Tag: Death

Dead Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Boahemaa: My husband had a cardiac arrest while forcing himself on me at dawn. He died immediately after he had ejaculated. I found out he was having an affair and had impregnated one of the ladies he was involved with. He flatly denied having anything to do with other women though I had all the proof to prove my point to him. Dave, because I felt he had proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar, I decided not to have unprotected sex with him ever again. I insisted he used condoms if he wanted to be intimate with me. He got angry and refused to touch me for months. I wasn’t bothered because my health is very important to me. As my mother always told us, if you continue sleeping with the dogs, you will get fleas.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Momma is so right! And the fact that he argues with you about the things he does is the other reason why you need to prioritize your health.

Boahemaa: I cursed him under my breath when he forcefully penetrated me the dawn he died. I wished death on him when he refused to stop after I had begged him to pull out. He had no condoms on and that was very upsetting for me. I didn’t mean what I said but I was hurt and felt violated. I feel so guilty.

DBM: Did you kill him?

Boahemaa: No

DBM: Stop blaming yourself then. People die during or after sex. He isn’t the first.

Boahemaa: I don’t know why I am feeling so sad.

DBM: You’re sad because you were married to him. How long have you been together?

Boahemaa: 9 years.

DBM: You’re entitled to your thoughts, feeling, boundaries and values. And, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting them to be understood and, or respected. He forced himself on you; that’s marital rape. Refusing to wear a rubber was also disrespectful. He was the one in the wrong, not you.

Boahemaa: I’ve not been able to tell his family the full story. I feel like they’re going to judge me.

DBM: What do they think is the cause of his death?

Boahemaa: The doctor told them the layers in the walls of the large artery from his heart bulged and burst.

DBM: I’m sorry about your loss. You have kids?

Boahemaa: Yes.

DBM: How old was he?

Boahemaa: 49

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Gimme Some Lovin’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edwin: I had not spoken to my father in over nine years and I didn’t know he had been hospitalized. The woman who is now my wife was the nurse helping him to feel calm and fulfilled in his last days of living at the hospital. I returned home late from work one day and there she was by my gate, waiting to deliver a message. My father had requested she facilitated his death in a comfortable and dignified manner as possible. I was his only child, and so he had asked her to find and inform me about his decision.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You and dad, was it a relationship that had drifted apart or it was something else?

Edwin: It was an unhealthy father-son relationship that I knew I didn’t want.

DBM: Understood!

Edwin: Is your father alive?

DBM: Yes

Edwin: What’s your relationship like with him?

DBM: I don’t know! There’s no real relationship and it hasn’t been for years.

Edwin: Does it bother you?

DBM: Nope!

Edwin: What’s the background story?

DBM: Wait! Is this my interview or yours? Lol!

Edwin: It’s our interview, Dave. It should not be a one-sided chat.

DBM: I think he missed out on an opportunity to really get to know me as a person. And because of that, I moved on in life without needing his presence, support or opinions. Anytime I look back and think about the things he used to say to take my spirit, or how he used to treat me, I remember how each one of his actions made me feel. I refuse to ever be made to feel that worthless and broken again. Nobody will subject me to such a state, ever again.

Edwin: I will go back to my story.

DBM: Great!

Edwin: The nurse convinced me to find a way to go and see him, and bond with him in his last days, even if it did not involve me talking to him. It was very late, so I suggested she slept over and left in the morning. She declined the offer and left. I rushed to the hospital the next morning and my father had been pronounced dead. I was allowed to briefly view his body before he was moved.

DBM: Let me backtrack a bit: How did she locate your residence?

Edwin: My father directed her to my best friend’s office, so he could bring her to my house. My father didn’t know where I was staying.

DBM: Well, I’m so sorry about the whole experience. Sometimes, there are no words to describe these feelings and happenings.

