Neglect – David B

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on May 7, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

CLOSELY APART – MAAME

Written by David B on July 15, 2022. Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 4: Maame is fine by me.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

MAAME: I am a very passionate person and I love with everything I am. I am very trustworthy, and so I hate lies; I say things just as it is.

DBM: How long have you been married?

MAAME: 11 years in June.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

MAAME: I preferred a man who could love and care about me, and most importantly, become my friend. My husband did fit into the category because we were friends for a year and half before we became lovers.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

MAAME: He came looking for a friend in my church and we met. l helped him find the friend. The interesting thing is, he had the guts to tell me that very day that he would marry me, because l am a very helpful person and caring too.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

MAAME: So l thought at first, but currently, no!

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

MAAME: This was when we started dating as lovers; we dated for five years before marriage. He asked me to cook for him the first time and l undercooked the rice; it was so hard, he laughed so much at me.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

MAAME: I fell sick seriously and his love and care for me to get well was something else.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

MAAME: Yes, I find my husband to be extremely attractive.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

MAAME: I was trying to always listen to him when he talked with me but he doesn’t listen to me; it’s like, all the things I say during a deeper conversation with him are senseless. Due to that l do not really listen to him lately.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

MAAME: He is a husband to me in public, but to be honest, we are currently co-existing because of our children.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

MAAME: To love and to hold, till death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

MAAME: When we used to drive around town together; how l miss those good old days, hmmmmm!

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

MAAME: No, l don’t love him anymore. l just feel sense of obligation towards him because of my kids.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

MAAME: I don’t trust him anymore.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

MAAME: I am always there for him when he needs me.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

MAAME: No emotional feelings for him anymore.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

MAAME: I don’t feel secure with him in this marriage; I am guessing he is also sticking with me because of the kids and his old age.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

MAAME: I want to be happy with my kids and I don’t see my husband to be a part of this happiness I anticipate for my future.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

MAAME: With me, sex starts outside the bedroom; how you relate and treat me; how to talk to me and look at me, how you smile at me, etc. I really need to feel connected to you before anything physical (intimately) can mean something to me.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

MAAME: 4 out of 10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

MAAME: Love is an everyday relationship; how you make the one you love be your first priority.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

MAAME: I don’t feel loved what-so-ever. My husband only remembers l exist when he wants sex; in fact, that is the only moment he will smile at me and pretend he cares. But when he is done, I am forgotten.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

MAAME: I believe no one is perfect but I try my best to be in our marriage.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

MAAME: I have never, and will never cheat on my husband – so far as I am married to him.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

MAAME: KG, l never thought we would be close but yet so far apart. I have come to realize that loving someone is never enough to marry that person. I pray you see that we are far apart and find it important to fight for our marriage to work.

Image Credit: Jill Burrow

AFIA

Written by David B on July 14, 2022. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 3: Afia.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

AFIA: I’m a decorator and designer. I am jovial, hardworking, dedicated and a home maker.

DBM: How long have you been married?

AFIA: 11 years

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

AFIA: A born again Christian; he had to be slim, fair, average height, hardworking, jovial and romantic. My husband did not fit into my exact specifications. He has got the complexion and height all right; he is also hardworking but extremely selfish. My husband is nothing close to being romantic.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

AFIA: We were working in the same department in church and got connected just like that.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

AFIA: No!

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

AFIA: I make him laugh most of the time, because of my sarcastic/funny and jovial nature.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

AFIA: Hmmmmm! We were always together on phone or physically. He was sharing the little (gifts and IT knowledge) he had with me. He always wanted me to be on the same level with him. He was constantly talking about marriage and it came to a time, he asked, and I gave him the “yes” to his proposal.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

AFIA: No! His dressing has changed to how he was when we met; he pays less attention to his appearance and breath. He doesn’t care if he stays the whole day without bathing. A lot has gone back to how he was and I feel I forced him to change.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

AFIA: It depends, but nowadays I just listen to formulate an answer.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

AFIA: If not for the fact that he’s being controlled by his mom (because he’s an only son) I think he’d be doing well.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

AFIA: In sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. As for ‘till death’ only God knows.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

AFIA: When I’m singing and he’s playing the organ or guitar, or when we sleep or sit or taking our bath and we’re singing in harmony. At times, he sings tenor whiles I sing soprano, or he sings baritone when I take the tenor.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

AFIA: No! My love unfortunately is growing weaker by day and that’s draining.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

AFIA: Not anymore. The trust vanished the very day he allowed the mom and sister to chase me out of the house because I refused the mom to be serving him food daily; having a daily convo from 7pm to 11pm, stocking our fridge with her soups and stews, which they claim is specially made ‘with love’; bringing another lady for him to marry because we don’t have our own children (which is not my fault but his, and yet, I have decided to shield him)

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

AFIA: As much as he’s available physically and emotionally.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

AFIA: I don’t!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

AFIA: I do not feel secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

AFIA: May be apart.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

AFIA: I’m not really the sex type.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

AFIA: 1 out 10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

AFIA: Dedication, commitment to one another, sacrifice; being faithful to one another, service to one another and placing the significant other before every other thing or person.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

AFIA: No! And this started from the sixth month of our marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

AFIA: Yes, because he keeps saying it.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

AFIA: No! Not during dating or even in the marriage.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

AFIA: Dear husband of my youth, I have loved you with everything in me. I have accepted to be your wife even at your lowest state when you were not working and making any sensible money. I promised to share the little I have with you and I have been doing it till now. You know from day one that your mother doesn’t want me in your life because of my tribe. I guess you ignored her because you loved me. You know you are the cause of our inability to have kids up to now, yet you hid it from me until recently. Even that, I accepted everything in good faith. You don’t take care of me but I don’t complain. Your friends always tell you I’m a good wife and you laugh at it. I promised to stay with you even against the odds, and yet, you are not ready to stay because of your mom; as you keep saying it to the hearing of even our counsellors. I have been the one looking for solutions, both medically and spiritually. You choose to watch movies or Facebook whenever I’m having a midnight prayer for us, even though you are the problem. What hurts me most is that, you don’t seem to be moved. I have always told you that even an elastic band has its limit. I have reached that elastic limit and it may break soon.

Image Credit: Jan Koetsier

Tag: Neglect

Let’s Talk To Bubune

CLOSELY APART – MAAME

AFIA

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