Tag: Friendship

The Waakye Seller

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good evening, David. I want to share my love story but keep me anonymous. I have been married to the same woman for 16 years. She’s the lady seated next to me on my profile picture. I have not known any other woman but her. Before I met my wife, I was always praying for the perfect woman to marry. My wife used to sell waakye for her madam. She helped her cook it and then, she would come and sell. She had set her shop in a busy area near where I used to work.

I always thought she was beautiful but never gathered the courage to tell her. I was one of her loyal customers and she knew exactly how much I was going to spend every time it reached my turn to be served. We got to that stage of knowing each other on a first name basis. She was very popular in the neighborhood because of two things; the food was good and she was pretty. Every guy wanted to buy from her. I got jealous a few times I was in line to buy waakye because she knew almost all the guys by their first names. And the kinds of cars that would park by the roadside just to buy waakye. I felt some of the men wanted to flex with their rides just to catch her attention.

I was next in queue behind a ‘big’ man she was attending to who was asking her a number of personal questions. The man was assuring he could provide nice things for her if she would agree to date him. When I heard him say that, I remembered I also dress to look good just for her. It wasn’t completely for waakye or work. All the corporate guys in the queue were saying the right things and doing the right things to catch her attention. She finished serving the ‘big’ man and for the first time she asked, ‘Kwabena, what do you want?’

She realized I was fuming with jealousy. I wondered what she meant by ‘what did I want!’ Because she had already started topping my usual order with stew, eggs, gari, wele, shito and salad; wrapped in the banana leaf. She handed my food to me, took the money and whispered, “I want to know how you feel. I want to connect with your heart. All I desire is security and trust.”

From that day, I knew I had to pursue her because she was valuable enough to catch my full attention. She saw me beyond the customer she had retained. The fact that she liked me too made me want to be the perfect man for her at all cost. My focus shifted that day on the kind of life I wanted to live, and most importantly, the kind of boyfriend and husband I wanted to be. My favorite waakye seller was an amazing woman and I had to become an amazing man in order to love her well.

I have been a man of my word in the 16 years we’ve been together in holy matrimony. Not once have I dropped a vow because a beautiful woman gave me attention and opportunity. Not once have I considered backing out on my marriage or family or commitments. When we officially decided to be exclusive, I stopped flirting with other women. I was no longer casual texting or communicating with old and new flames. I stopped my eyes from lingering and wandering.

Some of us grew up watching parents do marriage anyhow. My father did not know how to do marriage right with my mother, and because of that, could not teach me what they did not know. So, when I got married, I made a decision to love everything about my waakye seller. The sacrifices this woman has made for me and our children; even how she runs our household. Whenever she shows up for me with intimacy, I am nothing but excited and happy to be one with her. Dave, my wife knows she cannot fail with me by her side and I am always validating and appreciating the little she does for me and the children. Not once have I made her feel unattractive. She’s beautiful and sexy and she’s comfortable flaunting all her assets before me. I have no expectations about how the mother of my children should look, perform in bed or even behave. We should not be the men burdening our wives because I am not.

Image Credit: Darkshade Photos

Let’s Talk To Wacian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 178: Wacian

DBM: Hi Wacian. How would you describe yourself?

Wacian: A man that God is with and for, and is fighting for me every single moment of every single day.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wacian: 9.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wacian: My friend died last year. He lived abroad. He used to stay with me anytime he visited Gh, till he built his own house. No member of his family knows about this property. He had his reasons for keeping it a secret. I have the main keys while he kept a spare. Now that he’s no more, I want to take over the property but my wife is accusing me of attempting to steal.

DBM: Are you attempting to steal it?

Wacian: No

DBM: Did he will it in your name?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why do you want to claim it as your own?

Wacian: Because he gave the house deed to me to keep safe

DBM: Was he married?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: He had children?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: How old are they?

Wacian: They’re not babies. That’s the best I can say

DBM: How long was he married?

Wacian: More than 10 years

DBM: Why are you not giving specific answers?

Wacian: Someone who may have known him can connect the dots

DBM: Is this the only property he’s built in Ghana?

Wacian: He has another house that his siblings and parents live in. His wife knows of that one

DBM: Why did he build this house you want take?

Wacian: He had plans of having another child with another woman and raising a second family here.

DBM: Does the other woman know of this building?

Wacian: No

DBM: So, there is another woman?

Wacian: Lol! Other women. He hadn’t settled on one yet

DBM: I see. Is your wife close to his wife or family?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why not?

Wacian: She didn’t like him

DBM: Why is that?

Wacian: She thought he was a bad influence on me

DBM: Was he?

Wacian: No

DBM: How big is this property?

Wacian: It’s an open-floor plan, four bedrooms with high vaulted ceilings, five bathrooms, outdoor spaces and an attached garage. It has an eat-in-kitchen

DBM: Aside raising another family, why do you think he kept such a project from his family of orientation?

Wacian: I don’t know. All he said was, he was building this one just for himself

DBM: There are no secrets in this life, just hidden truths. You know that, no?