Edwin: I honestly couldn’t explain how his passing made me feel. I was transformed by a certain type of grief that made me feel empty and stranded. Dave, I felt paralyzed by not knowing how to feel about his death. I saw the nurse who had come to my house, on duty from a distance, and I could see she very much wanted to provide some solace for me. I could see it in her eyes but she did nothing. She said nothing. I settled every bill I needed to settle at the hospital and left, walking pointlessly in the streets. I later returned to the office as if nothing had happened, closed at the usual time, and then went home. I got home very late and there she was again, waiting.

DBM: The nurse?

Edwin: Yes, my wife. She came up to me with great concern and hugged me so tight for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stop tearing up. That was when I knew she was something special. Her big heart caught my attention that evening and I held on to her. She kept reaching out even on days I just wanted to be alone. She was by my side when I had to travel to see my father’s family to inform them of his passing. She became a shoulder for me to cry on, and I enjoyed listening to all the stories she told me about my father’s two weeks admission to the hospital. We became friends after I had buried my father.

DBM: She seems like a good woman.

Edwin: My wife is the best.

DBM: Was she single?

Edwin: Not initially. Because I made an attempt to kiss her one time and she pushed me away. She told me she was in a relationship and asked if I would be okay if she checked on me again once some time had passed. I didn’t hear from her for about ten months. Then, I fell sick and had to go to the hospital. I asked one of the nurses attending to me about her. I was directed to where she was and I could still feel the excitement her presence used to bring me. She smiled when I smiled and then informed me about her relationship status. She was single and ready to mingle. You should have seen me that afternoon. I was on a cloud of my own because that sense of wonder about her remained throughout the time she had pushed me away. She wouldn’t admit it then but we had a strong, unique bond that only the two of us could understand. Our friendship matured into something beautiful, and somehow, everything clicked. We decided to get married.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Edwin: 18 years.

DBM: That’s nice. 18 good years or 18 some-what good years?

Edwin: It’s been good so far. I would have been a complete mess without her in my life.

DBM: What do you feel is making your marriage work for this long?

Edwin: We talk to each other a lot. And because there is constant communication, we’ve gotten to know each other more. My marriage is doing well because I am interested in whatever my wife wants to discuss with me. I’m never too busy to hear her out. She gets my attention when she wants my attention. A lot of guys would have the time to give their attention to all manner of people and things but their wives. I am the complete opposite. My wife is my priority, she comes first.

DBM: How do you deal with conflict?

Edwin: We have a kissing culture at home. First thing we do when we wake up in the morning, we kiss. We kiss before going to sleep. Conflicts automatically settles because nothing is supposed to break the culture. We still have to kiss even if we’re mad at each other. And Dave, there are kisses, and there are kisses. Some kisses are meant to end wars.

DBM: Hehehe! I love kissing, so I think I get the memo. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Edwin: One of my key strengths I’d say is, my intention to always present myself attractive to my wife. I let her see my heart for God. And because she’s a witness to that, she gets to experience God’s kindness, patience, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, faithfulness, truth, wisdom, beauty, humility, support, care and love in me. When a woman experiences all these traits in her man, the attraction she has for him grows.

DBM: Did you have a ‘type’ and was your wife your ‘type’?

Edwin: I used to have a type I typically went for. My wife wasn’t in that category. However, getting to know her made me realize how beautiful and physically attractive she was in my eyes. My wife is now definitely my type. I am glad I gave someone I usually wouldn’t go for a chance to speak to my conscience, attitude and heart. Beauty is skin deep. I fell in love with my wife’s character.

DBM: That is what I always tell my very close friends; my partner’s character is the person I know I can spend the rest of my life with. I married character too. Physical appearance has always been superficial and less important to me.

Image Credit: Anna-Nekrashevich

Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gyan: I never knew who my father was. I never met him. I wish I knew what he looked like. My mother had no proof of his existence, not even pictures. The name representing my father on my birth certificate is my mother’s closest friend. My mom died of cancer last year. She was a nurse.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m sorry to hear that. How old was mum?

Gyan: In her 50’s. She had me when she was 17

DBM: Oh! That young?

Gyan: She was raped by my father.

DBM: I see

Gyan: Before my mom passed she told me the full story behind my birth. It was my first time hearing the story. I resent my mother for keeping this information from me. Also, the fact that I am a by-product of rape hurts me.

DBM: You are a by-product of GOD’s ultimate design. Your DNA, all else there is to you: strengths, weaknesses, capabilities etc. all play a huge part in His plan for you. You are not who you are today by accident. You have always been in GOD’s care, even before your conception.

Gyan: I don’t believe in these motivational quotes anymore, sorry.

DBM: That’s also understandable. What was the story your mother told you?

Gyan: When she was 16, she had to study for an exam. One of the science teachers at her school was National Service personnel. He lived in the same compound house she and her mother lived. He had been posted there for a year. Mom said she wasn’t feeling well one afternoon and had to skip school. She had finished eating, gone to take a cold bath and fallen asleep in her room. She woke up a few hours later to him having sex with her. She said she begged him to stop but he had her hands pinned above her head. She couldn’t tell anyone because she felt no one would believe her. Also, the guy was calm, and liked by many in the compound and neighborhood. Very charismatic. My mother says the incident happened just once and was pregnant after a month. She didn’t know she was pregnant.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate.

Gyan: But Dave, would you classify this as rape? Because my mother also said they were very close friends, aside him being her teacher.

DBM: How close?

Gyan: Flirtatiously close. She said they had kissed before and even attempted to have sex but didn’t.

DBM: Per the account you just gave, he raped her. She did not consent to sex when she woke up and found him on top of her, did she?

Gyan: No.

DBM: Why don’t you see it as rape?

Gyan: Because I do it sometimes to my wife when she’s intentionally denying me sex. She knows I love sex and would punish me occasionally by denying me when we have a misunderstanding. I get up at dawn and have my way with her by force. She gets cold mad and insults me but we end up having consensual sex after a few days, and things would be back to normal.

DBM: Does your wife ask you to stop when you’re forcing yourself on her?

Gyan: Yes, she tries to push me away but she knows I get a bit carried away when she treats me like that.

DBM: You’re repeating your father’s exact insolence. You value your power over your wife more than her comfort and autonomy. Your father did not respect your mother for doing what he did to her. You do not respect your wife enough as a person.

Gyan: I love my wife

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Gyan: I do.

DBM: I see. What you sometimes do to your wife is slowly shattering her confidence. Is she a happy woman?

Gyan: I do the best I can to make her happy.

DBM: You need to ask her if she’s happily married to you. A lot of women are living a quiet life of suffering, enduring so much in their marriages till they can’t wait to break free. And they always break free at last.

Gyan: Ok.

DBM: What inspired your mother to become a nurse?

Gyan: Well, her primary goal wasn’t to provide care for patients in their most vulnerable state. A sense of drive was to someday be working in the same hospital my father would seek treatment for an illness, so she could attend to him and pay him back, which she finally did.

DBM: What do you mean by that?

Gyan: My mother kept transferring to different hospitals or clinics, and I had to do a lot of moving around with her. At first, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit still but before she died, she told me we were moving around to different locations because she had been tracking my father for more than 30 years. Everywhere we moved to meant my father lived in that city or region. He fell sick and was unfortunately admitted to the hospital my mom was placed. She found out he was on admission and sneaked her way in his ward to give him the wrong injection. He mysteriously was pronounced dead one dawn.

DBM: Your mother went too far. This is not right!

Gyan: That is the baggage of information she had to confess to before passing on.

DBM: I can only imagine the weight of it on you.

Gyan: Do you still believe God created me into all this mess for a reason?

DBM: GOD knew about you then. GOD certainly still knows about you now. And you know the best part?

Gyan: What?

DBM: GOD will know all there is to you in the future. I only hope you wouldn’t allow your emotions to be constantly dictating your actions. Real men do not excuse their bad behavior because their emotions got a little triggered. If you continue to justify how you choose to sometimes treat your wife unfairly, she will lose trust in you. And when a woman decides not to trust you again, she will seek her own liberation from your control. She would want to regain her life, her dignity, and her power, so she can pursue what is really deserving of her.

