Tag: Confusion

Let’s Talk To Uriel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 142: My name is Uriel

DBM: Hi Uriel. How would you describe yourself?

Uriel: I feel as if I can’t think clearly, and having a hard time deciding on something important

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uriel: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uriel: I have a girlfriend. I also have a wife. I love them equally. I found out the girlfriend is dating another man who is married. I’ve been doing everything to make her life comfortable so I feel cheated. How do I get over the hurt?

DBM: Describe your hurt

Uriel: It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. I still don’t understand why she’s seeing another man. I take care of her needs. Now, looking back, I remember the number of times she had to turn her phone over because of a text message she didn’t want me to see. The number of times she put her phone on silence; the different times she cancelled on me and didn’t want me to come over. Everything is adding up now

DBM:  How long have you known her?

Uriel: A bit over two years.

DBM: What do you know about the other guy?

Uriel: Not much. But I know he’s also rented a different apartment for her

DBM: How did you find out about the other guy?

Uriel: Her friend told me. I know where she meets him too

DBM: Have you seen them together?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Have you questioned her?

Uriel: I have

DBM: What is her reason for entertaining the two of you?

Uriel: She says we bring different things to her life

DBM: What do you bring to her life?

Uriel: She says I give her good sex and make her feel important

DBM: The other guy brings what?

Uriel: Quality time and attention. She also says he’s generous towards her

DBM: Generous in which sense?

Uriel: With money

DBM: Are you kind to her?

Uriel: In every way imaginable

DBM: I see

Uriel: I still remain a fool for her love

DBM: Even after finding out you’re not her only guy?

Uriel: I guess the wool has yet to wear away before my eyes because I’m in love

DBM: What you share with this other lady isn’t just physical; you have actual feelings for her?

Uriel: I do

DBM: Do you use condom with her?

Uriel: Why would I use protection?

DBM: To demonstrate a sense cautiousness

Uriel: We’re clean, in the safe-zone

DBM: Are you concerned about the health and wellbeing of your wife?

Uriel: I am

DBM: Are you comfortable talking about your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: How would you describe her?

Uriel: She’s great in her own small way but I’ve realized one good woman is not enough

DBM: For you, you mean?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What influenced your decision to be with the other lady?

Uriel: I felt neglected by my wife

DBM: How so?

Uriel: I think she stopped finding me attractive along the line. Also, she’s a workaholic; comes home tired and the children take her remaining time. I haven’t been number one on her list of priorities since we had our first child. The other girl made me feel special and important

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Uriel: Three

DBM: All with your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: The other lady has any children?

Uriel: No

DBM: She works?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What else influenced your decision?

Uriel: She sings my praises in and after bed

DBM: During and after sex, you mean?

Uriel: Yes.

DBM: This remark is in reference to the other lady, no?

Uriel: Yes. The sexual routine I had with my wife changed inexplicably. She was coming up with one excuse after the other.

DBM: What could have been the real issue?

Uriel: I don’t know

DBM: Is she happy being married to you?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Does your wife know about this other woman?

Uriel: Not yet

DBM: What is the reason behind your inability to talk to your wife about your concerns, and or feelings?

Uriel: She’s dealing with a lot

DBM: Meaning?

Uriel: Work, family, school, etc.

DBM: So, her inability to make her life all about you isn’t intentional?

Uriel: No

DBM: I am asking this question as someone in your wife’s shoes. ‘Why couldn’t you communicate these issues with me first before resorting to cheating?’

Uriel: I didn’t want to come across as selfish

DBM: An affair can be easier to forgive if your wife at least, knows you are making attempts to prevent infecting her with a disease or getting the other woman pregnant.

Uriel: I am being careful

DBM: And in the process making your situation worse, no?

Uriel: I don’t think so.

DBM: Are you willing to work on your marriage to make it what you want it to be?

Uriel: I’m trying

DBM: Is the affair something you want to end?

Uriel: Not ready to end it yet.

DBM: Participant 141, Pike, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?’

Uriel: I keep my enemies in arms-length yet close, so I wouldn’t be paranoid about how they think and operate.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Uriel: If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Syid

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 103: Syid

DBM: Hi Syid. How would you describe yourself?