Wacian: Dave, we were like brothers. What’s mine was his. That was our brotherly code

DBM: What was his was yours if he wanted it to be

Wacian: I have the house deed

DBM: Why is your wife against this decision?

Wacian: My wife is type always wanting to be the smartest person in the room. She makes everything into an argumentation context just to prove a point. Her first impulse is always to counter any idea I would propose, only to build unnecessary arguments around it.

DBM: Let me guess, a brilliant idea like stealing someone else’s home?

Wacian: You’re funny

DBM: Do I sound funny?

Wacian: Dave, if I said to my wife right now that the sky was blue, she would look up, see blue, and still tell me no, it’s gray

DBM: Hmmm!

Wacian: My friend’s wife is the same. She broke something in him

DBM: Broke what?

Wacian: His jar of marital happiness

DBM: Is yours too broken?

Wacian: Almost. That’s why a lot of men cannot rely on just their wives to make them happy

DBM: I can only imagine the sheer frustration your wife lives in with you, as her husband

Wacian: You don’t know me like that, boss

DBM: Many of us men, unfortunately, do not care. And, that’s the big problem. No woman or partner can fix the good values you have chosen to break in you. We all now tend to put our own selfish desires ahead of what’s right. Our partners no longer are not enough for us because we’d rather prefer to be validated and valued by strangers.

Wacian: Smh!

DBM: Participant 177, Ana, left a question for you ‘If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?’

Wacian: I actually left a job that I hated, yet was paying me the most, to do a job I absolutely love, but is paying me the least. To answer your question, yes, I’d still be doing what I am doing for work now. I am doing what I am passionate about.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wacian: Do you believe in luck?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Ozigbodi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 150: Ozigbodi

DBM: Hi Ozigbodi. How would you describe yourself?

Ozigbodi: My life involves growth

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ozigbodi: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ozigbodi: I smile now, and for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I feel so comfortable with myself. I think I am in love, but I am not so sure. How does it feel like to fall in love?

DBM: Is this your first relationship?

Ozigbodi: No

DBM: Is it your first time feeling this way with a man?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: How long have you known this person?

Ozigbodi: We’ve been friends for nine years

DBM: What type of friendship?

Ozigbodi: He is my boss at work. Acquaintances, no strings attached. But I knew the first day we talked in his office, that we were going to be great friends. He felt comfortable talking to me about his personal issues; with time, I was also able to put my walls down to trust him with my personal information.

DBM: Was he single when you first met?

Ozigbodi: He is a divorcee

DBM: Okay! So, single then?

Ozigbodi: To the best of my knowledge, yes. We’ve grown closer in the years as best friends.

DBM: Are you having sex with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: For how long?

Ozigbodi: Since 2017

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: I used to be married too

DBM: How long were you married?

Ozigbodi: 5 years. We divorced in 2014

DBM: What led to the end of your marriage?

Ozigbodi: It was really not anyone’s fault. My ex-husband was a great man. We were just not compatible. We were two very different people and our priorities couldn’t align. That’s what I think broke our marriage.

DBM: To the extent that it was beyond repair?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: So, on what grounds was the divorce filed?

Ozigbodi: Incompatibility

DBM: You had kids?

Ozigbodi: Yes, two

DBM: Are you compatible with the new relationship?

Ozigbodi: I am the first person he calls to share every detail of his day with. And, this has been him since we both realized our friendship was good for us.

DBM: Can you date back to this particular day?

Ozigbodi: Yes, it was the 19th of September, 2012. A Wednesday, to be precis

DBM: This is the date you also knew there could be more to the friendship?

Ozigbodi: Yes! I found myself acknowledging that he was the first person I would call every evening, to share every detail of my day with. Even though we worked at the same firm. My ex-husband also seemed to have found his person he enjoyed sharing details of his day with.

DBM: Do you know why your current guy got divorced?

Ozigbodi: Yes, adultery or cheating

DBM: With whom?

Ozigbodi: Not sure. I didn’t want details

DBM: But he did the cheating?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: Alright!

Ozigbodi: He has made the effort to reorganize and reimage his life to please me. What will make me happy is his priority now. I do same for him.

DBM: Good for the both of you. So, what’s the way forward?

Ozigbodi: I want marriage

DBM: You’ve discussed it with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: And?

Ozigbodi: I’ve told him I cannot imagine dating him for all these years, doing the cohabiting thing, and giving him and our relationship my everything without him also considering putting a ring on it.

DBM: Is marriage what he wants?

Ozigbodi: Not at the moment

DBM: But it’s a possibility?

Ozigbodi: I don’t know. I know he wants to have a child with me. I know he enjoys being intimate with me. I know he wants to make and share a home with me

DBM: But he doesn’t want to make you, his wife?

Ozigbodi: Hmmm!

DBM: Is he financially fit?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: What’s his concern?

Ozigbodi: He thinks marriage will twinge his current lifestyle.

DBM: Which is what?

Ozigbodi: Late-night out with his friends, and the freedom to do whatever makes him happy

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: He doesn’t want a situation where he has to go through another divorce. He’s also told me he feels comfortable with the security of his financial assets if no woman is his wife. He says a wife will take all his money if there is to be a divorce

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Ozigbodi: Do I need marriage to legitimize my relationship with my boyfriend?

