Let’s Talk To Abdul

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts