Tag: Fear

Let’s Talk To Air

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 171:  Air

DBM: Hello Air. How would you describe yourself?

Air: I keep an eye on everything

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Air: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Air: Marriage

DBM: What about it?

Air: The fear of it. I don’t know if I ever want to get married.

DBM: That is also okay.

Air: I don’t think you’re understanding me. I want to get married, but I am scared.

DBM: Why does it scare you?

Air: So many of my friends and friends of my parents and siblings are getting divorced. Stories on social media are no different. Married men and women are having affairs; married men are making passes at my girlfriend, etc. It’s a whole lot.

DBM: How long have you dated your lady?

Air: 5 years. We describe our relationship as a domestic partnership. We also own a few businesses together.

DBM: Is marriage on any of your to-do lists?

Air: It was on mine

DBM: How about hers?

Air: She’s not obsessed about it. If it happens, she’d be fine; if it doesn’t, she’d be fine.

DBM: I am a respecter of people’s personal choice of partnership. You do you, so far as it is working for you.

Air: Yeah… Marriage is just a piece of paper, I guess?

DBM: Marriage is more than a piece of paper.

Air: Enlighten me

DBM: Well, you go from saying, ‘my girlfriend’ to ‘my wife’

Air: Lol! What else?

DBM: Your woman changing her last name to yours holds so much weight.

Air: Arrh, Dave! I want the heavy weight in its relevance.

DBM: Marriage does change things in your relationship, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.

Air: How does it affect the dynamics of a relationship – is my question

DBM: Let me use my own experience: the love we share in our day-to-day is still the same after settling down; we live the same individual lives, and our relationship and commitment is just as it was. Nothing significant really has changed, we’re just married.

Air: So, there is nothing special to it then?

DBM: The bond we shared still is there between us, only, it became a sort of ‘certified’ or ‘final’ kind of feeling when we made the decision to get married.

Air: I get that part

DBM: What do you want in a relationship?

Air: A lot, and marriage is part of the lot.

DBM: So, marriage is one the end goals?

Air: Yes

DBM: Just marriage?

Air: What do you mean?

DBM: What type of marriage?

Air: The kind we both would be willing to go whatever length to fight to keep it alive should there be obstacles

DBM: How do you qualify such a big deal with just a piece of paper?

Air: I understand your point. I guess what I am struggling with is the importance of a public declaration of love for my woman and the recitation of vows.

DBM: I don’t view it necessarily as a publicity stunts, but rather taking a more legal official stance.

Air: Bringing us back to the certificate: a piece of paper

DBM: That piece of paper catapults your love and relationship to a whole new next level things.

Air: Like?

DBM: How old are you again?

Air: 36

DBM: Let’s assume you’re hit by a car after your wedding and hospitalized, that piece of paper gives your lady the spousal rights to love on you in a way that determines whether or not the hospital pulls the plug on you to either live or die. That piece of paper permits any of you to make all sorts of medical decisions on the other’s behalf, not a mother or father, but YOU.

Air: I get it

DBM: Your wife automatically gets whatever marriage benefits is due her, just because of that piece of paper. And so do you. No family member can kick your children out or claim your matrimonial home and house or businesses as theirs should any of you die. That piece of paper ensures whatever you both have left, in case of death, goes to the other partner first.

Air: Even when there is no will?

DBM: Especially when there is no will. You both have pension?

Air: We do

DBM: Assets?

Air: Yes

DBM: Bank accounts?

Air: Lol! Of course,

DBM: That piece of paper is basically your way of taking very good care of each other – should one of you choose to die.

Air: I am scared of disappointing her later in future. That’s my other headache.

DBM: Disappointing her in what sense?

Air: Cheating on her, etc.

DBM: Have you cheated on her since you started dating?

Air: Not yet

DBM: Do you have any plans to?

Air: Not that I know of

DBM: Most guys, unfortunately just want to get married. It’s only a decent and serious few who genuinely want to be married. Being intentional about staying married and giving it your 100% is worth more weight than just being married.

Air: I want to get married

DBM: Why do you really want to get married?

Air: I don’t know if it’s a good reason

DBM: I’m still interested in knowing.

Air: I can’t imagine spending a single day without her in my life

DBM: That is a good enough reason.

Air: She makes me very happy Dave, and I love her dearly. She’s my all-time best friend.

DBM: Imagine becoming your all-time best friend’s husband?

Air: Lol!

DBM: You like the sound of that?

Air: Yes. My girlfriend has friends who have issues with submission and obedience. They don’t believe a woman should be cooking and cleaning in a relationship.

DBM: A man should know how to cook and clean after himself. It’s no woman’s responsibility to be doing that for you.

Air: Hmmm! My girlfriend does it though

DBM: It’s always in one’s choice. It’s not torture. It’s also not her duty and, or responsibility towards you.

Air: Okay!

DBM: But I see the act of service as a type of love. Cooking for your husband or wife is a display of love. When you make sure your partner is well fed, well taken care of, you are simply expressing the magnitude of your love for them. It’s a show of gratitude for their daily sacrifice and intention to keep the home afloat. I cook whenever I have the time or in the mood to. It’s all about teamwork.

Air: Okay! Thank you, Mr. Dave. I had fun talking to you.