DBM: I know many people who are okay committing their lives to their partners outside of marriage. Question is, is that what you want?

Ozigbodi: No!

DBM: Participant 149, Sipho, left a question for you: ‘how do you evaluate success?’

Ozigbodi: When I am authentic in my dealings while loving what I do. I feel like a success right now because I am committed to what I love.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ozigbodi: What has been on your heart or mind lately?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Adrienne Andersen

Let’s Talk To Ira

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 131: Ira

DBM: Hello Ira. How would you describe yourself?

Ira: I have to have money

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ira: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ira: My wife doesn’t want to be married again but I do. How do I get her to want to stay married?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ira: 7 years

DBM: Seven good or bad years?

Ira: It’s not been an easy journey but it wasn’t all that bad

DBM: Why does she want out?

Ira: She says I do not meet all of her needs

DBM: Meaning?

Ira: She’s not happy

DBM: What were her expectations of you and the marriage?

Ira: I don’t know

DBM: You have to ask her

Ira: She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings at the moment

DBM: Did she have any ‘problems’ with you prior to getting married?

Ira: Everybody had a problem or two with their significant others before marriage

DBM: Those problems do not go away after the wedding, you know that, no?

Ira: I know

DBM: You need to find out why she’s not happy

Ira: That’s the problem, she’s not able to point out the specifics. All she says is, ‘this marriage is not serving my best interest. I am not happy. I will be better off single’

DBM: Do you believe she would be happy as a single woman?

Ira: We have children, Dave. I feel that our personal pursuit for happiness shouldn’t be the first priority. The kids are

DBM: I disagree

Ira: Why?

DBM: Did you marry her because of children?

Ira: Not really

DBM: Why did you get married?

Ira: Because she used to make me happy and vice versa

DBM: So, which of you stopped trying as hard to keep the other happy?

Ira: I’d say she did

DBM: Why is that?

Ira: She became all about the children. She put me second.

DBM: Who is your first now?

Ira: Certainly not my wife

DBM: There’s a new first?

Ira: I am willing to drop her for my wife and start all over again if she’s open to making our marriage a priority.

DBM: In other words, your marriage is currently on autopilot?

Ira: Something like that

DBM: I can understand why it’s failing for the both of you

Ira: Marriage is difficult, Dave.

DBM: Because marriage in itself automatically creates problems. It is rife with its own issues

Ira: And I miss being single sometimes

DBM: You miss being single because when you’re a bachelor, you only make decisions for yourself; you’re focused on you and what keeps you excited. If you have a wife, you put your marriage first. Seven years into the marriage and your love is already dwindling?

Ira: Not mine, hers

DBM: Do you know what your wife wants or needs in order to be happy?

Ira: I think so, but I do not want to start something I know I cannot sustain

DBM: Is whatever it is above and beyond your ability?

Ira: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the catch?

Ira: I have my needs and wants too

DBM: And, at what point can the two of you consider compromising?

Ira: I was the one always compromising till I got fed up

DBM: I bet your wife would say same?

Ira: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the way forward?

Ira: I want to stay married

DBM: To?

Ira: My wife of course, who else? Lol!

DBM: Why are you sleeping with the other lady?

Ira: I am not. She’s someone I used to date

DBM: And?

Ira: I sometimes miss what we used to have

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

Ira: Yes, she’s also married

DBM: Why is she the someone you enjoy talking to?

Ira: Dave, before I met and married my wife, I had a life and friends of my own.

DBM: Now you’re married, you have children, your priorities change. You focus changes. Even your energy changes

Ira: My friendship with this woman is what is keeping me levelheaded

DBM: Have you explained this to your wife?

Ira: She thinks there is something going on between us

DBM: What ingredients constitute this friendship?

Ira: It’s a beautiful bond we share. We’re good friends, committed to what we have; there is respect, trust and service; we love on the level of the love and attention we give each other.

DBM: Is there something else beyond friendship going on?

Ira: Yes, but we have no plans pursuing an affair

DBM: If you say ‘we’, you mean you’ve both identified the on-going chemistry and its probability of infringing upon your boundaries?

Ira: Yes. I don’t want to be pressured to cut her off

DBM: Is the friendship worth losing your marriage?

Ira: She’s no bad energy

DBM: Are you still in love with her?

Ira: I care about her

DBM: What does that mean?

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Is your ex inserting herself between you and your wife?

Ira: No

DBM: Are you inserting yourself between your ex and her husband?

Ira: I don’t think so

DBM: So, say a definite ‘No!’

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Are you pursuing your wife as much as you’re invested in whatever it is you share with this your lady friend?

Ira: I try

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Ira: I think so

DBM: Do you value her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you cherish her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you serve her well?

Ira: I do the best I can

DBM: Do you know the best and worst of your wife, and still love her anyways?

Ira: I love her

DBM: Participant 130, Dofi, left a question for you: ‘Is it ever OKAY to lie?’