Gyan: This was a good chat. Let’s do it again another time.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Momma’s Diary

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kob: Hi Dave, I requested to share my mom’s story with you. Are you free to have a conversation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Do you mind typing the synopsis of the story here? I have a meeting this morning. I will come back to this conversation when I am done so we can expand on it.

Kob: Ok sir. We lost her 24 years ago through a heartbreak and an unknown sickness we couldn’t fight. She gave her love, her attention, her resources to my stepfather, who, in return, betrayed her. I found out every ordeal she endured through a diary she left behind.

DBM: How long was she married to your second father?

Kob: 8 years

DBM: How about your biological father, what happened between them?

Kob: Met him for the first time when I was 18. From the stories told by my grandmother, he abused my mom and chased her with a gun one night until my mom run to her aunt’s house. My grandfather went to dissolve their marriage and brought my mom back home.

DBM: How did your second father betray your mother?

Kob: My mom took him through school, training college as at then. He lived with us in my grandmother’s house. He wasn’t working, and it was literally my mom who took care of him. She will make sure his fufu is served every morning before she leaves the house to work and come home early to prepare dinner for the house. They were both into politics, so during the time of the late President Rawlings, he was appointed as the DCE of his district. They moved in together, and that was when everything started. He started cheating with multiple women, including my mom’s best friend. One day, he drove my mom back to us very ill, and we never saw him again. My grandmother took her to the hospital, and the Dr’s told us it was shingles, so she would be fine. We did all sorts of medication from herbal to any treatment we can, but she didn’t get better. When she started getting better, she fell into depression and wouldn’t eat anything. Her lovely husband never came to visit, never called until she completely went mute. I was playing football on the sunny afternoon of 6th July 2001, when my cousin came to call me that grandma wanted to see me. I went to my grandmother’s room, and there she was, laid down with clothes wrapped around her . We are half ewes, and seeking answers to strange deaths is normal. It was revealed that my mom had a fight with one of my stepfather’s side women and, at the back of our knowledge, sent her to a deity. The man only showed up during her burial and never showed up again after her burial.

DBM: I am very sorry about this. What was your relationship like with him?

Kob: We are 3 siblings, and he never loved any of us.

DBM: How was life like growing up without a parent’s real presence?

Kob: Dave, I wouldn’t wish that for any child. It was tough, but I had a loving grandmother who gave us all her love and care. Honestly, her presence made us move on from our mother’s death early.

DBM: I thank GOD for grandma. Are you married?

Kob: Nope, one bad relationship to the other. My last relationship ended 2 months ago. She was carrying a pregnancy we all agreed to keep until one day she decided to terminate the pregnancy. I knew what we had was coming to an end because I had lost my job and suspected she was talking to her ex. Maybe these circumstances forced her to, which I understand.

DBM: As a man, do you see yourself to want to do better someday, by your partner if you marry? Looking back at the kinds of men your mother had had to deal with.

Kob: Dave, my mom’s marriage, taught me a lot. There are good women who will do right by you, and all that they need in return is to love them back in all honesty. But Dave, I have my dad’s character.

DBM: It’s good you know you have your dad’s character, but is it possible to intentionally inspire an attitude adjustment?

Kob: I have more than 21 siblings from my dad’s side, so you know what I mean when I say I have my dad’s character. I have had two serious relationships that almost ended in my marriage, and I never cheated. So, I can do better with the right woman by my side.

DBM: I get it. Everyone has character traits, both good and bad.

Kob: Yes, we do

DBM: Thank you for sharing your mom’s story. I appreciate you

Kob: You Welcome, sir

Image Credit: David Kwewum 

Being Responsible

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I was 23 years old and, in the university, when news got to me that both of my parents had died. The last real memory I had of them was at the morning of their funeral. Their caskets were in the center aisle. My mother looked so peaceful and rested in her casket. When I looked down at my father, his face had been positioned in an almost frown. He looked angry as always. My sister was 20 years old by then and I remember hearing her cry uncontrollably, it almost broke me to tears. I was determined not to cry and I remained strong. I had already cried enough and had no more tears left to shed.