DBM: Likewise.

Air: Last question, what if I do not want a wedding?

DBM: What does she want?

Air: I don’t know. She’s never been the wedding type.

DBM: Marriage is a personal journey for me. My decision to do forever with my partner has absolutely nothing to do with the opinions of friends or family. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. All I want to be assured of is that, I have made the best decision for myself and hopefully, for my partner. No one should tell you or have a strong say in how your marriage should look like.

Air: For the first time, I think I like you. Lol! I always thought you’re biased and have been siding with the ladies

DBM: You’re still not getting my point: I don’t really care what you think of me. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and it’s going to stay that way.

Air: Lol!

DBM: You can do court or even get married in yours or her pastor’s office in the church premises. The ceremony doesn’t have to be elaborate. The important thing is, you want to be together by hook or crook

Air: Okay!

DBM: How you start on a journey isn’t always going to be how you will finish.

Air: I agree

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Air: Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jonathan Borba

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

Let’s Talk To Asantewaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 80: Asantewaa

DBM: Hello Asantewaa. How would you describe yourself?

Asantewaa: 😭

DBM: Oh! What’s the matter?

Asantewaa: I don’t know where to begin

DBM: Let’s start from here. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Asantewaa: 0

DBM: Zero? You cannot be zero

Asantewaa: That’s how I feel

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Asantewaa: I just tested positive for HIV. I am so frightened; I don’t know how to process the news. I have not done anything wrong. I have not done anything bad. My husband is the only guy I have been sexual with since we married. I can swear on my life and the lives of our children, I am telling the truth. The news distresses me so much, I have not been myself a couple of days now. I don’t know if my husband senses my anxiety. Dave, I have never been this depressed in life.

DBM: Hey, slow down.

Asantewaa: I can’t. This is not my destiny

DBM: I am so sorry about everything happening to you right now

Asantewaa: I feel so alone

DBM: You are far from alone

Asantewaa: I don’t know what to do. I am going to die from AIDS

DBM: Being HIV-positive doesn’t mean you have AIDS. Try to calm down, please?

Asantewaa: How can I calm down!

DBM: It is going to be okay

Asantewaa: No, that’s a lie

DBM: Have you done further blood test to confirm the result?

Asantewaa: Yes. I have done three separate tests and they all came back positive

DBM: It may take some time, but I believe you will come to terms with it

Asantewaa: I will not

DBM: Hey, everything is going to be alright

Asantewaa: How do you know?

DBM: You are not the first person to share your HIV news with me on Facebook. Many people have, and their health seems to be better now because they know their HIV statuses. They tell me they’re able to get the right monitoring and treatment.

Asantewaa: This is so scary, Dave. This is not the life I dreamed for myself.

DBM: You can still chase after the life you dreamed for yourself before you learned that you were HIV-positive.

Asantewaa: Easier said. You are not in my shoes

DBM: I don’t have to be in your shoes to tell you that everything is really going to be alright. What has your doctor told you thus far?

Asantewaa: Hmmm! She says my immune system is working well, and the HIV isn’t progressing so fast. She also said I have a healthy body.

DBM: Okay! That’s good to know. Has your husband been tested?

Asantewaa: No! I’ve not told him anything yet

DBM: When do you plan telling him?

Asantewaa: I don’t know. I am still wrapping my head around the news

DBM: You don’t have to share your HIV diagnosis with everyone out there, but your husband has a legal right to know.

Asantewaa: I don’t know what I am more sacred of; me dying or my husband leaving me – when he finds out

DBM: His safety depends on it

Asantewaa: I know

DBM: And any sexual partners he’s had since being exposed to the infection.

Asantewaa: You know what? I’ve been thinking about that actually. Why am I HIV-positive if my husband is the only man, I’ve been having sex with since we married?

DBM: Were you both negative prior to marriage?

Asantewaa: Yes.

DBM: Off the top of my head, I can count 17 women who have shared their diagnosis with me. I think only two found out they had been infected after their husbands had come clean for them to get tested. The rest got to know through random tests, because their husbands either did not know, or knew but kept the information from them.

Asantewaa: My husband has not given me any reason to question him, nor his intentions or feelings. He has not given me a reason to doubt him or our relationship.

DBM: Not even once?

Asantewaa: We’ve had our disagreements every now and then, but he does not make me second-guess his emotions. He has not given me any reason not to trust him.

DBM: Again, you can only be certain after he’s been tested. Majority of the women who shared their experiences with me were convinced about the same things when it came to questioning their husbands’ fidelity to them. Whenever a man is trying so hard to make it clear to you that you are the only one he could ever be with, just ask for his phone and password; right there and then, to have a private tour on his daily conversations and activities.

Asantewaa: My husband has a password on his phone

DBM: Do you know the code?

Asantewaa: I don’t. But he knows mine. I let him have my phone anytime he wants to use it. The children have access to it too. I have nothing to hide; also, it’s because he is my husband.

DBM: I see

Asantewaa: But there have been times that he would be on his phone and would try to hide his screen from me.

DBM: Do you do that to him?

Asantewaa: I don’t.

DBM: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. However, if a partner starts to act shady or give any reason to suspect something is amiss, sometimes by hiding their phone screens while on phone next to you, then it is what it is

Asantewaa: I usually do not have a clue what he does on his phone, and I don’t ask

DBM: What prompted you to get tested?