Ira: Sometimes. If you’re married to someone like my wife, lying the right way to her is what actually builds her trust in me. It’s all about when and how you tell the lie. When the intention behind what I’m saying to her is good, nothing else should matter.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ira: Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: David Gomes

Let’s Talk To Noah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 95: Noah

DBM: Hi Noah. How would you describe yourself?

Noah: I respect everyone around me, and I think people enjoy my company; I don’t put people down or deliberately hurt their feelings

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Noah: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Noah: One of my close female friends is dating a guy I believe is not good enough for her. I don’t think she deserves how he sometimes treats her. Unfortunately, I don’t think she sees the bad in him because she’s completely fallen for him, and he knows, and is taking advantage of the opportunity to play her.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Noah: 17 years

DBM: And, for how long has she been dating this guy?

Noah: A year

DBM: How do you know he treats her bad?

Noah: She tells me things

DBM: That he treats her bad?

Noah: Not in those exact words. A friend of mine is close to her boyfriend and he tells me he’s seeing another girl on the side

DBM: You have any receipts?

Noah: Receipts?

DBM: Proof of him seeing another woman?

Noah: No!

DBM: Are you dating?

Noah: I am single

DBM: How old are you?

Noah: 34

DBM: Are you in love with your friend?

Noah: Lol!

DBM: Why are you laughing?

Noah: I am not in love with her

DBM: You think she deserves better, no?

Noah: I do!

DBM: Do you consider yourself a better alternative

Noah: It wouldn’t hurt. She’s my friend and I know her well

DBM: Has she ever come to you to vent about what he’s done to hurt her feelings?

Noah: Many times

DBM: I would suggest you wait for one of such moments to chip in your thoughts about him. Sometimes, unsolicited opinions on relationships are hardly ever welcomed when a friend is in love

Noah: Her mother wants me to date her

DBM: She’s not her mother. She wants to date her boyfriend, let her be

Noah: What if I can make her happy?

DBM: Do you know what she desires in a man?

Noah: Every woman wants a good man; I am a good catch

DBM: Sometimes, good is just not good enough for some people

Noah: But she’s not happy in the relationship. I know this, Dave

DBM: Because she told you she’s not happy?

Noah: Because I know my friend

DBM: You clearly don’t like this guy, do you?

Noah: I don’t; he is bad news and a cheat

DBM: Yet, he’s the one dating her

Noah: He made her abort a pregnancy because he wasn’t ready to be a father. My friend came to my house to cry

DBM: Was your friend ready to become a mother?

Noah: Yes. Now, I don’t know how to comfort her loss

DBM: Comfort her by remaining her best friend. And try as much to be there for her – with a judgement-free attitude and presence till you’ve gotten a sense of where her head is at.

Noah: She wants a man who will love her and marry her. I am that man

DBM: How do you know you’re the one?

Noah: We have an unspoken connection which is intense. Even her mother senses it between us

DBM: Who put this whole idea of you and her in your head?

Noah: How do you mean?

DBM: It was her mother, no?

Noah: No Dave. This is all me. This is a woman who lights up when she’s around me. I am my best version of self when I see her. Will it be selfish on my part to ask her to end things with him so she can choose me? I will be asking this from a place of love and respect for her

DBM: You’re certain it’s not a crush?

Noah: It’s love

DBM: It’s not jealousy because she’s spending more time with her man than with you?

Noah: It’s love

DBM: Are you attracted to her?

Noah: Yes

DBM: Romantically attracted to her?

Noah: Yes

DBM: You’re sure it’s not because you enjoy the time you spend together and the attention – she often gives to you? People sometimes confuse the two for love

Noah: It’s love

DBM: In the past year, have you made genuine attempts to simply be supportive of her relationship with this ‘bad news’ of a boyfriend?

Noah: I have. Do I make my feelings known to her?

DBM: I am sure you have made great decisions before, no?

Noah: Yes!

DBM: Then I trust you will make the best one yet, for you

Noah: What if she doesn’t want to be with me?

DBM: She’s not happy in her relationship, remember? You told me that

Noah: Yeah, but this is a big ‘what if’. What if she doesn’t know she’s not happy in her relationship, though she loves me too?

DBM: You simply respect her decision and do your best to reassemble your life without her

Noah: Life without her will hurt my feelings

DBM: Her love ought to be offered to you for your taking. Till then, learn how to be kind to your heart

Noah: What if I tell you we had sex?

DBM: Noah

Noah: Yeah

DBM: My banku is on fire. I need to go cook

Noah: Oh!

DBM: Have you told this woman that you are in love with her?

Noah: No! But I know she can read the signs written all over me

DBM: She is with her boyfriend because she chooses to be with him. For clarity’s sake, speak with her and ask directly, how she feels about you

Noah: Okay

DBM: When did you two have sex?

Noah: Two or three weeks after the abortion

DBM: Was this a first or you had done it before?

Noah: It was our first time being intimate. We’ve not spoken about it since

DBM: Has it jeopardized the friendship, or there could be that risk of decreasing its quality, someway, somehow?

Noah: I don’t know. We have not spoken since the act

DBM: How long was this?

Noah: February

DBM: 2023?

Noah: Yes

DBM: Wait, was the sex that bad?