Syid: Dealing with unprocessed anger, hurt, frustration and resentment

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Syid: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Syid: My father’s brother was like a friend to me. Because my dad used to travel a lot, he was the one who represented as my father-figure during PTA meetings, whenever my mother couldn’t come. He helped me go through difficult times in my life; he taught me how to save and invest. He is the reason I can simply accept what is, in my life. He’s lived his life in such a way that, no one will suffer because of him; he takes very good care of himself. Dave, I understand the importance of hard work and sacrifice because my uncle is a living example of what that means. My father died last year. Family and visitors came to our house till he was buried. I assumed there was no one home when I arrived a month after my dad’s burial; only to hear these little noises coming from my mother’s bedroom, after I shouted her name to be sure she was home. When I got to her bedroom door, which was partially closed, I saw my uncle, naked. He had put a pillow on his lap to cover his boner.

DBM: Oh, my!

Syid: Before I could express my shock, he shouted my name and said, ‘I’m your father, boy’

DBM: As in?

Syid: My biological father

DBM: Where was your mother in this moment?

Syid: Seated next to him. She confirmed his claim, saying she was attracted to my uncle for over a year before the man I believed was my actual father swept her off her feet with money and good living. My uncle used to work for my father. My mum says, she never thought what she had with my uncle could come to anything because it was just attraction from a distance. But after my late father started traveling to work in different places, and would come home once or twice a month during the weekends, she found herself bouncing back to the man she once cared for deeply.

DBM: Did she love your late father?

Syid: She was married but unhappy

DBM: I can only imagine

Syid: She also said, she had known my uncle longer and had naturally begun to imagine what the future would have looked like with him. They discussed plans like marriage, renting a house together, divorcing my dad and starting a family of their own.

DBM: How would you describe your late father?

Syid: He was also one of the kindest people I had ever seen. He loved all of his children and had a great sense of humor. He had no enemies

DBM: How many siblings do you have?

Syid: We’re three

DBM: You’re the eldest?

Syid: No, the second

DBM: How old are you?

Syid: 32

DBM: Is your uncle married?

Syid: He never married. That’s one thing I could never understand

DBM: But he had girlfriends, no?

Syid: I never saw him with one

DBM: Has he other children?

Syid: Not that I know of. Come to think of it, I think I saw signs of him and my mother being too close for my liking when I was young. Many times, he visited us at home in my father’s absence, he could look over at my mother, and their eyes would meet, and then mum would look down – and sometimes would open her mouth in shock and burst into laughter because my uncle would be having a hard-on. I’ve seen him slap my mum’s butt in the kitchen on two different occasions when I was young. And she used to leave us at home to watch all the TV in the world and sleep anytime we wanted on Fridays or weekends that my father wasn’t around. On those days, I remember she used to dress sexier than usual to go out. I have seen my uncle come up behind my mum, grab her by the hips, and slow-dance with her, but stopped the moment I walked in on them after school.

DBM: Your young eyes have seen a lot

Syid: But it didn’t click back then

DBM: He was your favorite uncle; how would anything click for you?

Syid: This life is fucked up

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now – talking about them?

Syid: I feel conflicted with hate for both mum and uncle

DBM: Have you talked to your mother and uncle about how you feel?

Syid: I don’t know how I feel, Mr. Dave. I feel betrayed

DBM: Do you think they intentionally wanted to hurt your feelings?

Syid: I don’t know, but whatever they’ve done has made me cry

DBM: I understand your tears. Perhaps, when all the mixed-feelings are less, you could consider being upfront with them about how you feel being kept out of the picture

Syid: Would it make the shock of it any hurtful?

DBM: Fortunately for you, you have a better understanding of your mother’s past with your father’s brother. You have your own recollections of the both of them – even though you could not put two-and-two together. I believe this should help you to find a more manageable resolution with them.

Syid: I grew up looking up to my parents and uncle. They were my favorite role models and how I wanted my own family to look like

DBM: You can still process your emotions through this. Do you know if your siblings are your late father’s children?

Syid: Mum says they are. There are DNA-test results to prove it

DBM: I see

Syid: These changes everything about my life in a massive way, realizing the man I thought was my father actually isn’t

DBM: The bottom line is this, they put you kids first. Both fathers and mother were present to teach you, guide you and help you to become who you all are today. They did not just create you, they loved on you – regardless. Hating on them now may be valid an emotion, but ask yourself if it’s healthy for you

Syid: Easier said than done

DBM: One thing I always tell myself is that, I am not answerable for what I experience at the hands of others. People willingly choose to do whatever they feel like doing to either hurt or uplift my feelings. The only mature thing I can do is to simply hold on to the control that I have in restoring my own mental and relational sanity

Image Credit: Tom Adabi

Let’s Talk To Gasm

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 92: Name is Gasm

DBM: Hello Gasm. How would you describe yourself?

Gasm: Currently lost in my personal thoughts

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gasm: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gasm: I had been irritable for some time due to my inability to properly sleep at night. My wife thinks I work too hard that’s why I have been feeling blue, but I don’t. All I wanted was to improve my mental outlook. A colleague from work who had also noticed the changes in me, suggested I tried getting a massage. She told me about a home-run spa service at East Legon, that she frequents. She believed a good massage could help me to relax, and also, ease out the tension in my muscles. I booked an appointment for a Friday evening without any expectations.

DBM: Are you a massage lover?

Gasm: No. Though it was my second time getting a massage

DBM: When was the first time?

Gasm: The day before my wedding

DBM: Okay!

Gasm: Are you a fan of massage?

DBM: Not sure but I have had a few. I suffered from back and neck pain due to sitting for long hours while working. The masseurs helped to ease the pain with the massage, and it actually felt good. Anyways, let’s get back to your story. You booked a Friday evening appointment and …?

Gasm: I turned up at the house; a large home with a big garden and open living room. The windows were large; veranda was big, kitchen was huge. There was a swimming pool and an office with a built-in-library. It had a gym and three or four spare bedrooms. The owner of the property also happened to be the male massage therapist attending to me. He looked like someone in his 40’s. Surprisingly, I wasn’t feeling uncomfortable with that at all.

DBM: Why would you think you could feel uncomfortable?

Gasm: I thought men usually were assigned to ladies and vice versa

DBM: Oh, okay!

Gasm: He was welcoming and very friendly. He talked me through the process and then, settled me in the session room. He handed me a big white towel to change into. I quickly did. The massage table was comfortable, and the surface, very stable. I was lying on my stomach, with my face in the placement when I felt him pouring apricot kernel oil all over my back. His hands rubbed my legs and thighs gently. He spent about 30 minutes on my legs, feet and thighs alone before moving to my back and neck and then, shoulders. Can I be honest?

DBM: If you wouldn’t mind

Gasm: My body started to respond and react

DBM: That is normal, no?

Gasm: I am talking about getting an erection

DBM: At what point did you experience that reaction?

Gasm: When his hands softened and pressured on my thighs. Minutes later, he used his hand to separate my ass cheeks, and fingered, licked and teased my anus with his breath and tongue, blowing warm air into me -while trying to use his tongue to make a circular motion around and over my anus. He used more of his saliva to keep his tongue loose and open to penetrate me. I felt him press his mouth and tongue in my ass aggressively, rimming me till I was lacking breath. I started shooting cum when he dragged his teeth over my anus. He wasn’t biting; there was no pain yet tears began to flow from my eyes and I could not make them stop.

DBM: Why were you in tears?

Gasm: I hadn’t felt this astounding awareness through my entire body before. Sensational if I am to describe it.

DBM: I see. Let’s fast-forward to when you got home

Gasm: No Dave, I haven’t left the Spa yet in my story. He’s yet to turn me over to lie on my back

DBM: What happened when he turned you over?

Gasm: He massaged my chest through to my feet with intense pressure for about 30 minutes, before moving closer to my dick. I was really turned on, I felt so embarrassed, but he wasn’t. He looked me in the eyes while pulling my legs up my stomach, and wrapping his huge arms around my thighs – to suck my dick. He gently kissed the head, fooling with the tip of my prepuce, using his lips and tongue. It was long and slow when he started deepthroating me. I couldn’t stop moaning and tearing up. I was so hard and moving incessantly, I shot a thousand and one cum for the second time while deep inside his mouth. Then, I started to fart. He left the room for about five minutes, and then came back to spray essential oils in the air.