Asantewaa: I was experiencing recurring vaginal yeast infections. I was feeling so tired all the time, I wasn’t finding my energy to be intimate with my husband. Also, my husband used to complain about the heat in the environment in general, when he used to sweat at night. I had to visit the hospital when I experienced itchy skin rashes

DBM: I see.

Asantewaa: I feel myself growing angry again

DBM: Why is that?

Asantewaa: What if my husband is the reason smiles have fallen off my face?

DBM: If you love your husband, and still want to spend the rest of your life with him, HIV does not have to affect that.

Asantewaa: I am not going to be my husband’s keeper if he did this to me.

DBM: Please let me know what happens after confronting him.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Keith

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 78: Keith

DBM: Hello Keith. How would you describe yourself?

Keith: I am a DJ with an Accra-based FM station. I like inspiring people to get up and dance. It puts a smile on my face

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Keith: I would have said 9, but because of the trouble I find myself in now, I’d say 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Keith: I have impregnated a 17-year-old girl, and her parents are threatening to get me arrested

DBM: How old are you?

Keith: In my mid-to-late thirties

DBM: Did you know of her age before being physical with her?

Keith: No! We met at a night club, clicked and had our first sex in my car. We exchanged numbers, and she would arrange to fuck with me, once or twice in a week.

DBM: Where were you meeting to do this?

Keith: I have a place

DBM: Is that where you live?

Keith: No! But I used to live there

DBM: I’d want to believe I would know a teenager when I meet one. Couldn’t you tell her age by just looking at her?

Keith: Dave, she looks way older than she actually is. Also, when we met at the club, she had make-up on, and was wearing a wig and clothing that an adult would wear. She and her friends were acting mature. I could not tell the difference.

DBM: Were you two dating, prior to the pregnancy?

Keith: No! It was strictly sex. We weren’t talking with the intention of being in a relationship. It was simply fun we were having

DBM: Till she got pregnant

Keith: Yes. I hadn’t heard from her for two weeks, so I sent her a message. Her father called me, minutes after the message was read.

DBM: Are you single?

Keith: Not really

DBM: Not really, meaning?

Keith: I am not single. Whatever we did, she consented to it

DBM: Whereby consent means?

Keith: She agreed to have sex with me, and we both understood what we were agreeing to.

DBM: Everyone but minors have the right to make choices about sex. A minor cannot consent to any type of sexual activity. How long have you been having sex with this girl?

Keith: Almost a year

DBM: When was her 17th birth date?

Keith: I don’t know. We don’t discuss those things

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, Ghana’s statutory rape law is violated when you have consensual sexual contact with a person under the age of 16, I think.

Keith: I did not rape her

DBM: I am not saying you did. Being prosecuted for unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor has nothing to do with rape. If she was under 16 years, the night you first met at the club, then the situation you currently find yourself in could be termed a felony, as well as misdemeanor child molest.

Keith: I have all of our chat history on WhatsApp. She couldn’t have been less than 16 years, ten months ago

DBM: Okay! Have you spoken to the young lady?

Keith: Yes. She used her friend’s phone to call me. She warned me about her father’s decision to get me arrested. Her father has her phone

DBM: What information is her dad working with to track you down?

Keith: He has my phone number and full name.

DBM: How did he get to know your name?

Keith: I think he used the mobile money transaction process. He sent me 1 Cedi

DBM: Did you ask of her actual age when she called?

Keith: Yes. She was 17 in February

DBM: 2023?

Keith: Yes, this year. Do you think she can be forced to lie about me?

DBM: Lie about what?

Keith: Maybe, rape or something

DBM: Did you rape her?

Keith: No!

DBM: If she does not want to falsely testify against you, then she cannot be forced to. These situations are rarely investigated by the police, unless someone reports it to them.

Keith: Her father might

DBM: So, get your story straight. What’s going through your mind right now?

Keith: Hmmm! I can’t even focus at work

DBM: What are you going to do about the pregnancy?

Keith: I am not ready for it

DBM: Do you have any idea what her parents might be going through right now? The flood of emotions, from shock to being disappointed in her; to grief and worry about her future

Keith: Yeah

DBM: How is the girl managing through all this?

Keith: I don’t know

DBM: What do you really know?

Keith: She said she will contact me when tempers calm at home. Do you think I am going to be pressured into an unwanted marriage?

DBM: Did it not ever occur to you that you were placing yourself, and that of the girl at risk of an STI, HIV or an unwanted pregnancy – while engaging in unprotected sex?

Keith: I thought she was taking emergency contraception like the others

DBM: Which others?

Keith: 😜

DBM: I see

Keith: Dave, can we meet over lunch somewhere to talk? I need someone to talk to

DBM: I would love to, but I am currently not available for a face-to-face. Sorry. Please keep me updated whatever happens

Keith: Will do. Thanks

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Marcus Silva

Let’s Talk To Aimee

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 70: My name is Aimee

DBM: Hello Aimee. How would you describe yourself?

Aimee: I am 38 years old, and a single mother.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aimee: I am 8-scaled happy

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aimee: Before I share my issue, I want to know why it’s taken you almost three months before reaching my turn?

DBM: I am very sorry Aimee. There have been a lot of emails and inbox messages expressing interest in the series, and I am trying to engage everyone accordingly. I usually assign days to participants in order to chat with them. Unfortunately, some conversations take more than three days to conclude, due to our different work schedules. I am yet to even assign dates to other interested partakers. Hopefully, it will get to everyone’s turn.

Aimee: I’ve met a man that I really, really like. He hasn’t come out to say it, but he’s expressed interest in us getting married. At the moment, I am enjoying every stage of our relationship and taking heart to all the things he’s expressed. He’s introduced me to his siblings, friends and will be meeting his mother for the first-time next week. I have spoken with his mother on phone a couple of times though.

DBM: That’s nice to know

Aimee: Yeah, but there is a big BUT…

DBM: What’s the problem?

Aimee: I am a single mother of four. All of my four children are with four different men. My first son’s father is in jail. He raped me when I was a teenager, and my parents got him arrested. He is not someone I knew or dated; he is a complete stranger who forced himself on me. My second child’s father was my first boyfriend. We dated for a year and a half, and found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. We planned on getting married but weeks into our traditional marriage, I got to know he was expecting another child with another woman. It broke my heart and couldn’t go through with the engagement. We broke things off amicably. My third child is the son of my first husband. We were married for two years till I couldn’t be his wife anymore. He was verbally abusive. He once told me, he would divorce me, and I would be at the mercy of strange men – who would sleep with me before giving me money to feed myself and the children. He told my first child, he would throw him out on the streets so he begs for a living, and would drive past him and not give him even 20 pesewas to buy water . He isolated me from my family, always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing; he would assume control over my finances because he felt I was stupid to plan for my own life. And he did all these without sitting me down to discuss issues. He never admitted his faults. I moved out of his house and divorced him without thinking twice. My second husband was the father of my fourth child. He was the love of my life, but unfortunately, died in a car accident. So far, my life has been a roller coaster ride, and I want to keep a steady wall of separation between my life as a mother, and my current dating life.

DBM: That was a lot to read

Aimee: I am sorry

DBM: Tell me a little about this new man in your life

Aimee: He is divorced, and has two adorable children of his own. They love me and all

DBM: Okay… So, where is the problem in this?

Aimee: He’s assumed all the four kids belong to my late husband

DBM: As in, you’ve made him believe such is the case or…

Aimee: I haven’t told him anything about the different fathers of my kids

DBM: Why not?

Aimee: I fear he’s going to judge me unfairly

DBM: But he loves you, no?

Aimee: He hasn’t said anything about love yet

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Aimee: Eight months, 14 days today

DBM: A man who wants you to know his family and friends’ desires to extend his connection with you. His family and friends know him best, and so you meeting and knowing them is his indirect message to you to know him even better through other trusted sources.

Aimee: Hmmm! I don’t know

DBM: You have to know. You mentioned him considering a future together with you, no?

Aimee: Yes

DBM: His heart is in this. He trusts in your love and his for each other

Aimee: I don’t think his mother will accept me if she knows about my history

DBM: Your history is, you’re a mother of four beautiful children. That is where the fun is

Aimee: My children make me feel loved and happy. I am free to express myself as a woman, and my they do not judge me. They show me a lot of respect and affection. They give me so much attention, which goes a long way to help me forget all of my worries.

DBM: I was talking to one of my good friends about your issue. Her name is Nandy. Her Facebook name is Nana Ama Tanaah. She’s willing to talk you through the process if you are open to talking to her. She asked me to tell you to tell your boyfriend about your children’s fathers.

Aimee: And what if he misinterprets the whole situation?

DBM: Let me copy and paste what Nandy is saying to me right now, “I understand, but if he judges you unfavorably, then you’re actually saving yourself from a future headache. It’s better to trust in the intent”.

Aimee: She’s right

DBM: What made you marry your first two husbands?

Aimee: Do you want the honest version or the lie I keep telling myself and others?

DBM: The truth

Aimee: I do not think I married both men for love from the start, though I fell in love with them along the way. Fear is what I believe drove me from one marriage to the other.

DBM: Fear of what?

Aimee: You know, not being able to provide for my babies on my own. Also, I assumed I needed a male figure in the lives of my children, and for us all to be under one roof, for it to be a proper family.

DBM: Do you work?

Aimee: I am actually a Chartered Accountant. I also hold an MSc. in Accounting and Finance. I make good money

DBM: I am pleasantly surprised by your capabilities

Aimee: I am a hard worker

DBM: Oh, trust, I know! And you should not be with any man who does not want to be with you. Do not be afraid to be alone if he chooses not to accept you for you. In fact, being alone is another stepping stone to finding a better partner who wouldn’t mind encouraging you to keep up the fight.

Aimee: You’re kind with your words.

DBM: You seem like a strong, compassionate and caring woman; the type to bring to the table, wisdom and empathy. It takes a real man to see your worth.

Aimee: I should tell him then?

DBM: You should, it’s part of your story to tell. If certain aspects of your past just happen to affect how he feels about you, and could potentially change the dynamics of your relationship, learn to respect his concerns and decision.

Aimee: Okay! I have a meeting to attend in the next 15 minutes. It was nice talking to you, David.