Noah: I thought it was great. She left my place smiling

DBM: Smiling at, or with who?

Noah: She just had a smile on her face

DBM: The awkward or ‘Thank you for such an amazing sex’ smile?

Noah: How would I know?

DBM: What if this awkward silence is her inability to tell you – she did not enjoy the sex? You know it can be mortifying to look in the eyes of the one you care about after some bad sex?

Noah: I don’t think it was that bad

DBM: This is what I know, one of you will wind up feeling hurt.

Image Credit: Joice Rivas

Let’s Talk To Israel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 83: Israel is fine by me

DBM: Hi Israel. How would you describe yourself?

Israel: My friends say they can count on me at every turn. They also say I am good looking, funny and have a knack for making others feel good. I am a dreamer, goofy and a goal-chaser.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Israel: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Israel: I share a beautiful escapade with a friend that is arousing so many funny feelings in me. We weren’t supposed to fall in love but I find myself sharing even the slightest moments of my day-to-day with her. I am interested in her interests. It’s crazy to admit but I feel like a teenager again.

DBM: I am happy for you

Israel: Thanks, but not everyone in my camp is digging the idea. She is a single mother of two. I don’t have a child.

DBM: How old are you?

Israel: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Israel: 33

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Israel: Two years

DBM: How do you define the nature of your relationship?

Israel: Our agreement was to have really good sex. I care about her but we were not reliant on our affection. I did not feel answerable to her beyond friendship. It wasn’t frequent sex but it happened when it happened.

DBM: You get laid how many times in a week?

Israel: With her or in general?

DBM: With her

Israel: At least, twice a week

DBM: And in general?

Israel: Four or five times.

DBM: And, it was strictly sex?

Israel: That was the arrangement, and we made sure it wasn’t confused for something deeper. But it’s difficult now for me to get my head around it. I am literally fighting with my feelings and it’s stressing me out.

DBM: Warmth is a huge part of how men sometimes express love

Israel: She’s always on my mind

DBM: Because you want to keep the love alive

Israel: Do you think it’s love?

DBM: If I am consciously or unconsciously, staying in touch with an important part of me that craves physical contact, and I am that much into giving and receiving affection from this person who excites my point of view, then it’s definitely something worth looking into.

Israel: She’s introduced me to her children.

DBM: As her what?

Israel: Friend. Her children are very stubborn, but I like them

DBM: How old are they?

Israel: 11 and 9

DBM: Do you think her children are ready to see their mother with another man who isn’t their father?

Israel: They hug me when they see me. They talk to me on phone when I call their mother. I get along very well with them.

DBM: That’s good then

Israel: I have introduced her to my friends. They like her, as long as she doesn’t become my wife. But their opinions doesn’t count on this subject.

DBM: Smh!

Israel: I don’t know what she’s thinking. She has a busy life. Her job is demanding; mine too but she seems to believe the strictly sex hook-up and our friendship is what works best for her.

DBM: Meaning, you cannot tell whether or not she feels the same way towards you?

Israel: Yeah! She’s afraid of hurting the feelings of her children, so she stays single. They want their mother and father to be together.

DBM: Is she still interested in the guy?

Israel: No, but he wants to come back to her.

DBM: Have you dropped the L-bomb on her?

Israel: Not yet. I don’t know how to drop hints without being too forward.

DBM: What I know is, if I am developing genuine feelings for someone that I believe I care about, I would put it out there – for them to know exactly what is going on with me. Afterall, I have nothing to lose.

Israel: I care about this woman. I care about her children too.

DBM: Send her an admiration text.

Israel: Saying what precisely?

DBM: What’s her name?

Israel: Hannah

DBM: ‘Hannah, I think you are doing an incredible job with your kids. You just came to mind.’

Israel: I like it. Can I send it now?

DBM: If you want to. You stated earlier that your camp isn’t in agreement of her?

Israel: My friends think single-mothers come with a lot baggage. My mother will not be welcoming to the idea of a woman with two children. In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to date her friend’s daughter.

DBM: You may love Hannah to want to commit to her, but are you ready for a relationship like that?

Israel: Is anyone ever ready to jump into a serious relationship?

DBM: Well, one can always challenge themselves to become a man or woman worth loving, no?

Israel: I am worth loving

DBM: Question is, why Hannah?

Israel: Hannah, because I honestly cannot see myself finding anyone like her. I’ve lived a pretty adventurous life and I don’t want to lose the greatest thing that has ever happened to me by far.

DBM: Most of these single-mothers have a sense of fear when it comes to putting themselves out there, and basically, exposing their feelings with the hope of something positive in return.

Israel: I realized that about Hannah

DBM: I have a few friends like your woman, who open up to me about their lives, and so, I have a fair idea as to how they think and feel. These ladies often have been hurt or disappointed by their past relationships, thus, making them have a hard time trusting another man. Nonetheless, they say what’s on their minds as blunt as possible. They hardly would have the time to play any games with your mind. And I know they expect same from you.

Israel: It’s been good talking with you, Dave.

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rhema

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 71: Sister Naomi

DBM: Hi Sister Naomi. How would you describe yourself?

