DBM: Would you still feel that frustration knowing you’re doing more without being recognized or consequently, rewarded?

Karl: Yes

DBM: Marriage is not like your engineering field where every new task seems to fall within your skillset or better still, aligned with your career goals. Marriage is a stretch beyond what we think we’re prepared for. It’s a significant stretch beyond what you initially vowed on your marriage day to do. Let’s go back to the increased workload scenario. What would you do, quit?

Karl: No

DBM: What would you do?

Karl: What would you also do?

DBM: I have always found delight in taking on extra responsibilities at work and seeing it as an opportunity to showcase my capabilities. It’s also a way for me to position myself for a promotion. Marriage is no joke. We push through it all. That is what your wife has been doing all these years since you two got married. Her role is no longer the girlfriend you used to have fun with. Her role expanded after marriage. She became your wife and a mother to your children. She’s been handling these extra tasks successfully. What have you been doing?

Karl: I help the best way I can

DBM: Is your best good enough?

Karl: I don’t know

DBM: You need to live long enough to appreciate how your wife has been ordering her steps to put your family together as a unit. Deflecting and starting to question whether your marriage is still the right place for your long-term peace of mind and happiness isn’t the solution to the very problems you have been creating within it. Check your intent sir, because you’re deliberately choosing to disrespect your wife and marriage.

Karl: Thanks.

DBM: Do not become the type of guys who only sound smart and wise on social media and pretend they know what it takes to be a responsible husband but do not live any of it.

Karl: Thanks. Got to go.

Image Credit: Jay Soundo

Easy Pet Name

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Harriet: Hello David. My mother-in-law wants me to be calling my husband by a title I’m uncomfortable with. I have my own simple pet name I call him by and he’s always been responsive to it. My MiL thinks I’m not being respectful to her son.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What name is she suggesting?

Harriet: I can’t say because my husband occasionally reads from your page.

DBM: Is your husband in agreement with his mother’s suggestion?

Harriet: No.

DBM: How do you usually call him?

Harriet: Babe, baby or simply by his first name. It’s an easy flow on my tongue. We’re very close and comfortable with each other.

DBM: My mother, for as long as I have known her calls my father ‘Mewura’. I think it means ‘My Lord’. It has been part of her language and ways of communicating with him. It used to be a sign of her affection towards him. I don’t know what it means to her now but she still calls him by that.

Harriet: Yeah, I’m not cut for those heavy ones. Lol.

DBM: So, do you. Use the pet name you feel intensifies your attachment to your guy. These unique names are like the divide between being fucked and being made love to. There is a difference and a level of attachment to each. Your mother in-law isn’t the one married to him.

Harriet: She’s moved in with us for a couple of months.

DBM: Why?

Harriet: I can’t give details but she’s going to be here till February, 2026.

DBM: What is your relationship like with her?

Harriet: We’re cool. She likes me. I like her. She loves our children.

DBM: She’s not all over your case, is she?

Harriet: She’s not but lately, has been drawing my attention to how I address my husband.

DBM: I don’t know what else to say. I came up with my own pet name for my partner before we even got married, and it has been the same name I use today. There’s something sexy and intimate about it – it’s a name we both approve, respond to and own. I see it as our special language between us that makes us feel like it’s just us, and then everyone else.

Harriet: What do you suggest?

DBM: Tell your mother in-law to stay in her lane. Or, there is the option of you calling your husband by her suggestion when she’s around and then doing you when you’re alone with him.

Harriet: She’s always around the house now, listening to everything.

Image Credit: Bobography

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