DBM: Likewise. Remember that, a man who loves you truly – would never want to change anything about you.

Image Credit: Barbara Olsen

Let’s Talk To Pearl

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 53: Hello Dave. My name is Pearl

DBM: Hello Pearl. How would you describe yourself?

Pearl: ………………………………………………………………………………………………

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pearl: I have had four abortions in my lifetime. All these happened before I met my husband. He does not know about my past, and I’d want it to stay that way. I come from a Christian household, and though I am not blaming anyone for my actions, I feel like if my parents had talked to us about sex from an early age, some bad choices I made in life could have been prevented.

DBM: What did your parents talk to you guys about in relation to sex?

Pearl: Abstinence, and why God admonishes us to live in purity. That was all they stressed on

DBM: I grew up in a home like that too

Pearl: You did?

DBM: I did! At what age did you start having sex?

Pearl: When I was 15 years. My science teacher pressured me into liking him.

DBM: Whereby ‘pressured’ means?

Pearl: It wasn’t rape. I wasn’t doing so well in his subject and he realized it bothered me. He wrote me a letter explaining how he could transfer his smart science gene to me through other means.

DBM: Tell me ‘Other means’ meant extra classes?

Pearl: He was the first man I had sex with. And for some strange reason, my grades started to change for the better in science. He told me to just study and write whatever I felt were the right answers to any of his assignments, quizzes, tests and examination questions.

DBM: Are you good in science today?

Pearl: No! Of course, I am wiser now, and so I know he was either dashing me marks or answering the questions for me at home after every quiz.

DBM: Did he use protection with you?

Pearl: Yes, for the most part.

DBM: How many times did sex happen between you two?

Pearl: About 15 times.

DBM: How old was he?

Pearl: Early 30’s.

DBM: At what age was your first abortion?

Pearl: 17

DBM: Second?

Pearl: 19

DBM: Third?

Pearl: 23

DBM: And the last one?

Pearl: 25

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 17?

Pearl: My science teacher. He helped me get an abortion

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 19?

Pearl: My second boyfriend. My third boyfriend got me pregnant at 23, and the fourth guy at 25.

DBM: How many guys have you been with?

Pearl: They will not be up to 20

DBM: Do you regret aborting those pregnancies?

Pearl: I have no regrets. My parents did not educate me on sex, men, relationships and the responsibilities involved. There was no way I could have been prepared for a pregnancy or motherhood.

DBM: I see.

Pearl: My only biggest fear is the thought of being barren due to my past activities.

DBM: I doubt whether or not having abortions can affect your chances of becoming pregnant. You can experience normal pregnancy.

Pearl: Really?

DBM: Really! I know a dozen female friends who have aborted several pregnancies, but are mothers today.

Pearl: Hmmm! Dave, I need to give my husband a child. He wants a child so badly; I sometimes feel like I am denying him his dreamed family life.

DBM: What are your doctors saying?

Pearl: That, we’re both fine and can have babies at any time.

DBM: He knows about the abortions?

Pearl: My doctor?

DBM: Yes

Pearl: He was the one who detected that a womb infection I developed years ago hadn’t been properly treated. He realized I had had abortions before even telling him.

DBM: Is it treated now?

Pearl: Yes!

DBM: Good.

Pearl: Why do I feel like I am being punished for this?

DBM: Punished by whom?

Pearl: God.

DBM: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us.” I don’t know where it is in the Bible, but it’s in the Bible for sure.

Pearl: Do you believe it?

DBM: I do. GOD’S mercy is beyond comprehension. And, His mercy endures forever.

Pearl: Hmmm! I don’t know about that.

DBM: Don’t miss out on GOD’S gift of forgiveness. It’s the realest promise I know. You’re not the only one doing, or might have done things that aren’t pleasing to GOD. We all sin

Pearl: Four abortions is a lot of sin. Keeping it from my husband is another lie I live with

DBM: You’re a Christian, no?

Pearl: I am

DBM: Jesus took on all four of your abortions and the secret you still keep from your husband today on Himself, and paid for it on the cross by dying for you. The moment you choose to accept this truth, His forgiveness automatically becomes yours to take. His forgiveness is limitless, so start looking at your situation from the point of view of GOD.

Pearl: If you say so

DBM: Pearl, all of your sins have been forgiven. It does not matter whether or not you’re yet to commit it. Engage with GOD in your own way, and ask Him for grace and mercy. He is more than able to change the gray areas of your life for the very best.

Pearl: But what if I never get pregnant? Because it’s putting strains on my marriage. My husband wants a family

DBM: The life you are building with your husband, and the marriage you have, is a family. There is more to your marriage. Children are just an aspect of it. Make good use of the man in your life, the love you have for him, the excitement in marriage; the challenges, the dreams you both share, and just be looking forward to what the future holds – even if children aren’t a part of it.

Pearl: You are not a woman, and so I don’t expect you to understand.

DBM: I had a schoolmate, Cynthia. A very decent young woman, super intelligent. She got married to a very nice guy many years ago. She died two years after her wedding. Complications through childbirth. And, this was her first pregnancy.

Pearl: What happened to her child?