I held myself together as the priest conducted the service till, they had been buried. My sister and I found ourselves alone for the first time after everyone had left and we were devastated. Being the oldest child, it dawned on me the challenge of being responsible for my sister’s upkeep. I hadn’t considered a day in my life where I was going to be the grown up in the room helping my younger sister through her grief, while at the same time, working through my own. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I remember closing my eyes and crying behind my confusion. Dave, it felt impossible for me to even pray because I was overwhelmed by the sorrow and despair.

I knew I and my sister desperately needed consolation from God, but we didn’t know what to say to Him. I in particular was too heartbroken to even think about the right words to pray with. What I was grateful for though, was the fact that our mother taught us early in life how to have a praying heart and soul which was turned to God. So, in a time like that, we could remember every now and then, that our actions and deeds; even in our inability to have the right words to pray, our tears and sorrows, our hurts and disappointments; our fears could all be transformed into the perfect communion and communication with God. All we had to do was cry and God understood.

The first week after their burial, I took on a responsibility, while tough, seemed the most obvious and unambiguous; I had to ensure my sister’s basic needs were tendered to. I made sure she ate, even if it meant a bite or two. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, stocked the kitchen with some of her preferred foods that required little or no preparation. I became her dad all of a sudden, doing the biggest job on my own. Taking good care of a grown woman is a responsibility that does not show up on any man’s resume. I learned to pour all the love and its emotions I never knew I could give, all the support into my sister so she could become an astounding young woman.

I feel very proud of myself right now because my sister recently got married and raised a toast in my honor. She believes I challenged her preferences in men. She used to be all about looks and charm. If a man had a handsome face, an attractive physique, made enough money and could make her laugh, she would be allured to that. But 14 years after the death of our parents, she’s come to realize that an incredibly handsome man who is irresponsible and unreliable is not an attractive man. A rich man who makes promises and plans but not follow through on them is not an attractive man. Her tribute and appreciation of me was basically to say that, I was the type of man who showed up when I said I would.

I took charge when all hope seemed lost. I did not sit back and let things happen, I made things happen for us. Aside encouraging her daily to express her true feelings and emotions, I stood by her as she began to move forward from grief to, ultimately, pursuing her dreams in life. I was driven and motivated to make sure we were one step ahead each and every day and this, according to her, inspired her to be the best version of herself. She is now married to a man who also has the ability to perceive her emotional state and respond calmly to her needs. My wife is also the type of woman who knows how to manage not just her own emotions, but can discern that of my own. Thank you, David, for this platform that is allowing some of us guys to look beyond the surface and pour our hearts out.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz 

Let’s Talk To Wacian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 178: Wacian

DBM: Hi Wacian. How would you describe yourself?

Wacian: A man that God is with and for, and is fighting for me every single moment of every single day.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wacian: 9.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wacian: My friend died last year. He lived abroad. He used to stay with me anytime he visited Gh, till he built his own house. No member of his family knows about this property. He had his reasons for keeping it a secret. I have the main keys while he kept a spare. Now that he’s no more, I want to take over the property but my wife is accusing me of attempting to steal.

DBM: Are you attempting to steal it?

Wacian: No

DBM: Did he will it in your name?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why do you want to claim it as your own?

Wacian: Because he gave the house deed to me to keep safe

DBM: Was he married?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: He had children?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: How old are they?

Wacian: They’re not babies. That’s the best I can say

DBM: How long was he married?

Wacian: More than 10 years

DBM: Why are you not giving specific answers?

Wacian: Someone who may have known him can connect the dots

DBM: Is this the only property he’s built in Ghana?

Wacian: He has another house that his siblings and parents live in. His wife knows of that one

DBM: Why did he build this house you want take?

Wacian: He had plans of having another child with another woman and raising a second family here.

DBM: Does the other woman know of this building?

Wacian: No

DBM: So, there is another woman?

Wacian: Lol! Other women. He hadn’t settled on one yet

DBM: I see. Is your wife close to his wife or family?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why not?

Wacian: She didn’t like him

DBM: Why is that?