DBM: How long was the massage session?

Gasm: I paid for one hour, thirty minutes but got three hours instead. I thought he was going to stop after the blowjob, but he didn’t.

DBM: Did you have any intention of stopping him?

Gasm: I couldn’t explain exactly what was happening to me. I love women all through and through. I love me some warm pussy with large breasts. A woman’s body has been turning me on for almost four decades of my active sexual life. But after that Friday at the Spa, I have been questioning for a while.

DBM: It is okay sometimes in your lifetime or future, if you feel differently from how you normally feel.

Gasm: But Dave, I am not part of those LGBTQ nonsense

DBM: The ‘Q’ stands for questioning. What is going through your mind right now?

Gasm: I am 100% certain that I am straight

DBM: I am not disputing that fact. However, your desires or orientation as a human being can be fluid. An experience you have today can change who you are attracted to. An experience can influence who else you would want to have sex with tomorrow. This is because only you can describe at any given time, how you truly feel inside and out. Only you know and understand how it feels like to arrive in your full pleasure, and most importantly, to be you.

Gasm: I have been to his house again, after the first visit in February.

DBM: When was the second time?

Gasm: Last month, March 17th

DBM: I see

Gasm: The third was this month, 21st

DBM: Same routine?

Gasm: Yes, but I went overboard to see something

DBM: See what?

Gasm: To test the waters. He unfastened the buckle of my belt after I had dressed up to leave, pulled down my pants, took out my cock, and started performing oral sex on me. I slid my hand in his boxers from behind and fingered him slowly through the back door. When I slid my hand out, he grabbed it and licked the finger I used on him. It was an instant turn on to make me so horny, I bent him over slightly and penetrated him through his ass. I explored every inch of his handsome body for almost an hour. He sat in a chair with his eyes closed, giggling while I dressed up. I couldn’t stop maintaining eye contact with him.

DBM: How much do you pay after a session?

Gasm: The bill I settle for each visit is 850 Ghs

DBM: How did you feel after doing all this?

Gasm: I have never experienced a connection with anyone like that before. I think that’s what is making me feel pleased and satisfied. That, I kissed a man and didn’t puke

DBM: Explain ‘connection?’

Gasm: It was rarely just about sex.

DBM: You’re probably not the only man he is doing this with. You know, right?

Gasm: I know!

DBM: And, hopefully, you did use condom with him?

Gasm: Yes, I did. I want whatever this is, to continue with him

DBM: My concern right now is your wife. Please be conscious of protecting her health. She did not sign up for any of this. If you’re going ahead to meet some of your sexual needs with different people, please protect yourself to protect your dear wife. You owe her that!

Gasm: I will. Do you think she’s going to find out I like this new feeling?

DBM: A person only would know your sexual orientation if you tell them. But as for the cheating bit, if her intuitive antennae is high on alert, she will know you are cheating on her with someone. Imagine her horror, if she’s to find out – it’s actually with your fellow man?

Gasm: Been thinking about that

DBM: Can you ask your masseurs friend whether or not he’d be comfortable speaking with me about his profession?

Gasm: I will ask him.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Let’s Talk To Asantewaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 80: Asantewaa

DBM: Hello Asantewaa. How would you describe yourself?

Asantewaa: 😭

DBM: Oh! What’s the matter?

Asantewaa: I don’t know where to begin

DBM: Let’s start from here. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Asantewaa: 0

DBM: Zero? You cannot be zero

Asantewaa: That’s how I feel

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Asantewaa: I just tested positive for HIV. I am so frightened; I don’t know how to process the news. I have not done anything wrong. I have not done anything bad. My husband is the only guy I have been sexual with since we married. I can swear on my life and the lives of our children, I am telling the truth. The news distresses me so much, I have not been myself a couple of days now. I don’t know if my husband senses my anxiety. Dave, I have never been this depressed in life.

DBM: Hey, slow down.