DBM: He died in the process. Pearl, the most rewarding part of marriage isn’t children. At least, that’s how I think. It takes a lot of work to have a happy marriage. Why is that not rather your priority?

Pearl: What would you have done if you were in my husband’s shoes?

DBM: I’d focus on my emotional connection and intimacy with you. I would find ways to keep alive the passion and desire for one another. Your inability to have a child shouldn’t be the reason why you’re not able to enjoy your husband. Your past, present, fears, pain, regrets, joy and whatnot, are all indicators that you’re indeed, living a human experience. Your husband ought to be able to embrace all of this, and still be glad he chose you for a wife.

Pearl: Would you have wanted me to tell you about my abortions, if you were my husband?

DBM: If I had chosen you as the partner to spend the rest of my life with, children would not have been my reason to change on you. And yes, I would have wanted to be in the known concerning your abortions. I will be shocked, and probably mad; I would definitely attribute our inability to have kids to your abortions, but I know myself so well; I will never judge you nor your past decisions. Because I wasn’t there to have had the opportunity to protect your innocence. I wasn’t there to have showed you what true love really meant. I would not have been reckless with you – if I were in your past experiences.

Pearl: Would you have forgiven me?

DBM: I would have, so far as you would be communicating truth with love and grace.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Ladybird

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 50: Ladybird

DBM: Hi Ladybird. How would you describe yourself?

Ladybird: I have my shit together. I am a strong woman

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ladybird: My father’s straightforward dishonesty has had a mammoth effect on my opinions of men. I am supposed to be getting married in March, and I can’t find it in me to believe my fiancé is any different from my father.

DBM: What did your father do to you?

Ladybird: It’s not about what he did to me, but what he put my mother through. My father is the kindest man I’ve ever seen, but he’s not been faithful to my mother – for as long as I can remember. He takes risks for other women, but never for my mother.

DBM: Is your mother his wife?

Ladybird: Yes! They’ve been married for 37 years

DBM: What has your father’s character got to do with your man?

Ladybird: They’re good friends. In fact, my dad calls him ‘son’. Dave, ‘show me your friend…’

DBM: ‘And I will show you your future’

Ladybird: Thank you! My dad has so much influence on my guy, and my fiancé also knows about the deeds on my father. He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his behavior. One of his colleagues at work told me just recently, that my guy used to introduce single ladies to my dad.

DBM: How long has he known your dad?

Ladybird: Longer than I have known him. He used to work for dad. I love my father, don’t get me wrong, but I do not trust him.

DBM: I understand what you mean

Ladybird: I feel like I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life

DBM: You’re talking about marriage?

Ladybird: Yes! Since I found out my man used to introduce girls to my dad, I can’t help but to look at the both of them with disgust.

DBM: Have you asked him about the gossip fed to you?

Ladybird: I have. He laughed and said, ‘don’t mind them’

DBM: Lady, people around us judge us from their perceptions and opinions of what or who they think we are. If we are to simply jump on, or believe every observation made about us by people who do not have a clue about our upbringing, and allow what they say to impact our experiences with the people we care about, then it’s going to be hard for you to love on anyone based on your own truth about them.

Ladybird: I get that part

DBM: You need to know and experience people for yourself, without somebody else throwing reasons in your face

Ladybird: My father is a liar, and a cheat. Nobody’s opinion informed me on this. He’s repeatedly broken the trust that he’s entitled to in his marriage to my mother.

DBM: Noted! How about your boyfriend, has he given you any reason to doubt him?

Ladybird: Not really, but I suspect he is no different from my father

DBM: How so?

Ladybird: He is often on his phone, and some calls and texts are taken outside. He ignores certain phone calls when he is seated next to me. And, just like my father, he is of the opinion that a man has the right to do whatever he wants. He can be very self-centered.

DBM: How long have you guys been dating?

Ladybird: Four years.

DBM: I see

Ladybird: He is the ‘Mr. I know it all’, just like my father. He also drinks a lot. I hate to be making all these comparisons at this crucial time of my engagement, but he’s also a charmer. He will charm the panties off any woman.

DBM: Then, he may be doing just that.

Ladybird: Exactly what I have been thinking all this while. Dave, I am not assuming on him, but I strongly feel he is able to lie to me just as easily as my father does with my mom. Whenever he comes home, he has very little to discuss about his life outside. He would rather talk about other unimportant issues than to speak about his real activities in the day. Because he doesn’t want to be caught up in his web of lies, should he speak more

DBM: He is not your father’s image; I hope you know that?

Ladybird: I know

DBM: Good! What about him made you accept his proposal?

Ladybird: I was first attracted to his style of dressing, impeccable. I also liked that he put his family first at all times. I liked the way he spoke, and he’s a smart-ass.

DBM: Okay! Do you love him?

Ladybird: I do, and I am scared

DBM: Why are you scared?

Ladybird: I feel like he’s going to let me down already.

DBM: We are all capable of letting people down. People fail us, just as we sometimes also disappoint others. No one is perfect. The question you need to be asking yourself is, is your guy the type that would rather choose not to display these negative attributes in order not to betray your trust in him?

Ladybird: I don’t trust him 100%

DBM: Are you going ahead with your wedding in March?