Naomi: I enjoy myself a lot, I value who I am to the highest degree; I cannot be rushed. I have heard people say, I am graceful in my appearance and also in the way I behave towards them. I am a born-again Christian, 31 years of age, single and ready to mingle

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Naomi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Naomi: First of all Dave, let me thank you for this opportunity. I have been following the ‘Let’s Talk To…’ conversations and I am learning a lot from everyone’s experience. It’s been an eye-opener for me. And I love the contents on your blog; it’s different and engaging.

DBM: Appreciated.

Naomi: As I said earlier, I am single and ready to enter into the dating scene for the first time in my life. I love the way you engage the ladies on your platform, and was thinking, maybe you could give me some pointers from your experience with people to guide me.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I hope you know that?

Naomi: I know that

DBM: Good! Is there someone you’re interested in at the moment?

Naomi: I have had a few guys flat-out expressing their interests in me in the past. I wasn’t ready for a relationship then so I let them go. The person I like now, and may want to be in a relationship with, unfortunately isn’t a guy my family or friends would approve of.

DBM: Why is that?

Naomi: He doesn’t have a degree. He is one of the security men at my place of work.

DBM: Why do you like him?

Naomi: I think he’s a nice guy

DBM: Nice as in?

Naomi: The way he talks to me, the way he smiles with me. He takes very good care of my car, and finds ways to compliment me every day. He doesn’t mind going on an errand for me.  He walks me to my car when he’s on duty – after close of work. I’ve caught him a few times stealing glances at me. He keeps me relaxed and accepted.

DBM: How old is he?

Naomi: He is 37 I think

DBM: That’s my age mate. Do you think he likes you as much?

Naomi: If I’m to guess, I’d say yes, he likes me too

DBM: Have you asked him directly if he likes you?

Naomi: No!

DBM: Why not?

Naomi: I can’t

DBM: Why?

Naomi: I don’t want to come off as desperate

DBM: But you would be asking him out of desire, not desperation

Naomi: It’s not that simple.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Naomi: I am a specialist in Programs with an international Agency for Development.

DBM: How long have you been friends with this gentleman?

Naomi: I have known him since 2017

DBM: And, he is single?

Naomi: He is

DBM: He told you that himself?

Naomi: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Naomi: Dave

DBM: Yes?

Naomi: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: Yes please

Naomi: Can you use your personal experience to advise me on what to do next?

DBM: What is next on your itinerary?

Naomi: I love him, and I am in love with him. But I fear that love will not be enough for this situation to work out

DBM: What kind of love do you think you deserve?

Naomi: He makes me feel good. Is that a good answer?

DBM: I think it’s a good answer. It tells me you’re not into him because of who or what he is as a person. The person I am in a relationship with contributes to my happiness. That is a ‘feel-good’ moment, in my opinion.

Naomi: But I don’t know if he loves me too. That’s my biggest problem

DBM: I see. I usually do not base my focus on whether or not someone loves me too. I rather look at the behavior of the person I’m interested in; whether or not their actions towards me are driven or directed by love.

Naomi: That makes perfect sense

DBM: So, going back to your earlier response of him being a ‘nice’ guy, do you think he loves you?

Naomi: He loves me.

DBM: Exactly!

Naomi: How about finances?

DBM: What about it?

Naomi: Should it be a criterion to consider, looking at his current employment and the amount he earns?

DBM: Do you mind me asking your net pay?

Naomi: GHs 12,700

DBM: Would you consider the financial season of your life to be okay, with or without a man’s support?

Naomi: I am financially independent and okay

DBM: Do you know much he earns?

Naomi: I do. It’s not much

DBM: His current job aside, do you see in him potential?

Naomi: He is hardworking and smart.

DBM: Smart how?

Naomi: He has interest in going back to school. He likes to farm too. He’s been giving me some of the vegetables he grows at home. He sells his fresh farm produce to my colleagues. We love buying tomatoes, peppers, garden eggs, okro, cassava, plantains and fruits from his farm.

DBM: So, he’s got the earning potential

Naomi: Oh, yes.

DBM: Meaning, who he is today, can change for the better tomorrow?

Naomi: Very likely. Just that he’s got a lot of responsibilities. He’s taking care of his mother, his brothers and sister, and a cousin.

DBM: He’s a responsible man; that’s a good thing, no?

Naomi: It is. I believe in him

DBM: You buy from his farm, I like that.

Naomi: Why?

DBM: If I were him, I know I would be feeling content, supported and loved by you – just because you buy from my farm. This life is too short for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in my dream. It’s a big deal for me

Naomi: I believe in him

DBM: I believe you do.

Naomi: He is family oriented, and wants to have a family of his own. I want that for myself. He is a Christian, he has integrity… Dave, he stands for almost everything I believe in.

DBM: Those are some very important core values you both seem to live by.

Naomi: I feel like I will be safe with him by my side.

DBM: Are you going to be comfortable with others knowing you two are an item?

Naomi: Very. He’s a decent man. I am not shy about his person. I am actually proud of him.