Wacian: She thought he was a bad influence on me

DBM: Was he?

Wacian: No

DBM: How big is this property?

Wacian: It’s an open-floor plan, four bedrooms with high vaulted ceilings, five bathrooms, outdoor spaces and an attached garage. It has an eat-in-kitchen

DBM: Aside raising another family, why do you think he kept such a project from his family of orientation?

Wacian: I don’t know. All he said was, he was building this one just for himself

DBM: There are no secrets in this life, just hidden truths. You know that, no?

Wacian: Dave, we were like brothers. What’s mine was his. That was our brotherly code

DBM: What was his was yours if he wanted it to be

Wacian: I have the house deed

DBM: Why is your wife against this decision?

Wacian: My wife is type always wanting to be the smartest person in the room. She makes everything into an argumentation context just to prove a point. Her first impulse is always to counter any idea I would propose, only to build unnecessary arguments around it.

DBM: Let me guess, a brilliant idea like stealing someone else’s home?

Wacian: You’re funny

DBM: Do I sound funny?

Wacian: Dave, if I said to my wife right now that the sky was blue, she would look up, see blue, and still tell me no, it’s gray

DBM: Hmmm!

Wacian: My friend’s wife is the same. She broke something in him

DBM: Broke what?

Wacian: His jar of marital happiness

DBM: Is yours too broken?

Wacian: Almost. That’s why a lot of men cannot rely on just their wives to make them happy

DBM: I can only imagine the sheer frustration your wife lives in with you, as her husband

Wacian: You don’t know me like that, boss

DBM: Many of us men, unfortunately, do not care. And, that’s the big problem. No woman or partner can fix the good values you have chosen to break in you. We all now tend to put our own selfish desires ahead of what’s right. Our partners no longer are not enough for us because we’d rather prefer to be validated and valued by strangers.

Wacian: Smh!

DBM: Participant 177, Ana, left a question for you ‘If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?’

Wacian: I actually left a job that I hated, yet was paying me the most, to do a job I absolutely love, but is paying me the least. To answer your question, yes, I’d still be doing what I am doing for work now. I am doing what I am passionate about.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wacian: Do you believe in luck?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Peggy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 89: Peggy is my name

DBM: Hi Peggy. How would you describe yourself?

Peggy: Self-confident, very caring, true to myself, rarely bothered by what people say or think about me; never afraid to stand up for what I believe is right, super productive, extremely hopeful and a go-getter.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Peggy: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Peggy: I am still very new to this; I’ve been asked to raise another man’s daughter

DBM: Who asked you to?

Peggy: The mother of the child. She’s late

DBM: Was she sick?

Peggy: Cancer

DBM: Why would she ask of you to raise her child? Has she no family?

Peggy: Not all people feel a close connection to their families. I am certain that her family does not know where she lived; they didn’t know about her pregnancy or the child. She tried her best to fight the battle against cancer, but the chemotherapy process was overwhelming for her to cope. She left her daughter in my care when the doctor informed us that there was pretty much nothing they could do.

DBM: How old is the child?

Peggy: Five years

DBM: Where is her hometown?

Peggy: I don’t know. We were friends for six years, and she never talked to me about her family. She was one of my close friends.

DBM: How was the daughter left in your care?

Peggy: I was at work when one of the staff showed up in my office with her. I asked why she was in my office all by herself, and she said her mother picked her up from school, put a letter addressed to me in her bag, dropped her at my office gate and just left.

DBM: What was in the letter?

Peggy: Authorization to raise her daughter as my own. There was also the name of the child’s father, his contact information and picture.

DBM: The child has a dad. That’s good then, no?

Peggy: Yeah! But the signed letter stated that, I could contact the father to come for her if I felt I couldn’t raise her all by myself.

DBM: Has the father been in the daughter’s life?

Peggy: Not that I know of. He wanted my friend to abort the pregnancy, but she kept it and broke things off with him. He is a married man though. He doesn’t know he has a child.

DBM: Wait, do you want to keep this child?