Ladybird: Would you, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: If I am in love with you, then I should be able to count on you to be reliable; I should be able to count on you to have my back; to do what is right and do right by me. Those are the only conditions that would inspire me to want to take the next step in a relationship.

Ladybird: I doubt my guy, and I am not sure about his fidelity and dependability.

DBM: Fair enough. However, do not forget that he is not solely responsible for creating the distrustful feelings you’re entertaining. You’re equally to take responsibility due to the effect your father’s way of life has had on you.

Image Credit: Polina Kovaleva

Let’s Talk To Savior

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 48: Let me choose Savior

DBM: Hi Savior. How would you describe yourself?

Savior: I don’t know how to say no, and mean it when my infatuation level is raised to the power ⁶. I find myself always stringing a number of women by my side.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Savior: I am doing things that I regret, and I don’t know if that makes me a bad husband

DBM: Your wife knows about these things you are regretting?

Savior: No!

DBM: What have you been up to?

Savior: I get bored easily with one woman, and it’s been so with every serious relationship I’ve tried to be in. My wife came across as the woman who could probably change me for the best, but as it stands now, marriage feels like a prison. I’ve been with other women, and I am beginning to feel sorry for my wife – because she doesn’t deserve what I am doing to her.

DBM: Do you still believe your wife inspires you to be your best self?

Savior: I know she does but …

DBM: What kind of feelings and experiences have you created with your wife?

Savior: Dave, I do sweet things with my wife. We have a good relationship, and I have found incredible joy being with her because I feel listened to. We talk about our wants freely, and I make her orgasm and pleasure my priority in bed. She does same for me. I am supposed to be content, because I feel happy, loved and valued, and I know she feels the same way too because I do everything according to how she likes it.

DBM:  Does she do everything according to how you like it?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: So, what’s the problem?

Savior: I’ve slept with one of the teachers at my children’s school; I’ve slept with one of my wife’s close friends; two of our church members etc.

DBM: The list goes on?

Savior: Yeah! And I lie to my wife a lot to cover things up because I care about her feelings

DBM: I’m trying to understand why a man claiming to be happy at home, and with his wife – because she puts his needs and interests first, still looks elsewhere for something he already has?

Savior: What do I do?

DBM: Tell me about your upbringing; what was your experience like with your parents and siblings?

Savior: It was normal, nothing spectacular. Though my parents separated along the way because my father had to marry my best friend’s mother.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Savior: It was weird at first, because they were already doing things with each other.

DBM: As in, before your father left your mother?

Savior: Yeah. She was also married

DBM: To your friend’s father?

Savior: Yeah! They had a simple church wedding and they moved on with their lives.

DBM: How did you feel when you watched them vow to be faithful to one other?

Savior: I didn’t think it was going to last. They’re no longer married.

DBM: Where is your dad?

Savior: Dead

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Savior: It’s okay!

DBM: How is your step-mother doing?

Savior: She left my dad a long time ago. We’re not related in that way any more

DBM: Why did she leave your father?

Savior: I have five different siblings, and he had them with five different women.

DBM: Nobody is perfect

Savior: I know

DBM: And mistakes are part of life

Savior: Yeah! I think I feel bad because my wife thinks I am nothing like my father

DBM: She knows about his life?

Savior: Yeah, I told her, and I am afraid it would not be an easy thing to forget if she finds out I am also a cheater.

DBM: Your wife would have to live with such stress

Savior: And I don’t want to stress her.

DBM: You’ve been in numerous relationships in the past that didn’t work out, no?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: Why didn’t it work out?

Savior: They weren’t the right women for me

DBM: Even with those who desperately wanted it to work out with you?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Savior: She was the one for me

DBM: Is she still the one?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: You love your wife?

Savior: I love my wife. That’s why I don’t want to fail her. I don’t want her to be disappointed in me. I don’t want her to reject my love because of what I am doing. I don’t want to lose my wife.

DBM: But everything you don’t want to happen to you so far, has absolutely nothing to do with love.

Savior: What has it got to do with?

DBM: All I am sensing is fear; you’re also blinded by your ego, I think.

Savior: I don’t have an ego problem

DBM: I see. Do you trust yourself to do right by your wife?

Savior: I know I can try my best

DBM: And, would your best be good enough to sustain the relationship whims and caprices that you so much want to come true?

Savior: I don’t understand what you mean

DBM: Your wife is not the best match for you

Savior: She is, Dave, you’re wrong about this one

DBM: How do you feel about yourself when you’re with your wife?

Savior: I already told you

DBM: Let me tell you what I think you have thus far, made me understand; your marriage, though good, suffocates you

Savior: I didn’t say that

DBM: You feel like you’re always walking on egg shells after returning from one of your hook-ups.

Savior: Those are your words, not mine. Lol!

DBM: So, you mean to say you do not feel like you are hurting your wife with all the affairs, secrets and lies you’re unable to come clean with, because it’s something you’re not proud of?

Savior: Well…

DBM: You need to help you in order to save your own self, Savior. Fortunately, this decision is largely in your control. But assuming you are unable to not be like your father… then own it. You at least owe your wife this truth.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim

Let’s Talk To Nat

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 47: I would like to go by Nat

DBM: Hello Nat. How would you describe yourself?