DBM: Then choose him, if that decision is going to contribute to your own happiness. Everyday in my life is a choice; I choose the love of my life on a daily basis, and I do it intentionally. Don’t let your security guy choose you before you accept that he wants you. Choose him first for yourself, because he is good for you – and to you. Tell him you think of him. Tell him you love him. Tell him the thoughts of him alone excites you. Tell him exactly what he means to you.

Naomi: I will tell him tonight.

DBM: Keep me posted.

Naomi: I will. Dave, I am very happy

DBM: Good for you!

Image Credit:  Samuel Estevan

Let’s Talk To Diahann

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 61: My name is Diahann

DBM: Hello Diahann. How would you describe yourself?

Diahann: I would describe myself as compassionate, and I know I will not hurt anyone intentionally. I am relatable, well-rounded, and know how to have a lot of fun – probably because I’ve been around the block quite a number of times. My boyfriend says, I bring so much fulfillment and satisfaction in our relationship.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Diahann: Oh, a cool 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Diahann: I am secretly dating one of my girlfriends’ ex-husband. It’s a secret relationship because I don’t know how she’s going to take the news if I am to break it to her. I am worried about her reaction if she’s to find out on her own. I am trying to prevent her getting hurt or feeling betrayed.

DBM: How long have you been dating him?

Diahann: Almost three years.

DBM: How long was he married to your friend?

Diahann: Seven years and some coins.

DBM: When was their divorce finalized?

Diahann: November of 2018

DBM: Was he your friend when he was with your friend?

Diahann: Yes, but not as close as I was with his ex-wife

DBM: Your friend, you mean?

Diahann: Yes!

DBM: What did you know about their marriage?

Diahann: I knew she wasn’t happy with him. There were times she could call me and cry and complain about his affairs with other women.

DBM: And, what were you telling her?

Diahann: First and foremost, it was difficult for me to just sit my behind somewhere, discussing her marriage in the absence of her ex. They are both my friends, and I wasn’t sure I was the best person for her to come to. The second thing is, my friend was suffering in silence in her marriage; it wasn’t working as she had hoped it would. I suggested she dealt with the situation or simply move on. Life is short, Dave. No one deserves to be frustrated by a spouse – all in the name of marriage.

DBM: Has your boyfriend told you his side of the reason for the divorce?

Diahann: All he said was, she wouldn’t stop getting on his last nerve

DBM: Did you by any chance get in the way of their marriage?

Diahann: Get in the way how?

DBM: Interfere with your opinions as her sounding-board of a sort

Diahann: No. It wasn’t my place to

DBM: Did you or your boyfriend ever seek any form of emotional connection with one another, while he was married to your friend?

Diahann: Never. In fact, I hated him for always causing my friend pain and unhappiness

DBM: If you suspect that one of your close friends is hanging around your ex-boyfriend, would you want her to let her intentions known to you?

Diahann: I don’t think so. That would be entirely her business. He is my ex for a reason

DBM: How did your relationship with him begin?

Diahann: I was supposed to be on a date with a guy who stood me up. My boyfriend just happened to be eating at the same restaurant. He saw me, and joined me at my table to build conversation since I was alone. When he realized my date wasn’t showing, he kept me company. He ordered food for me and the conversations continued. We hadn’t talked nor seen each other since their divorce

DBM: Did you tell your friend about your date, and how her ex-husband just happened to be there to keep you company?

Diahann: She knew I was stood up; we had been texting the whole of that afternoon to prepare me for my date. I didn’t mention the ex-husband part though

DBM: Why not?

Diahann: I didn’t think it was important

DBM: At what point did you realize you liked him?

Diahann: Right at the table on my date fiasco. He says, he realized how awesome I was, right at the beginning of our ‘first’ unplanned date lunch. He kissed me unexpectedly after eating, and I kissed back. He fell in love with me, and I would add, has been loyal to me. He respects me and our relationship, and understands my worth

DBM: I see. He fell in love with you, right there and then?

Diahann: Yes, that’s what he told me.

DBM: It does happen, I don’t doubt you.

Diahann: He did not contact me for about a week after the ‘date’. I didn’t sulk or feel hurt. He called on the eighth day to ask for a proper date night. That evening, I knew I was falling madly in love with him because the kiss had been on my mind for days.

DBM: We’re talking about the same guy you hated because he was making the life of your friend, a living hell?

Diahann: Same one. I’ve come to understand that, he’s not the type of man to hurt a woman for the fun of it. I had been pretending with my feelings for months till he told me how much he loves me

DBM: How much is his love for you?

Diahann: Worth more than 100 Cedis

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Diahann: I am all over him in love. I had to change my perceptions about him to accommodate his love for me.

DBM: Why do you think you fell for him that quickly?

Diahann: Because I know him. Also, he has something to add to every conversation we have. To be honest, until my friend started criticizing him about their marriage, I aways assumed he was a cool catch. I haven’t been so easy to get, nor so eager to please. He’s just been the perfect gentleman with my experience with him. Also, I made it hard for him to read me like a book on our ‘first’ date. I had blocked myself emotionally to him to get through to. He’s the real deal

DBM: For how long is he going to remain your best kept secret?