Peggy: I am considering it

DBM: Why?

Peggy: I am her God-mother. She’s known me all her life, and she loves me. She loves staying at my house.

DBM: How did you hear about her mother’s demise?

Peggy: In the letter, she asked me not to text her phone because she’d deleted all conversation histories and cleared all contacts and call history. She asked me only to call her phone once a month. I called because her daughter wanted to speak to her, but I heard wailing in the background. Whoever answered the phone told me she had passed on.

DBM: How long after dropping her daughter on you?

Peggy: Two days. Her family called back to ask if I knew anything about their deceased daughter

DBM: What did you tell them?

Peggy: Not much

DBM: You mentioned their granddaughter by any chance?

Peggy: No!

DBM: Hmmm!

Peggy: I don’t think I am ‘stealing’ her. Her mother specifically asked me to keep her if I wanted to.

DBM: And you want to?

Peggy: I want to

DBM: Does this kid know her mother is dead?

Peggy: I haven’t told her anything yet.

DBM: When do you plan to?

Peggy: Not anytime soon

DBM: Would this be your first parenting job?

Peggy: Yes

DBM: Do you have any idea as to what you are getting yourself into, in terms of buying groceries, cooking, paying fees and bills, taxiing her to and from school, assisting with homework, helping her nod off to sleep, being a step-mother, etc.?

Peggy: I know how hard it would be, but I can do it.

DBM: I see. Tell me about your plans for the child

Peggy: I am in the process of moving to a really nice neighborhood. My new house is in a safe and respected area, with excellent schools. I want her to grow up with friends who value education.

DBM: I like the sound of that; a great way for her to socially connect

Peggy: Exactly! She naturally loves to read, which is a good thing. Her mother was an avid reader. I am a mathematical genius, so I have started teaching her math skills. I want her to be great in both worlds. I want her to be poised in her capacity to learn and solve problems.

DBM: You really are up for the challenge, huh?

Peggy: I want to try the best I can for her so she can manage her emotions

DBM: Are you financially prepared for this new responsibility?

Peggy: I am intentional about my saving and spending habits. I have always done the best I could to financially prepare me for my future family. I am ready for this.

DBM: I don’t know what to even say; I am happy for you? Lol!

Peggy: You can be happy for me, Dave. It’s scary, but exciting at the same time.

DBM: Well, I commend you not only for the bold step taken, but also your way of approaching this whole challenge.

Peggy: Thank you, sir.

DBM: What is your biggest fear in all this?

Peggy: I have the perfect idea of the kind of future I want for her. I want my baby girl to grow into a strong and independent lady. My only fear is, maybe pushing her so hard when my fantasies about her doesn’t overlap with her interests and tendencies.

DBM: You want my candid opinion?

Peggy: Of course

DBM: Encourage your daughter to study and grow to forge her own path. Allow her to show you who she really is, as a person, before you start putting your own ideas on her.

Peggy: ❤ I’ve got to put my daughter to sleep.

DBM: Alright! Good night!

Image Credit: Kampus Production

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

HIS LIGHT STILL SHINES

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 8:  Akos.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

AKOS: I am a self-motivated person, a Christian and a lover of the word of God. I am the outgoing type; I love to have fun in my own world. I am a home maker and I have the heart of a man.

DBM: How long have you been married?

AKOS: 8+ years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

AKOS: Frankly, I didn’t have anything like the perfect picture in mind. One thing I think I always wanted in a man was someone who was intelligent and had a vision, and I saw that in my hubby. I just loved my husband for who he was. He was averagely tall with a thick masculine body, dark in complexion and was in academia, which I truly loved.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

AKOS: He was my superior at work.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

AKOS: Partially yes. Soccer was his life, so in the initial stages of our marriage, it was like he was married to soccer, and not to me.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

AKOS: When we had a family dance with the kids, and when I had a surprise birthday party for him.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

AKOS: After my first child.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

AKOS: Yes, he had always been. My husband was always on point with his dressing, work, food, just name it. He was just the perfect gentleman in my own world.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