Asantewaa: I can’t. This is not my destiny

DBM: I am so sorry about everything happening to you right now

Asantewaa: I feel so alone

DBM: You are far from alone

Asantewaa: I don’t know what to do. I am going to die from AIDS

DBM: Being HIV-positive doesn’t mean you have AIDS. Try to calm down, please?

Asantewaa: How can I calm down!

DBM: It is going to be okay

Asantewaa: No, that’s a lie

DBM: Have you done further blood test to confirm the result?

Asantewaa: Yes. I have done three separate tests and they all came back positive

DBM: It may take some time, but I believe you will come to terms with it

Asantewaa: I will not

DBM: Hey, everything is going to be alright

Asantewaa: How do you know?

DBM: You are not the first person to share your HIV news with me on Facebook. Many people have, and their health seems to be better now because they know their HIV statuses. They tell me they’re able to get the right monitoring and treatment.

Asantewaa: This is so scary, Dave. This is not the life I dreamed for myself.

DBM: You can still chase after the life you dreamed for yourself before you learned that you were HIV-positive.

Asantewaa: Easier said. You are not in my shoes

DBM: I don’t have to be in your shoes to tell you that everything is really going to be alright. What has your doctor told you thus far?

Asantewaa: Hmmm! She says my immune system is working well, and the HIV isn’t progressing so fast. She also said I have a healthy body.

DBM: Okay! That’s good to know. Has your husband been tested?

Asantewaa: No! I’ve not told him anything yet

DBM: When do you plan telling him?

Asantewaa: I don’t know. I am still wrapping my head around the news

DBM: You don’t have to share your HIV diagnosis with everyone out there, but your husband has a legal right to know.

Asantewaa: I don’t know what I am more sacred of; me dying or my husband leaving me – when he finds out

DBM: His safety depends on it

Asantewaa: I know

DBM: And any sexual partners he’s had since being exposed to the infection.

Asantewaa: You know what? I’ve been thinking about that actually. Why am I HIV-positive if my husband is the only man, I’ve been having sex with since we married?

DBM: Were you both negative prior to marriage?

Asantewaa: Yes.

DBM: Off the top of my head, I can count 17 women who have shared their diagnosis with me. I think only two found out they had been infected after their husbands had come clean for them to get tested. The rest got to know through random tests, because their husbands either did not know, or knew but kept the information from them.

Asantewaa: My husband has not given me any reason to question him, nor his intentions or feelings. He has not given me a reason to doubt him or our relationship.

DBM: Not even once?

Asantewaa: We’ve had our disagreements every now and then, but he does not make me second-guess his emotions. He has not given me any reason not to trust him.

DBM: Again, you can only be certain after he’s been tested. Majority of the women who shared their experiences with me were convinced about the same things when it came to questioning their husbands’ fidelity to them. Whenever a man is trying so hard to make it clear to you that you are the only one he could ever be with, just ask for his phone and password; right there and then, to have a private tour on his daily conversations and activities.

Asantewaa: My husband has a password on his phone

DBM: Do you know the code?

Asantewaa: I don’t. But he knows mine. I let him have my phone anytime he wants to use it. The children have access to it too. I have nothing to hide; also, it’s because he is my husband.

DBM: I see

Asantewaa: But there have been times that he would be on his phone and would try to hide his screen from me.

DBM: Do you do that to him?

Asantewaa: I don’t.

DBM: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. However, if a partner starts to act shady or give any reason to suspect something is amiss, sometimes by hiding their phone screens while on phone next to you, then it is what it is

Asantewaa: I usually do not have a clue what he does on his phone, and I don’t ask

DBM: What prompted you to get tested?

Asantewaa: I was experiencing recurring vaginal yeast infections. I was feeling so tired all the time, I wasn’t finding my energy to be intimate with my husband. Also, my husband used to complain about the heat in the environment in general, when he used to sweat at night. I had to visit the hospital when I experienced itchy skin rashes

DBM: I see.

Asantewaa: I feel myself growing angry again

DBM: Why is that?

Asantewaa: What if my husband is the reason smiles have fallen off my face?

DBM: If you love your husband, and still want to spend the rest of your life with him, HIV does not have to affect that.

Asantewaa: I am not going to be my husband’s keeper if he did this to me.

DBM: Please let me know what happens after confronting him.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

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