Embrace Instead Of Fear
Edna: I’ve ruined my kids’ lives Dave. I feel like I have failed my children.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your children?
Edna: 13 and 8
DBM: What is making you come to such a conclusion?
Edna: I’ve made some really bad choices that are reflecting on my children
DBM: What kind of choices?
Edna: Marriage. These feelings of failure I have is a struggle, Dave.
DBM: That you’re married?
Edna: No. Their father and I divorced and I am beginning to think the divorce has become the gasoline that is making the fire explode in our children.
DBM: How so?
Edna: Their unhinged behavior since the divorce. One is always sad and withdrawn, while the boy is either angry or confused all the time. I don’t know how to fix it, Dave
DBM: You can’t fix it, unfortunately. I am sorry about how events are suddenly unfolding in your life.
Edna: It’s a challenge for me
DBM: I can only imagine but you know it’s okay to sometimes feel worried, no? It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry sometimes. You can teach your children how to normalize some of these difficult feelings – since you feel them yourself too. You know how to not let it control you. Teach your children the ‘how’ and let them come to the realization that, these uncomfortable feelings come and go.
Edna: Ok
DBM: I think GOD designed marriage to help us grow in another way or form. That growth, sometimes come about or happens outside of the marriage itself. Divorce is a form of change in our relationships that we ought to learn as a people to embrace instead of fearing it. You’re a single mother now, and that is not a bad thing. Your past experience in marriage is now challenging you to grow yourself into a different kind of woman, and mother that you could not have anticipated. I do not count such a phase in someone’s life as failure.
Edna: But this is not what I dreamed for my family.
DBM: Often, we feel like marriage is an either/or scenario.
Edna: Is it not?
DBM: If you had continued to stay married to the father of your children, would it have helped you to live the life you want?
Edna: I don’t know
DBM: Okay, tell me something you know for a fact: would you have grown out of your spousal identity if you had stayed married to him?
Edna: Yes
DBM: That would have been failure in my opinion. Staying in a marriage that sucks the very life and peace of mind out of you.
Edna: Hmmm
DBM: Why did you divorce?
Edna: There was too much emotional and verbal abuse. Then he cheated and I cheated back. It’s a whole lot Dave, and it was very depressing for me.
DBM: You made a bold choice to end depression. That is not failure. You made a choice to end suffering. Abuse in any way or form is not a healthy thing.
Edna: Right
DBM: Is your ex-husband a good father to his children?
Edna: He’s not perfect but he’s a good father.
DBM: What makes him a good father?
Edna: He’s very nurturing and supportive. He’s consistently been present for them. When he shows up, his focus is only on his children and they love that. I know he looks forward to their future and would move heaven and earth until things are better for them.
DBM: The best gift a father or mother can give to their children is themselves.
Edna: I do the best I can for my children. He does his best for them too. He’s just not a great man for me to love
DBM: And that’s okay. We all want our children to become good men and women. This will only happen if we model that for them ourselves. You have a daughter?
Edna: I do
DBM: Would you want for her to someday, pick the right guy to date and marry?
Edna: Of course,
DBM: Your next relationship and choice of a man is the opportunity to show her what the right guy and relationship look like in real time. You claim your ex-husband is a good father. A good father, regardless of a difficult divorce, treats the mother of his children with respect. That is the tone of kindness and reverence a decent man would set for how his children would view and treat their mother. Through kind words, perception and behavior.
Edna: I can’t say much about that
DBM: Do you speak well of him in his absence to your children?
Edna: I do.
DBM: Good!
Edna: It’s the disappointment in myself I struggle to deal with
DBM: Divorce is a stressful experience. I have friends going through it; I have friends who have gone through it. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy for them or their children. It’s an upheaval to a child’s idea of home, their normal, everyday routines and most importantly, their understanding of what a family structure should look like. It would raise a ton of strong feelings in any child. But as I said earlier, divorce, I believe is a form of change for you the mother or father to model to your children that it is probable to come through tough situations and still feel stronger as a result.
Image Credit: Planet E Elevene
