Tag: Q&A

Hello Osempakani Kweku Poku Addae,

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. I was not afraid to marry her right away because I knew the kind of woman she was. The type to bring growth into my life. Also, I had un-fucked myself from the ‘not worthy of a good woman’ syndrome. In all honesty, marrying Bernice was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My point is, a woman going through any form of heartbreak learns to fend for herself if she has to, and in doing so, she becomes aware of her immediate environment and who is there to catch her in case she falls. I was ready to be okay if she was scared or felt insecure.

It’s okay if someone’s emotions aren’t as strong as the excitement you may be feeling for them. It was a new venture I was proposing we embarked on. Afterall, what’s the worst that could have happened to any of us again? My beloved wife had died by then. Bernice’s beloved Rex stood her up at the alter. What else could come? Many of us are being fed by the lies fear whispers in our ears; that we will never find someone deserving of our kind of heart and love; that our bodies or looks aren’t good enough to attract the right kind of people we desire; that if we’re to be bold enough to put ourselves out there in search of love at our age, we will look like a fool, etc.

What’s the worst that could happen? Those were the questions I was asking myself in the car with her. What’s the worst that could happen? I knew I was presenting a new relationship to her at the wrong time, but wrong timing can also be an opportunity to do things differently. To answer your second question, you cannot love someone enough to make everything work out. I didn’t have to do or prove anything. I just made sure that anytime she was around me, she felt content and accepted. I did not create room for her to be anxious or misunderstood. I made her needs important. I assured her of my support and not once, sucked the life out of her. Not once have I spoken to put her down or make her feel like she isn’t good enough to accomplish anything.

Just because we love certain people doesn’t make them right for us. I chose my own happiness and in doing so, I chose Bernice, rather than waiting on her to choose me.

Hello Daavi Elikem,

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. I was not bothered that Bernice needed time to process her memory of Rex. My arriving in her life to love her wasn’t the perfect timing, so I knew it was going to take getting used to, which I anticipated could take a long time. I had to take a stance to give my relationship with her a fighting chance. I knew how to lay low and also stand back till she was ready to ‘see’ me. As I stated earlier, I am a very patient man and I understood my time would eventually come to get her full attention. My daily communications with her were calm, my love was steadfast; I became a good friend to her, a man who wasn’t judgmental towards her feelings and actions. I gave her more than a reason to count on me. I showed Bernice first-hand what a relationship with me would look like: Good! It was going to be a good relationship. And she saw it, she remembered it, and she cherished it. She cherished me.

Daavi Elikem,

This is Bernice. I had never given the idea of marrying my boss a thought before his proposal. Remember he used to be married when I joined his company. I was also in a committed relationship with my ex. Remember when he said, “Do you know what you need right now? You need a man who has reached the age of commitment. You are a woman seriously trying to find a husband. Date me!” It wasn’t ‘sparks’ at first glance, but rather ‘keep talking boss, I want to hear more of what you’re saying’.

In my mind, I was also thinking something along the lines of giving him a chance to know me beyond friendship. Also, when his wife died, I used to wish I could make him mine, so I could take care of him while he grieved. Our professional relationship led us to our decisions, I think. I genuinely love and respect him as my boss, and that love and respect has grown and evolved in our marriage as a couple. I agreed to marry him because he was an outstanding husband to his late wife. My husband is a man of integrity and fortitude. He has a lot of love in him to give. He respects people and treats his employees right. I knew he would know how to take good care of me.

Lastly, I had developed myself into the woman I wanted to be first. My finances were in order. I was healthy. I had a good career. I was ready to settle down and take up new responsibilities. I was prepared to find a man like my boss who was excited to be with me – because he knew I kicked so much ass already.

Francisca Senaya,

He raised concerns over whether I had been sleeping with my boss while dating him. I didn’t feel the need to respond to his question, and so I pretended I didn’t hear him. But I told him I needed to date and explore other options after what he had put me through; I needed to date men who have never hurt me. He didn’t believe I was or could have gotten married that soon. He didn’t think my family would even allow that. He thought I was making an attempt to get him jealous, thus projecting a false representation of myself to him.