Nat: I am a 37-year-old father with three great kids; I am also a husband. A very generous person, passionate and with the desire to succeed in life through fair means. I am a risk taker and I possess the willingness to do everything for the success of my family.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nat: Hey, can we make it another time please? I have not been feeling well

DBM: Alright! But what’s wrong with you?

Nat: I wanted us to do it but my mind is not fully focused at the moment

DBM: I understand

Nat: I feel I have made a mistake marrying my wife, even though I knew her and have been with her for a while. I had a baby with her before traveling to the States. I didn’t really look at the other side of her being a helper

DBM: Meaning?

Nat: Meaning she isn’t putting in an effort. You know how as a man, you really want to take risks in order to be successful; but when the other partner isn’t buying into those ideas, it becomes frustrating and kind of, drags you backwards.

DBM: I can imagine, hmmm! What kinds of risks do you want to take?

Nat: A lot Dave. I really want to start being my own boss, exploring other adventures; but nothing of that sort is happening. You know life is very short, and I would like to fulfill something in order to achieve much of what I want. I wouldn’t like to say I made a mistake marrying her, but most of the times, that is how I feel.

DBM: Hmmm!

Nat: I have tried talking to her but she has lost a lot of spark that – I can’t really figure out what is really going on

DBM: Do you think she’s also not happy with you, or the marriage?

Nat: I definitely feel so, but you and I know how our communities’ frown on divorce. She isn’t happy, yet she’s scared to let it go. Primarily, it might be based on the kids

DBM: I see

Nat: For sure she’s not happy, but she’s pretending to be, and that is killing me gradually

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Nat: Very good question. Her educational background isn’t great but when I met her, I tried so hard making sure she furthers her education. All attempts failed. She is a beautician now. No disrespect to her career, but I feel she can do more.

DBM: She’s with you in the States?

Nat: Yes. I brought her and my older daughter about three years ago

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I have tried to upgrade her by encouraging her to enroll in classes and stuff, to elevate her to a level where it would be good for the both of us, but all attempts have failed. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. She literally can’t stand or survive on her own, nor take care of herself. She cannot even take good care of the kids; therefore, I feel overburdened. I have to do almost everything in the family.

DBM: What are her interests?

Nat: I wish I can pinpoint what really interests her Dave

DBM: Do you know what she would like or want to do with her life?

Nat: Great question! I have asked her on countless occasions or during our discussions, but she seems not to know what she really wants to do with her life. I had to take risks to get to where I am at the moment. I am successful when it comes to my career. I have been accomplishing things because I want to give my wife and my children a good life. I wish she were on the same level with me. I would have been a happy man

DBM: What made you want to pursue her in marriage?

Nat: She’s was faithful to me even though I didn’t have anything when we met. I was just a student at the time. She wasn’t those types of ladies that would jump from one man to the other, cheating and engaging themselves in those dangerous attitudes. But now, I have realized I want more. I want my wife to be a goal getter, a woman who is not scared to take risks; a lady with a purpose in life. A woman who can support me in ways that can make me feel more relaxed, even when I am not around. Someone who can make decisions that are sound to help our kids and herself, you know?

DBM: No two people are the same. This is what you chose for a wife. How best do you think you can make do with who she is – assuming, she’s never going to change for you?

Nat: Hmmm! That’s a difficult question. I have been trying to psych her up. For instance, she took driving lessons in Ghana, before coming her. She has taken two driving lessons in addition to what she had back home. I knew there wasn’t any improvement, but she forced me to buy her a car. Eventually, I did buy her a brand new 2022 car. Guess what? She can’t drive the car. It is still parked in the garage, and I have been the one driving her around. To and from work. I wish to help her to be independent but I feel her mindset is kind of weak. It’s been a struggle to change or groom her to be who I really want her to be. Anytime she moves the car, she gets into an accident. I really want her to be successful and independent in life, so if I am not around, she can afford to take care of the children.

DBM: That’s understandable. Do you feel your life would be way better without her by your side?

Nat: Sometimes, that is how I feel, but I also feel each person comes with their own luck in our lives. Even though I wasn’t successful before she migrated to the United States, I often feel her luck is also part of the reasons why I am where I am at the moment in life. Some ladies can really ruin one’s life with a lot of bad luck. It could be that I would have been better or not… But I seriously don’t know if she is destined for me. If she is destined for me, then she has to change a little to make me happy as a man, because at this very moment, I am scared for us.

DBM: I heard my mother once tell a man who had come to discuss his plan to divorce his wife, that, ‘a good wife is a man’s covering. She may not be a perfect wife, however, keeping to her can be a good thing – because you obtain favor’

Nat: That is absolutely for sure

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Nat: Yes, I do. I love her for her patience, her respectful nature, her sense of humor, the care and other qualities. But I need her to lift herself to make me proud.

DBM: Are you in love with your wife? I mean, aside the fact that she’s not making you any prouder

Nat: I am not really in love with her

DBM: Are you in love with someone else?

Nat: No!

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I just want her to be the woman I dreamt of, so things can get better for us all.

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust to speak with you?

Nat: That would be wonderful

DBM: I will publish our conversation on Friday, the 27th of January. I will get him to read it, so he gets to have a fair idea of you, and then, you can WhatsApp him afterwards.

Nat: Awesome! Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Thirdman

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

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