Diahann: That’s what I am trying to figure out.

DBM: In your opinion, was your friend right about her ex-husband?

Diahann: Since becoming a couple, he’s accounted for all his flaws, and is working through them to become a better man for me. Right now, our relationship is our most important friendship. And so far, it’s been working out just fine.

DBM: I am happy for you.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

POINT OF CONTACT

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 16 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 16: Timo.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

TIMO: I am 49 years old, a husband and a father. My approach to life and my marriage is that, whatever I do affects people’s feelings, and so I try to act accordingly. I do not skulk around to always do the right thing; what I am saying is, every decision I make now is strictly based on the fact that, the people around me also have feelings, and just as I think my needs matter, people and their needs are equally important.

DBM: How long have you been married?

TIMO: 16 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

TIMO: I wasn’t looking for much: I wanted a woman who loved and respected herself and others, had a good grasp of common sense, and could deserve my trust. I wanted a woman who could trust me to discuss anything with me. My mother is my role model in a sense, because she has her own life, interests and friends. I am attracted to such independent ladies who can do well all by themselves. My wife fit into all that.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

TIMO: My wife was a single parent when we met. I had been invited to her son’s school to give a talk. Her son asked very intelligent questions and follow-up questions, I took a special interest in him. The reason why I wanted to mentor him was because I could see myself in him. After the seminar, this nine-year old kid tugged at my sleeve impatiently, smiling, “Excuse me Uncle Timothy, can I say something?” he said, “I think you will like my mother, she’s just like you.”. Oh, during my presentation at the seminar, I think I said something about me being single, etc. He gave me his mother’s phone number and asked me for mine. I gave him my card. I called his mother the moment I sat in my car to discuss her intelligent son.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

TIMO: My wife is my best friend, and this friendship has been built in a matter of time and practice. We practice how to like each other intentionally, everyday; making each other laugh, being goofy sometimes, enjoying each other’s company and making what we have a priority.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

TIMO: Yesterday evening. I was farting under the sheet so bad; she went to boil eggs to eat. I had to move out of the bedroom to breathe again in the hall.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

TIMO: I went to pick my son (her child) from school one time because she had meetings running late, and he mentioned to me in the car their prayer topic the night before. It was about me! Mother and son both realized how much they liked me and had to pray about it. Caleb told me about how his mother was emotional and crying while praying about me and what I meant to them. When he asked me if I could be his father, I stopped the car. His request touched me to the core because his biological father lives. It was at that point that I knew I needed to guide him to become the best any young boy could become: empathetic, compassionate and being contented with his vulnerability. He was the point of contact to my true feelings for his mother.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

TIMO: My wife is the best and most attractive version of herself. She put effort into her wardrobe and wears clothing that makes her feel good and sexy. Inside and out, she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

TIMO: I listen with the intention of understanding her. I always put in the time to find out why what she’s talking about is important to her. She does same with me; she makes me feel like she gets me as a person, on a much deeper level.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

TIMO: She’s doing excellently well as my wife and mother to the children. I am happy so far.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

TIMO: I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

TIMO: Being lovers and parents is the most fun had. As lovers, we explore by going outside our comfort zone; we push the boundaries, take risks, and plan fun sexual activities together. We date each other again every month without the children. We do movies, dinner, walk on the beach holding hands, things like that. The most fun for me is when my wife makes all my decisions for me on the day of my birth. My wife was born on a Thursday; so, every Thursday, for the past 16 years, I have been the one choosing her wardrobe for work, the food to eat, which side of the bed to sleep, the type of sex I want, what she has to do to please me, etc. And, we have fun with it. She’s always excited when it’s a Sunday, because she takes her turn on me.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

TIMO: I have never loved anyone as much as I love my wife. She’s my dream come true.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

TIMO: I trust my wife with all of my heart.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

TIMO: My first priority is my wife. I make time for her all the time.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

TIMO: Yes! I am emotionally catered for, and she makes me feel good.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

TIMO: Very secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

TIMO: Still doing each other and not getting tired of it.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

TIMO: Touching, kissing, and more of oral sex. We prolong our foreplay because it improves our sexual experience. With my wife, I do not need an erection to please her; clitoral stimulation gives her the best orgasm, so I focus on that more. I have my turn when she’s happily breathing and smiling beside me. We talk during the day about our sexual fantasies and it makes sex more exciting when we’re together having it.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

TIMO: 7/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

TIMO: I feel most loved when my wife hugs me randomly, kisses me out of the blue, smiles at me for no reason; explicitly offers gratitude for the little things I do for the house and for her. Whenever she praises me, I feel I am loved; and when she dresses or acts seductively to sexually connect with me.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

TIMO: I am loved well, yes!

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

TIMO: I am a good husband.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

TIMO: No! But I have been tempted to a few times. I couldn’t pursue it because it’s not worth hurting my wife over.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

TIMO: My dear wife, thank you for making me feel brand new. Thank you for liking me; thank you for respecting me; thank you for finding me attractive. You have accepted and prized me for all that I am. I will continue to treat you the way YOU want to be treated.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

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