I insisted on being friends with him after he expressed his interest again but he wanted more than just friendship. He did apologize though, for the humiliation he caused. He acknowledged how he had hurt me and what he had learned from his actions. He promised not to repeat his mistakes again if I gave him a second chance. It was when my husband joined the table that he realized I wasn’t joking about being married. My ex was a bit disappointed but his emotions were not my responsibility. He was respectful and I think he handled my new reality like a grown adult.

Over the years, he would call me once or twice in a year to check on me and apologize. He married a different woman eventually. He and the lady he cheated on me with have a son together. I did not need to find closure in my ex. I found closure from within and believing in the fact that, not all men are out to hurt me. That was what healed my heartbreak. I had to let the memory of my ex go, and I never contacted him again for any reason.

JC Queen,

I was shocked and devastated. I felt betrayed, alone and dismayed. I felt blind-sided, and was intensely hurt. I remember my ex’s sister telling me that being stood up didn’t mean my relationship or marriage was over yet. She kept reassuring me that her brother’s actions didn’t mean he didn’t love me. And I wanted to believe her so badly. I started to think I was going crazy but my husband kept telling me I wasn’t, and that, I was just very, very hurt.

We had been monogamous, or so I thought, for four years. That night was long, honestly. I was thinking about a whole lot. I had to imagine my walk to the clinic to test for STD. If a woman was pregnant for him, then they were having unprotected sex. I had to play that terrible movie of us waiting in the carpark for hours at the Chapel on repeat. I tortured myself with all the unsavory visuals and exaggerated sounds of them having sex.

When my husband asked me to marry him in the afternoon, I felt like his proposal could close a door behind me. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief because I knew he wasn’t joking. Relief that I didn’t have to tolerate betrayal and deceit. My husband and I already clicked as work colleagues, so the proposal instantly drew my attention to the possibility of him being the man I actually wanted to marry, and possibly, have children with. Though I did not accept his proposal there and then, my heart did accept him without hesitation.

My dear sister, JC Queen, this life is too short not to grip onto a new, available kind of love and explore its promises. Moving on has never been a problem for me. I have never been the type of girl to also convince people about my decisions. I will not let an ex, my family, friends or even the world bring me down. My husband’s first marriage was an absolutely beautiful experience for him. He used to tell us about it at work. So, I knew marrying and sharing experience with a man like him could be extremely rewarding and beneficial to my life. He is one person I can spend time with and be happy. He is a man I can depend on and trust wholeheartedly.

Every single day with my husband these 16 years has been a CHOICE TO STAY MARRIED.

Hello Kara Naa Akushika

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. When I first met my late wife, I just knew what I felt for her, though it’s hard to sometimes describe. With Bernice, my feelings developed months after I had buried my first wife. I didn’t know I had fallen in love with her that much until the night to her wedding. I realized I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Those were the raw feelings that let me know that I could be living a real-life version of my own rom-com.

The morning of their wedding, I was supposed to call and wish her the best of luck but I didn’t. I was sad that she was going to marry a man she loved. I remember when I was interacting with her father in their house while we waited for her to get dressed, I told my father-in-law his daughter was one of the most important people I cared about at work. Bernice is the type that would stay late to help when her colleague is buried in work.

When I first interviewed her as a candidate for a role, before she left the premises of our offices, she had sent the whole interview panel a lovely thank-you note. We already had agreed she would be shortlisted, however, her thank-you note sealed it for me. It was thoughtful. It was prompt. It was beautifully written. Post-interview, the panel felt good about her, but after reading the kind words, we all loved her.

To answer your question, I didn’t know my true feelings for her until the night before her wedding. Bernice began to take up a major real estate in my thoughts. And I remember thinking that I had never experienced that with anyone. Not even my late wife. But the good thing is, I wasn’t eager to ruin her wedding day with my selfish feelings for her. It didn’t matter if it meant me losing my chance to love her. I was willing to continue to respect and support her relationship with Rex.