AKOS: I completely listened, as more times – I needed insight from him. He was indeed my world.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

AKOS: He was trying everything possible to give me a perfect world. Our major problem had always been his addiction to soccer.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

AKOS: I’ll love and cherish you in the good and bad. I’ll love you the best way I can ever, and will be the best parent to our children yet to be born.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

AKOS: Trying to help the needy the best way we could, even when the going became tough. He always loved to give. The last charity he made was in December.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

AKOS: I kept falling in love and talking about his love, and I still talk about it.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

AKOS: I didn’t trust my husband fully because he was the ‘ladies’ man’. He had women proposing to him almost all the time. He just had that vibe.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

AKOS: We barely had time for each other because of work but when we had the least opportunity, we always made the best of it.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

AKOS: I feel more connected, much more than ever.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

AKOS: No! I had felt threatened on several occasions, though my hubby promised me a beautiful marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

AKOS: I’ve always anticipated our marriage standing on a solid Christian faith, full of love and joy.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

AKOS: Trying new things to spice our wonderful sex life, but along the line it flopped due to health issues from my spouse.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

AKOS: It was 6 out of 10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

AKOS: Patience, understanding and being there to give a shoulder when necessary. Being each other’s confidant and backbone.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

AKOS: I used to feel loved.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

AKOS: There’s no perfect marriage but I tried to be a great wife. Honestly, I hardly let go of what hurt me. And I loved to pay back sometimes. I easily got provoked and angry, and my husband was always there to comfort and share my pain, even if I was angry at him.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

AKOS: Never!

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

AKOS: The husband of my youth, my all-time lover boy, you know how we rocked it and you know the special place you have in my heart. The space can never and will never be occupied. I think of you day and night and I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a more solid lovely perfect marriage with you. It’s been months without you and it feels like forever. When I close my eyes to pray, I still tell God to incubate your soul peacefully for us until we meet in eternity someday.

My anointed general may you keep resting peacefully. We dearly love and miss you today and forever. From us on earth to you in heaven.

A LOT UNSAID

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Please keep me anonymous. Me and my wife are dealing with a complicated issue that is getting us worried. Our close friend died last year. She was in the process of divorcing her husband when we gave her and her kids our spare rooms. She was also battling cancer. Her husband isn’t our buddy-buddy as his wife was but he is a friend to me and my woman. Our friend died due to the cancer but before she died, she wrote a legal document in the presence of her attorney requesting that me and my wife bury her. She didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband; she didn’t want to have anything to do with her own family.

Dave, a lot was going on in her life which she left unsaid. That was part of the reason why it was hard for me to tell if she was actually in an unhappy marriage or she was just going through a rough patch. We knew something wasn’t right when she moved to our house with her children. Our late friend, who used to talk to my wife says our friend’s family were on the side of her husband and believed in his lies more than her complaints. Also, because he was good at giving her mother, father and siblings gifts and money, they assumed he was a good man for their daughter. But she was suffering in the marriage. The contents in the legal document she prepared before she died stated that we should send her children to her ex-husband the first week after her death. It also said we were to buy a coffin and bury her without holding a funeral. She’s an insurer and had left money to cover her coffin and burial processes.

She wrote in the document that she did not want her mother, father, sisters, brothers, ex-husband or children around her corpse. She wanted only me and my wife to bury her privately without fanfare. Her last instruction was that she didn’t want us to show any member of her family where we buried her. Her lawyer ensured we had honored her last wishes. Th problem is that, when we took the children to her ex-husband’s office and informed him about his ex-wife’s demise, he called his in laws to tell them. The family is now on our neck to produce the buried body. It’s been three months and we are not having it easy. They brought the police to our house, etc. But because there is a legally binding document in our favor, there hasn’t been any arrests. But her family is always at our main gate in black and red attires,  demanding for their corpse. I was telling my wife we show them where we buried their relative but she and the lawyer are insisting we do not go against her dead friend’s wishes.

Dave, the woman is dead. What else can a dead body do? Wouldn’t it be easier showing them where we buried her?

Image Credit: Cottonbro

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